Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

Faking Normal
Faking Normal
Faking Normal
Ebook298 pages4 hours

Faking Normal

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

4.5/5

()

Read preview

About this ebook

An edgy, realistic debut novel praised by the New York Times bestselling author of Between Shades of Gray, Ruta Sepetys, as “a beautiful reminder that amid our broken pieces we can truly find ourselves.”

Alexi Littrell hasn’t told anyone what happened to her over the summer by her backyard pool. Instead, she hides in her closet, counts the slats in the air vent, and compulsively scratches the back of her neck, trying to make the outside hurt more than the inside does—and deal with the trauma.

When Bodee Lennox—“the Kool-Aid Kid”—moves in with the Littrells after a family tragedy, Alexi discovers an unlikely friend in this quiet, awkward boy who has secrets of his own. As their friendship grows, Alexi gives him the strength to deal with his past, and Bodee helps her summon the courage to find her voice and speak up about the rape that has changed the course of her life.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherHarperTeen
Release dateFeb 25, 2014
ISBN9780062245403
Author

Courtney C. Stevens

Courtney “Court” Stevens grew up among rivers, cornfields, churches, and gossip in the small-town South. She is a former adjunct professor, youth minister, and Olympic torch bearer. She has a pet whale named Herman, a band saw named Rex, and several books with her name on the spine: Faking Normal, The Lies About Truth, and the e-novella The Blue-Haired Boy. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee. You can visit her online at www.courtneycstevens.com.

Related to Faking Normal

Related ebooks

Young Adult For You

View More

Related articles

Related categories

Reviews for Faking Normal

Rating: 4.481927710843373 out of 5 stars
4.5/5

83 ratings22 reviews

What did you think?

Tap to rate

Review must be at least 10 words

  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    "Faking Normal" is a beautifully written book about two broken characters, Alexi and Bodee. As their friendship develops they discover each other's secrets, pain and regrets. I really liked how they saw in each other what others didn't and I loved how they helped each other begin to heal. This isn't a light, fluffy read but deals with some tough issues. Although I didn't always like how the characters behaved, I did enjoy this story and the feeling of hope that the book ended on. A worthwhile read.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I wanted to read Faking Normal because I am drawn to anything about self-harm. I used to be a cutter and still get the urges to sometimes. But books like this aren't really a trigger for me, just like I can read about suicide and depression. Everyone should know their limits. To me, it is very therapeutic and it gives me a sense of really being connected with the character and knowing that I am past that and they can heal as well. But I think that it handled these touchy personal subjects in a delicate and tasteful way. Courtney Stevens wrote a winner in Faking Normal. I was able to connect to Alexi, her pain was palpable and I totally relate with the putting on a mask and pretending like everything is okay on the outside when deep down there is pain. I don't share her particular pain of the past but there are things that I never wanted to talk about either, and put on that front. But her journey to realizing that she can trust her family and the right friends with her heart and her pain is so beautiful, watching her become strong enough to tell the truth and stand up for herself is amazing. I think that Alexi's silence is all too common. That she thinks she can handle it, and that she doesn't want the pain to be out in the world. She thinks it is her fault which is also common in these cases. I think that in these aspects, it keeps it really realistic and makes her sympathetic to what others have experienced. She couldn't find her voice to say no, but she was crying. She blames herself in this way too, while I wished she would have made a clear word or pushed him away, if she didn't want it, it is rape. That is hard too, that fine line of letting it happen and it being rape. But I think with the obvious circumstances when you find out who, it is a line that never should have been crossed. They weren't in any sort of relationship and it wasn't a precedent. So, like I said, amazingly handled, and I think that it shows a new issue. When she was raped but unable to actually verbalize no. Her silence is such a theme in this book, and finding her voice is such growth in her. And the circumstances for how it comes about is through Bodee. He is the underdog, the Kool Aid kid because he dyes his hair a rainbow of colors with Kool Aid and his painful past. He is quiet, awkward, but loyal to a fault. Over time as they are living in the same house, they begin to talk with each other or even just sit in silence together and they have a bond because they can recognize that pain beneath the surface. I loved everything about Bodee--that he doesn't have the need to fill silences, that he is strong, observant, and that he's a good guy. He steps in and talks with Alexi, lets her know that she can trust him and he proves himself as a friend over and over and going above and beyond what even a best friend might do. He is an ultimate book boyfriend and he is what made this a 5 star, amazing instead of just a 4, I love it. Because it is a friendship, a slow burn, a build up and anticipation. They want to help each other through their pain, give their fears and past a voice, help the other one be stronger. "And I promise to stop whoever is hurting you." I stand there barely breathing and he says something that sounds like "Even if it's you." How can you not love a boy man like that? Life has shown him the hard way that it can be cruel but also beautiful and even when he didn't before, to stand up for who he cares about and help them get out of the way of pain. He is so well developed and fleshed out. Amazingness. The story never lets up and there is character development and relationship progress at every turn. I thought that I had everything figured out but I didn't. There were things and twists that took me by surprise and ended up making it even more powerful. I read this literally in one sitting, and it kept this stay at home mommy who has to get up at 7am up until past 3 devouring these words and characters that stole my heart. So, I saw on my dear friend blogger The Eater of Books (even though the issues didn't sit well with her, she like me loved Bodee) but she posed the question, why do people cut, that it didn't make sense to her personally. So, as I have experience with this, I ended up writing a novella, and thought that I would put it here since it relates to the book. So... I will chime in and say that the cutting-- the nails on the neck--scars on wrist, whatever, I have been there and done that. It really does provide a sense of relief if you have ptsd or depression or even something hard in the past. It gives a sense of control, and release. I used to do it because I wasn't in control of what my parents did, where I lived, what other kids said about me behind my back, what my boyfriend did--if he paid attention to me, if he was mean to me, and even if I gave a voice to it, I couldn't really explain. I felt like I couldn't control anything, but I could control physical pain that I could feel.YES, it has been mainstreamed as "emo" and therefore it really doesn't have some of the seriousness that it should. It can be a cry for help, but it most likely to the victim can be a physical marker of the emotional pain that they feel inside. Maybe that explains a little better the why. And back to the book. The ending is amazing and even though I didn't want to leave the characters because I loved them and wished for more time with them, every thing was wrapped up well. It gave that perfect balance of realistic, giving hope and healing as well as giving me a taste of what their truly happily ever after could be. I wouldn't want them to completely have it in a powerful, deep and emotional story like this, because that would be glossing over their problems instead of seeking true help and healing. This kinda describes their ending, their friendship, their trust, their relationship. I know we’re still broken. Both of us. But Bodee’s got the glue to make us whole. He is love.- ARC, Faking NormalBottom Line: Powerful, emotional, and I related with Alexi and loved everything about Bodee.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Review courtesy of Dark Faerie TalesQuick & Dirty: This novel highlights the troubles of a depressed teen and her journey to fixing herself with the help of an unexpected friend. A great story and an incredibly sad ending, and therefore worth a read!Opening Sentence: Black funeral dress.The Review:Faking Normal is a depressing but beautifully written story of a teen who has mastered the act of pretending to be okay when her insides are a chaotic mess and her neck is criss-crossed with the scars she inflicted on herself. Alexi, or Lex, is stuck between denial of what happened over the summer and struggling with how to deal with it. Because something did happen, something that ruined her and left her in this shaken state, something that no one can help…except, it seems, a new addition to her household, Bodee. Bodee’s abusive father murdered his mom, and Bodee understands the hopeless hurting she is going through. As the story goes on, Bodee and Lex help each other to heal and let go, slowly but surely.Lex is very fragile. She is broken, and that is obvious from the first page. Her best friends, Liz and Heather, don’t know that she is, and neither do her parents . . . she is dealing alone. Bodee is her rock. At first, he’s just the Kool-Aid kid, and then he becomes the kid whose dad murdered his mom, and then he became Lex’s comfort.Okay, let’s talk about Captain Lyric. The Captain writes lyrics from a song on Lex’s fourth period desk every week, and Lex (a huge fan of music) always knows the next words. Then she leaves a new challenge for the Captain. He always seems to know just what songs to use, and how she is feeling. This was a mystery that lasted almost the whole book, and something that dragged me on when the book became slow. You fall in love with the Captain as you read. I had my suspicions about who he was, and I was correct, so it wasn’t very hard to guess. But all the same, it added another layer and spiced up this novel a bit.This book didn’t have a very stable pace. In the beginning, it went at a reasonably fast one, but towards the middle it began to slow and get boring. I understand that the author is letting Bodee and Lex get closer, and the author kept giving different hints to the different mysteries in the story probably to keep us reading, but it was a drag to get through a period of about 20 pages. After that, things began to get faster, and then moved very quickly. Information was loaded on you, but since the author explains so clearly and gave it to you in an organized manner, you weren’t confused.The ending. The ending was heart-wrenchingly sad and yet gave you a certain degree of pleasure when you see the wrongdoer of the story get punished. If I was a crier, I probably would have cried, but I’m not, so I mostly just screwed up my face and whimpered. It was a powerful statement to end a novel like this, and I really respect the way it was executed.Altogether, this is a very good read, and deserves a try. Fans of The Perks of Being a Wallflower will very much enjoy this. It has the perfect blend of sadness and a healing contentment, and the tone is set very nicely. Read this if you liked The Perks of Being a Wallflower, because you won’t regret it!Notable Scene:But I don’t tell him to go back inside or that everything will be fine. I just sit beside him and let the inch between my thigh and his remain. He cracks his knuckles compulsively, and I stare at the break in the concrete where the little green weed lives.When the funeral director finds us, I finally speak. “See you Monday?”“Yeah.”And that’s it. I leave Bodee on the bench. The space between us is elastic now, stretching into yards.When I reach my mom, she kisses my forehead. “Lex, I love you,” she says.“I love you, too.” and as I say it, I think, no one will say that to Bodee anymore.FTC Advisory: HarperTeen provided me with a copy of Faking Normal. No goody bags, sponsorships, “material connections,” or bribes were exchanged for my review.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    FAKING NORMAL was an excellent, heart-wrenching contemporary about two kids who have terrible things happen to them and who have to find a way to heal and move on. Alexi Littrell hasn't been the same since the pool party at the end of the summer before her junior year in high school. She has taken to hiding in her closet, scratching her neck raw, and obsessively counting the slats in the vent in her room. However, she has been successfully hiding her pain from her parents and her older sister and her sister's boyfriend.Bodee Lennox can't really hide the fact that his father killed his mother after years of abusing both her and Bodee. But Bodee would still like to be the loner at school who hides behind his Kool-Aid dyed hair and doesn't talk to anyone. Hiding doesn't mean that he isn't observant though. He recognizes that Alexi is in some kind of pain.When Alexi's parents take Bodee into their home, he and Alexi begin to form a friendship. Each finds in the other someone who understands and someone who gives them the courage to do the hard things that they have to do to move on.This story packs an amazing amount of pain around Friday Night Football games, Homecoming Dances, Halloween parties and other high school events. The daily drama of high school life plays against the major trauma Alexi has faced. The one solace that Alexi has is that someone she is calling Captain Lyric is writing song lyrics on her desk in Fourth Period Psych class. Each of them writes a lyric that means something to them and the other completes the lyric. Alexi feels that she finally has someone who understands her and she feels safe because because there is no messy human interaction.I couldn't put this one down. I can't wait to share this story with my high school readers.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Faking Normal opens at the funeral of a mother killed by an abusive father. Bodee is now alone, except for a grown brother. But he's not the central figure in this novel. That's Alexi, one of his classmates. Although they have gone to school together forever, and live nearby, they're not close. Bodee is, after all, the Kool-Aid Kid and not quite cool.Alexi, on the other hand, is one of the golden girls of Rickman. Her older sister has gone out with the football coach since they were in school together, her friends go out with football players and Alexi, well, Alexi is struggling. Perhaps her struggling allows her to feel some empathy for Bodee, who runs out of the funeral rather than speak over his mother's coffin. Alexi goes out to silently comfort him.Alexi is struggling because she let a guy go all the way last summer -- a guy she knows and who was on the outs with his girlfriend. She didn't want to do it, but she didn't say no. And now Alexi feels like she is damaged goods and it's her own fault. Alexi and Bodee form a solid friendship in which wise and comforting Bodee gently encourages Alexi to come out with the truth about what happened to her. (No one knows that something happened except Alexi and her attacker; Bodee suspects she is keeping a secret though.)Her other source of comfort -- and Alexi needs a lot of comfort, especially compared to a boy who lost his mother to a murdering father -- is lines of songs left by an unknown student on a desk they share. Could this unknown bard be the football player her friends want her to out with? And what's up with Bodee, who uses Kool-Aid to dye his hair and who is the most quietly confident teen in the book? Who is Alexi's attacker, and why is she scared to admit she was raped?Faking Normal has a lot going for it. Alexi's dilemma is real and her feelings are portrayed honestly. Bodee, however, seems too good to be true, especially with his healing seeming to go on the back burner for much of the book. It's also worth noting that most of the characters are portrayed as strong church-goers. Yet not much is done with the themes of forgiveness and the ways in which females have been historically portrayed in patriarchal churches as the ones to blame for any sexual transgression.The author's writing does shine in portraying the ups and downs of small-town life and a gorup that has gone through school together, forming a community that seemingly knows each other so well but still has secrets. It would be interesting to read any explorations Stevens may create regarding small towns and congregations in works to come.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    FAKING NORMAL by Courtney Stevens is the best contemporary YA book I've read. The main characters, Alexi and Bodee, are wonderful but broken teens, and their stories are lessons in the strength and hope that can come after weakness and pain. Although the book is a heavy and thoughtful one, Stevens' skill with turning a phrase left me smiling with pleasure at many points in the book.After the first few chapters, I couldn't put the book down, and I finished it in a day. I sure hope Courtney Stevens writes a lot more books, because I am looking forward to reading more from her.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Faking Normal is an fantastic blend of a real teenage voice echoing with life. It’s amazing and I can’t wait to read more stories by this author.Plot: Getting into this story is the easy part. It’s starts off hitting the reader fast with loads of emotion and loss. It then carries the reader into a place of peace (or at least you think) before more clues emerges. Let me tell you that this book certainly kept me on the edge of my sit. It’s raw yet so innovative that you can’t help but read it. The plot has a nice build, never-wavering but simply giving the reader enough to savor page after page. The last few chapters were an explosion of so much amazing writing.Love/Friendship: I really adored watching this friendship grow. They not only become friends but they help one another. They help each other fight off their dark past yet they bloom with their growing friendship. The buildup of their friendship is also a nice, slow build so it gives the reader time to invest in the characters. You feel their emotions and thoughts, and yet you yearn to know the truth.The Truth: OMG. I don’t think I have ever felt such a hard truth slap me in my face. I mean, I didn’t even see it coming!! It was like once minute I knew and the next…I’m slap in the face with something completely different. The realness of what happen and how it effected her left my heart aching. But like most cases, things aren’t always what they seem. Simply wonderful and breathtaking.A sensational read that goes above and beyond what I normally read, Faking Normal is a success. The blending of loss and a friendship, it grabs the reader for a fight that can be won with the help of a trusting friend. Slowly assembling piece by piece to make for a inventively constructed read, Faking Normal is a book I highly recommend.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    What a terrific book! Full of emotion and a few twists I didn't see coming! If you need a break from dystopian worlds before the Divergent madness starts on Friday, this is one you should definitely check out. Highly recommended.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Despite the enormously difficult subject matter, this book is equal parts heart-wrenching and hopeful at the same time. The highlight of the book is the evolving relationship between Alexi and Bodee. Both teens are trying to heal, coping in different ways, while trying to navigate high school and all its various complexities. Faking Normal is an intense and sobering read.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Faking Normal, a debut novel by Courtney C. Stevens, is about two FakingNormalbroken teens, one exhibiting all his hurt, one hiding hers. The interesting thing about this book is that the cause of one pain is evident from the start; the cause of the other is revealed slowly but surely.In the same vein, one outcome of the book is predictable from the beginning and the other has a twist. This caused me to raise my eyebrows and say, “Oh my, I didn’t see that coming.” But, it follows the story, so cudos to the author.Alexi Littrell and Bodee Lennox are the two main characters. One is strong; one is weak. But together they make quite the pair.I really don’t want to say too much about this book. I know, I really haven’t told you much. But to my mind, it’s better to start without any knowledge and let Ms. Stevens unfold her tale to you. She has conjured up two characters you won’t easily forget.So, it’s Faking Normal by Courtney C. Stevens.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I loved this book! It balanced real life sensitive issues very well.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I cannot really define how I felt about this novel. Of course, I loved it. This is the kind of book I could keep under my pillow and re read it again and again. But if I had to use juste one word to describe this novel, then it would be HOPE.
    I recommend it to everyone who has ever experienced pain. Not only abuse ou rape, but any kind of pain. This novel will remind you that no matter what you've been through, you can survive. Just like Alexi and Bodee did. They are experiencing two different kind of pain, but the thing is they are hurting, and may be they will never stop, but they are still living and fiding something worth fighting for. They still find the strength to HOPE for something better.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is by far one of the best books on the horrific subject of rape I have ever red. It was written so beautifully and just so well done that I'm still in aww. I would haven never known this was a book of fiction If it was not revealed at the end by the author.

    This is a very raw story of two individuals becoming survivors and not victims together!!!!...... During what I would hope to be the most difficult times in their very young.

    If you are looking for a heroic, inspirational, courageous, story about life before, during, and after rape then this might be the book for you.

    If you are feeling lost, scared, and alone then this book might help you too. I found this book very healing and it truly helped me find my voice and calm many of my thoughts swimming in my head down.

    If you are a high school or middle school teacher looking for a non graphic inspirational, voice finding, book on the topic of rape that any young adult could relate too than this might be the book for you and your students.....

    Warning....it could be triggering for some due to the fact that self harm is openly talked about as a coping mechanism.
    However this honestly just makes the book even more real....
    Sadly self harm is all too often one of the many ways one copes on their own after such events.

    This was a very inspirational book about a 15 year old girl who is trying to cope on her own after being raped. Although she has not accepted it as rape yet nor wants to call it rape yet.....
    She is also your typical high school girl trying to navigate life as a normal high school teen.... dating, homecoming, best friend drama, sibling rivalry, and maintaining good grades in hopes for a college scholarship so she can get out of the small town she currently lives in after high school.

    The help and support she needs to start dealing with everything comes from someone she would have never suspected..... Yes this book is a bit predictable but it does not takeaway from the story in anyway......



  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    This had so much potential, it was hard-hitting but it didn't deal with the aspects of rape well enough for me. I had this feeling throughout the story that you were convince that it was someone just so you could be shocked at the end. I also was annoyed about Alexi and how she handle the sex and the abuse and everything that happened to her, without empowerment, without solving something, just as a victim.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This book was a great experience to read. At the beginning it was boring, but the characters were well developed. When I came closer to the end I started to read this book faster. It's a beautiful story that tells you that it's ok when you are hurt, when you are broken and that it's not weird to tell anyone about it, because nobody will judge about it everyone will try to help you eventually.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    It was a really tense story and the sadness in the book makes you read more and more until the end.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is an amazing book. I think Courtney did an amazing job to tackle a difficult topic and made it a great reading experience. Do yourself the favour and read this book. Well done!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    It's rather painful how this happens in real life. But the story was so well written, I cried nearly throughout the whole book. I can just feel their emotions seeping right out of the book and affecting me. Bodee and Alexi are so good together.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Such a beautiful story. I love their connection and how it always superseded the pain. Stevens' writing cut straight to the heart.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    one of the best books I have ever read. one I will probably cherish, more from what the author wrote in the back of the book as well as the actually story she told. it is hard to be strong and hard to have your own will power, especially if you don't have any support on any reason.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    this book is difficult, but so necessary. it's an open door to healing, beautifully written and full of realism and understanding. I want to go to the author and say "thank you" a thousand times
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This book was beautiful. I read it in about three days and I haven't done that in quite a long time. I just couldn't wait to get back to reading it.

    *spoilers*

    I was truly glued to Alexi's story from the start, and considering the setup I had a feeling she would end up with Bodee but it was the journey that made me smile :) Everything from finding out who her rapist was, to discovering Captain Lyric's identity, was an enjoyable ride I'll never forget.

Book preview

Faking Normal - Courtney C. Stevens

Chapter 1

BLACK funeral dress. Black heels. Black headband in my hair. Death has a style all its own. I’m glad I don’t have to wear it very often.

My dress, which I found after rummaging in the back of my closet, still smells vaguely of summer and chlorine. The smell is probably just a memory.

Alexi, slide in closer so Craig can sit with Kayla. My mother’s voice pulls me from my misery and back to the funeral.

Mom makes room for me to shift down the pew toward her, and I slide obediently into the crook of her arm as Kayla’s boyfriend joins our family. Even though I don’t tell Mom, it feels good when her arm loops over my shoulder, and her hand gives me a little squeeze-pat that means she loves me. If we weren’t at a funeral, I’d probably shrug her off. But that would be sort of selfish, since Mrs. Lennox was in Mom’s prayer group all that time.

How’s Bodee doing? Mom asks.

I don’t really know him, I answer.

You’ve been in school together for eleven years.

I shrug. He’s the Kool-Aid Kid. Why do adults always think kids should be friends just because their mothers are? Sharing homeroom and next-door lockers doesn’t mean you know a person beyond his label. Across the church aisle from me is Rachel Tate, the girl whose mom did Principal James on Bus 32. I’m Kayla Littrell’s carbon-copy little sister. Before this week, Bodee was the Kool-Aid Kid. Now, he’ll be the kid whose dad murdered his mom. That label will pass from ear to ear whenever Bodee walks down the hall. But now it’s a pity-whisper instead of a spite-whisper.

It would be nice if you reached out to him. I can tell Mom wants to say more, but the music changes and she faces the front.

There are no words to the music, and that makes me sad. Every song deserves lyrics. Deserves a story to tell. Mrs. Lennox’s story is over, so maybe she doesn’t need words, but Bodee might. Reaching out to him is one of those Christian things my mom talks about, but you can’t share a closet and a stack of old football cards with someone you hardly know. So I say a prayer and hope he’ll find a place of his own to hide.

But this’ll probably always be what he goes back to. Mom. No Mom.

That’s a forever change. I never understood life could be so dramatically sectioned, but it can. And is. There is only after. And before.

My moment was by the pool; Bodee’s is by the casket. Or wherever he was when he found out about his mom.

Kayla leans away from Craig and asks, Alexi, is he in your grade?

I nod and wish Kayla would lower her voice.

Lord, he’s homely, she adds.

His mom’s dead, I say. I inch even closer to Mom, which isn’t exactly possible. Kayla’s wrong, anyway. He’s not homely; he’s unkempt, and there’s a difference.

I’d rather sit with Liz and Heather, but all the parents have their kids clumped around them like they’re trying to share one umbrella in a rainstorm. I love my family, but it seems that I’m always with people I don’t know how to talk to when I feel the saddest. With Kayla, and Craig, her appendage. Or Dad, and Mom the teacher.

Who does he run around with? Kayla persists.

No one.

Mom gives Kayla the eye, and we both stare at our programs.

I repeat Psalm 23 with the rest of the crowd and wonder if God ever considered writing the psalm in the past tense, since so many ministers read it during funerals. Yea, though I walked through the valley of the shadow of death is more accurate for Mrs. Lennox.

And now, the pastor says, we’re going to hear from Jean’s two sons, Ben and Bodee.

Ben strides forward, never looking up. He removes a piece of paper from his pocket. The room is quiet, and I can hear the page crinkle as he flattens it against the podium. He twists his sealed lips this way and that, and then opens his mouth and sings—half reading, half crying—part of a hymn. The song is beautiful, and I wonder if music is the real language of grief.

Mom always sang that when she worked in the kitchen. Ben stares at the ceiling as he says, I don’t know how to make it without you, Mom.

His pain and fear pass through the air like electricity. I don’t know how they’re going to make it either.

Thank you, Ben, the pastor says. Bodee, come on up here, son.

All eyes look to the left, where Bodee rises from his seat in the family section.

Bodee’s hair is blond today. I’d thought his Kool-Aid-colored locks were intended to disguise his misfit jeans and generic white T-shirts. Make him look artistic instead of just poor, but now I’m not so sure.

Mom moves her arm from my shoulder to crumple a tissue in her hand and dab at her tears. Oh, this is just awful.

I can’t take my eyes off Bodee. His shoulders bend like the wire hanger in my closet that sags under the weight of my winter coat. I want to put my hand in the center of his back, force him upright. His sluggish shuffle is as sad as his shoulders.

I think he’s wearing Craig’s old khakis, Kayla says. See the faded ring on the back pocket?

Half the guys at Rickman chew, I say. But Kayla’s right about Craig’s khakis; I’ve seen those same threads spoon and fork and maybe even tongue around Kayla on our couch.

Well, they’re somebody’s khakis. There’s sympathy in her voice. "Maybe you should take him shopping."

Even though it’s the kindest thing Kayla’s said, I whisper, "Why don’t you take him shopping?"

Maybe I will.

Craig rolls his eyes at me, because he knows as well as I do that the last thing Bodee needs is to become one of Kayla’s pet projects.

Now Bodee’s at the podium, and Mom’s not the only one who needs a tissue. While the room sucks and snorts and wipes, he grips the knot on his tie like it’s a lap bar on a roller coaster.

He doesn’t look at any of us. The microphone broadcasts his short breaths into the room.

Come on, Bodee. Say something.

But he just breathes and tugs at the tie again with one hand and wedges the other into the pocket of Craig’s old pair of pants. I pull at the folds of my dress. Kayla does the same. Mom squeezes Dad’s hand. The rest of the room shifts in their discomfort for Bodee.

That poor, poor boy, Mom whispers.

Lyrics drift into my head as I watch Bodee drown.

Alone.

Before this crowd.

Alone, in this terrible dream.

Who am I in this visible silence?

Can they hear me scream?

I wonder if Bodee knows that song. Doubtful. I toy with the idea of writing the lyrics on the back of the program. I could drop it in his locker on Monday. But he might take that the wrong way.

My mysterious desk guy wouldn’t take it the wrong way, though. He penciled those same lyrics on my desk the first week of school. August 8. Nineteen days after my life changed.

I don’t think random lyrics are going to help Bodee.

He’s not going to talk.

It’s like there’s a muzzle over his mouth. A word-thief at work.

Bodee bolts from the podium and out the side door.

Go, Mom says.

For once our instincts are the same. My knee collides with the hymnal holder on the pew in front of us. The crack announces my movement to the room and effectively ends the silence that Bodee started. Craig steadies me as I climb over him and Kayla.

Good idea, Craig says as I exit.

I’m not going because Mom told me to or because Craig thinks someone should. I know what it’s like to face the silence alone.

Bodee’s in the back garden. I’m out of breath when I reach him, which is fine because this is awkward already. All this empathy, or whatever it is, will be gone by the 7:55 bell Monday morning. The school hallway is a war of differences, and Bodee and I have plenty. Accepted; rejected. Shops at the mall; doesn’t shop at all. Quiet except with friends; quiet everywhere. But today we have something in common besides last names that start with L.

We’ve both lost something we’re never going to get back.

The little concrete bench wobbles as I add my weight to his. He only glances at me long enough to register who I am. There’s no surprise on his face that I have followed him to this outdoor hiding place, nor does he send me an I want to be alone look.

Time would speed up if I spoke, but I don’t care if time is slow. I do wonder what Liz and Heather think about my scramble from the pew, and if everyone in there believes I’ll reemerge with a repaired, talking Bodee.

But I don’t tell him to go back inside or that everything will be fine. I just sit beside him and let the inch between my thigh and his remain. He cracks his knuckles compulsively, and I stare at a break in the concrete where a little green weed lives.

When the funeral director finds us, I finally speak. See you Monday?

Yeah.

And that’s it. I leave Bodee on the bench. The space between us is elastic now, stretching from an inch into yards.

When I reach my mom, she kisses my forehead. Lex, I love you, she says.

I love you, too. And as I say it, I think, No one will say that to Bodee anymore.

Chapter 2

LIFE starts during fourth period.

It’s not because of AP Psych or the fact that this is the one class I have with Heather or that lunch is next. It’s all about the desk and the lyrics. And since it’s Monday, I get to start them.

What should I write about today? The funeral? Girls who talk to boys they don’t really know? Sex? Girls’ fear of sex? No. I’ll keep the illusion intact, since most guys would rather believe girls are just as horny as they are. This flirty masquerade with Desk Guy is like reading a romance novel. Love in pencil is safer than love in life. So I settle on a piece of pop culture that describes my entire weekend after the funeral.

Do you have a minute?

Can I invite you in

To take control?

Heather leans over to read my words. There’s no way Desk Guy’ll get that. And if he does, it’s totally some girl jerking your chain.

It’s not a girl. I asked already.

You can’t count on a desk to be honest, Heather says. Mine has ‘Mark loves Lisa’ carved on it, underlined. And, uh, everyone knows the only person Mark loves is Mark.

Heather’s desk sucks, but I do count on my desk to be honest.

Dang, Heather says when she sees my face. If you want it to be a guy that bad, it’s a guy. I’m sure Captain Lyric will totally complete you like he does those pretty little verses you write each other. But just in case he doesn’t, Dane’s going to the soccer game with us tomorrow.

I erase the word minute in my lyric and rewrite it so it’s easier to read.

Why do you always do this to me? I say. I don’t even know Dane.

Well, he’s Collie’s cousin, and I’ve given you almost two months to manage a date with Captain Lyric here. Since you haven’t even tried to figure out who he is, I’m in charge of your social calendar. There’s a ladder to climb, sweetheart, and you’re standing still. At least he’s cute.

Just because you have Collie doesn’t mean the rest of us want what you do.

It’s a soccer game, not a proposal, she says.

Thank God.

Oh, you know you want what Collie and I have.

Uh, no. I don’t. The idea of anything resembling a relationship gives me hives. First dates are pretty safe, because any guy who wants to mess around on the first date’s a jerk. But a guy who’s been dating you for six months and who doesn’t want to mess around has orientation issues. At least that’s what Kayla says.

You and Collie still talk?

Heather knows the answer is no, since it’s hard to peel the two of them apart, much less for him to have a conversation without her knowing. But she’s still fishing for an answer to the lull in Collie’s and my childhood friendship.

Not since summer, I answer honestly.

Weird, she says, but accepts my answer with a shake of her head. Something wrong?

No. Just nothing to talk about lately.

You could talk about me.

That’s all we ever did, I say.

So you don’t want a boyfriend, but you want Captain Lyric.

I don’t even know who he is, I say. School’s boring, and this desk stuff’s the only thing that keeps my curiosity aroused.

I blush even before Heather says, I’d say it keeps more than your curiosity aroused.

Ladies in the back of the room, Mrs. Tindell, our substitute, interrupts. Could you please keep your voices to a dull roar? Other groups are trying to work.

Yes, ma’am, I say.

Heather writes WORK? in big letters on her notebook and then raises it to cover her grin. Only two brown braids are visible behind the book, and she looks a little bit like Heidi at the library. I put my head down to keep from giggling at her antics.

Heather inches her desk closer to mine, and it screeches like a hoot owl. We both duck behind books and wait for Mrs. Tindell to look down. You might not like Dane yet, but you’ve got to do something to recover from your funeral rescue mission of Bodee Lennox. Trust me, you hook up with Dane and nobody will remember a thing.

I stare at her hard enough to re-part her braids.

Heather rolls her eyes. Hookin’ up means kissing, Lex. I know you’re all virgi-terrified.

I am not. Mechanically, I lower my voice as Mrs. Tindell goes fish-eyes on us again. I make the first excuse that’s believable. I just want it with the right guy. You know? Too many guys running around Rickman with the crawlers.

Man, you and Liz are gonna be ancient before I can talk to you about this stuff.

Liz is not gonna sleep with a Rickman, Tennessee, boy.

Heather adds, Thus sayeth the Lord.

Liz has a pile of blond curls, a collection of vintage T-shirts, and a desire to wait. Heather doesn’t go to church with us, so she hasn’t been privy to all the stuff about waiting rings and promises. She thinks even the people who wear the rings slip them on and off as if they’re coated in butter. But Liz is the real thing. She has convictions in all the places I’ve got fears.

I’m sorry, Heather says. I’m not being fair. I wouldn’t want you to do it with someone you don’t love. I just wish I had someone to talk to. Her eyes waver between rainy and cloudy, and I realize we’re having a moment. Collie and I have come pretty close, she says.

Heather doesn’t take her mask off very often. She’s the verbal beast of our threesome, but under all those bold, sexy words, evidently there’s still a virgin. I try not to sound too surprised. If you both want to, then why haven’t you? I ask.

Heather is barely audible. I’m afraid he’ll move on.

Then why are you still with him? I know the answer before Heather says it.

Because I hate being alone.

Heather’s beautiful where I’m ordinary. She could find someone else in a minute who would love her, but Collie’s her flypaper; she’s been stuck on him for years. Alone isn’t terrible.

I don’t know. She sighs. I wish I could talk to Liz about this, but she doesn’t get it.

I’m a good second-place friend, so I say, She gets it. You should talk to her.

Heather doodles her own name and then Collie’s on a blank sheet of paper. Is that what you do? Call Liz?

No. I put on an exasperated face. As you pointed out earlier, I’m not even on the social ladder. So there’s nothing to say.

Sucks to be Heather. Her best friend is a teetotaling virgin, and her second-best friend is on lockdown.

But there could be, she says.

From the way she’s winking, I know she’s thinking about Dane. And me. Being all sexually deviant. I can’t think that way about Dane. Or anyone. But I can’t tell her that.

No, you don’t get it, I say.

"You’re the one who is never going to get it. And I’m not either."

She sounds exasperated with both of us. But Heather doesn’t understand. Even if I got up the nerve to tell her everything about why I’m not interested in going to Victoria’s Secret, or talking porn, or dreaming of Dane wearing only his socks, it wouldn’t help.

He would still be in the hallway, and I’d still have to pass him. He’d still be a part of my life. Which would only change for the worse if I told them.

Because then they’d know, and you can’t un-know something.

Maybe someday you’ll meet Captain Lyric and you’ll be ready, Heather says. And when that day comes, you have to promise to tell me everything.

Of course.

You mean it? ’Cause it would make me feel so much better if I knew I wasn’t the only one.

My heart pounds as I choose my phrase. I promise I’ll call you first.

A wicked little smile plays on Heather’s lips, and just like that, her uncertainty disappears. Even if it’s Bodee Lennox.

Even if. The piece of paper Mrs. Tindell gave us at the beginning of class is still blank, so I say, Hey, we’d better do this.

I’ll do one to five if you’ll do six to ten.

I nod and open the book to the right page. This plan has gotten us As so far. When our regular teacher, Mrs. Tomlin, returns from maternity leave, this worksheet crap will finally end. I read this chapter over the weekend, so my answers take only a few minutes. I’m left with ten free minutes to consider Captain Lyric, Dane, and Bodee.

Soul mate. Date. Question mark. In that order. None of them would want me if they knew the truth. And I don’t really want them, either.

I know I’ll make myself go out with Dane tomorrow night to keep Heather happy. Liz takes some martial arts class I can’t pronounce on Tuesday nights, so I can’t count on her to help. Damn her Karate Kid skills.

What should I wear? I whisper.

Something that shows your boobs.

What boobs?

Just wear that bra I got you for your birthday and a tight shirt. Maybe that red one with the snappy buttons.

I don’t have that bra anymore, but I shake my head. Maybe I’ll ask Liz what to wear.

This dating thing is a problem. What if Captain Lyric knows who I am? He might think I’m into Dane. Then what if he stops finishing my lyrics on the desk? This date with Dane could ruin the one thing that’s getting me through junior year. It could mean Captain Lyric never confesses he wanted to be a priest until the day he saw me in the hallway, and I never get the chance to assure him his call to celibacy suits me just fine. Because I wouldn’t let that keep us apart.

I’m more like Heather than she knows. Scared shitless and hoping a boy will love me someday even though I’m a mess. And Dane’s probably not looking for love.

Besides considering how mad Heather will be if I find a way to blow Dane off, I’m stuck on what I ought to do about Bodee. If anything.

Mom said it perfectly when she said, Oh, that poor boy. People have poor boy–ed him all day today. Rumor is that somebody on the football team even asked him after homeroom if he wanted to eat lunch at their table. And I overheard a teacher say she picked him up for school today. I figure he’s got maybe a week of grace before he goes back to being the Kool-Aid Kid and everyone at school moves on to the next tragedy.

Turned out today was a blue hair day. Fitting, I’d thought, during our conversation this morning. Which made me part of the pity party Rickman High is throwing for him.

I’d said, Hey.

He’d said, Hey.

Then I’d said, See you around.

And he’d said, Thanks for, uh, you know.

Then I’d snapped my locker shut and walked away.

Bodee’s like this tall dead tree among a forest of green. Or an evergreen in winter surrounded by oaks. I can hardly ignore him anymore, because he’s like those trees. You notice them first.

After sharing that slab of concrete on Saturday, I’ve started wondering about all the things I don’t know about him. And that’s a long list.

I don’t even know what color his eyes are, since Bodee doesn’t really look at anyone. Green? Blue? Brown, like mine? Funny how people

Enjoying the preview?
Page 1 of 1