Identical
4/5
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About this ebook
Sixteen-year-old Kaeleigh and Raeanne are identical down to the dimple. As daughters of a district court judge father and a politician mother, they are an all-American family…on the surface. Underneath run very deep and damaging secrets. What really happened in the car accident that Daddy caused? And why is Mom never home, always running far away to pursue some new dream?
The girls themselves have become hopelessly divided over the years. Sick of losing Daddy’s game of favorites, Raeanne turns to painkillers, alcohol, and sex to dull her pain her anger. Kaeleigh tries to be her father’s perfect little flower, but being the misplaced focus of his sexual attention has her seeking control anywhere she can—even if it means cutting herself and unhealthy binge and purge eating.
Secrets like the ones the twins are harboring are not meant to be kept—from each other or anyone else. Before long, it's obvious that neither sister can handle their problems alone, and one must step up to save the other, but the question is…who?
Ellen Hopkins
Ellen Hopkins is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of numerous young adult novels, as well as the adult novels such as Triangles, Collateral, and Love Lies Beneath. She lives with her family in Carson City, Nevada, where she has founded Ventana Sierra, a nonprofit youth housing and resource initiative. Follow her on Twitter at @EllenHopkinsLit.
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Reviews for Identical
610 ratings52 reviews
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book held my attention like her other books. The twist was like going down a road think there is no end and then all the sudden the cliff appears. It also gave me a look in how some people deal with traumatic situation or in better words don't deal with them.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Just like Ellen Hopkins' other books, this one has raw emotion in good ways and bad. The book is so powerful and disturbing, that it made me addicted to reading it (just like all of the other addictions in this book). "Identical" is one of Ellen's best books because of all of the different personalities and actions of the characters.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Wow, talk about your gritty, heartbreaking, roller coaster of a story. Ellen Hopkins is the master of novels in verse. Though the topic may be tragic, her writing is so well crafted. You're drawn to Kaeleigh and Raeanne. Their story is gripping. They're on a run away train of self-destruction and no one seems to notice. This book will deliver one shocking secret after another. I would highly recommend this book. I'm giving it five kisses!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Ellen Hopkins is such an amazing author!!!! This story is amazing and you get to a point in the book where it reveals the big secret and its like a light bulb gose off your like ohhhhhh know i understand. This book is such a amazing book and I would recamend this and anything ellen hopkins writes to anybody! she truly is and amazing author and by far my favorite!!!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I have to admit, this is the first Ellen Hopkins book I've ever read, and one of the first verse books I've read also. And you know what? I'm really looking forward to reading her other books because this book was amazing. It was a very well-written, dark, and powerful book. A bit graphic at times but I really didn't mind it, as Hopkins stayed true to her readers in those graphic parts.And this review is going to be short but I did not really expect the plot twist. I really didn't. It completely surprised me as I didn't think it was going to happen at all. I had a really vague idea of it, but that was just it.Enjoyed this novel a lot, read it during vacation, and I think the cover suits the novel, it's simple but at the same time, nice.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Although the basic plotline of this book is not uber-unique and the plot-twist was predictable from the beginning, the delivery was very original. I am always a little leery of books written in verse--but this one flowed quite well. Especially well, since I listened to it as an audiobook which was expertly read. This is a book for people who want to read about troubled girls. It does not shy away from taboo subjects, and therefore is not appropriate for all teenaged girls. Personally, I would have been quite scandalized if I'd read this book 10 years ago (and I was an adult 10 years ago!). However, knowing in advance what it was about and why such a book would be written, I think Hopkins did an amazing job. Her writing is so emotional and lyrical!
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Have you ever read a book that made you wonder what the author was on when he/she wrote the book? "Identical" is so whacked out and out there that it makes everything about it unbelievable. If the author had just toned down a little bit you could feel bad for the characters or relate to them, but as it turns out everything in this book is taken to the extreme. Hopkins should have chosen one thing to build the book around instead of twenty. The blurb on the back of the book didn't do the story line justice. Before reading this book I had no idea what it was about and now looking back I really with I did.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5With Identical, I've now read all of Ellen Hopkins's books that are in print. I am officially caught up with her and understand the full body of her work.This book, like all of the others in Hopkins's repertoire, is filled with edginess. This one, unlike some of the others that I've read, is so disturbing that I had a tough time reading it. Maybe I'm just emotional or something, but I had an almost physical aversion to a couple of the characters in this book. I think that this is a mark of good writing, because it takes a lot to make me feel physically ill just from reading.In Identical, we meet two main characters. Sisters. Identical twin sisters. Kaeleigh and Raeanne. There are lots of ways that I could spoil this book by going into deep detail about these two characters, but I will not. I had to figure it all out on my own, and I don't want to ruin this for all of you who decide to read this book. That said, I can talk about a majority of the plot of this book without giving too much away. The twins' father is a judge. Which is fairly ironic, because he is a demon at home. He's addicted to alcohol and prescription pills, and stated sexually abusing Kaeleigh when she was a young, young girl. And their mother is not much better. She escapes her duties as a wife and mother by campaigning around the country. Even when she's home, she's not really there. Everything is about image all of the time.And Kaeleigh lives up to that perfect ideal. She does well in school, and is chaste. She has a bit of a timid personality, probably due to the abuse she's suffer at the hands of her father and the indifference of her mother. She's learned to cope with trauma by being quiet and calm. She's accepted her role in the family.Raeanne is Kaeleigh's opposite. She is a rebel to the core and could not care less about her father and her mother. She does not take school (or anything else for that matter) very seriously. She has sex with lots of partners, uses drugs regularly, and is the very definition of reckless.This book goes back and forth its narrative between these two sisters. Each section shows you which sister is speaking, but you almost don't need to know after a while because they are so distinctly different. I loved Hopkins's verse in this book and have a few new ideas for my classroom.Many of my students, girls in particular, are rabid Hopkins fans. I know that this book will be a huge hit with these girls, and they will probably be just as disturbed as I was by the horrific abuse in this book. But, like me, these girls will want to read more and more of Hopkins's work. Because, like the drugs that she often writes about, these books are completely addictive.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I thought this book was really wierd. I really enjoyed reading it but the ending was so odd. This book was not very appropriate but thats probably why it was so interesting. i would recommend this to anyone who enjoys poem books.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I love Ellen Hopkins and i love her style of writing! This was a really good book. I deals with a lot of serious issues that unfortunately many people deal with.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was amazing, It totally blew my mind at the end with that huge twist. It made me go back and think about all that I have read and how all the clues are there. Ellen Hopkins does an amazing job at bringing the characters to life and managing to throw in that suspensful twist.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I got this book at Chapters with some of my Christmas giftcards. I picked this up because I really enjoyed Hopkins' Crank trilogy and this book didn't disappoint. It is a tough book to read because it deals graphically with sexual abuse between a father and a daughter. It focuses on the family dynamics and how the abuse has affected not only the victim but also the victim's sister, mother and the perpetrator himself. I could not put this down because it was so interesting to see how Hopkins is able to write so fluidly about such a disturbing topic. The book, like Hopkins' other books, is told entirely in verse and I think that her writing style is genius. When the book shifts from one sister to the other there is a line that is mirrored on bother pages. I for one would have great difficultly trying to write like this. I found myself wanting to yell at the mother in this book. I wanted her to take her head out of her butt and take a real look at her family and demonstrate that she cared. I do not want to spoil any of the plot line but I have to say that the ending blew me away. I never saw it coming and it made the book all that much better. While this book may be too much for some people to digest I give this book 5 out of 5 stars. I would recommend reading this book if you can handle some disturbing scenes.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Thank god I bought this when I went to the book store and after I finished this book and all that went through my mind when I finished this was...OH MY GOD. THIS BOOK IS PHENOMENAL! I have not read anything so wonderfully enthralling in a long time and honestly, I'm not surprised, considering who wrote this. Once again, Ellen Hopkins has not failed to capture my heart with her magnificently woven tale of Kaleigh Gardella, her dysfunctional family, and most importantly, her sister Raenne Gardella.The cover is classic Hopkins: simple, unique, original, and gorgeous. And the title? Perfect for this tauntilizing tale. The characters created in this woeful story are so unbelievably flawed that I can hardly stand it. But I love them for it. The father is a disgusting sexual deviant who passes his very own demons onto his family, the mother is an ultimately frigid politician who would rather spend her time campaigning for victory than at home, and then there's Kaleigh...and Raenne. When the past is entangled with the future and identities are lost in painful waves of memories, who knows what tomorrow will bring. But thanks to a fellow friend Ian, Kaleigh would not possibly be able to escape the black hole she has buried herself in. But the demons follow her family everywhere so who knows if that's enough....so read the book and find out.This is a novel that just has to be read so anyone who has even briefly thought about buying this must-have needs to go out and get this excellently crafted Hopkins bestseller.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Kaeleigh and Raeanne are identical twins. A car accident changed everything for their family. Now their mother is running for political office and is uninvolved, and Kaeleigh's father controls her in every way.
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Well written teen problem novel dealing with drinking, drugs, and more. Tough read
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I thought this was a great book. I like the hole twist of the story, the ending is something i didnt expect to happen but it made the story more interesting.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Kaeleigh and Raeanne are "identical" in looks but couldn't be more different in temperment or personality AND their fates. Kaeleigh is sexually abused by her father (the mother is a politician) and Raeanne acts out by engaging in equally high-risk behaviors: sex and drugs (marihuana). The family's deep dysfunction belies the sunny California setting and public face. The girls' tales are told in usual Hopkins free verse, with each twin alternating chapters. The voices are distinct and real. This honesty transcends the slightly hyperbolic cast of problems. For mature teens seeking bibliotherapy or, perhaps, escapism/ reassurance (my family is bad but not this bad...) Hopkins trumps again.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Identical is the story of two identical twin sisters in the midst of their teenage years, growing up in a less-than-ideal family. Kaeleigh is the sweet-natured, obedient twin who craves the maternal love she doesn’t receive and fears the paternal love that comes too often. Raeanne is the wild-child, promiscuous twin who seems to be completely ignored by both her parents and actively searches out “love” in all the wrong places, and with all the wrong people.Hopkins is extremely talented at making you really care for her characters, and Kaeleigh and Raeanne are no exception. I think the problem with Identical is how much shit these characters go through. It’s almost unbelievable, how terrible their lives are; it’s an introduction to a new kind of misery. While none of the abuse or destructive behaviors are necessarily out of place, it’s the non-stop assault that makes it difficult to truly connect with the story. It’s a page-turner, without a doubt, but that’s because you’re praying for it to end and for the misery to stop.The ending is also rather abrupt. While I had guessed the major twist about 100 pages before it occurred, the lack of ‘after’ was disappointing.Please note that this book includes a ton of triggering subjects up-to and including: psychological abuse, cutting, bulimia, sexual violence, pedophilia, and incest.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was an AWESOME book! Awesome doesn't even begin to cover how great it was! In this book, there are 2 sisters, identical twins, but they're so different on the inside! One sister is getting sexually abused by her dad, and the other sister thinks their dad is playing favourite, and she's loosing, and therefore she drowns her sorrows with drugs and other men! The ending has a HUGE secret, and all I have to say is READ THE BOOK NOW!!!!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5When a fatal accident sets off a string of dysfunctional scenarios in the Gardella household, identical twins Kaeleigh and Raeanne cope in their own destructive, abusive ways. Their father is a high-powered judge who has had an awful childhood that he blames on a absent mother and a father who works too much. The twins' mother is a congresswoman who has time for her constituents, but not her own flesh-and-blood. Raeanne falls into sex, drugs, and promiscuity, while Kaeleigh cuts, binges and purges, and is victim of an incestuous sexual relationship. What has triggered these self-destructive acts are almost beyond comprehension, as we learn just how abusive, sick, and mentally ill the family is. To say Identical is powerful reading is an understatement. As a reader, you are filled with rage, sorrow, confusion, and unadulterated bewilderment. A must-read? Yes. Will any member of this family be 'saved'?...or is the family too torn apart to be put back together? As with all of Hopkin's books, the story isn't pretty, but the writing is powerful and necessary.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Twin sisters deal with dysfunctional home.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5like all of Ellin Hopkins previous books it really captures your attention and makes actually want to read it. its gritty its intense and most of awesome.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book was a mind blowing. The subject matter is difficult but the issues exist and it is important for fiction like this to be available to help readers who may be in a similar situation.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This novel in verse highly contributes to the content of the story, which makes you want to go back and read it a second time. Kaeleigh and Raeanne are two 16 year old identical twins. They have the perfect family…on the outside: their father is a district judge, and their mother is running for Congress. There is no such thing as perfect, especially with this family. Kaeleigh has been sexually abused by her father since she was 9; Raeanne drinks and uses drugs heavily because she is jealous of her twin sister and the love and attention she gets from her father, even sexually. Like that wasn’t enough to disturb a reader, Hopkins creates an even more twisted ending that brings all the pieces together.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book is the story of twin sisters Kaeleigh and Raeanne Gardella. They live with their father, a district court judge, and their mother, a hopeful for the United States Congress. On the outside, their life is seemingly perfect. But in reality, there are earth-shattering secrets that are threatening to rip their already torn family apart. Dealing with issues such as incestual rape, death, addiction, self-injury, affairs, and relationships, Identical is a story of despair and struggle that ultimately leads Kaeleigh Gardella down the road to redemption and healing. This is a story everyone can relate to in some way. Everyone should definitely read it.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/53Q 4PBrutal, shocking story about twins Raeanne and Kaigleigh, who are suffering from neglect by their mother and too much of the wrong kind of attention from their father. Some of the descriptions in this novel-in-verse made me very uncomfortable because of the intensity of hurt and emotions the characters experience. The arrangement of text on the page adds another layer of meaning with the shapes and alternate ways of reading each poem. Although I guessed the major plot twist early on, I was still motivated to keep reading and still encountered some surprises.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5This is the first of Hopkins' books I've read, so I wasn't really sure what to expect. I picked it up because the kids who look for her books don't really read much else, so if I'm going to point them new directions I need to at least know what her books are about.
Overall, I wasn't terribly impressed. The story is interesting, but I had some troubles knowing who was speaking, as the sisters' voices were indistinguishable*. Exposition is clunky at times, with large blocks of dialogue that sound ridiculously stilted. Handy coincidences lend support from different quarters (like the old lady in the nursing home), and Dad's past wasn't any big surprise--anyone who inflicts abuse had it inflicted upon them as a child, of course. (Really? All the time? it seems that way in books and I know it's common in real life, too, but it seems lazy to assume that sexual abusers are that way because they were abused as kids.)
*The ending of the book, in which the two sisters are really one person with dissociative identity disorder, do a little to clear up the indistinguishable voices issue, and also explains why Mean-Girl Madison is hitting on both girls' boyfriends and spreading rumors about Kaeleigh's promiscuity. Unfortunately, the ending doesn't justify the problems I had--while the issues make sense in the context of the revelation, the revelation isn't strong enough to support the 500 pages before it. - Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I fell in love with Ellen Hopkins style of writing. At first I thought I picked up a book of poetry, I didn't understand her text layout was totally different from anything I can remember seeing in a YA novel. Definitely not a feel-good, warm and fuzzy novel. Hopkins addresses sexual abuse, binge eating, cutting, sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, drinking, suicide, etc., but most importantly, she shows how an innocent child can be abused by the man who is supposed to protect her and that can cause her to implode mentally and in every other way. I wasn't so sure about the ending...really? I have to admit, I sat and read the entire novel and when I came to the climax, flipped through the last few pages and put the book away.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Kaeleigh and Raeanne are identical twins. Their mother is running for congress and their dad, a judge, hasn't been the same since the accident. He places all the love he can't give to their mom on Kaeleigh, touches her in a way no father should. Raeanne, while wanting to protect her sister, is also twistedly jealous that she goes unnoticed. While Kaeleigh strives to be perfect in school, conforming to every rule her father sets out, hoping to avoid his punishments, Raeanne responds to neglect by indulding in sex and drugs. But Kaeleigh's best friend Ian knows something's wrong, and Greta at the nursing home where she works has questions, too. Finally, a mysterious person with a familiar voice starts calling the house, threatening to expose the family's secrets. The sisters, who somehow couldn't be more different, have to find a way to save each other as the point of no return looms on the horizon. Told entirely in verse, Hopkins' latest is slightly more gimmicky than her previous works. Kaeleigh's narration holds it together - her tale is less predictable than Raeanne's, her sections are less prone to shock-writing, and her character is more sympathetic. The novel is repetitive, but intriguing enough to push through, even if not one of the poems could stand on its own. As a work of fiction, Identical is decent and enjoyable.
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5I really like these books and I love that they are written in verse.
Book preview
Identical - Ellen Hopkins
Raeanne
Mirror, Mirror
When I look into a
mirror,
it is her face I see.
Her right is my left, double
moles, dimple and all.
My right is her left,
unblemished.
We are exact
opposites,
Kaeleigh and me.
Mirror-image identical
twins. One egg, one sperm,
one zygote, divided,
sharing one complete
set of genetic markers.
On the outside
we are the same. But not
inside. I think
she is the egg, so
much like our mother
it makes me want to scream.
Cold.
Controlled.
That makes me the sperm,
I guess. I take completely
after our father.
All Daddy, that’s me.
Codependent.
Cowardly.
Good, bad. Left, right.
Kaeleigh and Raeanne.
One egg, one sperm.
One being, split in two.
And how many
souls?
Interesting Question
Don’t you think?
I mean, if the Supreme
Being inserts a single soul
at the moment of conception,
does that essence divide
itself? Does each half then
strive to become whole
again, like a starfish
or an earthworm?
Or might the soul clone itself,
create a perfect imitation
of something yet to be
defined? In this way,
can a reflection be altered?
Or does the Maker,
in fact, choose
to place two
separate souls within
a single cell, to spark
the skirmish that ultimately
causes such an unlikely rift?
Do twins begin in the womb?
Or in a better place?
One Soul or Two
We live in a smug California
valley. Rolling ranch land, surrounded
by shrugs of oak-jeweled hills.
Green for two brilliant
months sometime around spring,
burnt-toast brown the rest of the year.
Just over an unremarkable mountain
stretches the endless Pacific.
Mornings here come wrapped
in droops of gray mist.
Most days it burns off by noon.
Other days it just hangs on
and on. Smothers like a wet blanket.
Three towns triangulate
the valley, three corners, each
with a unique flavor:
weathered Old West;
antiques and wine tasting;
just-off-the-freeway boring.
Smack in the center is the town
where we live, and it is the most
unique of all, with its windmills
and cobbled sidewalks, designed
to carry tourists to Denmark.
Denmark, California-style.
The houses line smooth black
streets, prim rows
of postcard-pretty dwellings,
coiffed and manicured from curb
to chimney. Like Kaeleigh
and me, they’re perfect
on the outside. But behind
the Norman Rockwell facades,
each holds its secrets.
Like Kaeleigh’s and mine,
some are dark. Untellable.
Practically unbelievable.
But Telling
Isn’t an option.
If you tell
a secret
about someone
you don’t really know,
other people might
listen,
but decide you’re
making it up. Even if you
happen to know for a fact
it’s true.
If you tell a secret
about a friend, other people
want to hear
all of it, prologue
to epilogue. But then they
think
you’re totally messed
up for telling it
in the first place. They
think
they can’t trust you.
And hey, they probably
can’t. Once a nark,
always a nark, you
know?
Kaeleigh
I Wish I Could Tell
But to whom could
I possibly confess
a secret,
any secret? Not to my mom,
who’s never around. A time
or two, I’ve begged her to
listen,
to give me just a few
precious minutes between
campaign swings. Of course
it’s true
the wrong secret could take her
down, but you’d think she’d
want to hear
it. I mean, what if she had
to defend it? Really, you’d
think
she’d want to be forewarned,
in case the International Inquisitor
got hold of it. Does she
think
this family has no secrets?
The clues are everywhere, whether
or not she wants to
know.
There’s Daddy
Who comes
home every
day, dives
straight into
a tall amber
bottle, falls
into a stone-
walled well
of silence, a
place where he can tread
the suffocating loneliness.
On the surface, he’s a proud
man. But just beneath his not-
so-thick skin, is a broken soul.
In his courtroom, he’s a tough
but evenhanded jurist, respected
if not particularly well liked. At
home, he doesn’t try to disguise his
bad habits, has no friends, a tattered
family. A part of me despises him,
what he’s done. What he continues
to do. Another part pities him and
will always be his little girl, his
devoted, copper-haired daughter.
His unfolding flower. But enough
about Daddy, who most definitely
has plenty of secrets. Secrets Mom
should want to know about. Secrets
I should tell, but instead tuck away.
Because if I tell on him, I’d have to . . .
Tell on Me
How I’m a total
wreck. Afraid to
let anyone near.
Afraid they’ll see
the real me, not
Kaeleigh at all.
I do have friends,
but they don’t know
me, only someone
I’ve created to take
my place. Someone
sculpted from ice.
I keep the melted
me bottled up
inside. Where no
one can touch her,
until, unbidden, she
comes pouring out.
She puddles then,
upon fear-trodden
ground. I am always
afraid, and I am vague
about why. My life
isn’t so awful. Is it?
We Live in a Fine Home
With lots of beautiful stuff—
fine leather sofas and oiled
teak tables and expensive
artwork on walls and shelves.
Of course, someone used to
such things might wonder
why there are no family
photos anywhere. It’s almost
like we’re afraid of ourselves.
And maybe we are, and not
only ourselves, but whatever
history created us. There are no
albums, with pictures of graying
grandparents, or pony rides
(never done one of those)
or memorable Gardella family parties.
(The Gardellas don’t do parties,
not even on holidays.)
No first communions or christening
gowns. (We don’t do church, either.)
Of course, no one ever comes
over, so no one has ever wondered
about these things, unless it’s our
housekeeper, Manuela. Have to have
one of those, since Mom’s never home
and Daddy often works late, and even
if he didn’t, he wouldn’t clean house
or go to the grocery store. Normal
parents do those things, right? I’m
not sure what normal is or isn’t.
But It Really
Doesn’t matter. Normal
is what’s normal for me.
I’ve got nice clothes,
nicer than most. Pricey
things that other girls would
kill for, or shoplift, if they
could get away with it.
I have a room of my own,
decorated to my taste
(okay, with a lot of Daddy’s
input) and most of the time
when I’m home, I hang out in
there, alone. Listen to music.
Read. Do my homework.
What more could a girl ask
for, right? I mean,
my life really isn’t so bad.
Is it?
I Clearly Recall
Once upon a time, long
ago, when everything
was different. Mom
and Daddy were in love,
at least it sure looked
that way to Raeanne
and me. How we used
to giggle at them, kissing
and holding hands.
I remember how they used
to joke about their names.
Ray[mond] and Kay
How fate must have been
a bad poet and wrote them
into a poem together.
Then Raeanne or I would beg
them to tell—just one more time—
the story of how they met.
Mom Always Started
I was in college. UC Santa Barbara,
best university in California.
I had this really awful boyfriend.
I thought we’d run away
and live happily ever after.
Thank God he got arrested.
Then Daddy would humph
and haw and take over.
So there he was, in my courtroom,
with a despicable
public defender failing
to come up with an even
halfway decent excuse for
why his client was driving
drunk. In one ear, out
the other. I’d heard it all
before, and anyway, the only
thing I could think about
was this creep’s gorgeous
girl, sitting front and center,
hoping I’d go easy on him.
And Mom would interrupt.
Actually, I only hoped that
until I took a good, long look
at your father. Then I kind
of hoped he’d lock up my
boyfriend for a long time.
Then we’d laugh and my
parents would kiss and all
was perfect in our little world.
But That Was Before
Daddy fractured our world,
tilted it off its axis, sent it
careening out of control.
That was before the day
his own impairment
made him overcorrect, jerk
the Mercedes onto unpaved
shoulder, then back
across two lanes of traffic,
and over the double yellow
lines, head-on into traffic.
That was before the one-ton
truck sliced the passenger
side wide open. That was
before premature death, battered
bodies, and scars no plastic
surgeon could ever repair.
Yes, that was before.
Afterward
Mom didn’t love Daddy
anymore, though he stayed
by her side until she healed,
begging forgiveness, promising
to somehow make everything right.
In fact, since the accident,
Mom doesn’t love anyone.
She is marble. Beautiful.
Frigid. Easily stained
by her family. What’s left
of us, anyway. We are corpses.
At first, we sought rebirth.
But resurrection devoid
of her love has made us zombies.
We get up every morning,
skip breakfast, hurry off
to work or school. For in
those other places,
we are more at home.
And sometimes, we stagger
beneath the weight of grief,
the immensity of aloneness.
No One Else Suspects
Not our neighbors.
Not our friends.
Not even our relatives.
No one
suspects Mom’s real
motive for running
for Congress is to run
away from us. No one
suspects
the depth of her rejection,
or how drowning
in it has affected
my father,
a powerful district
court judge, a man who
puts bad guys away,
slumped down
on his knees,
unable to breathe,
unable to swim,
unable to stop
begging
me to open my arms,
let me stay,
and please, please love
him the way Mom used to.
Raeanne
Kaeleigh Closes Herself Off
From Daddy. And I think
she’s completely insane.
I crave his affection.
No one,
no one normal, that is, will
understand. Yeah, yeah,
I’m all fucked up. My mantra.
But if anyone actually
suspects
how fucked up I am, they’ve
yet to let me know.
And, really, why would
my father
be so taken with her, but distance
himself from me? We’re
identical. Except for the egg/
sperm thing. Would he fall
on his knees
in front of me, if I were
more like Mom and less
like him? Would he come,
begging,
to me, too,
let me stay,
if he realized I want to love
him the way Mom used to?
But Obsessions Are Personal, I Guess
Daddy’s obsession
with Kaeleigh strikes at the
heart of me. But looking at it real
objectively, I think I understand. She’s
soft. Pliable. Gullible. It’s easy enough to
believe his declaration that should someone
root out his secrets, he’ll swallow a bullet.
You know, he just might, though I see him
as much more likely to pick up that gun
and shoot Mom, especially if he’s on
a bender. More and more of those
lately, both for him and for
me. My own obsession.
Falling into a state
of numb.
Numb
Sometimes that seems like a great
place to be. Closed off from it all,
in no need of love, no need of family.
To be honest, I’ve erected a huge,
huge wall between myself and Mom,
myself and Kaeleigh, who I avoid
whenever I can. Can’t stand that hurt,
ever-present in her eyes. Eyes—
and hurt—that mirror my own.
Anyway, she makes me mad, mad
that she hides in her own mind so
well. Hides there from Daddy.
The only person I want to be close
to is Daddy, and he doesn’t even see
me. It’s like I’m not even here.
Most of the time I muddle through,
pretending I don’t need to be held,
need to be touched, kissed.
But then need swells up, a thunderhead.
Storms down, sweeps over me
like a summer flash flood of need.
Numb Cannot Fight Such Need
So I turn to Mick, valley hardass
in more ways than one.
Mom says, That boy is trouble.
You steer clear, understand?
Like I give a rat’s shiny pink
butt about what Mom thinks.
Actually, I’m amazed she even
noticed. Maybe she has spies
who keep an eye on us when
she can’t be bothered. After
all, it wouldn’t do for a daughter
of a United States congresswoman
to get pregnant, now would it?
Oh, she would shit, if she had
any real idea of the things I do
with Mick. So if she has spies,
they must be voyeurs. I know
it’s ridiculous, but I glance around.
Nope, no discernable spies. Good
thing. Mick and I are taking off at lunch.
We probably won’t eat much.
(No sandwiches, anyway.)
So if I do head back to class
afterward, it will be in an altered state.
Self-medication firmly at the top
of my agenda, I blow through
Lawler’s history quiz, put my
pencil down, and sit staring out
the window, waiting for the bell.
A black shape materializes in the sky,
wings slowly through the mist. Buzzard?
No, as it nears, I see it’s a condor.
Some kind of omen there. As I
consider exactly what kind,
someone taps my shoulder. I wheel
around. Finished? asks Mr. Lawler.
I nod and hand him my paper, and
when I look into his gold-flecked
green eyes, I think for about
the hundredth time what a fine
guy he is. As if I had said it out
loud, he smiles. You may go, then.
I smile right back. "Thanks. See you
tomorrow." I pick up my books, stand
with deliberate grace, and as
I walk toward the door I feel
eyes on my back, know at least one
pair belongs to him. Men are so easy.
I Stop in the Girls’ Room
For a quick pee and to redo my makeup.
The bell finally rings. Within seconds,
the lunch rush madhouse erupts.
Hurry up! What the fuck?
Hey, you, come here!
It’s the same every day. Same voices.
Same laughter. Same lame people
I’ve known most of my life.
Got a smoke? Got a Tic Tac?
Did you hear about . . . ?
I hustle along the walkway, mostly
ignoring the waves and hellos of
people I rarely give the time of day to.
. . . got the lead . . . . . . made honor roll . . .
Ian’s looking for you.
Ah, see, they’re confusing me with
Kaeleigh. Sometimes I think that’s
funny. Other times, it just annoys
the living crap out of me. Guess that’s
what comes of sharing a wardrobe,
not to mention a face. Oh, well.
At least Mick won’t confuse me
with her. She wouldn’t go near him.
He’s much too much like Daddy.
Both of them are tough outside.
But dig down under the skin,
there’s a soft, gooey core.
Auger into that core, like tapping
a maple, you’ll get doused
with incredibly sweet sap.
It’s a lot of work, work that
Kaeleigh could never appreciate,
because she doesn’t like maple
syrup anyway. But I do. I love
it. And if Daddy would just stand
still for me, I’d happily tap his core.
Mick’s Sexy
Chevy Avalanche, with slate gray
paint and silver leather seats, idles
in a far corner of the parking lot.
Two years out of school, he isn’t
really supposed to be here.
But he generally comes running
when I call. He likes what I give him.
I like what he gives me, too,
and I’m mostly talking about
the bud. I pick up my pace because
right under his front seat I know
there’s a fat, stinky joint
with my name on it.
Okay, Mick’s name is there too.
It’s his dope, after all.
But he’s always happy to share.
Of course, he expects compensation,
and after smoking a big ol’ doobie,
I’m generally willing to cooperate.
Life has gotten better—or at least
more bearable—since I was introduced
to my good friend, marijuana.
You couldn’t have a more decent friend.
I love everything about it.
I love the way it smells—good green
bud, anyway, and that’s the only
kind Mick gets. I guess his brother
knows a Humboldt grower. Okay,
the pot smells a lot like skunk juice.
But somehow, there’s a difference.
A good one.
I love the way the thick smoke
tastes, curling across my tongue,
snaking down my throat. I love
holding it in. Coughing it out.
I love head rushes, the creeping
warmth that follows.
And I love the distant place
it takes me to. Everything feels
right there. Mellow. Easy.
Stress-free. I even love the munchies,
the perfect excuse for devouring a pint
of Häagen-Dazs. Of course, afterward
I have to go stick my finger down
my throat. Don’t dare get fat.
Daddy would not like that.
Mick and Marijuana
Await me. I’m ready to pay
Mick’s going rate for the pot.
(And I’m not talking money.)
Some people would balk
at the price tag.
Not me.
You might think, because
of the things I’ve seen
Daddy do, I’d be disgusted
by sex. No way.
I like it.
I like how it feels physically,
yes. Kisses, hot and prickly
as August. Hands, tan
and rough against my soft
white skin. And the last, extreme
punctuation.
I get off.
But getting off myself
isn’t the best part. I do
everything in my power
to make sure
he gets off.
And that puts me indisputably
in control. (He thinks otherwise,
and I let him.) It’s the only time
I am in control. And I like
how that feels
most of all.
Kaeleigh
Call Me Powerless
Yeah, I know on first glance
I have it all. Looks. Money.
Straight As. Leads. Popularity.
I’m a regular princess, right?
Not me.
The final bell rings and I dash
for my locker, hoping no one
offers me a ride home. Some
people despise the bus, but
I like it.
Yes, it’s mostly freshmen
and losers, and I fit right in.
Anyway, no one bugs me
with questions or invitations.
I am practically anonymous.
Too soon, brakes screech and
I get off
a few blocks from home. The walk
is usually silent. But today Ian’s
Yamaha rips around the corner.
It slows, stops, and I wait as
he gets off,
sheds his helmet, draws near.
Have you been avoiding me?
I have, and I struggle to meet
his eyes. When I finally do, I find
concern. Pain. Anger. And love,
most of all.
Ian Is My Best Friend
He has loved me since
fourth grade. I would trust
him with my life, and all
my secrets but one.
Soooo . . . have you?
I wish I were worthy
of his love. (Any love.)
I should tell him to run.
But I can’t. I need him.
Ahem. Hello?
He deserves to be loved,
by someone really great.
He’s gorgeous, in an artsy
way. No ego. All heart.
Earth to Kaeleigh . . .
All heart and waiting for me
to respond. "I . . . um . . . Sorry,
I’m a million miles away.
What did you say?"
Ah, the old "million miles
away" excuse.
His smile holds the warmth
of the sun, and when he
opens his arms, I plunge
deep between them. Sorry.
For what? Oh, you have
been avoiding me, huh?
His body is toned, and he smells
yummy, like some kind of spice.
I look up into eyes, the turquoise
of the Caribbean. Sort of.
I always said I liked your
honesty. Still . . .
"Not avoiding you in particular.
More like everyone, kind of.
Sometimes I get antisocial.
You know that, though."
Yeah, I do, but I’m not
exactly sure why.
"I must get it from my dad.
Can’t be from Mom, the world-
class go-getter, hand shaker,
and baby kisser."
I don’t think a judge
should be antisocial.
Can’t talk about my father.
Too much to say that can’t
be said. I pull away from Ian’s
hug. You’re probably right.
So, may I walk you home?
Or would you rather ride?
"Two blocks? Think we can
walk it. But hey, if you be
really, really nice, I’ll let
you give me a ride to work."
Deal. Being nice to you is easy,
even when you try to avoid me.
This Huge Part of Me
Is so happy Ian won’t let me avoid
him, won’t let me push him away.
What I don’t understand is why not.
I mean, girls hit on him all the time.
Over the years he has gone out
with a few. But he never gets serious.
I know he wants to get serious.
He’s definitely not a player, not
a poser, not a loser, not a user.
Ian wants deep down forever love,
love he knows he can count on.
And that so sets him up for hurt.
Last year he and Katie were an item
for several months. After he broke
up with her, I asked what happened.
We were on the hill behind
his house, soaking up April sun.
Katie’s great, he said. Pretty. Sweet.
So what, then?
I asked, knowing
the answer but wanting to hear it.
(And realizing how selfish that was.)
He turned his