Jokes Junction

Jokes Junction

By Arthar Joy

Published by Mds

Smashwords Edition

© mds e-books

Smashwords License Statement

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Foreword

A good laugh has great long-term effects. If you start to laugh, it is not only relieve you mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can stimulate many organs. Laughter improves the intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation, both of which help to reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress.

Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. Laughter may also break the pain-spasm cycle common to some muscle disorders and Increase personal satisfaction. Laughter can also make it easier to cope with difficult situations. It also helps you connect with other people. Many people experience depression, sometimes due to chronic illnesses. Laughter can help lessen your depression and anxiety and make you feel happier. This ‘Jokes E-book’ of ours is an effort to dissolve your tensions in a solution of smiles, chuckles and laughter.

- Publisher

Table of Contents

Chapter:1

Chapter:2

Chapter:3

Chapter:4

Chapter:5

Chapter:6

Chapter:1

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, ‘Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?’ ‘Yes, of course,’ said the doctor, ‘why not!’

‘Oh! How nice it would be ,’ said the patient with joy, ‘I have been illiterate for so long.’

######

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

‘What’s the matter with me?’ he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, ‘You’re not eating properly.’

######

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly the doctor removed the blindfold and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said: ‘I’m just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynaecologist!’

######

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, ‘I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered.’

‘I think librarians are the easiest,’ said the second. ‘When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.’

The third surgeon said, ‘I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are colour-coded.’

‘You’re all wrong,’ said the fourth. ‘Lawyers are easiest. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and hearts are interchangeable.’

######

A short History of medicine: ‘Doctor, I have an ear ache.’

2000 B.C. - ‘Here, eat this root.’

1000 B.C. - ‘That root is heathen, say this prayer.’

1850 A.D. - ‘That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.’

1940 A.D. - ‘That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.’

1985 A.D. - ‘That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.’

2000 A.D. - ‘That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!’

######

On Monday, Paddy went to the Doctor because he had had a bad headache over the weekend. When the Doctor finished his examination, he told Paddy that he would have to take 4 tablets but must do them in order.

‘The first Green, next Blue, next Red and then White. So first today, then skip Tuesday, Blue Wednesday, then skip Thursday, Red Friday then skip Saturday, and then White on Sunday. See you next Monday, but do not take the wrong tablets.’

The next Monday, Paddy’s wife came to the Doctor, and the Doctor asks, ‘Where is Paddy?’

His wife told him ‘Paddy’s dead.’ ‘O,’ said the Doctor, ‘I told him not to get the tablets in the wrong order.’

‘No,’ said the wife, ‘It was all that skipping that killed him.’

######

A doctor and his wife were laying out in their back yard one weekend. A young girl walking down the sidewalk spotted the doctor and waved.

‘Hi, doctor,’ she said in a sultry voice. She gave her bottom a wiggle and continued down the sidewalk.

‘Who was that?’ asked the doctor’s wife.

The doctor, turning a shade of red, replied, ‘I met her through work.’

‘Oh?’ she snarled. ‘Yours or hers?’

######

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re suffering from multiple personalities.

Patient: No we are not!

######

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I have a sore throat!

Doctor: Okay, go over to that window and stick your tongue out.

Patient: Will it cure me?

Doctor: No, I just don’t like the man next door.

######

Doctor, doctor can I have a pot of aspirin and a pot of glue.

Oh yeah what for?

I have a splitting headache.

######

A patient is operated on for appendicitis.

The next morning while making rounds. Doctor: ‘What job do you do?’

Patient: Sir, I do circumcision in my village.

Doctor: OK. Then you do the same job as we do.

Patient: Yes sir, I also do hair dressing. I am a traditional barber.

Doctor: Oh! We do not do this.

######

‘So, Doctor, since my surgery’s been successful, will I be able to dance?’

‘Sure you will, my son!’

‘Hey, that’s great, Doctor! I’ve never been able to dance before!’

######

‘Doctor, doctor I fell like a pair of curtains!’

‘Pull you together man!’

######

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ‘Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband wills surely die.’

‘Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him. It will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.’

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. ‘What did the doctor say?’

‘He said you’re going to die,’ she replied.

######

What is the worst thing about a lung transplant?

Coughing up the other person’s sputum.

######

A woman asked her doctor if she should stop having babies at 35. The doctor replied, ‘Yes, 35 babies are quite enough.’

######

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, ‘I’m sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumour.’

The girl started crying and said to her mom, ‘I’m only 15 years old. I don’t want to die.’

The doctor said, ‘Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it’s expensive and not covered by insurance.’

The girl’s mother said, ‘Don’t worry, dear. How much does it cost?’

The doctor replied, ‘Well, a male brain is Rs.5, 00000 and the female brain is Rs.1, 50,000.’

The mom said, ‘No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?’ The doctor replied, ‘Because the female brain is used!’

######

The patient demanded, ‘Doctor, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant.’

‘What?’ yelled the doctor? ‘Tell me; exactly why you think you need all these transplants.’

‘Well,’ explained the patient, ‘my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized.’

######

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, ‘His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.’

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

‘Mom!’ Tommy yells. ‘The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.’

‘I know.’ said his mother. ‘The other ten are for your father.’

######

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, ‘Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.’

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, ‘Doctor, exactly what is my problem?’

The doctor replied, ‘You’re not drinking enough water.’

######

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

You are fine. How am I?

######

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

‘Why do we have to learn this stuff?’ one young man blurted out.

‘To save lives,’ the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. ‘So how does physics save lives?’

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. ‘Physics saves lives,’ he said, ‘because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.’

######

‘Did you hear about the surgeon who operated upon a patient who had a hopelessly gangrenous leg? The surgeon unfortunately amputated the patient’s healthy leg, instead. Naturally, the patient sued. Years of appeals came and went.

Finally, the state’s Supreme Court suggested the patient simply drop the suit. The judge told him that he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

######

A patient complained to his doctor, ‘I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.’

The doctor calmly replied, ‘Just wait until the autopsy, then they’ll see that I was right.’

######

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor’s office. ‘We have come for an examination,’ said the young girl.

‘Alright,’ said the doctor. ‘Go behind that curtain, I am coming.’

‘No, not me,’ said the girl. ‘It’s my old aunt here.’

‘Very well... Madam, put your tongue out.’

######

An older gent had an appointment to see an urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

The old gentleman approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, ‘Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?’ The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very embarrassed man.

The old gent recovered quickly though and in an equally loud voice replied, ‘No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation... And, I’d like the same doctor that did yours!’

######

Suji had to go in and have her yearly physical done. When Dr. Sam remarked on her extraordinarily ruddy complexion, Suji replied, ‘High blood pressure, doctor. It comes from my family.’

‘Your mother’s side or your father’s?’ Dr. Sam inquired.

‘Neither,’ Suji replied. ‘It’s from my husband’s family.’

‘Oh, come now,’ Dr. Sam said. ‘How could your husband’s family give you high blood pressure?’

Suji sighed, ‘You ought to meet ‘me sometime, doctor!’

######

‘I just hope it’s not Alzheimer’s,’ confessed the older gentleman to his doctor. ‘Maybe there’s some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I’m getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I’m going or what I’m supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?’ he asked glumly.

‘Pay me in advance,’ the doctor promptly suggested.

######

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.

Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. ‘Yes, that’s right. The fee is Rs. 900. Yes, I’ll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I’m a very busy man.’

He hung up and turned to the man waiting. ‘May I help you?’ ‘No,’ said the man, ‘I just came in to install the phone.’

######

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it. ‘Don’t worry about a thing, nurse,’ the doctor assured her. ‘He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of aesthetic.’

######

A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The doctor said, ‘Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can’t drink tea.’

The patient protested, ‘But, Doctor, I love tea.’ The doctor replied, ‘Well, okay, as long as you take the spoon out.’

######

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

‘Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?’ the Doctor asked.

‘No,’ replied the man sombrely, letting out a sigh.

‘I could only do about 15 minutes!’

######

Banta called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

‘I’m sorry,’ said the receptionist, ‘we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.’

‘But I could be dead by then!’

‘No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.’

######

A young man was standing in the middle of a street and shouting.

Young man: Call me a doctor. Call me a doctor.

Passer-by (anxiously): What’s the matter with you? Are you feeling sick?

Young man (happily): No, I just graduated from medical college.

######

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

‘Mrs. Munni, I have some good news for you.’

The woman said, ‘I’m glad to hear that doctor, but I’m Miss Munni, not Mrs.’

‘Oh. Well, in that case Miss,’ said the doctor without changing expression, ‘I have some bad news for you.’

######

A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, ‘I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.’

The patient asked, ‘Oh doctor, what should I do?’

The doctor replied, ‘Marry an accountant.’

‘Will that make me live longer?’ asked the patient.

‘No,’ said the doctor, ‘but it will seem longer.’

######

A physician helping people in a rural area was called to a farmhouse to help a lady give birth. The house had no electricity to he lit a kerosene lamp and handed it to the seven-year-old daughter of the house hold and told her to hold it up so he could see what he was doing.

The baby was born. The doctor cut the tube, wiped the baby’s mouth and nose and then held it up by the feet while he slapped it on the bottom so it would begin to breathe on its own. The little girl then said, ‘Hit that baby again, Doctor. That baby had no business crawling up in there.’

######

A 92-year-old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead.

The doctor went to tell the lady’s 78-year-old daughter that her mother didn’t make it.

‘Didn’t make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!’

######

‘When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... I’m very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through.’

######

‘Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands shaking!’

‘Do you drink a lot?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not really. I spill most of it!’

######

Student doctor: ‘Please sir, there’s some writing on this patient’s foot.’

Famous surgeon: ‘Ah, yes! That’s a footnote.’

######

Patient: ‘Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet?’

Doctor: ‘What about a bicycle pump?’

######

Receptionist: ‘The doctor is so funny he’ll soon have you in stitches.’

Patient: ‘I hope not - I only came in for a check-up.’

######

‘Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.’

‘Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?’

‘Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.’

######

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer.

The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, ‘Son, even on this gloomy day, it’s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let’s go to the pub and celebrate my demise.’

Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son kept his mouth shut, but as soon as they were alone, he turned to his father and said, ‘Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?’

The father replied, ‘Aye, my son, you are right; but I don’t want those guys sleeping with your mother when I’m gone.’

######

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, ‘I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.’

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, ‘That’s impossible! That can’t be!’

The doctor says, ‘What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s not old age?’

The patient answers, ‘I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.’

‘So what?’ says the doctor ‘What difference does that make?’

‘Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the same age!’ replied the old man.

######

Mr. T is speeding down the road in the A-Team van. He sees the little old lady too late and slams on the brakes, skidding to a halt just inches from her. The aerials on the van whip forward, slashing her badly.

She’s rushed to hospital where the doctor takes a careful look at her wounds and utters those immortal words... ‘This must be the worst case of van-aerial disease I’ve ever seen!’

######

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, ‘Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!’

The doctor calmly responded, ‘Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.’

######

A doctor told Mrs. Divya to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina.

A month later, when Mrs. Divya came in for another visit, the doctor asked, ‘How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?’

Mrs. Divya answered, ‘Well, he’s a little behind with the pills, but he’s about six months ahead with the whiskey.’

######

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, ‘What are you in here for?’

The second kid says, ‘I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.’

The first kid says, ‘You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!’

The second kid then asks, ‘What are you here for?’

The first kid says, ‘A circumcision.’

And the second kid says, ‘Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!’

######

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynaecology. When she asked him why he chose gynaecology, he said simply, ‘There are lots of openings.’

######

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, ‘I’d like to have some birth control pills.’

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, ‘Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?’

The woman responded, ‘They help me sleep better.’ The doctor thought some more and continued, ‘How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?’

The woman said, ‘I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.’

######

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, ‘Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?’

The doctor answered, ‘Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.’

‘I know, but can’t you give me some idea?’ she asks.

‘Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...’

‘Like this?’

‘A little more...’

‘Like this?’

‘No. A little more...’

‘Like this?’

‘Yes. Does that hurt?’

‘A little bit.’

‘Now stretch it over your head!’

######

A doctor is to give a speech at the local dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.

Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can’t read his notes. So he asks, ‘Is there a pharmacist in the house?’

######

Me: Take this medication on an empty stomach.

Patient: Does it say that on the label?

Me: Yes, on the sticker, next to the drawing of a stomach.

######

Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, and not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, ‘What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?’

Assistant replies, ‘Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.’

Pharmacist says, ‘He seems to be fine now.’

Assistant replies, ‘Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won’t dare cough!’

######

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.

Psychiatrist: What is your problem?

Patient: I think I’m a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

######

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?

Sister: He thinks he’s a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has he been acting like a chicken?

Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

######

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.

Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of ‘me.

######

Doctor: You need glasses.

Patient: But I’m wearing glasses, Doctor.

Doctor: Then I need glasses.

######

Mr. Brown: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.

Mr. Green: Have you ever seen a doctor?

Mr. Brown: No, only spots.

######

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, ‘Hello.’ The other thinks, ‘I wonder what he meant by that.’

Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends; if they’re okay, you’re it.

######

A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons.

He talks to him. Nothing obvious.

He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up.

Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons.

‘Oh goody,’ says the boy, ‘I get an old box in school and only black and brown were left.’

######

A well-known rich businessman’s wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of Rs.1, 50,000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

1 screw Rs. 5

Knowing how to put it in Rs. 1, 49,995

Rs. 1, 50,000 total

The businessman never argued.

######

A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves.

A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.

‘You know, doctor,’ the professor said, ‘I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do.’

‘Perhaps,’ the surgeon replied. ‘But let’s see him do it while the engine is running.’

######

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynaecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynaecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

######

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

‘Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,’ he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

‘Oh, really?’ she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. ‘In that case, we’d better run it through again...’

######

When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard.

We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said good-bye, she tearfully exclaimed, ‘I’ll see you when I’m 12, mom!’

######

1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.

2nd man: Oh really, what happened?

1st man: After the first two, I felt better.

######

An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings. ‘I’ve got good news and bad news,’ she said. ‘The good news is that some guy inquired if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.’

‘And the bad news?’

‘The guy was your doctor.’

######

Pharmacist handing prescription to customer: ‘Take one of these every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.’

Three doctors were on their way to a convention when their car had a flat. They got out and examined the tire. The first doctor said, ‘I think it’s flat.’

The second doctor examined it closely and said, ‘It sure looks flat.’

The third doctor felt the tire and said, ‘It feels like its flat.’

All three nodded their heads in agreement. ‘We’d better run some tests.’

######

A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.

Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend that he actually asked you to return all the presents?

Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.

######

The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son—a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.

‘My boy,’ said the old doctor, ‘I’m proud of you, but Miss Ferguson’s indigestion is what put you through college.’

######

Doctor: ‘Did you take the patient’s temperature?’

Nurse: ‘No. Is it missing?’

######

Psychiatrist to his nurse: ‘Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.’’

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for Rs.600.

The doctor exclaimed, ‘This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!’

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, ‘Neither did I when I was a doctor.’

######

‘The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.’

‘And did he?’

‘Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.’

######

A man is talking to the family doctor. ‘Doctor, I think my wife’s going deaf.’

The doctor answers, ‘Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.’

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, ‘For the eleventh time, I said we’re having chicken!’

######

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, ‘Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!’

The man replied, ‘How about that, I work for the Double mint Chewing Gum Company.’ The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, ‘Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company.’

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, ‘I think I need a breath of fresh air.’ The man continued, ‘I work for 7-UP.’

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A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, ‘Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?’

‘You mean aspirin?’ asked the pharmacist.

‘That’s it; I can never remember that word.’

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A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.

The shrink frowned and said, ‘I see you need my help!’

The guy said, ‘Yeah Doctor. Got a match!?’

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Bhalla took his wife Lalli to see a psychiatrist for a check-up. After examining her, the doctor took Bhalla to one side and said, ‘I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone.’

‘I’m not really surprised,’ Bhalla replied, ‘Sadie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years.’

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make