Anti-Bride Etiquette Guide: The Rules - And How to Bend Them
By Carolyn Gerin and Kathleen Hughes
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About this ebook
Carolyn Gerin
Carolyn Gerin is the principle of her own graphic design firm in San Francisco. She is the co-author of Anti-Bride Guide.
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Reviews for Anti-Bride Etiquette Guide
15 ratings3 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5A good, quick read. Many things I knew, but some have been helpful already.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5i really liked this book. this book takes you through the traditional rules of wedding etiquette and then gives you tips on how to do it your own way without stepping on anyone's toes. i don't know that much about weddings in general and i did find it fascinating to learn what is tradition and where the traditions stem from. each chapter looks at one area of the process and breaks it down for you. it gives you a comprehensive overview of what the tradition is then tells you what the new rules of the road are. after that it gives a list of the most common twists of tradition and advice on how to "twist without trauma." the next section is called sticky situations that details possible scenarios and gives you solutions. each chapter is formatted that way and sprinkled with tips, wedding lore and fun illustrations
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5This book, the third in the "Anti-Bride" guide, is an alternative to all the Martha Stewart, cookie-cutter do-it-by-the-book books on weddings. This book is incredibly helpful if you, like me, were the first of your friends to get married. Clueless about how to handle your divorced parents and that black sheep uncle? Do you have to invite your boss you hate? Do you have to invite your friend's evil girlfriend he just met? How do you make a seating chart? What if the bride's parents aren't paying, or the maid of honor is a dude? All of these questions and tons more are answered in this book, and it'll tell you whether your crazy ideas are considered socially acceptable in a modern world (and generally, they probably are.) Special thanks to Jennifer, my bridesmaid extraordinaire and BFF 13 years strong, who bought me this book when my fiance and I were wallowing knee-deep in wedding planning ignorance.
Book preview
Anti-Bride Etiquette Guide - Carolyn Gerin
Copyright
Chapter 1
THE BUCK STOPS HERE
We’ve heard of couples who threw a $50,005 party and then went back to their one-bedroom rental where they wallowed in debt. Or couples who, after asking the question Who pays?
, had to deal with so much family friction that they took off to Vegas. We say that this is no way to begin a life of wedded bliss. Understanding money, the expectations and behaviors attached to it, and the traditional who pays
scenarios can help you create your own ways-and-means committee that considers your lifestyle, people, and budget.
In this chapter, you’ll learn both the traditions and the uncommon twists. You’ll get advice on maximizing your outcome, as well as how to build and manage a master budget without burning bridges in the process. In order for your wedding to be stellar, you need to get real. Let’s begin with a little history lesson, because, as the saying goes, those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it!
The Golden Rules
Back in the day, it was assumed that the bride’s family paid for the primary wedding expenses while the groom’s side would handle smaller-ticket items like the rehearsal dinner, marriage license, and honeymoon. These days, it’s much more common for the couple and their respective families to share expenses. Still, the old rules do linger and, while the landscape has changed, it’s a good idea to know the traditional breakdown of wedding expenses (and who’s responsible for them) so you won’t be caught off guard if one of your bridesmaids expects you to foot her airfare bill.
Who Pays: THE TRADITION
Bride’s Family
• Invitations, announcements, and other wedding stationery
• Wedding consultant
• Location rental for both ceremony and reception
• Food and drink
• Musicians
• Flower arrangements (not including bouquets for bride and bridesmaids, corsages for mothers, and boutonnieres for groomsmen)
• Wedding photography (including their own photo album)
• Groom’s ring
• Gifts for attendants, parents, and groom
• Bridesmaid’s luncheon
• Attire for bride and parents
Groom’s Family
• Bride’s ring (usually purchased and paid for by the groom himself)
• Marriage license and other legal documents
• Gifts for attendants, parents, and bride
• Officiant’s fee
• Bridal bouquet, boutonnieres for best man and groomsmen
• Attire for parents and groom
• Travel to the wedding city and lodging for groom’s wedding party and close family
• Rehearsal dinner
• Honeymoon
• Groom’s family’s photo album
• Travel to the wedding city and lodging for bride’s wedding party and close family
Attendants
• Personal attire
• Shower and bachelor/bachelorette party gifts
A sharp reader will notice that tradition calls for the bride’s family to shell out significantly more money than the groom’s side. Why the disparity? The traditional custom was that the bride’s family would provide a large dowry to the groom and his family, who would in turn take the girl (read: liability) off her father’s hands. From the bride’s family’s perspective, the better the dowry, the better the chance of getting a well-bred, financially stable son-in-law. So isn’t it about time we put this nonsense behind us? We kicked this sexist and archaic tradition to the curb.
The New Rules of the Road
Hey, we’re not here to judge! If your family really wants to pay for the whole wedding, and they are doing it out of love, then break out the bubbly and toast their generosity. But keep in mind that there’s no such thing as a free lunch. What may seem like a no-strings-attached gift may in fact come with hidden emotional price tags. Those who don’t want to be tied down to tradition, or whose parents simply won’t or can’t finance a wedding, take heart. There’s a new order.
Today, it’s commonplace for both families to share in the cost of the wedding festivities, in part because weddings have become so expensive. All this familial love and sharing can make money issues more difficult to sort out, though, mainly because the customary don’t ask, don’t tell
approach is replaced by earnest communication (resulting in way more information than people are used to absorbing, especially when it comes to weddings). Who pays these days depends more on who has the ability to pay than on your designated side of the altar. Speaking the truth (with a cherry on top) is the key to success here.
Hip Tip: One savvy bride negotiated deep discounts by renting a ski lodge at Lake Tahoe during the off-season. Cash-strapped guests enjoyed a mini-vacation, complete with scenery, hiking, and clear mountain air, at close to Motel 6 prices!
Time Capsule. Whether the bride was a Rockefeller or born to a family of modest means, in times past etiquette dictated that the wedding would be in the style chosen by the bride’s family. If the groom’s side did offer to contribute money, they had to tread carefully. Any impression that the contribution was offered in order to alter the bride’s family’s wedding vision was considered poor manners.
Who Pays: FORGING YOUR OWN PATH
Anti-Brides are all about doing what feels right, which sometimes means bending traditional rules. Here are some strategies for handling the who pays
dilemma and twisting the tradition without the stress.
THE TWIST
Divide the total bill down the middle—half to the bride’s side, and half to the groom’s side.
TWISTING WITHOUT TRAUMA
This twist assumes that each side of the family is equally eager to help foot the bill. In this fairly rare case, be sure to develop an accurate budget early on and clearly communicate and agree upon the contributions, and any expectations, before you begin spending.
THE TWIST
Each side of the family pays for their own guests.
TWISTING WITHOUT TRAUMA
This can be a good solution when either family is expecting to invite a lot of people. Chances are that they’ll keep their guest list manageable if they’re footing the bill. Communication is the key here. You’ll need to confirm the guest list very early in the planning stages so that you can secure a location appropriate to the head count. It’s also a good idea to figure your budget per head
(per person), which you can determine by dividing your total budget for the ceremony and reception (see the questionnaire, page 14) by the estimated number of guests. Pass this number on to your respective families, and get them to confirm their proposed head counts.
THE TWIST
The bride and groom pay for everything themselves.
TWISTING WITHOUT TRAUMA
From an Anti-Bride perspective, this is probably the cleanest twist you can take. Paying for your wedding yourself helps ensure that you get your wedding your way. And it’s likely that your parents will still want to kick in some money to help out. In that case, graciously accept the money, and make sure you find out if it’s intended for something particular; if they’re giving you money specifically so you can rent their favorite country club and you plan to get married in the country (sans club), then it’s not appropriate to accept the money.
Hip Tip: Who says a modern girl can’t throw in a dash of tradition? Gretchen Hamm, owner of www.TwoBrides.com, a wedding Web site catering to gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender couples, says that when planning her daughter’s commitment ceremony, both families agreed that the bride’s side would pay—so the families split the costs equally.
OH, BEHAVE!
Don’t suggest stock the wedding bar
or pass the hat
as a theme for your bridal shower. You should never shake down your guests for wedding costs.
Money Matters: Setting the Budget
Hopefully you’ve decided which side of tradition you’re on when it comes to who pays, and now it’s time to put your money where your mouth is. Knowing your spending limits will curb the money dramas. Use this questionnaire to figure out how much money you have to work with.
1. How much money do we have? This figure should include not just the money you have today, but the amount you can realistically set aside for wedding expenses between now and the date of your wedding.
$___________________________________________________
2. Are we willing to go into debt to pay for our wedding? If so, what’s our debt limit? This amount should be one that you can comfortably pay off without sacrificing more important goals (such as home owner-ship, or the honeymoon).
$___________________________________________________
3. How much in contributions can we count on from our loved ones? Don’t estimate this figure! Never assume that (or how much) your family will contribute. Sit down and have an honest conversation with them, and make sure you have a clear understanding of how much they’re truly happy to give.
$___________________________________________________
Add up the dollar figures from questions 1, 2, and 3. This is your budget. The very word may smack of coupons, meat loaf on Mondays, and spreadsheets, but a budget is an Anti-Bride’s best friend. Knowing yours cold will help you make smarter decisions. Sticking to that budget will allow you to have the soiree of your dreams without nose-diving into financial folly.
Sticky Situations
Money is the mother of most sticky situations. Check out these real-life pickles, and our Anti-Bride advice on how to handle these tricky situations.
Your in-laws assume that you’re paying for a set of wedding pictures for them.
Solution: First, remember that it’s best to let your significant other handle this kind of issue with your in-laws. You’re not obligated to pay for a set of pictures for your in-laws or parents, but it is a nice touch to select a few for key people who contributed, either financially or with their time and effort, to the wedding. Circulate the proofs to the family so that they can select and purchase any additional images they really want. Include an order and cost form along with the proofs, plus a handwritten note with any necessary instructions.
Your parents or in-laws agreed to pay for a portion of the wedding, but the bills are starting to come in at warp speed, and so far, no dough.
Solution: We can’t stress enough that the key to managing money issues is clear communication from the beginning about who’s paying for what. If you are expecting a certain sum of money or a payment for a specific element of the wedding from your family and it still hasn’t come, you will need to ask them directly about the money. If the money is supposed to come from your partner’s family, then your partner will need to do the asking. Perhaps they’ve simply forgotten, they’re waiting for a cue from you, or they’ve had a change of heart. If the latter is the case, you’ll need to assess whether you can cover the unexpected costs yourselves and, if not, what you need to sacrifice.
Your partner has called off the wedding. What should you do about the money already spent?
Solution: The person calling off the wedding should cover all nonrefundable expenses (unless, of course, he called it off because he found you in the arms of another). The injured party can claim damages—money paid out in anticipation of the wedding—from the injuring party (who has committed, according to the law, a breach of promise
). If you’ve both agreed to call it off, expenses can be split. Any gifts received must be returned, tout de suite.
Some family members who have contributed money want to call the shots.
Solution: Here’s why it’s important to establish the ground rules before money changes hands. Stephi Stewart, author of Fire Your Wedding Planner, says, "Don’t