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    The Hand in the Pipe
    The Hand in the Pipe
    The Hand in the Pipe
    Ebook30 pages28 minutes

    The Hand in the Pipe

    By Harris Proctor

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    About this ebook

    What is a building superintendent to do when a tennant complains about a hand reaching up through her toilet? At first he questions her sanity, but the problem doesn't go away. He documents the crisis in a journal. As he writes over his old high school history notes, he outlines his struggle to eliminate this strange threat to his tidy universe. Along the way he learns some things about himself. And plumbing. But mostly himself.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHarris Proctor
    Release dateJun 8, 2015
    ISBN9781310091797
    The Hand in the Pipe
    Author

    Harris Proctor

    Harris Proctor is a writer, actor, painter, dancer, dance instructor, dance critic and a dancer. A long-suffering Cubs fan, he has just recently learned to type and now spends time converting his many hand-written journals into something legible. You can read his work here and at finestories.com and booksie.com. Word.

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      Book preview

      The Hand in the Pipe - Harris Proctor

      THE HAND IN THE PIPE

      BY

      HARRIS PROCTOR

      PUBLISHED BY

      HARRIS PROCTOR

      at

      SMASHWORDS

      Copyright 2015 Harris Proctor

      COVER ART BY MIGUEL CHAVEZ

      miguelangelillustrations

      The Hand in the Pipe

      April 21-

      The crazy lady in 12 D called me up to tell me there was a hand reaching up through her toilet. Actually, she called me up saying she had plumbing problems. She ushered me into her musty, cluttered bathroom to elaborate on the two episodes when she had been groped while attempting to take a dump. She seemed more indignant at the intrusion on her privacy and virtue than horrified that there was a fucking hand reaching up through her toilet.

      After five ridiculous years as the superintendent of the Riverbend apartment tower, I feel like I have mastered a stare that says, What exactly is the matter with you? when it’s appropriate.

      Can you describe the hand, Mrs. Brennan? I felt like a cop for a second. A cop dealing with five feet of elderly lunacy in a velour sweat suit.

      What do you mean? she asked as if it was an odd thing for me to say. She wears a lot of make up for someone who rarely leaves her unit.

      What does it look like? Would you recognize it if it wasn’t in your toilet?

      I never saw the hand. Again, I’m the maniac for asking such a bizarre question. I only felt it. It touched me down there.

      OK, I said before she could elaborate. The visual was not going to get any better if she kept going. Just a human hand.

      Of course it was a human hand. What else has hands?

      I don’t know…monkeys and so forth. Elves. Leprechauns. Certain dinosaurs once thought to be extinct that have taken refuge in old ladies’ shitpipes.

      I can tell the difference between a human hand and a gorilla hand. Does she have some previous experience? Carnival games must have been radically different in her day. "The first time I thought it was just my imagination. Then it happened again. Right when I called you. If you don’t address this immediately I’m going to call

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