200 Jokes, Funny Facts, Etc.:Book Two

Book Two Contents

10 Animal Jokes

10 Bar Room Jokes

10 Blonde Jokes

15 Doctor Jokes

10 Farmer Jokes

10 Golf Jokes

10 Heaven or Hell Jokes

10 Inspirational Items

15 Little Johnny Jokes

20 Man to Man Jokes

20 Man vs Woman Jokes

20 Misc Jokes

15 Senior Citizen Jokes

15 Surprise Ending Jokes

10 Work Place Jokes

More Humor

Animal Jokes Contents

A Dog`s Life

Bear Alert

Cats and Dogs

Dogs vs Wives

Got any Grapes

If Monkeys Could Talk

Mime at Zoo

Out In The Back Yard

Sick Duck

Talking Frog

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A Dog's Life

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

~ Unknown ~

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

~ Unknown ~

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.

~ Gene Hill ~

In dog years, I'm dead.

~ Unknown ~

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

~ Aldous Huxley ~

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

~ Robert Benchley ~

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

~ Sue Murphy ~

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

~ August Strindberg ~

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

~ Fran Lebowitz ~

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

~ Anne Tyler ~

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

~ Rita Rudner ~

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.

~ Joe Weinstein ~

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

~ James Thurber ~

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.

~ Nora Ephron ~

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

~ Ann Landers ~

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

~ Robert A. Heinlein ~

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

~ Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan ~

Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!

~ Dr. Tom Cat ~

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

~ Ben Williams ~

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

~ Edward Abbey ~

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

~ Unknown ~

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.

~ Unknown ~

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

~ Christopher Morley ~

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

~ Josh Billings ~

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.

~ Holbrook Jackson ~

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

~ Andrew A. Rooney ~

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.

~ Unknown ~

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

~ Mark Twain ~

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

~ Smiley Blanton ~

I' ve seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.

~ John Steinbeck ~

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Bear Alert

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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Cats and Dogs

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:

10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

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Dogs vs Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog??

If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting..

Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

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Got Any Grapes?

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, Do you have any grapes? The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, Do you have any grapes? The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks Do you have any grapes? The clerk screams at the duck, You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, Do you have any nails? The clerk replied, No, and the duck said, Good! Got any grapes?

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If Monkeys Could Talk

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said, I wish you could talk.

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

You can understand what I'm saying?, asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

Well, did you see this?, asked the officer.

Yes, motioned the monkey.

What happened?, asked the officer.

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

They were drinking?, asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What else?, asked the officer.

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

They were smoking marijuana?, asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What else?, asked the officer.

The monkey motioned kissing.

They were kissing, too? asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

The officer said, Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What were you doing during all this?, asked the officer.

Driving, motioned the monkey.

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Mime at the Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him