The JGirls Guide: The Young Jewish Woman's Handbook for Coming of Age

This book is about your journey to become a young Jewish woman who is strong in mind, body, and spirit.

This book was read by

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(YOUR NAME)

when

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This book was a loving gift from

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The Young Jewish Woman’s

Handbook for Coming of Age

Penina Adelman,

Ali Feldman and

Shulamit Reinharz

JEWISH LIGHTS Publishing

Woodstock,Vermont

The JGirl’s Guide:

The Young Jewish Woman’s Handbook for Coming of Age

2005 First Printing

© 2005 by Penina Adelman, Ali Feldman, and Shulamit Reinharz

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information regarding permission to reprint material from this book, please mail or fax your request in writing to Jewish Lights Publishing, Permissions Department, at the address / fax number listed below, or e-mail your request to permissions@jewishlights.com.

Grateful acknowledgment is given for permission to reprint from the following sources: Kadya Molodowsky, from Women-Poems and The Sabbath Song in Paper Bridges, ed. and trans. Kathryn Hellerstein (Detroit: Wayne State University Press, 1999), pages 79, 81, 453, and 455. Dvora Weisberg, The Study of Torah as a Religious Act and Itka Frajman Zygmuntowicz, Survival and Memory, in Four Centuries of Jewish Women’s Spirituality, ed. Ellen Umansky and Dianne Ashton (Boston: Beacon Press, 1992), pages 276–278 and 222. © 1992 by Ellen M. Umansky and Dianne Ashton. Reprinted by permission from A Spiritual Life by Merle Feld, the State University of New York Press. © 1999 the State University of New York Press. All rights reserved. The Chicago Historical Society, for permission to reprint materials from the Emily Frankenstein papers [manuscript], 1915–1920. Rachel Shnider, for material from Celebrating Our Cycles: A Jewish Woman’s Introduction to Menstruation and Womanhood, unpublished manuscript; and Rachel Shnider, How I Feel about Sex and Sexuality. © 2002 by Rachel Shnider. Letter to the Front, reprinted by permission of International Creative Management, Inc. © 1978 by Muriel Rukeyser.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Adelman, Penina V. (Penina Villenchik)

The Jgirl’s guide: the young Jewish woman’s handbook for coming of age / Penina Adelman, Ali Feldman, and Shulamit Reinharz.

p.      cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 1-58023-215-9 (pbk.)

1. Jewish girls—Conduct of life—Juvenile literature. 2. Jewish girls—Religious life—Juvenile literature. 3. Coming of age—Juvenile literature. I. Feldman, Ali. II. Reinharz, Shulamit. III. Title.

BM727.A33 2005

296.7'0835'2—dc22                    2005001674

Manufactured in the United States of America

Cover design: Asya Blue

Published by Jewish Lights Publishing

A Division of LongHill Partners, Inc.

Sunset Farm Offices, Route 4, P.O. Box 237

Woodstock, VT 05091

Tel (802) 457-4000              Fax (802) 457-4004

www.jewishlights.com

CONTENTS

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

0

INTRODUCTION: I’m a Jewish girl and so I’ll become a Jewish woman—is there any more to it than that?

Welcome • Coming of Age • What’s a Mitzvah? • A Royal Daughter, A JGirl • A Few Historical Basics • How This Book Works • Language • Activities • Resources • Ahavat Israel (Love of the People Israel)

1

BEING A FRIEND: I love my friends, but it’s hard to be a really good friend.

Mitzvot: Ve’ahavta l’reyakha kamokha (love your neighbor as yourself); Brit (covenant); G’milut chasadim (acts of lovingkindness); T’shuvah (repentance)

What Are Friends? • Who Is Your Friend? • Random Acts of Chesed • Problems with Friends • What Are the Arguments About? • Resolving Arguments • Cliques

2

BEING A DAUGHTER: I love my parents, but do I need to honor them, too?

Mitzvah: Kibud av va’em (honoring father and mother)

The Fifth Commandment • Jewish Mothers • Parents Today • Ways I Can Honor My Parents • Things Your Parents Do for You • Getting to Know Your Parents • Improving Your Relationship with Your Parents • When Honoring Parents is a Problem

3

EATING: I like to eat, but I think about food a lot.

Mitzvot: Ma’akhil re’eyvim (feeding the hungry); Hakhnasat orchim (inviting guests); Kashrut (sanctifying food)

Jewish Food • Holidays and the Foods They’re Associated With • The Forbidden Fruit • Manna from Heaven • Appreciating Food • Sharing Food • What Is Kashrut? • Points for Kashrut • Blessings • Eating Disorders

4

RESTING: I like to be active, but I am really stressed!

Mitzvah: Shmirat Shabbat (observance of a day of rest)

Preparation for Shabbat • Ten Tips to Prepare for Shabbat • Bringing Shabbat into Your Space • Lighting Shabbat Candles • Experiences of Shabbat • At the Shabbat Table • FAQs about Shabbat • Synagogue Services • Shabbat Sleepovers • Seudah Shlishit • Havdalah • Make Your Own Braided Havdalah Candle • One Step Further

5

FEELING GOOD ABOUT MY BODY: I feel healthy most of the time, but sometimes I don’t take care of myself.

Mitzvot: Shutafey l’ma’aseh bereishit (partners in creation); Betzelem Elohim (in the image of God)

Your Health—Partners in Creation • In the Image of God • Treat Your Body with Honor and Respect • Ways You Can Make Positive Changes in Your Life • Drugs, Alcohol, and Jews: What’s the Deal?

6

LIKING MYSELF: I want to fit in, but I want to be true to myself.

Mitzvah: Tzniut (dignity through modesty)

Inner Beauty • Body Image • 10 Things You Love about Yourself • Inner and Outer Selves

7

BECOMING A WOMAN: I am curious about sexuality, but I am scared about it, too.

Mitzvot: K’doshim tihyu (you shall be holy); Kol k’vodah bat melekh p’nimah (the true majesty of a royal daughter is inside her)

Growing Up Inside and Outside • Celebrating Your Period • Love and Sex • Sexual Safety

8

THINKING BEFORE I SPEAK: I need to say what I feel and think, but I may be hurting people when I do.

Mitzvah: Shmirat halashon (guarding the tongue)

Guarding Your Tongue • Lashon Hara • How to Combat Lashon Hara • The Consequences of Gossip • Silence

9

GETTING INVOLVED : I want to make the world a better place, but there are just too many problems.

Mitzvot: Tikkun olam (repairing the world); Kol Israel areivim zeh lazeh (all of Israel are responsible for one another)

Make a Difference • Putting the World Back Together • Volunteering • Jewish Women Who Are Changing the World

10

BECOMING MYSELF: I am Jewish, but is this how I want to identify myself?

Mitzvot: Bat mitzvah (becoming a Jewish woman); Talmud Torah (Torah study)

Identifying Yourself • What Makes You Happy to Be a Jew? • Bat Mitzvah • Women and Torah Study • Studying Torah

GLOSSARY

ABOUT THE JEWISH RELIGIOUS MOVEMENTS

FOR MORE INFORMATION…

NOTES

About Jewish Lights

Copyright

PREFACE

I am a professor, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a wife, an aunt, a friend, and many other things. I’m also a JGirl—and probably you are, too. You can be a JGirl as soon as you’re born and stay at it your whole life. You can become a JGirl later. Everybody’s story is different.

Being a JGirl means thinking about the fact that you are Jewish and wanting to find out more about other Jews. It means getting excited when you discover that a competitor at the Olympics is a young Jewish person and wondering how she lives her life. It means wanting to look up the Jewish community if you travel to another country. It means reading the newspaper with a special eye for what is going on in Israel or Jewish communities in other countries.

The JGirl’s Guide is for girls who have always been JGirls and for those who want to become JGirls. It’s for learning what it takes to become one. It’s written with you in mind.

I started on my JGirl path from the minute I was born in a Catholic hospital in Amsterdam, Holland. Both my parents had escaped from Germany as teenagers when the Nazis gained power. They thought they would be safe in Holland, but after they arrived there, the Nazis invaded that country as well. My parents (who were actually only boyfriend and girlfriend at the time) decided to hide rather than give up, just like Anne Frank did with her family. Unlike Anne Frank, however, the people who would become my parents were never caught. Thus, when the war was finally over and the Jews could come out of their hiding places, my parents married, and nine months later I was born. With a history like that and with my parents giving me a Hebrew name—Shulamit—I was off and running as a JGirl.

Later, when we moved to the United States, I started going to public school during the day and Hebrew school on two afternoons and Sunday mornings. Unlike some kids, I loved it. It was great to learn a new language and be able to be a leader in Junior Congregation. Each time we participated in Junior Congregation, a star was put on a chart. I was pretty ambitious and loved getting those stars.

Then one day I turned 12 and it was time to start preparing for my bat mitzvah. Life was very different then from the way it is now. I sat with a teacher who gave me a phonograph recording (not even a tape and certainly not a CD) to learn my Haftarah. That was pretty much my entire training. Girls didn’t do as much for their bat mitzvah ceremonies in the 1950s, when I had mine, as they do now. In those days, many girls didn’t even become bat mitzvah at all.

During the summer in which I turned 12, my mother, baby brother, and I traveled to Israel to visit relatives and see the country. By ship it took two weeks to get there and two weeks to get back—with lots of seasickness along the way. I returned from Israel a very enthusiastic JGirl. Israel was 10 years old, and I was 12. I had lots of adventures in the moshav (rural town) I visited, including riding horses, building and sitting around campfires, and hanging out with Israeli kids. I loved everything Israeli. So when the movie Exodus came out, I went to see it and, of course, fell in love with that, too. I decided then and there that I would try to marry someone who shared the same ideas I did.

When I was 15 and living in a New Jersey suburb, I met an Israeli boy who had just moved to the United States. We became friends right away because he hadn’t learned English yet, and I had learned enough Hebrew in Hebrew school and from my trip to Israel that we could communicate. After we graduated from college, we married, and later we had two daughters. We gave them Hebrew names (Yael and Naomi). They too became JGirls.

As a professor at Brandeis University in Waltham, Massachusetts, I teach sociology and women’s studies. Many of the topics I study relate to issues that were important to me growing up. In 1997, I created a special research center to examine issues central to Jews and to women (the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute). Each summer we invite a few highly talented college students to work with us as interns. That’s how this book, The JGirl’s Guide, was born.

One of the interns was Ali Feldman, a young woman from Toronto, who came to work with us on new ideas she was developing for bat mitzvah girls. By the end of the summer, Ali had finished the first draft of a huge book on the topic. The next summer, she returned to continue her work, and I recommended that she contact Penina Adelman, a local professional who had a bat mitzvah–age daughter of her own and had run groups for mothers and daughters. Since then Penina and Ali have worked hard to turn that first draft into a book of manageable size that girls can use wherever they live. I have tried to be helpful throughout the whole process.

Why did I ask Penina and Ali to spend so much time writing this book for you? The reasons are simple.

No matter how much has been written about being a Jewish girl, there is always need for more, because the lives of Jewish teens are constantly changing. When I was growing up there were no cell phones, videos, DVDs, digital cameras, Internet, computers, fax machines, or instant messaging. Most families had only one car; most moms didn’t work outside the home. Hebrew day schools were very rare. Fewer JGirls grew up in divorced families, with single moms or stepparents. More JGirls now than earlier grow up in families with two moms or two dads. Because life is changing so quickly, it is important to think about what it means to be a JGirl today.

A second reason that I urged Ali and Penina to work on this book is that some Jewish girls grow up in places where there aren’t many Jewish kids. That was true for me. I didn’t have many other Jewish girls to talk to, so I could have used this book. However, no one wrote it for me, so I decided to work with Ali and Penina on writing this for you.

We’d love to hear from you. Tell us your JGirl story. Perhaps we can pass it on to other girls as we work on building a fabulous JGirl world!

SHULAMIT REINHARZ

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This book began as Ali Feldman’s project when she was an intern at the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute. I am grateful to Ali for asking me to work with her and for being a wonderful co-author and hevruta. I am grateful to Diane Troderman, Harold Grinspoon, and the Grinspoon Foundation for providing the funds to enable me to work on this book for two years. During two summers, I engaged the efforts of Lily Safra Interns at the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute: Naomi Reinharz at Brown University, Aviva Dautch at Leo Baeck College, and Rosie Davis at Bates College. Two Student-Scholar Partners at Brandeis University also helped a great deal: Miriam Kingsberg and Amy Schiller.

Nancy Vineberg was instrumental in negotiating all the publishing details with Jewish Lights and particularly with Stuart M. Matlins, publisher, and his very talented staff, especially Emily Wichland and Amanda Dupuis, who oversaw this project.

Rabbi Benjamin Samuels helped find sources on the mitzvot and clarified many Jewish concepts for me. Rabbi Karen Landy advised me on writing for girls on sexual issues. Abby Wyschogrod, Nechama Cheses, and Vicky Lyon were simultaneously going through the bat mitzvah process with their daughters and shared their insights with me. Stephanie Samuels and Elkie Zarchi shared their experience in teaching Jewish girls. Melissa Klapper was very generous in contributing her knowledge of Jewish-American girls’ diaries to the book. Many girls read and critiqued the manuscript: Gabrielle Goodman of Manhattan as well as the Focus Group Girls at Temple Shalom in Milton, Massachusetts, and at the Rashi School in Newton, Massachusetts.

The Women’s Studies Research Center at Brandeis University and the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute provided me with space, time and supportive, stimulating colleagues who constantly remind me what the work is for. I presented The JGirl’s Guide to them at various stages and they were wonderful, discerning critics. Shula Reinharz—my co-author, as well as the director of both the Women’s Studies Research Center at Brandeis University and the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute—kept the goals of this book in front of us always.

My mother, Selma Williams, continues to be my mentor.

Last, but not least, Steve Adelman, my patron and critic was there by my side.

This book is dedicated to Laura, my precious guide.

PENINA ADELMAN

The everlasting wisdom of Pirkei Avot assists me in expressing my gratitude to the many people involved in The JGirl’s Guide.

Aseh l’cha rav—Appoint a teacher for yourself (Pirkei Avot 1:6). Several people have mentored and guided me through this project. Dr. Shulamit Reinharz was the motivating force. She met me as an amateur writer and saw great potential in this project. It is due to her vision that the book is before you today. Her constant effort to ensure funding, her insightful comments, and her dream of paving the way for a healthy and happy future for girls have seen this project through to fruition. Many other people in Boston, Toronto, Montreal, and Jerusalem acted as mentors and advisers: Dr. Susan Kahn, Dr. Sylvia Barack Fishman, Helene Greenberg, Sylvia Fuchs Fried, Greg Beiles, Dr. Nora Gold, Rabbi Tziv Hirshfield, Dr. David Bernstein, Dr. Barry Chazan, Dr. Susan Wall, Gila Silverman, Nancy Vineberg, Barbara Berley Melitz, Diane Troderman and people at the Toronto Heschel School, Pardes Institute for Jewish Studies, Nishmat Midrasha for women’s studies, and the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute.

V’hetalech min ha safek—And remove yourself from uncertainty (Pirkei Avot 1:16). I would like to mention three rabbis who have been personally and professionally helpful to me: Rabbi Reuven Tradburks of Kehillat Shaarei Torah in Toronto, Rabbi Yehoshua Berman, and Rabbi Tzvi Leshem.

Koneh l’cha chaver—Acquire a friend for yourself (Pirkei Avot 1:6). Several friends and colleagues reviewed this work, challenged my ideas, and provoked me to think about girls, Judaism, and mitzvot in a vibrant light. In particular, I would like to thank my Jerusalem friends, with whom I was privileged to share an intellectual, spiritual, musical, and rational journey to Judaism for the three years I lived there.

I am grateful to the AviChai Foundation for sponsoring the Pardes Educators Program, and other foundations that made this project possible—in particular, the Harold Grinspoon Foundation and the Edmond