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The Last Black Unicorn
The Last Black Unicorn
The Last Black Unicorn
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The Last Black Unicorn

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NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

“An inspiring story that manages to be painful, honest, shocking, bawdy and hilarious.” —The New York Times Book Review

From stand-up comedian, actress, and breakout star of Girls Trip, Tiffany Haddish, comes The Last Black Unicorn, a sidesplitting, hysterical, edgy, and unflinching collection of (extremely) personal essays, as fearless as the author herself.

Growing up in one of the poorest neighborhoods of South Central Los Angeles, Tiffany learned to survive by making people laugh. If she could do that, then her classmates would let her copy their homework, the other foster kids she lived with wouldn’t beat her up, and she might even get a boyfriend. Or at least she could make enough money—as the paid school mascot and in-demand Bar Mitzvah hype woman—to get her hair and nails done, so then she might get a boyfriend.

None of that worked (and she’s still single), but it allowed Tiffany to imagine a place for herself where she could do something she loved for a living: comedy.

Tiffany can’t avoid being funny—it’s just who she is, whether she’s plotting shocking, jaw-dropping revenge on an ex-boyfriend or learning how to handle her newfound fame despite still having a broke person’s mind-set. Finally poised to become a household name, she recounts with heart and humor how she came from nothing and nowhere to achieve her dreams by owning, sharing, and using her pain to heal others.

By turns hilarious, filthy, and brutally honest, The Last Black Unicorn shows the world who Tiffany Haddish really is—humble, grateful, down-to-earth, and funny as hell. And now, she’s ready to inspire others through the power of laughter.
LanguageEnglish
PublisherGallery Books
Release dateDec 5, 2017
ISBN9781501181849
Author

Tiffany Haddish

Tiffany Haddish is a comedian, actress, host, and producer who was the breakout star of the smash comedy Girls Trip. Her additional film and television work includes The Afterparty, The Card Counter, Here Today, Bad Trip, Tuca & Bertie, Kids Say the Darndest Things., Night School, The Carmichael Show, Keanu, and a turn as host of the 2018 MTV Movie and TV Awards. Her Emmy-nominated and Grammy-winning comedy special, Tiffany Haddish: Black Mitzvah, debuted on Netflix in December 2019. Haddish became the second black woman ever to win a Grammy for Outstanding Comedy Album and the first since Whoopi Goldberg won in 1986. She also Executive Produces and hosts Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready through She Ready Productions and both seasons are available on Netflix. In November 2017, she made history by becoming the first black female stand-up comedian to host Saturday Night Live which earned her the 2018 Emmy Award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series.” Haddish also founded The She Ready Foundation to help and support foster kids in need. She currently lives in Los Angeles.

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Rating: 3.895927538461539 out of 5 stars
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  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I'm sure if I read this on paper I would not have enjoyed it as much as I did listening to Haddish read it as an audiobook. She's not always likable, but she can be pretty damn funny at times.She lightened up an otherwise unpleasant road trip to a funeral.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Haddish has a lot of energy and channels it into her stories and anecdotes - some sad, some funny, some weird - with a very silly unicorn song at the end...
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    interesting, if a bit raw for my tastes. Very honest.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    The Last Black Unicorn is Tiffany Haddish’s memoir. I wanted to read it because I saw Tiffany on a talk show telling the host about how she was a former foster child. As a former foster parent myself, I was curious to learn more about her journey from foster care to successful stand-up comedian and actress.Tiffany had a hard life. Not only did she survive a rough childhood, she endured an abusive marriage. She recounts her life with brutal honesty, even when it makes her look bad. She does temper her stories with humor but even so, I found parts hard to read, or rather listen to. She reads the audiobook herself. I found the part about her relationship with a physically and mentally disabled man uncomfortable to listen to. Not because she dated him but because when she read his dialogue, she used the “accent” f,or lack of a better word, that some mentally challenged people have when they talk. Perhaps I’m oversensitive, but I didn’t care for it.The Last Black Unicorn is a good memoir – although I think she relies on the word “whatever” as a descriptor far too much. Tiffany has had a pretty crazy life and has worked extremely hard to get to where she is today. However, I wouldn’t say this book is laugh out loud hilarious. It has funny parts but Tiffany’s stand-up and talk show appearances are definitely funnier. Even though I had a few problems with it, I think fans of Tiffany Haddish will enjoy this book.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Tiffany Haddish is funny, charming, a great story teller, and has had an interesting life with a lot of painful things. I love reading biographies to get a perspective I normally wouldn't.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Before this book came into my life I had never known who Tiffany Haddish was. Yes, I am living under a rock. I recalled the author’s name being slightly familiar but I didn’t know why. Oh and I also thought this was going to be some contemporary novel I really don’t know why.Tiffany Haddish is a hilarious black Jewish comedienne. She made me laugh at the death of an old guy at a bar mitzvah, the sex life of a guy with a handicap, her abusive marriage; who does that? It also really helped that I decided to check out the audiobook from my library. She’s got great storytelling skills. Some people need someone else to read their story because of they don’t have that gift but she definitely had it handled. I didn’t know that I could laugh at some crude humor but she just managed to bring that out of me. Highly recommended.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Best for: People who enjoy Tiffany HaddishIn a nutshell: Comedian and actor Tiffany Haddish shares stories - some hilarious, some serious - from her life.Worth quoting: “I try to forgive him. I really do try to find a place of forgiveness in my heart for him. That shit is hard, though.”Why I chose it: I was about to board a nine-hour flight, and thought this would be a good choice for helping the time pass quickly. I was right.Review:Some memoirs by famous folks are co-written by someone who has more experience writing books. Ms. Haddish employed Tucker Max to assist, but I didn’t even realize it until I read the acknowledgments at the end. That is to say: this book sounds exactly like Tiffany Haddish. Some of the chapters in this book are fantastic. Ms. Haddish is a great storyteller, and that isn’t limited to traditionally ‘funny’ fare. Her deep honesty around past relationships, and her recognition of how hard it is to understand why she returned to her abusive ex husband make the serious stories as enthralling as the funny ones. She’s been through some shit, and she doesn’t seem to hold back in sharing it all with us.That said, I think others enjoyed this book more than I did, and I might not be being fair in my review when I say that the way she writes about her date with Roscoe (who lives in a group home and has an arm that didn’t fully develop) left me … unimpressed. That’s not to say that I think it was mean. In fact, I think Ms. Haddish comes across throughout as a very sweet woman. But I think she just missed the mark in how she told that book, and it kind of took the wind out of the second half for me. I also didn’t appreciate how she seems deeply insulted by the idea of anyone being fat. For me, that’s such a ridiculous thing to still be employing for laughs / insults that I get especially annoyed when I see it from someone who is a very smart comedian.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    A fresh voice, and one I appreciate. Haddish is an inspiration. She does not dwell on anything. I would be rocking back and forth in the corner for all of time if I were her but she rises above it all. Crazy physically and emotionally abusive mother, absent father, mercenary grandmother, abusive psychotically controlling husband, illiteracy, poverty, and the list continues. How she went from homeless bar mitzvah entertainer to someone hanging out with Kevin Hart, Will and Jada, Mary J. Blige, Queen Latifah, and Hannibal Burros I still don't know, but she did, and it appears she did it with style. She still wants to care for her mother. She embraced her father. She found success. She is the queen. She rises above it all.Could this be better written? It could. Is Haddish's sense of humor a mesh for mine? Most of the time it is not (although Roscoe the Handicapped Angel is one of the sweetest and funniest things I have read in a long time.) Is there a lot of filler in here? Yes, especially at the end. Still, this is a story many of us don't hear, delivered in a way that teaches us a little something and expands our world. And its fun.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish is part memoir and part uplifting 'anyone can succeed' comedy. It was quite an interesting experience reading this on the heels of I've Got This Round as both are funny slice of life books by hilarious women. The main difference is that I felt more of a connection to Tiffany and honestly I think my own life story would read similarly. Tiffany faced a lot of challenges during her childhood but those challenges are what molded her into the strong adult that she is today. *cue dramatic music* (My story would have a lot less booze and sex for sure.) If you're bothered by books that are heavy on the vernacular combined with coarse language then I'm afraid this isn't the book for you. If you like reading about women who made it big despite the odds being stacked against them then it's your lucky day. The Last Black Unicorn has definitely made me want to watch her stand-up routine. In fact, it was her book promo on Trevor Noah's show that enticed me to pick up the book. I'm glad that I did. :-) From sending poorly written love notes to her school crush to pimping out the 'other woman' Tiffany has had a compelling life story that if nothing else will take you out of your own life for the hours you spend reading it. (I bet it's an absolute scream as an audiobook.) 9/10A/N: It was at the end that I realized this was written by a ghost writer. I know that's common but I felt that it was necessary to make you aware just in case that was a no-no for any of you. This is essentially why it lost a point...and the overuse of vernacular didn't help either.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Did you love Tiffany in the "Girl's Trip" movie? If not, ignore this (and grow a sense of humor, willya?). If so, this book IS the woman - totally vulgar and hilarious but also with fifty shades of sadness beneath. She was abandoned by her father and went into foster care when her mother was institutionalized after being in a car accident deliberately caused by her stepfather.Tiffany did not learn to read until 9th grade and made her way through school by cheating and by faking it until a teacher finally sussed her out. Miserable enough yet? She also marries a complete turd - TWICE! - and is taken advantage by men of at every turn ("What? You ain't no damn pimp! You're a baggage handler!"). However, a man or two realize how funny and entertaining she is, and so in her teens Tiffany makes a living as a "fluffer" at bar mitzvahs - the rowdy girl who gets everyone up on the dance floor. This leads her to standup, TV, and movies - but she retains her essential mistrust of the world. The book was obviously put out on the quick to capitalize on her breakout movie role, but it's a fast yet heartfelt read. If you buy it, you'll contribute towards helping her buy a duplex with half the house for her mom. After all she's achieved, that's all Tiffany really wants.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Wow!!! So warm and kind, Tiffany’s stories open up a view deeper inside of her life. Sometimes sad, sometimes hilarious, it makes me feel gratitude.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    it was ok, had some funny parts wasnt The best or worst thing I've ever read it was just ok
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I laughed a lot reading this. She is a true gem. I loved this book!!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Loved this one and would def recommend. Fast read.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    good book , enlightening with new insight about actors/actresses that is not know to the
    audience.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Beautiful, heart warming book. I laughed and cried, a gripping emotional roller coaster I couldn’t put down. I literally read this in one sitting when I should be studying for final exams.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Tiff you’re just authentic, unique and I love your honesty.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Tiffany is me ... Every part of this book I felt on a different level.
    Blessings to Tiffany!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This is dark and raw and laugh-out-loud funny. You don't actually need to know who she is to enjoy this. I didn't. I don't get out much. You don't need to be a fan of the celebrity memoir either. You do need to be able to handle depictions of abuse though. Some of the moments in here are extremely real. Some are beautiful. Many are hilarious.I think I need to go watch this woman work.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    Went back and forth between 2 and 3 stars because it was mostly just okay. There were some important and touching things and lots of laughs. I didn't gain anything from listening and it didn't make me want to follow her career or seek anything out that she's in. Meh.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This is not a work of literary genius and I love it all the more for that; basically, Tiffany decided that being illiterate until high school is no reason to think she couldn't write her own autobiography and BAM! just did it. Her tone doesn't always translate to the page so this is definitely best as an audiobook for maximum amusement.

    Irrelevant side note: Peter Beagle's classic The Last Unicorn is in no way referenced by this book.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    nonfiction-humor/memoir, audiobook--contains adult language and themes, also potential trauma triggers (abusive relationships)

    This will make you laugh; there are a lot of funny stories in here, but also lots of serious, for-real stuff.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Comedian and actress Tiffany Haddish relates the story of her life and her rise to fame in Hollywood. I found this memoir powerful, but not particularly funny. There were a few funny stories, but most of it was about her abusive child hood and her various abusive relationships with men. Honestly, this book was pretty sad. I was so glad for her that she achieved her dreams and she made it and I really hope she finds someone to treat her right. I still enjoyed the book because she spoke openly about her experiences and more abused women need to do this. It's hard, but it has such a positive impact for other people going through these things.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I looooove Tiffany, which is why this gets three stars and not two. It’s pretty mediocre. I’d recommend watching her early interviews - you’ll get the same stories and a better sense of her as a person. And you’ll actually laugh.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I enjoyed this read. Despite the he'll she went through, Tiffany finds a way to present it with humor. It's one of my favorite reads and I strongly recommend to anyone who's saying I can't take it no more and about to quit, don't give up. Tiffany is living proof, that through perseverance and persistence, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Bless you my sister ❤
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Amazing. Couldn’t put it down, she opened up and was so transparent about her experience that at times pierced my heart and other times brought my so much laughter.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    What a charismatic audiobook.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Hilarious. Easy to read, I enjoyed the writing style too.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    One of the best memoirs I've read. A quick read and very enjoyable.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Love Tiffany and absolutely loved this book of hers!

Book preview

The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish

Mascots and Bar Mitzvahs: High School Years

School was hard for me, for lots of reasons. One was I couldn’t read until, like, ninth grade. Also I was a foster kid for most of high school, and when my mom went nuts, I had to live with my grandma. That all sucked.

I got popular in high school, but before that, I wasn’t so popular. Kids would tease me all the time in elementary and middle school. They’d say I got flies on me and I smell like onions.

The flies thing came from the moles on my face. I got one under my eye, I had one on my chin, and so on. That was kind of mean.

The onions thing was because my mom used to make eggs in the morning with onions in them. Every damn morning, I had to eat eggs and onions. That would just make you stink. The whole house would stink.

Yeah, it was mean to say I stunk like onions, but . . . I did stink like onions.

Kids used to make fun of me all the time about shit related to my mom. She didn’t know how to do my hair. From kindergarten on up, I had the craziest hair.

I had long, pretty hair, but she didn’t know how to do the ballies, or put it in a cute little ribbon. She only knew how to do the afro puffs, or just one big ponytail, but she didn’t comb it all the way through, so I’d look like a cone head.

You know—black women, we got complicated hair. If you do it right, it’s beautiful. But if you don’t, it looks like some crow’s nest.

In the black neighborhoods, little girls’ hair is always cute. They’ve got the barrettes and all that. It’s a big thing to have good hair as a black woman.

But not me. I had naps, and it was crazy. I would love when I would see my auntie Mary, because she would do my hair, and it would last for a few days. I’d try to sleep pretty. I’d put panties on my head, so I don’t mess it up, and I’d sleep pretty.

But there was one nickname that stuck for a long time:

Dirty Ass Unicorn.

I had a wart growing on my forehead. I thought it was just an ugly mole. You couldn’t help but notice. It was spiky and big, and I could not hide it. I used to try. I would wear bangs and stuff, nothing worked. It was growing out of my head. It was like a flower, and spiky, and it would curl into itself, like a horn.

The kids would make so much fun of me, they would talk about me so bad. It would make me so mad, it would hurt my feelings so much. I just wanted to hurt them back, but I didn’t know how to hurt them back or what to say, because I actually did have this horn.

So all I could do was hurt myself. I would take scissors and I would try to cut off my horn, and then it would bleed. It would bleed down my face.

In school, in class, I would cut it off, and I would just sit there and wait for people to notice me. I would be bleeding down my face, and when they did notice, they’d freak out:

Kid 1: Tiffany’s bleeding!

Kid 2: Oh my God, oh my God, she cut her horn off, oh my God! Teacher!!

They’d be trying to like take care of me, getting me paper towels and stuff. It made them care about me. Hurting myself made them stop hurting me and care about me.

Teacher: Tiffany, why’d you do that?

Tiffany: Because they keep talking bad about my horn. I want to cut it off, so they can’t talk about it no more.

The teachers never had no response to that.

Then I’d be walking around for three or four days with a hole in my forehead, ’cause I done cut it off. Then it would just grow right back. Like, in five days, it would be right back.

Finally, one day I was crying about this to my grandma. She grabbed me and started looking at my head:

Grandma: Child, that ain’t no damn mole. That a wart.

Tiffany: What’s a wart?

Grandma: It’s nasty is what it is. You got HPV. What’chu been touching on, child?

Tiffany: What’s HPV?

Grandma: It’s a nasty wart that nasty people get after they do nasty things.

That was messed up by my grandma. Now that I’m older, I learned that skin warts is nothing like genital warts. They’re totally different. But in my grandma’s eyes, I was nasty. I was doing something nasty.

The good news is that she got it burnt off. She took me to the doctor to confirm it was a wart and then burnt that shit right off.

That’s how the Dirty Ass Unicorn died and the Last Black Unicorn was born.

•  •  •

High school was way better for me.

I went to a school called El Camino Real. It was 3 percent black. It was mostly white and Hispanic and Asian—and pretty much all of them were rich.

I got bused from South Central LA. I woke up every morning about 5 a.m. to catch the bus at 6:15. I had to walk to the bus stop in the cold every morning. I mean, this is LA, so it’s not like there was snow. But for me, sixty degrees is freezing.

What was funny about high school was that all the things that got made fun of in elementary school, they were valued in high school. I was a great talker and had a unique style—poor as fuck chic—these were good qualities in a rich suburban school, where everyone else was the same. I stood out.

But the truth is, the main reason I ended up being successful in high school was because of everything I did while trying to get with this one dude, Audie.

I was stalking him. I would send him candygrams. Remember candygrams? I sent him A LOT of candygrams. I gave him a Snickers every week, till we was in twelfth grade. That dude probably has a mouth full of cavities because of me. I would try to write him notes, but I was illiterate, so everything was wrong. It was the worst:

Audie, yo how bout we date er som fing?

I was in ninth grade, and straight up I could not read or write.

I could only read three-letter words or things you see on TV. It was like first- or second-grade reading level.

You wanna hear some real crazy shit? I was in AP classes (where you can get college credit in high school), while not being able to read!

I could not spell or read, but I knew how to talk. I would game people. I would game everybody. It’s easy to game school, once you realize that the rules are bullshit and you can get around them.

For example, whenever I had to read something, I would get someone else to read it to me. There was this one dude who was really smart, and he had a deep voice. I would be like, Oh my God, Curtis, could you read this to me, I love hearing your voice. I had the greatest memory, so if he read to me I would memorize it instantly, and then if we had to read out loud in class, I would just say what he had said.

The problem would be when I would read the wrong paragraph. The teacher would say:

Teacher: What are you talking about, Tiffany? You read the last paragraph. I want you to read the first one.

Tiffany: I got to pee, I’m sorry.

I’d get up and run out the classroom. I had a lot of those types of emergencies my ninth-grade year.

Multiple choice tests were easy to fake. I would make people laugh, make ’em want to be my friend, and then, they would let me copy off of them. Essay tests were harder to fake, but I found a way. Here’s what I did:

I would just tell the teacher I was sick, or find a way to take the test later. Then I’d ask a friend, What’d you say on your essay? Tell me everything. They would tell me, I would memorize their words, and I’d just repeat them. My essay would be full of misspellings and grammar mistakes, but it would pretty much have whatever somebody else’s essay had.

Now, it seems crazy that I could not read or write. My memory was really good, so it didn’t make no sense. I just couldn’t read. You know what it was? I just didn’t believe I could. I thought I was stupid.

Before high school, I was told I was stupid every day. My stepdad used to tell me I was stupid all the time. My mama said it every day. My grandma sometimes. Definitely other kids at school. I believed I was stupid, so I guess I just didn’t think I could do it. I never tried.

I used to hate when people called me stupid. That would make me so angry. I would want to fight you for calling me stupid. But you know what’s so funny? As an adult, when I was working at the airline, one of my coworkers called me stupid. I said:

Tiffany: You call me stupid one more damn time, we’re gonna have a straight-up fight in here.

Coworker: You do realize I’m trying to tell you that you’re funny. I think you’re funny. That’s why I’m saying that. Like, you stupid funny.

Tiffany: Oh, shit. My bad. I won’t fight you over no compliment.

I started thinking, maybe all these years people been trying to tell me I was funny. Here I’m thinking they were trying to say I’m dumb, ’cause I felt dumb.

But back to being illiterate and trying to date Audie:

Audie ended up outing my lack of reading and writing, but not on purpose. Audie was in drama class, so I got into drama class. My thinking was that Audie was the only black dude in drama, and if I joined, I would be the only black girl in drama. I thought to myself, I bet we going to be kissing. We’re going to have to be husband and wife or something. They’re going to have to put us together. This school racist. They’re going to have to put us together.

But no. These motherfuckers had to be all liberal and integrated and shit. Audie got to have a Hispanic wife in the play. But I’m going to have to be a single mom?

Tiffany: Why do I still got to be a statistic? This is not fair. I want to kiss Audie.

Teacher: What?

And the shitty part was that Audie was cool with it. Man, I sent him so many Snickers, and he never gave me any sugar.

It was the drama teacher who figured out I couldn’t read. It was the end of my ninth-grade year. She asked me to stay after class, and by this time, she knew my hustle. She trapped me.

Miss Gree: Tiffany, I want you to try this part. It’s a role opposite Audie.

Tiffany: Yeah, girl, I’m in!

Miss Gree: Great, I thought you might like it. Here, read this page, let’s see how you do.

Tiffany: Okay, Miss Gree, lemme take the script home and work on it, and I’ll do it for you tomorrow.

Miss Gree: I love your work ethic, Tiffany. But no. I’m going to need you to read this right now.

Tiffany: Uh . . . I’m not feeling well though, for real.

Miss Gree: You seemed very healthy thirty seconds ago. This must be a rapid virus.

Tiffany: Oh yeah, it could be Ebola. I better get to the nurse before I infect you.

Miss Gree: Tiffany . . . can you read?

Tiffany: I can read!

Miss Gree: Then just read this paragraph before you go see the nurse. Read this and you have the part.

Tiffany: You so pretty, Miss Gree. Did you change your hair?

She was like no, no, no, no, no. She caught me.

But she was so cool about it. She didn’t tell anyone. She got me out of nutrition class, and had me come in every day and learn to read with her. She took me from first-grade level to ninth-grade level in like, a month. She just sat with me and showed me, and it was no problem.

Once I could read, man, it was like I had a superpower! I wasn’t stupid! All them words made sense!

She had me get into competitive monologue. I had already been in a drama festival as part of a team, and my team won first place for Macbeth, but I was just a witch. Easy shit, like, Double double toil and trouble. Super easy.

Now she had me do the Shakespeare Festival. It was a monologue, so I played all the characters. I was doing pretty well at some of the smaller competitions, but then there was the big one.

And I won first place. I beat out 375 drama kids.

When they called me as the winner, it was just me standing there onstage along with this one white guy. We were the finalists. He had won every year previously, so everyone expected him to win again. When they called my name, I kinda freaked out. I remember just being like, Whooaaa. I was just trembling all over, and then I started doing the Running Man right onstage. The lady who was presenting the award got mad:

Presenter: Act like a lady. Act like a lady!

Tiffany: I am! I am!

I think that’s the very first time I had an orgasm. I’m pretty sure I had one onstage. Then, I didn’t know what it was. I just started trembling and freaking out and getting sweats and tingling. Man, I was so happy.

You know what I was most happy about?

This would mean I was going to be able to buy my first pair of shoes on my own.

You see, I had made a bet. A week before the big competition, my aunt’s boyfriend was down on me:

Boyfriend: You’re not gonna do it. That drama shit is a white thing. You’re not going to make it.

Tiffany: I’ve won before, at smaller meets. I did good.

Boyfriend: They ain’t gonna pick you. This Shakespeare. This a white thing.

Tiffany: I bet you I’m gonna win!

Boyfriend: Child, please. I bet you $100 you ain’t gonna win.

When I got home, I ran in with my trophy:

Auntie: You won?

Tiffany: I sure did. Got my trophy and everything!

Boyfriend: You didn’t win! You robbed some white kid for his trophy!

Best believe I got my $100 out of him. And I used that $100 to buy a pair of Doc Martens boots.

Everybody had them, and most importantly, Audie said he liked girls that wore Doc Martens boots. He didn’t think I could ever afford a pair. Until then, I had been wearing Payless shoes that looked kind of like the boots, but they were regular shoes. I’d wear black socks all the way up to my knees, so it’d look like I had it going on. But I didn’t. I didn’t have it going on.

But I won. I beat 375 drama kids for a pair of Doc Martens boots.

•  •  •

The next day, I missed the school bus and went all the way to the Shoe Warehouse and bought my Doc Martens boots, and then I caught the MTA to school. I showed up at the school about three or four hours late and I was like, bam! Stomping through school in my Doc Martens boots.

And then Audie still didn’t like me. He still didn’t want me.

So I became the school mascot. My tenth-grade year, I became the Conquistador, the Spanish soldier mascot of El Camino Real High School.

At first, I tried to join the cheerleading squad, but the cheerleaders had too many rules. Their rules were nonsense. Like you can’t cuss, you got to be on time, you have to wear mascara every day, you have to have your hair done pretty every day. All these rules. And you can’t just dance when you feel like it. I was like:

Tiffany: What kind of rules you got for the mascot?

Teacher: The mascot doesn’t have any rules.

Tiffany: That’s what I want to be, then—the mascot.

Nobody had tried out to be the mascot, except me. So I got it.

The first time I mascoted, I didn’t have the uniform yet. It was too big for me, so I had my grandma do alterations on it. I had a T-shirt, and I wrote on it in big black letters:

Will have uniform in 2 weeks. Grandma doin’ it.

People loved it.

My routine was dope. I would be running up and down the field with my megaphone, telling people what to do, leading cheers.

Tiffany: El Cam, what?

Crowd: Mino!

Tiffany: El Cam, whaaaaat?

Crowd: MINO!

Tiffany: You know!

Crowd: WE KNOW!

I would pass out candy, I would bring people down from the stands and do dance-offs, I would do all kinds of fun stuff like that. I would be watching ESPN to see what the professional mascots do, and then I’d be ripping off their techniques. I was pretty awesome at this.

The only reason I even wanted to be on the cheerleading squad (or, later, a mascot) was so I could be with the football players, because Audie also played football. But also, there was some other fine guys that played football, so I figured this would be a great way to get a boyfriend and get laid.

None of that worked out, but I did become the most popular girl in school. They even put a plaque on the wall with my name on it. It’s still on the wall. And best of all—by my senior year, I was getting PAID to be the high school mascot.

I was paid $50 a game. That was unprecedented for my high school.

See, that happened because Audie told me he couldn’t be with me. It was during my eleventh-grade year.

Audie: I can’t date no mascot. I’m not going to have no mascot girlfriend. They going to be calling me the mascot assistant. I don’t think so.

To make Audie jealous, I had gotten another boyfriend on the football team. He was a grade under me, and he used to carry my bag for me. So they started calling him the assistant mascot.

Audie: See man, that’s why I don’t fuck with Tiffany. I ain’t no assistant mascot.

My senior year, my boyfriend broke

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