I'm Saying No!: Standing Up Against Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, and Sexual Pressure

Chapter 1:

Empowerment from the Inside Out

Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power of the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.

—Yehuda Berg

No. It’s such a simple word, and yet such a powerful one. It’s a word that many people say easily, without much effort: No, thank you; No, I don’t want to do that; No, I don’t like that. But for many women, no is a very difficult word. A word they seldom speak. A word some don’t even know how to say. A word they are afraid to say.

No is perhaps the most important word in our language—especially for women. No, after all, is the word we most often use to protect ourselves—to stand up for ourselves. In order for women to be able to stand up for what is important—their safety and their integrity, for example—they have to be able to say no: no, to a sexual request or demand that is unwelcome; no to a behavior that is inappropriate or abusive; no to a situation or system that is not working or is not fair. Yet for many women, this is hugely challenging.

Many women have a hard time saying no because they fear they will be rejected, abandoned, or punished if they do so:

I have such a difficult time saying no to a guy I really like if he wants sex right away. I’m afraid that if I say no he won’t think I like him and he won’t ask me out again.

—Jessica, age 18

My boyfriend is always pushing to get me to try new things sexually. I’ve gone along with some things, but I don’t like most of them. He even wants me to do some things that actually repulse me, but I try them anyway. I want him to be happy and he tells me that if I don’t do these things, he’ll find someone else who will.

—Selena, age 23

My manager always finds a way to touch me whenever we’re alone. He sits next to me and puts his hand on my knee or leans in too close. When he walks past me his hand will ‘accidentally’ brush by my butt. And he always looks at me like he’s undressing me. I hate what he does but I’m too afraid to say anything. I need my job and I’m afraid he’ll fire me if I don’t just keep my mouth shut and go along with him.

—Melanie, age 32

Other women are unable to say no because they have already been traumatized by sexual abuse as a child or sexual assault in adulthood:

I was sexually abused as a kid and it affected me in many negative ways. One of those ways is that I sometimes freeze when a guy approaches me or when a guy makes a move on me. I just stand there like my feet are in cement. If he starts touching me, instead of telling him to lay off, I end up just letting him. I want to learn how to stop reacting this way, because every time I let a guy touch me when I really don’t want him to, I feel re-traumatized.

—Mandy, age 24

And still others can’t say no because they were raised to be nice girls— i.e., to go along with whatever men tell them to do:

My parents were very religious. They raised me to view the man as the head of the household and to do whatever he says. I don’t like some of the things my husband does to me sexually but I just can’t bring myself to tell him to stop. I no longer believe he has the right to use my body any way he chooses, but the old thinking just stops me in my tracks from ever resisting him.

—Marlena, age 36

I’m ashamed to say that I can’t leave my husband even though he physically abuses me when he gets drunk. He comes home from the bar and either starts a fight or immediately starts manhandling me. Either way he ends up raping me and doing things to me that I detest. I don’t know why I stay except that when he isn’t drinking, he’s a really good man and I love him.

—Elizabeth, age 45

As different as these women are in terms of their ages and circumstances, they all have something in common: They all lack the ability to stand up for themselves, to say No! to unwanted sexual advances, or to report sexual harassment or assault. Even confident women often find that when it comes to knowing how to say no in the sexual arena, they feel inadequate. And those women who have already been sexually assaulted as adults or experienced sexual abuse as children or adolescents find that when it comes to sexual assertiveness, they simply can’t find their voice.

You may be one of these women. It may be that with all the talk about sexual harassment these days—with all the talk about the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements in the news—you have realized that you are not comfortable saying no to men who approach you sexually. You may sit quietly while other women talk about how they have been sexually harassed or sexually assaulted, all the while feeling bad about yourself because you can’t speak up about what happened to you—or, even worse, what is still happening. Or perhaps all the talk about men’s sexual misconduct is triggering for you because you were sexually abused as a child and you have never told anyone about it. It may be terribly upsetting to you to hear about former victims who were harassed or abused for years because it reminds you of how long you have been keeping your silence.

If you find that saying no to sexual pressure is difficult for you; if you are assertive in other areas of your life but find that you lose your voice when you are around men; if you find that you continue to put the desires and needs of men ahead of your own, this book will help you. It will help you become more comfortable saying No! to unwanted sexual advances from strangers, dates, and even partners, and it will help you to say it loud and clear—to say it proudly, without hesitation or embarrassment—so there is never any confusion about your message.

Every woman has a No! buried inside of her, no matter how deep. By the time you finish this book, you will have found that No! buried under your fear and shame, you will understand that you have an absolute right to say it at any time, without apologizing for it. You will also learn how to say No! metaphorically; no to women being treated like objects, no to: young girls being taken advantage of and used by selfish men who put their own desires first, no to men viewing their female partners as their property and feeling they have the right to treat them any way they wish, and no to men sticking up for each other and not standing behind women who report abusive men.

I’m Saying No! is a declaration. It is about gaining the courage to speak out, to get angry, to say no more! It is about joining with other courageous women to put a stop to women and girls being mistreated, abused, and assaulted by men. And it is about saying No! to remaining quiet, to not speaking out against the mistreatment of women, to remaining silent and letting the sexual misconduct of men go unreported.

I feel like such a coward. Ever since the #MeToo movement began all these women are comingforward to tell their stories, but I still can’t tell mine. I’m still afraid of my abuser. He doesn’t even know where I am but he told me he would kill me if I ever told and I believed him. Somehow I still believe him. I wish I had the kind of courage that these other women have.

—Amelia, age 35

I was raped in my dorm room at college. When he started coming on to me I resisted him, but he just kept holding me down so I couldn’t get up. I was too ashamed to call out to someone for help. I thought if I kept resisting he’d stop, but he didn’t. When it was all over I was just happy to be alive. I didn’t tell anyone because I was too ashamed. I did text him to tell him he raped me but he texted me back and told me it was consensual, that he would never rape a girl because he didn’t have to. I knew no one would believe me so I just kept quiet and didn’t report it. Now I feel really guilty because I’m sure he’s raping other girls and getting away with it.

—Lila, age 19

I’m afraid to get angry about the things that have happened to me. I’ve even gone to a therapist, but I could never express my anger. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that if I start to get angry I will go insane or I’ll become like all the monsters who have hurt me.

—Angela, age 30

Sadly, at a time when women are finally being heard and believed; when women are standing together and making their voices known; when women are feeling a collective empowerment as one victim after another comes forward to report the sexual violations she has been subjected to; there are still women who are currently being sexually abused in their intimate relationships and yet are unable to say No!—unable to report the abuse or even to walk away. There are still college students who are being raped and are afraid to report it. There are still women who are being subjected to sexual harassment, sexual bullying, and sexual pressure every day but are unable to speak truth to power.

There are also women who are so triggered by all the talk about sexual assault and harassment that they have retreated inside themselves, not wanting to be seen or heard. Women whose personal histories of child sexual abuse or sexual assault as an adult have wounded them so much that they have lost their voice. If you’re one of the many women who have been silenced by past trauma, were raised to believe they didn’t have a right to say no, or have spoken out in the past and not been heard—I wrote this book for you.

Questionnaire: Do You Need This Book?

If you still aren’t certain whether this book is for you, the following questionnaire will help you decide:

Are you afraid to go to parties or to go out with your friends to clubs or bars because you are afraid someone might slip you a date rape drug or that you might end up drinking too much and having some guy (or guys) take advantage of you?

Have you heard horror stories of girls getting gang raped at parties and are afraid it might happen to you?

Are you petrified every time you have to walk from your car to your apartment or house at night?

Are you frequently harassed as you walk down the street by men making lewd comments, assessing your body, or trying to pick you up?

Have you ever been sexually harassed in a job or at school?

Do you think the only way to keep a man is to go along with whatever he wants?

Are you unable to say no to a guy when he comes on to you because you don’t want to be seen as a bitch or accused of being cold?

Do you tend to freeze whenever a guy makes a move on you, even when you don’t like the guy or he is being inappropriate?

Do you let guys fondle you or have sex with you so you can be popular or fit in with the group?

Have you ever gone along with whatever a guy wanted you to do sexually, even if it repulsed you, because you were afraid he would stop seeing you if you didn’t?

Have you been sexually assaulted as an adult?

Were you sexually abused as a child?

Do you blame yourself for having been sexually assaulted as an adult or sexually abused as a child?

Were you triggered by the way Trump talked about women or by his behavior toward them as shown on the Access Hollywood tapes?

Have you been triggered by all the talk about sexual harassment and assault surrounding the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements?

Do you put yourself in dangerous situations by drinking too much in public places or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by men?

Does your partner frequently put pressure on you for sex or for sexual activities that you don’t want to engage in, and do you have a difficult time saying no to him?

Has a partner ever forced himself on you sexually but you continued seeing him anyway?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, this book is definitely for you. I’m Saying No! will help you in the following ways:

If you are afraid of being sexually assaulted to the point where it has hindered your social life, this book will help you develop a mindset that will embolden you while still keeping you safe.

If you are frequently intimidated by street harassment, this book will teach you how to respond in ways that will discourage this kind of treatment.

If you are currently being sexually harassed at work or at school, this book will teach you how to respond in assertive ways and help you decide whether to report these incidents and how to report them.

If you tend to allow men to touch you or to go further than you are comfortable with, this book will help embolden you to stand up against unwanted taunts, approaches, and advances.

If you have been reckless with yourself, this book will help you to recognize dangerous situations and avoid them. More important, it will help you to understand why you have tended to be reckless and help you develop the willingness to take care of and protect yourself.

If you blame yourself for previous experiences with sexual abuse or sexual assault, this book will help you understand that these violations are never the victim’s fault and help you heal your shame surrounding the trauma.

If you believe you deserve to be mistreated by men, this book will help you get to the roots of this belief and instead begin believing that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

If you allow men to do whatever they want to you sexually, this book will help you begin to honor your feelings and your body.

Empowerment as the Key to Prevention

A major thesis of this book is that empowerment is the key to prevention. But empowering women to stand up, find their voices, and fight back against sexual assault and harassment is easier said than done. Before that can happen, women need to do the following:

Women need to learn that we have the right to say No!

Women need to remember, and in some cases discover, that we have the right to stand up, speak out, and fight back against inappropriate comments, touches, and sexual approaches. We need to come to believe that our words can be powerful and that saying no can be an effective way of deterring men from speaking to and treating us in offensive, aggressive, and harmful ways.

Every girl and every woman has the right to stand up against sexual assault and sexual harassment. Unfortunately, many women don’t know they have this right. Some need to be told that they can say No! when they don’t want to go any further, when they don’t want to engage in a particular sexual activity, or when they aren’t in the mood for sex, even if they’ve engaged in sex with that man in the past. Some women also need to be told, or reminded, that they have the right to say No! when a man is trying to talk them into engaging in a sexual activity that feels demeaning (including anal sex, sex without a condom, and sex that involves bondage and discipline) or that turns them off sexually, (including being talked to by their partner in degrading ways or other ways that feel unacceptable to them).

Women need to be taught how to say No!

Some women know it is their right to say No! but find they are unable to do so even when they try. This is especially true for women who have already been traumatized by child sexual abuse or by sexual assault as an adult. As one client shared with me, Time after time I just freeze when a guy makes a sexual advance, hoping it will stop him or he will walk away. This freezing reaction is a common reaction of those who were sexually abused in childhood.

Women need to be educated about the price they pay

when they don’t say No!

Some women know they have the right to say No! but are reluctant to do so—often because they are afraid they won’t be able to keep a man unless they do what he wants. Too many young women today have such low self-esteem that they believe a young man will only want to be with them if they go along with whatever he wants sexually. Competition among young women for men is so intense that it is common for young women to agree to or even instigate sexual acts that are repugnant to them, not realizing the damage this does to their self-esteem. And peer pressure can even play a part in a young girl’s response to unwanted sexual advances, as evidenced by one young client I worked with, who told me, What do you do when a guy starts touching you and you don’t like it? I get paranoid about saying no because I don’t want to come off as ‘bitchy.’ And besides, if I don’t go along with what he wants, some other girl will.

Women need to recognize that speaking up and standing up is not only their right but their obligation—to themselves and to other women. When girls and women allow men to treat them with disrespect and even disdain, it becomes a major wound to their self-esteem and self-concept. The more a girl or woman puts up with, the more distorted her image of herself becomes. Little by little, acts of disrespect, objectification, and shaming whittle away at her self-esteem until she has little regard for herself and her feelings. There is a huge price to pay for going along with sexual exploitation. When a woman gives away her body, she also gives away her integrity.

Learning to say no can empower you and help prevent sexual victimization.

Research shows that being able to say no in a way that communicates to the other person that you mean it can be a powerful weapon against sexual assault and misconduct of all kinds. A study called, Reducing Sexual Victimization among Adolescent Girls found, for example, that women who firmly resist unwanted sexual advances stand a greater chance of escaping a sexually coercive situation. Saying no in a strong, assertive way can also provide you with the needed strength and motivation to continue resisting. (There are some situations where a woman needs to not resist in order to save her life; I will address this later).

Knowing how to say no not only eliminates so-called misunderstandings and empowers women to push away those intruders who just won’t go away, it also helps women with their shame. If a woman is clear that she said a firm No! she isn’t as likely to blame herself if a man continues to push her for sex to the point where he sexually assaults her, after all, she told him No! and there was no confusion about that. While she will still have to deal with the shame of being sexually violated, of feeling defiled and made to feel powerless, she won’t have the added burden of wondering whether she led him on in any way. And it’s this type of self-blame that is one of the most damaging aspects of having been sexually violated.

Every Woman Needs This Book

Whether you are young or old, highly successful or just getting started, married or single, assertive or passive, sexually experienced or new to the dating scene, you need this book. No matter what your ethnicity, you need this book (although some ethnic groups need it more than others). For example:

While 80 percent of rapes are reported by white women, women of color are more likely to be assaulted than white women. (www.endrapeoncampus.org)

Native American women are 2.5 to 3.5 times more likely to experience sexual assault compared to all other races. (Women of Color Network)

The National Violence against Women Survey found that 34.1% of Native American women report rape in their lifetime.

And according to a 2014 study, about 22% of black women reported being raped and 41% experienced other forms of sexual violence. (www.endrapeoncampus.org)

While white women find it difficult to report rape, women of color find it even more difficult. For example, for every one black woman that reports her rape, at least fifteen others do not. Asian/Pacific Islander women tend to report lower rates of rape and other forms of sexual violence than do people of color from other racial backgrounds.

Women of color also have a higher rate of marital rape and are less likely to report it. For example:

Married Latinas are less likely than other women to immediately define their experience of forced sex as rape and terminate their relationships; some view sex as a marital obligation.

An estimated 29.1 percent of African American females are victimized by intimate partner violence in their lifetime (rape, physical assault or stalking). (Women of Color Network)

Women need to feel empowered to stand up for themselves and to strengthen their resolve to keep themselves safe from sexual assault. They need to learn effective strategies for handling sexual harassment at work, school, and on the street. They need to learn better ways of handling sexual pressure and coercion. In essence, they need to take the next step in their evolution of becoming the most powerful woman possible—a woman who can and will protect her body and her integrity against sexual attacks of any form.

While this book is written for every woman, it specifically applies to the following groups:

Young women ages 16-30. High school girls, young career women, and girls going off to college are the women who are most vulnerable to being sexually assaulted and harassed and the ones who are most often in search of help. I’m Saying No is designed to prepare these women for the hazards they will likely face especially when it comes to protecting themselves at parties, on dates, on the streets, and in the workplace.

College students. This population of women is particularly at risk for being sexually assaulted. According to RAINN, women aged 18-24 who are college students are three times more likely than women in general to experience sexual violence. It’s estimated that in the fall of 2016, a total of 20.5 million students attended American colleges and universities, females making up the majority of students—about 11.7 million students. Most parents don’t sit their teenage or twenty-something daughters down and explain the possible risks they’ll face at college or the best ways to protect themselves from sexual assault or sexual harassment. Most don’t explain their rights, how and whom to report an incident to, and how and whom to seek counseling from if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. This book is the primer every young women needs but is not likely to get anywhere else. Every young woman should have a copy of this book before entering college or starting a job. In particular, every student going away to college needs this book. So much can happen that first year, when young adults are first introduced to a world away from the (hopefully) watchful eyes of their parents; in fact, studies show that college freshman and sophomore women are at greater risk for becoming victims of sexual assault than are upperclassman, and 84 percent of women who have reported sexually coercive experiences have said that it occurred during their first four semesters on campus.

All the girls and women who are having difficulty managing the sexual pressure they continually experience. Young women today are constantly pressured and coerced at school, at parties, and whenever friends gather. This category also includes women who are continually pressured by their intimate partners for sex or to engage in sexual activities they find repugnant.

Those women who have already been sexually assaulted or sexually abused in childhood (one in three women). The information and advice contained in this book will help victims heal their shame, become clear that it was not their fault, and arm themselves with knowledge that will empower them and help prevent them from being abused again (the average woman who was sexually abused as a child is more vulnerable to being sexually assaulted later on in life, as are women who are sexually assaulted in adulthood).

Those women who are upset about sexual harassment, on the job and in school settings. Shockingly, research reveals that 70 percent of women experience sexual harassment on the job. Those women who are currently being sexually harassed at work will be especially interested in this book, as will women who are just entering the job market. Women have reported being shocked at hearing the complaints against the powerful men like Roger Ailes, Harvey Weinstein, and Charlie Rose and said that hearing about them was a wakeup call. One client shared with me, "I was feeling really confident that I would be able to know how to deal with unwanted advances from a man, even someone in power, but now I’m not so sure.