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    True Tales From The Bedpan
    True Tales From The Bedpan
    True Tales From The Bedpan
    Ebook116 pages1 hour

    True Tales From The Bedpan

    By Mark Downey

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    About this ebook

    This book is the first volume of short stories based on a collection of some successful blog posts I have written over the years. Many of them have been expanded from the original as I remember new facts. Use this book however you choose. Either start at the front and read to the end or click on a highlighted heading that may interest you from the table of contents.

    Many of the stories are are downright funny. Some are irreverent and should be read with your tongue firmly implanted in your cheek. A few are poignant and are designed to have you thinking about your concept of nursing. There's a sprinkling from my time as a nursing teacher and contain subjective opinions on my ideas of what education and the nursing profession should be all about. You might have a completely different view, and that's fine.

    Some have a philosophical bent to them. Each story has been written from a personal perspective and everything you read actually happened.  Nothing has been made up, although occasionally one or two facts may have been slightly embellished to help the stories jump out of the page. Indeed, life can be stranger than fiction.

    I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed reflecting on and writing them down for posterity. Even though some of the incidents I refer to weren't that much fun at the time, looking back in hindsight, I can see that they have contributed to my development as both a person and my nursing persona.

    If you'd like to comment on anything you read here or would like to ask me a question about anything in this or the other books I have published, please send an email to my email address. It cab be found online by googling markdowneybooks.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMark Downey
    Release dateJul 20, 2019
    ISBN9781393211365
    True Tales From The Bedpan
    Author

    Mark Downey

    Mark Downey was born, raised and has always lived in Brisbane, the capital city of Queensland, Australia. He is a budding Indie Author and currently pays the bills working as a Nurse Educator. He lives with his wife (an amazing editor) and children who come and go and two dogs, Jack and Missy the wonder dog as well as three gran dogs - Loki, Winston and Storm who visit from time to time. Amongst other things he is a fiction author and novelist, writing primarily in the suspense and thrillers genre with the ultimate goal to leave as few spelling and grammatical errors as possible (which unfortunately to his editors horror rarely happens). His writing is raw, compelling and pulls no punches and is a mixture of mystery and action with a sprinkling of dark humour thrown in for good measure. Written in a style designed to get your heart racing, with compelling plots, you will be kept guessing until the very last page. Don't be frightened by the headshot. In real life, he's nowhere near as scary to look at. He also authors a blog, www.fullhalfglass.com with the by-line - achieving a life balance, half a glass at a time. It's an eclectic mix of social commentary, educational and philosophical posts about nursing, stories from his childhood, reviews and interviews. Written with a lighter touch than his novels, the posts are entertaining, thought-provoking and often hilarious. Coming Soon ... Luc Bruget Detective Series From Ireland to Rome - available now as a free download on BookFunnel The Trilogy Knick Knack Paddy Whack Give A Dog A Bone Rolling Home Non Fiction True Tales From The Bed Pan

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      Book preview

      True Tales From The Bedpan - Mark Downey

      True Tales From The Bedpan

      Mark Downey

      Published by Mark Downey, 2019.

      Also by Mark Downey

      Luc Bruget

      Knick Knack Paddy Whack

      Standalone

      True Tales From The Bedpan

      True Tales From The Bed Pan – Vol 1

      A Collection of Funny and Poignant Nursing Stories

      From Someone Who’s Been There

      By

      Mark Downey

      Copyright © 2018 by Mark Downey / markdowneybooks

      All rights reserved. 

      No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review. 

      This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. 

      DEDICATION

      This book has been written for every nurse I’ve ever worked with on the floor or who I worked alongside in the educational field, and for the many patients who have taught me so much.  It’s for the times and stories, we’ve shared together and for the laughter and the tears.  To the students and families, I have encountered, for the frustration and the glorious moments experienced, and for putting up with me and my strange ways.

      But, most importantly, this book is dedicated to my family …... for everything.

      You know what you do.

      M.

      G’Day

      Over the last seven years, I have periodically shared stories of my nursing career via my website www.fullhalfglass.com, which has now become the home of markdowneybooks. The theme upon which this website was initially based was to show how to achieve a life balance, one full half glass at a time. Essentially it means that whatever talents you have been given, even if they are only half as good as someone else’s then you must use those gifts to the very best of your ability. No one can ever ask more of themselves than that.

      This book is the first volume of stories based on a collection of some successful blog posts I have written over the years. Many of them have been expanded from the original as I remember new facts. Use this book however you choose. Either start at the front and read to the end or click on a highlighted heading that may interest you from the table of contents.

      Many of the stories are amusing, some are irreverent, and a few are poignant. There’s a sprinkling from my time as a nursing teacher and contain subjective opinions on my ideas of what education and the nursing profession should be all about. You might have a completely different view, and that’s fine.

      Some have a philosophical bent to them. Each story has been written from a personal perspective and everything you read actually happened.  Nothing has been made up, although occasionally one or two facts may have been slightly embellished to help the stories jump out of the page. Indeed, life can be stranger than fiction.

      I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I’ve enjoyed reflecting on and writing them down for posterity. Even though some of the incidents I refer to weren’t that much fun at the time, looking back in hindsight, I can see that they have contributed to my development as both a person and my nursing persona.

      If you’d like to comment on anything you read here or would like to ask me a question about anything in this or the other books I have published, please send an email to markdowneybooks@fullhalfglass.com I promise I reply to all correspondence received.

      Other books I have written can be found by googling markdowneybooks.

      Contents

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      48

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      74

      77

      81

      I: Excuse me; can you pick up my Vagina?

      There are some things in life you never forget. People, events and places can all evoke strong memories. A glancing brush of fingers across a cheek or a long forgotten smell can suddenly bring back events buried long ago. Many would argue that for sanity, some of these should remain so.

      Let me ask you a question. When was the last time you heard the sentence, ‘Excuse me, can you pick-up my vagina?’ They are words that are rarely heard in polite conversation; however, it is a sentence that is forever seared into my mind. Having just typed them, it has triggered for me a horrific memory. It is a tale, enjoyed by others who have heard it but sweat inducing for me. For your enjoyment, I will re-tell it here. Without a word of a lie, what is recounted below is an entirely accurate story, without any embellishment and it happened to me.

      At the time I was working as a registered nurse in a small twenty-bed rehabilitation ward. My philosophy of care ran along the lines of to do as little as possible so that my patients might maximise their potential by participating as thoroughly as they could in their own recovery. Sounds excellent and noble, doesn’t it? Well, that’s what I told myself, and anyone prepared to listen. In reality, I was just looking for the easiest way to get through the day with the least amount of patient contact and most people were fooled by my earnestness to do nothing.

      One of the best ways I found to get out of doing any real work was whenever possible, to allow the patient to do whatever they could do for themselves. It was a delicate balancing act in creating a safe environment for the patient to explore just how far they could go before hurting themselves. If they fell over and bleeding was the result, it would be fair to say that I’d probably allowed too much independence. There were no hard and fast set rules to follow. Every nurse uses their own judgement based on experience, and that vague 6th sense that warns of possible danger followed up by a managerial please explain missive, and nobody has the time for that.

      And so it was on one beautiful sunny morning, I found myself escorting Mary, a sprightly, grey-haired, and as crazy as a cut snake, 90-something-year-old lady to the toilet. Mary had been leaning on her call bell for a good while fully expecting that her call would be answered by the first available nurse and that she would be escorted to the toilet. Looking around at my newspaper reading comrades, nobody was moving, and as it was my turn to leave the sanctuary of the nurse’s station, I ventured forth into the patient abyss that waited.

      Approaching the end of her rehabilitation phase following surgery to repair a fractured hip, Mary was due to return to her home in the next day or two. Up until this point, her recovery had gone remarkably well. It was always sad to see someone like Mary return home as she rarely complained and required virtually no effort at all to help look after. Apart from her annoying voice and the strange, indefinable smell she omitted, Mary was just about the perfect patient. If only there were more like her.

      As we entered the toilet cubicle, I heard the noise that all nurses dread; it was the percussive sound of something hitting the floor. Fear gripped me, and my heart skipped a beat as I immediately thought of the worst possible scenario. MAN DOWN or more accurately, in this case, WOMAN DOWN. Apart from the potential injury to Mary, which by itself would be an unfortunate side effect, there was all the paperwork that would need to be done and a thorough investigation conducted, designed solely so that no blame could be attributed to anyone. Reluctantly I sheepishly looked down at the floor,

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