Extraordinary Parenting: the essential guide to parenting and educating at home

extraordinary parenting

Eloise Rickman is a parent educator who works with clients around the world through online courses and coaching, and through her Instagram account @mightymother_. Her work focuses on evidence-based parenting, home education, and helping families find more rhythm and ease in their daily lives. She is a trained doula, and previously studied social anthropology at Cambridge University, where she first became interested in how childhood and family practices shape society. She lives in south London with her husband, Sam, and young daughter, Frida, who has been home educated from birth.

Scribe Publications

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Published by Scribe in 2020

Copyright © Eloise Rickman 2020

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9781913348540 (UK edition)

9781922310460 (Australian edition)

9781950354504 (US edition)

9781925938647 (ebook)

Catalogue records for this book are available from the National Library of Australia and the British Library.

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For Frida.

My bones will always love your bones.

Contents

Preface

Introduction

The five pillars of parenting and educating at home

Educating at home

My parenting philosophy: a beautiful childhood

Chapter One: Calm in the storm

Nurturing growing brains

Building resilience

Understanding behaviour as a form of communication

When you disagree on parenting styles

Unconditional Positive Regard

Moving away from control-based parenting

Keeping calm in a crisis

Talking to children about uncertainty

Supporting children through change

Using play to support emotional development

Challenging behaviour and playful parenting

Turning frowns upside down

Play helps children process

Playdough emotions

Positive communication

Nonviolent Communication

When words are not enough

Supporting your child through strong feelings and navigating tantrums

Sportscasting

How to keep yourself calm during tricky times

What to do when you’ve lost your cool

Connecting through nonverbal communication

The inner work of parenting

Identifying your parenting triggers

Developing self-awareness

Chapter Two: Rhythm in the home

Rhythm, not routine

Identifying your family’s needs and values

Identifying your parenting values

Identifying your family’s needs

Daily rhythms

Breathing in, breathing out

Example rhythm for daily life at home with young children

Anchors

Morning time and tea time

Working space for self-care into your daily rhythm

Weekly rhythms

Sites of Mutual Fulfilment

When your weeks are unpredictable

Rhythm for differently wired children

Rhythm when your child has two homes

Finding your rhythm when working from home

Balancing working and childcare

Breathing in, breathing out — again

Adapting to your new normal

What about weekends?

Weekends in times of change

Seasonal rhythms

Creating a visual rhythm

Suggestions for visual rhythms

Reclaiming your rhythm when life throws you a curve-ball

Chapter Three: Toys, play, and the prepared environment

The home as a ‘prepared environment’

Think cosy, not classroom

Making space for beauty

Tips on cleaning for people who hate to clean

Making smaller spaces work for you

Your home is for living, not a show home

Adapting your home to different life stages

Meeting your family’s needs through your home

Creating a ‘yes space’

How to cultivate a prepared environment if you move around a lot

Meeting your child’s need for independence

Meeting your child’s need to create

Meeting your child’s need for movement

Meeting your child’s need for rest

Meeting your child’s need for play

Toy rotation

Four steps to better concentration and deeper play

The power of simplicity

The benefits of simplifying

Toys which will stand the test of time

Some of my favourite toys

Cultivating your home to encourage independent play8

Chapter Four: Awakening your child’s natural curiosity

Natural born learners

Knowledge is king

Raising scientists

The impact of stress

Unplanned homeschooling

Navigating the space between school and home

Putting the ‘home’ in home education

Homeschooling ‘kit list’

Learning and play ideas for all ages and stages

Activity ideas for all ages

A note on nature

Activity ideas for toddlers and pre-schoolers

Activity ideas for school-age children

A few words on teenagers

Supporting teens stuck at home

Home education, not school at home

Socialising when you can’t go out

Homeschooling through crisis: a note for home educators

Supporting sibling dynamics

What to do when everyone needs you at the same time

Building your child’s motivation

The problem with praise

Growth mindset

The erosion of intrinsic motivation

How can I encourage my child without rewards?

Sharing in your child’s joy

Chapter Five: Self-care for ordinary and extraordinary times

Your needs deserve to be taken seriously

Modelling self-care to our children

Fit your own oxygen mask first

What exactly is self-care?

Know that you deserve care and pleasure

Some ideas for self-care

Nurture your mind

Take care of your mental health

Respect your body

Create a restful home environment

Protect your boundaries

Self-compassion

Bringing mindfulness to our lives as parents

Simple mindfulness exercises

Getting your needs met while parenting

Finding community

Creating space apart from your children

When your needs clash with your children’s needs

Sharing the load

The marriage meeting

Afterword: You are enough

References and further resources

Acknowledgements

Preface

As I write this, for the first time in history, schools and childcare settings in countries across the world have been closed to the majority of children, with no set date to reopen; everyone has been instructed to stay home due to the COVID-19 virus.

This is a worrying time for families, who find themselves juggling childcare and working from home, alongside reduced income and job losses, and the anxiety and health concerns that come with a global pandemic. Millions of parents have suddenly found themselves in the position of effectively having to home educate their children, without any of the resources or research that families who ordinarily homeschool would have access to. And even families who usually homeschool are finding themselves doing so without the groups, classes, museums, parks, and public libraries that form a part of their daily lives.

As a peaceful-parenting and home-education coach who has worked with parents all over the world, in recent weeks my inbox has been filled with messages from worried parents looking for support, advice, and ideas as they face unprecedented circumstances. Although the internet is full of well-meaning suggestions, the endless resources out there can feel overwhelming. So I asked myself what I wanted to help me get through this difficult time, and the answer was — as the answer always is when I ask myself what I want — a book.

And so — quickly, urgently — this book was born. Drawing on the many resources I’ve created over the years for use with my clients, it is a practical, evidence-based guide to calmly parenting and educating from home as you navigate uncertain times, and to building strong, flexible rhythms that will see your family through both the good days and the more challenging ones. Although I wrote this book with the COVID-19 crisis at the front of my mind — how could I not have done? — my hope is that it will guide you through parenting and educating more intentionally, bringing calm and connection to your home, whichever season of your life you find yourself in.

Introduction

We are living through extraordinary times.

When unexpected things happen, it is difficult and worrying, and it’s easy for us to feel powerless. But the good news is that we aren’t. We may not be able to cure global diseases or halt climate change in its tracks, but we do have one incredibly powerful tool at our disposal with which we can change the world: our parenting.

Parenting can be a truly radical act. The way in which we raise our children can have a profound positive (or negative) impact on our families, our communities, and our world.

When things are tough, focusing on how we parent can take a back seat as we try to keep everyone safe, fed, and relatively happy, while dealing with our own fears. But although times of crisis can challenge us, testing our resilience to its limits, they also offer a unique opportunity for us as parents to re-evaluate what is important to us and to deeply reconnect with our children.

That’s what this book is about: helping your family to thrive amid the uncertainty of modern life. Because, no matter what else is happening, one thing is for sure: your children need you right now.

The five pillars of parenting and educating at home

Even during moments of crisis, there are some simple steps that you can take to keep your family feeling calm and connected to one another, creating a raft of safety and stability to carry your children through the roughest of seas.

These five steps form the core of raising and educating children, and they are relevant no matter how old your children and no matter what is going on around you:

1 Prioritising family relationships; deepening your connection to your children through playful and empathic parenting.

2 Building strong, adaptable rhythms to provide your children with predictability and security, even when the world feels uncertain and strange.

3 Creating a calm, simplified home environment that will encourage deep play and independence, a haven in which you can shelter in tough times.

4 Exploring enjoyable ways of learning together as a family; finding ways to help your children thrive while exploring their own unique interests and abilities.

5 Taking care of your own needs as a parent, allowing you to be the parent your children need.

I want to be clear that this book is not a curriculum; it doesn’t contain a detailed set of exercises to work through with your child at home, or a step-by-step method for teaching them to read or write. Instead, it offers the building blocks to help you create a home atmosphere in which natural, joyful learning will flourish. Whether you choose to take a more informal, child-led approach to education, or you prefer to work from textbooks and worksheets, the foundation of rich, happy home-based learning is the same.

The first three chapters of Extraordinary Parenting will aid you in building this foundation. Chapter One will help you nurture a secure, joyful relationship with your child; Chapter Two will teach you how to craft a strong family rhythm; and Chapter Three will guide you through preparing your home environment to meet your child’s needs, foster independence, and encourage independent play. In Chapter Four, you’ll find practical tips and ideas for educating your child at home, whatever their age and whether you’ve always planned to homeschool or been plunged into it unexpectedly. Finally, Chapter Five will help you to make space for your own needs as a parent, because, when it comes to parenting and homeschooling, you are your child’s most precious resource. Dotted through the book are snippets from conversations I’ve had with parents and experts, as well as mentions of studies and books that I’ve found eye-opening and illuminating. You’ll find links to all of these, as well as a small selection of my favourite homeschooling books and websites, at the end of the book.

As well as a curriculum, the other thing you won’t find in this book are instructions to buy piles of new materials or toys, or pay for expensive courses or resources. You likely already have many of the most important things you need to set up a successful environment for educating your child at home: some great books, some kitchen ingredients, a few toys, and a loving parent. (In fact, you may find yourself getting rid of things, as you realise that, when it comes to physical stuff, less is so much more for children.) Likewise, you don’t need a big house or a garden to give your child an amazing childhood and education — all the suggestions in this book will work whatever the size of your home. Nor do you need to have hours of free time at your disposal every day. I juggle homeschooling my daughter with a busy work schedule, so I get it — your time is a precious commodity. Many of the ideas I suggest can be implemented in a short space of time, and even the bigger projects — such as crafting a family rhythm, or toy rotation — can be done in an evening, and will free up more time than they take you.

Educating at home

I know that both parenting and home educating can feel daunting; after all, our children only get one childhood, and we want to make it wonderful. But you are the best possible parent for your child — and the best equipped person to help them learn. No matter how fantastic teachers are, they will never know or love your child as much as you do. You and your child are a team.

If your children are out of school unexpectedly, whether due to illness, family issues, or an unexpected crisis, it is understandable that you might be worrying about what they are missing out on. A mother I know whose three school-age children are home due to COVID-19 confessed that she felt enormous anxiety about her ability to educate her children: ‘I keep looking at the pile of worksheets they are meant to be doing and worrying that I can’t possibly keep up. I feel devastated about what they are missing out on; they cry about missing their friends, and I feel like they’re just bored.’ If you are not homeschooling through choice, but by necessity, you may relate to these feelings — especially if you’ve never contemplated home-based education before.

But unplanned home education isn’t always unwelcome. I’ve spoken to many parents who have told me that they’ve been grateful for the opportunity to have more time with their children, to give them an extra slice of childhood, free from homework and uniform, and to road-test what home education might look like for their families long-term.

In this book, you’ll learn how to ignite your child’s wonder and curiosity, and tap into their inner motivation to learn. You’ll discover how to go beyond drilling your child on the ‘three Rs’ as you start to see how the lessons you give them don’t need to be defined by a formal curriculum, but instead can be inspired by the everyday events and discoveries that form the fabric of your life together: a leaf found in the street leading to learning about the seasons, a TV show prompting a project on sharks.

I know from my conversations with parents that many families are walking the tightrope between school and home-based education, with resources sent from teachers to complete at home, or future exams to prepare for. So, as well as exploring informal learning, we will also look at how you can approach formal learning resources, finding ways to make them really work for you and your child, and bringing them to life (without needing to learn advanced algebra or dust off your rusty German skills), rather than trying to replicate a traditional classroom experience at home.

As home educating families have long known, outside of the constraints of traditional schooling anything is possible. Educating at home can reduce the stress on your child, encourage their natural thirst for learning, and bring new interests to the fore. It can foster deep learning for the whole family as you are transported to the far reaches of the solar system, to ancient Egypt, or to the courts of Henry VIII. Far from being an inferior replacement for school, your home is already the best possible place for learning to happen.

My parenting philosophy: a beautiful childhood

In this book, I share ideas based on my experience both as a parent educator and as a busy home-educating parent. I hope that these ideas will change your life for the better in the same way that they’ve already changed mine.

They really have shaped my life, and not just since becoming a parent: I was home educated myself, for a short while. Those formative years — spent at the beach and the library, reading books and playing games, and spending long holidays with my grandparents — had an overwhelmingly positive impact on my childhood and identity well into adulthood. My mother was influenced by the Montessori approach, making me sandpaper letters and DIY materials, but my early years were mostly filled with play-based, child-led, natural education. My earliest memories are of dancing to my parents’ music in the tiny flat we lived in, my father telling me stories which would have me crying with laughter, and my mother taking me to a local park every day, where I would visit the goldfish pond and lie in the long grass. My parents had little money, but my childhood was rich beyond belief. There was no distinction between learning and life; I learned because I was curious, and full of wonder, and alive. Learning was as natural to me as breathing.

I entered the UK’s state-funded school system when I was six and a half, two years after my classmates, and stayed there until I went to Cambridge University to study social anthropology. It was at Cambridge that I first became interested in how childhood and family practices shape the societies we live in, and how, in turn, our culture shapes our view of children and childhood, and the way we raise and educate young people. Why do some cultures allow children to use knives from a young age when others put warning signs around playgrounds? Why do some parents share beds and meals and conversations with their children, while others opt for early nights and