I WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I SEE (John 9: 25): My Story

Debbie Davies Aartgal@gmail.com www.Etsy.com/shop/ChristianDimensions www.Etsy.com/shop/PortraitsPlus1

This is a more complete version of the story behind these paintings. If you would like a copy of the story it will be available free with any purchase. I will also make available the story by itself or with small 8x10 copies of the five paintings upon request.

This is the incredible story of how God found me, and how He connected my testimony to the artwork He gave me to paint.

Blindness:
Deception is very crippling. I was sure that I had the truth. I had based my whole life, since the age of 14, on that mindset. That was my thinking as an LDS Mormon and with it came a closed mind to receive any thing that didn't support that ideology. The truth can be right in front of you, yet you can't see it because in your mind you think you already have the truth.

In the bible there is a part that says, "See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it?" Because I was unbelieving to investigate or search deeper into the teachings of the LDS Mormon church, deception would run my life for over 26 years.

Unbelief is one of the things that frustrated Jesus more than any other thing. He would prefer our mindset to be either hot or cold, but to be lukewarm and receive only a part of His blessings wasn't what

He died to accomplish. He can take a cold mindset and change it, or He can take a hot mindset and keep the fire burning for Him. That middle ground where a person thinks they are correct but aren't, create a stubbornness that God cannot override. He respects our free agency, but He also knows the heart. On the other hand, He always spoke very highly of people of faith. People of the bible that had faith were always held in high regard by the Lord and He loved to recognize them publicly. From Abraham to the poor widow who gave her last mite as an offering are just a few examples. The Pharisees in the bible were very difficult for Jesus to reason with or perform miracles to, because of their unbelief. Belief in Jesus opens the door to every blessing of God, the first being salvation.

I was like a Pharisee, because before God could teach me anything, He had to break that stubbornness in my mind. How could Jesus let me know that I really didn't know Him, when I already thought I knew Him? He had to show me in a way that surpassed my way of thinking and showed me my faulty mindset. To be shown that my thinking was wrong in every area of my life was one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through. It took a lot to get me to the point of receiving correction from God. I believe there are many in that same predicament. How He breaks that is an individual thing. My story isn't great because I did anything so special. What makes it great is that God showed up in a unique way according to my individual characteristics and abilities, and used even my own weaknesses to bring me to Him. I believe this will give a hope to other individuals that Jesus knows them uniquely. He will give them a testimony and hope in Him that is just for them. He meets us right where we are.

"There is a way which seems right unto a man, but the end thereof is the way of death", Proverbs- 14: 12. I was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons), for more than 26 years before I became a Biblical Christian. The LDS church I was in was not a polygamist branch like so many believe. The church started out with polygamy in the beginning when Joseph Smith started it but that was done away with, except for the groups that want to justify that behavior today.

In my teens, at the age of 14, I joined the LDS Mormon Church. That is when the deception began. I started to go to church with friends and socialize. I didn't know the Bible, but had a sincere heart. Many people are in that same situation. I began having the Missionary discussions. The missionaries asked me to pray about the Book of Mormon to see if it was true. I agreed to read and ask God if it was true. They told me that If it was true the Holy Spirit would burn in my heart and tell me. They told me that I would feel a warmth and a burning inside my chest and that that is the Holy Spirit confirming the truth to me. If I had known the bible better I would have known that we are told not to follow our feelings to find the truth. The bible also says that we are never to trust our hearts because they are wickedly evil and can lead us astray.

What I should have done in that situation and what I would recommend to anyone searching for the truth is to go to the book of truth, The Bible. Compare everything to the Bible. Deception entered in when I trusted a feeling in my heart to establish the truth and beliefs for my life. We are not to establish the truth by a warm feeling in our bosom. The enemy appears as an angel of light, and he can give you a feeling that leads you astray every time he wants if you trust a feeling. This is the basis for all false religions.

1. 1st painting of Jesus: "The One" - Copyright2000. Previously known as, "Dear to the heart of the Shepherd".

Luke 15: 4 says, "What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?"
God was visibly drawing me to Him starting the year I received the inspiration to do this drawing, although I didn't realize it. I got this inspiration to draw this picture as I was sitting in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon) Church meeting. We were singing this song, "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd", # 221. In my mind, I saw Jesus walking across the desert to pick me up. I didn't see myself as a grown woman, but as a small child. He showed me He was coming to get me in the desert. I wondered why. I figured that He was rescuing that wounded small child inside of me that was so dysfunctional. He would do that and so much more.

I didn't know what that picture would mean to me really, or the changes my life would take on because of it. God is always searching for His sheep. This drawing is of a young girl lost in the desert with Jesus searching to find her. In this picture it is daytime and you see His footsteps. This drawing took about 75 hours to complete, although it was a year in the making to get people to model and bring the idea to paper. I didn't know at the time that Jesus would do an amazing thing for me, just as I had painted. Jesus has since brought me out of the LDS Mormon Church, shown me who He really is, filled me with the Holy Spirit, and is constantly rooting out all of the deceptions and misinterpretations I had about the Godhead and the Bible. As you look at this picture may you realize that Jesus would go to any lengths to find you, love you and have that one on one relationship with you just as He did for me?

This is the song that inspired the drawing, and also the beginning of my testimony:
Song # 221, Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd:
Dear to the heart of the Shepherd, dear are the sheep of His fold. Dear is the love that He gives them, dearer than silver or gold. Dear to the heart of the Shepherd, dear are His "other" lost sheep; Over the mountains He follows, over the waters so deep. Dear to the heart of the Shepherd, dear are the lambs of His fold: Some from the pastures are straying, hungry and helpless and cold.

See the Good Shepherd is seeking, seeking the lambs that are lost, Bringing them in with rejoicing, saved at such infinite cost.

Chorus:
Out in the desert they wander, hungry and helpless and cold; Off to the rescue He hastens, bringing them back to the fold. Dear to the heart of the Shepherd, dear are the "ninety and nine", Dear are the sheep that have wandered, out in the desert to pine. Hark! He is earnestly calling, tenderly pleading today; "Will YOU not seek for my lost ones, off from my shelter astray?" Green are the pastures inviting: sweet are the waters and still. Lord, we will answer thee gladly, "Yes, blessed Master, WE WILL" Make us thy true under shepherds; give us a love that is deep. Send us out into the desert, seeking thy wandering sheep.

Chorus:
Out in the desert they wander, hungry and helpless and cold; Off to the rescue WE'LL hasten, bringing them back to the fold.

"What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?" Luke 15: 4
40 Years of Bondage: Israel in the desert: This first painting of Jesus walking in the desert during the daytime rescuing a young girl was the beginning of the end of bondage in Egypt as far as my life was concerned. I was 40 years old when everything started rolling. I didn't know it and I certainly didn't understand it until years later. God still found me even though I was angry at the events that took me out. It would shake up everything I had known and loved: family, long time church friends, home, security, and job. God would restore some of those things, but in His timing and His way. The process of getting me out would also change how I

thought of people, things, places, and most importantly God and myself. I learned how religious and judgmental I could be. I saw that I had been living by the letter of the law. I saw through this process that I had a side I couldn't fix and that I didn't like. My works and effort fixed nothing when God had His plan rolling to bring me out.

Looking back, If I had read the bible and compared it to the teachings in the book of Mormon I would have found a lot of things that didn't line up with the truth. God did a great work. I wouldn't really change a thing. The Mormon Church actually discourages reading anything not written by their leaders. The truth will always stand up to investigation and questions. God is not intimidated by scrutiny and searching. The bible says that when we come to know the Lord, Jesus Christ that God first had to draw us to Him. He draws us before we even know who He is. When we receive Jesus as Lord and Savior it is because God loved us and found us first. I thought I knew Him and had the truth. Deception can be so real, unless our blind eyes are opened we just cannot see the truth. God is so good to know when and how to lift the veil from our eyes. I didn't even know I needed Him and was missing a real intimate relationship with Him, but He knew. Thank goodness He knows what we need.

The unfolding of God's plan didn't make sense and I fought it. He wanted to teach me to die to self and to my plans. I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord; plans to bless you and not to harm you. He plans to prosper you even though you don't understand. These are His words. These were His thoughts for my life even as I painted it. He knew already what He was doing. He let me throw a fit and just kept on doing what He knew would bring me to know and to love Him. Looking back I am so grateful for what God has done for me.

My plans and me:

I had a great plan. Be holy. Be a virgin. Get married in the Mormon Temple to a righteous man. Have a lot of children. Never get divorced, and live sealed as a family for eternity. My plan sounded like bliss. I was a wounded little child with a need for perfection. I wanted the perfect life that I never had. I learned to live according to laws. If you obeyed them, then you were considered a good person. No caffeine, no smoking, no shopping on Sundays, no swearing, no adultery, no lying, etc. We treated our daughter by the law also. I didn't understand grace, deliverance, or mercy the way I do now.

My childhood, with alcoholism, abuse, and other dysfunctions left me dreaming of perfection. Mormons seemed to have it all. Live the gospel, families sealed together for eternity, good and happy memories, never to be split up. Service, sacrifice, friends, and church activities were the basis for my life for those years. I loved the perfectness of it and I loved God. I hoped to be like some of the people I knew and loved. They were like an olive on an olive tree, perfect and round. I had dependability, church family and security, growing with lots of others in the same tree.

What I didn't understand was that the craving I felt for perfection was the need for a perfect Savior, with perfect love for an imperfect person, me! This season would be the unfolding of me for all to see, especially me. I would see that the law can't save a marriage, a soul, or deliver us from the flesh or demonic attacks. I learned that I was self-righteous, trying to fix myself on my own. I read every self-help book, sought counseling and friends to help me deal with my shortcomings.

I saw myself as a broken vessel by the time I painted the second painting of Jesus. Only God could fix me now. That is right where He wanted me. I had a pride that if I worked hard enough then things would be ok. I thought if I obeyed more perfectly my marriage could be saved. I thought if I was tough enough, or was a better example, that that would help my daughter. The harder I worked to follow laws, the more God allowed it to fail. I saw who I really was. I saw that anger could destroy me. I saw that illness could overcome me. I saw that without God I couldn't even provide financially for myself and my daughter when I was working 65 hours a week. I saw that I had been judgmental of others who couldn't live the laws or who didn't know the "truth". I saw some of my friends use that same judgmental attitude on me when God started pulling me out. I also witnessed that people who didn't know God helped me and my daughter when no one else would.

I loved the plan. Jesus wanted me to love Him. I did love Him. I didn't know I loved the plan's perfection and was missing a relationship with Perfection Himself. I thought I knew him. I thought I knew the bible.

I married someone who loved God, had gone on a mission, but he, like me, came with a set of dysfunctions from his childhood that would soon show up. I was the first one to have severe issues in the marriage that were manifested. How can I overcome these? My husband tried to help me, but he too was at a loss. The law couldn't put me back together again. I buried a lot. I left others to carry what I didn't want to deal with. For a long time I was passive. I didn't want to upset anyone or cause waves. I chose not to make decisions and let others do it for me. This created its own problems later as I began to assert myself

Problems in my family, marriage, and me kept coming. I can overcome. I will obey. I will do more. This was my thinking. I will make myself be perfect. I learned consistency, persistency and sticking to the plan. Where there's a will there's a way, right? This part of my life was the desert, but it was not the darkest desert I would walk through. Just like the young girl in this first drawing, I was like a small child in a lot of ways, not totally functional. This is how I was throughout most of my marriage. I thought I could see, but was blind.

Pressing the olives to get the oil out absolutely ruins the flesh and beauty of the olive. The flesh and meat of the olive get smashed in order to get the oil out. It is no more considered an olive, No more will it have the outward appearance it used to have. It will come to the Lords Table with a whole new appearance and purpose as olive oil. No flesh to get in the way. No hard pit deep inside of us covered by our flesh that we try to cover and hide from others. Olives are crushed so hard, again, and again that even the pit produces oil. The olive pit is actually used for fire after it is crushed and I understand that the fire that comes from the pit is hotter than other fires. We are like an olive; God wants to get the oil out of us through the crushing process.

This first crushing produces the finest oil that is used in the temple, in the Holy of Holies. God sees it. The purity and aroma of the oil rise up to Him. The crushing of the olives is because He longs to have you back to talk to you and have a personal relationship with you. He wants to talk about all of the prayers and tears that went up before Him. To heal your heart, that is His plan. He waits for the olive to ripen to just the right time. Then He plucks you from the tree, from everything you have ever known. You are not to be with the other olives on the tree enjoying the sun. You are thrown in a basket, seemingly to be discarded. People mock. What are you now? Under the stone you go, and the crushing begins. Stop God. I am hurting, don't you see? Where are you God? I am crushed, over, and over. I begin to think that the crushing isn't a process, but the actual final destination. I don't look like what I started out, and I am not supposed to.

The crushing gets to the pit of me, and I resist the process. I don't want to release the hardness that is part of me. The pit seems like my protection somehow. Jesus is the stone. When He gets to the pit of us he breaks it down to get the oil, then He builds us back in His own image. He heals and transforms us. It takes years of crushing to get my pit to start to break down. After the pit is crushed comes the burning of the crushed up pit to make a super-hot fire for all to come see and feel. It is not a fun process, but the end result is the olive oil at the Table of the Lord.

That would be the entrance of the next season of God's dealing with those hardest, deepest, darkest things in me that have to come out. I am feeling starved for the life of the tree. I feel cut off and broken.

I am. I was plucked from the tree and thrown in a basket to be crushed. I didnt realize that I had been on the wrong tree. I was starved for the life of the real vine.

At this point in my life, I gave up trying to live the law. I couldn't do it. It was too much. It is too much for all of us, that is why we need the Lord to stand in the gap for us. He redeems us from the law. I feel as though I am the stone tablets that the Ten Commandments were written on. Moses threw them down and broke them. I was living the law and was broken. I feel unrecognizable from the perspective of the law. Rejected and broken.

From the time God showed me this first painting of the little girl lost in the desert , I think it actually took me about 5 years to do the painting. After I finished it, then it was only about a year until my marriage ended. Those were sad years, and I felt like I had failed. The law never heals people or saves souls. I prayed and prayed for more children, and my marriage. I lost hope that my prayers were heard.

Being in bondage and not knowing how to get out or to have a hope is the most miserable state to be in. The bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. God is the Great Healer of heart, soul, and body. The bible says that by His stripes we were healed.

God said to the enemy, "Let my people go." God told Moses to go tell the Pharaoh to let His people go. God wasn't worried that the enemy didn't listen. Pharaoh hardened his heart even more in outright anger and willful rebellion to God. Near the end of 40 years of bondage, God's words were for me, "Go into the wilderness and worship Me." Before you are completely free the enemy fights, battles, and resists what God wants to do. Pharaoh is approached in his very home and in his most intimate of circumstances. God has been watching, waiting for the very moment in time to put His rescue plan in motion. He has put everything in place ahead of time. His timing is perfect. He wants to make sure the oil is pure. He's checking, and checking. He's like a long lost lover, waiting for His bride to come down the aisle. He wants to be first, before anyone or anything. Is her dress white? He wants us to repent and let His blood, which was shed for us, to cleanse us.

What is His purpose for saving us and bringing us out of bondage? He wants a personal relationship with us. His intent is to love us and for us to love Him. I have waited so long for her. I want her to never be apart from Me again. Is the passion she has for me burning enough to withstand all? No, she will fail. I will intercede for her once again. I died for her to know me. I will stand in her place and battle for her. My enemy will try to kill, steal and destroy her. I am her covering, and shield, says the Lord.

2. 2nd painting of Jesus: "You Are Mine" 2002. Isaiah 43: 1, Isaiah 41: 10, 13 -14.

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name: thou art mine. Fear thou not: for I am with thee: be not dismayed: for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with my righteous right hand. For I, the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. I will help thee, says the Lord, and thy redeemer, the Holy One of Israel."
The Lord redeemed me. I know my sheep and my sheep know my voice. The lost sheep was found. She was carried back to the fold on the shoulders of the Lord with broken legs. This season would show me who I really am, who the Lord really is and that the law does not save or deliver. Thus is the need for a redeemer, The Lord Jesus Christ. He is my redeemer now.

Let My People Go: The warning to the Pharaoh came again:

Be ye not afraid, but believe, that's what I read in the bible when God told me to leave my marriage. What? I'm going? Where? During the next few months of nurture and grieving, I stayed with a friend who took me in. I initially left to separate and see if we could work things out. This ended in divorce from my husband of 21 years. As a Christian now, I would have battled in prayer using the authority that Jesus gave us in Matt 10: 8. Jesus says, Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. In Luke 9: 1, Jesus gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases. My daughter and I are wounded and hurting.

The desert becomes darker as I went through a separation and then a divorce. Where are you Lord? I prayed for my family, my husband and my home for many years. I didn't understand that God was answering those prayers, but in a totally different way; A higher way. I was angry that the plan is gone. That is exactly how God wanted it. I let go of my own plan and God wanted me to follow His plan. That was the hard part. Anger at God starts a rebellious heart to the perfect plan. What about me? For the first time in my life I willfully rebelled against God. The great thing about God is that He saved me at the height of my anger and rebellion. I love him for that. He could have walked away.

My plan is broken. My hopes are dashed. What happened to my perfection? What about all of those laws that I lived? Didn't it work? What happened to the large family; what happened to the perfect home and husband? What happened to serving God together to joy? Can my childhood control my life forever? Is there no deliverance from childhood demons? The desert gets darker. What I didn't know was that God wanted to kick the demonic out of my life and family too, and that in this process He would show me the truth and the truth would set me free.

The bible says that God's people are destroyed from a lack of knowledge. Deception is a killer only because we close out any new knowledge that could save us because we think we already have the truth. Who will stand for me, and who will not? Separation from friends, family and church, and a coming out of Egypt, will define this season. Words spoken in the desert are like a scorpion stinging in the night. You can't see the enemy, but you feel the sting of his presence.

Anger, chaos and disorder cause a giving up of the plan and the laws. Where are you Lord? Grieving over things lost in the wilderness. Can I find them? Can I get back any of what was lost? Raising a teenager, raising myself, working 65 hours a week and being a single mom were taking a toll on me. I realized that I was trying to be the best mom I knew how. Works didnt help at this point in my life. Looking back I realized I was like a Pharisee, working by the letter of the law to save things that were crumbling around me.

This was the darkest and most defining hour for me and the most light and defining hour for the Lord. He is my deliverer. He is yours too. Do I have character? Can I stand as a crushed olive for all to see? I only recognize the pit in me. The outer shell is gone. Do I really love God? I work harder. I can do it. I can still be that olive. I am like a smashed olive, slippery and broken. I can't seem to hold on to the pieces of myself. I can't even find or recognize some of them. Where did they go?

This time is especially difficult. God showed me I was no longer a round nice shaped olive. I found my effort could hold nothing. My works could work nothing. Working to support my daughter and me seemed to be easy enough. I can do anything, right? If I can survive the last crushing I can surely get up now. I think the crushing is over. I start to get a plan. I think I can, I think I can. Pride cometh before the fall, the bible says. I don't know if it was just pride, self-righteousness, or just survival, but it all led to this path. I told myself, I will not fall. I fell, over and over again. I was stuck in that TV commercial that says, I have fallen and I can't get up!

People are mad at me. Some of them are miss-judging me. Its ok, I said again. Inside it all hurt me, as I tried to live by the law because that was all I knew how to do. I'm a good person, I think. No, I don't think so now.

If I had known what was coming in this season surely I would have crumbled. By the grace of God here stand I. God said to Pharaoh, "Let my bride go, that she may go into the wilderness and worship Me." After 8 plagues God spoke again and sends darkness to Egypt to raise the stakes. There is no darkness to God and He does not fear it. Darkness brings the hunter out to get the prey. God is posturing for the battle. He remains in the light and sees everything clearly. He saw that the enemy was trying to kill my daughter and I. He was already there. He came out in the dark desert to save his lost sheep from the mouth of the lion. The battle began with a dream of this painting.

I have a dream one night and wake up to write it down. It is how to re-do the first painting in the desert. "The One", Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd." I had something in my mind for the colors when I did it the first time and I never felt it was completed. In the dream I saw that in the desert it was dark. Wow. I had never thought of that. Jesus comes when you are hungry, tired and cold, and in the darkest hour. I didn't know that this picture was prophetic for what God would do in my life. I knew that God wanted me to paint it again with the changes I had seen in my dream. That decision opened the darkest desert in my life and only the grace of God saved my daughter and me.

The next day I went to my first singles event (In the LDS, Mormon Church). I had no idea what to expect or what the speaker was to talk about. I went with another woman who was a single mom. Were we surprised when the speaker was the curator for the Springville Museum of Art? I had no idea it would be about art. That sounds interesting to me. His topic was, "People who have painted Jesus Christ". Now there is a topic. I thought of the dream I had just had the night before and knew that God had put me there. He talked about how few people there are, or have been, who have ever painted Jesus, especially women. My friend, who was supportive to the talents God had given to me was shocked also by the topic of the speaker. We listened attentively. She wanted me to go up and introduce myself. I didn't want to. I didn't want to. Who am I? I thought. She wanted to only go up and shake his hand, at least. I agreed. She then proceeded to introduce me as a painter of Jesus. He asked to see my work sometime. I agreed. We left and I concluded that I should re do the one I had just dreamt about and then show him the new one. I got the supplies. The deepest crushing was about to begin. Just like in the painting I was about to begin, this would be the ninth and tenth plagues combined that God sent to Pharaoh to convince him to let His people go.

I prayed that night for God to use my hands and let that painting turn out to what He wanted it to be. I prayed for protection because the first one had opened an attack of the enemy in my life. I was feeling nervous to begin this painting knowing what had happened during the first painting of Jesus I had done about a year or so earlier. As Mormons we don't know or use the authority of Jesus Christ, especially as women. I was a lamb in the desert with the lion on the prowl. The prayer of the righteous availed much in that moment and the next 18 months as the devil tried to kill, steal, and destroy my family and I. Jesus saves. He saved us. Only God and my daughter know the extent of trials we suffered. It bonded me to both of them forever.

When I was a young girl I used to have a nightmare over and over. It was the same one. I had prayed for years to understand the full meaning of it, and for complete healing over the matter. In the nightmare, I saw a pair of green evil eyes. Doesn't sound bad, right? They were mean. I didn't see anything else. I would wake up being suffocated and in a panic attack. I had the same panic attacks whenever I couldn't breathe, if I was squished, or if my nose was stuffed up. What would follow was I would instantly remember the eyes in the dream, and start crying in a child-like trauma. I thought I had been abused by someone as a child and just didn't remember who. I had always thought that I would someday remember and be able to move on. That never happened, so I stopped worrying, praying and thinking about it. I hadn't had that dream in years and years. I had almost forgotten all about it.

I knelt down and prayed a simple prayer to begin that painting. How simple could it be? Simple prayers work. The battle was on. My daughter was in the other room saying goodbye to her friends that were visiting. I was going to bed because I had to get up at four in the morning for work. I was just climbing into bed when I saw those evil eyes I had seen in the dream all those years. I started to panic. What is going on? This is not a dream. I don't understand. I am not dreaming. This is not a dream?! My room got cold. My mind is going a million miles an hour trying to figure out what is going on. Mormons in the LDS church are never taught to battle the enemy. I was a sheep. I also had a great Shepherd. My room grew steadily colder, and colder. I couldn't stay in my room any longer. I ran out in my pajamas, crying and pacing. My mind was spinning. My daughter and her friends wondered, what had happened? All I was doing was getting ready for bed!

Up until that night, my daughter had never known about that dream or how it had tormented me for years. I started to spill it all out. Right there for all to see and hear. Her friends were in their leather jackets, Mohawks, piercings, etc. She had never seen me in such a state. I rambled, my mind racing. I had this dream as a child. Well, I thought it was a dream. I don't know now. My room is cold. How could I see those eyes when I was awake? I can't go back in my room. I can't go back in there. My alarm is there for work. My clothes are there, too. I can't miss work or be late. I need my alarm. I need to be in my room. I need prayer. My daughter was in her rebellion years because of being forced to live by the letter of the law, and yet I needed prayer. I asked her to pray with me. She offered the sweetest prayer.

She made all of her friends fold their arms and bow their heads. I felt released. I hugged them and her, turned, and went to bed. They were all wondering just what had happened. I wondered too. The bible says that God's people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. The coldness left and peace came. My Shepherd was there.

My car was wrecked again. Wow, four times in a year and a half. How could that be? It had just happened. My daughter, God spared her again. I started worrying about all of it and couldn't sleep well anymore. Every time the phone rang I jumped, scared of what would be next. This is tiresome. I am getting exhausted. Working 65 hours a week is getting old. What in the heck is going on God?

My divorce is getting hurtful. I promised myself I would have grace in the divorce and not look back at anything I did or said and regret it. I can't do it. I can. No I can't. I received another letter from my husband. It was a 300 page letter this time. The last one was about 24 pages, and I thought that was a lot. This new letter took me 5 hours to read and hurt me more than any other thing in my life. It took him his whole vacation to write it. Maybe I shouldn't have read it. I read it because I didn't want to always wonder what was in it. Everyone told me not to read it, but I wanted to give him and our marriage the benefit of the doubt. Will he love me and bear his heart and soul to me? Is he still mad at me? 21 years of marriage. I wanted him to love me and take me seriously. Will he? No. Mercy was not there for me at that time. I was to learn to give mercy. My heart is breaking. Oh my heart is being ripped out. I fell apart. That was the final stripping of the flesh of the olive from the meat.

My daughter is suffering also and I can't even deal with my own things going on. I turned inward, feeling rejected and alone. I had long-time friends, some stayed and some went, or maybe I went. I don't relate to others anymore. No one understands me or can give any advice. Some say I must be doing something wrong. Anger starts to take over. I learned that being judged by others hurts. I tried to go to church but I found that I didn't relate to other peoples' trials anymore. The ladies in the meetings were so stressed about new carpet, company coming over or getting their houses remodeled that it all seemed trivial to me. Those seemed like such blessings from my viewpoint.

Earlier in my life my childhood tragedies were a testimony to others. I shared them. Like an olive, not yet crushed to the core. I shared, but at that point in my life, there was no oil to give except what happened to be on the outside of the olive. I just shared what the life of the olive looked like. I shared about what it was like to grow up to be an olive, which was not the finished product. I shared how to live the law. How living the law had saved me. It did actually save me from being in the world, smoking, drinking, etc. It taught me how to cook, sew, study, and have discipline, and how to live the laws. There were many benefits from learning how to live a disciplined life with good habits that came from being in the LDS

Mormons. I learned how to study, go to church regularly, and spend time as a family. God instilled in me persistence and consistency. I didn't even know about the crushing of the olive. You cannot share what you do not know. No one wants to hear about smashing, crushing, and death to self and the law. No one wants to join you. Some run. Some turn. Some talk. Some remain. I appear like a rotten smashed olive. God showed me that hard pit inside of me. It is ugly and wrinkled. No one wants to be around me. I don't recognize myself. I thought I was a good person.

My daughter is one of the few that supports me in this time and me to her. I look back and am sad that I couldn't have been there more for her emotionally, but I just couldn't handle anymore at this point. We don't know if we would have made it without each other, and the Lord. She is going her own way to avoid the law, not the way I want. I am frustrated when I see her choices. Is she going to be ok? What do I do? Do I sue the lady that ran the red light? I don't sleep well anymore for worrying if my daughter is alright. That week we both lost our jobs. Within 3-4 weeks both our cars were gone and so were our jobs. Four or five car wrecks and moving 12 times in the next year and a half, my daughter and I found ourselves at the mercy of people to take us in. Learning to receive instead of giving, that was the lesson in those months. Family traditions faded. Holiday times and good food and plenty were soon memories. We both learned to be grateful for a can of orange juice, a pack of cheese, and for the holiday traditions and time we had together. We had people lie to us, cheat us, steal from us, betray us and walk away from us. We were grateful that God put us there for each other.

I developed bronchitis, then walking pneumonia. I would cough so hard that it would make me vomit. I knelt at the toilet for a long time as I was crying, vomiting, and coughing. My daughter came and rubbed my back. I was working too much and was worn out. My daughter had her own heartaches from her family being split up etc.

In a meeting with my bishop I was telling the things happening and the church offered to help me for a couple of months so I could take off work and finish this painting. The trials were so intense that I couldn't even write them. I said if I am going to go through hell for this painting then I am going to run. I finished it in 3 months. I found that I couldn't even say my plans out loud without an attack. I had people pose and had to rent the costumes all at the last minute so the enemy wouldn't get in the way. I only had money to rent the costumes one time and God told me when to do it and when to get the people together after I had rented them. It was an act of faith. My daughter was going to take the photos and we all started up to the edge of the mountain. She had a new camera and was trying it out for this project and we were having problems getting the flash to work properly.

As I started this painting I lost everything I had, over and over. I got angrier. I just don't understand anything. I had made prints of the 2nd painting of Jesus out in the desert where it is dark, and He was picking up a little older girl this time. I was more mature. The desert became darker. The times became harder. God told me to make prints of that painting and with the last of the money I had, I obeyed. I didn't understand why God would tell me to do that and then let me lose everything I had. For a year and a half we were at the mercy of others. I ripped up every self-help book, family game, etc. The last time my car got wrecked (four or five wrecks in a year and a half, paying a 500 dollar deductible each time), I took about fifty prints, ripped them up and threw them on the floor. I left them there and walked on them all week with the games and self-help books.

I remember lying on the floor, telling God that I didn't know what He wanted from me and I was just one woman! What could one woman do? I said, "I give, God ...I give."

Loosing The Captive:

3. The third painting behind bars: "Freedom and Authority" 2006.

John 8: 36, says," If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." In Luke 10: 19, Jesus says," Behold I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you."

I came to set the captives free and to loose the bonds of the enemy. The loosing of the captive and the receiving His authority was what God did in my life in this season. I learned my authority in His name.

The Prison and Rebellion:

I was free and walking but in bondage. Dominion is mine, but was still in bondage. It is a cold and lonely place. In my anger and discouragement I moved to New York to start over and to also go somewhere new. I drove out with only what I could put in my car and I made it in 3 days. At the time I left, this painting was half finished. Isn't it strange that I had a different idea for doing this particular painting? I wanted to do it about the codependency we have in our lives and how we wear the key to get out and often don't use it. I traveled across the country only to find the bondage is still the same.

At that time I gave up on faith, works, and God and I was in open rebellion. There is no plan for anything anymore. I gave up on living the law, and was in the pit of despair feeling like nothing works to save me, my marriage, or my family. If God doesn't save me, then I give.

I found grace at the end of myself. Religion says, "I obey, therefore I am accepted." Christianity says, "1 am accepted, therefore I obey." I was always accepted as a spiritual person. I was always the strong person, being obedient.

After coming to New York I finished reading the Da Vinci Code. Maybe there is something I missed I thought. Searching for more answers I went to the library to do my own research on that book. God actually used that book for my blessing and opened up my mind to the fact that maybe there was something I missed in my studying about God.

I was out with friends discussing a business deal for the artwork I had when God made a divine appointment in my life. God accepted me in my rebellion. I met a Christian who knew the bible and was our waiter. He saw me in tears and anguish and talking about God. "Do you believe in Jesus?" he asked

me. Yes, I replied. "The Jesus of the Bible?" he asked. Yes, I replied. What religion are you? Are you Christian? Am I Christian?? Yes, I am a Mormon. "You aren't a Christian if you believe a different God than the God in the Bible" he said. "Mormons don't believe the God in the Bible, they have a different God" he said. I got angry that he questioned my faith in God after all I had just gone through in my life. I defended myself and said that I was a good person. He then said that we are like filthy rags to God and that none is good but God.

I just lost everything I had, who I thought I was, my plan, and my family, for God and for a painting! At least that is what I thought at the time. I didnt understand that the devil was trying to kill me and destroy me and take everything I had. How could anyone ask me that? What are you saying that I am not a good person? In prison you obey and you are accepted. You do not obey, you are definitely not accepted. How can you be accepted as you are? I had never heard of that concept. I had a Pharisee's mind-set. I am a good person, I thought. I am not as a filthy rag! Me, a filthy rag? I was offended that this person approached me and questioned my testimony and faith in Jesus.

God used my weakness and anger to bring me out of bondage. I didn't plan to come out of the LDS Mormons. I actually started searching in my Bible to prove that the LDS Mormon doctrine was correct. I was going to pull this man out of deception and show him the truth. I was angry that someone thought I wasn't a true Christian. I was going to prove that he was wrong. I started doing something that I had never done up to that point in my life, I started comparing the Bible to the Book of Mormon. This person kept asking me to find my beliefs in the Bible. So, the Lord started to lift the veil off my eyes. Little did I know that that question would take me in a whole new direction. My anger was now directed to prove that the LDS Mormon religion was the truth. I started studying. There is a four year space between this painting and the one before it. I spent that time studying.

Receiving the Keys of the kingdom, becoming an heir:

4. Fourth painting of Jesus on the Horse in flames: "I Come Quickly" 2006.
2 Thess 1 :7," And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with His mighty angels."
This is who I AM. The truth that you know and believe will set you free. This was my revelation of Jesus.

The Bible has more proofs than any other book, more archeological evidence than any other book, and has out lasted and out lived any other book. I want to add that none of the Book of Mormon cities has proven archaeological evidence or DNA proofs in the generational bloodlines. For anyone wanting to do research a good book to get started with would be "The Kingdom of The Cults" by Walter Martin. I would also recommend some online groups such as Concerned Christians, or Christian Research and Counsel. The truth should be able to stand up to research and scrutiny. Mormons should consider this and look at the Book of Mormon compared to the Bible. Does the Book of Mormon have contradictions to the Bible? What do you have to lose to do research? If the Book of Mormon can't take the scrutiny of comparisons to the Bible then that should make you wonder why. If you compare the Bible with the Book of Mormon, you will find that there are many contradictions.

One problem that some churches including the Mormons have is that they study the Bible and say that they believe it, but they use other books that they call scripture to interpret the Bible. They don't ever compare the Bible to the other book their church endorses. There are many churches that are misinterpreting the Bible because they dont know that the Bible will interpret itself. To use another source to interpret the Bible, whether it is a supposed book of scripture put out by that church or some other source will lead to deception. If you want to know if you're learning the truth, then don't be afraid to compare what you are studying against the Bible. One problem that the LDS Mormons have is that they think that the Bible was not translated correctly and that the Book of Mormon is more correctly translated than the Bible. Therefore they believe the Book of Mormon more than the Bible. When they find and something that doesnt line up with comparing the Bible and the Book of Mormon they discount it to an incorrect translation.

One of the big misunderstandings is genealogy. Mormons, did you know that the Bible says not to do endless genealogies? Did you know that the godhead of the Book of Mormon is different from the Godhead of the Bible? Don't you want to know why, and how? God started showing me these things. I must say I was so upset, I had argued for weeks and weeks. Finally, I started crying when I realized that I had been deceived for so many years of my life. I still wasn't truly convinced until one Sunday I went to church with some friends and God decided to show me who He was that day.

I had been making fun of people who fell down when they were prayed over. I had never seen anything so ridiculous in all my life. Grown men and women lying on the floor because of a prayer! I was embarrassed for them to act like that, especially at church. Well, this day a preacher had come from Liberia. He was a powerful, holy man of God, and although we don't put our faith in man, I appreciate the faith to accept a call of God on a person's life. I still don't know what he preached about; only that it touched my heart. He decided to call people up out of the audience for prayer. I was hoping he would

call up one of my friends who was struggling and had been in and out of the hospital. Instead, he called me up. I had a conversation with God on the way up from the back, telling Him that I was not going to fall down. I continued to say that I had been prayed for a lot in my life, and that I didn't think that I had to fall down just because I felt the Holy Spirit. I walked up to the front in my nice long gown, with the thought; "Ok, now you can pray for me, and I am not falling down!" .God has such a sense of humor! We think we can tell God what to do and that He will obey us! Of course, I was down on the floor unable to control myself. I started shaking, my eyes rolled back! That was my breaking point with God. He got my full attention with that scene. That was my own personal dare to God because I thought I already knew Him.

They prayed over me for what seemed like at least 15 minutes. Then I received the most peaceful calm feeling over my entire body. I got up from that experience and was quiet all the way home. I didn't say a word to anyone. I couldn't believe that God could really do that. Was I really missing something more to God? Was I wrong? If I was wrong about that, what else am I wrong about? Then God started showing me the Bible pure and simple, not being twisted with any other book, and not interpreted by any other book. Just the Bible. The true God. I had to fall down to break my heart open for God to come in.

Not everyone that falls is from God, and there are some charismatics that do a lot of show. I understand that God knows the heart and knows what you will need to really receive who He is without any denial in your spirit. That could be different for different people because we are all in different walks of life. For me, I knew that I would never do that of my own free will. For some people they may need different proofs from God to be able to not deny that it came from Him.

That is what makes each experience when you come to know Him so personal and special. Every situation is unique. Paul in the bible was a Christian killer. He hated the Christians and did everything in his power to destroy them. Only God alone knew what it would take to convince him that he was wrong. He showed up in person to Paul and it was such a dramatic thing for Paul that it changed his whole life. He was blinded for I think 3 days, until God sent someone to him that God had told what had happened and he prayed for Paul. Paul was never the same.

In one instant, God proved that He was in control of me and my life .... totally. It was in a way that I couldn't question. I knew that God was the one that knocked me off my feet and put me on the ground. He was the one that made me in a frozen state, not even able to move or talk of my own free will. I also knew that I had been an unwilling participant and that He did what He wanted anyway. Wow. I didn't know what to say. I was quiet. What just happened? Was I wrong about you, God? If I was wrong about you, God, what else was I wrong about? I started studying. What I found is that all of the beliefs I had

had since age 14 were only found in the Book of Mormon and were not backed up or talked about in the Bible. I was in total shock. I cried. Had I wasted my life on deceptions? The more I studied, the more I found that I had been wrong. I was devastated, angry and hurt. How could I have had the Bible with me for years and not have understood it? Why didn't I notice any of these things before?

God brought me out of dysfunction, an abusive, alcoholic step father, out of loneliness, rejection, not being able to have children (then God blessed me with one), out of no intimacy for years in a dysfunctional marriage, out of the deception of LDS Mormonism, out of divorce of a 21 year marriage, out of being homeless, carless, bankruptcy, and many more things too numerous to tell now.

I wouldn't want to do it all again, but to know the One and Only True God that I know now was well worth it. Now I know the authority that we hold as the body of Christ to bind and cast out demonic influences that cause illness, alcoholism, abuse, strife, poverty, broken marriages and homes, childless couples, poverty and bankruptcy.

The bible says that the devil comes to kill, steal, and destroy. We have authority over him through Jesus Christ and the blood He shed for us when we receive Him as our Lord and Savior. God placed in me a fire to battle for the things the enemy has stolen from me and my family and the tools to do it.

5. Fifth painting: "THE POTTER'S HAND, 2007.

Jeremiah 18: 6, 0 house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in my hand, 0 house of Israel."
I am realizing that I have been broken in pieces like a clay water cistern. No longer to hold any water. God is the one to fix and heal my heart. He is the One to provide and care for me. He is the One who heals me when I have no other options, and He is the One to shape and mold me. Learning to submit to what He is doing is a constant learning process in this season of my life.

Sometimes we fight the events in our lives and resist the shaping and pounding that the Lord allows to mold us. I learned in this season to let go of my plans and to allow the shaping process. It was one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn. Learning to drop my will and wait on what the Lord is doing to me and through me symbolizes this painting.

I would invite you to read the bible, not one printed by a church endorsing another book of scripture beside it that would cause deceptions, but a basic King James Bible. It is also important to attend a good bible based church that believes the bible. Stick to the bible, prayer, and fellowshipping with other Christians.

If you haven't received the Lord into your heart as your personal Lord and Savior, I would like to invite you to repeat this prayer. Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus I repent for my sins and ask that you forgive me and cleanse me with the blood of Jesus. I receive Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Savior. I know that He died for my sins, to redeem me and save me. I give You my life and ask that you change me and help me. I renounce any demonic influences that may have come through my generations or by my own actions and choices, remove them in Jesus name and by His blood. I receive the Holy Spirit in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

These paintings He gave me to paint are my testimony to you. He used my own talent that He gave me, to show me show me who He is. I didn't plan the order of these paintings. I only painted what I felt like doing at the time. Years after I did them, He showed me that the order I did them and what I had lived in my life had all been orchestrated by Him.

Isaiah 43:18-21 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise."

Isaiah 9: 1-7 "Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder. For as in the day of the Midians defeat, you have

shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor. For to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness. From that time on and forever. The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this."

These paintings and story are my own testimony that God gave me to show what He has done for me, and how good He is. He will also show you in a personal and intimate way who He is. There may be trials, hardships and life may not live up to your plans, but they are His plans and He is ever faithful and loving. The trials are worth the knowledge of who He is. At a time when I turned my back on Him out of sheer frustration and misunderstanding, He came. He will also come for you.