First Confession

By Frank O'Connor
All the trouble began when my grandfather died and my grand-mother - my father's mother - came to live with us. Relations in the one house are a strain at the best of

3times but to make matters worse my grandmother was a real old countrywoman
and !uite unsuited to the life in town. "he had a fat wrinkled old face and to #other's great indignation went round the house in bare feet - the boots had her

6cri$$led she said. For dinner she had a %ug of $orter and a $ot of $otatoes with some-times - a bit of salt fish and she $oured out the $otatoes on the table and ate them slowly with great relish using her fingers by way of a fork.

&ow girls are su$$osed to be fastidious but ' was the one who suffered most from this. &ora my sister %ust sucked u$ to the old woman for the $enny she got every Friday out of the old-age $ension a thing ' could not do. ' was too honest

12that was my trouble( and when ' was $laying with Bill Connell the sergeantma%or's son and saw my grandmother steering u$ the $ath with the %ug of $orter sticking out from beneath her shawl ' was mortified. ' made e)cuses not to let him

15come into the house because ' could never be sure what she would be u$ to when
we went in. *hen #other was at work and my grandmother made the dinner ' wouldn't

18touch it. &ora once tried to make me but ' hid under the table from her and took
the bread-knife with me for $rotection. &ora let on to be very indignant +she wasn't of course but she knew #other saw through her so she sided with ,ran-

21and came after me. ' lashed out at her with the bread-knife and after that she left
me alone. ' stayed there till #other came in from work and made my dinner but when Father came in later &ora said in a shocked voice. /Oh 0adda do you know

24what 1ackie did at dinnertime2/ 3hen of course it all came out( Father gave me a
flaking( #other interfered and for days after that he didn't s$eak to me and #other barely s$oke to &ora.

27

And all because of that old woman4 ,od knows ' was heart-scalded. 3hen to crown my misfortunes ' had to make my first confession and communion. 't was an old woman called Ryan who $re$ared us for these. "he was about the one age

30with ,ran( she was well-to-do lived in a big house on #ontenotte wore a black
cloak and bonnet and came every day to school at three o'clock when we should have been going home and talked to us of hell. "he may have mentioned the other

33$lace as well but that could only have been by accident for hell had the first $lace
in her heart.

"he lit a candle took out a new half-crown and offered it to the first boy who

36would hold one finger only one finger4 - in the flame for five minutes by the
school clock. Being always very ambitious ' was tem$ted to volunteer but ' thought it might look greedy. 3hen she asked were we afraid of holding one finger

39- only one finger4 - in a little candle flame for five minutes and not afraid of
burning all over in roasting hot furnaces for all eternity. /All eternity4 1ust think of that4 A whole lifetime goes by and it's nothing not even a dro$ in the ocean of

42your sufferings./ 3he woman was really interesting about hell but my attention
was all fi)ed on the half-crown. At the end of the lesson she $ut it back in her $urse. 't was a great disa$$ointment( a religious woman like that you wouldn't

45think she'd bother about a thing like a half-crown.

Another day she said she knew a $riest who woke one night to find a felllow he didn't recognise leaning over the end of his bed. 3he $riest was a bit frightened

48naturally enough but he asked the fellow what he wanted and the fellow said in a
dee$ husky voice that he wanted to go to confession. 3he $riest said it was an awkward time and wouldn't it do in the morning but the fellow said that last time

51he went to confession there was one sin he ke$t back being ashamed to mention it
and now it was always on his mind. 3hen the $riest knew it was a bad case because the fellow was after making a bad confession and committing a mortal sin.

545e got u$ to dress and %ust then the cock crew in the yard outside and lo and
behold4 - when the $riest looked round there was no sign of the fellow only a smell of burning timber and when the $riest looked at his bed didn't he see the

57$rint of two hands burned in it2 3hat was because the fellow had made a bad
confession. 3his story made a shocking im$ression on me. But the worst of all was when she showed us how to e)amine our conscience.

600id we take the name of the 6ord our ,od in vain2 0id we honour our father and
our mother2 +' asked her did this include grandmothers and she said it did.- 0id we love our neighbours as ourselves2 0id we covet our neighbour 7 goods2 +' thought

63of the way ' felt about the $enny that &ora got every Friday.- ' decided that
between one thing and another ' must have broken the whole ten commandments all on account of that old woman and so far as ' could see so long as she remained

66in the house ' had no ho$e of ever doing anything else.
' was scared to death of confession. 3he day the whole class went ' let on to have a toothache ho$ing my absence wouldn't be noticed but at three o'clock %ust

69as ' was feeling safe along comes a cha$ with a message from #rs. Ryan that '
was to go to confession myself on "aturday and be at the cha$el for communion with the rest. 3o make it worse #other couldn't come with me and sent &ora

72instead.

&ow that girl had ways of tormenting me that #other never knew of. "he held my hand as we went down the hill smiling sadly and saying how sorry she was for

75me as if she were bringing me to the hos$ital for an o$eration.

/Oh ,od hel$ us4/ she moaned. /'sn't it a terrible $ity you weren't a good boy2 Oh 1ackie my heart bleeds for you4 5ow will you ever think of all your sins2

780on't forget you have to tell him about the time you kicked ,ran on the shin./
/6emme go4/ ' said trying to drag myself free of her. /' don't want to go to confession at all./

81

But sure you'll have to go to confession 1ackie4 she re$lied in the same regretful tone. /"ure if you didn't the $arish $riest would be u$ to the house looking for you. '3isn't ,od knows that ''m not sorry for you. 0o you remember

84the time you tried to kill me with the bread-knife under the table2 And the language
you used to me2 ' don't know what he'll do with you at all 1ackie. 5e might have to send you u$ to the bisho$./

87

' remember thinking bitterly that she didn't know the half of what ' had to tell if ' told it. ' knew ' couldn't tell it and understood $erfectly why the fellow in #rs. Ryan's story made a bad confession( it seemed to me a great shame that $eo$le

90wouldn't sto$ criticising him. ' remember that stee$ hill down to the church and
the sunlit hillsides beyond the valley of the river which ' saw in the ga$s between the houses like Adam's last glim$se of 8aradise.

93

3hen when she had manoeuvred me down the long flight of ste$s to the cha$el yard &ora suddenly changed her tone. "he became the raging malicious devil she really was.

96

/3here you are4/ she said with a yel$ of trium$h hurling me through the church door. /And ' ho$e he'll give you the $enitential $salms you dirty little caffler./ ' knew then ' was lost given u$ to eternal %ustice. 3he door with the coloured-

99glass $anels swung shut behind me the sunlight went out and gave $lace to dee$
shadow and the wind whistled outside so that the silence within seemed to crackle like ice under my feet. &ora sat in front of me by the confession bo). 3here were a

102cou$le of old women ahead of her and then a miserable-looking $oor devil came
and wedged me in at the other side so that ' couldn't esca$e even if ' had the courage. 5e %oined his hands and rolled his eyes in the direction of the roof

105muttering as$irations in an anguished tone and ' wondered had he a grandmother

too. Only a grandmother could account for a fellow behaving in that heartbroken way but he was better off than ' for he at least could go and confess his sins( while

108' would make a bad confession and then die in the night and be continually coming
back and burning $eo$le's furniture. &ora's turn came and ' heard the sound of something slamming and then her

111voice as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth and then another slam and out she

came. ,od the hy$ocrisy of women4 5er eyes were lowered her head was bowed and her hands were %oined very low down on her stomach and she walked u$ the

114aisle to the side altar looking like a saint. 9ou never saw such an e)hibition of
devotion( and ' remembered the devilish malice with which she had tormented me all the way from our door and wondered were all religious $eo$le like that really.

117't was my turn now. *ith the fear of damnation in my soul ' went in and the
confessional door closed of itself behind me. 't was $itch-dark and ' couldn't see $riest or anything else. 3hen ' really began to be frightened. 'n the darkness it was

120a matter between ,od and me and 5e had all the odds. 5e knew what my
intentions were before ' even started( ' had no chance. All ' had ever been told about confession got mi)ed u$ in my mind and ' knelt to one wall and said. /Bless

123me father for ' have sinned( this is my first confession./ ' waited for a few
minutes but nothing ha$$ened so ' tried it on the other wall. &othing ha$$ened there either. 5e had me s$otted all right.

126

't must have been then that ' noticed the shelf at about one height with my head. 't was really a $lace for grown-u$ $eo$le to rest their elbows but in my distracted state ' thought it was $robably the $lace you were su$$osed to kneel. Of course it

129was on the high side and not very dee$ but ' was always good at climbing and
managed to get u$ all right. "taying u$ was the trouble. 3here was room only for my knees and nothing you could get a gri$ on but a sort of wooden moulding a bit

132above it. ' held on to the moulding and re$eated the words a little louder and this
time something ha$$ened all right. A slide was slammed back( a little light entered the bo) and a man's voice said /*ho's there2/

135

/3is me father / ' said for fear he mightn't see me and go away again. ' couldn't see him at all. 3he $lace the voice came from was under the moulding about level with my knees so ' took a good gri$ of the moulding and swung myself down till '

138saw the astonished face of a young $riest looking u$ at me. 5e had to $ut his head
on one side to see me and ' had to $ut mine on one side to see him so we were more or less talking to one another u$side-down. 't struck me as a !ueer way of

141hearing confessions but ' didn't feel it my $lace to criticise.

/Bless me father for ' have sinned( this is my first confession/ ' rattled off all in one breath and swung myself down the least shade more to make it easier for

144him.
/*hat are you doing u$ there2/ he shouted in an angry voice and the strain the $oliteness was $utting on my hold of the moulding and the shock of being

147addressed in such an uncivil tone were too much for me. ' lost my gri$ tumbled
and hit the door an unmerciful wallo$ before ' found myself flat on my back in the middle of the aisle. 3he $eo$le who had been waiting stood u$ with their mouths

150o$en. 3he $riest o$ened the door of the middle bo) and came out $ushing his

biretta back from his forehead( he looked something terrible. 3hen &ora came scam$ering down the aisle.

153

/Oh you dirty little caffler4/ she said. /' might have known you'd do it. ' might have known you'd disgrace me. ' can't leave you out of my sight for one minute./ Before ' could even get to my feet to defend myself she bent down and gave me

156a cli$ across the ear. 3his reminded me that ' was so stunned ' had even forgotten
to cry so that $eo$le might think ' wasn't hurt at all when in fact ' was $robably maimed for life. ' gave a roar out of me.

159

/*hat's all this about2/ the $riest hissed getting angrier than ever and $ushing &ora off me. /5ow dare you hit the child like that you little vi)en2/ /But ' can't do my $enance with him father / &ora cried cocking an outraged

162eye u$ at him.
/*ell go and do it or ''ll give you some more to do / he said giving me a hand u$. /*as it coming to confession you were my $oor man2/ he asked me.

165

/'3was father / said ' with a sob. /Oh / he said res$ectfully /a big hefty fellow like you must have terrible sins. 's this your first2/

168

'3is father / said '. /*orse and worse / he said gloomily. /3he crimes of a lifetime. ' don't know will ' get rid of you at all today. 9ou'd better wait now till ''m finished with these

171old ones. 9ou can see by the looks of them they haven't much to tell./
/' will father / ' said with something a$$roaching %oy. 3he relief of it was really enormous. &ora stuck out her tongue at me from

174behind his back but ' couldn't even be bothered retorting. ' knew from the very
moment that man o$ened his mouth that he was intelligent above the ordinary. *hen ' had time to think ' saw how right ' was. 't only stood to reason that a

177fellow confessing after seven years would have more to tell than $eo$le that went
every week. 3he crimes of a lifetime e)actly as he said. 't was only what he e)$ected and the rest was the cackle of old women and girls with their talk of hell

180the bisho$ and the $enitential $salms. 3hat was all they knew. ' started to make
my e)amination of conscience and barring the one bad business of my grandmother it didn't seem so bad.

183

3he ne)t time the $riest steered me into the confession bo) himself and left the shutter back the way ' could see him get in and sit down at the further side of the grille from me.

186

/*ell now / he said /what do they call you2/ /1ackie father / said '. /And what's a-trouble to you 1ackie2/

189

/Father / ' said feeling ' might as well get it over while ' had him in good humour /' had it all arranged to kill my grandmother./ 5e seemed a bit shaken by that all right because he said nothing for !uite a

192while.
/#y goodness / he said at last /that'd be a shocking thing to do. *hat $ut that into your head2/

195

/Father / ' said feeling very sorry for myself /she's an awful woman./ /'s she2/ he asked. /*hat way is she awful2/ /"he takes $orter father / ' said knowing well from the way #other talked of it

198that this was a mortal sin and ho$ing it would make the $riest take a more
favourable view of my case. /Oh my4/ he said and ' could see he was im$ressed.

201

/And snuff father / said '. /3hat's a bad case sure enough 1ackie / he said. /And she goes round in her bare feet father / ' went on in a rush of self-$ity

204/and she knows ' don't like her and she gives $ennies to &ora and none to me and
my da sides with her and flakes me and one night ' was so heart-scalded ' made u$ my mind ''d have to kill her./

207

/And what would you do with the body2/ he asked with great interest. /' was thinking ' could cho$ that u$ and carry it away in a barrow ' have / ' said.

210

/Begor 1ackie / he said /do you know you're a terrible child2/ /' know father / ' said for ' was %ust thinking the same thing myself. /' tried to kill &ora too with a bread-knife under the table only ' missed her./

213

/'s that the little girl that was beating you %ust now2/ he asked. /3is father./ /"omeone will go for her with a bread-knife one day and he won't miss her / he

216said rather cry$tically. /9ou must have great courage. Between ourselves there's a
lot of $eo$le ''d like to do the same to but ''d never have the nerve. 5anging is an awful death./

219

/'s it father2 /' asked with the dee$est interest - ' was always very keen on hanging. /0id you ever see a fellow hanged2/ /0o:ens of them / he said solemnly. /And they all died roaring./

222

/1ay4/ ' said. /Oh a horrible death4/ he said with great satisfaction. /6ots of the fellows ' saw killed their grandmothers too but they all said 'twas

225never worth it./

5e had me there for a full ten minutes talking and then walked out the cha$el yard with me. ' was genuinely sorry to $art with him because he was the most

228entertaining character ''d ever met in the religious line. Outside after the shadow of
the church the sunlight was like the roaring of waves on a beach( it da::led me( and when the fro:en silence melted and ' heard the screech of trams on the road

231my heart soared. ' knew now ' wouldn't die in the night and come back leaving
marks on my mother's furniture. 't would be a great worry to her and the $oor soul had enough.

234

&ora was sitting on the railing waiting for me and she $ut on a very sour $uss when she saw the $riest with me. "he was mad %ealous because a $riest had never come out of the church with her.

237

/*ell / she asked coldly after he left me /what did he give you2/ /3hree 5ail #arys / ' said. /3hree 5ail #arys / she re$eated incredulously. /9ou mustn't have told him

240anything./
/' told him everything / ' said confidently. /About ,ran and all2/

243

/About ,ran and all./ +All she wanted was to be able to go home and say ''d made a bad confession./0id you tell him you went for me with the bread-knife2/ she asked with a

246frown.
/' did to be sure./ /And he only gave you three 5ail #arys2/

249

/3hat's all./ "he slowly got down from the railing with a baffled air. Clearly this was beyond her. As we mounted the ste$s back to the main road she looked at me

252sus$iciously.
/*hat are you sucking2/ she asked. /Bullseyes./

255

/*as it the $riest gave them to you2/ /'3was./ /6ord ,od / she wailed bitterly /some $eo$le have all the luck4 '3is no

258advantage to anybody trying to be good. ' might %ust as well be a sinner like you./
First $ublished in ;<7=