This joke has never been made before

Chapter 11
Volume VIII Issue 1 News for Youse December 2012
Hunter Breaks Primary Color Barrier

BY BEN WENDEL
STAFF WRITER

Hunter has announced major changes in
admissions policies in response to a recent complaint
by the Interdimensional Association for the Education
of Primary Colored People. The IAEPCP, founded in
1958, is a primary color advocacy organization that
includes Smurfs, Navi, and the entire town of
Springfield.
Traditionally, admission to Hunter is granted based on an entrance
exam administered in sixth grade. However the IAEPCP has recently leveled
allegations of bias towards students of secondary, tertiary and quaternary
backgrounds, citing the proportionally few primary colored students that score
well enough for admission. In response to these criticisms, the admissions
office has radically altered its admission procedure, setting aside places for
students from underrepresented primary colored backgrounds.
Color Barrier, continued on page 4

Elderly Citizens Sweep Field on Spirit Day

BY SARA GUAN
STAFF WRITER
In an unprecedented turn of
events, the annual junior-senior
football game was interrupted by a
large group of senior citizens sweeping
the football field.
What occurred was a result of a
miscommunication between Hunter
College High School and the nearby
Bear Mountain Retirement Center. A
scheduling overlap led to elderly residents from the retirement center heading
out to complete their daily sweeping exercises at the same time that Hunter
College High School was having its annual junior-senior flag football game.
Junior Laura Anderton was about to make a seven-yard touchdown
pass to her teammate when the game was interrupted by a horde of senior
citizens who walked onto the field. The elderly individuals were carrying
brooms and appeared to be laboriously sweeping the field of leaves and other
debris.
Its always frustrating when you lock eyes with your teammate, the
defense is wide open, you think you have a perfect touchdown pass and all of a
sudden a bunch of pensioner janitors are in your way, Anderton complained.
Seniors, continued on page 6

A Smurf at Hunter.

Seniors Defeat Juniors
12-0 in Friendship Bracelet
Making
See How to Make a Friendship
Bracelet without Friends
Page 3.14 >>


83.56% of Significant
Figures Feel Insignificant
See Nobody Cares
Page 99.99 >>


Study Finds Hunter Best
Ivy Feeder In City
See Terrified Students Run from
Raining Condiments, Giant Forks
Page 9 >>
Hurricane Sandy Drives
Subway Mice Diaspora
See Hunter Continues to Spill
Free Breakfast
Page 46 >>
2

Search Continues for Missing Week

BY SARAH LIU
STAFF WRITER

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Hunter added
another name to the list of the missing. The sixteen
year old lost week, standing about 7 days long and
weighing 168 hours, was last seen Oct. 27
th
.
Its disappearance was accompanied by
lightning, thunder,
and two feet of
rain. Despite
attempts by the
DOE to attribute
its absence to
Hurricane Sandy,
Hunter students
have begun a
massive search for
their friend and
colleague. We will not flag or fail, declared senior
Ione Gibbs, who led a group of almost twenty students
through piles of calendars in hopes of finding the lost
week. Larger search parties combed the city hoping to
coax the lost week from its hiding spot.
Weve got to find it, English teacher Reb
Saunders declared, taping missing persons posters to
telephone poles. We cant settle for 180 measly
school days!

Its 10PM. Do you know where your
weeks are?
Despite the search and rescue effort, both
internal and police investigations in search of the
missing week have yet to produce results. Having
ruled out foul play, truancy, and time warping, police
commissioner Rain Kelly doubted the possibility of
recovering the lost week. After the first 48 hours, the
chances of recovering a missing unit of time declines
rapidly, he explained, as he coordinated a calendar
stakeout. And right now, the odds are not in our
favor.
The lost weeks family, however, has not given
up hope. Im in complete shock, said its mother, the
third week of April 1965, through choked tears. We
just want our baby back. We know its out there. Can
you hear us, darling? Its father, December of 1963,
solemnly nodded. I cant help but feel that I could
have done something to prevent this. Maybe if I had
bought it that dollhouse that it wanted last year...
Close friends of the lost week say that it was happy,
compassionate, and full of life. It was always
cracking jokes and making me laugh, one upset
friend said. Im going to miss it so much. Teachers
only had positive things to say about the lost week. It
was truly a star student, and always had something to
contribute to class. It was going to go far.

If you know the whereabouts of or have any
information concerning the missing week, please call
the 24-hour missing persons hotline, 1-800-TIPS.

Portal to Alternate Dimension in Third
Floor Bathroom Closed

BY ADAM BUMAS
STAFF WRITER
Students rejoiced last week when the third
floor boys bathroom, closed since September to
safeguard a rip in the fabric of reality, was finally
reopened. The portal, which reportedly led to a world
where time, space and thought have no meaning, was
opened last summer when a group of unlucky
adventurers performed a ritual, concerning matters
Man was never meant to know. According to
contractors, the ritual was meant to summon godlike
beings in a futile attempt to bind them to a
practitioners will, and was believed to have gone
horribly wrong, leading to those responsible being
driven mad.
The inter-dimensional rift had been causing
strange and terrifying problems for the student
body. I have the last locker on the top left, right
around the corner from the bathroom. 9th grader
Marley Thotep told Chapter 11, It was fine, until this
one Tuesday in October, when- Thotep proceeded to
shiver uncontrollably for several minutes, adding The
sky, Lord in heaven, the sky, the sky! four times.
The portal was never an issue, Assistant
Principal Gary Roth said, his office enshrouded in an
eerie black mist. Anyway, its closed, so any
possible... incursion will have been averted. The mist
grew thicker and began to smell of sulfur. Roth is
currently unavailable for further comment. Im glad
that I dont have to go down a flight of stairs to use the
bathroom anymore. said 10th grader Bob Sothoth.
Also its nice to know that a malevolent being
beyond mere human comprehension isnt going to
swallow me and everyone I love in one motion of its
unearthly maw.
3

Ivy League Admissions Based Entirely
on Single High-Stakes Test

BY APRIL WEN
STAFF WRITER

Undermining a supposedly holistic approach to
college admissions, a handful of students on the East
Coast have been accepted to some of the nations most
selective private schools on the sole basis of
standardized test scores. In fact, the applications of
these students, as reported by Harvard, Yale, and
Princeton, were largely incomplete. One student from
Stuyvesant High School was even admitted to all three
schools despite the fact that his application, aside from
his SAT score, included only his college essay. Upon
internal investigation by The Common Application,
the essay was found to be grammatically horrendous
and in Swahili. What actually sealed the deal for the
Stuyvesant student, who wishes to remain anonymous,
was that he had applied under the Super Mature Early
Life Decision, a process that is detailed on the
Undergraduate Admissions web page of every Ivy
League school.
The significance of applying under SMELD,
however, was not apparent to all prospective students.
I remember reading about that early decision on
Princetons website, admits Goliath Waffles, a junior
at Brooklyn Technical High School. But it was at the
bottom of the page, and in really small, yellow Comic
Sans. After a while I gave up reading and moved on
with my life.
The crux of the controversial admissions
decisions was that all admitted SMELD applicants had
scored a 2500 on the SAT. Speaking on behalf of his
colleagues, Dean of Admissions Jon Gnome
explained:
We want to scoop up the students who can really
make a difference in their community, and guide
future generations in the right direction. When asked
about what that direction was, Gnome stifled a
nervous giggle and declined further comment.
For one student at Hunter College High
School, the parents had set the right direction even
before entering high school. Every semester since
seventh grade, they would hammer into me the idea
that Ivies were safety schools, says Rob Youff, a
current freshman and first student admitted to
Harvards class of 2017. By forcing Youff to consider
Ivies as his safety schools, my parents basically
informed my academic habits, which necessarily
included reckless time warping so that I could get
some sleep to keep me going.
Youff also expressed his concerns about the
risk of developing an academic apathy known
as senioritis, admitting that having receiving the
actual highest score possible on what my friends
usually refer to as Stereotypically Analytical Torture, I
feel like I deserve to chill, especially given what Ive
done to get that 2500. Youff declined further
comment when asked about his standardized test
preparation methods, promptly leaving the interview
for his next class.
But the numbers for the 2500 score dont seem
to add up. Its totally nuts, says Naoki Das, a current
sophomore at MIT. Ive taken enough math to know
that the extra 100 points, even if they did exist, would
mean an average increase of 33 and one third points
for each of the three sections. The College Board cant
handle such fractions.


Want to write for us?
Visit goo.gl/nan3l
(or, z3.invisionfree.com/Chapter_11)

4

Hunter Breaks Primary Color Barrier,
Continued from page 1

Smurffirmative action, as the movement is popularly
termed, has opened Hunters doors to students like
Brainy Smurf, the first blue student at Hunter. Other
specialized high schools, under similar pressure to
increase their chromatic
diversity, have followed
suit. Currently, there is
a Navi student
preparing to take the
SHSAT this year.
However,
smurffirmative action is
not without its critics.
Reactions from students about letting a Smurf into
Hunter has been mixed.

One ninth grader told Chapter 11, If he got in on merit
I am okay with that, but if not, I dont think
its right to admit a student based solely on his primary
color status. I worked hard to get into this school and if
a smurf does not have to work as hard to get in thats
unfair.
Another student, on the other hand, said that
Brainy is a cool kid, and I dont care if he got in based
on his degree of hue saturation. He deserves to be here
as much as anyone else.

Brainy is a cool kid, and I dont
care if he got in based on his
degree of hue saturation. He
deserves to be here as much as
anyone else.




Hunter Students Unwittingly Sign Away
Firstborns
BY CAROLINE YANG
STAFF WRITER

An administrative source revealed yesterday
that the bullying pledge signed by Hunter students in
September contained a clause handing over students'
rights to their firstborn children. By signing the
pledge, students have given Hunter College High
School the legal right to name, raise, educate, and
clean up after their firstborn infants.
In response to the pledge, junior Rumpel
Stiltskin asked, Pledge? Im much too busy for that.
By the way, do know when senior walkouts
happening? Im trying to strategically plan my lunch
around it. Freshman Walt Reid, on the other hand,
was elated: I was more than happy to sign the
bullying pledge. I can finally hang out on the senior
steps without fear, and not have to worry about inter-
grade conflict! When asked how he felt about giving
up his firstborn child, Reid frowned and tried to fist
bump a passing senior, who sidestepped him.

RealCare Baby isnt
enough anymore.
Of course, many students were outraged by the
pledge. "If I had known that I would have to give my
first child away to the administration, I would have
never signed the pledge in the first place! Closer
inspection of the pledge revealed that the clause was
clearly stated in boldface, underlined type. In fact, I
hereby relinquish the rights to my first born child to the
administration of Hunter College
High School is the only statement
on the page.
This is a violation of the
most basic of personal rights," said
sophomore Kate Dorian. "I'm
taking this all the way to Supreme
Court."
In response to student
backlash, the administration has
announced to hold an appeals
assembly for students who wish to reclaim their rights
to their first-born children. Students who have any
objections to the relinquishing of their firstborns are
invited to attend the assembly next Friday, Activities
and 5th period, in the cafeteria.


Chromatic Diversity Civil
Rights Symbol.
5



Special thanks to the PTA
for their generous grant!



March for Breakfast Freedom Reveals
Internal Conflict
Over Free Breakfast Program
BY MAX CHU
STAFF WRITER

On Friday morning, Hunters conservative
students began a quarter hour-long march from the
94th St. entrance to the foyer to protest the
administrations comprehensive free breakfast
program. Protesters were armed with signs and
American flags, decrying free breakfast as outright
socialism and not for Hunter.
Junior Ryan Rahm, organizer of the March
for Breakfast Freedom, released a statement about the
march today. We are tired of the liberal media and
government pushing our school into a culture of
dependency. Students should be able to provide their
own breakfast for themselves with minimal
intervention from the administration.
The community simply cannot financially
support these types of programs, Rahm continued,
citing an all-time low in Sings Delis quarterly
earnings and adding, the same can be seen with many
other small businesses in the area, such as Subways.
Rahm announced that he would support a voucher
program that allowed students to receive a discount on
the price of their breakfast from private businesses of
their choice.

Freshman Sarah Ayling, called the protest one
of the most important fights of our lifetimes, adding
that she felt obligated to participate. I mean, the free
breakfast program is literally communism. The lack of
social classes, the shared wealthits all there. We
spent, like, half a week on this in Global class, so I
totally know this is happening.

Socialist cream cheese, made
from fresh milk of the
proletariat.
Senior Barry Bidesmark, editor of
ThinkBreakfast.org, a blog supporting the program,
claims that the conservative students are getting
hyped up over nothing.
They should be welcoming
the administrations
decision to provide free
breakfast to all, not raging
over it.
Bidesmark, citing a
recent study by the
nonpartisan Student Health
Organization, noted that
Hunter ranks second to
last among the other specialized high schools in New
York City in access to breakfast, and this is a step in
the right direction. First period teachers are already
reporting more energetic students, and the number of
chewed pencils has already fallen by a groundbreaking
47%.
When asked to comment on the conflict,
breakfast distributor A. Slaughter smiled mysteriously.
Take some cream cheese, he insisted. The breakfast
comes with it.

6


Elderly Citizens, from Page 1
Despite student insistence, Mr. Coffee, the faculty
referee, refused to call a penalty after the seniors had
walked into the game. Instead, he called a timeout,
allowing them to gradually finish sweeping the
remainder of the field.
You try playing flag football
around a crowd of hobbling old
ladies, Ivana Haufman said. Its
not easy!
I think what the seniors did that day was
extremely admirable, Coffee said. They really
exemplified a dedication to community service and set
a good example for the kids.
The game eventually ended
with seniors beating juniors 12-0.
However, controversy emerged
over whether the hour-long
timeout had an effect on the
outcome of the game. We finally
had a chance to make a
comeback, sobbed a junior, and
then the timeout happened!
Seniors maintain that they
obtained no advantage after the
interruption. You try playing flag football around a
crowd of hobbling old ladies, Ivana Haufman said.
Its not easy!

Referee attempts
communication
with seniors
CLASSIFIEDS
Missed Connections - Lone Bear (Bear Mountain)
I saw you for the first time a few months ago, wearing a t-shirt with a zebra on it. You were stunning and
flashed me a brilliant smile, and from that moment on, I knew we needed to be together. I have been posting in
these classifieds, hoping one day youll tune in and see that Im your soul mate. You stood in front of me and I
wanted to chat but I didnt know what to say. I also got a little shy because your teacher was standing there too.
The weird thing was he didnt leave until you left. It was almost as though he thought you needed a chaperone.
Anyways, it gets lonely on Bear Mountain, which is a misnomer because besides me, its pretty much bare. I
think youre pretty and down-to-earth. When you left, I didnt want you to go. If you see this, meet me at the
lake tomorrow at noon. Winter is coming soon and you looked like you needed some sleep; hibernation buddy?

















7
Class of 2012 Matriculation Statistics

College
Number
Applied
Number
Accepted
Avg GPA
Accepted
Number
Enrolling What Seniors Said
Beelzebub University
of Purgatory 0 5 66.6 5
Oh god I'm sorry I'm sorry
somebody please help
Beethoven
Conservatory of Music
and Arts at Paris 17 3 92 3 Music's my passion
Boston Technical
Institute of Technology 512 13.33333 116.4 3
They're the only school that offered
a double major in Combinatorics and
Theoretical Chemistry
Clown College 2 2 2 2 My tour guide was really hot
Cornell College 40 23 93.7 5
Wait, this isn't the Ivy League
school?
Deep South University 28 14 93 5 The South will rise again!
Embarrassing
Community College 72 72 78 0
What are you talking about, I did
not apply to that school. Honest.
Kalamazoo College KA LA MA ZOO
Kalamazoo Kalamazoo
Kalamazoo!
Legacy University 4 1 85 1
All of my relatives attended here
since 1502 BC
Massachusetts Institute
for Mental Health and
Rehabilitation 10 3 95 2
Their low student teacher ratio
really attracted me
Nearby University of
New York at New York
City 596 87 91 55
My parents wanted me to stay close
to home
Oxford Institute of
Cosmetology 15 1 99.6 1
Six years of hard work finally paid
off!
School of
Pleaseapplytous 50 150 20.5 5 They sent me a free t-shirt!
State University of
Party 2 2 85.2 2 My tour guide was really hot
The Wharton School of
Stern 100 13 $100,000 12
It'll totally increase my expected
value
University of College 49 23 93.3 20 I'm undecided
University of North
Carolina at Westershire 24 17 91.1 15
There were six of them, so I guessed
the fanciest name
University of Reluctant
Safety 89 89 90.2 24
What are the acceptance rates for
transfers at Yale?
University of the
Arithmetic Mean 25 12.5 92.7 5.5
Their admissions process is really
fair
University of the Milky
Way--Omega Centauri 1 1 88 1
I just want to get away from the
city
Yarvardton University 623 13 96 14
My counselor said I could send
eight apps, so I sent eight here


8

Ping Hu
David Moon
Priscilla Guo
Ben Wendel
Sarah Liu
Adam Bumas
Max Chu
Editor-in-Chief
Managing Editor
Layout Editor
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Caroline Yang
Sara Guan
Will Thompson
Julian Rosenblum
Natalie Wagner
Romi Moors
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Contributor
Contributor
Clairvoyant
Clairvoyant
Faculty Advisor: Daniel Mozes


HOROSCOPES
v Aries: Mar. 21Apr. 19
You will go see Cymbeline, join Hunter Wrestling,
and attend all the luncheons scheduled for this
week. Chapter 11 is an unaffiliated, non-for profit
publication.

d Taurus: Apr. 20May 20
Changes will come to you later in the semester.
It will then fall on its knees and beg you for
forgiveness.

p Gemini: May 21Jun. 21
You might believe that otherworldly spirits are
contacting you, but really its just 3 AM and you
need to get some sleep.

t Cancer: Jun. 22Jul. 22
The stars can't believe you're getting lunch from the
halal cart for the third time this week. I mean,
really? Do you even know what white sauce is
made of?

n Leo: Jul. 23Aug. 22
Your term paper will, in fact, write itself.
Unfortunately, it only communicates in Hungarian.

b Virgo: Aug. 23Sept. 22
You will suffer a severe papercut for each time
you've posted your ask.fm on Facebook.

l Libra: Sept. 23Oct. 22
You put your left foot in; you put your left foot out.
You realize that the burning sensation youve been
having in your leg all week is probably a bad sign.

f Scorpio: Oct. 23Nov. 21
The stars think you should apply to eight reaches.
Go on, we wont tell anyone.

h Sagittarius: Nov. 22Dec. 21
When the going gets tough, the tough break down
crying hysterically because what did you do to get
assigned two essays, a lab, and four tests in one
week?

r Capricorn: Dec. 22Jan. 19
You've been putting off your FLE for so long that
it's evolved into a living organism and run away!
Sadly, your English teacher isn't that gullible.

x Aquarius: Jan. 20Feb. 18
If you start feeling the grind in A.P. Slacking,
consider switching to Honors Slacking. Youll save
your GPA, and colleges wont care either way.

j Pisces: Feb. 19Mar. 20
Equo ne credite, Teucri. Quidquid id est, timeo
Danaos et dona ferentes.



9










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