Andrea Ocampo

11/12/14
Communication
Communication Crash 2
Intro:
It is interesting to actually pay attention to the ways males and females converse, and
communicate with each other. There is a saying that states, men are from mars and women are
from Venus (Gray 9), and I am certain that this saying can be applied to the different
communication styles between men and women. The communication styles my boyfriend and I
use when telling a story, or talking to each other can be explained by Dr. Deborah Tannen in her
genderlect theory, that describes the ways women and men communicate in both public and
private conversation, and the ways both genders interpret and find different meaning in what
each other says (Tannen 27 1986). In this paper I will analyze the way I communicate with my
boyfriend, and the way he communicates with me, and determine the meaning Jack and I see in
each others communication style. I will then describe and compare the two different
communication styles, and determine ways our communication could improve in our
relationship.
Description of the Relationship:
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, or at least both of us like to think we
do. I would definitely describe him as my best friend, to whom I can tell anything and
everything to and I usually do. We do not live together, but for the most part we see, and get to
spend at least two or three hours a day together. We spend quality time at the end of the day
on the weekdays, and on the weekends we tend to double date with either his sister; a friend of
mine, or his best friend.
A normal afternoon together on a week day, I will usually go over to his house and a
normal conversation topic, or way to start a conversation is to ask each other how the day had
gone, and what we did. For the most part I begin talking about my day before he does, and I
usually give a really detailed, and descripted story about how my day went and what I did that
day, as well as including stories or maybe even an issue a friend had that day. About an hour
later, when I finish explaining my day, I remember to ask my boyfriend about his day hoping to
get a long detailed story. However, his idea of telling me a story about his day is usually very
undetailed and vague and nothing in comparison to mine. I would describe his way of telling a
story as the bullet points of an essay, and I would describe my communication skills as the
whole essay. When I tell jack a story I have the tendency to stop in the middle of my story to
check if he was listening to what I was saying, because his eye contact when listening to a story
of mine, always zones off when I begin to talk.

On the weekends Jack and I enjoy having group dates with our friends, where he usually
speaks out a lot more than I am used to hearing from him when we are hanging out one on
one. I notice that unlike what most people expect from the women to stay quite I have the
habit of being very outspoken in groups of people, and whether Im having a one on one
conversation of in a large group I will speak a lot, I guess you can describe me as someone who
enjoys being very social no matter the circumstance. With the genderlect theory not everything
is true about how women and men communicate many time something dont apply to all men
and women.
When my Boyfriend and I are not hanging out together, we turn to communicating via
phone call and text messaging. Over text messaging my boyfriend will have the tendency of
being extra sweet, more romantic, and slightly more talkative, I believe men do better in
communicating with someone if it is not face to face conversation. Whereas I prefer in person
interaction, I will have the habit of keeping my text messages short, and sweet, and if its a
phone call I will still talk a lot. Overall we have an amazing relationship where we will very
rarely fight, but every now and then we like to argue about silly non important things that are
not offensive and will not harm the relationship we have with each other.
Conversation Style:
In Dr. Deborah Tannens genderlectic theory the idea of reports versus rapport is
brought up. Rapport is described as building a connection and looking and sounding more
engaged, and report meaning more of a status or task. Along with this females are classified as
falling under the rapport category and it describes females like myself, as wanting to form more
of a connection in intimate settings, or one on one (Tannen 76 1990). Females are much more
focused on feelings and expressiveness, and are more likely to initiate a conversation. In my
description of Jack and mines relationship I describe him as being my best friend who I can tell
everything to. This is because girl have the tendency to share information with their best
friends, and so I was doing likewise, I established a relationship with Jack and I feel comfortable
having a one on one conversation with him.
Men are normally associated with a report style of conversing. A guy feels the need to
establish status when conversing or communicating with others, and enjoy out doing the other,
and feeling powerful and dominant in a relationship, and use that ideology when
communicating with others whether it be in a group or more of a one on one intimate setting
(Tannen 121 1986). Men will usually do more detailed conversing in a group of people rather
than one-on-one settings. Where women usually make eye contact and say things to sound
engaged in a conversation, men will usually look distracted and possibly even dazed when
listening to someone else in a conversation. Women often misunderstand how men
communicate because, mens communication style in a way is opposite from what women
classify and portray engaged communication to be. An example of this in my relationship is
when is ask my boyfriend to repeat what I said to him because his non engagement and dazed

look he makes when I speak to him, gives me the feeling, as if he is not listening and not paying
attention to what I had to say.
Communication Strategy:
When I communicate with Jack and we have a misunderstanding, I will make sure to
reinforce myself in making sure that he is engaged, by stopping in the middle of the
conversation and making him reevaluate what I had just said. What Jack does to communicate
with me is he will try and pick small dumb pointless fights with me and sometime even throw
friendly banter at me just to have some excitement in our relationship. After being with jack for
so long I have gotten used to, and tend not to be very mindful of the silly banter he uses when
communicating. The best way of improving the communication between both men and women
is to understand each others communication style. Understanding how both genders interpret
the meaning of a form of communication will reduce the misunderstanding.
Power:
I dont believe that there is a power imbalance between Jack and I in our relationship.
We are both understanding in how we communicate and our styles of communication and have
even adopted some characteristics from each others communication style, we have both
report and rapport ways of communication and do not tend to just stick to one way of
understanding each other. I would say that at times there is a power imbalance because of the
slight one year age difference and my strong personality which shifts the power to me. Aside
from that both of us have learned over time how the other person interprets stuff and how to
be equal in the relationship.
Conclusion:
As I mentioned in the beginning of this essay I normally do not pay attention to the
everyday things jack and did and said when we would communicate with each other. I have
learned that to really understand the opposite sex, one must learn and understand the ways
they communicate, and what the actions and thing they say really mean, to avoid a huge
misunderstandings. I also learned to differentiate rapport and report in genders. I feel that both
genders would really benefit from adopting each others communication style and would make
understanding between genders much easier. Overall males and females view and interpret
things differently, the reason for this lies in the ways of communication and also lies in the way
society and maybe even the way peoples minds are wired.

Citations:
Gray, John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding
the opposite Sex. New York: HarperCollins, 2004. Print.
Tannen, Deborah. "Deborah Tannen: Gender-specific Language Rituals." YouTube. YouTube, 27
Dec. 2013. Web. 12 Nov. 2014.
Tannen, Deborah. That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Your
Relations with Others. New York: Morrow, 1986. Print.
Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. New York,
NY: Morrow, 1990. Print.