Jeremy Bauer

10/01/2013
Adult Lord
Fun fact: the origin of the word lord is loaf-keeper. Picture that. One man with a loaf of
bread gloating to all those sans-sandwiches, toast, croutons. The word lord isnt used very
often, though it offers a superior way to describe personal rulings. Mostly, we hear Dear Lord,
Drug Lord, and Vice Lord. Those are pretty accurate. But we are in need of a proliferation
of lords. For instance, we are all Night Lords, Light Lords. Everyone has known ME Lords and
Shit Lords, Skeez, Booty, and Dong Lords. There is an increasing number of Hoard Lords,
Numb Lords, and Lone Lords. Sometimes its good to personify problems. Then you can meet
that problem in your dark alley and Justice/Shiv/Bludgeon Lord that problem away. Or, embrace
your lordship to its richest. Be as the used beer can that embraces the sea, the one-room
apartment tenant that doesnt need cable to feel love.
In my in-laws town, there used to be a computer repair shop called COMPU-MAGE. I never
went, but it was my favorite figment to conjure. Its gone now. I guess the mage was defeated,
probably by some 84-bit dragon, or Windows Vista the lich king, or maybe they just changed the
name when finally someone summoned the arch demon GROW-UP, one of the most evil and
also not evil of demons.
Part of my therapy is I have things I need to tell you. When within three feet of me, this black
tunnel erupts from my face. This tunnel looks to be only three feet in length, but the closer one
gets to the end, the longer it extends, till were stuck in an awkward chronal loop, a party of
never meeting, never deleting the spaces between my word and yours.
There was country line dancing in the living room. There wood-paneled walls and a woodpaneled TV. There was playing Duck Hunt while Mom cut my hair a bowl cut. Together with my
lengthening face, my head would look like a young acorn.
The lawn has a high fade, the soil a tarantula problem. Chrome fangs drip little grills from the
window. You never told me if you like the gerbil-fur coat I made you. It took 64 gerbils. My
favorite part of it is how you can see how every gerbil contributed. And that the zipper goes
straight down the middle of a strip of pelts, offering the possibility that all the gerbils were also
wearing gerbil fur coats. Just like yours.