I returned to consciousness at a lantern shining right in my face. Although I had returned from Wonderland, I was still stuck. Disappointing; I desperately wanted to say all manner of impolite things to whomever was holding that infernal light. An old woman leaned over me, examining my face. She was utterly thin, nearly skeletal, (although the hunch of her back added some volumie) and her nose had the dimensions and shape of a baked potato. This thought only made me hungry, for I'd not been able to eat in days. She waved a hand in front of my eyes and prodded me on the cheek, whistling under her breath. "You're bound to be here a long time, dearie." How rude! By God's nails, were I not frozen to the spot I would have slapped her! : "Might I introduce myself?” she said. "Nurse Priss Witless, at your service." She sbook my hand, or, at least, attempted to. My arm strained involuntarily against her grasp; my body refused to break from its shell of stillness. "And what would your name be, now?"From the little smile, she clearly knew what my answer, or lack thereof, would be. She paused a moment, baring her rotting teeth in a grin. "0b, I forgot; you can't speak, can you? How silly of m With that she giggled, turned on ber heel, and bobbled off, leaving me still frozen and utterly indignant. eR T asked around a bit at breakfast (for I was finally un-stuck by then). From what I could gather, my experience with Nurse Witless was nothing out of the ordinary. "A bloody creep, that one," Sophie said, gnawing on the crust of her bread. The other girls nodded in agreement. "To her Lace it's Nurse Priss or Nurse Willess," MyrLle said, aud then lowered her voice with a smile. "To us it's Nurse Piss." “A bit coarse,” I said, “but altogether fitting.” "Fair warning, though,” Sophie said, "the 'Witless' part isn't so accurate. She may seem dim, but she can be quite clever when it comes to lying and getting drink money or whatever it is she wants.” I squirmed in my seat a little at Sophie's dismissive tone. I myself had often come close to an addiction to gin--really, the only thing that saved me was the fact that I couldn’t often afford it. Would these people, the few human beings willing to put up with me, still tolerate my presence if they knew? Surely sharing one trait with Nurse Witless didn’t make me as unpleasant as ber... Did it?It didn’t matter what the truth was. The thoughts of death had entered my mind and staked a claim. I slumped against my hand and imagined slitting my wrists. “You all right, Alice?” Myrtle asked. I shot upright and forced a smile. “As well as I can be in a place like this. What were you saying?” "Nurse Witless. She accused Viola of ‘breaking curfew! for being awake at night,” Myrtle said. "Tbe matron took ber rations for a day, and Nurse Piss fed 'em to the pigeons." “Greedy lurker.” Viola lay face down on her “bread” and “patter*t00 exhausted to speak more than a few words. "But enough about her," Myrtle said. "What's up with you? You've spent two days staring at the ceiling." "I'm fine, really," I said. Eager to change the subject, I added: "The bread's awfully chalky today, isn't it?" "You're really okay?" Theodora asked. "We were terribly worried for you." I sighed. "I don't know, all right?" "Honest?" Myrtle said. "It's all right, we won't mock you for it if you tell us more.” "Ob please tell!" Viola pleaded. "I've never seen anything like that before! "I told you, I don't fucking know what happened!"My voice rose before I realised what I was saying. "Just because I'm madder than you doesn't give you the right to gawk at me like I'm an animal at a thase words Ee ae auithar of the ites lord pt pale #7 orogeny we wenn at fied at Reta de had a my of rabing 10 the angriast oti RN ee leas tore occasions, Tern wan oer patlanls rashiog fran Ha\dlnloy saanite Panthsodding zoological park!" Nurse Deane appeared then, looming behind me, and I realised how much mischief I’d gotten myself into. "In the name of all things sacred, Miss Liddell, you are a Jady/Such language is not appropriate” "Oh, beg pardon!" I’d lost control of my mood so suddenly! No doubt I was in for—ob goodness, what would they do to me? Send me to the basement ward? I felt my hands trembling, and shoved them into the pockets of my dress. "You two!" Nurse Deane turned to address two nearby orderlies. "Would you mind taking this one to a padded room?" My word!1 thought. 4 padded room? How archetypically mad! "Yes ma'am,” the orderlies said, almost in unison, each taking one of my arms. They were two men, one tall and the other short, both very fat. I presumed they were brothers, as similar as they appeared. They reminded me of two men whom I had once met in my childhood visits to Wonderland. Thus, I nicknamed the tall one Tweedledee and the short one“Now, Alice,” Nurse Deane said, “would you give me that dress?” “Excuse me?” Being made to undress in a bathing room was one thing, but in the dining ball? In front of dozens of people, both male and female, all of whom were staring? ‘Tweedledee gave a giggle that seemed too high-pitched for his enourmous frame. “You heard me,” Nurse Deane said. “You're having a fit; you'd ruin that dress in five minutes if I let you.” This, of course, was utter hogwash, and I’m sure Nurse Deane knew it. To think I'd considered her one of the kindlier nurses! The heat of my face surely gave away my apprehension, but I kept my mouth stern and looked the nurse straight in the eye as I pulled the dress over my head and banded it over. The Tweedles laughed again. I still had on my dreadful canvas shift, and Nurse Deane, thank goodness, allowed me to keep it, but it didn’t feel like enough. I crossed my arms and pressed my half-exposed knees together in a feeble attempt at modesty. “Very well,” the nurse said. “You may go now.” Before I bad time to question her choice of words, the Tweedles grabbed me by the elbows and dragged me out the door. “Let go of me! You're hurting my arms." I wanted to struggle, but both of my escorts were enormous, and I had nowhere to run to. "No need to complain, Miss. You get yer own private room for the day!" Tweedledum said. "It's even padded, so they won't hear you cussin’." “Hey, why not try saying to us what you said to that little girl outa ea y there?" Tweedledee licked his lips. “That was crazy... I like crazy.” "T'd rather not," I muttered. “Aw, come on! I'd repay you, in my own little way." Tweedledee used his free hand to tug at the hem of my shift. "If you know what I mean.” I tried my best not to imagine what bedding with bim would feel like, and found some distraction in noting that we were headed towards a door labeled WARD FOR NOISY PATIENTS. “Ugh! You be a gentleman!" Tweedledum scolded. ‘Tweedledee raised an eyebrow. "But you said yourself that-—" "This is how you scared off that one in Ward D the other day," Tweedledum whispered, as though he thought that would prevent me from hearing him. "Don't be so direct about it!” "Oh, right." Tweedledee grinned sheepishly. "Won't let this one get away, promise.” 7 A J ‘ey Z "Good." Tweedledum g gd Wijip Aen: a hij ZG Y "Your room, Milady." t Y) he, V/; iY 4 iy" UN ‘ } YY Z 4 Pa Y He slammed the i 4 Y ; door behind him. opened a heavy door and shoved me inside. I hunkered down on the floor, patting | my bands to my burning face. What perverts, gong after my maidenhood without eveneven introducing themselves! And how horrible of me to curse at a child as young as Viola’ She and the other girls were indeed rude, but not so much as to deserve that. What the hell was wrong with me? I leaned back on the wall, trying to arrange myself comfortably. One would think a room made entirely of cushions would be at least somewhat pleasant, but, to the contrary, it was more along the lines of musty, oddly sticky, and a little bit squishy. Even if I bad been able to find a comfortable spot, the silence was even more infuriating. The ambient sounds of the asylum were far from pleasant, of course, but that all-consuming silence felt even worse. Someone could have stood outside my door and screamed, and I don’t think I’d bave beard a thing. At least, nothing but the blood rushing in my ears, and a cacophony of distorted voices in my head. In that dark, dreamlike state, I could neither see nor bear anything to distract me from the deadly specter of my thoughts. Before too long I was a guilty emotional wreck. My incarceration in the Ward for Noisy Patients lasted only the course of breakfast, after which Doctor Wilson allowed me out for an examination. By then, I didn't want to leave my cell. I made myself so miserable that I couldn’t bear speaking to another human being. Isat across from bis desk, but I did not look bim the eyes. I felt unworthy to view anyone as an equal."I heard what happened this morning,” he said. He spoke with neither anger nor sympathy. "Care to explain?" I shook my head no. "There's no excuse, Doctor. It's in my nature." "I see." He folded his hands and rested his chin atop them. "What exactly is it in your nature that caused you to lose your temper?" "T'm just a crazy bitch with no sense of decency.” I spoke quietly, trying my hardest not to cry. "I always have been and I always will be. You and I both know there isn’t any hope.” "If you were incurable,” the doctor said. "You'd already be in the ward for such cases." "Then why haven't you sent me there already?" I cried. "Go on, send me over now! Shut me up in some miserable padded cell for the rest of my life! It's merely what I deserve!” "And what would make you deserve that?" Doctor Wilson stared into my eyes, sternly enough to make me squirm a bit. "Other than this morning's incident--which, though improper, is forgivable given the circumstances——I've seen nothing indicating that you could be an entirely cruel person. Care to offer more examples?" I paused a long time, racking my mind for more. I knew there was far more wrong with me than ordinary slips of mood! I felt it my gut; everything about me was wrong! But I couldn’ seem to put that feeling into rational-sounding words. I thought of one thing I had done, but it was so horrible that I could not bear to speak of it, so I came up with some more benign things. "Sometimes I drink more than a lady ought to," I told him. "And I'mathief, too.” He nodded. "I've seen your arrest record. All minor things. And nothing unexpected, given the circumstances.” "It's more than just that! I--" My throat closed up. I didn't want to tell bim. I didn't want to tell anyone. But I had to confess. Then, surely, I'd get whatever justice I deserved. Much to my embarrassment, my face contorted, and tears burst forth from my eyes. And with them, my secret burst from my mouth. "I--I killed my family!" My voice rose to a yell in the effort of getting the words past the lump in my throat. Wilson's brow rose—-the first display of astonishment I bad yet seen from him. "Whatever do you mean? You told me before that they died in an accidental fire.” "That hardly means I can’t blame myself." I pulled in a few long breaths, trying, in vain, to calm myself to the point where my breath no longer caught in my throat. "Had I not been so childish and careless..." Wilson frowned. "Would you mind telling me about this fire?"