Roles Leaders Play

Managing Relationships Effectively

Dr John Kenworthy

Roles Leaders Play

celsim.com
Action Guides are designed to provide you with simple and
straightforward steps to develop in a particular area of your leadership.
Dr John Kenworthy All Rights Reserved
Published by Corporate Edge Asia Pte Ltd.
No part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any
form or by any means, or stored in any database or retrieval system
without the prior written permission of Corporate Edge Asia Pte Ltd.
If you need permission, youll have to ask. Ask, because you never
know (we may say yes).
The information in this document is accurate to the best of our
knowledge at the time of writing. As a reader you need to accept full
responsibility for your actions and should consult with a professional
about your own circumstances before following anything in the book.
Results are not guaranteed (Heck, nothing in life is guaranteed).
Further, the author and publisher have used their best efforts to proof
and confirm the content of the files, but you should proof and confirm
information such as dates, measurements, and any other content for
yourself. The author and publisher make no warranties of any kind,
express or implied, with regard to that content or its accuracy.
For more information, please write to:
Corporate Edge Asia Pte Ltd
10 Anson Road, #26-04
Singapore 079903
Phone: 65 6659 9887 (If you need to call, check the time in SG before
calling).
E-mail: john.kenworthy@celsim.com
Website: www.celsim.com | Facebook & Twitter: drjohnkenworthy
Published in Singapore (Where else?). Any person flouting the above
rules, will be liable for copyright infringement, plus will be sent (at your
own cost of course) to pick panda dung at the Singapore Zoo.

2|Page

Contents
Contents ........................................................................................................ 3
"And what do you do?" .................................................................................... 4
Normal role development ................................................................................. 4
Roles we play can be Constructive, Fragmenting or Ambivalent. ......................... 5
Role Deficiencies ............................................................................................. 7
Pseudo Roles ............................................................................................... 7
Mega roles .................................................................................................. 8
Developing alternate behaviours ....................................................................... 9

Copyright 2015 Dr John Kenworthy All Rights Reserved - www.celsim.com

Page |3

Roles Leaders Play

"And what do you do?"

How many times have you been
asked this question? How many
times have you asked it? My
guess is more than once or twice.
When answering this question,
most people respond with their
job title or their job function: I'm
a banker, I'm the CEO, I'm a
teacher. Or they launch into their
'elevator pitch'. We define
ourselves often by the major role
we play in life. And you know that you are much more than your job: I'm a CEO,
husband, lover, uncle, child, brother, skier, scuba diver, teacher, sleeper, trainer,
coach, friend, driver, passenger, dog-walker, saxophonist, cook, customer, eater,
cleaner, golfer, author, writer, musician, listener, talker, leader, manager,
accountant, salesman, communicator, website builder... and that's just the more
positive ones today. Am I good at all these? Not all, and not always. There are days
when my golf, for example, is fluent and near perfect; today was not one of those
days. Today, I was a "shank it in the water, find every bunker, slice it out of
bounds" golfer.

Normal role development

Everyone plays a number of roles in their
relationships with others. The essence of
personality, according to Raimundo, is the
sum of the roles I play.
As a leader, the way we relate to other people is through a role. The role we play
must be complementary and must include a common link. My effectiveness as a
leader is dependent on the efficacy of the relationship which is the link between the
roles. It is the "power" between me and another.
When we have two complementary roles relating to each other, a link is formed and
is the channel of interaction; enabling the role to mature and grow stronger.
The strength of the link depends on the role we are playing each time we relate
through the link, the role we are playing is developed. Some of the roles we play are
poorly developed, some are well-developed. The good news is that we can develop
less developed roles and so improve the effectiveness of our relating.
Our most developed roles are usually so because we have experience with a more
established and complementary role. A good Father-Son relationship develops a
strong son role and, in recognition of the strong role model, transfers to a strong
father role later in life as well as strengthening the role of the father.
4|Page

Roles we play can be Constructive, Fragmenting or Ambivalent.

Constructive role development is a normal expectation as we exercise our roles in a
complementary relationship.

In the ideal relationship, both parties have well-developed roles and are relaxed
with each other allowing and enabling the link to be formed, and the power of the
relationship (and hence the roles themselves) develop.
Think about the well developed roles you exercise and on any roles that you think
are poorly developed. What enables (or restricts) your development of these roles?
The effect of anxiety on personal space and role development
Everyone has a space around
them that we perceive belongs to
us, our personal space. I'm sure
that you have met someone who,
you felt, was a little too close.
Perhaps someone who put their
face close to yours and made you
feel intimidated or scared? I recall
a sales meeting with a particular
CEO, who talked to me with his
face 2 inches from mine and kept
it there the entire time. I honestly
thought he was going to head-butt me.
When we are relaxed and at peace, our personal space contracts, other people can
be closer, both physically and emotionally.
When we are fearful or anxious, our personal space expands.
So when that CEO came in physically close, I became tense and needed even more
space than normally, making the situation more anxious.

Copyright 2015 Dr John Kenworthy All Rights Reserved - www.celsim.com

Page |5

Roles Leaders Play

When our personal space expands through fear or anxiety, this can interrupt or
distort the operation of a particular role. In my own example above, my normal,
well-developed sales role was smothered, and I wanted to run from the meeting.
A (sadly) frequent example we hear from clients is the expansion of personal space
after coming back home exhausted each evening from work and being unable to
relate to a son or daughter as a parent. As a parent, I have three possible
responses.
1. Attack or withdraw (a reptilian, knee-jerk, emotional response).
2. Adopt a better-developed role such as that of teacher or manager.
3. Adopt a pseudo role.
Whichever the choice, the parent role does not develop if it is not used.

Consider the times that you feel the need for more
personal space. What role were you playing? What role
was the other person playing?

6|Page

Role Deficiencies
Pseudo Roles
A pseudo role is a copied, non-integrated role. It does not develop because it is not fuelled by
the actions, emotions, feelings and thinking associated with "normal" role. Such roles are not
part of the "self" or "ego", they are roles we adopt to cope with certain situations.

Pseudo-roles do not become integrated into the self which only incorporates authentic roles.
They are especially evident with people who have suffered high-stress levels without the
freedom to respond appropriately, and they frequently become protection mechanisms.
The good news about pseudo-roles is that, the self (the ego) drops them when they are no
longer necessary. A little like not needing a crutch after the leg has healed from an injury.
Relationships built on one (or both parties) pseudo role are doomed. The link may initially appear
to be there, but they automatically and rapidly deteriorate or dissipate when people find new
positions or new friends or a new partner.
More often than not, coaches unaware of this, challenge pseudo-roles directly as if they were
integrated authentic roles. This is unhelpful as the owner of the pseudo-role will have significant
skill in maintaining the charade. Indeed, for some, just attending a coaching session or
counselling or as simple as a performance review or meeting with the boss can create an
atmosphere of heightened tension expanding personal space. It is not possible to reach a
person through this space.
Think of a time when you have used a pseudo role. What was the situation? How long did the
relationship last?

Copyright 2015 Dr John Kenworthy All Rights Reserved - www.celsim.com

Page |7

Roles Leaders Play

Mega roles
Often at the expense of other roles,
mega roles are overdeveloped. Such
roles dominate due to a lack of
stimulation of other roles. And once
dominant, can prevent other roles
from becoming stimulated.
A frequently heard example of a
mega role I hear from clients is
managing my children.
The role of manager is welldeveloped, and we may use this when a more appropriate role, such as parent is not so well
developed. We can become a specialist and only function effectively as a specialist.

A coach, for example, who knows only how to relate to people as a coach, may have poorly
developed roles as a friend, or spouse tending to coach a friend rather than just be a friend.

Think of a time when you have played a mega role or

recall one that you have experienced.

8|Page

Developing alternate behaviours

The first step, in developing appropriate behaviours in a relationship, is to recognize the roles of
each party. Every role played is always in relation to a counter role. A parent role is often
appropriately countered by a child role, teacher-student, manager-staff, colleaguecolleague.
And, we need to consider how the role is being played: For example, a Concerned Parent
could be countered by an Obliging Child that is likely to work. However, a Concerned
Manager countered by a Resentful Staff is likely to have some relationship issues.
It is often the how part of doing a particular role that people find the most difficulty in
developing. The role itself may stay the same, but the way of playing that role, can change.
So first, we examine the role we are playing and how we are doing it. Is the role I am playing
constructive? Is it fragmenting? Is it ambivalent?
Then we can examine the counter role being played by the other person in the relationship.
Thirdly, we can examine what we need to change to move the relationship forward. Do I change
the role that I am playing? Do I change how I am doing that role? Do I change both?
Consider the following roles and counter roles and what could change to improve the
relationship:
Fearful Leader
Procrastinating Manager
Patronizing colleague
Loving Disciplinarian
Gentle Clarifier
Pushy Salesperson
Demanding Boss

Resentful Staff
Stressed out Team member
Boastful friend
Guilty Liar
Impatient Interrupter
Doubtful Prospect
Fearful Child

From this table you can see that some roles we play are constructive, both the role and the
how are positive (e.g. Gentle Clarifier). Others are fragmenting, both the role and the how are
negative (e.g. Guilty Liar). And some are ambivalent, either the role or the how are negative
(e.g. Patronizing -ve Colleague +ve).

It is often the ambivalent roles that destroy relationships.

Are there any positive roles that you regularly play in a
negative way?
Once we clarify perceptions (and remember that your perception is your reality just as their
perception is their reality!), the roles and counter roles can be unravelled and resolved.
Each and every day, we play a number of roles. If we want our relationships to
develop, then it is in our interests to develop the appropriate (and constructive)
roles that enable those relationships to grow.

Copyright 2015 Dr John Kenworthy All Rights Reserved - www.celsim.com

Page |9

Roles Leaders Play

Thanks so much for reading this guide if you have any feedback or comments you
can reach me at john.kenworthy@celsim.com.

John

To learn more about our

Talent Management and
Coaching programmes, visit
us at www.celsim.com

10 | P a g e

If you find anything that bugs you, please click on the

bug above to send me an email. Nothing is too small or
too big. And if I can, Ill be sure to fix it. Email me at:
john.kenworthy@celsim.com

celsim.com

Corporate Edge Asia Pte. Ltd. 10 Anson Road, #26-04, Singapore 079903
Tel: 65 6659 9887|Email john.kenworthy@celsim.com
Facebook|Twitter: drjohnkenworthy

Copyright 2015 Dr John Kenworthy All Rights Reserved - www.celsim.com

P a g e | 11