Do you ever wonder why so many people are unhappy with their lives?
Why they are in completely different fields than they want to be in? Why
they went into a field their parents wanted them to be in, but they hated? It
is because they were raised in an environment where they felt the love of
their parents was conditional. The psychologist, Carl Rogers, called this
concept conditions of worth: these individuals were shown that they were
only loved conditionally by their parent, so they did what their parents
wanted in order be loved by them.
As children, we instinctually want the love and affection of our parents
and siblings. We do things that we aren't interested in, just to be praised and
shown affection. We accept our incongruence because we are afraid to be
rejected by our love ones and are taught at an early age that we are only
loved when the conditions of others are met. My friend, Kat, belongs to a
family that has a heavy focus on academics and education. When she
receives an A on a test or assignment, her parent praise her and she is
shown physical affection; when she receives a lower grade, affection is
withheld and her parents physically distance themselves from her. Kat has
learned that she is only loved when her grades are excellent. This learned
behaviour may result in Kat feeling that she only has worth when she pleases
her parents. These are her condition of worth; she is only worth the love of
her family when she achieves excellent grades. The results of this selfconcept could lead to low self-esteem and self-confidence, as well as
depression in the future if she doesnt meet her goals. In an ideal world, Kats
parents would love and accept her no matter what she did or did not do:
unconditional positive regard.Carl Rogers believed that to be a mentally
healthy individual, you needed to have someones unconditional positive
regard. He believed that if you did possess this regard from someone, you
self-concept would be positive and you would be a fully functioning person:
well-adjusted and happier. I refer you to Shakespeares definition of faithful
and loyal love: Sonnet 116.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
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