Andi Lynch

Fam In Society Paper

March 2, 13
Testing the Water: The impact of the culture and the church: on
cohabitations and the impact on marriage and the family
We live in a world that is constantly changing, with things that
constantly changing we feel a need to try things out just to see if they
would work. After all if you were going to buy a car that is a big
purchase wouldnt you like to test drive it to make sure that you fit well
with the car and that the car works properly. This is the view that
many young couples have toward cohabitating and marriage. Does
cohabitation before marriage mean a better marriage in the long run or
is it setting the couple up for failure down the road? The culture
around us has a huge affect on couples decision to live together as well
as churches for Christians but which one has more of an influence?
In the past couples that decided to cohabitate with each other
was seen as living is sin and they tried to stay under the public
awareness radar. However this is not the case, people are able to
rationalize different reasons for cohabitation and are now more open to
enter into that situation because it makes sense to them. Statistics
show that in the 1960s around 450,000 unmarried couples lived
together and now there are more than 7.5 million couples living
together. (NYT.com) That is an increase of over 1,500 percent, what

has changed so much within the last 52 years to have such an increase
on cohabitation? 2002 researchers Casper and Bianchi have come up
with four generalized reasons why a couple would cohabitate, the first
is its an alternative to marriage, second precursor to marriage, third
its a trial marriage, and forth it co-residential dating.
When the average person thinks of reasons to cohabitate with
someone the main reason is to test out what marriage will be like with
that person. This is not the only reason to try cohabitation anymore.
Some individuals never wish to be married, however they do want to
have and rear children. They see the strong and important influence
that a family with two parents has for the growing child and decide
that they want the two-parent relationship for their child. The logical
answer for them is to cohabitate with someone who will help raise the
child with them and live in the same house but never be married to.
On paper this idea seems fine but when lived out this can be a disaster
for the entire family. Cohabitation is generally less stable than
marriage and thus presents higher risks for children to experience
parental separation. (Manning & Lichter, 1996; Morrison & Ritualo,
2000) Without the union of marriage the couple is not committed to
each other and has a much higher chance of separating causing the
whole family to suffer.
The second reason that a couple goes into a cohabitating
lifestyle is a precursor to marriage. What normally happens is this the

couple finds out how much cheaper, convenient and easier it is to live
together rather than in different houses. They move in together not
because they want to test out a marriage but because it is cheap and
easy for the both of them. A lot of times couples find they cant
pinpoint why they decided to move in together to them it just
happened. Couples find themselves sliding into cohabitation because
it seems like the next step in the relationship. An article in the New
York Times put it this was Moving from dating to sleeping over to
sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not
marked by rings or ceremonies or sometimes even a conversation.
Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what
it will mean. What is interesting is that women and men have a
completely different view on cohabitation generally women feel that
cohabitation is a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to
see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment One
thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for
a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse. (NYT.com)
Generally this lack of communication and over expectations for the
relationship will create lots of tension for the couple however even
though couples are not happy living together they still get married
because they do not know how to get out of the situation that they are
in. Many times couples who cohabitate share many different things

pets, furniture, bills etc the more things that they share the harder it
is for one to leave.
The most thought of reason that couples cohabitate is to test out
a future marriage. What is interesting is the fact that the standards for
a live-in partner are lower than what the person has for a spouse. If
you do live with someone to see if a marriage would work why would
you expect anything different after you are married? Another article
from CNN states It's possible that if you feel the need to "test" the
relationship, you may already know in your heart of hearts that it's not
meant to be. It's also likely that people who move in together have
different values than those who don't; if you're very religious, you're
less likely to cohabit, but you're also less likely to consider divorce an
option when times get tough. Many people believe that cohabitation
is a good idea because it will tell you if your marriage will be better,
they think that cohabitation is like testing the waters of marriage.
However research has found this to not be true. According to the
research conducted by the University of Denver in 2009 the found that
19 percent of the couples who'd lived together before marriage had
contemplated divorce, compared with 12 percent of couples who'd
lived together after their engagement and 10 percent of couples who
didn't share space until after marriage. Additionally, the couples that
lived together pre-marriage reported lower levels of marital
satisfaction. The DU results are consistent with other studies on the

subject, which have found a similar risk for divorce and poorer
communication and problem-solving skills in couples who cohabited.
The last reason for cohabitating according to Casper and Bianchi
is co-residential dating. This generally means that the couple moves in
together as an alternative to being single. They do not want to get into
a serious relationship because they consider themselves too young
to be married or have kids yet. Like a precursor to marriage they move
in together because it is easy and it cheaper to live together than to
not.
Cohabitation has increased because of the two major views of
marriage that the culture has picked up. One view the low view
stated that marriage was an unnecessary-or even stifling-formality
that would only spoil the passionate, pure love of a young couple.
(Stanton, The Ring Makes All The Difference) The high view of
marriage states that marriage is something very sacred and they do
not want to mess it up so they will cohabitate to try the relationship
out to see if it will go anywhere. Sadly the culture has had the more of
an impact on people because of the more time people spend in it
compared to church. Most people who are very religious tend to not
cohabitate this is because of the churchs stand on cohabitation and
how sacred the gift of marriage is. Due to the lack of church exposure
in the culture the church has little effect on couples decisions to
cohabitate or not. In reality society is being shaped by the culture.

People are learning that morally there is such a big gray area that
you can come up with your own morals. According to Jones a founding
pastor of Crossline Community church in Mission Biejo more and more
cohabitating couples are showing up in churches because they have a
different moral perspectivethats because living together has
become a part of the culture for so long that some younger people,
especially those whose families are unchurched, have no idea about
the biblical mandates of celibacy outside of marriage. Most people
are not growing up in a Christian setting and have no knowledge of the
biblical principles of the marriage relationship or chastity. However
even a Christian can make the mistake of cohabitation at a time when
the economy may beckon couples-even Christians- to move in together
to save expenses. (Arnold) With most of the population not being
Christian or not truly understanding what Christianity really means,
how do churches try to counteract the culture that states that
cohabitation is ok?
Churches are in the awkward situation of wanting the couple to
be a happy God focused family, and wanting the sin of cohabitation to
stop. The document Faithful to Each Other Forever states two
extremes are to be avoided (1) immediately confronting the couple and
condemning their behavior and (2) ignoring the cohabitation aspect of
their relationship. The majority of policies and practices follow a
middle way between the two extremes, one that integrates general

correction with understanding and compassion. As the quote says

most churches dont condemn the cohabitating couple as they walk
through the door, however they do not accept the sin of cohabitation
either. Churches meet people where they are at and Jones states,
we need them to connect to Jesus, stay connected to Jesus, and that
means to do that is through grace and truth. What churches are
doing now to change the minds of couples that are cohabitating is
teaching them through marriage classes what the Bible and God says
about living together before marriage. Bob Kline a senior pastor at
Mountain Biew Community Church says We talk through the biblical
perspective of intimacyusing a compassionate approachshould not
be mistaken as watering down the gospel. We have high biblical
standardsbut, because of how we love them and what we teach
them, they begin to realize what they are doing is not right. The Bible
standards are expressed in Mathew 18. Some people choose to reject
what the Bible says and continue to cohabitate even if they reject it,
they at least know what they are choosing to reject. However some
cohabitating couples do wish to get married and when this happens
the church asks them to separate during the premarital counseling
stage, if not longer. (Jones)
In conclusion the culture is affecting societys view on morality
and the morals when it comes to cohabitation. Most couples are not
aware of what the Bible says about cohabitation or the reasoning why

God wants to keep living together sacred to marriage. Most couples go

into cohabitation for four main reasons: marriage alternative, marriage
precursor, trying out the marriage, or lastly dating with benefits,
unfortunately the Biblical understanding of cohabitation as a sin is not
taken into consideration when couples decide to live together.
Churches are combating culture by educating the couple when they
are taking their premarriage classes and showing them, in a loving
manner, that God does not want them to live together before they are
married. Although some people are rejecting this, some are
understanding and following what the churches are asking and
separate before they are married. As Christians we must be careful to
learn and study what God wants us to do in our lives, cohabitation is
one of the things that God does not want us Christians to do. However
us Christians have to be careful and not hold non-Christians to our
same standards. Instead it is our job to teach them about God, and to
have God work in their hearts, so that they may have faith and be able
to understand what God desires out of living together, a happy and
healthy marriage.

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