Anda di halaman 1dari 9

Shukla 1

Balya Shukla
Dr. Rand
UWRT 1102
2 April 2015
Why Do Women Over Apologize?
I have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people
call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
-

Rebecca West, 1913

Ladies, do you remember when you said sorry just for asking someone to move because
they were blocking your way? Have you ever thought of why you did that? Most of us, if not all
of us, would agree that women are as competent as any other gender, then why do we overapologize? Are we not confident enough, are we considered the weaker gender, or is it just the
genetics? Several times we feel the need to over-compensate for being successful so that we
dont come across as bitchy or arrogant. But does that rule apply to guys too? Um.. I dont
think so. I am not saying that men dont apologize, but they seem to be more confident of their
actions and apologize only when absolutely needed. What does that say about our society and
our status in it? In this paper I dont just want to list reasons why we apologize more, in fact I
want to educate my females that we dont need to apologize for existing.
I am going to begin by sharing some of my personal experiences and things that I have
learned this past year. I will present to you some passages from my daily journal. This will help
you indicate the problem and maybe relate to the issue as well.
September 6, 2014:

Shukla 2
My roommate pointed out that I say sorry way more that I should be. Do I really do that? I
never really paid attention to it.
September 12, 2014:
They [my roommates] said that I need a Sorry Penny Jar. I think I might lose all my savings
soon lol. But I really need to start working on it. I do say sorry a lot.
December 2, 2014:
After giving him a lecture on life, I immediately said, sorry, that was random. But I really
thought about it and I realized that the apology was unnecessary so I immediately said, Actually
no sorry. I am working on not apologizing too much. I felt empowered for not being submissive,
and I liked how it felt. I am glad he too appreciated that.
March 27, 2015:
How dare he talk to me like that? I told him that I demand an apology because that was
indecent and I am not going to stay quiet about it. It has taken me years to finally stand up for
myself and I refuse to go back to being that helpless girl.
As you can see, this was my journey of becoming a stronger person. I went through
different stages of not knowing what was wrong to realizing the issue, and finally taking control
of my life. The same goes for any girl. We sometimes dont realize that we are giving in more
than we think we are. Again, what is the reason behind it? After seeing this pattern, I decided to
go on the internet and search for reasons why some of us apologize more than we should be. I
found some great articles about the power play between the two genders and the confidence
gap.
Rettner in her article, Study Reveals Why Women Apologize So Much, points out that
according to a study men have a higher threshold for what requires an apology compared to

Shukla 3
women. She also in her article talks about a research in which 120 undergraduates, both males
and females, participated. They were given a situation in which they had to imagine that they had
woken their friend up late at night which resulted in them performing poorly on an interview that
was on the next day. The participants then had to rate the severity of this situation. The results
concluded that women rated the offense as more severe than men. This suggests that females
and males perceive situation differently and women feel the need to apologize more than men.
In the article, The Confidence Gap, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman inform us about how
women are earning more degrees and subsequently getting hired in large numbers. But they
argue that even though you can see more women in the work force, you dont see women at the
top. They suggest that the number one reason that women are unable to break this barrier is that
they lack confidence. Upon interviewing some successful women, the two authors noticed that
women usually think they dont deserve the status and the position. They also shared how they
themselves doubted their capabilities and often thought how other men who were more certain
about themselves were more qualified than them. After extensive research they concluded that,
Compared with men, women dont consider themselves as ready for promotions, they predict
theyll do worse on tests, and they generally underestimate their abilities. They said that the
reasons why women doubt their abilities ranges from upbringing to biology.
They compared the difference in the level of confidence between men and women based on
several different studies. They found out that:

Women compared to men underestimate their talents and performances.


Men too doubt themselves but they dont let it dictate their lives.
Women apply for a position only when they meet 100 percent of the qualification while

on the other hand men apply when they meet 50 percent.


If a woman speaks up first at meetings, she risks being disliked or evenlets be blunt
being labeled a bitch (Kay, Shipman). Sometimes women feel restricted by the

Shukla 4
unwritten rules of this world. They have to behave in a certain way that is more
acceptable to others.
According to this article, women are very cautious about their actions and always second-guess
themselves. Can this be one of the reasons why we apologize so much? I would like to say: yes,
it does. The low level of confidence definitely explains our apologetic nature since we doubt
ourselves so much.
Recently, Pantene released a women-empowering advertisement called Not Sorry |
#ShineStrong Pantene. It shed light on the issue of woman over-apologizing. The first half of
the advertisement showed different scenarios where women apologized even when it was
unnecessary. For example: saying sorry to everyone from colleagues, friends, family, to even
strangers. The second half of the video demonstrated the same scenarios but in this part women
were confident and it showed that women have no reason to apologize in situations where they
arent at fault. It got several views on YouTube and soon became the talk of the town. Many
women agreed that they could relate to the video and that they saw a problem. We dont see men
in this video apologize even if they were at fault (Wallace, Sorry to ask but ... do women
apologize more than men?).
The advertisement really shows how no matter where we are or with whom we are
interacting, we feel that we need to take more subordinate roles and be more sensitive. This is
also the reason why women who are strong are often considered pompous or arrogant by our
society. We can definitely see the double standards that our society sets. The reality is that we do
it subconsciously in order to be liked by the members of our society.
In an interview, Shabana Azami who is an internationally acclaimed Indian actress, said
that even though she is so successful she often times apologizes for very little things. She says

Shukla 5
that sometimes successful women feel guilty for being successful and they subconsciously feel
the pressure to overcompensate in order to look humble and be more acceptable.
If the reason we apologize is because we need to fit the criteria of what is considered
acceptable by our society, then the question that rises is that who sets these rules and why do we
need to abide by them? I was not fully satisfied with the research and I wanted to know more
about the societal aspect of this issue. Where does this mind-set of women are subordinate to
men come from? Recently, in my religious studies we were discussing about the role of women
in the biblical stories. The conclusion was askew but majority of us agreed that most of the
female characters dont have a voice and also, that they seem more apologetic for their actions.
Majority of the population in this world grows up with a specific religion. Most of the religions
through the narratives teach us that men are the heroes whereas women are the source of
problems. This is one of the reasons why woman feel that men are in power and they
automatically feel that they have to work twice as hard as men for the same position. Sometimes
they even feel that they arent worthy of the status they have (Kay, Shipman. The Confidence
Gap). Religion isnt the only thing that influences our behavior, but the things we teach our
daughters. They are taught that they need to act and behave in a specific way which really affects
their levels of confidence. Also, as suggested by Wallace in her article called Sorry to ask but ...
do women apologize more than men?, when little girls hear their mothers say sorry so often, they
learn to say it from them. This means that we need to stop telling our daughters that they need to
please others by being overly submissive.
I would like to conclude by saying that the reason women apologize so much is because
we feel the need to match the societys definition of an ideal women. It is not an issue of men
against women or inequality, but the fact that we are taught to be a certain way from the day we

Shukla 6
are born. It is the fear that we might get rejected by the world for being confident or selfsufficient. We as women cant carry someone elses burden on our shoulder and take the blame
for the wrong we havent done. If we arent confident about ourselves then nobody will treat us
right or take us seriously. If we want to create an impact on this world, we need to embrace
everything about ourselves and move forward without being sorry.

Works Cited
Not Sorry | #ShineStrong Pantene. Pantene. Advertisement. YouTube. 18 June 2014. Web.

Shukla 7
Sorry to ask but ... do women apologize more than men? CNN. Wallace,
Kelly. 26 June 2014. Web. 31 March 2015.
Study Reveals Why Women Apologize So Much. Livescience. Rettner,
Rachael. 27 September 2010. Web. 31 March 2015.
The Confidence Gap. The Atlantic. Kay, Katty. Shipman, Claire. May 2014.
Web. 31 March 2015.
Women Apologize More Frequently Than Men Do. Scientific American. 25
September 2010. Web. 31 March 2015.
SimiGarewalOfficial. (2013, February 11). Rendezvous with Simi Garewal Shabana Azmi & Javed Akhtar (2000) [Video file].

Reflection

Shukla 8
1

What was the most interesting thing you learned in this inquiry process?
The most interesting thing I learned in this inquiry process is that how woman are more
sensitive towards different situations, and that they have a lower threshold for what
requires an apology compared to men. They feel the greater need to feel apologetic in
situations even when it isnt necessary because of several reasons ranging from
upbringing to the gender roles set by the society we live in.

What did you struggle with during the research and/or writing process? How did you
overcome this obstacle?
One things I really struggled with during this research was that I kept excluding the male
perspective. But I thought it is necessary to state that women over-apologizing doesnt
make men the unapologetic gender.

Did your inquiry question change over time? If so, how did it change, and why do you
think it changed?
I changed my question various times, but I finally found something that I felt passionate
about. The reason I picked this topic is after my friend pointed out how I have grown
stronger this past year. It was only then when I thought it would be a good topic to
research about.

Why is it important to look at a historical view of your topic/question?


I think it is important to look at a historical view of my topic because it makes it easier to
compare how our society has changed over the years. For this particular topic I think it
was impactful to point out that not much has changed for women in our society and how
they have always been disposable.

Shukla 9
5

Do you think your analytical/evaluation skills have changed as a result of the inquiry
project? If so, how?
Before writing this paper, I had a specific mind-set, but it changed as I gained more
information about it. I tried not to let my opinions over power my research.

What are you most proud of in this process?


I am proud that I tried to write it in a persuasive way hoping to make a difference.

What more would you like to know about this subject?


I would like to connect this topic to feminism and what it truly stands for and also why
everyone should be a feminist for the betterment of this world. And also how women
have to struggle a lot more to achieve the same status as men.

Anda mungkin juga menyukai