ALERTSTOTHREATSIN2015EUROPE

FromJOHNCLEESE
TheEnglisharefeelingthepinchinrelationtorecenteventsinSyriaandhavetherefore
raisedtheirsecuritylevelfrom"Miffed"to"Peeved."Soon,though,securitylevelsmay
beraisedyetagainto"Irritated"oreven"ABitCross."TheEnglishhavenotbeen"ABit
Cross"sincetheblitzin1940whenteasuppliesnearlyranout.Terroristshavebeenre
categorisedfrom"Tiresome"to"ABloodyNuisance."ThelasttimetheBritishissueda
"BloodyNuisance"warninglevelwasin1588,whenthreatenedbytheSpanishArmada.
TheScotshaveraisedtheirthreatlevelfrom"PissedOff"to"Let'sgettheBastards."
Theydon'thaveanyotherlevels.Thisisthereasontheyhavebeenusedonthefrontline
oftheBritisharmyforthelast300years.
TheFrenchgovernmentannouncedyesterdaythatithasraiseditsterroralertlevelfrom
"Run"to"Hide."TheonlytwohigherlevelsinFranceare"Collaborate"and"Surrender."
TherisewasprecipitatedbyarecentfirethatdestroyedFrance'swhiteflagfactory,
effectivelyparalysingthecountry'smilitarycapability.
Italyhasincreasedthealertlevelfrom"ShoutLoudlyandExcitedly"to"Elaborate
MilitaryPosturing."Twomorelevelsremain:"IneffectiveCombatOperations"and
"ChangeSides."
TheGermanshaveincreasedtheiralertstatefrom"DisdainfulArrogance"to"Dressin
UniformandSingMarchingSongs."Theyalsohavetwohigherlevels:"Invadea
Neighbour"and"Lose."
Belgians,ontheotherhand,areallonholidayasusual;theonlythreattheyareworried
aboutisNATOpullingoutofBrussels..
TheSpanishareallexcitedtoseetheirnewsubmarinesreadytodeploy.These
beautifullydesignedsubshaveglassbottomssothenewSpanishnavycangetareally
goodlookattheoldSpanishnavy.
Australia,meanwhile,hasraiseditssecuritylevelfrom"Noworries"to"She'llberight,
Mate."Twomoreescalationlevelsremain:"Crikey!Ithinkwe'llneedtocancelthe
barbiethisweekend!"and"Thebarbieiscancelled."Sofarnosituationhasever
warranteduseofthelastfinalescalationlevel.
Regards,
JohnCleese,
Britishwriter,actorandtallperson
AndasafinalthoughtGreeceiscollapsing,theIraniansaregettingaggressive,and
Romeisindisarray.Welcomebackto430BC.

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