~ | Self-Actualization x 2 “The world is an oyster, but you don't crack it open GS on a mattress.” —ARTHUR MILLER, 1949 DEFINITION: The ability to realize your potential capacities. This com- 4g ponent of emotional intelligence is manifested by becom- ing involved in pursuits that lead to a meaningful, rich and full life. Striving to actualize your potential involves devel- ‘oping enjoyable and meaningful activities and can mean ei a lifelong effort and an enthusiastic commitment to long- term goals. Self-actualization is an ongoing, dynamic 4 process of striving toward the maximum development of Zz your abilities and talents, of persistently trying to do your » best and to improve yourself in general. Excitement about 4 your interests energizes and motivates you to continue these interests. Self-actualization is affiliated with feelings of self-satisfaction.’ Individuals with healthy self-actualiza- tion are pleased with the location they find themselves at on life's highway with respect to their personal, occupa- tional and financial destinations.Chapter 7: Self-Actualization | 113 b and Dan were old friends who grew up together in the same ighborhood. They went to high school and college together and after duation both were hired for sales positions, but by two different mpanies. Bob sold hydraulic pumps, while Dan sold farm machin- ery. After cight years, both were still with the same firms, but that’s where the similarities end. 4 * Dan worked between 60 and 70 hours a week, On average, he man- ed to make his quota each year, although sometimes he fell slightly behind. He spent his working days—which usually began at seven in Fthe morning and went on until eight at night—telephoning prospects ind customers, reviewing sales reports, developing budgets and learn- about new product lines. He seldom left the office except to call Hon clients, and frequently ate lunch at his desk, claiming that he was i60 busy to go to restaurants. His weekends were spent recovering n this grueling schedule. He lived and breathed his job, with the It that his wife accused him of being a workaholic. Bob’s lifestyle was planets apart. His work-week was by compari- Son short—on average, no more than 40 hours. His topics of conver- ation reflected his varied interests: his most recent golf game or ski acation, what he and his family had done the previous weekend, his nent investments, his fitness program, the many charitable ;eauses he worked with, his photography class, his jazz collection and ithe latest standings of several sports teams. Did his career suffer as a ( 'tesult of these activities? Not at all. Interestingly enough, he usually ’xeeeded his quota by a comfortable margin. Does this mean that selling farm machinery is harder than selling draulic pumps? Should Dan consider (as he in fact did) changing : mMpanies? No to the first question, and a qualified no to the second. 'Dah’s narrow and driven lifestyle and mediocre on-the-job perform- © wouldn’t necessarily take a turn for the better if he switched is. More likely, he’d take his troubles with him. Over and over gain, administering the EQ-i has shown that the most successful Sdlespeople tend to score high in self-actualization. This makes sense.114 | Part 2: The Intrapersonal Realm If you’re genuinely interested and involved in a wide variety of actiy. q ities, you’re obviously going to be able to connect with a wide Variety: of clients. You'll function far more effectively and be apt to achieve | more in your chosen field. Set Action-Oriented Goals We admit that self-actualization sounds a bit like psychological jar. 4 gon, but the concept is really quite integral to individual well- -being, Abraham Maslow was the first to coin the term, in the 1940s, as part 4 of his “hierarchy of needs” theory. He believed that there are five.§ basic needs that must be satisfied if we’re to survive and then go on to; 4 live happy and fully realized lives. . First, we need air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat and a tol-34 erable temperature. Then we must achieve safety, so that we aren’t in j pain or peril. Next comes love—-the need to belong, to be wanted and’: 4 cared about by friends, relatives and family. Fourth is esteem—the’! 4 need to achieve self-respect, to take pride in our accomplishments and; 4 know that they’re recognized by others. Then comes self-actualiza- | tion, which Maslow defines this way: “One must do what he or shi can do.” Based on this framework, we developed something we call the Life’ Map (see Figure 7-1) to help you chart your own. course of self-actu-. alization. Self-actualization involves being satisfied with where you} are on life’s highway—satisfied with all your achievements, at worl at play and in relationships. The idea is to strive for a healthy balance between the many activities that make up your life. For example, how much time do you spend in Relationship County? How quickly do yor speed through Family Bliss Borough to reach Traveltown, Fitness Junction or Retirement City? How often do you want to put your fee up in Relax Village? Your own personal life map would reflect other interests: Cottage Cove or Tennis-at-Tina’s Center. And what about the. 4 quality of the time spent at each location? Each should be important | ‘Chapter 7: Self-Actualization { 115 ; and meaningful in itself. Take a moment now to see what you accom- 'plish as you move along the pathways of your life. What goals would “you like to reach in each area, in return for the time and effort you devote to them? How many hours per week or month are you willing ’ to commit to those goals? All of us have goals, which are as individual as we are. Perhaps they’re simple and straightforward: losing those last 10 pounds, quit- , ting smoking, getting a better paying job, graduating from university. _Or they may be more nebulous: getting into shape, making a fortune, i meeting the perfect mate. Many people—despite repeated tumbles off | the wagon in question—continue to make New Year’s resolutions. How often do we keep these wonderful promises to ourselves? For most of us, the unfortunate answer is not very often. Figure 7-1: Life Map ©2005 Multi-Health Systems Inc, Toronto, Canada, www.mhs.com / Www.emotionalintelligencemhs.com. All rights reserved. Reproduced with permission.116 | Part 2: The Intrapersonal Realm How do we go about setting goals that are in fact meaningful and attainable? A good first step is to know the difference between results- oriented goals and activity-oriented goals, as described by Shane Murphy,’ a sports psychologist who has worked with many American Olympic athletes, Even if results-oriented goals appear to be sensible and specific, they all too often set us up for failure because the anticipated results + will occur too far down the line. They’re a destination, and what we should be focused on is the journey. What happens when we don’t reach our end point quickly enough? We feel badly, and start to slide back into the bad old ways. Do you want to lose 10 pounds? That’s | fair cnough, but it depends on how you go about it. Do you want to make some extravagant sum of money in the next five years, or improve your love life or buy a bigger house or move to some other part of the country? Results-oriented goals like these can become lit- | tle more than a wish list of things we’d get around to if only we had the time. Meanwhile, day by day, precious little progress is made towards them. To make real progress, you need action-oriented goals—-the spe- cific, manageable steps that lead to the desired result. Let’s tackle those pesky 10 pounds. The best way to take them off—and keep them off—is to eat and exercise sensibly, breaking each day down into a number of chances to make small changes for the better. Action goals should always be stated in positive terms—trewards, not denials. So, 4 instead of telling yourself to eat less, you’d rephrase the command- ment as “eat more fruits and vegetables.” It’s usually easier to aug-.; ment behavior than to forever think in terms of cutting back. You can modify your action plan as often as you wish, considering and if necessary rejecting specific techniques. If one doesn’t work, it’s no great loss. Something else—or a variation of the same technique— will enable you to succeed. The idea is to set a large number of small goals that can plausibly be reached. That way, you grow accustomed to} success; you can congratulate yourself as you go along. Then, if you fail. 4 be eee cena nnutinnine want erat ha fae lace kale ta thea: nn ueChapter 7: Self-Actualization | 117 hands. Instead, you’ll learn from the failure, and carry on. Sticking to the so-called bottom line at any cost, or “keeping your eyes on the prize,” isn’t likely to gain you long-term success. If you spend all of your time envisioning the end result, you won’t be able to buckle down to the action goals you need to get there. Also, you'll be stymied, because you won’t be apt to try new approaches and seek creative new solutions to the quest.