Text from my initial WP

submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I
received from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I made to

what I initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made to
column 1)

How this change

impacts my
paper:

WP1
The Means in Which the
Media Affects Society

Yawwwwnnnn...
Get me revved up
about reading this
piece, Haddad!
Also, I think this
title would benefit
from being more
specific. What
means? What
media? What part
of society?

Facebook has been the

center of debates, with
individuals arguing over the
benefits it offers and the
harmful distresses it
partakes.

The way this is

phrased right now,
it sounds to me like
you're saying that
people go to FB to
debate issues, but I
don't think that's
what you mean. You
mean wanna rephrase this.
Also, this isn't much
of a "hook."

Facebook: An Internet
Combat For a Developing
Adolescents Mind

A badass title gets

the audience
interested in my
paper. It is a tactic
to draw them in!

Imagine a 12 year old girl

who has secretly made an
account on Facebook
behind her parents back.
Every day after school, she
went on this site and spent
at least an hour roaming
the internet, adding
strangers, and reading
weird articles her friends
on Facebook have shared.
She comes by at least one
disturbing or vulgar
status/video each day. As a
pre-teen, her mind slowly
becomes engulfed by
distressful, disheartening
thoughts and beliefs
because of her exposure to
this social media site. The
topic of Facebook has been
contributed in multiple
quarrels, with individuals
arguing over the harmful
distresses it partakes on
the younger generation.

The hook draws

the audience in
further, hopefully
creating an
interest so they
feel excited to
continue to read.
I rephrased the
part, Facebook
has been the
center of
debates, because
this portrays the
message that the
only purpose of
Facebook is to talk
about debates. I
transformed this
to explain how
debates, at times,
can occur on FB
(hedged language
is more effective!).

Although various types of

articles of the same genre
address similar topics
through different
arrangements, they are
formatted very similarly,
convey the same purpose,
and pertain to the same
audience.

Isn't this
contradictory?

Online News Articles are

primarily used to inform
their audience and educate
them on their given topic.
Their purpose is to provide
data such as facts, graphs,
research findings, and
examples to persuade their
readers that their argument
holds true.

This is all
fine'n'dandy, but
remember: you're
gonna win your
readers over with
evidence -- textual
support that backs
up your larger
argument/claims.
Specificity is key.

Also, is there any

way you can make
this thesis more
specific, Haddad?
What is the
purpose? Who is
the audience? What
is the formatting?
I'd like you to tell
me what
conventions I'll be
reading about from
the get-go.

Although various types of

articles of the same genre
address similar topics
through different structural
organizations (describing
their claims and evidence
in distinct methods), they
are formatted comparably
similar to news articles,
convey the same purpose
through educating their
readers on the negative
influences of Facebook, and
pertain to the same
audience- parents and the
younger generation.

I revised my thesis
to analyze and
summarize most
of my paper,
instead of the
bland and broad
thesis from the
original. I tried to
make it more
debatable,
descriptive, and
thought-provoking,
carrying the
overall message of
the purpose of the
essay.

For instance, in the

Huffington Post article,
How Facebook and Social
Media Affect the Minds of
Generation Next, by
Jordan K. Turgeon, the
author included a diagram
on the seven different
types of effects of social
networking and how it
impacts an individuals
lifestyle. It was concluded
through the findings that,
When it comes to teens
and their social media
habits, there's some great
news and some not-sogreat news. It can make
your child a fast learner,
but it is also associated
with a host of psychological
disorders. Turgeon
provided evidence for her
assertions, explaining her
2009 case study with four
to eight years olds who
constantly use different
forms of media, including
Facebook, music, and video
games. This case study
concluded that these
children suffered
psychological problems due

I provided a whole
bunch of textual
evidence to my
claim in order to
win my readers
and form some
sort of trust with
the audience.
Many of my
assertions are not
backed-up with
evidence to prove
that the
information is not
made-up. I added
direct quotes from
the source and
evaluated the
types of evidence
the author used.
My claims are
stronger and more
convincing
through specific
examples and
evidence.

to their constant internet

use. These forms of
evidence allowed Turgeons
audience to trust and credit
her claims.
Through their use of pathos
and logos, it becomes
evident that their
convincing tone endeavors
to reveal a serious conflict
that needs attention.

These are
important concepts
-- is it worth taking
some time to
define/describe
these terms?

Through their use of pathos

and logos, it becomes
evident that their
convincing tone endeavors
to reveal a serious conflict
that needs attention.
Through pathos, the author
connects with emotional
words such as,
disheartening,
psychological trauma, and
distressful set-back.
Though logos, the author
connects with his/her
readers logical reasoning,
thoroughly elaborating on
her assertions.

I am sure many
readers have no
idea what
pathos and
logos mean. And
the meaning
behind these
terms are
essential to know.
So, in order for my
audience to follow
along with my
analysis and
understand why I
am saying what I
am saying, I need
to take some time
to define and
elaborate these
crucial terms.

The tone of each piece

ranges from informative to
persuasive to upsetting.

Evidence for this?

The tone of each piece

ranges from informative to
persuasive to upsetting.
First, the author describes
the research, then explains
why attempts to convince
adolescents to keep away
from these sites, then
describes the distressful
and saddening effects
Facebook causes.

I provided
evidence, so my
audience is able to
believe my
statements. I do
not want to leave
room for
ambiguity or
uncertainty, so I
explained/
provided examples
for the tone in
order for the
audience to trust
my arguments.
Once the trust is
gone, they will
question my every
move.

The title is usually bolded

and displays the largest
font in comparison with the
rest of the page.

True. This might

seem like a small
observation, but
you never know

The title is usually bolded

and displays the largest
font in comparison with the
rest of the page. This

The importance of
the title was a
concept I should
have elaborated

when it could be
more important
than it seems.
Is it worth getting
into the language of
the title? What kind
of rhetorical impact
they might have on
readers? If they
present any kind of
stance or bias?

occurs with strong,

meaningful diction drawing
the readers in. At times, the
title may be biased, as the
author refers to his/her
opinion and attempts to
dramatize the topic to
catch the audiences
attention. The title may
also be very general and
broad to pertain to a bigger
group of people.

upon. Describing
the powerful and
moving words
used in the title
and why the
effects it has is
attention-grabbing
is an important
element to expand
upon. It is
essential for the
audience to
understand why
the author did
what he/she did.

This occurs because,

reader always need to
know what is at stake in a
text and why they should
care (Birkenstein and Graff
70).

You can "massage"

this quote by using
brackets.

This occurs because,

reader[s] always need[s]
to know what is at stake in
a text and why they should
care (Birkenstein and Graff
70).

Grammatical Error.
By changing the
tense in the
brackets, I was
able to smoothly
flow the analysis
with the quote.

They also introduced their

topic with findings.

This sounds
interesting. Worth
elaborating on?

They also introduced their

topic with findings, such as,
[Facebook] can make your
child a fast learner, but it is
also associated with a host
of psychological orders.
These findings introduced
the conflict discovered that
has been researched.

My problem is
making a claim
without
elaborating on it.
The authors
findings is an
important concept
to explain and by
doing so, the
audience will
better understand
the problem
through a
discovery or direct
conclusion made
from an
experiment.

WP2
The Prevailing Events
Leading to Tragic School
Shootings

Haddad, this title

sounds a little
strange to me b/c I
feel like "prevailing"
has a connotation

The Atrocious
Characteristics Associated
with Tragic School
Shootings

Having a clear,
interesting, and
strong title allows
the audience to
take me seriously

of after-effects,
which conflicts with
the "leading
up"/prior history...
As seen through a
sociological and
psychological perspective
in scholarly and nonacademic sources, which
display similar conventions
and moves that are
uniquely constructed by
each author, school
shooters are researched
and investigated to better
understand what drives
and motivates their
abhorrent actions.

This sounds like it's

going to be a superinteresting paper
topic, Haddad.
Good stuff.

What most people do not

know is that these gunmen
are psychologically and
emotionally distressed, at
times unaffected and naive
with the actions they
demonstrate

The audience of each

article strives to
understand the purpose of
the rhetoric, be familiar
with the argument, and in

and creates an
eagerness to read
my paper.
As seen through a
sociological and
psychological perspective
in scholarly and nonacademic sources, which
display similar formatting
styles, jargon, forms of
persuasion, and references
to credible sources, that
are uniquely constructed by
each author, school
shooters have been
researched and discovered
to be psychologically
distraught individuals that
have had their own
experiences of harassment
and bullying

A thesis is
supposed to
summarize the
paper, including
the most
important parts of
the essay that was
focused on. My
original thesis was
unarguable and
vague. I
transformed the
thesis by
explaining specific
points, the
conventions and
moves I will be
emphasizing, and
my argument. A
strong thesis
entails a strong
paper.

What do you mean

by this? And/ or
how do you know
this?

What most people do not

know is that these gunmen
are psychologically and
emotionally distressed, at
times unaffected and
callous with the actions
they demonstrate, feeling
no remorse or sorrow. A
sociopath is an individual
that displays all these
characteristics.

By elaborating on
ambiguous
sentences and
describing
specifically where I
got my
information/data,
the audience will
know the
information is
accurate and
trustworthy. I
thoroughly
analyzed this
claim, hoping the
audience wont be
left confused.

You're missing an
opportunity to
make this sentence
clearer through
parallelism.

The audience of each

article strives to be
understanding of the
purpose of the rhetoric,
familiar with the argument,

Parallelism was a
concept I finally
understood
completely after
the group

However, I need
more of a specific,
driving thesis
statement. What,
exactly, are you
going to be arguing
here? And what
specific points are
you going to use to
make that case?
What
conventions/moves
will you be
emphasizing?

addition, be aware of
what the rhetor wants [the
audience] to believe or do
and how he or she goes
about the persuasion
(Carroll 63).

"Strives to... X,
Y,and Z."
Parallelism is kinda
like: each phrase
(X, Y, Z) can/should
follow the same
grammatical
structure, that way
your reader can
anticipate the
patterns. One way
you could solve this
is by inserting a
"be" into the first Xphrase (why?
Because you've got
a "be" in the last
two phrases, Y, and
Z.)

and aware of what the

rhetor wants [the audience]
to believe or do and how he
or she goes about the
persuasion (Carroll 63).

presentation. By
changing the
sentence structure
to being
grammatically
correct, I will
create
professionalism,
smooth flow, and
organization for
readers.

Moves that Martinez

frequently used was,
Introducing Quotations,
and Explaining
Quotations.

Worth
describing/defining
what you mean by
"moves"?

Additionally, Susan B.
Martinezs article displayed
a variation of diverse
moves. Each author in
every article goes about
writing and analyzing their
work in distinctive ways.
Moves defines how an
author specifically tries to
communicate a particular
message or can be
classified as the
technique/method used to
describe or assert
something. Moves that
Martinez frequently used
was, Introducing
Quotations, and
Explaining Quotations.

Some terminology
I use may not be
known to the
readers. By
explaining what
moves
connotates, the
audience will be
familiar and aware
of what I am
talking about.
Educated and
mindful readers
are happy readers
who take the
paper seriously. No
reader will be
motivated to read
a confusing paper.

Martinez concretely and

empirically displayed her
findings, allowing her
audience to have a full
understanding of the topic.

What were they?

What data did she
collect? What
counted as
"evidence"? Why?

Martinez concretely and

empirically displayed her
findings and concluded that
most school shooters were
once victims of acts of
harassment. During their
childhood or early
adulthood, certain
emotional or physical
abusive events triggered

This statement
was initially very
ambiguous and
unclear. In the
process of
changing this
sentence, I took
apart each piece
and tried to
answer it

When Klein referred back to

a psychologists study, he
described, As Douglas
Foley argued in his 1990
study of a Texas bordertown high school, student
peer culture is underpinned
by racial-ethnic identity,
social class, and gender
constructs which often
identify the weaker
members of the hierarchy
with homosexuality (Klein
10). Signaling Who Is
Saying What, relates back
to introducing and
explaining quotations, and
this method is crucial in
referring back to who the
quote pertains to.

There's so much
juicy
writing/rhetoric/rese
arch stuff you could
be digging out -- I
don't want to hear
about this... you
already told me it.
Gimme the goods!

the anger they display in

shootings. She attained
these findings through case
studies and interviews.
These discoveries and
analyses allowed her
audience to have a full
understanding of the topic.

meticulously.
Through clear and
thorough answers,
the audience will
be fully aware of
the message I am
trying to get
across. Analysis
should be deep
and affective in
convincing.

When Klein referred back to

a psychologists study, he
described, As Douglas
Foley argued in his 1990
study of a Texas bordertown high school, student
peer culture is underpinned
by racial-ethnic identity,
social class, and gender
constructs which often
identify the weaker
members of the hierarchy
with homosexuality (Klein
10). This psychologists
claimed, revealed through
his study, that
homosexually is connected
with racial-ethnic identity,
social class, and gender
constructs. Students are
restricted in schools
through social constructs
developed overtime.
Homosexuality is a topic of
little discussion in schools
and can be seen in the
same standpoint of
minorities. Gay
harassment in schools is a
common issue, as
homosexuality is still not a
comfortable matter.
Referring to this
psychologists study builds
ethos by crediting reliable
individuals and allowing the
audience to perceive that
the argument is accurate

Instead of focusing
on a specific move
that I repeatedly
spoke about
throughout the
paper, I needed to
start examining
the rhetoric and
research stuff. I
took a look at the
quote and focused
on the effective
language and the
impact it meant to
have on the
audience. I
analyzed this in
order to explain to
my audience the
purpose of this
article, the
evidence provided,
and the strong
persuasion it
entailed. My job
was to convince
readers my
argument holds
true because of
this evidence, and
in doing so, this
creates a strong,
convincing, and
well-developed
paper.

and trustworthy.
The author use[d] all kinds
of evidence and focused
on, how it was collected,
by whom, and for what
purposes to provide
enough detail to convince
one kind of audience
(Lunsford 98).

Well? What was it?

The author use[d] all kinds

of evidence and focused
on, how it was collected,
by whom, and for what
purposes to provide
enough detail to convince
one kind of audience
(Lunsford 98). Evidence
most effectively used
included the one, big case
study of the school
shooting. It thoroughly
explained the effect that
the shooting had on the
school, the community, the
families, gun control, and
the shooter. It also included
statements made by those
affected or influenced with
the shooting that day.

This change was

meant to add
further analysis to
a broad statement.
Evidence is the
most important
part of a paper,
which I lacked.
Adding more
evidence and
analysis
transforms my
paper. I stated that
there was
evidence, but
when I added what
that evidence was,
it successfully
made my claim
conclusive and
convincing.