Najera 1

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:00 AM

Comment [1]: Nice title, Slider

Joseph Najera

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:01 AM

Comment [2]: Beautiful! What a hook!
Great parallelism too.

De Piero - Writing 2
4 November, 2015
From Tutus to Lockers: Hazing in Sports
Rookie linemen being left with expensive dinner bills, September call-ups in the MLB
forced to wear a tutu on the next plane ride, new draftees in the NBA forced to carry a doll
around. Hazing is sometimes seen as an inevitable consequence that comes with playing sports,

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:03 AM

Comment [3]: I'd like you to try find a
way to clear this up -- was a bit confusing
to me.
Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:04 AM
Comment [4]: Awesome sentence, well
done, my man. Two considerations:
1, a semicolon could work well in the
middle of that sentence From X, blah blah;
from Y, blah blah.

with the notion of the more you advance in your respective sport, the more hazing that will

2, Turn sociology and psychology into

adjectives (so that they modify the non
standpoint).

occur. Seen from a sociology standpoint, hazing is performed because it is a strong part of the

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:10 AM

Comment [5]: Two more considerations:

sports and masculinity culture that the US promotes, whereas from a psychology standpoint,
hazing is looked more as something that can potentially have a negative and harmful effect on

1, This is the first time "genre" comes up in

the Intro. It sounded to me like you were
going at more of a "depending on the
discipline or author's intention..."

the mental aspect of the hazee. Certain media outlets, like Vice News, see hazing as a form of

2, Since you use "must" 3 times, try

removing it from the last 2 ---

bullying that is beginning to get out of control, and believe it needs to be stopped. Overall,

Instead of Must X, must Y, and must Z,

see if "must X, Y, and Z" works any better.

depending on the genre, an author must use different moves, must conform to different
conventions, and must know their audience so as to better connect to the reader and drive their
points home.
Although each genre looks at hazing differently, one similarity can be found between
each article that links the genres together at a level deeper than just the topic. One such similarity
that exists in each source, is the use of first hand accounts from those who have been hazed.

Generally, if you can achieve the same

effect/point in fewer words, it's probably a
good idea.

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:10 AM

Comment [6]: A follow-up point: is there
way you can get a bit more specific?
What moves? What conventions?
Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:06 AM
Comment [7]: Is there a more scholarly
way of putting this? Think: nerd verbs.
Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:09 AM
Comment [8]: I think you're wasting this
space -- you said this in the previous
sentence.

These first-hand accounts that each source is able to provide helps to expand on their argument,

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:09 AM

Comment [9]: Super-adjective?

employing a tactic called ethos that was covered in an article entitled Steps towards Rhetorical

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:10 AM

Comment [10]: Hell yeah, Joe. Way to
start out with what they have in common-first-hand accounts. Huge. That's
*evidence* they're using to establish their
point.

Analysis by Laura Carroll. The technique of ethos is being used to [help the reader] trust the

I also like how you're weaving in the

course readings already.

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[authors] credibility and to believe the messages they send (Caroll 47). The reader then sees
each author as more credible and is thus more likely to believe and support the authors claim.

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:11 AM

Comment [11]: Way to massage the
quote with brackets. :)

The article titled Making the Team: Threats to Health and Wellness within Sport Hazing
Cultures, by Jessica Chin and Jay Johnson, is a Sociology paper that was posted within the
International Journal of Health, Wellness & Society. Its main focus is centered on why hazing
occurs, believing that the culture of American Sports is the main culprit for the recurrences of
hazing across the country.
The authors use various moves within their paper that allow them to effectively argue
their point. To begin, there is a constant call-to-action theme that is present throughout the
paper that works in various ways. By the authors offering a variety of ways by which [a policy

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:11 AM

Comment [12]: Why the paragraph
break?
Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:11 AM
Comment [13]: Worth
defining/describing what you mean by
moves?

on hazing] can be successfully implemented (Chin, Johnson 33), this helps give the paper a
sense of so-what, and doesnt leave readers pondering questions like Hazing is bad, but now
what do I do now? after theyre done reading. This also ties in with the audience and their
expectations for a piece like this. Those reading a Sociology/Cultural Anthropology paper about
hazing and its culture are likely to be interested in why hazing happens, and what can be done to
prevent future incidents. Thus, the call-to-action coincides with the audiences expectations of
learning why hazing occurs, as well as providing a solution or two that the reader can take with
them.
Chin and Johnson also use a move of expansion within their paper to show how big of a
problem hazing actually is. Through examples and references, Chin and Johnson demonstrate
that While [hazing is] historically associated with fraternity pranks and rites of passage for
group membership, over time they have been adopted within other realms of team-based
activities (military, sports teams, e.g.) and have increased in both number and variety (Allan &

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:12 AM

Comment [14]: Awesome. I'd consider
promoting this phrase to the topic
sentence of the paragraph (b/c that's what
the whole paragraph is ultimately about).

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Madden, 2008; Nuwer, 1999; Waldron & Kowalski, 2009) (Chin, Johnson 30). Showing that
hazing is more than just confined to sports, Chin and Johnson view hazing as a result of the
social reproduction of the sport culture, that expands to [the] sport/university/cultural

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:13 AM

Comment [15]: How about their shoutout to all these people? Why's that there?
Could that be a move? Does that build the
author's ethos in any way?

organization (Chin, Johnson 31). The authors then begin indicate how bad of a problem hazing
is becoming as fraternities, sororities and even the military have been known to experience
hazing in the past. This move also provides the reader with more examples which may lead to the
reader experiencing a better connection with one example than they would the other, causing the
point to be driven home more than it normally would if just one example had been given.
Hazing is known to sometimes bring about negative psychological impacts that are severe

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:14 AM

Comment [16]: For a second there, I
was wondering "which move?" Then I
remembered, oh yeah, expansion.
I think you might want to explain what you
mean by "expansion," that way it's crystalclear what you mean by it.

enough to leave the hazee traumatized for extended lengths of time. In the psychology research
paper Crossing the Line by Jennifer Waldron and Christopher Kowalski, the psychological
impacts of hazing and why some athletes still feel the need to participate in hazing are looked at
closely. Waldron & Kowalskis data was gathered from interviewing eleven athletes who
reported being hazed during their time in high school and/or collegiate sports.
With the data collected from all 11 athletes being so overwhelming, yet serving at the
base of their argument, Waldron and Kowalski were able to [analyze] 455 data chunks
producing 44 categories, 7 lower order themes, and 2 higher order themes (Waldron, Kowalski,

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:15 AM

Comment [17]: & ("ampersand") only
goes in the in-text citations (within the
parentheses).
Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:16 AM
Comment [18]: I'm not sure what you
mean by this. The data collection was
overwhelming? Or the results were so
obvious? Or something else?

295). The manner in which they organized these findings is an important move that allows the
paper to flow and stay cohesive. Using easy to read charts, separate subheadings, and
individualized paragraphs that are easy for the reader to pick up on, this move helps to showcase
the importance that lies within each subtopic by using visual aids that stand out while reading.
This gives the authors the ability to convey information more precisely than before, while still
taking up less space on the page. The precision comes in the form of laying out what each point

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:17 AM

Comment [19]: OK, so right here, are
you making an argument for this *genre*,
this *discipline's way of
collecting/analyzing data*, or this particular
*writer's moves*?
That's a really tough question but a really
important one.

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is, and being as direct as possible while supporting the claim with charts and visual aids. This is
an important move in the scope of the entire paper because the authors are able to show how
much data theyve collected--proving that their research was thorough and well done--yet still
being able to not overwhelm the reader with information.
Vice News is an internet-based company that takes pride in covering events that arent as
well covered by other news sources. The Vice news article entitled Inside an Elite High
School's Culture of Hazing and Bullying by Danielle Elliot covers a story from early 2015 in
which a young boy in High School stepped in to defend his classmate and soon become the
target of the harassment instead.

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:18 AM

Comment [20]: It seems like you have a
tendency of starting off lots of your
sentences with "This." I do the same
thing.
Two suggestions:
1, Try to change it up -- variety is the spice
of life.
2, When you do use it, consider adding a
noun right after "this" so it's clear what
you're referring to, i.e., this idea... this
plan... this approach...

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:19 AM

Comment [21]: How are you getting
from paragraph/sentence 1 to
paragraph/sentence 2? I think you need
to work in a transition to smooth it out.

This piece takes a different approach towards hazing than the other two articles as it tries
to tell a story and bring about awareness of a specific event, rather than focusing on hazing as a
whole. Being considered a non-scholarly piece of writing, this article is able to perform moves

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:20 AM

Comment [22]: Interesting and
important. Tell me more!

that the other papers are unable to incorporate because it would go against the conventions of
their genre. One move--that isnt even text based--that results in a huge amount of effectiveness,
are the pictures that the author chose to include all throughout the article. Drawn by Maddison
Bond, the pictures focus on specific parts of the article and serve as a way to indicate which parts

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:20 AM

Comment [23]: Yes, huge -- if this a
really crucial aspect of your argument, I'd
consider incorporating it, somehow, into
your thesis.

of the story are more important. They also serve as a way to communicate a topic by showcasing
that topic through art, rather than just describing it. And because some of the pictures do have a
shock value to them, the reader may be better adept to visualizing the struggle that the author is
trying to reiterate throughout.
Another move that is specific to this genre, is the storytelling that Elliot is allowed to do
as she begins the article with the entire story of bullying/hazing so that the reader may have some
background and wont be completely lost while reading. And context is one of the most

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:21 AM

Comment [24]: Such as? Why?

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:21 AM

Comment [25]: Didn't you already
mention this?

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important places to begin a rhetorical assault on the reader as One of the first places to start is
context. Rhetorical messages always occur in a specific situation or context (Carroll 4*). As
mentioned in Steps towards Rhetorical Analysis, the use of quotes, narration, and some
background all establish a background story that sets up the rest of the paper as well. Not only is
it a building tool, but the story also works as an anecdote and a hook, immediately drawing a
reader in as it dives straight into the encounter.
Different audiences prefer different things. In writing, this is evident with the differences
between the two academic papers and the Vice News Article. Each genre is effective in its own
way because the audiences of both are looking for specific, familiar conventions that separates

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:21 AM

Comment [26]: Big time
Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:22 AM
Comment [27]: Transition needed.
(Also, I'd steer clear of using "things." It's
suuuuuuper vague/imprecise.)

each genre from the rest. For example, someone who were to be reading Vice News would
generally be someone younger who probably spends a good amount of time on the internet. This
person would generally be someone who isnt a huge fan of structure or too many rules, likes
pictures to break up the sometimes dense reading, and generally doesnt really like censorship.
And because of the freedom that is available within this genre, the Vice News article is able to be
more effective when reaching out to this audience because it is allowed to use foul language so
as to get a point across, can have pictures that spark different emotions, and can follow any
format the author chooses really.
On the other hand, the academic articles would appeal successfully to a different kind of
audience than would the Vice article. Those reading a scientific journal, or astute magazine filled
with writings from nobel laureates prefer the structure and professionalism that is the norm
within the genres of the Sociology essay and the Psychology essay. A reader from this audience
would come to expect the structure that is present in research papers. If an article were to stray
from this convention, the reader would be likely be displeased with the jumbled mess presented

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:23 AM

Comment [28]: Well said.

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:24 AM

Comment [29]: Absolutely. (Do you
need the two "would's" in this sentence?)

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before them. Also, the reader may like the citations that are present throughout every academic
paper, because it provides a sense of ethos and credibility to the paper theyre reading. The
article Navigating Genres by Kerry Dirk helps to elaborate on why knowing who the audience

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:24 AM

Comment [30]: Yep

is, is such a vital part of the writing process. Dirk begins by mentioning that this was my first
time writing an essay to you, a composition student and because of this, she must figure out
certain things like what features...should go into this essay or How personal could I get?
(250). Dirks process of writing shows that when knowing the audience, the author is able to
know their expectations and in turn, can connect better to the audience, allowing points to be
driven.
In the end, moves and how each author goes about writing for a specific genre varies like
fishing for different fish. In order to catch a specific type of fish, you need to go to a certain
location, use a specific lure or tactic, and have a general idea of where youre trying to cast.
When writing for a different genre, you must know your audience (like how youd know what
fish you want), you must formulate a plan on how to reel in the audience (pick your lure) and
you must write until the paper is able to successfully communicate its point (cast in different
locations until you find them). Overall, writing for different genres, even when covering the
same topic, requires a change in approach and a different set of goals that must be accomplished
in order to successfully argue the point.
Citations
Carroll, Laura Bolin. "Backpacks vs. Briefcases: Steps Toward Rhetorical Analysis."
Backpacks vs. Briefcases: Steps Toward Rhetorical Analysis. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Oct.
2015.

Zack De Piero 11/6/2015 7:25 AM

Comment [31]: Woooooo! :)

Najera 7

Chin, Jessica, and Jay Johnson. "Making the Team: Threats to Health and Wellness within Sport
Hazing Cultures." International Journal of Health, Wellness & Society 1.2 (2011): 29-38.
Print.
Dirk, Kerry. "Navigating Genres." Writing Spaces: Readings on Writing. By Charles Lowe and
Pavel Zemliansky. West Lafayette, IN: Parlor, 2010. N. pag. Print.
Elliot, Danielle. "Inside an Elite High School's Culture of Hazing and Bullying | VICE Sports."
VICE Sports RSS. 26 Jan. 2015. Web. 2 Nov. 2015.
Waldron, Jennifer, and Christopher Kowalski. "Crossing the Line."Research Quarterly for
Exercise and Sport 80.2 (2013). Print.

Writing 2 Feedback Matrix for WP1

Table of Textual Features
Did Not Meet
Expectations
Thesis Statement
Use of Textual
Evidence from Genres

Met Expectations
!

Exceeded
Expectations

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Use of Course
Readings
Analysis
Organization/Structure
Attention to
Genre/Conventions
and Rhetorical Factors
Sentence-level Clarity,
Mechanics, Flow
Other Comments

!
!

Slider Joe,
Awesome work here. To take this to the next level, here are
some ideas:
-Spend a bit more time breaking down what kinds of
data/evidence these different sources are using and what kinds
of research questions theyre asking
-I thought you did a great job of using/explaining moves, and
id like to read even more about it
-Try to sharpen up that thesis statement a bit more so it
previews what, exactly, your argument is and what youre basing
it on
-Work in a transition/transitional phrase between some of your
paragraphs -- find out how theyre connected to each other, and
then explicitly build that in.
All that said, way to go, brother.
Z
9/10