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Memorandum

To:
From:
Date:
Subject:

Victoria M Arthur
Carley Briggs
September 13, 2015
Business Communication Style Analysis

This memo describes my weaknesses and strengths in writing. My weaknesses


include run on sentences, choppy citations and meaningless phrases. My strengths
include the use of questions and personal writing. I will go into more detail below.
This section below describes my weaknesses as a writer.

1.0 Weaknesses:
1.1 Run On Sentences:
In my writing I use lengthy sentences. For example,
"The title itself is stating that they are "in search for a good man among no apparent
candidates" this shows that there is good somewhere and that comes from the hope that
the grandmother provides (Bethea)."
Here I could have made two sentences. I also could have broken up the quoted portion, put that
into one sentence, then made the explanation another sentence.
Another example of my use of run on sentences:
"As far as the enforcement of the new rule, I propose a member of a committee to sit in at
each dance audition to make sure the rule is enforced along with all other rules that the
dance companies must follow during auditions."
This example shows how I could have easily broken this up and changed this into shorter, more
direct sentences. This would make it easier to follow for readers.
1.2 Choppy Citations
In my writing I have issues creating smooth transitions from my own thoughts to connect with
the thoughts of the source. For example this sentence has a choppy transition into the quote.
"Also in this story by O'Connor she has a Greek spiritual God who is represented by
Bailey, "a figure parallel to Bailey" (Fike)."
In this example I have too many names being used. By taking out the name of the author and
simplifying the sentence to get to the point, it would make the sentence smoother and flow better
for readers.
An improvement would be According to Fike, a figure parallel to Bailey would be a Greek
spiritual God. This sentence takes out the meaningless names and simplifies it down so the
reader can easily follow.

1.3 Meaningless phrases


Another weakness of mine is writing meaningless sentences. Here I have an introduction
sentence that has no content and is not catching to the reader.
"In dance there are many different aspects of the potential dancers that companies look at
when hiring new members"
This sentence is empty. It doesn't have any new information. Also this sentence could be
rephrased to catch attention and flow into information.

2.0 Strengths:
2.1 Use of Questions:
In my writing I use a lot of questions. I do this to engage my audience. For example
"Some of the questions that I would answer regarding this law would be; How will this
effect professional companies? and how will this be enforced?"
In this example I have engaged my audience by asking a question to keep them thinking about
my topic. In this case I used these questions to bring up topics for my thesis statement. This
made it easier for the reader to follow as well as answering questions they may have been
thinking about themselves or brought up a new point they had not thought of before.
2.2 Personal Writing
In my writing I try to use a lot of voice. I make my writing as if I was speaking to the person
reading. For example
"When it comes to body image people think I'm this or that. Walters, author of Research
of Dance Education states that "body image is defined as the way in which people see
themselves in the mirror everyday: values, judgments, and ideas that they attach to their
appearance." I am fat or skinny. I'm tall or short. I'm big or little."
In this chunk of my writing I use simplistic language. This to me is more personal because
instead of writing I am chunky or stout, I would say I am fat. I use this type of writing because it
is more my writing style and secondly it is more realistic. If you tell someone I'm stout, they
would look at you like you were crazy.
Over all my writing has its positives and negatives. I have strong areas of engaging readers and
writing with voice. Although, I could use some improvement in creating more varied length
sentences and making smoother transitions into citations.