MEMORANDUM

TO:
FROM:
DATE:
SUBJECT:

Professor Jennifer Hawk

Jennifer Downen
13 September 2015
Project 1: Writing to Achieve a Readable Prose Style

This memo analyzes the readability of my philosophy essay. I evaluated the essay on being
concise, precise, direct, and emphatic.
BEING CONCISE
Being concise means avoiding redundant words and cutting out useless information. Many of my
sentences were too long.
My sentences had many small words. They decreased the flow of my writing. I avoided using
words such as all, that, and the.
Original

To achieve the desired ultimate goal, the final goal has to encompass all
the smaller successes.

Revised

The ultimate goal needs to encompass smaller successes.

The third paragraph contained useless information. I deleted the paragraph to provide clarity in
my paper.
Most of my sentences were too long. The average sentence length was 21 words. Sentence length
made my ideas incomplete.
Original

Aristotles definition of eudaimonia says that people have to grow, but it

also leaves room for people to follow different paths; thus, people can
achieve eudaimonia by mastering the same moral values, but different
technical skills.

Revised

Eudaimonia says people grow and follow different paths. People can
achieve eudaimonia by mastering moral values using different technical
skills.

BEING PRECISE
To be precise, I needed to choose the level of detail the reader needed and remove jargon.
I added too many definitions in my paper. My professor is an expert and knows the vocabulary.
I used the word eudaimonia multiple times. This is a form of jargon. I explained the definition
at the beginning of my paper. I used parts of the definition throughout my paper to add clarity.
My descriptions were unnecessary because my reader was my professor.

BEING DIRECT
Being direct means using active voice. My sentences are easier to read if I place strong verbs and
nouns close to each other. I need to avoid metaphors, similes, and analogies.
My paper had 4% passive voice. I moved the main subject and verb to the front of the sentence.
Original

Aristotle is correct when he says that a persons end goal and desire is to
attain happiness and personal growth, which is called eudaimonia.

Revised

Eudaimonia says a persons ultimate goal is to attain happiness through

personal growth.

There were no metaphors, similes, or analogies in my paper.

BEING EMPHATIC
I provided emphasis by placing important information in the topic sentence, avoiding
metadiscourse, and avoiding sprawl.
Each paragraph has a topic sentence. They did not direct the reader through the paragraph. I
shortened my sentences and deleted information I can state later in the paragraph. In the
following example, the underlined information is important for a topic sentence.
Original

According to Aristotle, everyone can accomplish moral and intellectual

excellence, but Aristotles audience does not include the masses, but only
the elite class. Aristotle says that people who are born into the correct
social, family, and community settings can obtain eudaimonia. Aristotles
limit on eudaimonia does not fit the actual definition of eudaimonia
because it does not dictate that only the elite class is capable of attaining
the ultimate goal or that the masses are incapable of attaining the final
goal. I believe every person, rich or poor, is capable of achieving moral
and intellectual excellence.

Revised

Aristotle said everyone could accomplish moral and intellectual

excellence. This only included the elite class. I believe every social class is
capable of achieving excellence.

My paper did not contain certain types of metadiscourse. I did not use conjunctive adverbs,
prepositional phrases, or common connectors. Below are examples of these forms of
metadiscourse.
Conjunctive Verbs
However
So

Nevertheless

Prepositional Phrases
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In other words
In addition
In fact

 First
In conclusion
Common Connectors
Second
I did use metadiscourse to reference my thoughts. I explained Aristotles opinion then used I
believe to switch to my opinion. I reworded my sentence to delete this saying.
Original

Aristotles limit on eudaimonia does not fit the actual definition of

eudaimonia because it does not dictate that only the elite class is capable
of attaining the ultimate goal or that the masses are incapable of attaining
the final goal. I believe every person, rich or poor, is capable of achieving
moral and intellectual excellence.

Revised

Aristotle limits eudaimonia to the elite class. Every class is capable of

achieving moral and intellectual excellence.

I used two types of sprawling words: who and which. I used who two times. I reworded
my sentences to make them easier to read.
Original

Aristotle says that people who are born into the correct social, family, and
community settings can obtain eudaimonia.

Revised

Aristotle believes people can obtain eudaimonia if they are born into the
correct settings.

I used which seven times. I reworded my sentences to make them easier to read. I split longer
sentences into two shorter sentences.
Original

For example, when a person wants to earn an A in a class, they have to

focus on the steps to reach this goal, which would include how much
effort they put forth on homework and tests and how well they understand
the material.

Revised

A student earns an A in a class by working hard on assignments and tests.

The individual goals make up the larger goal.

My paper follows my thesis closely. I referenced my thesis throughout my paper to provide

clarity.
SUMMARY OF LEARNED SKILLS
My philosophy essay showed me ways I can improve my writing. I can be more concise by
avoiding unnecessary words, varying sentence structures, and shortening sentences. I can be
more precise by using easier synonyms. I need to stop using passive writing. My essays are
easier to read when my topic sentences are clear. I will stop using metadiscourse. I will find a
better way to structure my paper and give my opinion. I can write clearer by avoiding who and
which.

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This memorandum showed me how to revise my writing. This will help me when writing and
editing my work.

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