THE CHRONICLES OF ABBYNORMAL :

Tortured Victim of the Daylight Dwellers

So here I am again, to open my veins and spill my pain onto your pages. My dark friend,
after sixteen years of totally boring existence, I come to you at last with a glimmer of
hope to break through the gloom that is my miserable life. OMG! I have found him! Or I
should say, he has found me.
Thats right, my Dark Lord has found me. A for-real vampyre. He is called the vampyre
Flood, and he didnt say, but I think he is descended from Europe a royaltya viscount
or a discount or one of those.
I was in Walgreens with Jared when we saw himand OMFG hes so hot, in a totally
stealth way. I would have thought he was just a totally mainstream geek or something,
with his flannel shirt and jeans, but he asked us about buying syringes and I totally saw
his fangs come out. So, I was like, I can hook you up with my dealer, like that, and then
he looked at my T-shirt and saw Byrons picture on it and he quoted She Walks in
Beauty, which is like my favorite poem next to the one by Baudelaire about his
girlfriend being nothing but worm food, except that Lily called that one first because
Baudelaire is her fave poet and so she got the shirt with him on it, even though Byron is
way more scrumptious and I would do him on sharp gravel if I had the chance.
So I went home and changed my clothes and fixed my makeup, and when we got to Glas
Kat we breezed by the door like we were twenty-five or something. Jared made our IDs
himself at Kinkos and we both look so mature in our pictures, although I think he overdid
it with the mustache. Anyway, we were there like ten minutes, and this song came on that
I really likeBoning You in the Ossuary, by Dead Can Dubwhich is so cool and
macabre. And I tried to get Jared to dance, but this guy comes by and grabs Jareds cape
and says, Blacks fade much? and that was it. Jared went into a level-five freak-out, and
turned into a total fuckwit, trying to get me to hide him and stuff, and then just saying he
couldnt take it any more and he had to go home and redye right then. So he abandoned
me to the dank loneliness that is the night and I bought a bottle of water and some chips
and got ready to grieve my lost youth, when HE showed up. OMG!
Check it, he actually knew Byron and Shelley! He used to party with them inSwitzerland
when they were all young. They all did laudanum and read ghost stories and stuff, and
then they actually invented Goth, right there in this villa on some lake. He is like THE
SOURCE! He took me for coffee and I wanted to give myself to him right there in
Starbucks. Lily will be totally jealous. So he said I have to wait. He is connected to some
ancient Celtic vampire countess and Im supposed to find them an apartment in the
morning. He even gave me the name of a rental agent to call and a big wad of cash. I
have to prove myself worthy of his trust, otherwise theres like no way hell bestow the
dark gift on me, and Ill totally have to finish my sophomore year and probably end up in
junior college or working at Old Navy or something.

So, since were off for Christmas break, Im going to call this woman and go find an
apartment for the vampyre Flood and the Celtic vampyre countess. And when Flood rises
from the grave at sunset, I will get my reward.
Im totally freaked about meeting the Celtic vampyre countess. Flood says she has a
temper. What if she hates me? Flood says hes not really into herits not like that. Its
like, shes his vampyre sire, and theyve been together for like five hundred years, so, you
know, they have history, and I can respect that.
NOTE: Make sure to find out if I need to move their native soil to the new apartment
before we move their coffins.
NOTE: Do I need to have a coffin made? Is it okay if its purple?
Oh yeah, my sister Ronnie has head lice.
THE CHRONICLES OF ABBY NORMAL :
Dedicated Servant of the Vampyre Flood
I have been to the lair of the vampyre Flood. I am part of the coven! Kinda. Okay, back
up. So I like slept till eleven, because were on Christmas break, only its called winter
break now because Jesus is AN OPPRESSIVE ZOMBIE BASTARD AND WE DO NOT
BOW DOWN TO HIS BIRTHDAY! At least not at Allen Ginsberg High School , we
dont. (Go, Fighting Beatniks!) But its all good, cause Im going to have to get used to
getting up later if Im going to be a creature of the night. So, like first thing, I made some
toast, and it burned, as black as my soul, and I was so bummed that my tears of despair
fell like cold bits of crystal, to be destroyed on the unforgiving rocks of this miserable
life.
But then I saw that Mom had left a twenty out on the counter with a note:
Allison (Allison is my day-slave namemy mom named me after some song by some
Elvis guy, so I totally refuse to accept it), heres your lunch money, and please stop at
Walgreens and pick up some RID shampoo for Ronnies head lice. (Veronica is my sister,
who is twelve and a total tumor on the ass of my existence.)
So, I was like, Sweet! Starbucks!
It took forever to pick what I was going to wear, and not just because Id never rented an
apartment before. The lightbulb burned out in my closet and we didnt have any extras, so
I had to take everything out in the living room to look at it in the light. Like the song
says, I wear black on the outside to reflect the black I feel on the inside, but OMG, its
impossible to tell one thing from another in a dark closet. Since it was going to be a
business thing, I decided on my striped tights with my red PVC mini, my
skull-and-crossbones hoodie, and my lime Converse All Stars. I went with just a plain
stud in my nose, a barbell in my eyebrow, and a simple silver ring in my lipunderstated
and elegant. I carried my hot-pink biohazard messenger bag.

Ronnie was all, I wanna come with you, I wanna come with you, but I pointed out that
she was a scourge on humanity and that if she came along I would tell everyone on the
bus she had lice, so she elected to stay home and watch toons. It was then that I ventured
into the undiscovered country, and called the number that the vampyre Flood had given
me.
And the woman was totally a bitch.
She was like, Hello. Blah Blah Property Management.
And I was like, I need to rent an apartment.
And she was all, How many bedrooms and did you have an area in mind?
And I was all, Whats with all the questions, bitch? Are you some kind of thought police
or something?
And she was like, Im just trying to help.
Right, help. Like tuberculosis.
So shes all, I beg your pardon, like the queen of freakinFrance or something.
And then I remembered that I was supposed to ask for a specific person, so I was like,
Oh, I need to speak to Alicia DeVries, Is she there?
And the bitch connected me.
So it turns out that Alicia DeVries is this crusty hippie who is like as old as my grandma,
but wants to be all Earth Mother and everything, which Im not against, because old
hippies have the best pot and theyll just give it to you if you pretend not to notice that
theyre crusty and old. So Alicia picks me up in her crust-mobile rainbow peace-and-love
Jeep CJ and I give her the requirements of the vampyre Flood, which were bedroom with
no windows, a washer and dryer, private entrance with lockout, and, at least above the
ground floor, windows looking down on the street.
And shes all, We have to have a Social Security number and drivers license number for
the paperworkyou have to be eighteen.
So Im, My client will provide all the information you need, its just that hes very busy
and cant deal with piss ant details during the day. Then I waved the cash that Flood
gave me and she went all spacey, over-meditated, namaste on me, like its not about the
money when its really about the money. Then she takes me to this loft, which it turns out
is only like a half a block from the address where Flood said to meet him at sundown.
Sweet!
So Im all, Excellent, the master will be pleased.
And shes like, Ill make you out a receipt.
Then she starts to lecture me about respecting myself as a woman, and not allowing
myself to be subjugated to the desires of an older man and shitlike Im this corporate
fuck-puppet for some creepy businessman or something. I didnt want her to get
suspicious and try to rescue me, so Im like, No, you misunderstand, I call him the
master because hes the sensei of my jujitsu dojohes not boning me or anything.
Luckily I have an extensive martial-arts background from watching anime with Jared and
I knew that one must never bone the sensei.

So she like reaches over and pats my knee. All, Thats okay, sweetheart.
And Im like, Step off, rug-muncher! I mean, Im as bi as the next person, but not with
some crusty old hippieI need music and some X, and then only if some guy has
rejected me and thrown my heart into the gutter like an abandoned vegetarian burrito
and even then I draw the line at making out.
So she gave me the keys and took my money and just, like, left me there. So I called Lily,
who came over with a two-liter of Diet Green Tea, a bag of Cheese Newts (I still hadnt
had breakfast), and some book she found called The Big Book of Death. So we looked at
the book, which is this how-to thing with great art, and drank tea and ate Cheese Newts
until she had to go to work. I wanted to tell her about the vampyre Flood, but I promised
that I would keep his secret, so all I told her was that I had discovered my Dark Lord, and
he would soon satisfy my every desire and I couldnt tell her anything else. So she was
all, what ever, ho, which is what I like about herLily is trs noir.So I walked over to
the Sony Metreon and watched the flat-screens until it started to get dark.
I was already about ready to pee with nervous ness when I got to Floods door, but then,
just as I get my key in the door, this big Hummer limo pulls up, and these three collegeage guys climb out followed by this blue woman in a silver dress with ginormous fake
boobs. And theyre all, Where is Flood? We need to find Flood? And shes all, Where
did you get the key? You need to let us in before it gets dark.
Im not intimidatedbecause I know that her boobs are fake. And its so obvious that
they hunt the nosferatu that its not even funny. Inside, I was like: Ha, suck my spiky
rubber strap-on, vampyre hunter!
But on the outside I was totally chill. And Im like, I dont know who youre talking
about. This is my apartment. Then I opened the door and inside, lying on the landing,
theres this dead guy with a huge bald cat in a red sweater on his chest. And the cat hissed
at me and I screamed just a little bit and slammed the door. You have to go, I said. My
boyfriend is naked and he gets mad if strangers see his enormous unit. I looked right at
the blue bitch when I said that, like: Oh yeah, some of us are confident enough in our
own femininity that we dont need fake tits to get a guy with a huge unit.
And the black guy is like, I just talked to Flood here last night.
And I was like, Yeah, he moved.
Then the Asian guy checked his watch and was like, Dude, too late, its officially
sunset.
And it was like it was on cue or something, the cat on the dead guy let out a long scary
yowl, and even the blue skank backed away toward the limo.
Youd better go now, I said, all ominous and full of foreboding and dread.
And she was all, Well be back.
And I was like, So?
So they went. But then I had to get past the cat and the dead guy and go up the steps. I
have to say, that as much as Im all about the peace of the grave and the glorious gloom
of the nonliving and all, its different when theres a real dead guy you have to walk over,
not to mention a really big, angry cat in a sweater.

NOTE OF SELF: Always carry Kitty Treats for Self-Defense (because evidently they
dont like Skittles, which I tried).
Since I didnt have any kitty treats, I got by the preternaturally big-ass cat by opening the
door wide and yelling, Hey, kitty, go away! Much to my amazement, the cat ran out of
the doorway and hid under a parked car. It was like I already had vampyre powers to
command the Children of the Night. Then I had to get past the dead guy on the landing,
which was sort of like dead-guy hopscotch, but I got up the stairs and managed only to
step on one of his arms. I was hoping he really was dead, and not one of the nosferatu,
because then he might be pissed off when he rose. He certainly smelled dead, the fetid
stench of the charnel house emanated from him like a foul miasma of evil, as they say in
the books.
So I opened the door, and I go, Lord Flood, theres a stinky dead guy with a huge cat on
your landing. Thinking that I would get total loyal-servant brownies.
Then I saw her, the ancient vampyre mistressher skin like alabaster, or you know, no
zits at all, and she seemed to glow with inner power. I could see why even a powerful
vampyre like Flood might be helpless under her awesome strengths, gathered over the
ages by sucking the lifeblood of thousands of helpless victims, probably kids. And she
was like, drinking a cup of coffee out of aGarfield mug, as if flaunting her immortality in
the face of us petty, insignificant mortals. She had on only a bathrobe, which was partly
open in front, so you could see that she had like great cleavage, ancient total skank that
she was.
So Im like, Hi.
And shes like, So, Wednesday, you know Buffys not a real person, right?
Bitch.