Revision Matrix WP2

Text from my
initial WP
submission:
(a phrase,
sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move,
punctuation,
piece of
evidence, etc.)
Any concept, action,
or observation we
make in this world
can be view from
countless different
lenses or
perspectives.

An observation
or question I
received from
De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s)
How this
I made to what change impacts
I initially
my paper:
wrote: (ie, the
change[s] I made
to column 1)

Agreed. Any chance

you could set up this
comment with more
of a hook? Use this
as the 2nd "punch" of
a 1-2 punch?

Imagine telling a
monk, a
businessman, and a
marine biologist
about a free trip to
Hawaii. Each one of
them is likely to be
excited but for very
different reasons. The
monk might view
Hawaii as an
opportunity for
spiritual
enlightenment
through meditation
surrounded by nature.
The businessman
might see an
opportunity learn
about the massive
tourism industry and
the role it plays in the
economy of Hawaii.
The marine biologist
would likely be
thrilled for a chance
to explore the ocean
life around the
islands. All are
different and all are
valid. Any concept,
action, or observation
we make in this
world can be view

I think this spices

up my paper
from the start. It
is intended to
draw the reader
into the concept
of lenses and
perspectives,
and how
fascinating it can
be to analyze a
common idea
from the
perspectives of
different
disciplines and
people.

from countless
different lenses or
perspectives.
The scholarly pieces
provide analysis from
psychological and
sociological
perspectives
regarding a research
gap in their
respective fields
while the Huffington
Post article focuses
more heavily on the
presentation of the
information than it
does on the content.
Each individual step
that each of these
sources uses to gather
and compile their
information is a
move that they
make. All of these
different moves
play a huge role in
the effectiveness of
the rhetoric whether
they improve or
diminish its efficacy.

The scholarly pieces

provide unique
perspective on a
research gap while
the Huffington Post
article focuses more
heavily on the
presentation of the
information than it
does on the content.
All of these different
moves play a huge
role in the
effectiveness of the
rhetoric.

This is a solid
overview, Dan -- not
too shabby, my man.
I'd like you to get just
a bit more specific,
though.

Each of the three

pieces I looked into
has its own unique
elements.

Not a specificenough topic

sentence. Give me
more direction -ideally, direction that
leads back to your
central argument.

The first article I

looked into is from
the Association for
Psychological
Science and is
titled

It is laid out as an
observational study
for the most part with
some interviewing
embedded into it.

Just some, huh?

Well? What was it?

It is laid out as an
observational study
with data taken from
interviews.

I delved into the

concept of
moves a lot
more in the
second version of
this and I think it
gives my reader
a better
understanding of
my thesis.

Goal of this
paragraph is to
introduce the
article and the
old beginning
didnt serve that
function. This
one does.
The first version
of this is unclear.
This adjustment
makes my
statement more
definitive and
actually gets the

I do not believe that

this scholarly article
setting is the right
way to portray this
kind of information
to that audience.

Unless this is a part

of your argument -which it could be, but
I don't think it is, at
least not in the way
you framed it -- it's
irrelevant.

DELETED

Teachers of
multicultural
classrooms were
asked how they
would show affection
to their students (in
order to promote a
safe learning
environment) and
whether they would
act differently
towards their students
who were from
different cultural
backgrounds and
whose first language
was not English.

I'd like you to "tidy

up" this sentence a
bit. Tetris it. See if
you can get more
flow going -- some
punctuation and/or
re-ordering might
help.

Teachers of
multicultural
classrooms were
asked how they
would show affection
to their students.
Would they act
differently towards
their students who
were from different
cultural
backgrounds?
Towards those who
were just learning
English?

point across.
Totally irrelevant
and could just
confuse the
reader. Noted
and taken care
of. Essay is now
more intentional.
This part of the
essay now flows
better and
doesnt confuse
the reader (or
me).