Personal Change Journal

Note: Other Oriented has: social decentering (conscious thought of anothers

thoughts and feelings), empathizing (responding emotionally to their feelings).
Requires gathering as much information as possible from the other person.

2/3/15
I had an interaction with my girlfriend at the gym when we were relaxing at the pool. We were talking and
having a good time and I found myself caught off guard when she said that when shes really drunk she just really
wants to have an orgy. I found myself immediately shut down. This is a topic we have discussed several times and I
felt immediate disgust and sadness. She recognized the affect it had on me and we both actively tried to change the
emotions with no effect. I decided to push away without her near me for about ten minutes. I took the time to
regulate my emotions, and think about my goals and whether I could have a healthy discussion about my feelings,
interpretations, and desires for our relationship.
Things I did:
I identified specific goals, which were to have a discussion, express my thoughts and feelings, to check my
perceptions, to be other-oriented, and to identify a solution we both want (Beebe, p. 81, 247,). I walked with her to
her car and had a discussion about what she said. I expressed what I want, how I feel when she says thing that I can
perceive as a desire for intimacy outside our relationships, that we have talked about this about 6 times and every
time we have had a similar response from me. I checked my perception actively by asking what she means when
she says that each time (Beebe, p. 81). She explained herself honestly saying that its manipulative to get a feel for
where Im at and that she has felt conditioned to say things like that to entice the attraction of the men in her life
throughout her adolescence and adult life. I was mindful, other-oriented by having us go back and forth, I asked
questions, talked about what my interpretations are, and I was able to talk about how these talks affect my trust. That
my values are monogamous, and we got to really clarify what both our values are and thoughts are, we really
evaluated the situation and came up with a solution. For her it was to find new solutions for the attention she likes by
kissing girls, or talking about intimacy that includes more than just myself, for me it was to ask if I could trust her to
be faithful to me, and to trust what she has told me.
Things I didnt do:
-Plan my message actively and write it out before going into the discussion i.e., manage emotions (Beebe, p. 240251).
-Take the time to build a rapport before going into a discussion

2/19/16
While at a restaurant my girlfriend and I got into a conflict. We left the restaurant and tried to talk in the car about
what was going on. I decided be other-oriented and check my perceptions by asking her what was going on. The
conversation seemed very negative and directed at me like I have all these issues, past things came up, and it started
to feel like an ego conflict. I noticed myself getting very sad and focused on my feelings. The intensity of the
situation didnt feel like it fit what had transpired at all so I decided to be there for her and just ask how I can help or
what I can do differently for her. I held her close and kissed her gently as she began to cry. As the conversation
continued and ended, she vented, was able to unload and she became more calm. Eventually after crying and having
me comfort her she relaxed and found her center. She admitted that she just had a freak out from all her stress
working for 12 hour shifts in a row as a nurse and that she was sorry. She said how much she appreciated me being
there for her when shes falling apart. It was hard with all the negativity that transpired from the emotional dumping
onto me but I believe a lot of good came from me being other-oriented and there for her.
Things I did:

-Managed my goals, my goal was to talk and figure out what was going on, but most of all was to be there for her.
-Managed my emotions by being aware of them and by keeping my goal in mind I was able to bring myself away
from my hurt feelings, and impression of being attacked and rather be able to be comforting for her
-Managed the problem by noticing a pseudo conflict in development and changing my goal to be other-oriented and
empathetic of her needs and feelings.
I came up with a solution by thinking about the triggers that had transpired to build into our conflict. I discussed
wanting her to address if I joke our say something that strikes a nerve or brings up uncomfortable emotions in the
moment they happen so that I can address them then rather than having something develop into a larger problem
later. She was able to address some things she would like from me that were unrelated to the actual conflict at hand.

Things I didnt do:

-In the moment the conflict did not enable me to be skillful in a way where I use my method to engage.
- We didnt try to find a mutual solution because the situation was already too intense, so our goal became getting
back to being comfortable.

2/28/15
Today I went to go have a talk with my girlfriend about our future together. We had both previously
discussed wanting this conversation, we decided we would think about it before hand and answer specific questions
each of us had then discuss them together on Sunday. We began by going out together for lunch, it was my idea
because I wanted to build a rapport before having a discussion. I wanted us to feel connected, happy, and also gauge
our readiness to have this talk before going into it.
As we spent time together I noticed Cat say several things that I was somewhat sensitive to. I noticed
myself feeling uncomfortable emotions, and the impression that she wasnt ok. I asked her several times if she was
ok and she said that she was, that she is just tired, and sometimes acted this way right when she wakes up. We
decided to get lunch to go so we could eat at the park and enjoy the day with each other. When driving I asked
Catherine if she would like to have our talk about our future together on another day. She happily agreed, I could see
a lot of tension in her body leave, like it was causing her extra stress. I took the time to ask lots of questions about
her last few days and her upcoming week so that I could really empathize with the stress she is under working as a
nurse and getting her doctorate. We ended up having a wonderful time at the park together and went to get ice cream
before going home to our books to study.

Things I did:
-Aware of personal barriers (Beebe, p. 80-82): I didnt treat ongoing behaviors as definitive of how Cat is and took
them as situational, and I was accepting of change when it was effective.
-Check perceptions (Beebe, p. 80-82): Direct perception checking by asking if she was ok.
-Aware of other perceptions (Beebe, p. 80-82): I took feedback actively from Cat.
-Other-oriented (Beebe, p. 80-82): I was asking questions and empathizing with her to really understand her
situation.
-Managed my emotions (Beebe, p. 240-251): I was aware of the uncomfortable feelings I had and actively
regulated them. I also took the time to build a rapport and healthy environment for a discussion, I used self-talk and
prepared myself ahead of time for our discussion and possible avenues it would take.
-Managed information (Beebe, p. 240-251): I checked perceptions, empathy and other-oriented, I took turns
talking without rambling my thoughts and feelings and being a self-centered listener.

-Managed goals (Beebe, p. 240-251): I had specific goals of building a rapport and having a comfortable
environment before talking, setting a comfortable place to meet so that she could leave if need be and it would be
more public, and lastly I had the goal of discussing our futures that we had both thought of answers to one anothers
questions. We didnt get to see how each others goals were similar and look for mutual solutions to our future,
however we did get to find a common goal in having a healthy conversation and postponing it so that we could
rather enjoy each other and relax from some of our stress for a little while.

Things I didnt do:

-I noticed me using you language affectively when I said things like your being really hard on me, however I would
like to have used more I language like how I learned in the Verbal Communication skills: Describe your
feelings, rather than criticize and Manage Information section of my book (Beebe, p. 174-175 & 240-251).
-I noticed that Cat talked about her day and her stress and I didnt paraphrase her emotions which would have
been useful feedback for her (Beebe, p. 144-146).

3/5/16
A couple days ago I spent time with Catherine. She had already expressed that day that she was sensitive
and struggling to get things done. Rather than her going to the gym like she needed, me accompanying her to the
gym because she couldnt find the motivation to get up, or her staying home and resting because I needed to study,
we found common ground and agreed to have her to come over and study with me because we are both more
motivated to study together, I also offered to get her favorite drink to cheer her up. When she was over she was so
tired she didnt want to get up so I picked her up and held her on the couch saying that I wanted to be close to her
while I eat. She got real happy then tried to burrow into me as I was picking up my food. The two didnt mix well
and the food got knocked everywhere, I said something profane and she jumped up quick to clean it up apologizing
and kicked over her favorite 40oz or so favorite drink onto the carpet. I stood up saying you have to be kidding me.
She immediately throws her coat in the line of fire having soda fall from the table onto it. She runs to the bathroom
and brings a towel to clean it up all before I have started moving. I start picking up rice and chicken as she cleans. I
see how frantically she is working at cleaning up the mess. I know shes been so tired and at the end of her rope that
it brings her to tears. I know she is so exhausted that sitting up straight seems like a chore. I tell Catherine to relax
that I will go and get some more towels and stuff to clean the carpet. She, of course being stubborn ,continued to
clean it with me even after I told her several times it wasnt a big deal, to relax, to not waist what little energy she
has on this mess, and that I would take care of it. As we were cleaning, rather than being upset, I found myself
laughing at how ridiculous and big the mess got in two simple motions. I found humor in us both spending our little
bit of energy we were saving to study to frantically clean the carpet. I was able to be kind and caring rather than
angry and focused on the person not the problem. It made me incredibly happy.
Something came up in passing while talking with Catherine, (what was it?). Told her it was in passing and
it wasnt important. I took her hand in mine, reassured her that I loved her, and apologized for having caused her
some discomfort. She asked me why Im so good today and expressed that I keep saying and doing the right things.
She continued saying that I have been just what she has needed lately and that it makes her feel safer and closer to
me knowing that I can be comforting and there for her when shes falling apart.

3/12/16

Conflict as a Process (Beebe p. 223):

Source: Prior Conditions

I noticed that my girlfriend and I have had an ongoing issue with her not keeping her commitments when it
comes to plans. I identified this situation as a simple conflict because it develops from the difference in
perspectives we had. Her goal is to be well rested and feel good, while my goal is to be punctual and
maintain our plans. Furthermore, it has been something we have addressed and attempted to find a mutual
solution too, yet she has not implemented the solution this lead to me having a perceived lack of fairness
(Beebe p. 226-228).

Beginning: Frustration Awareness

I noticed my frustration begin when the time she promised to call me came and passed. I noticed my
frustration continue and become a larger issue when hours passed by. I engaged in self-talk and thought
about a lot of ways to go about engaging in the situation. Some were appealing from uncomfortable feeling
I almost wanted to say to her when she messaged me not to worry that it happened again because Im
getting used to being disappointed. My self-talk continued as I tried to identify a goal that I wanted and
how to best engage in the conflict where I get desirable results.

Middle: Active Conflict

I chose to not say anything negative or hurtful, to wait until I heard from her and see what she had to say
before I tried to express myself. I decided I wanted to attempt using more conflict management styles that I
targeted in my personal change proposal. When she woke and messaged me she expressed feeling sorry,
that she wasnt feeling well and had overslept. I showed sympathy but not empathy which I think was a
softer way of expressing I was frustrated. She picked up that I was frustrated, and I used that opportunity to
say that I it makes me feel like Im not a priority when this happens, that it would have been nice for her to
set an alarm to keep our plans in the first place, so I could have known what was happening.

End: Resolution

Our conversation continued and I was able to empathize with her not feeling well. I was able to use I
extended-I language and express that I was bothered and asked that she tell me next time (Beebe p. 175).
She seemed very receptive and made commitments to do better. She kept expressing that she understood
what bothered me, why it bothered me, that it was ongoing, and that she was sorry without any prompt
from me. She was able to explain herself and feel heard and understood without any invalidation on my
end.

Aftermath: Follow-Up

We havent had an opportunity yet to engage in a successful follow up.

What I learned:

I learned mostly about what my triggers are and how to identify them; as well as, getting a more in depth
understanding and awareness in identifying what prior conditions are involved in my conflicts. I also
thought about many conflicts we have had and I have seen that the follow up in our conflict consists of
mainly engaging in kind acts. Often times we are successful in noticing on another implement a change or
goal we have discussed and taking time to validate the other person for it.