A Spiritual Memoir

By:
Natalie Dalton

Union Institute & University

12/20/2015

When it comes to anyones life there are moments and experiences that shape the way the
rest of their lives will be. For myself, I have only been on this Earth for 21, almost 22 years.

Most people my age have not had many things that have happened to them or things in their lives
that were life changing. I am the youngest of 4 and I have been a sponge to my 3 sisters lives
and my parents lives. There have been many things that my family has went through form one
sister having an addiction problem, another trying to kill herself, and the last one going through
an eating disorder. I have also experienced things with my parents, from my mom having cancer
and being lucky enough to beat it and my dad having different medical issues, including needing
a spinal fusion. I could go on, but I would be able to write a novel, and it could possibly become
a trilogy of novels.
Even though I have had many events in my life that make me think about things
differently there is one that rises above them all. This event all started January 28th, 2014. This
was the eve of my 20th birthday. I started my day out by going to the hospital to be there for my
maternal grandmothers open heart surgery. My family was on edge that day because of it being a
major surgery, but also because my grandma was 76 years old, it was also her first open heart
surgery. On that day there was my mom, one of my sisters, two of my uncles, and myself. We all
started the day out fairly early and thought that the surgery would go fine, we all believed in the
surgeon and that it was the best option for her to feel better. The surgery began and the thing that
was on everyones mind was about the bypass. For most open heart surgeries people are on
bypass for about 1 hour at the most. When it came to her surgery, she was on the bypass for a
little over 2 hours; this was the time that my heart sunk. I was thinking it was the worst thing
possible; they could not get her heart to restart after the bypass. We found out after the surgery
that she did well, the reason the bypass happened for so long was because of the surgeon having
trouble finding pieces of artery to use from her legs. There was a problem because she has a
history of vascular issues and there was a lot of scar tissue. My grandma did as expected while

she was in the hospital, there was one thing that made it hard on her and that was hearing about
her sister passing away, and she knew that she would not be able to attend the funeral.
Once she was released from the hospital and able to go home she went to my Uncle
Bobs house. There was some time where she was doing pretty well with the surgery. She was
sent home with a machine that was attached to her open chest wound to pull out and fluid or
infection that could form from the surgery. After the machine was removed she was back to
doing some of the things she enjoyed, such as cooking. There was a little bit of time that passed
and her chest wound was not healing the right way. She went to a doctor and they said that she
had infection in the wound and that they needed to put the machine back on her to try to get
some relief. After it was taken off she was then required to have a dressing and packing done to
her chest 2 times a day. At first my Aunt, Midge, was the main person that would care for my
grandma, when it came to changing dressing and with other care that was needed. It went on for
a while that the infection was just not going away in her chest and the sites on her legs were
starting to show some issues, along with a place where she had scratched her leg. My mom and I
took her to Ohio State to be evaluated for the infection and why the sites were not healing. This
was around late April or early May of that year. While she was there the doctor had a new
regimen that needed to be done to the wounds. I was then starting to be around more at my
uncles house and helped my grandma with dressing changes and cleaning the wound. When I
first started doing this for her she told me not to, but I told her that it was no problem. There was
even one time that when flushing the wound with saline that I missed the wound and hit up
against her arm and it bounced off and hit me in the face, there were times like that when she
would laugh a little bit, but I could tell that she was not happy and that she was in pain. She went

back at least 2 more times and it looked like the wounds were beginning to heal up, she was then
released back to the local wound clinic that she went to.
It was around the end of 2014 that she was admitted to the hospital because of having a
few health issues, it was then determined that her kidney function was not doing well. Other than
the kidney issue and recently healing up she started to decline with her overall health. She was in
the hospital multiple times during this part of the year and in the end was released to a
rehabilitation place to see if it would help her. Being there was not what she wanted, so my
family worked as hard as they could to get her back to my uncles house. While they were
working on this we would take turns to be there as much as possible so she did not feel like she
was alone. Around Christmas of that year she was still in the facility and just wanted to go home,
my uncle was able to take her home and she was happy to be back. By this time her chest had
already cleared up, but she now had a new leg wound. It was unknown of how or where she got
tis wound, but it was being taken care of. During the time that my grandma was in the facility I
went and visited her as much as I was able to, she was at the point that she was wheelchair
bound and could not do some of the basic things for herself.
Once my grandma was back to my Uncles house she was still having kidney function
issues, that started earlier on, but she made up her mind to not have dialysis. When she came
home she was considered terminal because of the progression of the kidney function issues. Then
she was put into hospice care and things really changed. She was now bedridden and needed help
from someone for pretty much everything. Almost all of the time that she was in hospice it would
be my mom, my aunt Midge, and me that would take care of my grandma. This involved bed
sheet changes, depend changing, some help with eating and drinking, and personal hygiene. At
first when it came to her being bedridden she would help as much as possible with the different

things going on. Many times when changing her we would roll her from one side to the other and
she would grab my hand and hold on as much as possible. Over the next couple months her
health declined even more, she was then to the point of not being able to help with things
because of the fact that she was very weak.
Even though her health was declining and she knew it was happening, she was still
laughing and picking on us. Her and Midge would laugh with each other and pick on each other
daily. The usual was calling each other old ladies. It was around mushroom hunting season and
my grandma loved morel mushrooms, she would get after Midge about getting her some
mushrooms and Midge got some. My grandma was not eating much at this time and she ate a
mushroom sandwich, the most she had ate in a while. Before that it had been a few weeks when
she ate a tomato sandwich, also one of her favorites.
Now it was about the end of April and she spent most days sleeping and not talking too
much, she stopped eating and was only drinking a little. Over the last few months the new leg
wound was getting worse and it was painful for her to deal with, and it had to have dressing
changes a lot too. We all knew what was going to happen; it was just a matter of time. It was
about the first of the second week of May of 2015 and she was very talkative and was talking
about old times and was very engaged with all of us. The next day she was back to the way she
had been. The wound on her leg had become worse and it was because her body could not fight
the infection, it started to have a foul smell not matter how often it was cleaned, it then became
so bad, that we believe she had her body riddled with infection. On May 7th, 2015 the hospice
ladies were there to check my grandma and clean her and just make sure everything was going
alright. Normally I would have been doing something else when they were there, but I offered to
help them that day. We had her rolled over to clean her and the head nurse said that her breathing

was changing. We rolled her onto her back and they told me to get my mom and to tell everyone
that it was time. When I went to tell my mom to come inside I told her that it was time, she said
time for what. When I did not say anything she knew, but she could not believe it. At the time
there was my mom and I, which we were staying there constantly to help out, my Aunt and
Uncle, one of my sisters, and my grandmas only living sibling and only brother and his wife. We
all gathered around my grandma and knew that the inevitable was coming. My mom and uncle
were at both sides of her holding her hands and I was right next to my mom. I had my hand on
my grandmas leg and after a few labored breaths, my grandma passed away. She passed away at
4:04 PM that day and I just did not know how to feel, I had never seen someone die right in front
of me. I made the calls to my other sisters and my dad to tell them what happened. On that day
before she passed, we knew it would be soon. I was working on a slide show of pictures for the
funeral and she had asked my mom if I would write her eulogy, because I had written one for my
grandfather and she liked it. I was also working on that. Even though she was not very
responsive that day and sleep all day, she looked over at me while I was working on this stuff
and just stared at me for a little bit, I wondered what she was thinking and I still do not know
what it was.
A few days had passed since she passed away and it was now mothers day, more difficult
than I could imagine, my mom took it very hard and I was there to comfort her. Then it was the
day of the funeral, the service is exactly what she would have wanted. Nothing too fancy and
was just simple. I read my eulogy and I know that she would have liked it. We put her to rest
right next to my grandfather and they were finally together again.

Reflecting on this event has brought up some strong emotions. There are things that I
think about that makes me cherish all that I have and those in my life. Too add onto the event I
also wanted to say the following things about it. At the time of all this going on I had gotten a
job, this was right before my grandma was at her worst, and I battled with going to work versus
wanting to help her out. I decided to take the job, mostly because she told me that she would be
mad at me if I gave up a job for her. I was working in a hospital and one day I just could not do
it, I had only just started the job about 3 days ago and I just knew that my heart was somewhere
else. My supervisor already knew of my grandmother being terminally ill and told me that she
would do whatever she could. I decided to leave that job and my supervisor told me that she
would do the same thing. I then was going to my stay at my uncles many times a week to help.
When it came to leaving the job I knew that I made the best choice, if it had not been for that I
would have not been able to have the time I did with her before her passing.
Another piece of information is that my mom is the only girl out of her parents children.
The 5 boys would not help out with my grandma, it did not have to be what I did but they would
not even come around to visit with her, but maybe once this whole time. Also, out of 12
grandchildren, I was the only one to offer my help, there were many others who were closer in
distance and did not have anything holding them back form helping out.
Those two points that I just mentioned are the things that I think of the most. I think of
the fact that I gave up a job, my time, my energy, my money, and my life to care for my
grandma. At the time I did not think of this being something that I did, it was not until recently
that I made this discovery. I am not saying that I gave up so much and no one else could do
anything. I say this because I would not change it for anything, I was able to help my grandma,
the lady that brought my mom into the world, the lady that would change my diapers, that would

wipe my nose, that would have time for me whenever I needed. This is something that is only in
the minds of my mom, my aunt and uncle, and me. That made a bond between us 4 that my
grandma would be happy to have happen, and it was all because of her.
When it comes to this life event I know that one thing that really came into play was my
values. The values that were instilled in me by my mother and then by my grandmother. The
same values that I held onto when caring for my grandma. I think of this event as just doing the
right thing. I did not expect any type of reward, or sign of approval, or anything else in return. I
have been told my whole life that we should help each other, family and strangers.
Along with my values I know that there are ethical and social implications to them.
Dealing with the ethical implications of my values to me is, in this case, being respectful of the
person that I am helping. When caring for my grandma I was respectful of her wishes and would
not push her to do anything she was able to do. I was caring for her in a very close way and I
would not go out and tell everything about what was going on to the fine details, this paper is
missing more details for that very reason. I feel as if my values boil down to respecting others,
just like caring for a person that has helped care for me in my life.
When it comes to the social implications of my values I know that they are important. In
this case they have to do with whoever was around me at the time. I know that social
implications can go out much farther in a population. During the time of being a caregiver I
know that my values would affect my mom, my aunt, and my uncle and my grandma. The base
value that I have mentioned is being respectful and heling out. This was also with being around
my aunt and uncles house. I would do dishes or laundry and other things around the house that
would make it easier for us all to do what we were focused on.

Even though this was a small thing that did not really effect a large population I know
that it did affect more than just my grandma. I would say that the larger population would be my
family and my grandmas family. They knew that because I was there that my grandma was in
the best care possible and that I would be very attentive to my grandma in her time of need. I
know that it affected more people because there were a few family members that thanked me for
what I did and what I gave up.
I want to reflect a bit more on this event in my life, it has only been a few months since
my grandma has passed away and I am still processing and grieving what has happened. There
were many things that come up during a time like this. The one that I always had on my mind
was if my grandma was in pain. We would all ask her ad she would say no for a very long time.
Then there was a time that she needed medication for the pain. Considering some of the wounds
that she had it was not surprising. The hardest part for me was when I could see how much pain
she was in, it was not always physical pain, and that it was hurt me more than ever.
You might be asking yourself by now why I decided on bringing up this event. It is
something that I feel as if made me change the way I am and it also has made me change the way
I see my family and how I view the world and also what I value.
There are many people that would not want to see their loved ones at their worse, of
course I did not want to see my grandma at her worse, but I knew it was when she needed the
most help. I might be repeating myself about this, but I am just not sure of how to word it. In a
way I could say it is a humbling experience, but I could also say it was an experience that taught
me the most, I could also say that I just know this was the right thing to do that is just the way I
was raised.

In the end of all of this I think I know what I really gained form this. I could say that it is
a better understanding of why people are the way they are, or I could say that I see things in a
different way, or that I did not gain anything form this. I would have to say that I was able to gain
a better connection and relationship with my grandma before she passed, but in the end I know
that I really gained a better understanding of my mother and that I know that there will be some
day that this will happen to my mother and that I will know what to do, but that would not be
fully correct. I will say that I do have better understanding of my mom because of helping her
through all of this.
To quote the text of writing the sacred journey, Theres no such thing as a bad
experience. I know that this is very true, even though this was a difficult time in my life I know
that there are many things I can take from it. Somethings I know I cannot put into words. There
is one thing that I know I gained and that is, that we never know what tomorrow will bring us. It
might be great or it could be horrible, no matter what always care for those who cared for you
because tomorrow might be their horrible day and you can change it into a great tomorrow.
In the end, I know that I have grown with this and that I also know I will forever
remember this experience and that I would not change anything for what happened.
When it comes to this course I know that it brought this event out of me and made me see
it in a different way. This course has made me find the meaning of this event. I look at week 6,
and another part from writing the scared journey, Elizabeth J. Andrews said this:
A great many writers are interested in memoir because they understand it to be a
spiritual practice. On the surface, writing memoir seems like a flat transcription of memories,
but once you begin writing you discover that it is more like call and response. You start out to

write one funny mishap (say, the time your parents accidently left you at the gas station during
the family vacation) and find yourself reflecting on abandonment. You write your reflections on
abandonment, including other memories, and discover a rooted belief that all love entails
leaving. When you ask yourself what this might say about the sacred, you feel an onslaught of
anger thats been welling since that first mishap. You let your anger rip the page. Upon revision,
your story becomes textured, multilayered.
This made me think about the event in a more involved way, I was able to look at the
layers of what was going on and found that the main theme of it was that I was able to make the
time that my grandma had left with us mean something to her and others. I know that by the time
she passed that she had lived a full life and did everything she wanted to do. That is what matters
the most.
Another aspect of this course to draw from is Leo Tolstoys Confession. During the
course I remember this quote more than anything else from this piece of work. "Live in
conformity with progress", I was like a man in a boat who when carried along by wind and
waves should reply to what for him is the chief and only question. "Whither to steer", by saying,
"We are being carried somewhere." With this quote I relate it to this event because this event is
all a part of my story and where I am going. If it were not for this event I would not be the same
person I am today. This event has changed me and has molded me into what I am today and will
affect me wherever I am carried.
I will also leave you with this: Believe in what is right in your heart, it might not seem
like it matters at first, but in the end it will.