Laughing with Cancer

Arthur van Amerongen, writer and columnist of the Volkskrant (Dutch daily newspaper) is
obsessed with cancer. His father, mother and brother died from cancer, three-fourths of his friends
have died from cancer and recently his good friend Albert de Lange has been told his cancer is
refractory (he has been given up by the doctors).
De Lange describes the end his life in details in his column Deadline for Het Parool (a national
daily newspaper).
Rob Muntz, together with his friend Arthur, has come to say goodbye to their friend Albert.
Meanwhile, Arthur van Amerongen has a lump in his neck and confessed to Rob he is afraid to die
of cancer, like all the others.
Rob Muntz hardly recognizes Arthur: the once ferocious and wild writer does not smoke or drink
anymore, he has completely stopped using drugs and he swears by his juicer and his anti cancer
diet of beetroot and carrot juice. He lives a secluded life in the wilderness of the Algarve, together
with his three dogs.
Rob Muntz decides to visit Arthur in the Algarve, together with program maker Willem Davids who
has just been cured of prostate cancer. Muntz falls from one to the other surprise in this black and
dark documentary about cancer.
(This radio documentary is also a parody on the TV ego document 'Retour Heaven' by Mark Bos, a
Dutch television maker with prostate cancer).
Albert de Lange passed away om April the 24th, 2015, two days before the broadcasting of this
documentary. He was 57 years old. This documentary is dedicated to him.

Laughing with Cancer Transcript

SFX - traffic, barking dogs
ARTHUR

(mumbling)

ROB:

You have to articulate more, Van Amerongen

ARTHUR

yeah yeah

ROB:

No, seriously

ARTHUR

I am completely clean now, for 13 months. But when I have one glass of whisky
The relapse, you know

ROB

How come?

ARTHUR

Well, I got a a drugs and alcohol career of 40 years. I dont get rid of that monkey on
my back in one year.

ROB

Aha.
We are now at the front door of Alberts house. Who is Albert exactly?

ARTHUR

A great journalist, former deputy editor of Het Parool. I have always been a fan of
him. And he of me

ROB

Okay. So now we will visit him on his death bed.

SFX doorbell steps on stair / Music

ALBERT

Four and half months ago the doctor told me there is nothing left to do.

SFX - dogs barking

ARTHUR

If I say cancer, they start barking. Unbelievable!

ROB:

Yes, sure

ARTHUR:

Say cancer!

SFX Barking dog

ARTHUR

Good dog! Search the cancer. Fetch it. Give it to me. Let go! Let go the cancer!

Start music / SFX - juicer

ROB: You really fling whatever you want into that thing.
ARTHUR:

Its all part of the fight against cancer. Oooooh!

SFX - juicer

VOICE OVER

Program maker Rob Muntz is friends with journalist Albert de Lange and
Volkskrant columnist Arthur van Amerongen.
Albert de Lange has cancer and is no longer treatable.
Arthur van Amerongen has an obsession with cancer.

ROB

What are you doing?

ARTHUR

Well I'm going to make you a nice fresh carrot juice.

VOICE OVER

Rob Muntz visited him in the Algarve, where the writer leads a secluded life
with his three dogs.

ROB

You use a lot of carrots?

ARTHUR

They work great against cancer.

ROB

You do this every morning?

ARTHUR

Yes. Look at me! You see the result?

ROB

Yeap

ARTHUR

So, you think I have cancer. Or not?

ROB

How do I know?

ARTHUR

Well, but have a look at that lump in my neck

ROB

Yes.

ARTHUR

We need to talk about it, but ...

ROB

But for the rest everything is ok with you?

ARTHUR

Why you wont believe nature is your best friend?

ROB

But you dont peel the carrots. You put them with the sand and all kinds of dirt in
your juicer.

ARTHUR

Come on man, thats biological and organical.

ROB

The sand and mud?

ARTHUR

Have a look. In the mean time I will put the music louder

ROB

No please, not louder! Lower it!

SFX _muziek

ROB

But why you put the music louder?

ARTHUR

(goes on undisturbed with the juicer) And I do like this!

SFX juicer
ROB

You flinge anything in that thing?

ARTHUR

Its my big crusade against cancer! I follow the teachings of Doctor Moerman, the
famous cancer guru from Vlaardingen (small city in Holland).
When you were young, your mother gave you coca cola. And pommes frites, I
suppose.
A lot of pommes frites.
Thats why you are so fat. My mother fed me organic carrot and beet juice.

ROB

You also throw the oranges with their skin in the juicer?

ARTHUR

No, the oranges I will squeeze

ROB

Squeeze?

ARTHUR

Yeap

ALBERT

Four and a half month ago they told me there was nothing left to do.

ROB

Okay. How long you still have to live, technically, when the doctor tells you that bad
news?

ALBERT

A few weeks, maximum a few months.

ROB

Okay

ALBERT

They cant be very precise

ROB

No

ALBERT

They cant

ROB

Nope.

ALBERT

I understand them very well, that they cant predict

ROB

So you stopped the treatment

ALBERT

Yes.

ROB

And so your tumors keep spreading

ALBERT

Not that I follow them, but I suppose so

ROB

Yes

ALBERT

Yes

ROB

That must be a scary thought

ALBERT

Yeap, people ask me that all the time. Kind of scary thought, that cancer snake
inside you, that eats your bowels. Uuuh, they are micro organisms, in your belly.
And they spread. But you dont feel it. Not at all

ROB

No?

ALBERT

You dont feel it

ROB

You still go to the doctor for a check up?

ALBERT

No, that's useless.

ROB

No?

ALBERT

No What should I know? Whats the purpose of it?

ROB

But you have no pain?

ALBERT

Nope. No pain. Nothing.

ROB

Nothing?

ALBERT

Nope

ROB

But thats great!

ALBERT

Yeah, its great. Of cause.

ROB

But when the pain and misery starts...?

ALBERT

I will make quick decisions

ROB

Yes

ALBERT

Yes

ROB

You have arranged everything, I suppose

ALBERT

Arranged yes. But it nots ready at this very moment.

ROB

Yes

ALBERT

Yes

Music starts / SFX Children in the background

ROB

Where are we going, Arthur?

ARTHUR

Its the last day of Carnaval. The day before Ash Wednesday. That is catholic stuff,
Rob. You are a catholic, right? Roberto Ignatius Muntz?

ROB:

So we have a big carnaval party in your village?

ARTHUR

Yes. Eh, no. Not me. I dont drink. Thats about it. I will show you the carnaval.
Nothing more.

ROB

But for years you were the party animal here during Carnaval. The great animator!

ARTHUR

I have even been Prince Carnaval here, 2 years ago.

ROB

They know you?

ARTHUR

Eh, look at that nice nurse! Wow, the parade is coming.. Isnt this good clean fun for
the whole family?

ROB Ehh, fun ..?

FADE OUT Carnaval sound / Music start

ROB

What is that?

ARTHUR

A pear

ROB

Yuk! How old is that pear?

ARTHUR

From yesterday!

ROB

Yesterday?

ARTHUR

You are scared of anything!

You are even scared of death!

ROB

I am scared of dirt

ARTHUR

(laughs)

ROB

You flinge the pear together with its stalk and stem in the blender?

ARTHUR

It's a juicer!

ROB

Why with the stalk of the pear?

ROB/ARTHUR

(language confusion)

ARTHUR

Look! I even throw in some nuts. Look at al that juice! Juice is your friend. The pear
is your friend

ROB

Where have the stalks gone?

ARTHUR

Here! The juicer spits them out. In this thing. Oh, how delicious!
You think I have cancer?
Impossible, no?

ROB

No, not yet at least.

ARTHUR

How delicious! I put in some fresh ginger as well. Here, have a glass. You like fresh

ROB

Ho ho ho! Yeah, nice, ginger. With its peel?

ARTHUR

Taste how lovely it is! At home you will never get this. Yeah, maybe cheap Lidl juice.
You feel the tumors leaving the body, already?

ROB

Its a tiny bit gingerish

ARTHUR

A bit gingerish? Man, I threw in an enormous ginger root!

ROB:

But why the ginger?

ARTHUR

The ginger really works against cancer.

Carrots dont. Carrots I only use for their nice colour.

ROB

(Laughing)

ARTHUR

You think I am fooling you, right?

ROB:

Pretty much so (takes a sip of his drink)

And you finish that whole five liters of juice?

ARTHUR

Yes, its great for your defecation and laxation

ROB

Good for laxation. And against bowel cancer

Music ..cross
ROB

In one of your columns I quote:

My fight with the Grim Reaper is getting more ferocious.
Pains in the stomach, burning in my food pipe, burning like hell.
Lately I thought I felt my prostate.
And it even hasnt been milked!

ROB

So, what you want to do against this?

ARTHUR

I am not stupid.
I have something with cancer.
My llittle brother died of cancer when I was 12.
Youth cancer, they called in the early Seventies.

ROB

But what kind of cancer is it?

ARTHUR

Cancer for kids!

My parents went to doctor Vote in Amsterdam. The famous Emma Childrens
Hospital.
I have been there too many times (as a visitor). Doctor Voute was the Johan Cruijff
of childrens oncology.
A kind of medical popstar of.
The Cancer Man, I called him.

ROB

How long ago?

ARTHUR

1974 I think. 1973. Around the final of the World Championship in Munich, which
we lost so painfully.
Yes, around the final Germany - The Netherlands.

SFX Dogs barks

ARTHUR

Quiet now!
Anyway, I grew up with cancer.
My father, a scientist, died of cancer. My mother died of cancer.
My whole family...
The good news is: nobody died of a heartattack!

So I went a few times a week to the childrens hospital. All those emaciated kids.
Like Auschwitz. Beds with metal bars.
My brother got blind. Huge tumours all over his little body.
Doctor Voute gave him two more months.
So my parents went to Doctor Moerman, the homeopathic cancer fighter.
With grains, beet and carrot juice.
My father had 3 passions: the weather, the Holocaust and cancer.
A normal father would bring his son to football on Sunday.
My father, the scientist, showed me pictures of cancer cells.
He would say: look how beautiful they are. Amazing!
He was obsessed with cancer. And he died of cancer.
In the stomach, it went all very quick. A year after my mother.
My mother was completely emaciated.
Breast cancer.

SFX Passing cars. Dogs barking.

ROB

I am in the bar where Arthur used to go a lot.

BAR OWNER

Hello

ROB

The bar is completely deserted. Nobody! You know Arthur very well?

BAR OWNER

Yes, I know him for the last three, for years.

He disappeared last year. Disappeared complety from the scene.

ROB

You know why?

BAR OWNER

He stopped drink and I think that good thing for him.

ROB

But your bar is empty now and you have no more clients.

BAR OWNER

Thats not important.

They have their friends.

ROB

Okay

BAR OWNER

My economy goes down, but ... (Laughs) What to do?

I need to find other alcoholics now, to replace Arthur.
But its very dificult to replace him, because a good client, who drinks a lot,
and is intelligent, is very difficult to find again

SFX Car stops

ROB

Wouter, how long you have known Arthur?

WOUTER

2 years, since his birthday party here.

You were there too, Rob.

ROB

Arthur says he stopped drinking and smoking, for one year now. You havent seen
him for one year, right?

WOUTER

He looks much better now

ROB

What was Arthurs reputation here? Whats the difference when he drinks and when
he doesnt drink? If he doesnt drink, you dont see him around anymore.

WOUTER

(laughing): He is very tame now. Its better for him. Its not good when he is around
us (the expats).
He doesnt know when to stop (drinking)

ROB

You also have cancer, right?

WOUTER

A bit of skin cancer.Nothing serious

ROB

A bit of skin cancer?

WOUTER

Nothing agressive, they took it out.

ROB

Are you afraid of cancer?

WOUTER

Not at the moment. Maybe when I have it. I am not thinking of it right now.

ROB

No

WOUTER

Anyway, cancer always ends bad.

(p.s. Wouter died of cancer in February 2016)

MUSIC starts / SFX - urinating
ARTHUR

Ehhh Some air through my prostate. Thats so nice ooh yeah ...Last drops
Wow, that is a full glass

MUSIC starts / SFX - pouring (urine)

ROB

How nice! Apple juice!!

ARTHUR

No, thats my morning piss, Rob.

I just tapped it

ROB

Eh (choking)

ARTHUR

A German therapy against cancer.

Works well!
I do it for years.

ROB

What is so good about urine?

ARTHUR

It purifies the cancer cells

MUSIC starts
ROB

Were are we standing now, Arthur?

ARTHUR.

On the Mount of Figs. The Monte Figo. My biotope. Here I write all my columns.

ROB

From here we see most of the Algarve?

ARTHUR

Yes, its very clear weather now.

There you see Albufeira, the Benidorm of the Alvarve. That city is Olho.

ROB

And where exactly you swim in the sea?

ARTHUR

Eh there, in front of Fuseta.

ROB

And you swim everyday from one village to the other. 5 kilometers, right?

ARTHUR:

Correct. I am training to cross the Channel (from Holland to England). Swimming

ROB

Against cancer?

ARTHUR

Swimming against cancer, yes. So you can support me...

ROB

Crowdfunding?

ARTHUR

Crowdfunding against cancer

ROB

Interesting project.
You have more (legal) details?

ARTHUR

Cancer is a nice project, you can make a lot of money with it. Cancer is business.

SFX - wind
ROB:

Pretty windy here

ARTHUR

This is the 2nd highest mountain of the Algarve. And the stage for my columns.
The column I wrote about my cancer (lump in neck) was pretty good.
I guess its cancer.

ROB:

But you think you have cancer?

ARTHUR

The lump in my neck. I showed you.

When it becomes bigger than my head, I will go to work in a freak show.
In the old days, you had the elephant man. Now its the cancer man.
By the way, how is your defecation? Thats very important. That it goes down well.
Thats the first thing the doctor wants to know. As long as you poop well, you have
no cancer

ROB

I had diarrhea this morning

ARTHUR

Thats the beginning of cancer!

ROB

You have turds?

ARTHUR

I have steaming turds indeed.

ROB

My poop is squirting

10

ARTHUR

Mine is soft and hard at the same time. You can press on it. Sometimes it has
wurms. That seems to be a good omen.

MUSIC start
VOICE OVER

Today, Muntz visited Hans Holleeder. An old friend of Arthur, who lives on
the camping of Fuseta.
Uncle Hans lost a lot of friend because of cancer. He can talk about it quite
colourfull.

ROB

You brought a lot of friends to the grave, lately?

HANS

Oh yeah, all young boys, 43, 44, 47 years old

ROB

All cancer?

HANS

All cancer, that fucking disease.

ROB

How come they got cancer so young?

HANS

Dont know.
All sporting types, healthy, military.
My friend Ron, I spent 3 days at his deathbed. He died.

ROB

What kind of cancer?

HANS

I dont know. He passed away within 3 weeks.

ROB

3 weeks?

HANS

Yes, 3 weeks. Damn cancer.

I put this 2 special tattoos for those boys:
Rest in Peace.. and Friends

ROB

For the boys that died of cancer?

HANS:

Yes, the tattoos are in their memory.

Man, how many I brought to the grave.
I am 82, imagine!

ROB

82?

HANS

All that young boys I brought to the grave. Healty boys, suddenly they get cancer
and they die in no time. All great guys. Non smoking, sporting.

ROB

Yeah

HANS

Look look look, there he is. On that branch, there he goes again. You saw him?

ROB

That little bird, the black one.

ROB

(coughs)

HANS

Its so funny ...

11

MUSIC
VOICE OVER

Rob Hoogland, well known columnist of De Telegraaf (biggest Dutch daily)

came to visit.
Hoogland is a very good friend of Arthur and came specially to the Algarve
because he thought Arthur had cancer.
Arthur thought Rob Hoogland had cancer, thats why he wanted him in the
documentary

ROB

You are a good friend of Arthur. You got cancer?

ROB HOOGLAND (who lost 60 kilos lately thanks to a diet) Many people asked me: you lost a
lot of weight. I answer them: I dont know why. You think I should see a
doctor? You should look at their faces!
ARTHUR

Cancer is a trending topic.

ROB

Yeap, its a topic.

ARTHUR

Yes, its becoming a topic.

ROB HOOGLAND I had a colleague, 49 years. Died of liver cancer.

ARTHUR

He was a drinker?

ROB HOOGLAND No, not at all. No no.

ROB

At your paper (De Telegraaf) somebody has a column about cancer.

ROB HOOGLAND Me?

ROB

Not you. You dont have cancer, right?

ROB HOOGLAND Yes, this woman, Pascal van Oudheusden. She has breast cancer for the 2nd
time. She writes about it. She is finished now.
ARTHUR

Refractory?

ROB HOOGLAND No, no, I think she is cured.

For the 2nd time.
ARTHUR

The column was fake? (laughing)

ROB HOOGLAND No, it was serious. She is only 40.

ARTHUR

You know, Th Lau (famous Dutch singer with cancer. Refractory).

He goes on another farewell tour. Again! His last farewell tour, he promised.
A bit odd, isnt it?

(ps .Th Lau died in June 2015)

ROB HOOGLAND Cancer is a trending topic
ARTHUR

Definitely a topic, yeah

ROB HOOGLAND Yeap

12

ARTHUR

Specially with my friends. All drinkers and smokers. Drugs. Whores. From
their puberty on.

ROB

You get cancer from that?

ARTHUR

Not necessarily. Look at Herman Brood (most famous Dutch rockn roll star,
commited suicide by jumping from Hilton Hotel).
He became 54! No cancer!

ARTHUR

Muntz, your father died of cancer, right?

ROB

Yes, correct

ARTHUR

(to Rob Hoogland) Are your parents still alive?

ROB HOOGLAND No. Both are dead. But not from cancer. They got very old.
ARTHUR

They died in bed?

ROB HOOGLAND Yes. They were 88 and 86.

ARTHUR

Wow, thats unique.

Dying from old age.

ROB HOOGLAND Everybody in my family is healthy. Also my uncles and my aunts.

ARTHUR

So what are you doing in this documentary about cancer?

ROB HOOGLAND I came all the way to see you! You should have explained me better.
You know what?
I am driving to Spain now.
SFX Sirenes / Music slot
ARTHUR

Morning Muntz.
I am gonna jump in this ice bath.

ROB

Ice bath?

ARTHUR

Yeap, the grocerie just brought the ice. So damn expensive. A container full of it.

ROB

You are out of your mind. Walking around naked in your garden, six in the morning.

ARTHUR

I saw it on Youtube, a clip of 30 minutes. Wim Hof, The Iceman. I am gonna do this
at home now. Against cancer of the prostate.

ROB

Give me a break!

ARTHUR

There was this Dutch guy with cancer on tv. He got cured by the Ice Man!

ROB

What is your daily schedule? You meditate?

ARTHUR

Nope. But after this I am gonna run marathons. Against cancer. This ice is only
against prostate cancer.
Wim Hof. The Ice man. I saw him on Youtube, He went to the Northpole. Made a
hole in the ice and stayed beneath it for one hour!
And he has no cancer!

13

ROB

How long you will stay in this ice?

ARTHUR

You will see.

Thats fucking 100 euro of ice you see!

ROB

Tomorrow morning again?

ARTHUR

Nope. Once a week. I am not rich.

Shall I jump now?

ROB

Yes!

ARTHUR

is this for television (joking)? Okay And when I curse, you cut it out. Right?

SFX splash
ARTHUR (cursing) AHHH!
MUSIC start / SFX sounds of paper
VOICE OVER

I am starting to feel sick.

This is no imaginary illness.
I am much too rational for that.
The cancer finally has come.
I was expecting it. ..

ROB

Willem (the voice over), you are reading from one of Arthurs columns, right?,

WILLEM

Yes

ROB

What I just realized, when we heard him splashing in the ice bath, that he gave us a
reference. To this TV documentary made by Mark Bos. That guy with prostate
cancer. What a pathetic ego document that was.

WILLEM

Yes, Mark Bos, I heard it mentioned on the radio. A program maker with prostate
cancer that is going to make a program about his prostate cancer. I didnt want to
see it. I dont want to see other peoples problems. Have fun with it!

(p.s. Mark Bos died in May 2015)

ROB

Why?

WILLEM

I am a program maker too and I had prostate cancer as well.

ROB

WHAT?

WILLEM

They found out a few years ago.

During my first meeting with the doctor (who needed 45 minutes to tell me)
I got completely lost after 5 minutes.
I was only thinking of the consequences.
I didnt hear the monologue of the doctor at all. I thought: this wont happen again!
So I recorded all my meetings with the doctor. I realized I could make a radio
documentary with that material.
That is the first thing that came to my mind, as program maker.
But I didn't make that documentary.

14

I got operated.
One year after that I needed 35 chemo therapy sessions.
Every day I took the taxi to the hospital in Utrecht.
I counted the taxi kilometers I still had to do till the end of the chemo therapy. 1275
kilometers.
I looked at Google Maps, to see where I could go with 1275 kilometers. Southwards.
I would end up in Santo Maria del Campo (small Spanish village).
From that moment on, I posted pictures of signs with names of villages I passed on
my trip, on Facebookwall.
And you know what?
Friends found it difficult to ask me about the whole process.
Willem, how are you now, that kind of stuff. But they found it easy to hear that I
passed Paris for example, on my way to Santo Maria del Campo.
So I survived the 35 sessions of chemo therapy.
A few years have past now. Everything went well. I feel cured.
I still think: should I make a program about it. But I have nothing with this kind of
narcism.
ROB

But now you light a cigarette. Your cancer is cured and you keep on smoking.

WILLEM

Yeah yeah. Sometimes I light a cigarette.

ROB

Yeah.
And Albert de Lange also keeps on smoking.
SFX sound of lighter

ROB

Albert, you know that smoking can cause cancer, right? So why you do it?

ALBERT

For the first time in 40 years, my mother gives me permission to smoke. So...

ROB

You smoke! Again?

ALBERT

Again? I never stopped!

ROB

You never stopped?

ALBERT

I never stopped.

ROB

You didnt stop when you had chemo therapy?

ALBERT

No no. You know that hospitals love smoking patients?

ROB

No?

ALBERT

They get mobilized very fast. As soon as they can leave the bed, they walk to the
smoking area in the hospital. They leave their hospital bed 3 or 4 days before non
smoking patients

25 50 (total 39:00)

15

Length original version:

Orginal language:
First broadcast:
Producer:
Sound:
Director/s:
Voice over:
English transcript:

39 minutes
Dutch
NTR Radio April 26, 2015
Rob Muntz
Willem Davids
Rob Muntz and Willem Davids
Willem Davids
Arthur van Amerongen

16