Shots of The Blind - Gay

| Ian M acNe il
l| Portraits for th e Bl
ind | |
Portraits for th e Bl
ind
Al
lrigh ts re se rve d
2007 Ian M acNe il
l
Firstpubl
ication.
Produce d in th is pdf form atby w w w .gay-e book s.com .au
Fe bruary 2007
i
Ll
oyd w as im pe l
l
e d around th e cl
iff e ve n th ough h e k ne w w h at
w oul
d be going on.
Th e fatgirlw as suck ing K e vin off. K e vin w as juststanding
th e re . H e saw Ll
oyd and push e d th e fatgirlaw ay. Sh e got
grace ful
l
y to h e r fe e tand pick e d h e r w ay w ith astonish ing
spe e d ove r th e jagge d rock s tow ards Ll
oyd. H e subdue d an
urge to push h e r as sh e passe d h im . A s sh e did sh e sh oth im a
l
ook w h ich pie rce d. Th ough h e h ad k now n h e r, K are n, since
k inde rgarte n, h e h ad ne ve r re al
ise d th atsh e h ad such a se nse
of se l
f. Sh e w as no l
onge r fatK are n, one of th e Bark e rs w h o
w e re re spe ctabl
e and path e tic, sh e w as som e one w h o k ne w h e r
righ ts and w h atcoul
d be done . Sh e m ustbe grow ing up,
Ll
oyd th ough tth e n w orrie d th atsh e w as m ore grow n up th an
h im . You ough tntto l
e th e r do th at, h e sh oute d to K e vin,
sh e s H e didntk now w h at. Sh e s a fatcow .
Sh utup, K e vin said, com ing tow ards h im , som e one w il
lh e ar
you. H e r broth e rs h e re .
W h e re ?
Ll
oyd said, l
ook ing around.
Noth e re , dick h e ad, on be ach , probabl
y.
| 2 | Ian M acNe il
ind |
H e s not, Ll
oyd said, and w h atcoul
d h e do aboutit?H e
ne ve r com e s to th e be ach , h e s gotto w ork , th e yre poor, th e ir
dads an al
coh ol
ic or som e th ing.
Com e on, K e vin said and push e d Ll
oyd in th e dire ction of th e
be ach .
Th e push assuage d K e vin, itw as th e usualge ntl
e pre ssure
w h ich l
e ftfl
utte rs of w arm th . O nce w h e n th e y w e re h aving an
argum e ntth atw as al
m osta figh t, K e vin h ad push e d h is ch e st
and th e fl
utte rs h ad spre ad pastth e fe e lof K e vins h ands and
cove re d h is w h ol
e ch e stand h ad l
aste d l
ong afte r K e vin h ad
turne d and rush e d aw ay. Th e y w e re m ate s again th e ne xtday.
K e vins h e re , Ll
oyds m oth e r h ad cal
l
e d in th e m orning. Ll
oyd
l
iste ne d as sh e w e nton, H e l
lbe pl
aying one of th ose gam e s
you boys are w asting your l
ive s on. If h is fath e r k ne w h e d go
m ad, h e s suppose d to m ow th e frontl
aw n. I cantge te ith e r of
th e m to do anyth ing, h is siste rs upstairs on th e ph one . Ll
oyd
h ad stoppe d pl
aying and w aite d th e n pre te nde d to pl
ay as
K e vin h ad com e into th e tvroom and said, H i. Il
lh e l
p you
m ow l
aw n if you l
ik e th e n w e can h ave a go on bik e s, if you
l
ik e . I h ave to be back by l
unch .
K e vin w as an onl
y ch il
d. H is pare nts ow ne d th e bottl
e sh op.
Th e y w e re R ussian and said to be ve ry strict, th atth e y onl
y
se ntK e vin to SaintA ugustine s be cause th e re w as no
O rth odox ch urch anyw h e re in th e are a.
Im going to te l
lyour pare nts, Ll
oyd said.
K e vin stoppe d abruptl
y. H e dug a footinto th e sand. W h y?
You do and w e cantbe m ate s any m ore . H is voice w as de e p
and cl
e ar and stil
lh ad trace s of a R ussian acce nt. You coul
d
te l
lh e w asntan A ussie .
No, Ll
oyds m oth e r, M rs M oone y h ad said, h e s too good. A l
l
you l
ocalk ids are spoil
t, its disgusting.
W e l
lyou spoil
tus, R e ne e h ad said, w e canth e l
p it.
Youd be tte r h e l
p itor Im going to te l
lyour fath e r you spe nt
tw o h ours on th e ph one again ye ste rday.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 3 |
R e ne e h ad rush e d from th e room and th e h ouse e ch oe d w ith

th e sl
am m ing of h e r door.
Its w rong, youre too young to h ave se x. Sh e s a sl
ut.
Is notse x, K e vin said and l
ook e d ath is footburie d in th e
sand.
Ll
oyd l
ook e d in trium ph al
ong th e be ach . K are n Bark e r w as
pick ing up h e r th ings and l
e aving th e group. H e saw h e r
w al
k ing aw ay from th e m , ignoring th e face s turne d tow ards
h e r de parting figure , ye l
l
ing afte r h e r.
K are n Bark e r l
e ft, M e l
anie H opk ins ye l
l
e d to th e m as th e y
approach e d.
W h e n th e y h ad se ttl
e d anoth e r of th e girl
s said, W h at
h appe ne d?
Noth ing, K e vin said, w e tal

k . Sh e ask m e to sch ooldance ,
m aybe .
O ooh , dontgo w ith h e r, sh e s w e ird, none of th e girl
sl
ik e h e r.
Exce ptth atpath e tic R osie Vach e tti.
Th e yre l
e m ons.
H e y! W h e re are you going m ate ?
Nobbo R ol
inson cal
l
e d.
K e vin w as w al
k ing aw ay. Ll
oyd saw th ath is h e ad w as
drooping.
W h ats going dow n, m ate ?
Nobbo ask e d h im . Th e se ch ick s
w e re justge tting to k now K e v.
M y dad says th e y ch arge too m uch for th e ir w ine , h e can ge tit
ch e ape r m uch ne ar w h e re h e w ork s.
Your dads a dick h e ad, Ll
oyd said, e ve ryone s gotto m ak e a
l
iving.
M r Bark e r doe snt. M um said al
lth e m one y w as h e rs and h e
w aste d it.
Th e y l
ook e d tow ards th e Bark e r h ouse w h ich ne stl
e d be h ind
| 4 | Ian M acNe il
ind |
som e tre e s in isol

ation on th e h e adl
and. FatK are n w as m ak ing
h e r w ay up th e ste e p path th atl
e ad from th e Bark e r h ouse to
th e be ach .
Th e y h ave nte ve n gota fe nce .
Th e y al
lstare d atth e h ouse , sil
e nce d by re spe ct. K are n h ad
vanish e d am ongstth e gnarl
e d tre e s w h ich trie d to prote ctit.
Ll
oyd turne d h is atte ntion to K e vin w h o w as now on th e road.
H e fe l
tsad and w orrie d.
You dontk now w h atyoure tal
k ing about! h e snarl
e d atK at
Tre ne rry, m y dad says th e yve gotgood w ine .
Sh e gave th e oth e r girl
s an am use d gl
ance butth e y w e re stony
so sh e said, I didntm e an Its juste asie r for m y dad to ge t
itne ar w h e re h e w ork s.
Ll
oyd gotup and w al
k e d aw ay from th e m . Th e n Nobbo w as
be side h im , Stupid bitch e s, h e said. D id R osh ane vscre w th e
Bark e r bitch ?
Fuck off! No. Th ats w rong.

Nobbo l
augh e d. I be th e did. Its notw rong. D ontw orry, I
w ontte l
lBroth e r Le o.
Th atnigh tLl
oyd h ad a nigh tm are and h is m oth e r and fath e r
cam e into h is room .
Is som e one suck ing you off, se x?
h e said in h is turm oil
.
H is m oth e r ush e re d h is fath e r outof th e room . W h e n sh e
coul
d se e th atLl
oyd w as aw ak e and O K sh e l
e fth e rse l
f. H e s
justh ad too m uch sun, H ugh . D ontw orry h im aboutit, youl
l
justupse th im m ore , sh e said to h e r h usband in be d.
D ad th ink s you gotsuck e d off by som e ol
d pe rve rt, h e ne arl
y
cal
l
e d th e pol
ice . R e ne e l
augh e d. W h atdid you say?
Noth ing.
W e l
lyou m ustof be cause h e w as stil
lgoing bal
l
istic w h e n h e
w e ntto w ork . H e s going to tak e you to D octor K arpinsk y to
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 5 |
se e if youve stil
lgotyour ch e rry or if youve gotVD or
som e th ing. H ave you?
Nope .
I h ate pe opl
e w h o ge tVD , e rugh .
I h e ard th atR e ne e , th e ir m oth e r cal
l
e d from th e k itch e n. Sh e
cam e in. I w ish th e y w oul
dntte ach you th e se th ings, you
canth andl
e it. I dontk now w h ats com e ove r th ose nuns.
Sh e turne d to h e r son, You be tte r stay aw ay from th atbe ach
til
lyouve h ad a ch ance to tal
k to your fath e r. H e s ve ry
w orrie d. You sh oul
dntbe l
ying around in th e sun al
lday in
any case , you k now th at, w ith your sk in. A nd Il
lbe k e e ping a
stricte r e ye on you too, R e ne e . W h o k now s w h atyou k ids ge t
up to, you h ave far too m uch fre e dom . A tyour age I h ad a job.
Th e se h ol
idays are far too l
ong, youd be m uch be tte r atsch ool
.
I dontl
e arn anyth ing atth atstupid sch ool
, I w antto go to
bal
l
e tful
ltim e l
ik e Ch e l
se a.
Ch e l
se a th atw as th e nam e of th e pony I w on on atth e
Sh ow , h e w as a roan.
W e k now , M um , Ll
oyd said.
R e ne e s door sl
am m e d.
ii
A sym ph ony atte nuate d itse l
f th rough th e Bark e r h ouse . A s
sh e m ade h e r w ay to th e k itch e n, K are n took a bre ath and
w onde re d if h e r h om e sm e l
l
e d bad to strange rs. Th e sym ph ony
stre ngth e ne d as sh e approach e d it. H e r fath e r w as sitting w ith
h is e ar poise d tow ards th e ol
d se tw h ich saton th e l
am ine x
k itch e n tabl
e . H e r fath e r sm il
e d ath e r and puth is finge r to h is
l
ips. So sh e w as as q uie tas sh e coul
d be cutting a th ick sl
ice of
bre ad and putting on th e k e ttl
e . Sh e coul
d se e h e r m oth e r
h anging outcl
oth e s. Th e y l
ook e d ol
d and path e tic h e r
| 6 | Ian M acNe il
ind |
broth e rs sh orts, h e r sl
ack unde rw e ar, a th re adbare sh irt, h e r
m oth e rs cotton frock . Se ve ralof th e pil
l
ow case s w e re so th in
th e y w e re al
m ostdry al
re ady. H e r m oth e r pick e d up th e bask e t
and w as h e ading back . K are n h urrie d to butte r th e bre ad and
conside r w h atsh e w oul
d puton it. By th e tim e sh e h ad m ade
th e te a sh e k ne w sh e coul
d no l
onge r re sistth e gol
de n syrup.
H ow w as th e be ach , de ar?
h e r m oth e r ask e d.
Sh h h , h e r fath e r sussurate d.
M rs Bark e r gotth e te a cups dow n. Sh e w atch e d h e r daugh te r
l
adl
e th e gol
de n syrup onto th e bre ad. I gotth atfor th e
ginge rbre ad m e n. A nd obse rve d w h il
e K are n took bite s from
th e bre ad. Your cousins l
ove th e m . You can h e l
p m e de corate
th e m , th e yre rath e r l
abour inte nsive .
Th e y al
ldrank te a and l
iste ne d to th e sym ph ony.
W h atw as it?
M rs Bark e r ask e d h e r h usband.
Sh ostak ovich . Th e Le ningrad. H e w rote itduring th e sie ge .
Th e Ge rm ans w oul
dntl
e tth e m h ave any Th e y w e re
be sie ge d and starving and fre e zing butth e orch e stra a
dim inish e d orch e stra pl
aye d it. I w oul
d give anyth ing to h ave
be e n th e re .
A re you sure ?
M r Bark e r conside re d th is.

Youre aboutto h ave your l
unch , M rs Bark e r said to K are n.
No, M r Bark e r said.
W e l
lyou sh oul
d be care fulw h atyou say, K are n m igh tbe
doing R ussian h istory one day and sh e m igh tsay th atin cl
ass
m isl
e ad e ve ryone .
O h god, said K are n and gotup.
W h e re are you going young l
ady?
To m y room .
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 7 |
Th is is synch ronicity - R ussian. I w as in th e bottl

e sh op
ge tting th e sh e rry for th e Ch ristm as cak e w h ich sh oul
d h ave
be e n m ade a fortnigh tago and th atM rs R osh ane vw as in a
state be cause sh e coul
dntunde rstand th e ph one so I said to
h e r you w oul
d be inte re ste d in h e l
ping outbe cause you h ave a
cl
e ar te l
e ph one m anne r th ank s to our training and sh e said
you coul
d com e around and sh e w oul
d tal
k to you th is
afte rnoon attw o-th irty. A nd th e n you can h e l
p m e crop th e
ph otos Im going to use th atl
ove l
y one I took of th e h ouse
using th e te l
el
e ns, th e one w ith th e sun justtouch ing th e top
of th e ti tre e .
D igby Bark e r l
ope d in, be gan to cuta sl
ice of bre ad.
You w h at?I am not. Im too young to w ork in a bottl
e sh op,
you h ave to be e igh te e n.
You w il
lonl
y be answ e ring th e ph one and h e l
ping outa l
ittl
e.
Its your Ch ristian duty.
No! K are n Bark e r be gan to cry be cause sh e k ne w sh e w oul
d
h ave to go.
Th atw as pre tty good, h e r broth e r said to h e r, I didntk now
you h ad itin you you w h at?
. Th ats good.
Youre note ve n a Ch ristian! Firstyou se nd m e to a Cath ol
ic
sch ooland th e n Te l
lh e r D ad. You dontunde rstand, I cant
go! H e s in m y cl
ass.
You are going. You are noth anging around al
lth e se h ol
idays
doing noth ing, you said you w e re going to printsom e nice
cards for m e and inste ad youre dow n on th atbe ach . Itw as
al
righ tin m y day, w e didntk now aboutsk in cance r.
O r se x, D igby said.
K are n l
ook e d ath e r broth e r in h orror and rush e d from th e
room as h e r fath e r said, Itw as th e be stw e coul
d do. Th e y
se e m e d to be offe ring a good e ducation, I didntse e any nuns
w h e n I
| 8 | Ian M acNe il
ind |
iii
K are n ignore d K e vin as sh e e nte re d th e R osh ane vs l
iq uor
sh op. H e r m oth e r h ad m ade h e r w e ar a w h ite bl
ouse and h e r
de nim sk irtand h e r sch oolsh oe s. H e r h air w as parte d on th e
side . Ve ry sm art, h e r m oth e r h ad said afte r inspe cting h e r,
th atpink l
ipstick your auntgave you is justrigh t, sh e al
w ays
h ad an instinctfor th e se th ings, itjustfal
l
s off m y face .
H e l
l
o, M rs R osah ane v, m y m oth e r M rs R osh ane v
obviousl
y h ad no ide a w h atsh e w as th e re for.
K e vin w as staring ath e r. H e l
ook e d appal
l
e d. A l
ittl
e
e m bol
de ne d by th is, sh e e xpl
aine d h e r pre se nce .
Ye s! Ye s! Your m oth e r ve ry nice l
ady. W e se e , w e se e if you
tak e orde r on ph one .
Th e ph one rang. M rs R osh ane vindicate d sh e sh oul
d answ e r.
Sh e did and took an orde r for a coupl
e of sl
abs of VB and a
bottl
e of cok e to be de l
ive re d to a unitne arby.
Ye s, M rs R osh ane vsaid afte r e xam ining h e r cl
e arl
y printe d
orde r form , you w ork in m orning, K irilh e l
p m e in afte rnoon.
You k now K iril
?
K are n l
ook e d around for M r R osh ane vbutfound K e vin.
K e vin said som e th ing in R ussian w h ich incl
ude d K e vin.
I k now h im from sch ool
, K are n said.
Your m oth e r ve ry nice , l
ady, M rs R osh ane vsaid a fe w
m ornings l
ate r. Sh e is inte l
l
e ctual
?
No, K are n re pl
ie d, sh e s a ph otograph e r.
A h ph otograph y! Sh e is artist.
I th ink sh e w as butsh e s notany m ore . Sh e w ork s for M r
Tim m ins. Sh e doe s studio and w e ddings and th ings, h e s
m ove d into vide o.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 9 |
I w antyou in and l
ook ing nice , both of you, tom orrow
afte rnoon. Ive invite d th e R osh ane vs for drink s.
O h god.
R e al
l
y?W h y?
H e r h usband al
so l
ook e d atM rs Bark e r in curiosity and
w onde r.
Th e y are al
lal
one , probabl
y. I im agine th e y are re fuge e s, its
our duty. D oe sntth e boy go to sch oolw ith you?
W h atdo you ne e d m e for?

D igby said.
You can h e l
p e nte rtain th e boy, if ne ce ssary. Europe an
ch il
dre n te nd to k now h ow to be h ave . Its justfor a drink , you
can sh ow h im your room s. K are n can sh ow h im h e r prints,
you can tal
k to h im aboutcars if h e s th atsortof boy.
K are n can discuss I Never Prom ised You a R ose Gard en w ith
h im .
You can pl
ay gam e s w ith h im . K are n turne d from h e r
broth e rs grin atth e possibl
e im pl
ications of th is and onto h e r
m oth e r, A s if its notbad e nough h aving to w ork w ith h im ,
you h ave to go and ask I cantbe l
ie ve th is. Youre tak ing
ove r m y l
ife .
Sh e probabl
y w ants you to m arry h im , one l
e ss m outh to fe e d.
W h atare th e y Croats or som e th ing?Youl
lprobabl
yl
ik e
th e ir food. Itl
lbe your job to k il
lth e ch ick e ns and th e pig. Just
ge titbe tw e e n your k ne e s and cutits th roat.
Sh e gl
are d ath e r broth e r. Sh e w as sure h e didntk now
anyth ing butth e th ough tth ath e m igh tfrigh te ne d h e r. H ow
coul
d sh e h ave be e n so m ad?W h atif h e r pare nts found out?
Sh e h ad justbe e n sh ow ing off in frontof M e l
anie H opk ins and
K atTre ne rry. Sh e h ad onl
y done th atonce be fore and th atw as
w ith h e r cousins ne igh bour. Th e y h ad al
lbe e n pl
aying th is
card gam e and th ings h ad gotsil
l
y. W h atif K e vin tol
d pe opl
e
l
ik e th atLl
oyd M oone y w h o w oul
d te l
lh is stupid siste r and it
w oul
d be al
love r sch ooland th e suburb. Sh e de te rm ine d to
| 10 | Ian M acNe il
ind |
bl
ack m ailK e vilK e vil
, th ats w h atsh e w oul
d k now h im as.
Sh e w oul
d ask h e r fath e r if sh e coul
d transfe r to th e state h igh .
Butth e n sh e w oul
d m iss R osie . If onl
y sh e h ad gone round to
practise th e trio w ith R osie inste ad of going to th e be ach .
K e vilstood be h ind h is pare nts. M rs R osh ane vw as dre sse d
spe ctacul
arl
y.
Goodne ss, M rs Bark e r said, dontyou l
ook spl
e ndid. Its just
for a drink .
M r Bark e r ste ppe d forw ard, introduce d h im se l
f to M r
R osh ane v, bow e d to M rs R osh ane vand k isse d h e r h and. Th e n
spok e R ussian.
Both th e R osh ane vs burstinto stre am s.
Nye t, said M r Bark e r, I onl
yl
e arn from studying Lad y
M acbeth of M tsen sk .
Th e R osh ane vs l
ook e d puzzl
e d.
M r Bark e r l
e d th e m into th e l
iving room .
M rs R osh ane vdism isse d th e furniture and be gan to utte r l
ittl
e
h igh pitch e d sq ue al
s atth e vie w .
Its be tte r in th e m orning. You m ustcom e for coffe e ne xttim e .
Pl
e ase sitdow n.
K e vill
ook e d pre tty spe ctacul
ar h im se l
f. H is h air w as arrange d
and h e w as w e aring a ve ry good sh irtw h ite w ith re d
sq uiggl
e s stitch e d on it. K are n notice d D igby tak ing h im in.
M rs Bark e r be gan to push th e drink s tray around. W oul
d you
l
ik e sh e rry M rs R osh ane v, Ive onl
y gotsw e e t, Im afraid and
you both m ustbe e xpe rts. Tre vor w il
lge tyour h usband a be e r
th ats w h atth e m e n drink in sum m e r, and w inte r.
Putth ataw ay! M r Bark e r com m ande d, arre sting th e
tum ul
tuous room .
H e vanish e d tow ards th e k itch e n.
O h de ar, said M rs Bark e r, I w onde r w h ath e s up to. K are n,
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 11|
go and se e w h atyour fath e r is up to.

K are n w as too frigh te ne d to m ove . Sh e stare d atth e
R osh ane vs. H e r m oth e r gl
are d ath e r. K are n l
ove s w ork ing in
your sh e stabl
ish m e nt, sh e said to th e R osh ane vs, itis so
good for h e r. I th ink ch il
dre n sh oul
d h ave jobs, th e y dontdo
e nough to h e l
p as itis. D oe s your son
M rs R osh ane vh ad a l
ittl
e tre m or and, in th e h igh pitch e d
voice sh e use d for ce rtain custom e rs, be gan to introduce h e r
son butM r Bark e r re appe are d w ith a tarnish e d sil
ve r tray on
w h ich sata froste d bottl
e of vodk a surrounde d by froste d
gl
asse s. Th e Bark e rs stare d atth is ph e nom e non w ith m uch
m ore astonish m e ntth an th e R osh ane vs. Th e gl
asse s w e re l
ik e
l
ittl
e w ine gl
asse s.
I didntk now w h e th e r you h ad l
e m on w ith itand sal
t, so I
brough tth atin too, th ough I suspe ctnot. H e tw iste d th e top
off th e bottl
e and poure d som e into a gl
ass and h ande d itto
M rs R osh ane v.
Soon e ve ryone h ad a gl
ass. D igbys w as a tum bl
e r from th e
k itch e n.
Notfor th e ch il
dre n, de ar, M rs Bark e r sugge ste d. Buth e r
h usband h ad poure d th e m a tok e n onl
y.
Now w h atis th e te rm ?
Bottom s up, M r R osh ane vsaid.

A nd th e adul
ts l
augh e d and e xce ptfor M rs Bark e r tosse d th e ir
drink s back . O h I sh al
lge tparal
ytic butw h atth e h e l
l
, sh e
said th e n tosse d h e rs back .
M rs R osh ane vtink l
ed a l
augh and pe rform e d a fl
urry of
cl
apping.
H aving so im bibe d, M rs Bark e r rose and be gan to offe r th e tiny
sandw ich e s w h ich w e re h e r spe cial
ity.
Th e R osh ane vs m ade appre ciative noise s.
K e vill
ook e d as froze n as K are n. D igby trie d to pour h im se l
fa
ind |
de ce ntvodk a buth is m oth e r saw and orde re d th e m into th e

k itch e n to ge ta softdrink . Th e n you can sh ow K e vin your
printtabl
e . A nd you can pl
ay th e cl
arine tfor us, l
ate r. D oe s
K irilpl
ay a m usicalinstrum e nt?
H e did notbuth e dre w and painte d, w e ntto spe cialcl

asse s
e ve ry Saturday.
M y K are n is nota bad draw e r. D igby is m ore te ch nical
.
Th e adul
ts tosse d back anoth e r vodk a.
Th e ch il
dre n fl
e d to th e k itch e n.
D igby poure d th e m al
la cok e . Good to m e e tyou m ate . Gotta
go outnow and se e a m an abouta dog.
W h at?
K are n e xcl
aim e d, You cantl
e ave m e al
one Youre
suppose d to tal
k aboutcars.
K now anyth ing aboutcars, m ate ?
K e vilsh rugge d.
D one , said D igby and l
e ft.
K are n and K e vilstare d atone anoth e r and th re w th e ir gaze s
apart.
You dontsay anyth ing to anyone ?
K e vilgrow l
e d h ol
l
ow l
y.
D ontbe stupid.
Good.
W h ataboutLl
oyd M oone y, did h e se e ?
I fix.
Good.
Justas th e sil
e nce w as m ak ing th e ir situation irre vocabl
e
K are n found inspiration, Um , you draw ?
Th atK e vilnodde d.
D o you do prints?
W e do atcol
l
e ge .
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 13|
Um w h e re is it?
K e viltol
d h e r. Th e n m ade th e e ffortto say, I go on Saturday
m orning, te ach e rs ve ry good.
O h . Good. D o you w antto com e and se e w h e re I do m y sil
k
scre e ning?
K e vilfol
l
ow e d h e r to a l
arge room . Th e y coul
d h e ar th e ir
pare nts l
augh ing and th e ir voice s m urm uring, M rs R osh ane vs
sq ue al
ing.
K are n sh ow e d K e vilth e l
ong tabl
e w h e re sh e w ork e d on h e r
prints. A n e ase lstood in a corne r, som e of h e r m oth e rs
ph otograph s w e re pe gge d al
ong a l
ine . A h uge m oon rose from
be h ind th e cl
iff w h e re th e y h ad gone for th e ir inte rrupte d tryst.
Its l
ik e rose q uartz, K are n said.
R ose q uartz?
You k now , l
ik e pink jade .
Pink . Ye s. Now turning gol
d q uartz, ye s, l
ik e q uartz.
From th e e xcl
am ations com ing from th e l
iving room , th e y
k ne w th e ir pare nts h ad se e n ittoo. M rs R osh ane vw as
w h im pe ring l
ik e a bat. K e vilgrim ace d atK are n. H e l
ook e d at
M rs Bark e rs com m e rcialsh ots. Cam e back and fl
ick e d th rough
som e prints K are n h ad done . Is good, h e said, h ol
ding one up.
Itw as a de sign base d on a pl
antsh e h ad discove re d grow ing
ne ar th e bottom of th e l
aw n w h ich e nde d in th e ste e p cl
im b
dow n to th e be ach .
Th ank you. W h atdo you de pict?
Noth ing. Eve ryth ing, K e vilre pl

ie d, I try to draw figure , stil
l
l
ife , e ve ryth ing, ch iaroscuro, m y te ach e rs say w e m ustpractise
draw ing, draw ing, draw ing. Butm ostI l
ik e painting.
W ate r col
ours?
W ate r col
ours, acryl
ic, oil
s Il
ik e be st. Expe nsive , m y fath e r
prote st.
ind |
O h . D o you w antto be an artist?
O f course butis ve ry difficul

t. So I h ave to do good at
sch ool
.
W e l
l
.
D o w e l
latsch ool
.
So do I.
W h e re is your broth e r?
Th e y w e re both startl
e d and w onde re d h ow l
ong M rs Bark e r
h ad be e n obse rving th e m .
I dontk now .
W e l
lfind h im pl
e ase . Your pare nts are staying for dinne r.
D igby can ge tth e barbe cue starte d. W e l
ldo th e fish I h ave
froze n and som e ch ops. Is h e in h is room ?I ask e d h im to
I w il
lstartbarbe cue , K e vilsaid. You sh ow m e , h e said to
K are n.
Ge tD igby to do it, M rs Bark e r said as sh e l
e ftth e m .
D o you k now h ow to do it?
No. M aybe . I w atch m y uncl

e .
H ow h ard can itbe .
H ow h ard can itbe I l
ik e th at, ve ry good idiom .
Ye s. Com e on. M um w il
lk il
lD igby.
Sh e l
e d h im outto th e barbe cue . A s soon as th e y h ad itgoing
D igby appe are d and took ove r.
H e r m oth e r cam e in to say good nigh tto K are n. W e l
lth atw as
a succe ss. Your fath e r h as ge nius, of course , th ats w h y I
m arrie d h im no m atte r w h atth e y say. Youl
lbe l
uck y to find
anyone h al
f as good.
Il
lstartl
ook ing tom orrow , K are n said.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 15|
iv
Your dick l
ook s h uge , Ll
oyd said, h ave you gotan e re ction?
K e vin nodde d and grinne d.

W h atgirlgave you th at?
No girl
.
Back in h is room w ith K e vin h e coul
dnth e l
p h im se l
f, Sh ow
m e , h e orde re d.
K e vins dick w as th ick and cigar sh ape d, be autiful
l
y tape re d.
Ll
oyd grabbe d itand l
augh e d th e n starte d m oving th e fore sk in
back and forth . K e vin sigh e d. Ll
oyd continue d. A fte r a w h il
e
K e vin push e d h is h and aw ay and undid Ll
oyds board sh orts,
took outh is dick and did th e sam e . Ll
oyd l
ook e d atK e vins
dick a transpare ntpe arlsh one atits e nd, h e w ipe d itoff w ith
h is finge r. K e vin took Ll
oyds finge r and m ove d itto h is
m outh ;Ll
oyd taste d.
K are n took h e r cl
arine tfrom h e r m outh , Le ts go on a die t,
sh e said to R osie Vach e tti.
R osie took h e r viol
in from unde r h e r ch in. W h atsort?
A m acro one , K are n re pl

ie d. Sh e h ad justre ad th atM adonna
w as al
w ays on one .
A l
righ t, R osie said, w h atdo you h ave to do?
Th e tol
d M rs Vach e tti th e y coul
dntre al
l
y practise any m ore
w ith outM s Toogood pl
aying th e piano partso th e y w e re going
to th e l
ibrary to l
ook up som e th ing th e y h ad to do for ne xtye ar
atsch ool
.
M rs Vach e tti said sh e w oul
d com e and pick R osie up atfive th irty.
K are n ran into K e vin w al
k ing h om e from th e l
ibrary. H e h ad
be e n re l
e ase d from th e store and w as going to h is Tae K w an
D o cl
ass. You ough tto com e , is good.
ind |
Its good.
Its good.
Im note ating th at, sh e said of th e food h e r m oth e r puton th e
tabl
e , Im going m acrobiotic. W ith R osie .
H e r m oth e r ignore d h e r and continue d se rving th e food.
I th ink its nota bad ide a th atyou sh oul
d conside r l
osing som e
w e igh t, h e r fath e r said. Pe rh aps som e e xe rcise routine ?
D ad, can I do Tae K w an D o?
D ontl
e th e r D ad, sh e l
lbash m e up.
You are to tak e h e r, M rs Bark e r said. Sh e can pay for itw ith
th e m one y sh e is e arning. Th e e xe rcise w il
ldo h e r good.
R osie e nde d up in h ospital
. M um m ade th e doctor putm e in
h ospital
. I justfainte d. Th e nurse tol
d m e th e re s noth ing
w rong w ith m e . Itw as be cause I w oul
dnte atth is canne l
l
oni
sh e m ade , you sh oul
d h ave se e n it, itw as cove re d w ith ch e e se .
Th e y both sh udde re d.
K are n re turne d to sch oolsix k il
os l
igh te r and w ith a ne w
inte re stsh e h ad tak e n to Tae K w on D o.
Sh e fe l
ta push in h e r back .
You m ade h e r e nd up in h ospital
.
A nd e ve ryone says youve gotanore xia.
Itw as K atTre ne rry and M e l
anie H opk ins.
D onttouch m e again, K are n said to K at. Com e on R osie ,
w e ve gotto practise .
Th e push cam e again. Sh e sw ung around and gota grip on K at
and sh ook h e r around a bit. To h e r surprise K atw e ntdow n in
a scre am ing h e ap. Er! No! D ontk ick m e , Ive justh ad m y
brace s tigh te ne d.
A s sh e and R osie w al
k e d off sh e h e ard M e l
anie say, Th ats
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 17|
assaul
t, you sh oul
d te l
lM s Gittings or re porth e r to Broth e r
Le o.
W e l
lbe in troubl
e , R osie said. Im al
re ady in troubl
e .
Im going to th e state sch ool
. I donth ave to putup w ith th is.
O h pl
e ase dont! I w onth ave anyone to pl
ay th e trio w ith ,
w e ve w ork e d so h ard, M s Toogood says w e l
lprobabl
y do w e l
l
in th e e xam s, its m y be stpie ce . Youve gota sch ol
arsh ip.
I w ontne e d one atth e state sch ool
.
Fe l
ia R osh ane vw atch e d as th e girlw al
k e d into th e sh op. Sh e
l
ook e d diffe re nt;w as sh e tal
l
e r?Th ank god sh e h ad a ne w
dre ss, itw oul
dnth ave be e n th e m oth e r w h o ch ose it. Sh e w as
grow ing up. Sh e w as going to be be autiful
, th is A ustral
ian girl
w h o w e ntto sch oolw ith K iriland w h ose artistic m oth e r h ad
ask e d th e m al
lto dinne r and th e n h e r for coffe e . Sh e w oul
d
h ave to guide h e r care ful
l
y butsh e w oul
d be good for K irilnow
th ath e too w as grow ing up. So fast. Sh e h ad q uite good
m anne rs for an A ustral
ian. A ustral
ian girl
s m ade h e r sh udde r,
none w oul
d do as a daugh te r-in-l
aw . Th is one , th is K are n, w as
pol
ite and q uite h ard w ork ing and h e r fam il
y w e re re spe ctabl
e.
M rs R osh ane vponde re d th e de gre e to w h ich th e Bark e rs w e re
al
so rough and e cce ntric.
H e r son w as te ach ing Ll
oyd h ow to do a bl
ow job. Ll
oyd w as
gagging. I sh ow you, K e vin said and e xpe rtl
y took Ll
oyd in
h is m outh .
W h e re did you l
e arn al
lth is?
Ll
oyd ask e d.
From m an a m an in dre ssing sh e ds, K e vin said. Life save r.
M aybe . Pe rh aps.
Both boys l
augh e d.
ind |
v
D igby w as h aving a party be fore al
lh is m ate s h ad to se ttl
e
dow n for th e H SC. H is m oth e r insiste d on a gue stl
istand th e
te l
e ph one num be rs of th e pare nts.
H ul
l
o, th is is Val
e rie Bark e r. M y son h as invite d your son to a
party h e re on th e tw e nty-sixth . I justw ante d you to k now I am
al
l
ow ing a l
ittl
e al
coh olI w il
lm ak e a punch . M y h usband
and I w il
lbe h e re al
lnigh t. I h ave tol
d D igby th e l
astgue st
m ustbe gone by one . Th e re s pl
e nty of park ing if you w antto
pop in. O nl
y th e H ibbe rtboy l
ive s cl
ose e nough to w al
k or so
Ive be e n inform e d.
K are n w atch e d as h e r broth e r w rith e d. Th e re w e re te ars in h is
e ye s as h e re m onstrate d again w ith h is m oth e r. Sh e l
ook e d
th rough h is te ars and dial
l
e d th e ne xtnum be r.
D igby storm e d out. Im going to com m itsuicide , you give m e
no ch oice . Im going to jum p off th e cl
iff.
Go and save your broth e r and ge tyour fath e r to h e l
p, M rs
Bark e r orde re d K are n.
Th e th re e sattoge th e r on th e cl
iff. Be l
ow th e m th e surf sw e pt
ove r a tabl
e of rock .
Your m oth e r be l
ie ve s sh e is doing th e righ tth ing.
D igby pul
l
e d savage l
y attussock s of grass.
W e l
lstay outof your w ay. W e l
lbe in our room . Ive gotth e
score of Sn egouroch k a. Pyotr R osh ane vis l
e nding m e a tape .
D igby cl
aspe d h is h e ad. K are n suppre sse d l
augh te r.
Th e party w as a gre atsucce ss. Th e re w as grass and al
coh ol
.
D igby m ade K are n buy a bottl
e of vodk a and putitin th e
punch . Th e m usic w e ntw e l
l
. Nobbo R ol
inson sh are d som e
sortof tabl
e tw ith D igby. Th e food, w h ich w as de l
icious, w as
e ate n. D igby w as pe rsuade d to invite K e vil
, K are n w as al
l
ow e d
to invite R osie . Th e th re e young one s satoutside on th e ragge d
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 19 |
l
aw n ata distance from th e h e atof th ings and sippe d on th e
h al
f bottl
e of vodk a K e vilh ad stol
e n from h is pare nts. Th e
sounds of Sne gouroch k a drifte d to th e m from th e Bark e rs
be droom .
Liste n to th at. W h atis it?
Itis Sne gouroch k a, R ussian.

W h ats h appe ning?
Sn egouroch k a w ants Tsar to R ussian k ing to k iss h e r but

h e k isse s anoth e r girl
.
Th e n w h at?
Sh e be com e s l
e sbian.
R e al
l
y?
Ye s. Le sbian. A nd m ove s off to A ustral

ia.
Th e girl
s took a m om e ntbutth e n l
augh e d.
R e al
l
y?
Sure . A l
lbe stl
e sbians in A ustral
ia, e ve ryone k now s th at.
H ow doe s ite nd?
Sne gouroch k a arrive to A ustral

ia and be com e s te nnis pl
aye r
and be ats Yvonne Gool
agong in D avis Cup. Th e n sh e m arry
M artina Navratil
ova and th e y l
ive h appil
y e ve r afte r running
te nnis sch oolfor A ustral
ian adol
e sce nts.
I k now W h ats h e r nam e again?
Sne gouroch k a.
W h os th atsinging now ?
Is boyfrie nd.
ButI th ough tyou said sh e w as a l
e sbian.
Ye s. Le h l
, h e r boyfrie nd is gay.
Th e n ?
ind |
K e vilsh rugge d. Is R ussian fairytal

e .
Th e girl
sl
augh e d and K e vilgrinne d broadl
y.
Th e y drank again and l
iste ne d som e m ore .
W h ats h appe ning now ?
Is al
w ays th e sam e in R ussian fairy tal
e th e Snow Girlm e l
ts.
A w ind be gan to bl
ow atth e pe rfe ctstil
l
ne ss of th e nigh t. Th e
R osh ane vs and th e Vach e ttis turne d up to col
l
e ctth e ir young.
R osie , instal
l
e d prote sting, into h e r fath e rs car, ope ne d th e
w indow to say to K are n, IsntK e vin nice ?I w ish al
lboys w e re
l
ik e th at.
H e s notrigh tfor you. K are n w al
k e d aw ay from th e car
disguste d by th e bl
astof al
coh olon R osie s bre ath .
W e l
l
, I am surprise d, said M rs Bark e r atth e cl
e ane d-up
h ouse , you m usth ave be e n up al
lnigh t.
I h ad noth ing be tte r to do, D igby said.
Ne xttim e your broth e r h as a party, w il
lyou ge th im to ask
m e?
K atask e d on M onday.
No, said K are n, you w oul
dntcope .
W h atdo you m e an?
Youre stil
latth e bitch y bratgangirlstage , K at, ol
de r guys
cantstand th at. A nd sh e and R osie stal
k e d off.
K e vilsaid h e w oul
d ge tsom e m ore vodk a.
O h . R osie w ontbe abl
e to drink it. H e r pare nts th ough tsh e
h ad be e n drink ing th e l
asttim e .
Sh e h ad.
Th e yre m e ga strictCath ol
ics. Butge tth e vodk a. You can
com e to m ine and w e l
ll
iste n to m usic. D igbys gotsom e gre at
stuff so h e says.
M aybe w e print. M aybe w e can printsom e th ing. I w oul
dl
ik e
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 21|
th at. Notm uch room in m y pl

ace .
Ll
oyd w as h aving troubl
e acce pting K e vins dick . Its too big.
You didntpute nough stuff on it. You can ge ta dise ase .
Late r on th e y saw th e h e adl
ine in a gay pape r som e one h ad
brough tto sch oolSTD s O N TH E INCR EA SE. Ll
oyd
e xch ange d a te l
l
ing gl
ance w ith K e vin. Th e ne xttim e K e vin
w ore a condom and itw e ntin.
Th e y w oul
d go to K e vins apartm e nt. H is pare nts w e re al
w ays
w ork ing. Th e y w oul
dl
iste n to m usic, tal
k aboutsch ooland
e nd up on K e vins be d. Th e n th e y w oul
d raid th e R osh ane v
re frige rator. O nce afte r th e y h ad h ad a sh ow e r toge th e r M rs
R osh ane vcom pl
aine d aboutth e m e ss and th e w e ttow e l
s.
K e vin h ad h ad to l
ie aboutsocce r and Ll
oyd and h im both
ge tting dirty. H is m oth e r h ad scrutinise d h im care ful
l
y.
W e sh oul
d notdo itno m ore , m aybe , h e h ad w orrie d to Ll
oyd.
A ny m ore . O nl
y w e stie s say sh oul
dntdo itno m ore its
any m ore .
Ye s. D oubl
e ne gative any m ore , notdo itany m ore .
Th ats righ t.
Butth e y coul
dnth e l
p th e m se l
ve s.
Soon w e l
lh ave girl
frie nds, Ll
oyd said.
vi
You sh oul
d se l
lyour prints.
W h o w oul
d buy th e m ?
Th e y are good on fabric so dre ss m ak e rs, fash ion de signe rs.

Th e y are re al
l
y good. Il
lh e l
p you.
K are n and K e vilw e re l
ying, intoxicate d, atth e bottom of th e
Bark e rs garde n. Ye ar Tw e l
ve w as al
m ostove r and th e y w e re
ind |
facing th e ir future s w ith som e appre h e nsion. O ve r th e past

ye ar th e y h ad gotinto th e h abitof k il
l
ing h al
f a bottl
e of vodk a
toge th e r in various isol
ate d spots around th e be ach . Th e y
w oul
d sitand drink and tal
k . Late l
y th e y h ad tak e n to driving
in one of th e ir pare nts cars to anoth e r be ach to sm ok e a joint
and l
iste n to th e car radio.
I dontk now w h atyou do w ith th atboy, M rs Bark e r said one
afte rnoon, th e re w e re tak e aw ay cartons al
love r th e back se at.
K e vin goth ungry so
D igby burstinto l
augh te r.
w e gotsom e tak e aw ay.
Its notgood for you. You coul
d h ave brough th im h e re and
m ade a nice toaste d ch e e se sandw ich . Itw as col
dl
astnigh t.
O ne or th e oth e r of you coul
d ge tth e fl
u and th e n w h atw oul
d
you do w ith your e xam s com ing up?H is pare nts are counting
on h im doing w e l
l
.
H e l
ldo w e l
l
, h e s bril
l
iantatA rtand Engl
ish .
A nd h e coul
d h ardl
y spe ak itw h e n w e firstk ne w h im . Ne xt
tim e invite h im in.
Late r sh e cam e to K are ns room and be gan, I k now th e y te l
l
you aboutth is atsch oolbutI justw antto re m ind you its
m y duty th atyoung pe opl
e can be ove rcom e by th e ir fe e l
ings.
I k now K e vins a de ce nttype butYou m igh tconside r
prote ction. I w il
lm ak e an appointm e nt-
K are n l
e aptfrom h e r de sk . O h pl
e ase ! Im m ore l
ik e l
y to rape
h im th an
Im nottal
k ing aboutrape , Im -
O h youre as bad as Broth e r Le o, h e s al
w ays te l
l
ing us notto
l
e tour h orm one s tal
k our w al
k . Eve n R osie l
augh s ath im .
Cantyou l
e tm e h ave a frie nd?W h y do you w antto spoilit?
H e s th e be stfrie nd Ive e ve r h ad.
M rs Bark e r dre w back atth is. W h ataboutR osie ?
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 23|
Sh e s al
righ t. ButW e re al
lgoing to th e form altoge th e r.
M rs Bark e r w ith dre w . Sh e satin h e r k itch e n and ove r a cup of
te a cam e to th e concl
usion th atth is w as notal
toge th e r a bad
th ing som e of th e frie nds D igby brough tin ... Sh e ough tto
ge tTre vor to h ave a tal
k to D igby too. Itw as tim e now h e w as
atunive rsity and pre y to w h o k ne w w h atinfl
ue nce s.
K are n appe are d. W il
lyou h e l
p m e m ak e a dre ss?I w antto
cre ate m y ow n form algow n. Ith as to be fabul
ous.
M rs Bark e r w as appe ase d by th e norm al
cy of th is. Ye s. W e l
l
go into tow n on Sunday and ch oose a patte rn and som e fabric.
I saw som e nice gl
aze d cotton th e l
ast-
No. Im going to de sign it. W il
lyou h e l
p m e pin th e m ate rial
and se w it?I w antsil
k je rse y. To drape .
O h K are n, do you k now h ow m uch th atw il
lcost?A nd youl
l
probabl
y ne ve r w e ar itagain. I suppose th ats w h atR osie s
w e aring. R e m e m be r h e r pare nts are w e l
loff and sh e is th e ir
baby.
Th e form alw as h e l
d in th e bal
l
room of an al
m ostgrand h ote l
.
K are n w as dre sse d in sw ath e s of gl
aze d cotton sh e h ad printe d
in ye l
l
ow and m auve sw irl
s.
You l
ook l
ik e a l
ounge ch air, K atpronounce d tak ing in th e coordinate d sandal
s and bag be fore w orrying ata cork scre w of
h air.
K are n, Ll
oyd, K e vin and K are n h ad be e n give n a ve rm outh
w ith th e ir antipasto atth e Vach e ttis. Ll
oyd w as driving th e m
in butM r Vach e tti w as pick ing up h is daugh te r attw e l
ve .
Th e bal
l
room se e m e d vast, its ve ry dim l
igh ting w as banish e d
h e re and th e re by pool
s of brigh tne ss. A sm ok e m ach ine
e xtrude d a h e avy fog onto th e dance fl
oor. Itsl
oppe d around
k ne e h igh to be k ick e d aw ay by th e l
e gs of dance rs and
inte rm itte ntl
y sl
ice d by a puny l
ase r be fore rol
l
ing to its doom
in l
urid col
ours borrow e d from a bipol
ar l
igh tbal
l
.
ind |
Th e graduating cl
ass w as aw ash w ith a se ntim e ntcom pounde d
of fe ar and nostal
gia. Ne arl
y al
lh ad be e n groom e d and
de corate d to al
l
ure and im pre ss;th atw as now th e conscious
aim of ve ry fe w . Taffe tas gl
ow e d in th e gl
oom , sh oul
de r pads
sw aye d, h e ads w e re h e l
d sw an-l
ik e above sw ath e d bosom s.
Young m e n w h o h ad subm itte d to h airdre ssing and bow tie s
th e re by forgoing th e ir righ tto sch ool
yard th uggish ne ss fe l
t
th e y w e re now obl
ige d to be ar th e m se l
ve s l
ik e prince s;w inge d
col
l
ars and gaudy cum m e rbunds furth e r im pre sse d th is
th ril
l
ing burde n.
A D Jasse m bl
e d se ts w h ich pul
se d in th e ir ve ins, vibrate d and
fibril
l
ate d in th e ir brains, th udde d rh yth m s for th e ir h e arts to
synch ronise w ith . Th e y sh im m ie d th e n scre am e d and sh oute d
and sh im m ie d again and groove d w ith th e ir sh oul
de rs and
h ips. Th e y satand w e re de m ure . Itw as e xtraordinaril
y e rotic
and unse xual
. Th e y w e re conscious of th e ir ch il
dh oods
draining, th e ir future s l
oom ing irre vocabl
y, of th e m ature
e nough be auty of som e of th e ir cl
assm ate s, of th e ir ow n
unpre pare dne ss. A fte r th is th e ir sch ooluniform s coul
d onl
y be
a facade . Th e y sough te scape from th e re sponsibil
itie s be ing
im pose d by th e rituala drink in one of th e h ote l
s bars from
w h ich th e y soon fl
e d back , outside to sm ok e a cigare tte or
catch a bre ath of fre sh air, to th e toil
e ts to ch e ck h ow th e ir
m ask s w e re h ol
ding up;th e toil
e ts re e k e d of dope .
I am so gl
ad to be outof th atbal
l
room , K are n said as Ll
oyd
drove h e r and K e vilh om e w ards.
O h w e cantgo h om e ! sh e e xcl
aim e d as Ll
oyd approach e d h e r
road, w e h ave to stay up al
lnigh t.
Itw as notye ttw o.
Le ts w al
k on th e be ach , sh e said w h e n sh e notice d th e tre m or
of re sistance w h ich passe d be tw e e n th e tw o young m e n in th e
frontse at. Th e n I can go up and se e if D igby h as any dope .
Th e w ave s froth e d around h e r ank l
e s. Sh e w onde re d if sh e
l
ook e d l
ik e som e one in a fil
m to th e tw o boys standing on th e
be ach . Com e on, its notcol
d.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 25|
K e viltook off h is sh oe s and sock s. Ll

oyd stood adam antin h is
re je ction of w h ate ve r K are n w as proposing.
H aving pe rsuade d K e vilin, K are n joine d Ll
oyd on th e sand in
an atte m ptatpe rsuading h im into com pl
icity w ith h e r fantasy.
Th e y w atch e d K e vilw ading w ith h is trouse rs rol
l
e d up against
th e froth ing w h ite . A l
m ostal
one of th e Ye ar, K e vilh ad w orn
traditionalbl
ack tie . H e w as de e p in th ough tand h is h air
fl
oppe d ove r h is brow .
D oe snth e l
ook l
ik e a prince ?
K are n note d for Ll
oyd.
Th ats w h atM r Bl
ack m an said.
R e al
l
y?
Ye s. H e w as passing our tabl

e you w e re dancing and h e
stoppe d and said, You l
ook l
ik e a prince , as usualR osh ane v.
I th ink h e w as bitpisse d.
H e s gay.
A tth atm om e ntK e vilw al
k e d outof th e se a and cam e up and
k isse d Ll
oyd. H e puth is arm s around h im and k isse d h im
de e pl
y.
Ll
oyd coul
d notprote st.
Itw as as if a h uge w ave h ad tak e n K are n by surprise and
dum pe d h e r. W h ataboutm e ?
K e vilputh is arm s around h e r and k isse d h e r butw h e n sh e

ope ne d h e r m outh h e w ith dre w .
Th e y saton th e be ach . K are n fe l
tsh ock e d, a profound col
d
w el
l
e d up in h e r. Com e on up, Il
lm ak e ch e e se sandw ich e s.
M um is al
w ays te l
l
ing m e to. Il
lw al
k , you drive .
K e vilw e ntw ith Ll
oyd.
A s sh e stum bl
e d up th e path , cl
utch ing h e r sandal
s and bag,
trying to h ol
d th e bil
l
ow ing h e m of h e r gow n up, K are ns m ind
rage d. H e s m ine , sh e said to h e rse l
f, h e s m ine . K e vil
s m ine .
A nd sh e re coil
e d from h e r ow n de spe rate pre sum ption.
ind |
Sh e h ope d th e yd justdrive aw ay butth e y w e re w aiting for h e r.

Sh e l
e d th e m into th e k itch e n.
Th e te a and toaste d sandw ich e s h e l
pe d. Th e y pick e d incide nts
from th e nigh tand turne d th e m ove r l
ik e pe riw ink l
e s. A tl
ast
sh e said, I dontth ink I can ge tth e dope , and th e y l
e ft.
K e vin puth is h and on Ll
oyds th igh as h e drove th e n m ove d it
to h is cock . H e strok e d th e e re ction th rough th e h ire d fabric.
D ont, Ll
oyd said, you sh oul
dnth ave done th at.
D rive to th e park , K e vin said.
Th e re , h e be gan k issing Ll
oyd, goth is cock out, strok e d it, th e n
took itin h is m outh untilLl
oyd sigh e d and strok e d h is h air.
Th e n h e go outof th e car and dragge d Ll
oyd outand l
e ad h im
by h is e re ction to a rock , turne d Ll
oyd around and pl
ace d h is
arm s up onto th e rock , re ach e d around and h ugge d h is ch e st,
m ove d h is arm s dow n, fum bl
e d atLl
oyds trouse rs untilth e y
fe l
l
, sl
ippe d Ll
oyds jock s dow n.
Ll
oyd fe l
tK e vins m oiste ne d finge r circl
ing and pre ssing ath is
re ctum . H e w as in, th e n anoth e r finge r. K e vin e m brace d Ll
oyd
again and m ove d h is h ands up unde r h is sh irt. Ll
oyd th rash e d,
transfixe d in h is posture th e n fe l
th is nippl
e s be ing rol
l
ed
be tw e e n K e vins sm ooth w arm finge rs. Th e n h e w as pre ssing
againsth im and h e fe l
tth e h uge w arm th of K e vins dick
pre ssing, pre ssing th e n sudde nl
y itw as in and Ll
oyds h e ad
th unde re d and fl
ash e d untilth e sm e l
lof dam p l
e ave s and soil
drifte d into h is consciousne ss. H e turne d around and h e l
d
K e vin, h is m outh ope n and se arch ing for K e vins l
ips.
K e vin took h is h and dow n to h is pe nis w h ich w as w arm and
sm ooth and stil
lstrong.
I didntm e an to com e so soon, Ll
oyd said as h e drove aw ay,
I dontk now w h y. H e w as m ad w ith h appine ss de spite th at
re gre t.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 27|
vii
K are n w as e ating and e ating.
H e r m oth e r w atch e d. Youl
lputon w e igh t, sh e said.
So w h at?Il
lstil
lbe m e . Its justadve rtising.
W h atis?
A l
lth is abouth aving to be sl
im .
H e r m oth e r pick e d up h e r bag and l
e ftfor w ork .
K are n w ante d to tal
k to som e one . R osie w as ge tting re ady to
go to Europe , h e r fath e r w as in th e study orch e strating a tune
for a te l
e vision ad, D igby w as outof th e q ue stion.
K e vilappe are d.
K are ns h e artth udde d. Ive gotto be atw ork soon, sh e said,
your m oth e r w il
lgo m ad.
Nottil
le l
e ve n.
Th e y satin sil
e nce w h ich K are n brok e w ith , W h attim e did
you I m e an, did you stay Itw as a gre atnigh t, w asntit?
W asntitaw fulw h e n M ario th re w up in frontof Broth e r Le o?
K e vilsh rugge d. I h ave a pl

an. W h y dontw e try and se l
lsom e
of your de signs?I k now w h e re to go. W e coul
d tak e som e
sam pl
e s around th e fabric sh ops and se e if w e coul
d ge tsom e
orde rs to print.
No-one w oul
d tak e th e m . W h atch ance w oul
d w e h ave ?
W e h ave a ch ance .
W h atcoul
d w e tak e ?I h ave ntgote nough .
You onl
y ne e d th re e m aybe four to six sam pl
e s. You coul
d
use your H SC w ork .
K are n, de spite h e rse l
f, h ad be e n gl
aring atK e vil
, now th e gl
are
w as dissol
ving. W h ich one s?
ind |
Th e y m ove d into th e studio room to e xam ine K are ns prints. I

w oul
dntk now w h atto ch arge , sh e said, e ve n.
M um h as a frie nd in th e industry, w e coul
d ask h e r. Il
lcom e
to th e sh op w ith you and w e can ring up. M um w il
lgive you
th e num be r.
Th e y w al
k e d dow n th e h il
ltoge th e r, K e vilpush ing h is bik e .
A re you angry aboutl
astnigh t?
No. W h y w oul
d I be ?
Youre nottal
k ing.
I justcantth ink of anyth ing to say.
Im gay, K e vilsaid.
O h . W ith Ll
oyd?
H e says h e s not.
Th ats O K . D o your pare nts k now ?
No.
I w ontte l
lth e m .
Th ats good. Il
lte l
lth e m w h e n Im atth e Col
l
e ge of th e A rts.
Th e y w al
k e d on in sil
e nce and te ars ran dow n K are ns face .
W h y are you crying?
I dontk now . You w onth ave ch il

dre n.
Van Gogh didnth ave ch il
dre n.
H e w e ntw ith prostitute s fe m al
e one s.
Th e y w al
k e d on.
Th atw as a stupid th ing to say, I didntm e an it.
Is O K .
Th e se days K e vilonl
y re gre sse d to R ussian-Engl
ish w h e n h e
w as upse t.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 29 |
O h ! K are n w ail
e d, I didntm e an it. Im gl
ad youre gay, I
re al
l
y am , I al
w ays h ope d you w e re , now w e can be frie nds
al
w ays Cantw e ?
K e vilputh is fre e arm around h e r and h ugge d K are n.

Sh e w e ptuncontrol
l
abl
y. Pe opl
e stare d. Sh e tol
d M rs
R osh ane vitw as h e r tim e of th e m onth .
Is e xam s, M rs R osh ane vsaid, now you be gin to re l
ax. Bal
l
notto re l
ax too m uch e xcite m e nt. K irilw h atyou say w ith
m ood?
M oody.
M oody l
ik e you. Sh outath is fath e r. H is fath e r!
K are n continue d to e at.
You w antto w atch it, youre putting on w e igh t.
Sh e ignore d D igby.
H e s gota point, de ar you dont
Youre a m al
e fuck ing ch auvinistpig! sh e scre am e d.
Th e y w e re al
lstaring ath e r.
H e s scre w ing M e lH opk ins, sh e s h al
f h is age . Youre a
fuck ing ch il
d m ol
e ste r!
Th e re w as a grote sq ue sil
e nce .
H ow ol
d is th is girl
?
M r Bark e r spok e in th e de e p, se ve re
tone h is ch il
dre n h ad onl
y rare l
y h ad dire cte d atth e m .
Sh e s e igh te e n, D ad. D igby gotup, gave h is siste r a puzzl
e d,
furious, h urtl
ook and l
e ftth e room .
I canth ave th is tal
k . I cantbe upse tl
ik e th is. I h ave to l
igh t
som e products for adve rtising, its so te dious in its w ay
l
aw nm ow e rs and w h ippe rsnippe rs - and M r Tim m ins w ants
m e to l
e arn h ow to scan th ings so w e can putth e m on th e
com pute r. I canth ave th is M rs Bark e r al
so rose and l
e ft
th e room .
ind |
K are n h ung h e r h e ad, pick e d up h e r spoon and ate som e m ore

of th e m ue sl
i w ith h aze lnuts sh e h ad bough t.
H e r fath e r satw h il
e sh e ate . Sh e k e pte ating in orde r to avoid
h is e ye s. Final
l
y sh e h ad no option. Sh e burstinto te ars. H e r
fath e r k e ptsitting, l
ook ing ath e r. Sh e gotup to fl
e e h is
unre l
e nting gaze . Sitdow n, h e said.
I coul
dnth e l
p it, K are n snive l
l
e d.
Youre approach ing an age w h e n you cantin any de ce ncy say
th at.
W h atth e n?
You k now K are n, w e cantal

w ays h ave w h at- or w h o - w e
w ant.
M r Bark e r gotup and l
e fth e r to h e r m ise ry.
A gain sh e w as al
lgl
are s w h e n sh e e ncounte re d K e vilin h is
pare nts sh op. Th is tim e h e m ade no atte m ptto m ol
l
ify h e r.
I canth ave I w onth ave th atl
anguage . If e ith e r of you use
itagain I w il
lw ith draw m y support. Your fath e r and I h ave
done al
lw e can. I h e ar th e m spe ak ing l
ik e th atand I am
re vol
te d. W e se ntyou to a good sch oolth e be stin th e
ne igh bourh ood so you w oul
d notbe e xpose d to th atk ind of
infl
ue nce .
I ne ve r
A nd you, M rs Bark e r continue d, turning h e r atte ntion on
D igby now , m ustbring al
lyour frie nds h om e for for
dinne r, so w e can m e e tth e m . A nd I h ope th is girl
s pare nts
k now w h atis going on be cause I dontw antsom e irate m oth e r
accosting m e in th e m al
lor som e
H appy now ?
D igby said to K are n.
Late r K are n borrow e d th e car and drove to th e ne are stsh op
and bough tth re e ch ocol
ate bars. Sh e satin th e car and ate one
im m e diate l
y. Sh e ate th e oth e r one as sh e drove h om e , gotinto
be d w ith a book and ate th e th ird th e n fe l
linto a l
e ade n sl
e e p.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 31|
Th e Ch ristm as se ason w as approach ing. Eve ryone puts on

w e igh tatCh ristm as, sh e said as sh e trod off th e scal
e s five
k il
os h e avie r.
Sh e w asntspe ak ing to K e vil
. R osie w as in Europe . Sh e didnt
go ne ar th e be ach . Sh e w ork e d for th e R osh ane vs. Sh e re ad.
W h e n D igby brough tM e l
anie H opk ins for dinne r sh e al
lbut
ignore d h e r. A fte r w h ich h e r m oth e r said, I am ash am e d of
you. You h ave obviousl
y abandone d your m anne rs butI do
th ink you coul
d h ave m ade an e ffortfor your broth e rs sak e ,
h e se e m s ve ry k e e n on th is girl
.
Sh e s a sl
ut.
H e r m oth e r gaze d ath e r in h orror th e n w onde re d if th is w e re
true w h atif D igby w e re se rious aboutth is girl
?Sh e m ustse e
if sh e coul
d find anyth ing outabouth e r.
R osie rang h e r on Ch ristm as D ay. Sh e w as h aving a fabul
ous
tim e in Pal
e rm o. Sh e h ad l
ostth re e k il
os and h e r cousins w e re
h el
ping h e r ch oose dre sse s and sh oe s and th e y h ad tak e n
h e r to a fabul
ous h airdre sse r, W aittil
lyou se e !
K are n rush e d off to w e igh h e rse l
f se ve n k il
os now .
Ll
oyd rang and ask e d h e r round for a dinne r party. Sh e
re fuse d. A nd th e nigh tof th e dinne r party w e ntoutafte r
dinne r and bough ta carton of sw e e tand sour pork and frie d
rice to e atitw ith . Sh e satin th e car park stuffing h e rse l
f. A car
pul
l
e d up ne arby. Itw as ful
lof girl
s from sch ool
. K are n
scre e ch e d outof th e car park , th e ir l
augh te r and e xcite d
m anne r fl
ash ing th rough h e r brain. Th e pork and rice fl
e w al
l
ove r th e frontse at.
H e r m oth e r w ok e h e r in th e m orning. W h ath ave you spil
l
ed
in m y car?Itsm e l
l
sl
ik e Ch ine se food and th e re s rice
e ve ryw h e re . Ge tup and go outand cl
e an itup.
A tbre ak fastsh e h ad to confe ss sh e coul
dntge tth e stains out.
Its onl
y an ol
d car in any case .
W e l
lyou ne e dntdrive itany m ore .
ind |
Sh e h ad troubl
e fitting into h e r sk irtand bl
ouse . Sh e l
ook e d at
h e rse l
f in th e m irror. W orse w as th e l
ook up and dow n - M rs
R osh ane vgave h e r as sh e w al
k e d in. Th e n, in a q uie tm om e nt,
M rs R osh ane vask e d h e r ve ry ge ntl
y if sh e w as al
righ t.
Sh e starte d to cry. M r and M rs R osh ane vh ad give n h e r a ve ry
ge ne rous Ch ristm as bonus to h e l
p h e r startatunive rsity. M rs
R osh ane vtook h e r in h e r arm s. K are n brok e fre e and said sh e
w as O K .
Th atnigh th e r m oth e r cam e into h e r room and ask e d h e r if sh e
re al
l
y w ante d to startartsch oolfe e l
ing ove rw e igh tand not
abl
e to fitinto al
lth e l
ove l
y cl
oth e s sh e h ad.
Th e yre notl
ove l
y. I m ade th e m in any case . O th e r girl
s
m oth e rs tak e th e m to sh ops and th e y can ch oose w h atth e y
w ant.
I am nototh e r girl
s m oth e rs. M rs Bark e r said. Your cl
oth e s
are of th e be stm ate rial
s and th e y fitare fitte d pe rfe ctl
y. Th e y
are an outl
e tfor your cre ativity. I th ough t
M rs Bark e r h ad re tre ate d dism aye d and confuse d. In th e
m orning K are n trie d to apol
ogise by e xpl
aining w h atsh e h ad
m e ant. O th e r girl
s de spise h om e m ade cl
oth e s. R osie is buying
couture cl
oth e s in Ital
y. Sh e s h ad h e r h air done by a top
h airdre sse r.
Th atnigh th e r m oth e r cam e in again and said, Your fath e rs
doing ve ry w e l
ll
ate l
y. Ive spok e n to h im . You can h ave your
h air done in tow n th ough god k now s w h atth e yl
ldo to it. H ow
m uch w il
lyou ne e d for your w ardrobe ?W e l
lh ave to give
D igby m one y to buy a car.
A fie rce gre e d ove rcam e K are n now sh e coul
d buy cl
oth e s
and sh oe s and m ak e -up, h ave h e r h air done by som e one re al
l
y
good. Sh e w oul
d be com e one of th ose pl
um p, ve ry m ade -up
and w e l
ldre sse d girl
s and Il
lgo into tow n and se e , sh e
tol
d h e r m oth e r.
Sh e h ad h e r h air styl
e d and paid for ith e rse l
f;itcosth e r an
e xorbitantam ount. W h e n sh e w ok e up th e ne xtday sh e saw
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 33|
h e r fatse l
fl
ook ing back ath e r unde r a rum pl
e d styl
ish cut.
Sh e coul
dntge titto fal
lth e w ay th e h airdre sse r h ad.
K e vilstare d ath e r and sh e saw w h ath e saw and w as
de spe rate l
y unh appy, h ope l
e ss.
W h atare you doing for Ne w Ye ars Eve ?
h e said to h e r th e
ne xtday.
K are n w as ove rjoye d. H ave ntth ough taboutit. R e al
l
y.
K e vill
ook e d atth e row of vodk a bottl
e s. K are n nodde d.
K e viland I are h aving a fe w drink s on th e ve randa, sh e
announce d to h e r pare nts w h e n th e y ask e d h e r if sh e w ante d
to go w ith th e m to a ne igh bours. Eve ryone w as re l
ie ve d.
M e land I m igh tjoin you for a fe w be fore w e go out, D igby
ask e d.
A fe w ! You are notdrink ing and driving. You h ave a
re sponsibil
ity to th atyoung l
ady. A s w e l
las yourse l
f. O n Ne w
Ye ars Eve .
K are ns h e artcl
e nch e d againstth e ide a of h aving to sh are h e r
K e vilon Ne w Ye ars Eve . Sh e dare notsay anyth ing th atm igh t
be inte rpre te d as disl
ik e of M e l
anie H opk ins w h om sh e h e l
d in
conte m ptand w h ose conte m ptsh e fe are d. K e viland I are
going th rough m y de signs so w e can ch oose th e be stto try and
se l
l
. W e l
lbe pre tty absorbe d.
D igby re al
l
yl
ik e d K e vil
, th e y jok e d th rough th e dinne r. Sh e
m ade a spe ciale ffortw ith M e l
anie w h o in re sponse confide d
w h y sh e h adntspok e n to K atTre ne rry since Ye ar Te n. Th e n
said, w h il
e sh e and K are n w e re al
one , I w ish D ig and I coul
d
be l
ik e you and K e vin. In h e r confusion K are n nodde d
unde rstandingl
y.
K e vilscanne d h e r de signs as th e y k nock e d back th e ir first
vodk as. Th e y se l
e cte d five for a portfol
io to tak e around fabric
w h ol
e sal
e rs, th e n one to printa coupl
e of m e tre s to give an
ide a of h ow th e de signs w oul
d transl
ate . Th e y h ad de cide d on
th e m as curtain or furnish ing fabrics and to m ove onto
ind |
cl
oth ing w h e n th e y h ad gotsom e orde rs and unde rstanding of
th e m ark e t.
Busine ss ove r, K are n dragge d th e l
ong w indow s ope n, K e vil
produce d a joint, th e se a th um pe d an irre gul
ar be atfol
l
ow e d
by a cym balsw ish and th e de e p w h ite and ivory garde nias M rs
Bark e r h ad pl
ace d in an ol
d bl
ue ginge r jar e xude d w ave s of
th e ir h e avy pe rfum e .
So w h e re s Ll
oyd?
K are n coul
d no l
onge r h ol
d back th e
q ue stion w h ich h ad be e n pre ssing on h e r m ind since th e y h ad
col
l
ude d on th is Ne w Ye ars Eve toge th e r.
M arina Cze sovic invite d h im to a party.
O h . W h e re ?
I dontk now . D oe s itm atte r?
In th e ir m ise ry, th e y be gan to se l

e ctC D s. Th e n th e y
adjourne d to th e ir favourite spotatth e bottom of th e Bark e rs
garde n. K are n w as bl
issful
, again sh e coul
dntstop h e rse l
f, I
ne ve r th ough tw e d be h e re e ve r again.
W h y?
I I justth ough tyou didntl

ik e m e any m ore .
W h y w oul
dntI l
ik e you?
I dontk now You w e re going to h e l

p m e w ith th e de signs
and you didntcom e and I th ough tyou w e re busy w ith
Ll
oyd.
K e vil
s sil
e nce confronte d K are n w ith th e fal
se ne ss of h e r
w ords.
A tl
astK e vilsaid, A re you a frie nd of m ine or not?
O f course ! W h atm ak e s you say th at?
H e gotup. If youre not, justte l

lm e . A nd h e be gan to w al
k
off.
K are n trie d to scram bl
e to h e r fe e tbuth e r ne w w e igh t,
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 35|
intoxication and l
ack of suppl
e ne ss m ade h e r pl
op cl
um sil
y
dow n again. K e vilw as ath e r side , cl
asping h e r arm . Im so
fat, K are n said, and I h ave ntbe e n going to Tae . Sh e l
augh e d.
K e vilsat. A nd th e y l
augh e d. A nd l
augh e d.
Final
l
y h e said, W e ve gotto do w e l
lnow . W e ve gotto ge tout
of h e re . Its al
righ tfor you butIm a prisone r.
W e w il
l
! W e l
lbe bril
l
iant. Im going to w ork so h ard.
viii
Ll
oyd cal
l
e d K e vin l
ate Ne w Ye ars day. H appy Ne w Ye ar.
Sam e to you.
H ow w as it?
H ow w as w h at?
Your Ne w Ye ar, up atth e Bark e rs. W h atdid you th ink I

m e ant?
Itw as O K . Good. W e h ad a fe w drink s, a sm ok e M ade

som e busine ss pl
ans.
W as D ig th e re ?
A tfirst, for dinne r, w ith M e l

anie H opk ins th e n th e y w e ntout.
So did M r and M rs Bark e r. M r Bark e rs doing a fil
m score .
So itw as justyou and K are n?
Ye s, I tol
d you. W e m ade busine ss pl
ans, w e re going to se l
l
som e of h e r de signs to fabric w h ol
e sal
e rs. W e re going to print
th e m ourse l
ve s.
Th ats good.
H ow did you go?
Good.
ind |
Th e re w as anoth e r sil
e nce .
You w antto h ang outtonigh t?
O K . W h e re ?
Com e round, m y pare nts are going out. R e ne e l

lbe h e re but
w e Com e as soon as you can, th e yre l
e aving us m one y for
tak e aw ay. H ave you gotanyth ing to sm ok e ?
K e vin didnt.
Th e boys pl
aye d a com pute r gam e . ButK e vin gotbore d w ith it.
Ll
oyd puth is arm around K e vins sh oul
de r butitw as sh rugge d
off. Youve gota girl
frie nd now .
W h o?O h . M arinas notm y girl
frie nd, w e onl
y
W e l
lbe in diffe re ntcam puse s, w e probabl
y w ontse e m uch of
one anoth e r.
I can drop you off, its on th e w ay. W e can go to O rie ntation
W e e k toge th e r. Th e yre notfar apart. W e can com e h om e
toge th e r if our l
e cture s e nd atth e sam e tim e .
Ll
oyd h ad gotinto D e ntistry.
So h ow w as th e party?
I tol
d you, itw as O K . D ig turne d up w ith M e lH opk ins. Th e y
didntstay l
ong. Itw as m ainl
y a Ye ar Tw e l
ve crow d. Sh e
th ink s sh e s h otnow sh e s goth im for a boyfrie nd.
I k now .
Itw oul
d h ave be e n good if you w e re th e re .
I w asntinvite d.
Ye ah . Butitw oul
d h ave be e n good.
A gain Ll
oyd trie d to puth is arm around K e vin butitw as
sh rugge d off. I th ink I be tte r go, I dontfe e lw e l
l
. I th ink Im
ge tting th e fl
u.
Its th e m iddl
e of sum m e r. Youre justpisse d off w ith m e
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 37|
be cause I w e ntoutw ith M arina.

If you say so.
K e vin starte d to l
e ave . Ll
oyd grabbe d h im in a h ug, D ontI ge t
a Ne w Ye ars h ug?
O K .
Butitdid notprogre ss ve ry far be cause K e vin starte d to sw e at.
Th e n h e sw aye d.
Ll
oyd w atch e d as h e w obbl
e d on h is bik e , th e n itstraigh te ne d.
Its for you!
Ll
oyd h ad h e ard th e ph one ringing. W h attim e is it?W h o is it?
Itw as a ve ry upse tM rs R osh ane v. K irilw as in h ospital

.H e
h ad be e n found col
l
apse d on th e side of th e road. H ad th e y
be e n tak ing drugs?W h ath ad h e e ate n atth e M oone ys?
K irilw as proppe d up in th e h ospitalbe d sk e tch ing. H e l
ook e d
saintl
y. A doration cl
utch e d Ll
oyds h e art. M r R osh ane vw as
sitting be side th e be d, h e gl
are d atLl
oyd. W h y you l
e th im ride
h is bik e ?You h ave car.
D ad. Pl
e ase . I w as O K . Ll
oyd didntk now .
I drive h im h om e pl
e nty tim e s.
Th e h ospitalcoul
dntfind anyth ing w rong w ith K e vin and h e
w as disch arge d afte r four days. Th ough th e pizza w as cl
e are d,
M rs R osh ane vcontinue d to h arbour suspicions. Both th e
R osh ane vs now vie w e d Ll
oyd w ith h ostil
ity.
Ll
oyd coul
d h ardl
y k e e p h is h ands off K e vin now . H e w as
fie rce l
y prote ctive of h im . H e tol
d K are n sh e h ad no righ tto l
et
K e vin tak e h e r around th e w h ol
e sal
e fabric sh ops. Le ts go
aw ay, spe nd som e tim e toge th e r, h e be se e ch e d. H e w ante d to
spe nd th e nigh tw ith K e vin, be total
l
y w ith h im for a nigh t
or a fe w nigh ts. A nd th e n th e y coul
d startuni and actm ore
grow n-up, h e tol
d h im se l
f. Th e girl
s w oul
d be al
love r K e vin
and h e d ne ve r ge tagain. H e stood off and l
ook e d ath is
ind |
frie nd turning ove r som e book s in a bin th e broad sh oul

de rs
tape ring to th e narrow h ips, th e l
ock of sh iny th ick h air fal
l
ing
ove r th e sk in gol
de n again, th e ge ntl
el
um inous e ye s unde r th e
sil
k y brow s, th e broad m outh and sq uare jaw , th e grace
K e vin grinne d ath im l
ook ing ath im , W h atare you staring
at?
Th e w h ite e ve n te e th . Ll
oyd w as ove rcom e . H ow coul
dhe
h ave gotcl
ose to such a cre ature ?H e w as so proud to be se e n
w ith h im . Pe opl
e turne d to stare , th e y turne d atth e de e p cl
e ar
tone s of h is voice . Th e w ay pe opl
el
ook e d ath im . O nce , in a
pub, a w aitre ss h ad k e ptcom ing back to se e h ow th e ir drink s
w e re going to stare atK e vin and th e n h ad re tre ate d in
confusion w h e n h e h ad sm il
e d ath e r. W h atm ade it
de vastating w as th ath e didnte ve n notice h e w as obl
ivious
to th e re action h e cre ate d. O ne day in a cl
ub Nobbo R ol
inson
h ad said, Look ath im , h e doe sntbe l
ong h e re , h e m ak e s th e
re stof us l
ook l
ik e sh ags on a rock .
Ll
oyd startl
e d to tre m bl
e w h e n h e final
l
y gotK e vin nak e d
again.
W h ats th e m atte r?
I dontk now w h atIm doing any m ore .

Il
lsh ow you, K e vin said and sm il
e d h is for-Ll
oyd sm il
e.
ix
Notfor us. Curtains you say?Le tm e h ave a l
ook again. M aybe
th is. W h atare you printing iton?Itl
lne e d to be stain
re sistant. A re you sure its e xcl
usive ?W e dontw antto se e it
in e ve ry outl
e taround h e re . W e l
ltry te n m e tre s for a startse e
h ow itgoe s. O n consignm e nt.
No No No M aybe No W h atoth e r col
ours can
you do itin?
W e h andl
e m ainl
y im ports, w e re a l
uxury outl
e t. Coul
d you
do th is in sil
k and l
e tus h ave a l
ook ?
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 39 |
Too taste ful

, M rs R osh ane vs frie nd said sk ipping th rough
K are ns sam pl
e s. Nice but. Sh e tol
d th e m w h atth e y sh oul
d
h ave ch arge d for th e on-consignm e ntorde r and putth e m onto
som e one w h o w oul
d te l
lth e m aboutprope r dye s. Th e n sh e
l
ook e d se ve re l
y atK are n, You nice girl
, I se e in your de sign.
Notrigh tfor th is pe riod. Nouve au pe riod you k now w h at
th atm e ans?
K are n nodde d.
Go back and l
ook . H orribl
e . Gol
d. Paisl
e y. Satin. Tasse l
s.
Vul
garity. Expe nsive . You sh oul
dntsay cotton ne ve r say
cotton. Sil
k . Eve ryth ing e xpe nsive and l
ook e xpe nsive .
Ve rsace . Sh e sh udde re d. Butspe nd, spe nd, spe nd, pay
anyth ing. Is good. Sh e l
augh e d in th e h igh pitch e d m anne r of
M rs R osh ane v. M aybe ne ve r pass. M aybe w e ne ve r ge tback to
taste . Butyou w antbusine ss. Give th e m w h atth e y w ant! Las
Ve gas, H ong K ong, M il
an, M il
an now is h ow to say?
Broth e l
.
O n th e w ay outsh e k isse d K are n afte r k issing K iriland said,
You gottal
e nt, you gottaste . You are young. M aybe you can
w aitbutl
ook , l
ook ! W h atis around. Look atove rse as
m agazine s h e re ! Sh e grabbe d one up from h e r de sk and
pre sse d iton th e girl
. Pornograph y. Butif you w antto m ak e
m one y, you m ustbe w h ore .
K e viltook h e r to l
unch in a R ussian cl
ub. Th e y h ad ice d
borsch t. A rattl
ing fl
oor fan bl
e w a softbre e ze . Th e w aite r w as
a grandfath e r. K e vilspok e R ussian to h im . Th e y l
augh e d ove r
th e m ornings orde al
s and sal
l
ie d forth in h igh spirits to l
ook
w h atis around. K are n sk e tch e d and m ade note s aboutth e
fabrics th e y saw . Th e y l
augh e d atth e m and m ade pe ne trating
obse rvations. Th e y gotth e fe e l
. Th e y cove re d a l
otof te rritory
and onl
y fe l
th ow tire d th e y w e re on th e bus h om e . K are n l
aid
h e r h e ad againstK e vil
s sh oul
de r. Sh e raise d itagain w h e n sh e
fe l
ta tre m or of re sistance .
K are n m ade a ve ry sm al
lprofiton th e te n m e tre s w h ich sol
d so
q uick l
y th atm ore w as orde re d. Sh e took in som e ne w de signs
ind |
sh e h ad done base d on R ussian tape strie s in a book th e

R osh ane vs h ad l
e nth e r. Th e y w e re to be printe d on ve l
ve t.
Th e n Natal
ia, M rs R osh ane vs frie nd contacte d h e r and sh e
w as invite d to bring in h e r originalsam pl
e de signs to sh ow a
pote ntialcl
ie nt. Coul
d sh e se w ?
Sh e said sh e coul
d and
re ce ive d an orde r to printa de sign of gre e n sprigs on a cre am
back ground for tw o bride sm aids dre sse s and fitand se w th e
dre sse s. Sh e w as paid so w e l
lfor th is sh e conte m pl
ate d buying
a car.
R osie arrive d h om e . K are n saw atonce th atsh e w as now a
young w om an. H e r h air w as cutve ry styl
ish l
y and sh e w as
w e aring cl
oth e s th atre al
l
y suite d h e r rounde d figure . Sh e h ad
a ne w confide nce sh e e ve n sounde d diffe re nt- R osie w as
m odul
ating h e r voice and pitch ing itl
ow e r. For th e firsttim e
K are n fe l
ta gl
ow of e nvy and re se ntm e nttow ards h e r frie nd.
Sh e h ad notice d R osie s re action to h e r surprise and a h astil
y
disguise d disgust.
Th e Vach e ttis com m issione d K e vin to paintth e ir daugh te rs
portrait. H e did m any sk e tch e s th e m be gan th e w ork in oil
s.
Its so boring, R osie said to K are n, I h ave to sitstil
lfor h ours.
H e w ontsh ow itto m e . I h ope itl
ook s l
ik e m e , D ads paying
h im a l
ot.
A s K are n h e rse l
f w ork e d ath e r printde signing and fitting and
m ak ing up th e bride sm aids dre sse s, h e r ne e d for food re ce de d.
Sh e starte d to jog. Th e e ffe ctw as al
m ostim m e diate . Sh e
starte d to l
ook sm arte r and sh arpe r. Sh e w e ntback to Tae
K w an D o. Good, youre l
osing w e igh t, Natal
ia said. M rs
Bark e r dare d notsay anyth ing butobse rve d h e r daugh te r
ne rvousl
y.
D ontw orry M um , Im notturning anore xic, K are n said one
day afte r re fusing a sl
ice of bre ad to go w ith h e r ch ick e n sal
ad.
D igby w as aboutto say som e th ing buth is fath e r caugh th is e ye .
Th e bride sm aids dre sse s w e re h ard w ork buth e r m oth e r
h el
pe d h e r. Th e yl
ll
ook l
ove l
y in th e m , M rs Bark e r sigh e d
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 41|
afte r ph otograph ing th e m for h e r daugh te rs portfol

io. Com e
on you tw o, Il
ltak e your portrait. K e vin w as th e re printing
th e ve l
ve tas th e w om e n se w e d th e dre sse s. H e stood forw ard
re adil
y butK are n h e l
d back . I h ave no tim e for th atnonse nse
K are n, its justvanity. Stand back a bitK e vin, turn to th e righ t
no too far Th e n M rs Bark e r re arrange d th e studio l
igh ts.
A gain and again. K are n sudde nl
y re al
ise d sh e w as be ing give n
al
e sson in profe ssional
ism . Th e n itw e ntbe yond th at. M rs
Bark e r m ove d th e tripod righ tin, undid one of K e vins sh irt
buttons, stood back . No, sh e said, its al
lw rong. Go ove r to
th e printtabl
e pl
e ase . Push th e ye s. M rs Bark e r m ove d th e
studio l
igh ts again. M ove th atone ove r h e re K are n pl
e ase .
Ye s. Now l
ow e r itfurth e r. Now be nd ove r and l
ook up into
th e l
e ns, K e vin Low e r th e ch in Up a bitYe s. Th e
sh utte r m otor cl
atte r-w h irre d. O ne of th ose sh oul
d be al
righ t.
Justa m inute . Sh e m ove d righ tinto K e vins face , adjuste d th e
l
e ns, turne d h im to face th e l
igh tcom ing in th e w indow and
th e sh utte r m otor w h irre d again. Le ts se e if you can capture
R osie as w e l
las Ive caugh tyou. Th ough m ine w il
lh ave th e
disadvantage of
O f w h at?
h e r daugh te r ask e d.
I w oul
d h ave pre fe rre d to capture K e vin spontane ousl
y or
th ink a l
ong tim e abouth ow be stto pose h im . Sh e be gan
pack ing up th e l
igh ts. K e vin h e l
pe d h e r carry th e m outto th e
car.
Ll
oyds out, R e ne e M oone y inform e d K e vin.
W il
lyou te l
lh im I cal
l
e d?
H e s w ork ing w ith Tim W ate rh ouse , h is fath e r is paying th e m

to cl
e ar som e l
and. Th e yre staying on th e prope rty.
O K , K e vin said. Th ank s.
H e w as stunne d;Ll
oyd h adnttol
d h im h e w as going aw ay. For
h ow l
ong?h e w onde re d. H e re turne d h is atte ntion to R osie s
portrait. H e k ne w th e Vach e ttis w oul
d w antto fram e itin gil
t
so h e w as w ork ing th e col
our dow n and up in gl
ints h e re and
ind |
th e re - to accom m odate th atfact. H e sudde nl

y fe l
tve ry tire d
and h ad to l
ie dow n. By th e tim e h e gotup itw as tim e to go to
th e sh op.
You w ork ing too h ard on painting. M r R osh ane vstrok e d
unde r h is sons e ye s w ith h is th um bs. Finish . Itis finish e d.
Stop. Th e y w il
lpay you no m ore . Is pe rfe ctnow .
K e vin k ne w itw asntand re se nte d th e m orning h e h ad w aste d
sl
e e ping, re se nte d Ll
oyd w h o w as affording h im so m uch
puzzl
e m e ntand pain w h y h adnth e said h e w as going aw ay
to w ork for M r W ate rh ouse ?W h e n w oul
d h e be back ?H e
didntfe e lh e coul
d ring th e M oone ys again;m aybe th e pare nts
w ante d Ll
oyd to stay aw ay from h im .
H e w ork e d inte nse l
y on th e portraitth atnigh tth e n l
ook e d at
itin th e dayl
igh t. Th e col
ours h e h ad appl
ie d unde r e l
e ctric
l
igh tonl
y ne e de d l
ifting h e re and th e re .
Th e drafting h ad be e n e l
aborate . R osie , dre sse d in one of h e r
ne w Ital
ian frock s, w as h ol
ding h e r viol
in and l
ook ing atm usic
on a stand. Th e re w e re bl
ue and pink h ydrange as in a l
arge
bow lgl
aze d in de e p, de e p rose w ith a de sign of fruits standing
on th e dining room tabl
e . Be side th e bow lof h ydrange as w as a
gl
ass dish of fruitpl
um s, a m ango, bananas, a pine appl
e.
K e vin h ad de ve l
ope d th e sk il
lne e de d for oil
s and th e e ndl
e ss
h ours of sk e tch ing practice h ad give n h im an accurate e ye and
de xte rity. H e h ad w ante d to abstractth e portraitbutk ne w th e
m ore acade m ic th e portraitw as, th e m ore pl
e ase d M r and M rs
Vach e tti w oul
d be .
H e conce ntrate d on R osie w h ath ad h e said abouth e r?W h at
did h e k now abouth e r?Sh e h e l
d th e viol
in som e w h at
care l
e ssl
y (th e re nde ring of th e h ands w as ve ry good) buth e r
gaze on th e sh e e tm usic w as inte nse . H e r frock re inforce d a
se nse of care fulrich ne ss in th e room . Th e w ood of h e r viol
in
gl
e am e d w ith a touch of th e l
igh tal
so re fl
e cting on th e pol
ish e d
tabl
e ove r w h ich w as l
aid a l
uxurious cl
oth trail
ing a gol
d
fringe . Th e ch air atth e tabl
e w as uph ol
ste re d in sh ining gol
d
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 43|
cl
oth . R osie s dre ss se e m e d a l
ittl
e too big so th atsh e appe are d
som e w h atim pose d upon by h e r surroundings. H e r h air w as
com ing a l
ittl
e undone , an e ffe ctK e vin h ad cre ate d on h is
m ode l
. H ad h e be e n unjustto R osie ?H ad h e m isse d som e th ing
in h e r?H ad h e m ade h e r, de spite h e r rounde d figure and face ,
l
e ss substantialth an sh e h ad be com e ?H e de cide d h e w oul
d
tak e th e portraitup and sh ow th e Bark e rs.
H e unw rappe d itin th e studio room . H e w as ne rvous. Th e y
and M e lH opk ins stood, staring. K e vilpl
ace d iton th e print
tabl
e and took up a position be h ind it, h ol
ding itup. H e didnt
dare l
ook for th e ir re actions . Th e y crow de d forw ard.
Its m uch Its m ore traditionalth an I h ad e xpe cte d. M uch ,
w as K are ns im m e diate com m e nt.
Ye ah , its notw h atI w as e xpe cting, w as D igbys re action.
Its gorge ous! W il
lyou do m e ne xt?
w as M e l
anie s.
K e vilnow dare d to l
ook atth e pare nts. Th e y w e re both staring
atth e portrait. M rs Bark e r gl
ance d ath im , th e n back to th e
portrait. Th e sh e m ove d cl
ose r and be gan to inspe ctitcl
ose l
y.
If itw as a printI coul
d se l
lk il
om e tre s of it, K are n said, in
pl
ush .
Its ve ry good K iril
, M r Bark e r sudde nl
y pronounce d in h is
spe cialde e p se rious voice , w e re going to ce l
e brate . You com e
and h e l
p m e , K are n.
Eve ryone l
ook e d atM rs Bark e r for h e r re sponse . Sh e w as
crying.
Im sorry, sorry, K e vin said.
M rs Bark e r justsh ook h e r h e ad and pul
l
e d a tissue from h e r
pock e tand be gan to bl
ow h e r nose .
Th e y al
lstood around th e portraitw ith gl
asse s of ch am pagne .
To K iril
! M r Bark e r intone d and raise d h is gl
ass.
Th e y al
ldrank .
ind |
Ye s. Im sorry I m ade such a foolof m yse l

f. I h ad no ide a
youd com e such a l
ong w ay. You sh oul
d e nte r itin th e
A rch ibal
d its too l
ate th is ye ar butne xtye ar.
W h atare you going to cal
litm ate ?
D igby ask e d.
Portraitof R osie , I suppose .
Th e y al
lstare d again atth e portrait.
K e vin w rappe d th e portrait.
In th e k itch e n, ove r a cup of te a, h e found th e ne rve to ask M r
and M rs Bark e r, Is itrigh t?H ave I said th e righ tth ing?A bout
R osie ?
W e l
lI th ough titw as re al
l
y a stil
ll
ife - aboutth e pink s and
bl
ue s and th e w ood and th e curve s of th e viol
in, K are n offe re d.
M r Bark e r nodde d re assurance strongl
y and sl
ow l
y atK e vin in
an atte m ptto obl
ite rate h is daugh te rs com m e nt.
Picassos portraitof Ge rtrude Ste in is suppose d to l
ook m ore
l
ik e h e r th an sh e did. I th ink th e yre going to be th ril
l
ed
th e yre idiots if th e yre not. A nd th e yre notidiots, th e
Vach e ttis. M rs Bak e r w as l
ook ing atK e vin w ith a ne w ,
re spe ctfulw arm th .
Its notfinish e d ye t.
D ontove rw ork it, M rs Bark e r advise d.
Its h e r butis ityou, m ate ?
D igby ask e d.
Ll
oyd rang. H i.
H i.
Um , h ow ve you be e n?
Good.
Th ats good.
Sil
e nce .
Ive be e n up in th e bush cl
e aring th e W ate rh ouse s l
and.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 45|
Th e yre buil
ding a h ouse .
Sil
e nce .
H ul
l
o?
I k now . R e ne e tol
d m e .
Can w e ge ttoge th e r tak e ite asy?
Sure . A ny tim e . ButIm w ork ing in th e sh op and Im stil

l
finish ing R osie s portrait.
O h . H ow s itgoing?
Good.
Good.
Sil
e nce .
Um , w h e n?
W h e n w h at?
W h e n w il
lw e ch il
lout?
W h e ne ve r. Look . Im busy.
K e vin h ung up. Ll
oyd w as l
e fth ol
ding h is ph one w ith a col
d
fe e l
ing.
R osie s fath e r w as so de l
igh te d w ith th e portraitth at, de spite
R osie s prote sts, h e insiste d on h e r giving a dinne r to sh ow it
off to h e r frie nds in its ne w fram e (m oul
de d gil
t) and position
on th e w al
lbe h ind th e tabl
e in th e portraititse l
f.
Th e y w e re se ate d atth e tabl
e for th e dinne r, R osie s portrait
w ith its bl
ue s, rose , pink h igh l
igh ts and gl
e am ing w ood,
ignoring th e m in its gaze tow ards th e m usic stand. Th e re w e re
six of th e m , incl
uding K are n, K e vin and Ll
oyd.
K e vin and R osie w e re diffide nt, K are n re se ntfuland incl
ine d
to a brittl
e irony and Ll
oyd confl
icte d. Th e oth e r tw o gue sts a
m al
e cousin of R osie and a m usicalfrie nd w e re puzzl
e d and
confuse d by th e straine d atm osph e re . A tone pointK e vin
ind |
notice d R osie l
ook ing de spe rate .
K are n is doing re al
l
y w el
lse l
l
ing h e r prints and Ll
oyd h as
be e n w ork ing h ard in th e bush . R osie h as be e n w ork ing h ard
sitting for h e r portrait.
R osie said, O h notth ath ard, I justh ad be tte r th ings to do oh
sorry, I didntm e an
A nd e ve ryone l
augh e d.
Th e cousin ask e d Ll
oyd aboutw ork ing in th e bush and
K are ns succe ss w as inq uire d into. Th e w ine w as tak ing e ffe ct
and th e dinne r se ttl
e d into pl
e asantry.
Ll
oyd trie d notto butk e ptgl
ancing atK e vin w h o w as l
ove l
y in
a ne w sh irtbutpal
e.
Ll
oyd offe re d to drive K are n and K e vin h om e . K e vin re fuse d
butK are n said, O h com e on, stop be ing a sul
k .
Sh e gotoutof th e car w ith , Bye , dontdo anyth ing I w oul
dnt,
you boys. A nd sl
am m e d th e car door.
Th e y w atch e d h e r indignantstal
k dow n th e path to h e r front
door.
W h ats w ith h e r?
Ll
oyd ask e d.
K e vin didntansw e r.
W h e re are w e going?
h e de m ande d w h e n itw as obvious
Ll
oyd w as noth e ading tow ards th e R osh ane vs.
I th ough tw e m igh th ave a sm ok e , Tim gave m e som e . H e s got
itgrow ing in th e bush up th e re .
I dontth ink so.
W h y not?
I dontsm ok e or drink w ith pe opl

e I donttrust.
Th e re w as a l
ong sil
e nce w h il
e Ll
oyd drove . Th e n h e stoppe d
th e car. W h y dontyou trustm e ?
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 47|
You justtak e off w ith Tim W ate rh ouse w ith outte l

l
ing m e . I
ring up, your bitch of a siste r te l
l
s m e youve gone aw ay. First
Ive h e ard of it.
I I Itw as Tim justask e d m e and th e y w e re going th e
ne xtday, practical
l
y. Youre e arning m one y, I h ave to ge t
m one y for uni too. I ne ve r saw you, you w e re al
w ays w ork ing
in th e sh op or on R osie s portrait. I ne ve r saw Ive gotto
m ak e ne w frie nds. Tim s doing Engine e ring so Il
lse e h im ,
youl
lbe atth e oth e r cam pus. I w ontk now anyone , youl
l
h ave K are n to go around w ith , atfirst. Youl
lboth h ave h e aps
of m one y and Il
lbe struggl
ing. Im th e one w ith th e car.
K are n's ge tting a car.
Is sh e ?W h atsort?O h com e on, h ave a sm ok e w ith a m ate .
Ll
oyd drove to th e park l
and w h e re th e y h ad m ade l
ove th e
nigh tof th e form al
.
Th e y sm ok e d th e jointand satin sil
e nce , brooding. Ll
oyd trie d
to tak e K e vins h and butth is advance w as re je cte d.
A fte r a w h il
e , Ll
oyd starte d th e car and drove K e vin h om e .
Justas h e w as ge tting outof th e car, Ll
oyd gabbe d h im back in,
Im sorry! I Its h ard for m e , Ive gotto Youl
lbe atart
sch ool
, th e yre al
lpoofs, Ive gotto R e ne e k e e ps saying I
didntk now w h atto do, Ive gotto
Try grow ing bal
l
s, K e vin said and gotoutof th e car.
x
K are n w as abl
e to re l
ish K e vil
s com pany th e y h ad a fe w
cl
asse s in com m on atartcol
l
e ge and h e w as h e l
ping h e r m ak e
up th e orde rs for h e r de signs w h ich w e re com ing in re gul
arl
y
th rough Natal
ia and oth e r source s.
You h ave th e com m e rciale ye , Natal
ia said, fl
ick ing th rough
ind |
som e sam pl
e s K are n h ad m ade up. Sh e h ad re gaine d h e r figure
and w as, on Natal
ias advice , using h e r ow n fabrics to m ak e
h e r cl
oth e s. Sh e bough ta dum m y on w h ich sh e fitte d th e
fabrics for h e r cl
oth e s. Sh e paid frigh te ning am ounts for sh oe s.
Natal
ia gl
ance d atth e m in approval
. W h e n sh e w as ask e d h ow
sh e h ad l
ostw e igh tsh e w oul
d say, I justdonth ave tim e to e at
any m ore .
Sh e bough ta car and saw h e r fath e rs accountantto w ork out
h ow m uch of itsh e coul
d w rite off on tax. Th e accountantw as
al
so inve stigating h ow m uch of h e r cl
oth ing sh e coul
d w rite off.
H e r succe ss w as e vide nt. M ostof th e stude nts and som e of th e
l
e cture rs tre ate d h e r w ith spe cialre spe ctitw as k now n th at
sh e w as al
re ady se l
l
ing. Th is al
ie nate d som e of th e oth e r art
stude nts w h o de spise d any aspe ctof com m e rcialart. K are n
trie d to com pe nsate for th is in h e r Painting and H istory and
Th e ory cl
asse s. Th e n sh e w as fe ature d in a Sunday
suppl
e m e ntas a rising ne w fabric and fash ion de signe r. Th is
pol
arise d attitude s tow ards h e r.
Som e tim e s, and be h ind h is back , in orde r to m aintain th e
im age w h ich h ad ove rtak e n h e r, sh e re fe rre d to K e vin as m y
K e vil
. H e w as an obvious obje ctof de sire and al
re ady
re cognise d around th e col
l
e ge as a spe cialtal
e nt. Th ough it
m ade h e r fe e lguil
ty, K are n re l
ish e d be ing se e n w ith h im .
W h e n tw o m agazine s publ
ish e d ph otograph s of th e m atan
e xh ibition l
aunch and a fash ion sh ow h e be gan to sh ow
re l
uctance to be se e n w ith h e r atsuch e ve nts.
W e re ve ry ol
d frie nds, h e s a frie nd of m y fam il
y. W e h ave
k now n h is fam il
y fore ve r. W h ata ch e ap th ing to say, sh e
procl
aim e d to anoth e r stude ntw h o h ad com m e nte d, H e s such
good p r, of th e ph otograph s, th e n sh e h ad storm e d aw ay,
aw are th e com m e nth ad be e n m ade in th e spiritof th e pse udo
sm artconve rsation th e y h ad be e n h aving. H e r h ypocrisy
w orrie d h e r and sh e didntse e m abl
e to re sistit.
K e vin w as going around w ith anoth e r gay stude nt. K are n
didntapprove of h im butaccom panie d th e m to th e gay bars
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 49 |
th e y w e ntto afte r col

l
e ge and som e tim e s on th e w e e k e nd. Sh e
l
onge d to be al
one w ith K e vilbutth e ir sociall
ive s h ad be gun
to contam inate th e m om e nts w h e n th e y w e re . You sh oul
d be
care ful
, youre be com ing too gay, sh e said during one of th e ir
vodk a se ssions. Sh e h ad be e n confe ssing to K e vilw h atsh e
didntl
ik e aboutM artin, K e vil
s ne w boyfrie nd - H e s stride nt,
h e s supe rficial
, h e s notre al
l
y good l
ook ing, h e s pre te ntious,
h e s notgoing anyw h e re , re al
l
y.
K e vilw as too w rappe d in th e ir vodk a intim acy to prote st,
be side s itw as al
lto som e e xte nttrue . I re al
l
y w antto be l
ik e a
com bination of K l
e e and de K ooning, you k now , l
ik e Poof 1,
Poof 2, Poof 3, Poof 4 th e n a ne w se rie s butre l
ate d Gay
M an 1, Gay M an 2, Gay
I ge tit, you donth ave to go on ad infinitum . H ow w il
lth e y be
diffe re nt?
Th e poof se rie s w il
lh ave th e m in Lacoste T-sh irts I w antto
pl
ay w ith th e al
l
igator l
ogo and I w antto ge ta w h iff of
A ram is into I k now , Il
lgl
ue a bottl
e on
Too W h ite l
y. W h e re s th e K l
e e in al
lth is?
I w antto cal
lsom e of th e Poofs th ings l
ik e Th e Tw itte ring
M ach ine and
W h y dontyou do one as th atbaby vam pire th ing h e did?
W h atare th e Gay M e n going to be l
ik e ?
Im notsure ye t, I w antto re ach into th e future . A l

lI can
com e up w ith is straigh tl
ook ing m e n.
M aybe th ats th e point.
K e vilfe l
lsil
e nt. Th e y l
iste ne d to th e w ave s sw ish up th e be ach .
A w ind w h ispe re d th rough th e casuarinas. Th e tide s com ing
in, K are n said. W h atare you going to do th e m in?
Im justsk e tch ing atth e m om e ntIm using th atm ode lw e

h ad in Figure for one m ainl
y acryl
ics, I th ink . I can say
m ore w ith col
our th atw ay. I th ough tI m igh tuse th atfl
uro
pl
astic som e h ow , I w antth e m e dium to spe ak m ore , I th ough tI
ind |
m igh tuse sh ow e r curtains. I re m e m be r th e m from th attim e

w e w e ntl
ook ing atfabrics re m e m be r?Th e y w e re gre at, so
k itsch th e one s w ith th e m e rm aids and th e bubbl
e s?
Th e y l
augh e d.
Th e pink one w as th e be st.
Ye ah , th e gre e n w as too taste ful
, itw as al
m oste au de nil
.
W h y dontyou do a study of cam p?Th e Poof-to-M an th ing is
too sch e m atic. H ave fun! Th ats w h atIm doing w ith th e
fabrics. Som e tim e s I can h ardl
y be l
ie ve pe opl
e tak e th e m
se riousl
y. M aybe th e y dont.
Prom ise m e som e th ing, K e vilsaid abruptl
y.
A nyth ing.
Ne ve r give up your study of nature . Th ats w h e re your be st
de signs com e from . A l
lth atse cond h and stuff you do is crap.
Itpays, K are n said, ge tting up, rath e r w e l
l
. Sh e w as ve ry
h urt.
In th e m orning h e r m oth e r said, Your fath e r h as h ad a job
offe r in A m e rica, I dontth ink w e can stand in h is w ay afte r
al
lth e se ye ars of struggl
ing. Th e y w anth im to w ork on a fil
m
score ove r th e re . H e s trying to arrange for m e to be th e stil
l
s
ph otograph e r on th e se t.
W h atw il
lI do?
K are n ask e d.
Th e sam e as al
w ays, I suppose . W e ne ve r se e you in any case .
Nor D igby. H e can h e l
p you l
ook afte r th e h ouse . W e l
lonl
y be
gone for six m onth s. Youre ol
d e nough .
Six m onth s!
Its for your fath e r, K are n.
W h e n sh e w e ntto pick K e vilup to tak e h im to col
l
e ge , sh e
found h e w as too sick to go. Itm ustbe th e vodk a. W e d be tte r
drink ch am pagne .
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 51|
Itgive s m e a h e adach e unl

e ss its Fre nch , K are n said.
K e vin w as adm itte d to h ospitalagain. Th is tim e th e y k e pth im
in for tw o w e e k s. Pne um onia, som e sortof pne um onia.
xi
Ll
oyd cam e and visite d h im in h ospital
. You crook , m ate ?
H e
h ad be e n sh ock e d by h ow pal
e and frailK e vin l
ook e d and
im m e diate l
y de spise d th e tone and argoth e use d, de ve l
ope d for
h is ne w frie nds.
K e vin nodde d and pul
l
e d h im se l
f up in th e be d. Il
lbe out
soon.
H ow s artcol
l
e ge ?
Ll
oyd said D e ntistry w as pre tty boring so far th e y h adnt
done anyth ing aboutte e th , itw as al
lbiol
ogy and ch e m istry
I suppose youre h aving a pre tty good tim e . I saw you and
K are n in th e pape r, sh e s doing w e l
l
. R e ne e bough ta dre ss
sh e d de signe d.
W h atdo you ge tup to?
Ll
oyd l
ook e d atK e vin for a l
e ad to h is tone . Noth ing m uch , I
h ave to w ork pre tty h ard. Ive gotto ge tth rough Ch e m istry
th e n I can forge tit. I w as ne ve r m uch good atit. H ow about
you?You se e m to be ge tting about, itm ustbe pre tty e asy for
you.
Th e th e orys not. A nd I am l
e arning ne w th ings, w e re doing
w el
ding, its good.
You go outa l
ot?
Notal
lth atm uch . Im stil
lh e l
ping M um and D ad and Im
doing som e printing for K are n and h e l
ping w ith th e de l
ive rie s.
W e go to th e pub on Fridays, som e tim e s afte r col
l
e ge
som e tim e s during it.
ind |
Ll
oyd gul
pe d atth e opportunity, th e n ask e d, Can I com e too?
Th e guys outth e re th e y al
lge tpisse d and its notm y styl
e.
You taugh tm e be tte r. H e bl
ush e d atK e vins grin. I dont
Notl
ik e th at. I I h e ard th e se guys tal
k ing aboutsom e gay
dise ase .
K e vin nodde d. You h ave to be care ful
, som e are ge tting
antibiotic re sistant.
Th e pape rs said you coul
d ge titfrom m osq uitoe s. R e ne e
m ak e s M um k e e p al
lth e w indow s sh utand sprays h e r room
sh e s m ad butsh e s justputting iton. Sh e trie d to spray th e
l
iving room and D ad w e ntfe ralath e r.
M r R osh ane vappe are d. H e gl
ance d atLl
oyd, ignore d h im and
w e ntove r and k isse d h is son. Ll
oyd fe l
ta pang. Th e n K iril
insiste d h is fath e r re cognise h is frie nd. M r R osh ane vgrunte d
atLl
oyd.
Il
lcom e and se e you. Good-bye , M r R osh ane v.
H e did. K e vin w as sk e tch ing. H e e xpl
aine d h is Poof/Gay M an
proje ctto Ll
oyd. Th e n h e ask e d Ll
oyd to m ode lfor h im . Ll
oyd
w as h e sitantbutfil
l
e d w ith l
onging Youre sure you w ont
sh ow anyone ?Its justto practise ?
K e vin pose d h im , e xpe rtl

y and confide ntl
y running h is h ands
dow n Ll
oyds l
e gs, m ove d h is fe e t. Th e n took h is h ips in h is
h ands and sw ive l
l
e d th e m to th e angl
e h e w ante d, ste ppe d back
and studie d th e figure , h is e ye s sw e e ping Ll
oyds e re ction in
th e sam e se e m ingl
y obje ctive surve y th ate xam ine d th e re stof
h im . Th e n h e took in th e totale ffe ctand h e be gan to sk e tch .
H e sk e tch e d furiousl
y. GotLl
oyd to ch ange pose . Ll
oyd
w atch e d w ith conce rn as K e vin took in h is face and th e ch al
k
fl
e w ove r th e pape r th e n K e vin snatch e d up a pe nciland
h atch e d and sl
ash e d w ith it. K e vins pal
m rubbe d, h is finge rs
bl
urre d som e th ing on th e surface of th e pape r. Ll
oyd l
onge d to
se e th e m ark s butK e vin k e ptputting th e sh e e ts aside be fore h e
coul
d se e th e m , re pose d h im , be gan to sk e tch again.
Th e y w e re both e xh auste d. Th re e h ours h ad passe d.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 53|
K e vin m ove d ove r to w h e re h e h ad arrange d Ll

oyd on h is be d,
m ove d h is h ands in confide ntposse ssion dow n Ll
oyds body.
Ll
oyds dick w as instantl
y al
e rte d to th e inte ntion in K e vins
touch . K e vin care sse d it, th e n l
e antand took itin h is m outh .
Ll
oyd trie d to e ngage K e vin e q ual
l
y buth e w as push e d back .
K e vin w ork e d th e pol
e of Ll
oyds dick , sl
ippe ry w ith h is sal
iva,
w ith h is h and, obse rve d h im as h e surre nde re d e ve r m ore th e n
No. No and Ll
oyd bl
ew .
W h e n h e trie d to re ciprocate , K e vin h ande d h im som e tissue s.
A s th e y gotth e R osh ane vs door Ll
oyd turne d and said to
K e vin, W h y did you do th at?
K e vin sh rugge d butth e y both k ne w .
xii
Ll
oyd w as ve ry unh appy doing D e ntistry. H e w as notsure h e
w ante d to and h e h ad notm ade any re alfrie nds. H e w ork e d
h ard in orde r to dispe lh is isol
ation. Th e n h e rang K e vin and
w as invite d to join som e of th e artstude nts in a bar.
H e w e ntone Friday afte rnoon. K are n w as th e re . A nd M artin.
M artin confronte d h im w h e n K e vin w e ntto th e bar. So you
k ne w K e vatsch ool
?
Ye s.
W h atw as h e l
ik e ?
Lik e h e is now , sortof h e s m ore w e ve al

lm ature d since
Ye ar Tw e l
ve , h ave ntw e K are n?
I ce rtainl
y h ave .
H e w asntgay atsch ool
. H e is now . Im h is boyfrie nd. Sh e s h is
fag h ag! M artin w as tal
land pow e rful
l
y buil
tand de spe rate l
y
fe m m e and de spe rate l
y out. No-one l
ik e d h im m uch butth e y
w e re too im pre sse d by h is stre e tsm arts to re je cth im .
ind |
K e vin re turne d w ith th e drink s.

Th ank s. I w as justtal
k ing to your sch ool
m ate h e re , se e m s you
w e re nte xactl
y outatsch oolh m m m ?I w as. Eve ryone k ne w .
No-one gave m e any sh it.
Th ats e asy to im agine , K are n said.
W h atdo you m e an by th at?
You l
ook as th ough you pl
aye d frontrow forw ard.
M artin sh rie k e d and fe l
linto a brooding sil
e nce w h ich h e
brok e by accusing K are n, W h y do you say th at?Frontrow
forw ard?
O h I dontk now M artin, m aybe its be cause you push so h ard.

M artin conside re d th is, l
ook e d K are n up and dow n discove ring
a ne w re spe ct, and snuggl
e d up to K e vin in gl
oating trium ph .
K e vin dise ngage d. Le ts go, h e said to Ll
oyd and K are n. Il
l
se e you tom orrow nigh t, to M artin.
W h e re are you going?I h ave ntfinish e d -
Ive gotto ge ton w ith m y proje ct. K are ns giving m e a l
ift
h om e . Youve gotto w ork on yours too, its due in th re e w e e k s.
Th e y l
e ftM artin de fiantl
y scanning th e bar.
H e l
lbe al
righ t, th e re are pl
e nty of pe opl
e from col
l
e ge th e re ,
K e vin said as th e y w al
k e d tow ards K are ns car.
O n th e w ay h om e K e vin ask e d K are n to stop;h e vom ite d. Noone said anyth ing for th e re stof th e journe y.
K are n rang Ll
oyd th atnigh t. W h ats w rong w ith h im , do you
k now ?
Ll
oyd coul
d notvoice h is suspicions so h e said m aybe itw as
justth e w ate re d-dow n vodk a th e y se rve d, you k now
A s th e ye ar progre sse d K e vin l
ostw e igh t, th e n putiton again.
H e tol
d h ow h is pare nts h ad inte rrogate d h im aboutdrugs. M r
R osh ane vturne d up atth e col
l
e ge one day and cre ate d a stir by
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 55|
se e k ing outh is son in orde r to se e w h ath e w as up to.

K e vins re ve nge on Ll
oyd h ad al
l
ow e d th e m to draw cl
ose
again. A fte r it, Ll
oyd h ad ponde re d w h y K e vin m igh tbe so
angry w ith h im th ath e abuse d h im l
ik e th atand K e vin h ad fe l
t
guil
ty and h ungry for th e intim acy w ith Ll
oyd th ath e h ad
re je cte d. W ith K are n, th e y be gan to go outas a trio fil
m s,
partie s, dinne rs, ope nings A re you a m nage trois?
som e one ask e d.

W e l
l
, w e dontl
ive toge th e r, if th ats w h atyou m e an?
K are n
w as h e ard re pl
ying and itw as re porte d in a gossip col
um n.
Ll
oyd h ad to e ndure R e ne e bringing itup in trium ph atth e
dinne r tabl
e and h is pare nts q ue stioning and disapproval
.A t
uni som e of h is m ate s de m ande d to k now w h atw as going on
th e re . H e h ad l
e arne d to w ink and grin buth e coul
d se e th e
sce pticism in som e of th e gaze s. A gain h e re tre ate d from publ
ic
association w ith K e vin and K are n. H e trie d to garne r tim e
al
one w ith K e vin butK e vin w as re sistant.
Fortunate l
y K are n w as giving al
m ostw e e k l
y dinne r partie s at
h e r pare nts h ouse to w h ich h e w as al
w ays invite d. R osie and
h e r ne w boyfrie nd from th e Conse rvatorium w e re stapl
e s.
D igby and M e lH opk ins w e re tol
e rate d be cause th e y h ad to be .
K are n gotm ore am bitious and be gan to ask busine ss contacts.
Th e de m ands of h e r w ork now outstrippe d h e r inte re stin
col
l
e ge ;th e l
e cture rs indul
ge d h e r in th e face of h e r burge oning
succe ss.
H e r pare nts too w e re doing w e l
lin H ol
l
yw ood.
A tth e e nd of th e ye ar K e vin cam e top in th re e subje cts.
Natal
ia w as convincing K are n to go to India w ith h e r to
organise th e m anufacture of som e of h e r fabrics th e re . Ll
oyd
passe d w e l
l
. R osie w as off to Europe again, oste nsibl
y to
e xpl
ore th e possibil
ity of studying viol
in in Ital
y. D igby
announce d h e w as transfe rring to UCLA in orde r to furth e r
h is com pute r studie s (and, itw as agre e d am ongsth is siste rs
frie nds, to fre e h im se l
f of M e l
);h e w oul
d stay w ith h is pare nts
whol
ive d w ith in driving distance of th e cam pus. H e th re w
ind |
h im se l
f a tw e nty-firstduring w h ich h e gotoff w ith anoth e r girl
prom pting se nsationalh yste rics from M e l
. M artin, h aving gota
gl
im pse of a far m ore privil
e ge d l
ife styl
e , w as around a l
ot. A s
K are n said, H is aw ful
ne ss is fascinating. Ll
oyd found h im se l
f
h ypnotise d and im m obil
ise d - by ittoo th ough th e re w e re
occasions w h e n h e e xpe rie nce d rage s of je al
ousy.
K are n w e ntto India w ith Natal
ia and, to h e r
ch ape rone /com panions angry/e nvious conce rn, h ad an affair
w ith an Indian cl
oth de al
e r. H e re al
l
y w as a dish , Natal
ia
confe sse d to h e r assistant.
K e vin be gan to l
ose w e igh t. Th e doctors coul
dntfind anyth ing
w rong. Som e one re com m e nde d anoth e r one and Ll
oyd m ade
th e appointm e ntand took h im . Th is one diagnose d psittacosis,
to e ve ryone s re l
ie f. Th e n K e vin col
l
apse d and w as h ospital
ise d
again. M artin coul
dntstand h ospital
s and in any case w as
inte nsifying h is e ngage m e ntw ith a l
aw ye r h e h ad m e tatone
of K are ns dinne rs.
Th e R osh ane vs w e re frantic. M r R osh ane vw ante d to tak e
K irilto Le ningrad for tre atm e nt. H e w as convince d A ustral
ian
doctors w e re incom pe te nt. K e vin k e ptre fusing, saying itw as
psittacosis, h e w as ge tting be tte r.
A nd inde e d h e w as. W h e n K are n gotback h e w as outand
about, a bitsh ak y th ough and h is h air h ad th inne d. Itse e m e d
as if h ad sudde nl
y be gun to age . Sh e w as sh ock e d, th e n
distre sse d.
W h ats w rong w ith h im ?
sh e ask e d Ll
oyd. W h ats th is
psittacosis th ing?
You ge titfrom birds, Ll

oyd re pl
ie d and l
augh e d w il
dl
y.
K e vin gotth inne r and th inne r. H is pare nts w e re al
arm e d. H e
w ante d to m ove outof h om e .
W h e n D igby l
e ftfor Cal
ifornia, th e Bark e rs insiste d K are n not
l
ive in th e fam il
y h om e al
one . Th e y w e re going to re ntitfor
six m onth s. M rs Bark e r fl
e w back to m ak e th e arrange m e nts.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 57|
K are n found a w are h ouse in tow n, notfar from th e col

l
e ge . It
h ad l
iving q uarte rs and space for tw o l
ong printtabl
e s. Sh e h ad
ove rh e ad rack s putin for drying th e fabrics, rack s m ade for
storing h e r scre e ns. Sh e bough tw ash ing m ach ine s for m ixing
th e dye s and cl
e aning th e fabrics, h ad a corne r conve rte d into a
h uge dark room for ph otograph ic scre e ning. Th e inve stm e nt
costh e r m ore th an sh e h ad save d. W h e n h e r m oth e r inspe cte d
th e pre m ise s sh e said, O h good, w h e n I com e back , I can use
your dark room its e norm ous! H ow on e arth are you going to
h e atth is pl
ace in w inte r?
Th e printing tabl
e is h e ate d. I h ave to h ave th e fans going al
l
th e tim e w h e n Im w ork ing, K are n re pl
ie d and h ad th e
satisfaction of se e ing h e r m oth e rs sce pticall
ook transform
into be ing im pre sse d.
K e vin cam e in. Th e w as th e firsttim e M rs Bark e r h ad
e ncounte re d h im since sh e h ad re turne d. Now K are n obse rve d
as h e r m oth e r m aste re d h e r appal
l
e d e xpre ssion. Sh e did th is
by rush ing up to K e vin and e m bracing h im . A s M rs Bark e r
w as nota ph ysical
l
y de m onstrative pe rson, th is w as al
arm ing
butsh e cove re d itby e xcl
aim ing aboutth e psittacosis and h ow
K e vin m uste atm ore now . W h e n sh e w as w ith K are n al
one
back in th e fam il
y h om e , sh e said, K are n, you m igh tnoth ave
h e ard of ith e re butin Cal
ifornia th e yre al
ltal
k ing aboutth is
ne w dise ase th atdrug addicts are ge tting from dirty ne e dl
es
and h om ose xualm e n I h ope youre be ing ve ry care ful
, its a
ve ry te rribl
e dise ase appare ntl
y itcan be fatal
.
Im nota drug addictand Im nota h om ose xualm an. So w h y
are you te l
l
ing m e th is?
I justw antth e be stfor you de ar and I fe e lguil

ty pursuing
m y ow n care e r w h il
e youre struggl
ing h e re to ge ta busine ss
off th e ground.
M um , Ive gotfrie nds. Im e m pl
oying som e from col
l
e ge to
h el
p m e .
Ye s butl
iving in th atare a You k now young pe opl
e can do
ind |
such sil
l
y th ings, th e yre so e asil
yl
e d astray. I am ve ry re l
ie ve d
your broth e r is w h e re w e can k e e p an e ye on h im .
A nd aw ay from M e l
.
I didntsay th at. Th e y w e re both too young. Th ats w h atI
m e an, you young pe opl
e th ink you k now e ve ryth ing. M rs
Bark e r took a sh arp bre ath th e n burstinto te ars.
Il
lbe al
righ t, pl
e ase stop, h e r daugh te r said, putting an arm
around h e r, I didntm e an it.
Its notyou, its K e vin.
K e vilsaid th e y sh oul
d h ave one m ore vodk a trystbe fore K are n
m ove d and th e tarte d up (M rs Bark e rs w ords) pl
ace w as l
e t.
H e coul
d h ardl
y drink butth e y l
ay in th e arm s of th e w arm
sum m e r nigh t, l
iste ning to th e se a, th e h ush of th e nigh t. Eve ry
now and again th e y sh are d th e Bronsk i Be atand Jim m y
Som e rvil
l
e th rough th e W al
k m an e arpie ce .
Youre doing so w e l
l
, K e vilsaid.
So are you. M r Z de now icz said youd probabl
y ge ta sh ow
w ith your proje ct.
I w antto do som e th ing diffe re nt.
W h at?O f course , one al
w ays doe s. Butw h at?Notanoth e r
pol
iticalth ing, I h ope ?W h y dontyou do portraits?Youre so
good atth e m and you al
w ays said you coul
d h ave m ade R osie s
into som e th ing if ith adntbe e n a com m ission. I k now , w h y
dontyou do
W h at?
K are n h ad be e n going to say, a se rie s of se l

f-portraits, but
sh e w as give n pause by h ow l
e sse ne d K e vil
s l
ook s w e re .
W h at?
O h , I w as th ink ing you coul

d do som e de signs and I coul
d
printth e m , w oul
dntth atbe gre at?Lik e Picasso and th e pots.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 59 |
Is th atitre al
l
y?
Ye s.
I sk e tch e d Ll
oyd once , figure studie s. I m ade h im m ode l
,he
didntw antto. Th e n I m ade h im bl
ow . I w as so pisse d off w ith
h im .
W h y?
I th ough th e w as re je cting m e , I th ough th e w as

W h at?
I w as l
ook ing atth e sk e tch e s th e oth e r day. I w as so pisse d off
w ith h im I h ardl
y k ne w w h atI w as doing butyou k now w h at?
W h at?
Th e yre re al
l
y good.
Th e re you are th e n, you sh oul
d H e s such a cl
ose tq ue e n.
H e s note xactl
y m aybe h e is. I can unde rstand it.
Som e tim e s. I didntse e h im , I w as so angry, I justw ante d to
draw l
ine s sl
ash h im out. I h ad to use ch al
k or I w oul
d h ave
I coul
dnth ave W h e n I cal
m e d dow n a bitI use d pe ncil
and th e n ch iaroscuroe d in crayon - you k now th ose oilstick s I
w as into?Itw asnth im butits incre dibl
y h im .
M aybe you sh oul
d give h im one . Id l
ik e one .
I sh oul
d burn th e m . I cantth ough , th e yre th e be stth ing Ive
e ve r done .
A nd you l
ove Ll
oyd, K are n said.
ind |
xiii
K are n gota boyfrie nd, one of th e young m e n sh e e m pl
oye d to
h el
p h e r w ith th e h e avy w ork of printing. Sh e h ad so m uch
w ork sh e h ad to sk ip col
l
e ge fre q ue ntl
y. Th e n sh e de cide d to
de fe r. Th e young m an, Sim on, m ove d into h e r w are h ouse w ith
h e r. H e too de fe rre d and se th im se l
f to m ak ing sure th e cl
oth
production w e ntsm ooth l
y. K are n w as fie ndish aboutth e
q ual
ity and th e re w e re confl
icts ove r q ual
ity and q uantity
w h ich w e re stim ul
ating.
H e r fath e r rang h e r and l
e cture d h e r on giving up col
l
e ge , I
k now its diffe re ntth e se days butin m y e xpe rie nce its ve ry
h ard to go back once youve l
e ft. Its m uch e asie r to ge tyour
dipl
om a, th e n do w h atyou w ant. You can m ak e m one y any
tim e .
ButK are n w as now too invol
ve d in th e busine ss. Sh e h ad a
l
oan to re pay and th e struggl
e e ngrosse d h e r. Sh e h ad h e ard th e
ow ne r of th e buil
ding w ante d to se l
land sh e and Sim on h ad
discusse d buying th e w are h ouse . Th e y took on m ore w ork .
Natal
ia brough ta group of busine ssm e n around. Th e y w ante d
to l
abe l
h e r butsh e w oul
d h ave to de sign m ore cl
oth e s.
Natal
ia w as pe rsuading h e r to agre e and buy th e de signs from
fash ion stude nts, h ave th e patte rns drafte d.
K e vin h ad to be h ospital
ise d again. Th is tim e a young doctor
w as adam antw ith Ll
oyd w h e n h e w e ntto visit, You k now
w h ats w rong w ith h im , dontyou?
Ye s.
Good. H e se e m s to be in som e sortof de nial
.
Is h e ?
Ye s. A nd h is pare nts. Som e one ne e ds to be re al

istic, youre h is
frie nd h is be stfrie nd.
W h ats w rong w ith h im ?
W h atdo you th ink is w rong w ith h im ?
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 61|
Ll
oyd h e sitate d th e n said, I th ink h e s gotA ids.
Th e young doctor nodde d and strode aw ay fie rce l
y.
D octor!
Th e young doctor sw ung round.
W h atdoe s itm e an h ow W h atw il
lh appe n?
Th e young doctor took Ll

oyd into a consul
tation room and tol
d
h im th atth e re w oul
d be m ore and m ore opportunistic
infe ctions and one w oul
d carry K e vin off. Th e y w e re doing
e ve ryth ing th e y coul
d butal
lth e y coul
d do w as figh te ach
infe ction as ith appe ne d and e ach tim e K e vin h ad l
e ss ch ance
of be ating itoff. H is T ce l
lcountw as practical
l
y non-e xiste nt.
So its notpsittacosis?
I th ink you k ne w itw asnt.

Ll
oyd nodde d. H e h ad no ide a w h atto do or say or to w h om h e
w oul
d say it.
Try to pre pare th e pare nts. Th e re s noth ing w e can do, w e re
l
e arning m ore e ve ry day aboutth is th ing butatth e m om e nt
Ll
oyd w e ntaround to K are ns w are h ouse butsh e w asntin.
H e k ne w one th ing h e coul
d ne ve r te l
lth e R osh ane vs, th e
doctors w oul
d h ave to m anage th at.
A gain K e vin gotbe tte r, w e ntback to col
l
e ge . Buth e se e m e d to
be w ith draw ing. H e did a be autifulsk e tch of a cl
uste r of pl
ants
grow ing around l
ich e ne d rock s in th e Bark e rs now re nte d out
w il
de rne ss, al
lsage and straw col
ours, sil
ve rs and gre ys subtl
e, el
usive butcl
e ar and gave itto K are n w h o im m e diate l
y
h ad itfram e d in Scandinavian pine .
H e ask e d Ll
oyd to go aw ay w ith h im ove r Easte r. Th e y w e re to
h ire a l
aunch and cruise around th e H aw k e sbury. Th is be cam e
a m uch anticipate d e xcursion. K are n and Sim on w e re to join
th e m for one day and th e R osh ane vs for anoth e r. Th e rational
e
w as th atK e vin w as going to sk e tch for h is l
andscape cl
ass and
Ll
oyd w as going to study m ol
ars, atl
ast.
ind |
Th e gl
e am ing w h ite l
aunch w ith its varnish e d w ood fittings
re ste d on th e w ate r, an im age of som e idyl
l
ic pastutte rl
y
be yond th e re ach of th e pre se nt. Itw as astonish ing to se tfoot
on th e pl
ank s of its de ck . Th e y w e re give n an h ours tuition in
h andl
ing h e r and a pol
e to push th e m off sandbank s if th e y ran
aground. Th e y w e re sh ow n w h e re th e y sh oul
d go and tol
d
w h atto avoid. Th e n th e y w e re on th e ir w ay.
K e vin w as atth e h e l
m . A fte r an h our h e found a q uie tcove
and th e y anch ore d. H e w ante d to sk e tch th e h il
l
s dipping into
th e w ate rs butne e de d to re st. By th e tim e h e w ok e th e sun w as
sink ing and h e w as onl
y abl
e to dash som e w ate r col
ours
across pape r to re cord th e e ffe ctof th e dying l
igh ton th e gum tre e d h il
land its re fl
e ction dark e ning in th e pe rfe ctstil
l
ne ss of
th e e stuarine bay. Ll
oyd drank a be e r w h il
e th e nigh tinvade d
and softgol
de n l
igh ts sprang up in a fe w m yste rious pl
ace s on
th e surrounding h il
l
s. A fish e d jum pe d and th e spl
ash w as l
ik e
a Pre l
ude th e rive r god h ad com pose d for th e gre atne arl
y
sil
e ntconce rtof th e nigh t.
Th ough th e bunk w as sm al
lth e y sl
e ptin pe rfe ctpe ace toge th e r.
K e vin did notw antto l
e ave th e ir bay th e ne xtday. H e spe nt
itsk e tch ing, dabbing w ate r col
ours to capture th e e ffe cts of th e
l
igh ton th e w ate r, th e rock s, th e bush . Ll
oyd appl
ie d h im se l
f to
a te xtbook and w h e n h e coul
d stand itno m ore , w e nton de ck
and jum pe d ove rboard, re turning al
m ostim m e diate l
y, h is
w h ite sk in gl
itte ring w ith th e running rive r w ate r. K e vin
obse rve d h im , rippe d a page aw ay from h is sk e tch pad, orde re d
Ll
oyd to stay w h e re h e w as and dre w . Th e ch arcoal
, th e
pe ncil
s fl
ow e d ove r th e pape r in gre atcurve s and bil
l
ow e d in
sh adow s and struck in e l
e ctric l
ine s.
K e vin took a bl
ank e tacross to Ll
oyd w h e n h e saw h im sh ive r,
th re w itaround h is sh oul
de rs and sl
ippe d h is trunk s dow n.
Ll
oyd l
ook e d around atth e gl
oom ing gre e n h il
l
s. Th e n
surre nde re d. K e vin pose d h im againstth e de ck rail
,l
ook ing
tow ards th e bow , l
aid th e bl
ank e tatLl
oyds fe e tand be gan
again. Th e sun struck Ll
oyd and w arm e d h im , l
itfire s in h is
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 63|
auburn h air.
Late r in th e afte rnoon, th e y raise d th e anch or and m ove d on,
m ore for th e sak e of re taining th e ir se nse of pe rfe ction th an for
th e ne e d of fre sh vistas.
Th e y m ade l
ove and Ll
oyd for th e firsttim e fe l
tal
l
ow e d
h im se l
f to fe e lde sire d and ch e rish e d. K e vins passion h ad
e m anate d from h is ch e stand h is w arm th h ad re ach e d righ t
dow n de e p into Ll
oyds be ing, fl
ow e d th e re , th rough outh im .
Ll
oyd m ove d al
ong th e de ck in be auty, coil
e d th e h aw se r in
be auty, stood be side K e vin atth e h e l
m in be auty.
Th e y m ade a fire on sh ore th atnigh tand gril
l
e d ch ops. Th e
autum n w as bl
ow ing in so Ll
oyd row e d outto th e l
aunch and
brough tbl
ank e ts. K e vin re je cte d h is, dre w Ll
oyds abouth is
ow n sh oul
de r, took h is h and.
Th e y de cide d to spe nd th e nigh ton l
and, cl
e are d a space and
fil
l
e d itw ith casuarina ne e dl
e s, l
aid a tarpaul
in ove r th e m and
snuggl
e d unde r th e bl
ank e ts, re ste d th e ir h e ads on pil
l
ow s
brough tfrom th e l
aunch . A ne arl
y ful
lm oon rose and l
itth e
w ate r so th atitspark l
e d as itturne d againstth e rock s ne arby.
I coul
d ne ve r capture th at, K e vin said.
You donth ave to capture e ve ryth ing.
I th ink you h ave to try try to capture th e be auty, to se e w h at
is th e re and acce ptit. Its h ard to e xpl
ain.
To a w oul
d-be de ntist.
O h give m e a bre ak Butyou h ave to be brave and strong to
se e and to acce ptw h atis th e re and to re al
l
yl
ook h ow itfits
toge th e r. M aybe its th e sam e w ith te e th .
A nd gum s. I dontth ink so.
I th ink itis. I h ope you w il
lse e . Com e to se e . I w oul
dl
ik e to
draw a m outh ope n inside a m outh w ith its te e th dripping
sal
iva and th e gum s m age nta and pink and purpl
e and th e
tongue .
ind |
Ge tting in th e w ay som e tim e s. O f a de ntist.

Th e y did notsl
e e p as w e l
l
. K e vin h ad to go off into th e bush ,
h ad stom ach cram ps, w ish e d h e h adnte ate n th e ch ops. Ll
oyd
w ante d to go w ith h im buth e w oul
dntl
e th im .
W h e n th e sun final
l
y gave h ints of appe aring, th e y pack e d up
th e ir sh ore cam p and w e ntback on th e l
aunch . K e vin th e n
sl
e ptand Ll
oyd joine d h im , final
l
y al
so fal
l
ing into a sl
um be r.
W h e n h e aw ok e itw as te n. Th e y w e re suppose d to pick K are n
and Sim on up back atth e w h arf atte n. H e h ad troubl
e w ak ing
K e vin, ge tting h im to k now w h e re th e y w e re . Th e n K e vin
starte d to sw e atcopiousl
y.
Ll
oyd rush e d to raise th e anch or, ge tth e l
aunch starte d and
h e ade d back to th e w h arf.
Th e h our l
ong voyage turne d into an une nding nigh tm are .
K e vin be gan to scre am w ith pain, to cl
utch ath is h e ad, th e n
h is stom ach . H is bow e l
s be gan to stre am , th ick stink ing pitch .
Ll
oyd k e ptstopping th e boatrush ing to K e vin, trying to do
som e th ing for h im , be cam e frigh te ne d th e l
aunch w oul
d run
aground. Th e re w as a radio. H e cal
l
e d for h e l
p.
Final
l
y th e w e l
lpopul
ate d bay appe are d. Th e re w as th e w h arf.
A s h e gotcl
ose r h e coul
d se e K are n and Sim on. Th e l
aunch
m anage r cam e outof h is h utto w atch as th e l
aunch ch arge d
tow ards th e w h arf. H e h ad ask e d Ll
oyd ove r th e radio if th e y
h ad e ate n tinne d be e troot. No! No! M y frie nd is re al
l
y sick .
Food poisoning, th e y al
lge tit, th e m anage r h ad said. Cal
lan
am bul
ance , h e s re al
l
y sick .
H e saw as K are ns and Sim ons face s turne d from bore d, angry
im patie nce to astonish m e ntand w orry.
D id you cal
lan am bul
ance ?
Ll
oyd scre am e d atth e m anage r
afte r h e d caugh tth e rope Ll
oyd h ad h url
e d.
Ste ady on m ate , l
e ts h ave a l
ook ath im first. Th e m anage r
sw ung on board. Le ave h im th e re . You can cl
e an h im up w h il
e
I cal
lth e am bul
ance , w e re h is ne xtw ords.
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 65|
K are n and Sim on scram bl

e d on. Sim on back e d aw ay.
H e l
p m e ge th is pants off, Ll
oyd orde re d.
K are n th re w th e m ove rboard. Sh e orde re d Sim on to ge tw ate r.
Ll
oyd cl
e ane d w h il
e K are n trie d to assuage K e vil
s constant
m e w ing for w ate r. Eve ry now and again h e w oul
d groan, th e n
startto scre am .
K are n orde re d Sim on to ge tth e boys th ings and putth e m in
th e car, se e if h e coul
d find a sh op w ith l
e m onade .
Th e am bul
ance took th re e h ours to ge tth e re . A l
ittl
e , use l
e ss
crow d gath e re d m ak ing sugge stions aboutoyste rs and crabs
w h ich h ad notbe e n prope rl
y cook e d.
K e vin be gan to sh ak e w ith col
d. H is bow e l
s stre am e d again.
Th is tim e th e bl
ood w as m ore appare nt.
Ge th e l
p! Ge tth atam bul
ance ! K are n scre am e d atth e
m anage r.
A l
righ tyoung l
ady, you donth ave to ye l
l
.
Th e sl
ow cynicalprofe ssional
ism of th e am bul
ance m e n
e vaporate d as soon as th e y saw th e ir ch arge .
Th e y gotK e vin l
oade d th e n one of th e m turne d, W h ich one is
com ing?
W e both are , Ll
oyd answ e re d. Sim on can drive th e car.
O nl
y one of yous can com e , th ats th e rul
e . W h ich one w il
lit
be ?
Th e sm al
lcrow d w aite d, bre ath s baite d, th ril
l
e d th e ir patie nce
h ad be e n re w arde d w ith a gl
im pse of th e trul
y sick m an and
now th is confl
ict.
You go, K are n said, Il
lse e you atth e h ospital
.
Th e am bul
ance l
urch e d and K e vin prote ste d fe e bl
y th rough h is
w e ak ne ss and th e pe rvading drug.
Ne e ds re h ydrating Ll
oyd h e ard. H e h ad de nie d k now ing
ind |
anyth ing w as w rong w ith K e vin any e xisting conditions

w h e n th e se cl
ow ns h ad starte d to inte rrogate h im be fore th e
crow d. Now h e w onde re d if h e sh oul
d te l
lth e m . W h atcoul
d
th e y do?Th e y al
re ady h ad K e vin h ook e d up to a drip. H e w as
aboutto l
e an forw ard and spe ak to th e m w h e n K e vin stirre d.
H e w as l
ook ing ath im . H e sm il
e d, h is w onde rfulw h ite sm il
e
dazzl
e d in th e gl
oom . H e pointe d to th e l
ittl
e bl
ue and re d
l
igh ts be am ing and bl
ink ing on th e am bul
ance m ach ine ry.
Pre tty, h e said and re ach e d outto tak e Ll
oyds h and. H is cl
asp
w as w onde rful
l
y w arm . Th e n h e sigh e d and die d.
xiv
Prick w il
lnotgive m e portraitof R osie , I offe r h im fortune .
M r R osh ane vw as q uite drunk . W h atportraitw e h ave ?No
portrait, justpiss w e ak ph otos for coffin. Som e th ing to puton
coffin. H e turne d to K are n, You m ustch oose good w ork
be stK irilto puton coffin.
Butyou m ustntbury it! H is w ork w as w onde rful
, M rs
Bark e r e xcl
aim e d.
Notbury! For coffin for fune ral
! Som e th ing be autiful
. Th e n
M r R osh ane vbe gan to cry ve ry l
oudl
y.
No-one coul
d m ove in th e ir de spair.
Late r, in th e ir h ote lroom , M rs Bark e r said, I k now ! Th e y
m uststil
lbe w ith m y ne gative s. A nd sh e rush e d to ge tre ady
to go out.
Sh e de ve l
ope d th e m in K are ns dark room .
M oth e r and daugh te r e xam ine d th e m as th e y drie d. A fte r a
w h il
e M rs Bark e r said, Th e yre notbad.
H e r daugh te r coul
d notre spond.
Th e Vach e ttis agre e d to l
e nd th e Portraitof R osie for th e
| Ian M acNe il
ind | 67|
w ak e . M rs Bark e rs w onde rfulph otograph s of K e vin, fram e d

in th e sam e Scandinavian pine th atK are n h ad ch ose n for
K e vil
s pl
antstudy stood on th e al
tar ste ps and on th e coffin.
Th e re w as th e young K e vin, juste m e rging as a m an, in th e
Bark e rs studio room l
ook ing outatth e m and atth e print
tabl
e , sh irta l
ittl
e undone gazing into th e ir e ye s and cl
ose -up,
h is w onde rful
, innoce nt, se arch ing, am use d aw are ne ss
confronting th e m .
Th e R osh ane vs h ad be e n stunne d w h e n M rs Bark e r h ad
pre se nte d th e m . Th e n e ach h ad cl
utch e d one . Fe l
ia R osh ane v
h ad sw aye d and sw aye d cl
utch ing h e rs to h e r bre ast,
m urm uring and sobbing in R ussian.
Th e y w e re both q uite drunk atth e w ak e . Itw as h e l
d in an
anne x room of th e R ussian cl
ub K e vilh ad tak e n K are n to for
l
unch . K are n h ad be e n e ntruste d to go th rough K iril
s th ings
and m ounte d a val
e dictory e xh ibition in it. Sh e h ad purl
oine d
th e figure studie s of Ll
oyd and tol
d th e R osh ane vs th e y sh oul
d
give h im th e l
astsk e tch e s K irilh ad done on th e l
aunch , w h ich
th e y did afte r gl
ancing atth e m .
In th e crush , Natal
ia tol
d K are n th atFe l
ia w as te l
l
ing th e
R ussian com m unity th atK irilh ad die d of a bite from an
A ustral
ian parrot. Sh e transl
ate d Fe l
ias w arbl
ings K are n
w as K iril
s fiance , h is firstand onl
y true l
ove . M r Bark e r
prote cte d h is daugh te r as m uch as h e coul
d from th e de m ands
Fe l
ia atte m pte d to pl
ace on h e r, w anting h e r to m e e tth is one
and th at, displ
ay h e r de votion and grie f. D igby stood for a
w h il
e by Ll
oyd and th e n Ll
oyd l
e ft.
* * *
K are n h ad m ore th an one opportunity to m arry w e l
lbuth e r
w ork se e m e d al
w ays to w in out.
Sh e h ad acce pte d th e busine ssm e ns offe r and be cam e a l
abe l
.
Sh e did e xtre m e l
y w el
l
, riding outth e crash of th e l
ate e igh tie s
ind |
on a w ave of prope rty inve stm e nts. Sh e be gan im porting

fabrics from India as w e l
las h aving h e r de signs m anufacture d
th e re . O ne day, in Bom bay A irport, sh e cam e across Ll
oyd
accom panie d by a m an w h o h ad som e th ing of h e r K e vilabout
h im . Sh e w as disturbe d and pre te nde d to be cove rtl
y am use d.
Ll
oyd h ad done M e dicine afte r com pl
e ting D e ntistry. H e
spe cial
ise d in th e tre atm e ntof A ids. H e h ad be e n in India
contributing w h ath e coul
d. Th e m an accom panying h im w as
an ad m an now inte nton good w ork s. Ll
oyd m e tK are ns
am use d gl
ance of inq uiry w ith a l
ook th atsaid, No. Notfor m e
h e s straigh t.
W h e n K are n w as back in Sydne y sh e gotoutth e sk e tch e s of
Ll
oyd sh e h ad tak e n from K e vil
s w ork . H e h ad be e n righ t,
th e y w e re th e be stth ings h e h ad done . R e l
uctantl
y, sh e
pack age d th e m and h ad th e m se ntto Ll
oyd.
H e ph one d h e r and ask e d h e r to dinne r. Th e al
truistic
adve rtising e xe cutive w as th e re . H is nam e w as Scottand h e
w as ve ry tak e n by K are n.
Ll
oyd h ad m any l
ove rs.
H e did notk now w h atto do w ith K e vins sk e tch e s, so h id
th e m and did notl
ook atth e m again untilh e w as al
m ostol
d.
K are n did m arry Scott;th e y h ad care e rs in l
ie u of ch il
dre n. A s
h e r fath e r h ad w arne d, sh e cam e to re gre tnotfinish ing h e r
dipl
om a. Sh e w e ntback to col
l
e ge atone pointand trie d to do a
portraitof K e vilbutfail
e d. Sh e did re pl
e nish h e r de sign w ork
w h e n sh e re m e m be re d K e vil
s advice and re turne d to nature
for h e r ide as. W h e n sh e w as al
m ostol
d h e r de signs be gan to be
re spe cte d for th e ir m e ritbutby th e n sh e k ne w too m uch to
care .
for m ore greatA ustral

ian gay w ritin g visit
w w w . g a y - e b o o k s . co m . a u

Shots of The Blind - Gay

Diunggah oleh

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Judul Asli

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Shots of The Blind - Gay

Diunggah oleh

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| Ian M acNe il

R e ne e h ad rush e d from th e room and th e h ouse e ch oe d w ith

Noth ing, K e vin said, w e tal

som e tre e s in isol

Fuck off! No. Th ats w rong.

M r Bark e r conside re d th is.

Th is is synch ronicity - R ussian. I w as in th e bottl

W h atdo you ne e d m e for?

go and se e w h atyour fath e r is up to.

Bottom s up, M r R osh ane vsaid.

de ce ntvodk a buth is m oth e r saw and orde re d th e m into th e

H e did notbuth e dre w and painte d, w e ntto spe cialcl

Noth ing. Eve ryth ing, K e vilre pl

O h . D o you w antto be an artist?

O f course butis ve ry difficul

No. M aybe . I w atch m y uncl

K e vin nodde d and grinne d.

A m acro one , K are n re pl

D ad, can I do Tae K w an D o?

Itis Sne gouroch k a, R ussian.

Sn egouroch k a w ants Tsar to R ussian k ing to k iss h e r but

Ye s. Le sbian. A nd m ove s off to A ustral

Sne gouroch k a arrive to A ustral

K e vilsh rugge d. Is R ussian fairytal

th at. Notm uch room in m y pl

Th e y are good on fabric so dre ss m ak e rs, fash ion de signe rs.

facing th e ir future s w ith som e appre h e nsion. O ve r th e past

K e viltook off h is sh oe s and sock s. Ll

Ye s. H e w as passing our tabl

K e vilputh is arm s around h e r and k isse d h e r butw h e n sh e

Sh e h ope d th e yd justdrive aw ay butth e y w e re w aiting for h e r.

K e vilsh rugge d. I h ave a pl

Th e y m ove d into th e studio room to e xam ine K are ns prints. I

I dontk now . You w onth ave ch il

K e vilputh is fre e arm around h e r and h ugge d K are n.

K are n h ung h e r h e ad, pick e d up h e r spoon and ate som e m ore

You k now K are n, w e cantal

Th e Ch ristm as se ason w as approach ing. Eve ryone puts on

I dontk now . D oe s itm atte r?

In th e ir m ise ry, th e y be gan to se l

I I justth ough tyou didntl

I dontk now You w e re going to h e l

O f course ! W h atm ak e s you say th at?

H e gotup. If youre not, justte l

Your Ne w Ye ar, up atth e Bark e rs. W h atdid you th ink I

Itw as O K . Good. W e h ad a fe w drink s, a sm ok e M ade

A tfirst, for dinne r, w ith M e l

Com e round, m y pare nts are going out. R e ne e l

be cause I w e ntoutw ith M arina.

Itw as a ve ry upse tM rs R osh ane v. K irilw as in h ospital

frie nd turning ove r som e book s in a bin th e broad sh oul

I dontk now w h atIm doing any m ore .

Too taste ful

sh e h ad done base d on R ussian tape strie s in a book th e

afte r ph otograph ing th e m for h e r daugh te rs portfol

H e s w ork ing w ith Tim W ate rh ouse , h is fath e r is paying th e m

th e re - to accom m odate th atfact. H e sudde nl

Ye s. Im sorry I m ade such a foolof m yse l

Sure . A ny tim e . ButIm w ork ing in th e sh op and Im stil

I dontsm ok e or drink w ith pe opl

You justtak e off w ith Tim W ate rh ouse w ith outte l

th e y w e ntto afte r col

Im notsure ye t, I w antto re ach into th e future . A l