A Political Glossary (courtesy of the Onion)

• Delegate--A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a
vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.
• absentee ballot--A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch
and walk to a high school gymnasium.
• Ballot--An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.
• Caucus--The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.
change—Change can be found : a-In the air/wind. b-At hand. c-Inside us all.
• Convention--The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to
nail one of them blond Fox anchors.
• Corruption--The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.
• Debate--A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.
• Democracy--A moderately representative plutocracy.
• Diebold voting machine--A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes
your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.
• election worker--A male or female at least 70 years of age.
• electoral college--A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most
important seven or eight.
• Experience--A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.
• Hope--An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.
• Likability--The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of it
• Lobbyist--A better-paid legislator.
• MoveOn.org--A company offering routine tests of your e-mail's spam filter.
Platform—1 A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss. 2.A raised structure, almost entirely
covered by flags, upon which candidates are placed.
• political consultants--Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don't have enough hair to run for
office themselves.
political philosophy, conservative— great way to meet chicks at Princeton University.
• political philosophy, liberal--An ideology steeped in a proud tradition of ineffectual whining.
• Pollster--A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.
• Rock The Vote--Something that is, apparently, still happening.
• voter apathy--The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office