TRAIN CAR 9

Written by Minhdzuy Khorami

Based on a tweet by @joeybergren

INT. NEW YORK TRAIN CAR - NIGHT JOEY BERGREN SEX ASSISTANT, impatiently taps his foot on the floor, bottle of lube in his hand. He looks at his watch. JOEY BERGREN SEX ASSISTANT Oh no, I was supposed to deliver the lube by 8 PM. CLOSE ON his watch, which reads: 3:15 AM HOMELESS MAN (O.S.) Bossll be mad at you. PULL BACK slightly to reveal a HOMELESS MAN resting his head on Joey Bergren Sex Assistants lap. Joey strokes the mans hair. JOEY BERGREN SEX ASSISTANT Thats for sure. Despite all the lube, Joey Bergren Sex Assistant never makes slip-ups. He looks straight at the CAMERA. JOEY BERGREN SEX ASSISTANT See, because lube is slippery. HOMELESS MAN No, I got it.

HOMELESS MAN Youll think of something. Youre a good guy. A handsome guy. A real handsome guy. Awkward beat. They stare at each other. The Homeless Man starts MASTURBATING. Joey Bergren Sex Assistant continues stroking the Homeless Mans hair as he silently jerks it. HOMELESS MAN (CONTD) You gonna use all that lube? Joey Bergren Sex Assistant notices something across from him. He hands the Homeless Man the bottle of lube, not losing focus. We start to PUSH IN on Joey Bergren Sex Assistants curious face as we hear the SQUISHY SOUND OF LUBE off screen. JOEY BERGREN SEX ASSISTANT I think I have an idea. REVERSE TO REVEAL four 12-year old kids, all by themselves, holding a freshly purchased GOLDFISH in a plastic bag.

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Theyre RANDY, ANDY, MANDY, and SANDY, pretty indistinguishable from each other because really, who can tell the fucking difference between 12-year olds? SANDY Andy, this goldfish is the best thing weve ever bought, EVER! ANDY Oh my god, Sandy, youre so right! What do you think Randy? RANDY I agree even more than you did with Sandy, Andy! Mandy, your name rhymes too. What are you thinking? Mandy does not share in the excitement. MANDY Goldie was happier in the wild. CLOSE ON the goldfish, floating belly up in the water. SANDY Here we go again... MANDY We took her without even asking. ANDY Mandy, the goldfish-RANDY --whose name is definitely not Goldie-ANDY Right, thats ridiculous. Why would goldfish be named Goldie? Thats like naming a bear Beary. Sandy hugs her STUFFED BEAR close. SANDY (whispered) Dont worry, Beary, your secrets safe with me. MANDY (pointing) Sandys bear is named Beary.

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SANDY SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH! (whispered, to Beary) Sorry you had to hear that, Beary. You dont have to listen to her anymore. ANDY Anyway, Pataleena the goldfish was not happy swimming in the sewers. We rescued her. Shes in a better place now. CLOSE ON the dead goldfish. A little bit of poop comes out of it. MANDY (giving up) I guess youre right, Andy. Mandy sits down by herself. She takes one last look at Goldie, the Goldfish. MANDY (CONTD) (to herself) Oh, Goldie. I just wish I could help. Youre the only one that ever understood me. GOLDIE (O.S.) Oh, dear sweet Mandy, youve already done everything I couldve hoped for. PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Goldie is now just a spirit, floating above Mandys head. GOLDIE (CONTD) No ones ever used my real name before. Only one who is pure of mind and heart could ever hope to know such a thing. Thank you... Candy? Zandy? Nandy? Shit. Its a good thing you cant hear me. Goldfish dont have the best memories, but I think you should be happy knowing that I know your name. PASSENGER POV. Goldie is visible, floating above Mandy, trying to speak with her. Joey Bergren Sex Assistant sits across from them, still watching and the Homeless Man continues to whack off.

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REVERSE to reveal that JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT is the voyeur. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT Its all real. I have to help Goldie cross over. AGENT Jenny, baby. You gotta stop thinking about Ghost Whisperer. Its over doll, time to move on! JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT You dont understand, nameless Agent! This... is my true calling. ELIZA DUSHKU (O.S.) Shes right, Agent. I see Goldie too. PULL BACK TO REVEAL ELIZA DUSHKU. ELIZA DUSHKU (CONTD) Dont worry, Jenny. Well do this together. BUFFY SUMMERS (O.S.) Not without me, you wont. PULL BACK TO REVEAL BUFFY SUMMERS. ELIZA DUSHKU Bout time you showed up, B. AGENT Wait, is she Buffy or Sarah Michelle Gellar? BUFFY SUMMERS There is no Sarah Michelle Gellar. INT. HOSPITAL Buffy Summers wakes up in a white hospital room in a white hospital bed, wearing all white. Shes restrained. By white restraints. DOCTOR (O.S.) Doctor, shes awake. A beat. DOCTOR (O.S.) (CONTD) Oh right, Im the only doctor here.

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The WHITE DOCTOR walks into frame, a big white needle in his white hand. WHITE DOCTOR Im sorry I cant let you stay here. Your works not done yet. He sticks the needle into her arm, then taps a small circle on his chest twice. DOCTOR Reboot! INT. NEW YORK TRAIN CAR - NIGHT Agent, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Eliza Dushku and the spirit of Goldie are crowded around a collapsed Buffy Summers. Mandy hangs her head in silence as the other three 12 year olds toss the bag of Goldies corpse around. Joey Bergren Sex Assistants eyes follow Goldies corpse. The Homeless Man continues to jerk it. SKIP TICKLE TIME TRAVELER observes from the back of the car, steadying himself on a staff with a green orb and two serpents for handles. SKIP TICKLE TIME TRAVELER And so, I was asked to observe and nothing more. Such is the life of a time traveler. Though I do wonder, how many more sticky situations will Train Car 9 get itself into? HOMELESS MAN I just came! EVERYONE Finally! They all APPLAUD. CUT TO LOGO.

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INT. NEW YORK TRAIN CAR - NIGHT JOEY BERGREN SEX ASSISTANT Oh, because his cum is sticky and sticky situations, I get it. SKIP TICKLE TIME TRAVELER You can see me?!

CUT TO BLACK.