The Collected Works of Dorothy Tennov

Limerence Q & A
by Dorothy Tennov
1 Q: You seem to have a different idea about being in love compared with the opinions of many love researchers. What, exactly is the difference? DT: The main difference is that we are studying different things. My contention is that this difference must be clarified if we can get beyond the limited research and limited helpful knowledge about love. Furthermore, there is much in the advice given by experts that does not fit limerence, or might even be harmful in giving advice that cannot be followed because limerence is an involuntary state or condition. Like an addiction, it cannot be willed away. 2 Q: Clearly, not all sexual relationships involve limerence, nor do all loving relationships between sexual partners, yet you say little about these. DT: Other forms of sex-associated regard for another person undoubtedly exist; I did not study them. They need to be studied, and perhaps have been, but if it is to be done effectively limerents must not be mixed with nonlimerents in the analysis, as seems to have been the case with many who write about relationships. In such enterprises as marriage counseling, it would be more helpful to the couple if the limerence aspects could be distinguished. Without identifying the role of limerence or nonlimerence in the situation, the counselor risks being unhelpful. This is especially true in situations in which one member of a pair is limerent for someone other than the spouse. 3 Q: What criticism do you make of correlational studies? DT: I criticize their use in human behavior studies because of their ability to mislead. Until such research was virtually outlawed in the name of protecting experimental subjects, such pioneers as Milgram, Rosenthal, and others had begun to explore some common human tendencies. It is a complex subject because other sources religious humanitarian speak to the same issues. Researchers in psychology retreated to safer procedures, namely, to individual and group differences. The problem with these studies is that they are nonexperimental. The old saw about correlation not meaning causation has not impeded the tendency to confuse the two in the minds of most members of the public, and even in the minds of some scientists. Correlations are easy to inflate or to minimize depending, for example, on the range of subjects in the sample. As far as psychological typologies are concerned, while teaching experimental psychology I found that if you ask students to design a study they will invariably come up with what I called a Who Study, one in which the object was to find differences among people categorized in some way. Sex differences is of course the perennial favorite; our heads seem pointed that

A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It Limerence:

way. There seems to be a built-in tendency to want to invent typologies and make group comparisons. Its one of several research-inhibiting biases that I discuss at length elsewhere. They are tendencies the scientist must watch out for. 4 Q: A lot is written daily on this subject. Much of it is advice. Do you have any opinions about their effectiveness and do you do limerence counseling yourself? DT: Theres a demand for advice mongers. They will become more effective if they begin to take limerence into account and recognize that advice to a nonlimerent might not be suitable for a limerent person. The snap-out-of-it approach does not work with an involuntary condition. Most letters to me from people who had read Love and Limerence did not ask for advice. If they read the book, they knew that there was no advice I could give that was not implied by knowledge of the laws of limerence. Among the few who did ask a question or for help, I consider this a gem: Dr. Tennov. Please help me. I cannot tell my psychiatrist. Hed think Im crazy. It sounded like a joke at first, but even if a joke, that response means that the person differentiated between whatever was or might be the objective of psychotherapy and distress resulting from unrequited limerence. It is therefore interpretable as another indication of the distinctness of the limerent condition; it is even distinguishable from the condition for which a person might seek therapy. I have heard from people who sought help from counselors or psychotherapists with disastrous results. Saddest of all is the situation in which a person becomes limerent for the psychotherapist who misinterprets. 5 Q: Can limerence really be hidden? DT: It can be hidden often is hidden from all, including LO. The pangs of severe limerence pain can be covered over by a seemingly calm and even joyful exterior. Conversely, care must be taken not to assume yourself to be an LO, based on actions equally consistent with friendship or nonlimerent sexual attraction. The discovery of limerence would open a Pandoras Box of legal and moral and interpersonal issues if it were widely understood and, especially, should a physiological marker be found that would allow an objective determination of whether the state existed. 6 Q: You have called it love madness. Doesnt limerence sometimes exist in a pathological form, one that creates a stalker, or a Fatal Attraction? DT: I draw a blank. All I can say it that Glenn Closes character seemed to me an caricature probably created by a nonlimerent person who has fallen into the uncomfortable role of LO. The answers to such questions begin with an understanding of limerence and the ability to identify it in a given individual. 7 Q: What is your rationale for using nonstandard methods? DT: That limerence research did not rely on standard methods does not mean that the methods used were either inappropriate or unscientific. Science is a matter of interpreting observations. However the data may have been obtained, it is the soundness of the interpretation, not the amount or type of data collected, that distinguishes science from non-science. Limerence had first to be identified using selfreports. On the other hand, now that that stage of investigation has met its objective, it is time to move on. Questions that it raised can begin to be answered. Further research must be based on the exploratory work because to do adequate research, limerence status (limerent, nonlimerent, formerly limerent, etc.) must be identifiable. During my years of teaching experimental psychology I found that virtually journal

The Collected Works of Dorothy Tennov

article we criticized, was logically faulty. Often it was because the experimenters had skipped the first steps of identification of the variables measured. 8 Q: How do you explain the mixed reactions to limerence on the part of scientists and journalists? DT: The reactions of colleagues and journalists have been mixed in a manner explainable by limerence theory itself. One reacts, at least initially, according to ones own experience. With more scientific knowledge of this aspect of human reproduction, people will react to the knowledge, whatever their personal experience. 9 Q: Do you have any opinions about how easy or how hard it might be to detect limerence in order to conduct research? DT: I think it will be difficult to the degree that informants misinform, whether deliberately or unknowingly. What has been called demand characteristics, the rewards and punishments of the experimental situation can be minimized. I recommend the use of sophisticated informants whose role more closely resembles that of co-investigator than subject. 10 Q: What has been learned about limerence in the years since Love and Limerence was published? DT: Post publication concepts have mainly developed in the direction of additional analysis of responses to the book. There were some differences between the image of limerence based on prepublication research and the new data that came through the mails, but none are lethal to the main ideas. For example, my initial conceptions did not place the possible age of first limerence over so broad a scale. The letters indicate that first limerence can occur at any adult age. (It might also occur at younger ages, but children dont write letters to authors.) 11 Q: What is the relationship between limerence and sex? DT: Limerence is an aspect of human reproduction. The desired union is one that includes sex, but sexual attraction often occurs in the absence of limerence, nor does sex alone satisfy limerent desires. 12 Q: How can a subjective experience can be defined? DT: The question of whether the experience of green is the same for you as for me is unanswerable in principle. However, love is not like the perception of color. Love involves body, thought and emotion. For these we have varying degrees of verifiable evidence.
Lottos Cupid and Venus

13 Q: What are the basic categories of people regarding limerence? DT: Regarding limerence, there are three possibilities: (1) those who have experienced limerence in the past, but are no longer in its grip, (2) those who are currently limerent, and (3) those who have not (or

A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It Limerence:

not yet) experienced limerence. The categories do not represent types of people but the state of a person at any given time. 14 Q: Is there any real difference between being limerent and not being limerent? DT: Those who gave testimony say yes, but there may be times when limerence is at low ebb, either in a mutual relationship, or during final stages of hopelessness. At such times, limerence is barely noticeable. It is a matter to be settled at the physiological level. I know that researchers are exploring behavioral and physiological measures (e.g., brain wave patterns and hormonal secretions) associated with social and sexual partnerships in humans and in other animals. 15 Q: Is it reasonable to give credence to the conclusions researched by a nonquantitative study? DT: Quantitative estimates of proportion of available time spent in intrusive thinking can supply reliable data. (Psychophysics experiments suggest that subjective estimates expressed numerically have some degree of validity.) However, without clarity in definitions and in criteria of categorization, assigning numbers can be meaningless or misleading. In any case, the important distinction is between limerence and nonlimerence. It is not a defect in initial methodology to spend time learning about what one is going to study. That has been done too seldom in the past. Thats what I did and thats what all did. Other researchers must take it from there. 16 Q: Is it like a new and previously unidentified disease to which some may be immune? DT: When we know the physiological mechanisms, we may find that some people are immune. 17 Q: Do you really believe that there are habitual nonlimerent LOs, people who inspire limerence but have not experienced the state themselves? DT: It is a common theme in films and other fiction, and I have had reports that suggest a hereditary base because many members of the same family seem to show the trait. However, this is pure speculation. 18 Q: Is it possible to avoid getting into the state of limerence? DT: Some report wishing to avoid it but being unable to do so. Since at the beginning of an attraction that will become limerent, the person feels both free and happy (walking on air), it is very hard to resist once it starts. 19 Q: Wasnt your sampling method inadequate? DT: Again, that depends on the conclusions drawn. A possibly serious biasing factor in my database is that those who achieve full and quick reciprocation do not submit testimony. Remember that my only real conclusion is that such a state exists in some people and not in others. A single case of each would enable the same conclusion to be drawn. From the data of several hundred, even if they were mostly limerent at the time, it is suggested that there are quite a few of these people. This conclusion is further borne out by literature, especially biography.

The Collected Works of Dorothy Tennov

20 Q: What, if any, evolutionary principles do you draw from your findings on limerence? DT: Ive had several ideas. Did this, as Helen Fisher contends, keep a couple together long enough to breed successfully given the altricial 19 quality of the human child? It might be that relationships in which only one person is limerent turn out to be stable and therefore best for reproductive success. 21 Q: What are some social problems that limerence research might encounter or even bring about? DT: I can think of some it might help, especially the break up of families when one spouse becomes smitten with someone other than the other spouse, a very common occurrence, and danger to families and children. However, there may be privacy intrusions. Many limerences are hidden, sometimes because the limerent person knows that to reveal such feelings would bring stronger rejection from LO. The long silent and suffering person whose limerence for someone whom they encounter regularly in the course of daily living, even if only casually, is an often-told story. The frequency of affairs starting at the workplace has come to the attention of the media. Another problem that could come from widespread knowledge of limerence is the unwarranted rejection of a friend because you think that person is trying to hide a limerence for you. 22 Q: Isnt it also true that people who are limerent criticize their nonlimerent lovers calling them cold, unfeeling, and unable to truly love? DT: Yes, and knowing about limerence might help LOs to understand better what is going on and what to do about it. Generally, this means breaking an impossible relationship cleanly by declaring nonlimerence (although even that is not a sure-fire strategy). If limerence were better understood, it might be better controlled. 23 Q: Isnt this all very speculative? DT: I try to be spare about speculation, but the logical implications I draw from limerence suggest the possibility of enormous ramification. To repeat, there exists in members of the species Homo sapiens -lets call it a condition --that is distinct, involuntary, seems to occur across all human groups and always follows an identical a pattern of reaction to external events no matter in whom it occurs. It is featured in roughly 90% of all drama, song and biography. Yet, it has been linguistically and conceptually invisible. Moreover, I dont mean that limerence has been invisible the way water is invisible to fish, invisible due to ubiquity. The reasons for the invisibility of limerence are more insidious. 24 Q: What is the difference between being in love and infatuation? DT: Some writers have made much of differentiations between infatuation, being in love, puppy love, and so forth. I have not found these terms useful in distinguishing limerence from other states. 25 Q Is limerence more frequent in women? DT: That is probably the most frequently asked question. Opinions range, but opinion may be based on erroneous stereotyping. 26 Q: Isnt the relationship to gender important because limerence is closely related to sex.
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altricial born immature and helpless, therefore requiring extended natal care

A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It Limerence:

DT: One would think so. Folk wisdom (which can be in grave error) also posits social differences. I found surprising similarity across genders, although systematic research focusing on sex differences is yet to be undertaken. 27 Q: You seem to have a different idea about being in love compared with the opinions of other love researchers. What, exactly is the difference? DT: We probably are not studying the same phenomena. This difference must be clarified if we can get beyond limited research and limited helpful knowledge about love. 28 Q: Clearly, not all sexual relationships involve limerence, nor do all loving relationships between sexual partners, yet you say little about these. Why is that? DT: Other forms of sex-associated regard for another person undoubtedly exist; I did not study them systematically. They need to be studied, but if it is to be done effectively, limerents must not be mixed with nonlimerents in the analysis, as seems to have been the case with researchers who write about relationships. In such enterprises as marriage counseling, it would be much more helpful to the couple if the limerence aspects could be determined as such. Without identifying the role of limerence or nonlimerence in the situation, counseling may be harmful. This is especially likely in situations in which one member of a pair is limerent for someone other than the partner. Copyright 2004 Dorothy Tennov