Parshat Toldos Sermon 5772

(much of this sermon is taken from Rabbi Shlomo Riskins Torah Lights)

The Long Term Impact of Conditional Love Why did Yaakov lie to his father? What made the , the diligent and sincere dweller of tents, act in such a devious and underhanded manner? True, it was his mother who made the suggestion, but Yaakov is ultimately responsible for his own exploits. The history of Yaakovs uncharacteristically deceptive behavior can be traced back to the complex parent-child dynamic within his home. Parents are usually affectionate in different ways to different children, the household of Yitzchak and Rivkah was no exception. We are told: - :() We are told that Esav was loved by his father because he was . The Abarbanel explains:
And Yitchak loved Esau since he was the first born and he didnt know about the prophecy which was revealed to Rivkahhe therefore

thought that Esau would inherit all of his blessings as well as the inheritance of the land, also because Esau appeared to be brave and fierce and he would often tell his father about his hunting expeditions, and so Yitzchak respected and loved him. Some explain that he would bring the hunt into the mouth of Isaac, and the Sages said that he would trick Isaac with his mouth.

' ' . . " .

What kind of home does Yaakov grow up in? One of conditional love. He sees that his father loves his brother because he is strong and confident, a good hunter, all of the qualities which he personally does not have. Yaakov, from a young and vulnerable age perceives that if he wishes to please his father, he ought to have some of Esavs qualities. He must be strong and fearsome; he has to have a proclivity and a talent for hunting. And so what does Yaakov decide to do in order to impress his father? Yaakov goes out and hunts a deer, his fathers favorite. With the delectable venison in hand, he too can be a , he can feed the mouth of his father.

And how does he accomplish this feat? He does so through a ruse, by being a and using his mouth to ensnare and trick others. In a sad and ironic twist, the , the wholesome and modest young man who could never tell a lie, learns to manipulate and to employ dishonesty in order to gain the love and affection of others. The lie wasnt even such a good lie, after all, soon enough Esav would return home with venison in hand, and all would be discovered, Yaakov would be revealed as the imposter he was. But the illogic is not something Yaakov is attentive to, for the pain for being ignored and having to play second fiddle his entire life was too great. What he wouldnt do for some face time with his father! Yaakov would do anything to make him proud, but the only thing he ever knew which gave his father joy was to mimic his older brother. Children yearn for a parents adulation and they will forever search for something to draw out the favor in their eyes and to win their approval. I read a story recently which may elucidate this unfulfilled need which caused emptiness in Yaakovs heart. This is a story which talks to the anxiety and sadness of any child who feels unwanted by the person who matters most (Rabbi Riskin Torah Lights, page 168-169): There is a certain women, we will call her Sarah, many years after the who would reminisce about her childhood and she would confess
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that the happiest day in her life was the day in which she was forcibly removed from her home and taken by the Nazis to an extermination camp. She would describe that in her family, her older sister was the favored daughter, a frum girl, and that she was the rejected and rebellious one. If there was a pat of butter and a pat of margarine, her sister would inevitably receive the butter, and she would get the margarine, after all her mother would explain Miriam is exhausted from davening with such concentration, whereas you skipped a few corners in your prayer book, so you can do with less. What was even more painful was the mothers complaint whenever she was angered by her younger daughters conduct she would say You probably arent my biological daughter! Your sister was born at home and you at the clinic The doctors proabely switched you with my real daughter The sting of those words still reverberates to this very day. In 1942 the Nazis came to her hometown of Bendine, and rounded up the children. Only she and her parents were at home. Her father tried to steady his trembling hands by writing a kvittel to the Gerrer Rebbe; her mother threw herself at the feet of the Nazi beasts, begging them to take her and spare the life of her precious child.

At that moment Sarah described how she felt absolutely no fear, even when they loaded her into the cattle car; she could feel only joy, joy in the knowledge that her mother truly loved her after all, joy in the confirmation that she was indeed her parents own, that she was accepted and not rejected by her mother. This is what Yaakov so desperately wanted to confirm but never was able to. He uttered the words

" ...- , -- , ".

The damage done though extends beyond this moment Yaakov never develops a healthy relationship with his father, and so he struggles his entire life with anxiety and apprehension whenever he has to encounter a battle with another man be it Esav, Lavan and one may even argue, Shechem. Esav though is the exact opposite, he has a loving and supporting father, but a mother who ignores him and bad mouths him. One cant help but be pained by the scene of Esavs return from the field in the beginning of the parsha:

 , ; .- , , - - -- , ; - .-,

29 And Jacob sod pottage; and Esau came in from the field, and he was faint. 30 And Esau said to Jacob: 'Let me swallow, I pray thee, some of this red, red pottage; for I am faint.' Therefore was his name called Edom.

Esav was tired he had been out working and hunting the entire day, in his eyes he was taking care of the family and who should greet him when he arrived at home? His brother, Yaakov. Where was with a smile and a warm cup of hot cocoa, why didnt Esav deserve the loving embrace of a mother which Yaakov enjoyed? We notice that when Yaakov is preparing to act as Esav, it is who dresses him! Hes an adult and yet his mother is laying out his clothing, and pairing his socks. Did Esav ever receive such treatment!? And so Esav grows up to be a man of great strength and courage, but he has no positive female role model. Thus he treats women with grave disrespect, raping and objectifying the . And without a mother there is no one to instruct a child in the ways of mercy, and so he becomes a cold blooded killer, vengeful and spiteful.

All children want is someone to look up to, to admire and most importantly to admire them. I always say that when children who come home from school and show their projects off and tell us about their day those are some of the most critical moments in parenting. In that 15 minute period focus, shut off the outside world, prepare the hot cocoa! My wife has a can of whipped cream in the refrigerator, each morning the children put on their coats and shoes and pack their school bags. But right before they step out the door and into the van, they extend their little hands and receive a tiny squirt of whipped cream. Those moments in the morning are so stressful for families, its so easy to forget to let people know that you love them. We have to make the time for the little squirt of whipped cream; there are very few things in the world which convey I love you as does that tiny gesture. And if we let them know, they will not run elsewhere for approval, they will not have to resort to cheap tricks to impress us and those in their lives. How many times do we let our husbands and wives start their hectic days without making it absolutely clear that we love them and that we adore them. It goes a long way to just start the car for your wife in the

morning, or to make a cup of coffee for your husband even if there is no time, make the time! Because if we dont make this a habit, we will still seek love, but in the wrong ways and from the wrong people. Our families are the greatest gifts in the world jobs and meetings, and play dates will come and go, but to the people who matter most, we have to make a better effort to be there and to make our love known.