esolving Differences With Your In-laws

REVIEWED APR 16, 2012

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SUMMARY Accept your in-laws. Give them a place in your life. Master the fundamentals of conflict resolution. Many people fear confronting their mother-in-law and/or father in-law over issueswhether big or smallbecause they worry that doing so will jeopardize the relationship. Learning how to manage and resolve conflict, however, can help improve your relationship with your in-laws as well as avert family turmoil down the road. Setting the stage for a healthy in-law relationship All in-law relationships experience conflict from time to time. You can minimize such occasions by taking these steps: Accept your in-law for who she is. Respect her uniqueness and try to focus on her positive qualities. Remember, although you cannot change your in-law, you can change your attitude and how you value her. Empower your in-law by giving him a place in your life. Offer him an opportunity to contribute to family decisions regarding holidays and special events. Show that you appreciate and respect his feelings and opinionseven though you may disagree.

Conflict resolution 101 Mastering the fundamentals of conflict resolution is essential when dealing with in-law issues, especially given the complex dynamic and long-term nature of family relationships. Whether the issue is just between you and an in-law or something that you and your spouse need to address together, follow these steps: Control your emotions and pinpoint the problem. Feelings of hurt, rejection or unfair treatment may cloud your ability to see the real problem. Calm down before you try to identify the reasons behind your feelings. Perhaps a string of events, rather than a single episode is the causeis there a common theme? Put yourself in your in-laws shoes. How might she be feeling? Are there underlying issuesis she lonely, does she feel left out? Did you say or do something that could have been misunderstood or misinterpreted?

Work on communicating. Find a time when you will not be interrupted or rushed. Make sure your in-law has your full attention and understands your meaning. Dont blame: use I statements, not you statements. For example, Im such a scheduler that impromptu visits are unnerving, rather than You were so inconsiderate to come by unexpectedly. Be aware of your body movement, voice inflection, facial expressions and other nonverbal cues. Stay focused on the matter at hand. Avoid forming alliances. Dont involve or ask other family members to take sides, including your spouse. Be a good listener. Dont interrupt or make assumptions. Avoid being critical or defensive. Listen to what is behind the wordslike feelings and ideas. Be apologetic. Be willing to apologize and offer forgiveness. Solve the problem. One-time misunderstandings may not require you to work out a solution. But, finding a compromise that satisfies both you and your in-law is ideal. Be flexible and willing to try a new way of doing things.

Impossible in-laws Some people have personal issues that make them unwilling or unable to resolve conflict with their son-in-law or daughter-in-law. If you have followed the steps above without success, steering clear of your in-laws may be your only recourse. Talking with your spouse or a close friend can help you cope with your frustration and stress.

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In-law tensions hit women hardest

Mothers-in-law have long been the butt of male jokes, but a book reveals that conflict between female relations causes bigger family problems

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inShare0 Email Amelia Hill, social affairs correspondent The Observer, Sunday 30 November 2008

Mother-in-law jokes are the staple and cliched diet of comedians but they mask the real family battles between a woman and her daughter-in-law, according to new research that reveals the domestic conflict being waged between women with the husband and son somewhere in the middle According to the study of hundreds of families over two decades, more than 60 per cent of women admitted the relationship with their female in-law caused them long-term unhappiness and stress.

Dr Terri Apter, a psychologist and senior tutor at Newnham College, Cambridge University, who carried out the research for her new book What Do You Want From Me?, found that two-thirds of daughters-in-law believed that their husband's mother frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their sons. The behaviour ranged from that experienced by 26year-old Jenny from north London, whose mother-in-law began emailing her two months before her wedding with messages saying, 'What you don't realise is that my son thinks about me every day, every minute of the day, every second of every minute of the day', to more common behaviour, such as making demands, being critical or intrusive, sulking and eliciting pity. A similar proportion of mothers-in-law, however, complained of being excluded and isolated. 'My daughter-in-law is so cold towards me,' said 64year-old Annie from Yorkshire. 'She begrudges any time or attention my son gives to me and takes every opportunity to minimise the importance and depth of the bond he and I have.' Apter has spent the past 20 years interviewing hundreds of families across the world for her book. She found that, while 75 per cent of couples reported having problems with an in-law, only 15 per cent of mother-inlaw/son-in-law relationships were described as tense. The typical 'in-law' jokes are told in a male voice and directed towards a mother-in-law. For example: 'Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate: "My mother-in-law is an angel." His friend replies: "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."' However, Apter says that the in-law problem is almost always between the two women. 'As they struggle to achieve the same position in the family as primary woman, each tries to establish or protect her status, each feels threatened by the other,' she said. 'Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict often emerges from an expectation that each is criticising or undermining the other, but this mutual unease may have less to do with actual attitudes and far more to do with persistent female norms that few of us manage to shake off completely,' she added. For example, although a daughter-in-law is an adult in her own household, a mother-in-law's maternal expertise is already established and she may expect deference. 'There then arises that tricky question about who is "mother" in the family, with final say over all those things women still assume charge over: housework and child care, meal times and children's manners,' said Apter.

The range of tactics admitted to by female in-laws harks back to squabbles in girls' cliques in primary-school playgrounds: long-term, low-key, and indirect attacks are used to exclude and criticise. 'I pity the young woman who will attempt to insinuate herself between my mamma's boy and me,' admitted author Ayelet Waldman. 'I sympathise with the monumental nature of her task. I sympathise with how much work she faces, but not with her. In fact, the very thought of this person, imaginary though she is, sends me into paroxysms of a kind of envy that is uncomfortable to admit.' Women in Apter's survey often admitted they were stunned by the impact and influence of their female in-laws. 'Much has been made of the decline of the family but the bonds between parent and child have not weakened,' she said. 'The reality and persistence of the extended family is one of the best kept secrets of modern times. The only realistic way to approach marriage is to accept that there will be six people in the marriage bed.' So why is the most difficult in-law tension that between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? Part of the conflict has its roots in the mother/son relationship, which contains an element of romance in a way that a mother and daughter bond does not, said Apter. 'This unique dynamic can trigger competition when another woman becomes the new closest kin,' she said. But tension also arises from the new wife's expectation that not only will she be the most important woman in her husband's life but that, as daughter-in-law, she will be embraced, supported and left alone, all at the same time. The man, meanwhile, must try to maintain and differentiate - or twin-track - the two relationships as son and as husband.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/nov/30/women-family

Mother-in-law AND daughter-in-law conflict

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Home and infidelity

When newcomer wife comes to stay in the new house with husband who is already with other male members, becomes favorable atmosphere for her. Tendency of males to attract females facilitates her to take advantage to establish own atmosphere that matches her identity. This facilitates her to run the home as she wants. On the other hand, if there is already an adult female member (mainly mother-in-law) who controlled the house, turn out to be problems for her and her. Her survival is by surrendering to adjust into the existing environment or fight to gain

control to establish own environment. It is a war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, most popular of any war. It is egoistic war to establish own superiority. A home adorned by woman is her entity. Her own values are involved in making a home that reflects her qualities. Each house interior is different from other is because her deep involvement to decorate that suits her taste. We can observe in a house purchased or hired, woman takes special interest and involve her feeling to decorate and arrange interiors that makes her comfortable. Woman modifies her house to suit her taste is the environment she makes that suits her. The mother who is already in control of her house would not easily leave, is the same case as of politicians who hates to leave legislation membership or seat whatever we may call. This is her house as she has been involved to nurture the house since the beginning. Any challenge is the challenge to her emotions, sense of worth, identity, fondness and finally her control for own security. Thus, she would never wish newcomer to have control on what she amassed for longlong time. This is the psychological behavior with every individual/ any life form. Who creates own territory by involving sentimentally and marks psychologically or physically to declare. Depends how species behave as human declare with flags and animals with other methods. Declaring territory is the sense of security. Similarly, mother too has marked her territory and would resist to any challenge. A son for the mother is the outgrowth of her efforts and emotional involvement. Mainly when she has one son, she expects her son to become security for the family and the old age. Honestly, no aged man or woman would wish to go to old age houses for rest of the life as long as the son is alive. Differences of new generations, old generations, and psychological war between in-laws force to leave the house. When she hands over her son to a new woman, she is cautious that her influence on the son is not disconnected. Her influence on him is the sense of security as he obeys, cares, and respects are his attachment. The new woman (WIFE) cannot tolerate because her sense of security expects 100% involvement from her husband. Wife needs him for her and childrens safety, security, comfort and sensual attachment. The diversion of her husbands attention would minimize her expected desires. Therefore, she declares a war against her mother-in-law aggressively to thwart the weakening realm. However, the outcome depends on how psychologically strong the son/ husband is. How much his attraction or submission to the influence is? How strong the religious influence is? How he handles the situation? Who of two women are more influential is? 99.99 % mothers win over daughter-in-laws in the countries where religious dominance rule. All religious scripts direct the son to follow, respect, care and worship mothers. Therefore, aged are still safe and living with their children. However, in the urban and advanced countries it is the opposite. In such cases, the mothers are psychologically weaker and get defeated to daughter-inlaws. In most cases, wifes inclination is towards her own parents above the husbands parents. She would prefer her mother-father to stay with her provided she wins her husbands mind to agree. The reason of this is that she lived for long-long time, made her involve and attached emotionally with the parents and mixed up intensely to understand the needs of parents and

parents understand her needs subsides only when she bears her own children. One thing I would wish to stress that even wife loves and has respect for the mother-in-law; only psychological issues disconnect them. It is not any personal conflict rather is the personality conflict. They involve in the conflict to gain/retain the status and claim rights on the son/husbands attention. So, can retain their say and pull major attention of son/husband towards them. Daughter-in-law should also realize that she too would meet her daughter-in-law in her future when she becomes the mother-in-law. On the other hand, mother-in-law should realize the same way. Wife need to understand that mother-in-law is now aged. The behavior developed from the very beginning, some times is not easy to change. Thus becomes responsibility to understand the situation and act to drag mother-in-law towards her by affection. This technique is an influence to convince mother-in-law that I care her more than even her son. Do not hurt any ones sentiment. Sentiment is the personal value and ego. If you hurt, you become enemy. Besides, putting your own values in front of her, listen to her too and tell to agree which ever is best. Forcing opinions and values is a root to clash. It is a conflict between the new and old generation. Thinking and behavior differ generation to generation. Present generation is more open, free, and demanding than the old. Mother-in-law need to know it is not her era. Opinion and ideological differences lead to misunderstanding. Psychological feelings and horrifying stories about mother-in-law create misunderstanding. Besides, understanding each others stand and responsibilities should work to eliminate feeling of insecurity. Egoistic approach is the root cause that I am the one who is responsible for him. Now he is an adult man can take care himself and your both. Exchange the affection, views, chat, good moments of your life, gifts etc to get closer. Two different identities of different ideologies fight each other to gain control on one man. These two beloved women crush this man in their skirmishes. They do not realize the affect on the man they are fighting-for. In most cases, mother gets defeated in this episode and ends up rest of her life in the old age homes. If wife looses the war, she ends up in marriage failure. Finally, who is the looser? My experience in this whole episode had troubled me a lot. My life was hell and many times, I had wished never to enter the home to face the blames of the mother and wife. During my stay at home, I avoided to face both to keep myself in peace. Both of them blamed me of being irresponsible and supporting one, which I felt was involving me unnecessarily in their ego clash. Finally, I had to take harsh steps to make them understand that none is lesser to me so both have to live with me in my house. I did not wish to leave my mother-father, as they were dependent and are my inspiration. In the same time, I never wished to leave my wife as she was meant for me. Now it is almost 22 years of my marriage and still both live with me. Now they realize it was unwanted dispute between them.
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Disastrous Daughter-In-Law: Resolving the Conflict Between Wives and Their In-Laws

by MUSLIM HUSBAND & WIFE on Wednesday, September 1, 2010 at 3:09pm Disastrous Daughter-In-Law Resolving the Conflict Between Wives and Their In-Laws By Saleeha Bhamjee

It's a syndrome that we daughters-in-laws all suffer from at times. Disastrous is exactly what it is, for it obstructs peace and harmony in every family where the daughter-in-law manifests symptoms. For some of us it's a passing phase, like passing from adolescence to adulthood, while for others adulthood never comes, so the syndrome becomes chronic and general unhappiness is always the result thereof. Because I received a fair amount of flak after publishing "Peace in Our Times: Mother- & Daughter-in-Law Syndrome" last month and had a good many daughters-in-law smiling benignly at their mothers-in-law when they shrewdly showed them the article, I felt a crying need to explore the other side of the coin.

"My Parents Are Better than Yours" And what exactly is this "Disastrous Daughter-in-Law Syndrome" that I have just referred to? It starts with a belief that your in-laws are never good. Quite honestly, there is nothing good in them at all. You're always comparing them to your own parents, loudly and always in the presence of their son, with the express purpose of showing him just how inadequate his parents really are. You make a huge fuss of anything your parents give to you or your children, and even though you never vocalize it, the underlying meaning is "See, my parents love the children more than yours do!" If your in-laws send a gift, your ccomments are usually anything but kind. You would gladly empty your entire house for your own parents, but if your in-laws request anything from their son, you get angry. It's an ongoing competition. My parents are better than yours; my brother is handsomer than yours; my sisters bake better than yours; my cousins are friendlier than yours; my mother's house is cleaner than your mother's house; our children love my parents more than they do yours; my mother's cat is prettier than your mother's cat, and so on.

"Annoying, isn't it?" That's probably what most husbands would say. Depending on how fiercely loyal your husband is to his family, the results of this continuous battle will vary. Some men eventually succumb. They declare a cease-fire, promise never to mention anything good about their parents ever after, and are only too glad to spend every weekend thereafter at your parents' place, visiting their own parents only once every two months. For other men, such behavior becomes an open declaration of war. They begin to keep you and the children away from your parents and insist that you spend every weekend thereafter at their parents' place, much to your ire.

So is there a solution? Well, this is my well-tried remedy that has worked for me. The rules are as follows:

1. 2.

Grow up. Such behavior is decidedly immature. Accept your in-laws as your own parents. You have them to thank for the wonderful man who has become your life partner.

3.

Praise them often in the presence of your husband, family, and friends. That way, even though you haven't grown to like them as of yet, you will in time.

4.

Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults. You would never disown your parents for their flaws, so how can you expect the same from your husband's parents?

5.

Lower your expectations. As much as you might feel that marriage is a huge adjustment for you, having their son married is an adjustment for them, too. Their son no longer belongs exclusively to them. You all will now have to learn to share.

6. 7.

Treat them respectfully. A bad word creates a permanent rift. Be thankful, rather than jealous, when your children show them love. Would you deprive your own children of the love of their grandparents, confining them only to the love of your own parents because of jealousy? How would you feel if your brother's wife did the same with your own parents?

8.

Do all you can to make them feel at home when they come by for a visit. You would do the same for your own parents, no doubt.

9.

Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If they have overstepped their boundaries, discuss this in private with your husband.

10. Never drag your husband into an argument between your mother-in-law and yourself. By doing this, you place your husband in a very precarious position. Should you have any issue you need to address with your mother-inlaw, do so in a respectful manner. By holding mature adult discussions, an amicable agreement can be reached. 11. Instead of demanding, be a giver. Always remember that it is sheer folly to always go around demanding that your rights be fulfilled. Rather, concentrate on fulfilling the rights of others. In so doing, you will find that those around you will automatically begin to fulfill your rights. 12. Recompense comes from Allah. Give and give and don't ever expect something in return. Always remember that the best recompense is always from Allah. Allah says [And what is the reward of good except good?] (Ar-Rahman 55:60).

Now, mother-in-law, pick up that phone and call your daughter-in-law. It's time to get your own back. Provided, of course, that you took the advice for mothers-in-law given the last time around.

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