13 Steps To Empower Yourself After An Affair

1. Mourn the loss After we have invested our time, strong feelings, and our visions for the future with a loved one we may experience feelings of vulnerability. This raw fragile state persists unless we are certain our partner provides emotional stability for us to reveal our inner truths. After our inner truths are revealed we develop expectations that our partner will also uncover his or her deepest emotions. When our partner places a brick wall up in the relationship and we realize his or her vulnerability belongs to someone else, we must first mourn the loss. The feelings we experience after the loss of an intimate relationship are no different than the emotions expressed after a death. Kubler-Rosss five stages of grief and loss apply to those that have experienced infidelity. Denial We avoid believing the harsh reality that our partner was actually unfaithful. We may minimize that the affair our partner had was not that serious. Anger Once reality sinks in and all the facts about your partners affair are known, anger comes to the surface. Piecing together the once fragmented timeline of events about your significant others affair results in feelings of betrayal. Bargaining Once our anger cools down, we may plead with our partner to stay in the relationship to work on changing it for the better. Depression After the bargaining stage fails, the partner who was cheated on may experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. He or she may cry frequently and experience severe difficulty in executing everyday tasks. Acceptance Accepting that the relationship is over will support ones ability to move on in life. Even if some feelings remain and the situation isnt fully resolved, we are able to transition and adapt to new experiences.

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Experiencing grief and loss is not a linear process. Nowadays, everyone has gown accustomed to instant gratification thanks to technology. Our life experiences are equivalent to a stew, which slowly marinates or a fine wine that grows richer with time. Mourning the loss of an intimate relationship, which has ended due to infidelity, is no different. Healing is a process, not a product. 2. Be motivated by your lost time After you have (for the most part) accepted your relationship had its challenges, be motivated to regain your lost time. Be inspired and proactive to work on your own personal development. Embrace being alone. Have you always wanted to take those dance classes, visit a friend out of state, sit on the beach alone, join a book club, try a new cooking class or go to a game with the guys? All of these possibilities may not have been an option when you were involved in your unhealthy relationship. Your time is precious. Nurture yourself by feeding your spirit, body, and mind. Once the dust settles, remove the mud from your once rose colored glasses and be energized to start anew. Think of yourself like a fresh slab of clay just waiting to be molded. This time, you are your own sculptor. Instead of looking at years lost, claim the time you have now. With a life cleansed of toxicity, you will now enjoy discovering your passions. 3. Give thanks for the discovery Try to envision yourself years down the line and imagine you stayed with your cheating partner. Most likely you continue to struggle with trusting your partner and remain somewhat fearful that he or she may be unfaithful again. Now envision yourself as a blossoming rose. In order for you to fully open and give heed to nature; you need air, sun, and water to thrive. Neglect, over exposure to sun, little water and harsh conditions could destroy your flowers beauty and kill your potential to bloom. Similarly your cheating partner represents the negative elements that contributed to the beautiful roses demise. You were born to become the rose, not the withered petals

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dried up on the floor. Be grateful for the opportunity to thrive without the harsh elements of a toxic relationship burdening you. 4. Kill off the victim role In my drama therapy training, the use of metaphors is a powerful tool. After

experiencing pain from a broken relationship eroded by an affair, one may take on the role of the victim. A victims inner dialogue may go something like this: Why did this situation have to happen to me? There must be something wrong with me for my partner to cheat. I am stupid for not identifying the signs earlier. Maybe I am not worthy of respect and love. I didnt try hard enough to save the relationship. Endless victimizing statements unconsciously cycle through someones head after being cheated on. Here is where metaphorically killing off the victim becomes imperative. Our thoughts are a direct manifestation of the words we speak and the actions we take. When the victim role takes control of our brain, we behave in a depressed manner because we feel helpless. Metaphorically killing off the victim in your head clears the cobwebs of lies that you have told yourself. Destroying this negative self-talk sends the message that you have mastery over your own life. When we are depressed, our thinking becomes fixed. We see little hope and are unable to consider ways to problem-solve. When we metaphorically kill off the victim role in ourselves, we begin the process of reclaiming our power back. 5. Reclaim your power Unfortunately, we are not superheroes. We cannot reactivate a super power like our favorite fictional character. We are human with flaws and imperfections. Our obstacles are our greatest gifts because they empower us to problem-solve in ways we never have before. When we are recovering after experiencing infidelity, all we may want to do is hide under our covers and isolate from the world around us. Although it is necessary to accept our experiences, it is not healthy to victimize ourselves by not coping effectively. www.CreativeKinections.com www.BounceBackFromBetrayal.com

Reclaiming our power takes time. We must harness our confidence and passions. Reclaiming our power is an act of opening ourselves up to the world and not retreating. Being connected to our loved ones, our friends, our community, our faith, and our higher calling motivates us to live outside of our bruised ego. We are not labeled by our experiences. Do not fall victim to this trap. 6. (For Women) Integrate male-oriented traits I am very conscious of gender-role stereotyping and am not suggesting that women or men should be pigeon holed in any way. Traits that often are associated with men such as: decisive, confident, strategic, proactive, problem-solvers, intelligent, strong and ambitious should also be applied to females. These aforementioned character traits build a foundation for healing to occur and opportunities to abound. With clarity and insight, we value ourselves more and form healthy boundaries to shield us from toxicity. Males often have little to no problems establishing firm boundaries for themselves. They often can say no assertively, confront a problem head on, and execute a plan to navigate a challenging situation. My hope is that more women can integrate these strength-based qualities into their lives to be able to face obstacles with more conviction and assuredness. 7. Be your own knight in shining armor This tip applies for both women and men. The take away from this message is You Are Enough. Often times, media and mainstream society tells us that we need the presence of something or someone to complete us. While it is integral to have supportive people in our lives, it is not healthy to believe that we must be dependent upon any outside variable for fulfillment. My training as a drama therapist incorporates an approach called Role Theory founded by Dr. Robert Landy. The goal in Role Theory is to integrate numerous roletypes into our every day lives in order to have flexibility and be able to relate to others in different situations. Integrating warrior-like character traits after experiencing infidelity would support an individuals healing process. www.CreativeKinections.com www.BounceBackFromBetrayal.com

8. Be open to change It is common to fear change, even a positive transition. When we are informed by our present moments we allow changes to unfold naturally. Life contains its own ebbs and flows and when we have faith in ourselves, our fear doesnt own us anymore. When we remain open in life with others, opportunities open and we feel connected. Envision yourself as the changing seasons. Summer organically gives way to fall and this evolution occurs seamlessly. Imagine if the seasons never changed and we remained in a constant state of summer or winter. Just like nature represents change and growth, our life experiences contain the same process of unfolding. 9. Be compassionate with yourself When we feel violated or wronged within an intimate relationship, we need to have compassion for self. Identify your hurt as a wounded child. Support your wounded child. Feel empathy for your pain, but above all else, be gentle with yourself. Imagine your hurt as a broken limb. Would you run a marathon and berate yourself afterwards for not winning? Please acknowledge your inner critic, but do not give your power away to it. You may be in a vulnerable state that needs tending to. Embrace fragility, because our vulnerability connects us with our own humanity. When we can see the pain in others, we understand that humans hurt as a collective. 10. Identify and actively use your supports Just as a child turns to his or her parents after falling, you too need to turn to your supports. There is strength in expressing our truth. Encourage yourself to step out of your routine and connect with others. Accept invitations to go out for a girls night, a family dinner, and a movie with friends, etc. This is not to say you shouldnt have some time to self-reflect, but allow others to support you in your time of need.

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11. Honor the strengths you always possessed It is easy to lose ourselves after our partner has been unfaithful. Females especially have been taught to believe that their self-worth is contingent upon whether or not they are in a relationship. Rediscover your strengths. Spending time with your supports will increase your confidence over time. Accept that your strengths existed even during the hurtful period when your partner was unfaithful. Please keep in mind that when a partner cheats, this act of deception is only an outward projection of how she/he feels about her/himself. Once youre able to not internalize your partners relationship flaw, you are free to travel on your own personal journey. 12. Be connected with your community During a personal crisis it helps put things in perspective when we become connected to our community. Volunteer your time and talents to your place of worship, offer to babysit for the new first-time mom across the street, or simply go for a walk in your neighborhood and reach out to others. Understanding that others are struggling and have their own obstacles to overcome will hopefully get you to think and live outside of just yourself. 13. Envision your fulfilled future A therapeutic technique frequently utilized in my sessions includes envisioning our fulfilled future and then taking on the role of our future self. Ask yourself the challenging questions such as: What will fulfill me professionally and personally? How do I want to best spend my time? Who will support my development? Once these questions are answered, identify the detailed steps included in achieving your fulfilled future. Do not settle for anything less. You deserve it.

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About the author Brooke Campbell is the Founder and Director of Creative Kinections, LLC with locations in New York City and New Jersey. She is a licensed creative arts therapist, registeredboard certified drama therapist, professional actor, director, and writer. Brooke recently contributed a chapter for a book about trauma and drama therapy, which is pending publication. Brooke holds a Masters in Drama Therapy from New York University. As an actor, she is a proud member of the Screen Actors Guild, American Federation of Television and Radio Artists, and Actors Equity Association. www.CreativeKinections.com www.facebook.com/CreativeKinections

Click The Link Below To Watch A Free Video Presentation On Why Infidelity May Be the Best Thing To Have Happened To Your Relationship & How You Can Make Your Relationship Stronger, Better and More Fulfilling After Infidelity

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