The Gospel of Tobias The Gossip

The Gospel of Tobias the Gossip
Editor.
Susan Y Myatt, PhA, PhB, PhD.
Dedication
This book is dedicated to the Revd. Walter John Raymond Morrison and his wife, Pamela: My spiritual and carnal mentors. Everything I know about life and theology I owe to them. They have been prolifically generous with their gifts although most, but not all, have been repossessed by the bailiffs. Such is life.
Contents
Frontispiece Dedication Contents Preface History Texts (in order of translation) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Time for Abba Feet washing Cold Drinks The Birth of Jesus Mountain Epiphany Sermon from the Mount Miriam Temptations of Jesus Storm on the Lake Walking on Water A case of Adultery Young Jesus in the Temple John the Baptizer Interrupted Parable A new Parable Samaritan Woman Comparing the Kingdom A Boy Possessed Who Am I? Becoming Disciples Mary and Martha Jesus heals Benjamin The Beatitudes Gods Reign Rock Solid Building The Road to Jerusalem 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 Satan Again Soldiers and Disciples Scribes Jesus Embarrassed Mary, Mary The Meeting Gadara Solomon The Torah and More Romans Sarah Prayer Only a Joke Love of the Torah Nazareth Visit Remember Unexpected Healing Explanations Loaves and Fishes Giving Presents Whats in a name? The Kings Banquet Memories are made of this Goodbyes Emergency Writers Cramp
End Piece
Preface
This volume represents all the current fragments from the Gospel of Tobias the Gossip which have been translated by JJJJJJohn Armstrong-Nott, Head of the Aramaic Department at the British Museum. In total it probably represents about a quarter of the complete text. As further fragments are translated it is hoped that they will also be published as subsequent volumes. The scroll is a strange text in many ways. Unlike the four gospels, which have been divided into chapter and verse by later scribes, the Gospel of Tobias is already sectioned into chapter and verse. However, due to the physical damage to the scroll only the verse enumeration remains, and this has been retained throughout the translations. Much like the Gnostic gospels, there are many parallels with the canonical gospels. However the Gospel of Tobias does not contain Gnostic elements and generally seems much closer in both themes and chronology to the canonical books. The original translation by JJJJJJohn Armstrong-Nott was rendered into rather stilted English. The editor has paraphrased and changed some words in the hope the text will be more accessible to the non-academic lay reader. E.g. Large has been change to Foreign Invader Apprentice Big fat git Big Roman Disciple Fool
The overall meaning has not been altered. For ease of reference, I have provided a title for each of the fragments indicating the main theme or characters, similar to those common in modern editions of the Gospels. Footnotes have been added to explain technical words and concepts. Theses are indicated by a *. Texts are listed on the contents page according to the date of their translation. Once the complete scroll has been translated, it is intended to provide cross references to the canonical New Testament documents as well as the Gospel of Thomas. Readers who wish to find parallels to texts printed in this book should refer to a concordance. So far the academic world has paid little attention to the scroll. As a result there are few references to related texts, manuscripts or publications which would help clarify difficult passages. The reader will have to wait until the academic world realizes the importance of this scroll and begins serious research into its historic and cultural background. Shalom, Susan Y Myatt. PhA, PhB, PhD. Professor of Ancient Cultures and Microbiology, Brentwood University.
History
In 1923 the FLF or Fairy Liquid Foundation, (motto: Now hands that do digging can feel soft as your face), started an archaeological dig at Capernaum in Palestine. Its focus was primarily on the site of a Roman garrison to the north of the city. In July 1924 they discovered an unopened post-box by the side of a Roman army hostel. It was found to contain various letters and parcels addressed, in the main, to people in Rome. Most of these items were removed to the British Museum for investigation and can still be viewed there. However one item, a scroll, was dismissed as simply a rather large toilet roll, and was considered worthless. Fortunately it was purchased by Sir Reginald Armstrong-Nott, an English gentleman and avid collector of antiquities, to add to his vast collection of ancient ephemera. In 1947, Sir Reginalds son paid his father a visit. His son, named JJJJJJohn, for the registrar wrote on the birth certificate exactly what his stuttering father dictated, worked at the British Museum as an Aramaic translator. Out of boredom rather than filial duty, JJJJJJohn was cataloguing his fathers collection when he chanced upon the scroll. When he started to read the text and translated the words, The Gospel of Tobias the Gossip, he realized its potential significance. After much persuasion Sir Reginald donated the scroll to the British Museum. However it was not afforded the attention that JJJJJJohn thought it deserved. This is perhaps understandable given Sir Reginalds previous bequests to the museum. His Egyptian set of glass marbles turned out to be spherical diamonds, the Byzantine transistor radio had Arabic rather than Turkish markings, and the Mongol timepiece found in India had a battery that was still working! Under these circumstances the Museum gratefully accepted the gift but was unwilling to allocate any resources for its translation. JJJJJJohn strongly disapproved and thought it should be translated no matter what the cost. He was a fervent Eastern Orthodox Christian, Ipswich branch, and thought that material dating from the time of Christ was too important to be left on the shelf. It was, after all, contemporaneous to the life of the Saviour! Consequently JJJJJJohn translated the text in his spare time. It was a difficult and frustrating task, as the brittle scroll disintegrated when unrolled. Recurrent bouts of hay fever, frequent holidays in Florida and managing Ipswich Chess Club also impacted on his free time. However a significant portion of the text has been translated, and is collected here. New Testament scholars are, perhaps, inevitably divided on the merits of the text. Some conclude that there is no evidence for a first century writer called Tobias and therefore there is little historical value in the scroll. At the other extreme, many consider that Tobias sheds fresh illumination on the life and teachings of the historical Jesus. The reader must come to his/her own conclusions.
Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2009/TB7791824/JA-N/2020/fg/1
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V15. The disciples were preparing for bed and were washing and brushing their teeth. Jesus popped into the bathroom and commanded: Up and down, up and down, till theyre clean and shiny! V16. Later on that evening, Jesus took two disciples and left the city. They walked to the grove of figs, and passed no one, it being about the midnight hour, being called in those parts the time of Motown. V17. And Jesus said, Phew, that was a long walk, lets park here. Not for a kip, mind you, but to ponder those things of the Almighty. The two disciples, named Samantha and Sarah, sat down and earnestly meditated on the Cosmos, the works of the Almighty and where the next meal was coming from as they were skint again. Text missing......... V28. Blimey, said Jesus, as he stood up. These rocks are sure hard on the bum. Perhaps I should have sat on a tussock? V29. Is it time? asked Samantha politely, for she had a great love of people and never wished to offend. She was the disciple nicknamed Blondie, as she had long blond tresses down to her slender waist, which was unusual in Galilee. Yes, is it time? asked Sarah respectfully, for she also was a devoted disciple. She, who was not nicknamed Blackie because of her long black tresses, but was called Gothic because of her unshaved arm-pits. V30. Amen, sisters, amen and amen again. The time draws near. Now is the winter of our discontent. No, thats another speech. Now tis time to truthfully and wholeheartedly be lifted up into the realms of the absolute. To encounter the mysteries. To go where no man has gone before, yea women also. V31. So shall I? asked a petulant Samantha. Jesus said, Mmmmmmm. He shut his eyes, lifted his right hand and scratched his head. He was deathly silent for about ten seconds or less. V32. And Jesus shouted Yes, ABBA!!! V33. And Samantha pressed the button, and lo and behold Super Trooper blared across the orchard. And Jesus and his disciples did groove and gyrate to the music. Sarah did shout, for the music was exceedingly loud, Heavenly!, and Samantha returned the shout, saying, Awesome! V34. Then Jesus did cease his hip swinging and shout, OK, babes, now weve checked the sound system we can get the guys and galls and start the party! Text missing......... V40. Jesus and Samantha walked back to collect the disciples. Samantha rummaged in her tunic pocket and withdrew a small bag. I came across these new crisps Lord. Theyre supposed to be the healthiest on the market. Do you want to try some? Sure came the reply. Samantha looked at the bag before opening it. It says:
No added salt No added sugar No artificial flavours No flavour enhancers 7
No preservatives No E numbers No added vitamins No preservatives No stabilizers Produce grown on organic farms Suitable for vegetarians Kosher guaranteed
That sounds very healthy doesnt it? And she proceeded to open the packet. Jesus reached in and picked out a couple of short golden tubes and put them in his mouth. Samantha grabbed a handful as she had missed out on supper. V41. It tastes like straw Samantha! I do believe it is straw! Pthurrr! as Jesus spat it out. Samantha wasnt listening at this point. She had bent over to be violently sick. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Text Missing.........
Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2009/TB7791834/JA-N/2020/bg/2
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V13. He took off his outer garments and wrapped a towel round his waist. He filled the basin with warm water and tested the temperature with his elbow. Taking a large blue bottle he added a small quantity of Radox bath salts. He told his disciples to remove their sandals, or in the case of Thomas his wellingtons, and then he started washing their feet. V14. When it was his turn, Peter shouted, No Lord, I cant let you wash my feet. Ive got corns and ingrown toenails. Jesus said, Calm down Peter. This is a symbolic act. You may not understand its implications now, but soon it will become crystal clear, like glasses cleaned in a dishwasher. V15. OK then. You can wash all of me! Jesus put his arm on Peters shoulder. Verily, verily, in truth and without a doubt, this will make sense in due course. But if youre that dusty go and take a shower first. Theres some Lynx shower gel in the bathroom, and some rather nice herbal shampoo as well. V16. And Peter headed for the bathroom taking his sponge, Donald Duck towel and a Barbie comb, a treasured gift from his little sister. Text missing V19. Jesus had just finished washing his disciples feet and was waiting Peters return. Peters dulcet tones could be heard emanating from the shower. The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray! The sun has got his hat on and hes coming out to play! V20. Jesus said rather too loudly, Bonzo Dog! and James and Andrew jumped up and anxiously looked around the room. Where did you see it Lord? asked Andrew as James reached for his staff, or rather his headless broom. Er, its nothing. Just a bit of phlegm in my throat, thats all, replied Jesus avoiding their puzzled faces. V21. Ready or not, here I come! bellowed an eager Peter from the bathroom. His few works were instantly followed by the sounds of a ripping shower curtain, toiletries bouncing on the floor and the thump of a soft but solid body, presumably Peters, meeting the floor after the ministrations of gravity. Text missing
Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2009/TB7791824/JA-N/2034/wc/3
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V77. Jesus took Pete (he preferred this name to match his new laid-back style) and James, (who had lately changed his name to Dud for reasons unknown), up the hill to a place of solitude. He felt he needed time to pray, take a hard earned rest and cut his toenails. V78. The day was hot as they approached a decrepit caf with an outside vending machine under the porch. Jesus stopped and said to the disciples, Guys, fancy a cold drink? Both Pete and Dud said Yes, man! Jesus approached the vending machine and looked at the drinks on offer. V79. Coke: Roman soldiers only. Pepsi: Roman soldiers only. Dr Pepper: Scribes and doctors of the law only. Spring water: Kosher. Permitted for all Gods children. So it looks like spring water then, said Jesus. V80. Jesus inserted two denari and pulled the lever. The coins dropped but no drinks were forthcoming. He gently banged the machine, but no drinks. He put in two further coins and pulled the lever. The coins dropped with a loud metallic jingle, but still no drinks. Jesus grasped the machine with two hands and gently rocked it to and fro. Still no drinks. He then gave it two mighty thumps with his shoulder, dislodging a cloud of fine dust from the top of the machine. But still no drinks. V81. Damn! Well have to get a drink at the Manna caf at the summit. Pricey, but it cant be helped. And Jesus led the dejected men towards the summit. Text missing V100. Pete said to Jesus, Lord, look at that vending machine which ripped us off. Its totally wrecked. Did you curse it because it didnt work? Jesus looked at him, his face full of compassion and understanding. Pete, this is a notorious area for Vandals and Goths, even with the Roman garrison nearby. After we left someone else probably tried to get a drink, failed and then lost their temper. Oh, not divine intervention then? Not this time, Pete, said Jesus. V101. They continued walking back to where the other disciples were waiting.. Text missing V125. As they were walking up the hill for the second time, Dud pointed to a small clearing, and excitedly grabbed Petes sleeve and said, Look Pete! Not only is that damn vending machine not there, but theres no caf either! And look, water is bubbling out of the ground! He rushed to Jesus and said, Lord! What does this all mean? V126. And Jesus pointed to a sign stuck in the ground. It read: DANGER! Construction Site. Dud said, Oh. I thought it might be Gods wrath or something. Text Missing V129. Jesus gathered the disciples around him and spoke to them. Guys. Ill give it to you straight, man to man, no beating about the bush! On a hot day a vending machine dispensing ice cold water can seem a blessing, but man does not live by Text missing
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Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2009/TB7791824/JA-N/2020/gg/4
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V12. Ohhhhhhhhh. Unnnnnnnnnnn. AAAAAAAAAAh!!! And Joseph hesitantly asked, Is everything all right, dear? And Mary, for it was she, shouted at him, The babys coming you idiot! Whereupon Joseph started panicking and rushed around the room knocking over the bedside table, the plant pot and the spittoon. V13. I shall get some hot water and a couple of Comfort-washed towels immediately. Ive seen those TV programmes and remember what youre supposed to do at emergency child births. So Joseph left the room and searched high and low for the soft towels but found none. Where are the damn comfy towels? He shouted, his voiced quaking with anxiety. Forget the towels and get the Sarah, the midwife. Just do what she tells you! V14. So Joseph went and found Sarah. As usual she was preparing herbs and other folk medicines for use in the village. Sarah, come quickly! Mary is about to experience the paradoxical pains and joys of childbirth. Its her first so it will be a bit of a trauma! And Sarah looked at Joseph: beads of perspiration rolling down his face, his hands nervously wringing clockwise and anti-clockwise. Under her breath she said, Its a good job men dont get pregnant or the world would really be in the shit! Text missing V22. And so the baby was born. And Joseph saw that it was a boy, and thought to himself that it would cost a bit to have him circumcised, what with all the relatives and neighbours and all. He took out his earplugs, for he was a particularly sensitive man and had found the screaming disconcerting. He spoke to Mary, Gentle. Meek. Mild. If my memory serves me. And Mary interrupted, What are you babbling about. We agreed to call him Jesus, dont you remember? V23. Sorry dear. I was away in cloud cuckoo land, what with the excitement and stress. Jesus will suit him fine. Mind you, I really think Bert has some merit. Text missing V33. And three magi knocked at the door. They had come from the west. Originally, they had come from the east but had lost their compass and overshot the mark. And Joseph opened the door and said, Sorry, very busy, inconvenient, not the right moment, youre interrupting, its private. Do you have an invite? And the chief magi, Mystic Mick, replied in broken Aramaic, for his home language was Flemish, We have followed a bright star all the way from Baghdad, where we were having our summer holiday. We thought wed drop in as were sort of, not to beat about the bush, bleeding lost. V34. And a weary Joseph replied, whilst keeping them at the door, I get this all the time you know. Its that bloody UFO light that keeps flying up and down the valley. My guess is its lost like you. But no, you cant come in! The main road to the east is down by the Holiday Inn. You should be able to find your bearings from there. Mystic Mick gave a sigh of resignation whilst thinking of his favourite word in such circumstances, Ingrate. He turned round and signalled to his companions to get back into the van and start the engine. V34. Weve left a Christmas tree by the back gate as a memento of our visit, shouted Psychic Sid, one of the other magi. Thanks! shouted Joseph as the VW camper sped away. Weird foreigners, he thought. There must be some significance in leaving firewood, but Im damned if I know what it is.
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Text missing V50. And Mary suckled Jesus, and Joseph looked away for he could see Marys breasts and he was easily embarrassed. Hows it going? he asked. The babys fine and Im fine. You were a dead loss but I dont blame you. Men usually are when it comes down to the physical. What I need now is some decent rest. It would help if you tell those shepherds singing in the yard, that the folk festival was last week, so the auditions are over! V51. So Joseph went into the yard. He listened to the singing and thought, Wonderful harmony. Just like the old barber quartets! He plucked up his courage and asked the shepherds to leave as his wife was in bed. One shepherd responded, I know what you mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Young wife, nudge, nudge. And Joseph was puzzled, for he had not heard English before and didnt know what it meant. V52. He turned round to go back, and then remembered he needed to relieve himself, when he trod on something soft and squishy. He look at his feet and realized with horror that he had stepped on sheep droppings. The shepherds had brought their animals as well as their PA system. V52. Joseph did shout at the shepherds, did swear and curse, did rail against injustice, did stomp the ground and demand divine intervention. Get back in here before I sort you out, you idiot! shouted Mary in exasperation, for she was truly knackered what with the birth and everything. V53. Joseph closed the door and took off his soiled sandals. He said to Mary, Sorry dear, I got carried away as usual. But there was no reply from Mary as she was fast asleep. So Joseph went over and gave her a kiss, and then went over to kiss his newborn son. But lo and behold, Jesus did relieve himself with gusto. Joseph decided, Best not wake Mary. Ill have to have a go at this nappy changing myself. God help me! Text missing V132...Joseph turned to look at Mary. V133. Mary kissed him and said, I know you are an upright man, Joe, but well have to wait. I dont want the noise to awaken Jesus as he needs his sleep.
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V 17. And Jesus took Peter, James and John to climb a high mountain. He made sure they all had hats, climbing boots and bottled kosher water for it would be a hard climb. The disciples raced off in front, eager to show how keen they were, while Jesus ambled along behind, deep in thought. They passed a wide variety of travellers on the path leading to the foothills. V18. After an hour a man passed by with a mounted companion. He sat hunched on the donkey and looked the worst for wear. Peter said, Thats a Samaritan. John quipped, Do you think hes a bounty hunter with his quarry? Or perhaps hes taken a hostage in order to demand a ransom? added James. Definitely suspicious, said Peter. V19. Meanwhile Jesus hailed the men, Hi, hows it going? Its OK now, said the Samaritan, my friend has just been injured but were off to the Holiday Inn (Kosher Guaranteed) Ltd, to get him sorted. Apparently he was beaten up, robbed and then dumped on the roadside by the tenant farmers hed gone to visit. Hes lucky his injuries arent too serious. Thanks for asking. V20. John looked at Jesus talking to the men and remarked, Hes always stopping and talking to people, isnt he. He shouldnt be bothering with Samaritans! V21. Jesus wished the travellers Shalom and sprinted to catch up with the disciples. When Jesus reached them he seemed to be preoccupied. Rubbing his beard he said, Interesting. Yes, interesting. Perhaps two parables maybe? Text missing V24. After a long trek they at last stood on the summit, a small rocky plateau. Suddenly there was a sound like a roaring wind and dust and mist enveloped them all. The disciples crouched down and huddled together. They could just about see Jesus silhouetted by a dazzling light. They were terrified and huddled even closer together. V25. Out of the mist two figures came and stood with Jesus. Peter: It must be Moses and Elijah. James: Im not sure. I thought Moses was seven feet tall with a huge beard. Didnt he always carry a staff as well? John: Why Moses and Elijah? What about all the other prophets like Isaiah and Ruth? Peter: Ruth was a judge, you dim wit! James: But why is it Moses and Elijah then, Peter? Peter: Because its an epilepsy. You know, Moses and the burning bush, whats his name and the burnt cakes. God coming down to humans, that sort of thing. John: Peter, I think the word is epiphany. And it was Arthur and the burnt cakes. Peter: Never mind! Whatever it is, its something special.
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James: I really should have paid more attention in bible classes. V26. Meanwhile Jesus was speaking to the two mountain rescue helicopter pilots. Im Captain Mason and this is my co-pilot Captain Lissen. Were searching for a group of pilgrims who are lost somewhere on these mountains. Its obviously not you lot. Youve done well to get to the top. The weather up here can be tricky with fog descending out of the blue and sudden changes in wind direction. Id advise you to listen to the weather forecasts next time you go on a hike. Were off. Take care. V27. The helicopter rose off the ground and switched off its spotlight. The roar was deafening and the disciples huddled closer together to avoid the swirling dust clouds. They suddenly heard a loud voice. This is (static static) Mason (static static) Lissen (static static static) well done. The helicopter tannoy was on its last legs due to financial cutbacks. Text missing V30. They walked back, exhausted from the initial climb and their frightening experiences, each disciple mulling over what had happened. Text missing V33. Jesus told them not to discuss what theyd seen until the appropriate time.
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Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2009/TB7791824/JA-N/2021/go/6
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V65. And they arrived at a town called Butlins. It was famous for its small houses, copious sand and where people prayed constantly for decent entertainment. As they entered the town a large crowd gathered, for they had heard of his healing and teaching. V66. Jesus could find no suitable place to talk to the crowd, as his megaphone was broken, and no PA system was available for hire. So he said to three disciples, Mary, Ruth, James, go to the next village. Outside the kosher caf you will see a donkey and a big old horse. Bring the horse to me. If anyone asks what you are doing, tell them I need it for a short while. Dont touch the donkey. It has psychopathic tendencies and will kick and bite! V67. And so the three disciples journeyed to the next village. They saw the two animals as predicted, but James said, Lets have a quick coffee and some bagels before we return. The walk has truly done me in and I need a rest - but youll have to loan me the money as I forgot my purse. Ruth replied, Bloody hell! Weve only walked a kilometre, hardly a marathon you plonker! Lets just do the job! V68. Mary muttered under her breath, Men are such wimps! She untied the horse, gave it a reassuring pat and started to lead it out of the village. Whereupon a young lad shouted at her, Hey cutie! The curvaceous one. Fancy a date? But straightaway an older man, gnarled with the Galilean sun (for suntan lotion was a Roman luxury), pushed him aside and shouted, Whats your game? Think you can just breeze into our village and steal Moses the mascot? V69. Ruth remembered what Jesus had told them to say in this situation, and was about to say, Jesus needs it, when James shouted at the two men, If you want to make something of it, go ahead! Im a black belt. It may look brown, but thats just dust from the road. James had said this for he had a crush on Mary. Thereupon the three men glared at each other, gritted their teeth and spat on the ground. V70. But Ruth rolled up her sleeves, exposing her tattoos and wrestlers biceps. She pushed James to one side and whispered, Idiot! To the two villagers she recounted Jesus instructions, his mission in Galilee, the feeding of the five thousand, the doctrine of original sin, three theories of salvation and how she loved horses. They were mightily impressed and agreed to accompany the disciples back to learn more about this Jesus. V80. And so they all walked back, singing hymns and psalms and praising God, although James lagged behind and was quiet. He said he was meditating, although Mary thought he was probably sulking. Text missing
V93. And Jesus climbed up the short ladder to stand on the back of Moses, for he was a huge cart horse used to pull wagon-loads of wood and other building materials during the day, and contraband syrup of figs at night. For it was a priceless medicine in those parts. V94. And Jesus thought, If I project my voice most of them should be able to hear me now. Text missing V207. And how shall I record it Lord? And Jesus smiled and replied, Perhaps, you could describe it as the Sermon on the Mount?
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V33. Jesus and the disciples were invited to a village party. Prostitutes, poll tax collectors and the local cell of the zealot party were all there, along with the usual gate crashers. The whole village had been invited but not everyone came. Text missing V41. And a young Pharisee, leaving the disco and light show, saw Jesus sitting with a prostitute in the garden. He rushed over and said, Teacher! Do you realize what this woman is! Your reputation will suffer if youre seen with her. Its bad enough that youre at a party with some really shady people! Let me take you to a private place. V42. Jesus signalled to the girl to stop talking while he replied to the interruption. Ah, Joshua. Id hoped youd come to the party. I see the rest of your friends have stayed away. A pity, but to be expected I suppose. V43. Jesus took a long sip of his non-alcoholic beer and munched a pretzel. Wiping the crumbs off his tunic, he looked at Joshua, So you think you know all about Miriam, do you? Her comforting Joseph when he lost his wife, when no one else in the village seems to have given him much attention. Cuddling young Joshua to sleep when he was bullied by his father and the men where he worked. Or that Sarah, your aunt, often found refuge with her to escape you uncles anger? V44. Yes indeed, I realize who Miriam is, but do you? She is a girl who has been waiting to find me, and at last she has. She was a plant struggling to live in arid soil, but now she has found water. You could say living water. By Gods grace she will truly blossom and bear good fruit. Text missing V49. Then Jesus put his arm round his shoulders. You too, Joshua, are living in arid soil. Come join us for a bevy and quench your thirst. The disco calls! Text missing
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V66. After his baptism, Jesus was pushed by the Spirit into the desert. V67. Dont I get chance to change my wet clothes and dry my hair then?.Stop being in such a hurry, I know its importantYes, yes, I know: Forty days with no time off for good behaviour, yes, yes, yes. Jesus dwelt in the desert and contemplated the past, the present and the future. When he wanted to relax he built sandcastles in the shape of the Tower of Babel, one of his favourite bible stories. V68. And the Tempter came. He parked his Ferrari and, resplendent in an immaculate cream suit and Panama hat, walked up to Jesus. Hi, Im the Devil, in case you didnt know. Ive got some really good suggestions. Mind if I run them past you? V69. Why dont you turn those rocks into bagels? A nice bottle of wine, some Cheshire cheese, a few grapes and apples. You know, a picnic. You could get some designer clothes, have a shave and a decent haircut. We could get some girls and have a REALLY good time, nudge, nudge. V70. Jesus looked up and said, Man cant survive just by feeding his body. He needs to hear the word of God. V71. OK then, spoilsport! said the Tempter, and he took them to Blackpool Tower. He offered Jesus some candy floss, but was politely refused. If you are the Son of God, show it! Youre better than Houdini, Uri Geller, David Blain and all the rest. Zap the world with your powers! I can get it broadcast worldwide on Sky at prime time! V72. Dont put God to the test and irritate Him with trifles. Dull, dull, dull! said the Tempter. He took them both to the top of the Empire State Building in New York. He offered Jesus a can of Carling lager, but it was again refused. V73. From here, look at all the Multi-national corporations in the world. See the stock markets, the banks, the financial institutions. I have them all and I can give them to you. Youll become the CEO of the biggest corporation in the world. Youll tell governments what to do. You will rule the world without a shadow of a doubt! V74. All you have to do is just admit that Im really the boss, and always have been. Simple. V75. Jesus stood up and looked the Tempter in the face. When will you understand the first commandment, Worship only God, and serve him V76. The Tempter shrugged his shoulders. Stupid. Infantile. Misguided. You just cant see what youre missing. You could be on easy street, but no. But let me tell you, its not finished yet. Not by a long chalk. Ill be around. V77. They were back in the desert. The Tempter started his Ferrari, the V8 making a low growling sound with a slight whisper from the turbocharger. Dont eat too many rocks. You might break your teeth! And with that final comment he was off. Jesus said to himself, What a boring fart.
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V17. After teaching them in parables, Jesus was zapped and needed to chill out. He told his disciples they should take a couple of boats and go to the other side of the Sea of Galilee. He knew of a secluded beach, away from the tourist hot spots, where they could relax in privacy, recharge their batteries and wash their clothes. V18. They hired several small pleasure boats and set out for the far shore. It was a glorious day, with only the calls of the seagulls and the putt putt of the engines disturbing the tranquility. Jesus curled up in the back* of the boat and went to sleep on an inflatable dolphin provided by the captain. V19. The disciples amused themselves whilst Jesus slept. Some repaired nets. Since the Roman occupation, hair nets had become the height of fashion. As they were easily broken, poor girls would often ask skilled fishermen to repair them. V20. Others played dice, another innovation introduced by the Romans. Peter threw four dice and counted their faces. Then Matthew threw four dice and counted the faces. The other players did likewise. This throwing and counting would continue for as long as the players wished. They hadnt learnt the rest of the rules so it did sometimes lead to frustration, but more often than not, a sort of pleasant hypnotic trance. Text missing V24. The Sea of Galilee was notorious for fogs, frogs, mines and sudden storms. After about an hour the water became choppy and the disciples agitated. Within ten minutes a mist started to form and became so thick they decided theyd better call it a fog. The boat was now rocking quite violently from side to side**. The disciples had become exceedingly alarmed. V25. Then it went almost dark, the boat crashed against the swell, water washed over the sides and a loud noise made conversation almost impossible. The disciples shook Jesus awake and screamed at him, Master, Master, its the end of the world! Were all going to die! HELP! SAVE US! V26. Jesus half asleep, stood up, rubbed the sleep from his eyes and shouted, CALM DOWN! STOP! SILENCE! The noise abated, the violent rocking of the boat gently subsided and slowly the mist, or possibly fog, started to disperse. The overjoyed disciples raised a cheer, Jesus is our captain, our captain, our captain. Jesus is our captain he stills the nasty storm! V27. Can I get some kip now? Jesus asked. He sat down, covered his head with a blanket, and then lay on the deck***. Random thoughts drifted through his mind as he fell asleep. Tea and crumpets? Tea and bagels? Bordeaux and bagels? No. Bread and wine. V28. The disciples quietly talked amongst themselves. What cant he do? Bloody amazing! Mind boggling! Definitely out of this world! Text missing V30. The disciples were enjoying the sun again, having regained their sense of security, and paid no attention to the turbulent water and foggy smoke rapidly disappearing in the distance. Nor did they notice the just visible stern of the SPQR Caesar Augustus, a large military hydrofoil making its regular security patrol around the Sea.
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*stern to the nautically knowledgeable. **port to starboard or vice versa. ***floor to the nautically challenged.
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the Gossip.
V3. Jesus told the disciples to find a boat and go on ahead to the other side of the lake, hed join them later. After the feeding of the 4,948 men, (it would have been 5,000 but 52 were either fasting or on a diet), the disciples were certainly eager for a break, however short. V4. Jesus dismissed the crowds, encouraging them to pick up any litter, and take it back with them, as All should care for Gods creation. The throng dispersed, eagerly talking and discussing amongst themselves all that Jesus had said and done, as well as his sense of fashion. The roads were choc-a-block, the station was mobbed and there were no taxis to be had. It had indeed been a once in a lifetime event for the town. V5. As usual after preaching and teaching, Jesus intended to go into the hills to pray and reflect. There was no one waiting at the Transit Romanus, the newly opened Roman cable car, but Jesus quickly saw why: it had been sabotaged by Zealot terrorists. So he continued his journey on foot. Meanwhile the disciples were in the boat resting, chatting and generally taking it easy. V6. Some time later, they noticed the water was no longer calm but had become a heavy swell with large waves. Then they noticed a figure coming towards them. They freaked out in disbelief: It must be a ghost! Its an evil sea spirit! Its the creature from the Black Lagoon! But at once Jesus called out to them, Fools! Its only me! Just calm down! V7. Peter was the first to speak, If its you Lord, tell me to come and join you. Jesus said, Come on then, the waters great. Peter climbed out of the boat and started towards Jesus. He immediately began to sink. Save me Lord! he shouted, and Jesus grabbed him by the arm. V8. How is it possible Lord? Peter asked, For you to walk on water? Why couldnt I manage to do it? V9. Jesus smiled and put his arm round Peters shoulder. Its a question of having trust, balance and in your case, listening. It really isnt a case of walking on water. If you wanted to join me you should have used your surf board. Dont you remember the time I taught you all to surf? You may be an expert fisherman but you have a lousy memory! An embarrassed Peter replied, Er, umm. I was a bit confused in the heat of the moment. Text missing V20. Although Jesus was an accomplished surfer, it was Matthew who excelled that day Text missing V27. The disciples put the surfboards into storage as they were nearing the land of Gennesaret, and the start of the next mission. Text missing
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V18. After sleeping on the Mount of Olives, Jesus and the disciples went to the Temple first thing in the morning. They were all in good spirits having eaten a full kosher breakfast, washed down with copious quantities of Earl Gray tea. Text missing V22. Jesus had finished playing hopscotch with the children. He had encouraged his disciples to join in, Exercise is good for the body and the mind you know. Some had, but only for a short while. Now the kids tugged at Jesus sleeve and dragged him over to play marbles on a flat piece of ground near the Temple gate. Text missing V25. He had started his third game when officials pushed a woman to stand in front of him. Rabbi, this woman was caught in flagrante delicto. According to the Law of Moses there can only be one punishment. Whats your opinion? Jesus continued to play, rolling his marble into an almost winning position. V26. They asked him again, Rabbi, what do you consider is the right thing to do? Jesus continued playing and gave a subdued gasp when his marble was knocked out of the ring by his opponent. Must do better he muttered to himself. V27. A senior official stepped directly in front of him, barely containing his frustration, and said, Great and illustrious Master. Can we have your exulted opinion on this crucial matter of law and social ethics? If you would be so gracious? Jesus looked at the man. First you speak in some foreign tongue and then you resort to sarcasm. I dont know what youre after. V28. The official went red in the face and shouted, She was having it off and it wasnt with her husband! V29. Jesus had rolled his last marble and lost the game. Not again! He looked up at the official, If thats the case, let anyone who is free from guilt, grab a large stone and kill her. All the men looked disconcerted. They huddled together and started to whisper amongst themselves. V30. The senior official returned to speak to Jesus again, and raising his voice he said, But there are no stones here! Its all sand and earth! Oops, said Jesus, I never notice that. V31. But you could easily get some stones, or you could bless God for his divine providence. He has taken away the temptation for you to sin. Hearing this, the crowd broke up, relieved that no one had had to expose his private shame. The woman was left standing with Jesus and the children. God does not condemn you. So go and love the One who loves you. V32. Jesus looked down as a small boy tugged at his robe. But first stay, and help me win at least one game of marbles! Text Missing
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the Gossip.
V16. Jesus and his family were on their way to Jerusalem, for he was a teenager and it was time for his Purification. Many other families went with them, some to perform the same ritual, others as a chance to visit the Temple. Jesus and the other kids were packed on a separate coach as the adults found them too excited and raucous. Text missing V20. Some of the older boys were proclaiming that men were better than women. After all, wasnt God a Father? Didnt women have to be separated in the synagogue and especially the Temple? And wasnt there that strange time when women were unclean? V21. Jesus wasnt really paying attention to the discussion until he noticed his cousin Sarah starting to cry. He went over and sat down on the seat next to her. Were not worthless, are we Jesus? she pleaded, wiping the tears from her cheeks. No, of course not Sarah, he said, as he held her hand. V22. Then Jesus stood up, looked over the back of the seat and said to loudest boy, Have you studied Genesis properly then? God created man in the image of himself, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. If he created male and female in his image, doesnt that mean we should consider God both as our Father and our Mother? I could quote some other scripture as well? V23. Dont bother. Thats not what a rabbi would say. Youre just making things up! But he and the other boys stayed silent for a while, until they drove past some Roman soldiers. Then they started to discuss how they would join the Zealots and free Zion when they were older. V24. Jesus told Sarah all he had learnt about God from his parents and the scriptures. Although of the same age, she was embarrassed by his earnestness yet spellbound by his honesty and enthusiasm. Jesus was happy that she was eager to listen to him and ignored the taunts: Wait til we tell your dad who you sat next to! Whats your mum going to think! Youll have to marry her now! Youll never be a Zealot, youre too soft! The boys then shouted a refrain, What a friend we have in Jesus, what a friend we have in Jesus, what a friend we have in Jesus, but only if youre a girl! Text missing V33. After his purification, the families met up and went site seeing. Jesus found Sarah still distressed so they walked around together holding hands. Around the Temple was the usual collection of booths selling souvenirs: pieces of the first and greatest Temple, carvings of Jewish heroes like Moses and Abraham, miniature harps based on Kind Davids and models of the Ark of the Covenant, some in kit form. V34. Jesus asked his father Joseph why the models of Bathsheba and Delilah has such skimpy clothes and large breasts. Joseph blushed and said, I dont really know. Perhaps its to symbolize that they were sinful, maybe? V35. Tired from walking they sat down at Rabbi McDonalds a famous kosher snack bar, and Joseph bought drinks for the family and Sarah. Souvenirs are a bit naff really, said Joseph. But you can spend your pocket money on anything you like. Not on that rubbish! replied Jesus, you could make better stuff in your workshop, Dad. Text missing
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V40. Jesus and Sarah, hand in hand, went up the Temple steps and started to go inside. They were stopped by an official who said, Sorry kids, but its men only in here. The women go over there. V41. Jesus was furious and stepped forward shouting, God asked us to come in! Sarah put her arms round his neck and said, Jesus please dont, youll get hurt. Its not worth it to argue. I believe what you said about God, but this is how it must be until the Temple changes. Text missing V60. On the way home Jesus and Sarah shared the same seat. She had not really spoken to him much in Nazareth, but now she regarded him as a good friend. Best of all, he had made her happy about being a woman. She looked out of the window and felt at peace. V61. Jesus sat quietly. His mind was focussed on two burning questions: Why wouldnt the Temple let him and Sarah speak to God together? Why were women treated differently? He sifted through all the scriptures he could remember to find some answers. He would also have to ask Mum and Dad when he got home.
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the Gossip.
V15. Oh, the times they are a-changing, Mary sang as she returned from the synagogue. Who wrote that? asked Jesus. I think it was some minor prophet in the Oral Torah. Bob Dylan I think, but Im not sure. Ive not heard of him, said Jesus, But I bet youve been talking about John the Baptizer! V16. Everyone in the village is talking about him. Theyre so excited about what it could mean. Some have already gone from the village to the Jordan to find him, said Mary. Then she looked intently at her son and changed the direction of the conversation. Joseph always said the firstborn was usually the odd one out in the family. And youre no exception. I know youve been brooding about you and God for ages, especially since Joseph died, so if you really must, youd better go and see John yourself. Go with my blessing. V17. Jesus jumped up and put his arms around his mother. Thanks Mum. I knew youd understand just like Dad did. Later that evening the family discussed arrangements: Who would be head of the household, who was allowed to drive the pick up, who could use Jesus old motorbike, who would have Jesus bed by the window, who would vet his sisters suitors and much, much more. Text missing V29. Jesus had kissed and hugged almost everyone in the village. Hed been invited to more meals than he could remember and he had said and received enough Shaloms to last a lifetime. Now he picked up his fathers old rucksack, packed with his mothers cooking, and made his way out of Nazareth. Text missing V60. Jesus saw the psychedelic campervan at the last moment, with a tall dishevelled man sitting on its steps. The man turned at his approach and shouted, Hi man! Jesus replied, Its not Herman but Jesus, Shalom to you! John replied, for it was he, Welcome brother! If youre John, I think it should be cousin said Jesus with a grin. V61. They met and shook hands. Jesus looked at John and thought he was just as people described him: Afro hair style with a multi-coloured head band, Afghan waistcoat over a dirty white tee-shirt, dirty yellow flairs and well worn sandals, not to mention innumerable beads and bangles dangling from his neck. He reminded Jesus of Jimi Hendrix, although he couldnt remember how he knew about him. V62. You must be starving after your journey, so sit down and Ill get some grub. John picked up his mobile and ordered a take-away. Within ten minutes a camel with red and yellow stripes, with the logo Peshwari Pizzas (guaranteed kosher), arrived. John had ordered a large honey and locusts pizza for himself and a cheese and tomato for Jesus. John offered Jesus a piece of his pizza, but Jesus refused saying he only like plain food. Text missing V101. John was reluctant to baptize Jesus, for he saw something in his eyes and in his manner that made him feel out of place. Nevertheless they now both stood waist deep in the Jordan, as John pushed Jesus under the water, saying his usual prayer, Big Boss, bless and redeem your child. Amen V102. When Jesus came up out of the water, he gasped for breath, for John had held him submerged for longer than he expected. The sun finally broke through the clouds in a shaft of blazing light, and out of the corner of his eye Jesus saw a dove fly by, just before he fainted and fell back into the water. John also saw
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the sun and the dove, and wondered if hed eaten any mushrooms that morning. He shouted, A sign! So groovy! before he rescued Jesus, dragging him out of the water. Text missing V109. John listened intently to Jesus recounting what had happened. I heard a voice saying Je taime, Je taime and I felt Id been given a job to do! Far out man! God is a really spaced out dude, and youd better listen with both ears! said John. I dont understand it yet and before I do anything, Ive got to be clear in my own mind. Can I stay here for a while? Sure thing, its cool, said John, as he leaned to rest against the vans door and took another drag from his pipe. Text missing V121. Theres no place like the desert for getting closer to the Boss Man, said John reflectively. Theres also no place like the desert for dying as well! he said with a laugh. But does it have to be locusts and honey? Isnt there anything else out there? queried Jesus, wondering what lay ahead. He had enjoyed camping with the scouts but this was different: no torches, pots and pans or even matches that lit even when wet. But solitude was necessary to find some answers. So he listened intently as John told him all hed learned about desert living. Text missing V125. Jesus said goodbye and left John sitting once more on the campervan steps, singing a song he recalled his mother singing. From that funny prophet Bob Dylan, Come gather round people throughout the landdont understandand the first one now, will later be lastfor the times they are achanging. V126. As he walked in the blistering sun, snatches of songs from his childhood drifted into his mind: Reach out- Ill be there..I did it my way.I was born under a wandering starKnock knock knocking on heavens door..I feel free.he wished his mother was there to sing them again, but he knew he needed to face his future, so he quickened his pace and stared resolutely at the path ahead.
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Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2010/TB7791826/JA-N/2028/pg/14
the Gossip.
V78. Jesus and the disciples were in an upper room. They had just finished the evening meal and were burping and farting copiously, for no women were present. The female disciples had been invited to a hen night and were looking forward to music, dancing and hearing the latest risqu jokes about Samson and Delilah. They would definitely not be back until the early hours. V79. Andrew leaned towards Jesus and spoke, Master, can you tell us one of your haggada?* And why not! responded Jesus. Hearing this, the disciples clustered round Jesus and made themselves comfortable. V80. There was a successful and rich farmer. He was a very clever and industrious man. Andrew: What sort of farmer was he? I mean, did he grow figs, olives and grapes or did he have goats and sheep? Matthew: I bet he grew olives! Everyone knows that olives and olive oil are a real money earner. The Romans get good taxes out of olive growers! Thomas: But grapes are used to make wine. Wine makes plenty of money. John: If he was a farmer he wouldnt have animals would he? If he had sheep youd call him a herder or husbandman? V81. Jesus put his hand up to stop the talking. In this particular instance I dont think it really matters. Just remember he was successful and wealthy. Where was I? Ah, yes: this rich farmer had had a bumper harvest for three successive years and this year was looking good. He decided it would be sensible to increase his storage capacity by enlarging his sheds and building a new barn. V82. Andrew: Well this couldnt be in Galilee as weve never had good harvest for more than two years running. John: Youre right there Andrew. I spoke to a farmer last week and he said this year is going to be pretty dire, and no mistake. Peter: Is that right? Ive an uncle near Tel Aviv. Id better ask his how hes doing. V83. Jesus put up his hand again. Shall we get back to the narrative? Anyway, this farmer decided to invest more capital in his business: alterations to his sheds, a new barn, new perimeter walls, a new driveway, and a tennis court and possibly a swimming pool.
V84. Thomas: Pretty impressive, eh? Matthew: I bet hed been to agricultural college. If you go to college you have a head start over everyone else! Nat (for he never liked being called Nathaniel): Whats a tennis court? V85. Can we get back to the story? Rich farmer. Four good years. Decides to invest. Andrew: I thought you said three good years and the current year was looking good? To be certain you
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wouldnt count it until after the harvest, would you? James, (whod been listening intently throughout): I remember this story. He built his barn on sand, didnt he? Jesus stroked his hair and said, OK then, just to be accurate, three good years and the possibility that this year would be another good year. And no, he didnt build on sand. Thats another story. Is that OK? V86. So anyway, God has ordained that the farmer is soon to die. Which means, of course, he wont be able to enjoy his accumulated riches? And. Peter: But if he had sons, theyll enjoy their inheritance, wont they? Andrew: And dont forget his daughters, that is if he had any, for theyll benefit as well. John: Thats just what happened to my uncle in Jerusalem. He had a spinning business that did very well, thank you. When he died his kids were set up for life! Nat: If this is the story about the prodigal son, I dont remember this bit? V87. And Jesus put his head in his hands and became quiet. He mumbled to himself, I just dont believe it! Then he stood up and said to the disciples, Lets go for a walk. The air is cool, theres fragrance in the air, and the setting sun has turned the sky to a mandarin orange. Ill tell you a different story, one youve not heard before. Its about a rabbi who would only teach mute disciples. Text missing V90. As they started walking, the disciples were busily talking amongst themselves. Andrew: Nat, do you really not remember the story about the prodigal son? John: Are you sure it wasnt the prodigal sons, Andrew, two of them? Nat: Were they twins then? Text missing
*Hebrew for story or tale that contains a moral or spiritual purpose.
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Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2010/TB7891826/JA-N/2022/pg/15
the Gossip.
V12. The disciples and Jesus were sitting under a large palm tree relaxing after a day filled with preaching, teaching, healing and miracles amongst a host of other things. James and John went up to Jesus and John said, Master, can you repeat the story you told this afternoon, only my brother and I missed most of it. Hows that? asked Jesus. Well, we met a man from Caesarea and he had all the results of the chariot races from last week. Before we became your disciples we followed the sport, so it was like a blast from the past, if you know what I mean. We just couldnt miss the opportunity to hear how the teams were doing. V13. OK then. Sit down and give me your full attention! Ill begin: There is a city called London. Its quite a distance from Jerusalem. You may not have heard of it but its a very large city of stone, brick and paved roads. One morning a riding school went down the road. Horses being horses a large mound of horse muck was left on the road. V14. In the heat of the day the heap started to stink and hundreds of flies buzzed around it. A bishop was walking along the road heading for his cathedral. He was so busy with his ipod that he didnt notice the pile of muck until the last moment. He was so surprised that he dropped his ipod right into the middle of the mound, where it sank without trace. Oh bloody damn! he shouted, as he simply couldnt bear the thought of touching the stinking mound. I cant do without my ipod! So he rushed away to find a shop that sold them. V15. A little later a celebrity turned into the road. She was a movie star and did TV ads for expensive fragrances. She was checking her make-up in a mirror, so she didnt see the pile and stepped straight in it. Aghhhhhhhhhhh! she screamed. My Armani! My Gucci! All covered in this filth! Crying she pulled out her mobile phone and ordered her chauffeur to come and collect her at once. She threw away her shoes and waited to be picked up. She was desperate to throw away her soiled clothes and buy some more. V16. At the end of the evening, a pensioner was walking home pulling her shopping trolley full of the weeks groceries. She saw the heap from a distance and her eyes lit up. She hurried to make sure it was what she hoped it was. When she found it was, she emptied all her shopping in the road and filled her trolley with as much manure as she could cram in. Smiling she made her way home, completely oblivious to the people who gave her and her smelly trolley a wide berth. V17. When the old lady got home she rushed into her back garden. As she approached her rose bed she said, Hello my lovelies. Guess what Ive got for you!. And thats the end of the story, said Jesus. V18. John looked at Jesus with a frown and said, Actually I do remember it after all. I thought I must have missed some bits. But can I ask you a few questions? Sure, go ahead, said Jesus. Well, for a start, whats an ipod? Text missing V78. So it is a parable about the Kingdom after all! shouted John, after listening to a detailed explanation. Text missing
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the Gossip.
V21. Jesus and his disciples came to the town of SICCAR. It was so named because it had one predominant industry, namely the manufacture of chariots. Hence the name derived from Samaritan Industries Chariot Construction And Repair. V22. They were all tired after their long journey, so the disciples went to buy food while Jesus went to find the towns famous well. Josephs Well? inquired Jesus of a passer-by. I didnt know he was ill, so thats good news then. Sorry, cant stop. Im late for the afternoon shift! Jesus then stopped a woman with three children. Do you know Josephs Well? Good for him! Sorry cant stop as the twins are having their circumcision this afternoon! she said as she hurried away. V23. Jesus turned a corner and was about to ask another pedestrian when he saw it: Josephs Well, and beside it a busy refreshment stall. Relieved, he walked over and sat at a table and ordered a kosher spring water. He sipped it slowly, as the ice had made it dangerously cold, and noticed the woman at his table. She was intently flipping over the pages of a magazine. She was a Samaritan, for she wore a scarf declaring, Samaria for the World Cup V24. Hi there, Im Jesus. Can I ask what youre reading? It looks important. She lifted up her head and replied, Hi, Im Rebecca. This is the latest issue of Modern Lifestyles. It has articles on clothing, makeup, interior design and exclusive holidays on the Red Sea coast and lots of other stuff. Its the bees knees if you want to be where its at! V25. Jesus smiled and spoke again. Im sorry but Ive never heard of it. So you want to be, where its at then? Well, sort of, she said, Im not really sure. All I know is that life seems sort of drab and uninteresting at the moment. The thought of changing my lifestyle appeals, like it could be an answer to my prayers. Ive been reading these articles: Be Happy: Ten steps to happiness and this, Guru reveals how to live blissfully, and Ive just finished How interiors can affect your well being. V26. Jesus leaned towards her and whispered in her ear, Can I share something with you? The lifestyles on offer in that magazine are like drinking water when youre thirsty. They quench your thirst, but too soon you become thirsty again. It ends up being a vicious circle. To quench the thirst that youre talking about, you need something totally different. You might call it living water. V27. The woman had become quite animated and looked intently at Jesus. Go on then. Explain what this living water is. Where do you get it? Its not one of them Essene cults is it, or Zoroastrianism or those other funny religions like psychoanalysis? Jesus smiled and said, No, its not a funny cult or weird religion. Nor will you find it in a magazine. I suppose you could say its like re-discovering the God you thought you knew. V28. Youre a Galilean, but you know about our God then? Tell me more about this God. Is he the living water? Just then a karaoke started up in the adjoining restaurant. A woman with a high pitched voice was singing, I aint got no satisfaction, no, no, no! Jesus beckoned for the woman to go with him to a quieter table. That song was rather a coincidence, dont you think? Text missing V44. The disciples came back carrying takeaways. They searched amongst the people sitting at the refreshment stall but couldnt find Jesus. Peter went and spoke to the stall owner. Have you seen a man in a white outfit, white hat, with two guns and a mask? No, said the man. Well have you seen a tall athletic man with long hair, a beard and sandals? No was the reply. OK then. Have you seen a short
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man, in a tatty cloak covered in dust, with a twinkle in his eyes? Oh him. Hes over there by the well Thank goodness for that! said Peter and he took the rest of the disciples over to the well. V45. As they drew nearer they saw Jesus and the Samarian women both laughing hysterically with tears rolling down their faces. Peter said, Hes done it again! Hes so incorrigible! Text missing
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the Gossip.
V78. With what should I compare the Kingdom? asked Jesus rhetorically, for he did not expect any of the crowd to reply. But someone shouted, With an empire! Or a dynasty!? said another. What about a Roman conquest!? Dont be silly, thats not a kingdom! And then the crowd erupted into heated arguments about what a kingdom was or wasnt. V79. Jesus raised his hand as well as his voice and spoke. Im referring to the Kingdom of God, and if youre patient, Ill tell you what its like. A middle aged woman shouted, Go on then rabbi, were all ears! V80. Quite. Well as I was saying, the Kingdom is like a taxi driver. He drives up and down the road on the lookout for customers. He first spots an attractive film star, her slim arms waving to flag him down. The traffic is very heavy so it will take him a bit of time to get over to her side of the road. Whilst hes manoeuvring he also sees a grey haired rabbi, bent double and leaning on a walking stick. Hes lifting his hand to flag down the taxi as well. V81. The taxi driver is still weaving his way through the slow-moving traffic. Hes almost reached his fare when he spots an Arab sheik standing further down the road outside a five star hotel. He too is waving for a taxi. The taxi driver immediately accelerates to ensure he gets to this fare first. Text missing V84. Jesus! Jesus! I have a question. Jesus looks at the man whos jumping up and down with his hand in the air. Ask your question then. I did find some of the parable strange, to say the least, but what I really want to know is, which film star was it? Text missing V86. OK then, so I cant imagine Emma Thompson as the film star. But Im not too keen on Barbara Streisand, even if she is more in keeping with the genre. Text missing V90. Woody Allen would make a great rabbi, much better Robert Redford. Although I must admit that Martin Buber would be a good choice too, although hes actually an author. Text missing
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the Gossip.
V78. It was time to journey to Jerusalem. Jesus told the disciples to gather their rucksacks and cooler bags in readiness. Coincidentally, Pontius Pilate was also on his way to Jerusalem. His private Zeppelin could be seen overhead, its silver torso gracefully heading westward, its four engines humming in unison. A triumph of technology and the tax system. V79. As Jesus was leaving the village, a man frantically pushed through the crowd and stopped in front of him. He fell on his knees and said, Sorry about this but I keep tripping up on my sandal straps. I will get them fixed ASAP. But what I want to ask you, is will you cure my son? V80. Jesus helped him to his feet and steadied him while he tied his sandals. So what is the problem? The man told him, At home my son has these funny turns. He locks himself in his room and utters strange words. He does this for hours, shouting and screaming to himself. Ive tried everything, including garlic, but nothing seems to work. Your disciples tried to help but no matter what they did nothing worked. V81. Jesus stroked his chin, for he hadnt shaved in a while, and asked the man, What sort of things does he say? I need to know in order to understand the genesis of his condition. First the diagnosis, then the cure. Take me to your house and tell me more. V82. So the man, Jesus and the disciples walked back into the village. It all started when he found this small square box. He took it to his room and never let anyone see it. Since that day he spends hours in his room shouting, humming and talking to himself. He just grins all the time. V83. So what does he say, asked Jesus. The man whispered furtively, things like, Beam me up Scottie; Set phasars on stun; Yes, doctor McCoy. Recently its included other words like: Darleks; Big Brother; and Britains got Talent. None of it makes any sense. Is he possessed? Is it a demon speaking? V84. I think youre close to the mark, said Jesus. By now they had reached the house. The man ushered Jesus inside. Jesus entered but left the disciples outside, for it was a massage parlour for Romans, a service that the disciples had not encountered before and ought to avoid. V85. The father took Jesus upstairs to see his son. When they entered his room he was staring into space repeating the words Broadband, Broadband. Jesus placed his hands on the boys shoulders and said in a loud, commanding voice: Sky. Out! Sky. Out! The boy fainted and fell to the floor. Text missing
V90. The disciples asked Jesus why they had been unable to cure the boy, as they had healed many others possessed by demons. Jesus told them that this type of affliction was tenacious. It demanded intense prayer: supplication, petition, wringing of hands as well as existential awareness and dedication. Andrew said, Phew. Thats heavy man! V91. Jesus told the disciples that powerful satanic forces were at work which entrapped mens minds and wills. They had to target the source of the evil which hovered between man and God. It was a titanic struggle, but they would all need to win such battles. He reassured them that they would indeed see Satans forces fall in flames from the skies. But they should beware of bits of solar panels and satellite casing, which might not hurt their faith but would dent their bodies. V92. He would teach them in due course. First they had to understand the basics, then pass the exams in
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Basic Demonology and Digital Processors. Only then they would be given instructions in Sky Demons.
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Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2010/TB7641824/JA-N/2020/kg/19
the Gossip.
V12. They arrived at the Mount of Figs. Jesus had intended to journey to the Mount of Olives, but hed heard it was overrun with tourists at this time of year. In contrast, the Mount of Figs was off the beaten track, although often visited by Roman women for its famous syrup. V13. Jesus had told the disciples that he wanted to spend time clarifying his mission with them. He had only taken the twelve, as he proposed to lead a seminar. The disciples werent sure what a seminar was and were hoping it was some sort of entertainment. Text missing V14. After they had finished eating from the Bar-B-Q, Jesus and his disciples sat down under the trees and chatted, a few cavorted and two practiced break-dancing. The seminar was planned for the morning, so they could relax. Jesus asked, Whats the word on the street? What do people say I am? V15. Matthew spoke first. I heard some say you are John the Baptizer resurrected. I told him he was a fool. John was at least a foot taller than you, rabbi. James spoke next, John was a sort of prophet wasnt he? So the bloke almost got it right? For quite a few people think youre one of the prophets from the past. V16. So which prophets are we thinking about then? interjected Thomas. Well theres Elijah, Elisha, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Hermes Matthew interrupted, OK, theres no need to list every prophet you can think of. We get the drift. Judas quietly added, I dont think Hermes was a prophet in the scriptures. But I might be wrong. V17. John finished his kebab, wiped his mouth and joined in the conversation. Well I heard someone say you were Robert Powell, but Ive never heard that name before, have you rabbi? Hes not someone well known in Galilee, so you wouldnt have heard of him, responded Jesus. V18. I came across some Pharisees arguing that you had to be a disciple of Hillel but others saying you had to be a follower of Shammi, as you were stricter. Before we met you rabbi, did you know those teachers? Jesus just said, Not really. V19. Andrew spoke for the first time. In Hebron, I listened to a man who insisted you were an alien from Mars or some such planet. He collected quite a crowd. He said hed seen the silver ship that brought you to earth, and he saw the crew levitating. I told him he was talking rubbish. It was the Transcendental Meditation people who levitated, not us! V20. So thats what people think, is it, said Jesus, But what about you? V21. James responded, Thats a difficult one rabbi. The word that comes to mind is paradox, as in, youre neither this nor that. Hedging your bets as usual, James. What about the rest of you? Matthew whispered to Thomas, I didnt know we were having a test today. I havent done any homework. I hope he doesnt ask me! V22. I know, I know, said Peter raising his hand, youre the Appointed One. Jesus: Sorry. Who? Peter: You know, the APPOINTED ONE! Priestly blessings, oil on head, etc etc. Jesus: Ah.The Anointed one. Is that who you mean? Peter: Yes. The Appointed One. Hes also called the Miss Choir or some such.
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Jesus looked at Peter with a deep frown on his face. Jesus: Peter: Miss Choir? Yes. Miss Choir or Mass Choir or maybe Mess Choir. It might even be Mass Hire or Mess Hire. I just cant remember the precise words!
A look of recognition suffused Jesus face. Jesus: Peter: Perhaps you mean the Messiah? So we get there in the end! Thats right. The MESS HIRE, just like I said.
V23. Jesus let out a deep sigh. Before we go any further Peter, could you go and sort out your hearing. Theres a shower block just behind the fig press.. Text missing
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Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2010/TB7793343/JA-N/2020/cp/20
the Gossip.
V22. Nathanael was attempting to fix the outboard motor but was having a frustrating time. The manual was a Hebrew translation of the original Japanese, but it only seemed to make sense every fourth page. He would soon be uttering profanities if he couldnt make any headway soon. V23. Philip burst into the workshop and shouted at his brother, Nat, theres this brilliant bloke in the town square. He knows his scripture and it all makes sense. Hes amazing! Nathanael placed a spanner on the page he was reading and looked up at his brother. Is he as amazing as the so cool chariot racer you met last week? Or the boat salesman with the sideline in romantic poetry? You need to watch yourself Philip or youll be seduced by every charmer from here to Glasgow, wherever that is! V24. No, its not like that. Not this time anyway. This bloke is spiritual, you know, like a prophet or holy man. V25. Is that spiritual as in another messianic preacher who wants a down-payment to secure your place in the heavenly realm? Or is it another of the, I can prove god is an alien brigade or last weeks hippy types, Eat these mushrooms and youll become as gods, rubbish? V26. All right! Youve made your point. But really, this bloke is something else. You must come and see him Nat! Nathanael thought for a while until a small smile appeared on his face. Philip. Ill come if you do me a small favour. Hold this wire on top of the spark plug. I just need to check that its firing OK. Im going to turn the engine over now Text missing V33. Jesus saw the brothers approaching. He smiled and looked at Nathanael, Truly, you are a Hebrew in who there is no deceit. Really? queried Nathanael. You sure? No deceit? V34. No deceit, but a brotherly sense of humour! I loved the spark plug trick! said Jesus. How did you know about that? queried a shaken Nathanael. Rabbi, you must be something else and no mistake. Philip was right on, for once! Text missing V37. Let me tell you something about the Kingdom Text missing V40. Jesus said, So, come and join us. There are many fish but few chips. The harvest has gone awry. Ill make you swimmers for men. A perplexed Nathanael looked at Philip and a confused Philip looked back. Sorry guys, my joke. Ive always liked Surrealism. But yes, do come and join us. As he spoke, he reached into his tunic, pulled out two pairs of Y-fronts, and returned them to the astounded brothers. Jesus grinned, Remember, the Kingdom is not just hard work. No sir, we have some fun and games as well! V41. He put his arms on their shoulders and pulled them closer. You may or may not believe it, he whispered, but I was once tempted to become a full-time magician. But thats another story. Text missing
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V49. Philip. How did Jesus know about the trick I played on you? Is he psychic? I dont think so Nat. He probably noticed the fact that my hair was frazzled and still smouldering. Yeah. Thats probably it. Do you think?
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the Gossip.
V78. Jesus was visiting Lazarus and his sisters on his way to Jerusalem. It would be for the last time. He arrived with his disciples to the usual warm and rowdy welcome, and soon they were sitting in the cool of the courtyard resting after their journey. V79. Jesus started talking about the Kingdom of God and answering questions from the disciples. Whenever they had time to relax, he would use the opportunity to explain his recent teachings. Mary joined the disciples to listen to Jesus, sitting at his feet on a stool he had made for her on an earlier visit. He had said he was out of practice, but in fact it was good and sturdy and her prize possession. V80. Since Mary had passed her shorthand exam, she wanted to use her notebook and pencil at every opportunity. So she sat there writing copious notes and frequently interrupting the discussions to clarify a point or ask questions of her own. Text missing V81. A red faced Martha stood at the door to the kitchen. Jesus! she shouted, tell Mary to come and give me a hand. Im getting your beds ready and trying to prepare a meal at the same time! She put her hands over her eyes and started to sob, I just cant do it on my own, I just cant. V82. Jesus got up and rushed to her and grasped her in his arms. Martha, Martha. Im sorry. Its my fault. We should have offered to give you a hand. Please dont worry about anything. Come over here and join us. He led Martha to the bench and sat her down next to him, putting his arm around her shoulder. V83. I am sorry Martha. What Im talking about is so very important, but we should have been mindful of your needs as well. Im sorry Jesus, said Martha as she dried her tears, its just that we dont see enough of you. If I spend all my time in the kitchen, Ill miss you again, and she started to cry again, and I like being with you so much! V83. Mary reached up and grabbed her sisters hand. Martha Im truly sorry. As usual I get carried away with my obsessions and forget about everything else. Please say you forgive me. Martha put her hand on her sisters head, Little sister theres nothing to forgive. We both want to be with Jesus. V84. Jesus hugged Martha and kissed her on the cheek. Do you remember one of my sayings, the one about bread, you know: Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from God? Well lets put that into practice. You sit here with me, Mary as well, and we can all talk together and listen to Gods word. The beds dont matter, the lads can sleep anywhere, and well splash out and have a takeaway to save cooking. That will give us more time together. What do you say? V85. Oh Jesus that would be wonderful.. Text missing V90. So were having an impromptu party then? said Lazarus. Sort of, said Jesus, but I prefer to think of it as a Messianic Banquet.
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the Gossip.
V3. The crowd had left and gone to the new open air picture house. It had been showing Spartacus continuously for the last month and the amphitheatre was always full. Even though it was in English, undubbed and in black and white, the audiences easily followed the story line and simply loved it. V4. Jesus had told the disciples to go and see it as, A change is as good as a rest, and they didnt stop to protest. He sat alone under a shady tree reviewing the teaching he had given that morning. He wondered about his use of the proverb, You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink. He couldnt remember where it came from. It wasnt from scripture as far as he knew. In the end he thought he might have heard it from some Roman soldiers. V5. He shifted his position to get back in the shade and noticed a small girl watching him from across the street. He waved her over and she slowly approached him, head down and embarrassed. Hi, Im Jesus. Jesus from Nazareth. And who might you be? V6. The girl raised her eyes and looked at him. Im Rebecca. Rebecca from here, from Capernaum. Jesus patted the ground beside him to indicate she should sit down. What can I do for you, Rebecca of Capernaum? Ive come to see if youre the Prophet, the Holy One me Mum keeps talking about. V7. Its just that youre not very tall, and you dont have a long beard and your hair is too short. I saw you today and you dont scream a lot and you dont do strange things. V8. Ah. said Jesus nodding his head, so I dont act like a prophet or holy man then? Im not sure. You tell stories that I dont understand but me Mum says are wunderbar, and I dont understand what that means either! You healed Benjamin, my cousin, and he went straight off to play football. He never says thank you for anything! V9. So I confuse you, but do some good things as well? Yes, replied Rebecca. I think you must be a good man because you fixed Benjamins foot. Everyone thinks hes just a pain in the ar.Sorry I mustnt say that word. But you didnt tell him to go away. Text missing V16. Benjamin ran into the square and skidded to a halt in front of Jesus. He put his hands on his knees and gasped for air. JesusJesus we won..we won the match.I.I was needed..I.I scored a goal. Jesus motioned him to sit down. We wouldnt. have won without .without your helpyou fixing my foot.. I just needed..needed to say thank you. V17. See, Rebecca of Capernaum, he does say thank you! Come on both of you, stand up! Its time for refreshments! And time to tell Rebecca some stories that she can understand! Me too! shouted Benjamin. Text missing V29. They had all finished their kosher ice creams, crisps and spring water. A small group of older children had gathered to listen to Jesus talking to Rebecca and Benjamin. They were all spell bound by his stories and jokes. Jesus had discovered that all the kids had seen Spartacus at least four or five times and they were eager to talk about it. Text missing
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V35. So you see, he said as he surveyed the huddle of kids at his feet, Spartacus is actually a sort of parable as well. Its a story about the wrong way to deal with the Romans or any of your enemies for that matter. Text missing
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the Gossip.
V43. Jesus handed Andrew his notes. Can you stand on the tree stump and read them out. Youll have to project your voice so it carries. I just want to get an idea of what it will sound like to an audience. Its so important that they understand what Im saying. Its said You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink. But verily, verily and triple verily, Ill try my hardest! V44. So what is it Lord? questioned Andrew. You could call it a manifesto. Indeed, a bit like the Communist Manifesto: A statement of principles. As such they need to be clear and memorable. V45. Andrew stood erect and looked at the notes. He coughed and then began: V46: Blessed are the poor, for they shall know God. Blessed are the mourners, for they shall know God. Blessed are the bringers of mercy, for they shall know God. Blessed are hearts full of love, for they shall know God. Blessed are the meek and considerate, for they shall know God. Blessed are the. V47. Stop, stop! shouted Jesus. Its awful just awful. It sounds like an Asda shopping list. Whats one of those? asked Andrew as he jumped off the stump. In short Andrew, its something that is necessary and important, but at the same time tedious and uninteresting. V48. Jesus told Andrew he might as well take a break, as it would take him some time to re-write his sermon. Peter accompanied Jesus back to the house. Can I ask you something Lord? Sure, go ahead Peter. Well I was just wondering about using the word know so often. Doesnt it mean, you know, things between a man and a woman, you know, in the bedroom? It sure does Peter. But isnt God closer to you than even your Y-fronts? Besides, its meaning is dependent on its context. In this instance, I think Ill get the right meaning across. Text missing V61. Jesus had almost finished the fourth draft of his sermon. Andrew had left the house to play volley ball with the other disciples. A spotty teenage boy approached Jesus and said, I heard most of your re-writes and they were all pretty good. Thanks, said Jesus, but I think Ive finally cracked it now. This is the one! V62. Rabbi, said the lad, can I read you my poem which Ive just written? Your speeches gave me the inspiration. Jesus put his pencil down and replied, Sure, go ahead. V63. Blessed are the bees for they pollinate the flowers. Blessed are the bees for they make sure we have grains and grapes. Blessed are the bees for sharing their sweet honey with us. Blessed are the bees for their singing and dancing. Blessed are the bees because they do Gods work and never, ever, complain. Blessed are the bees that delight in their God. V64. Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! You have truly seen God working in his creation. A gem, a precious pearl. May your heart always remain so open!. Rabbi, thats a bit over the top. Good possibly, but not
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that good. Never as good as the psalms. V65. Its not so much the poem, more the mind and insight behind it. responded Jesus. Clarity of vision if you like. But Id like to do a deal with you. When Ive finished my sermon Ill give you a copy if you like and you can give me a copy of yours. We could call both of them The Beatitudes or something like that. And they both fell into hysterical laughter.
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the Gossip.
V18. The disciples were being sent out two-by-two, to Proclaim the Good News, to Heal and to Exorcise. Jesus had to clarify his instructions from the day before as ten disciples had gone forth under the impression they had to Exercise. V19. James and Ruth were part of the twenty sent out that day. Following Gods call they went to Ramshackle, a small village in the lee of the hill. Ruth had said it was divine inspiration, but James thought it suspicious that they had avoided the arid hill tops and the blistering sun. He had known Ruth for only a short while but she seemed pre-occupied with her complexion, which he had to admit, was most desirable, as was the rest of her. V20. How should we approach this Ruth? James asked. Theyre simple peasant folk who probably havent even seen a Roman soldier yet. I wouldnt want to make the Kingdom sound complex and theological. I agree, she replied. Keep to the basics. Nice and simple. God rules, OK! and she burst out laughing. V21. What was that all about? Cant you be serious for once? We have an important job to do for the Lord and youd better pull your socks up! Ruth was still giggling but managed to reply, Sorry JamesitsitsYour Y-fronts.down to your ankles! and she pointed at his feet and burst out laughing again. An embarrassed James hastily hobbled behind a tree and adjusted his clothing. Text missing.. V24. But seriously James. We need to get into their mindset. Find out how they understand God. Use terminology that makes sense to them. Right on, said James, whilst at the same time thinking that Ruth was as intelligent as she was attractive and he mustnt let this pearl slip away. Text missing V29. They were invited into a small house by a short wiry man who said he farmed and kept a few sheep. They introduced themselves and he responded saying he was called David, but they could call him by his nickname, Mighty Warrior King of Old. They said theyd probably find David easier. V30. Ruth: Weve come to talk about Gods Kingdom?.His empire?.His dominion?.His rulership?His reign? David: Ah, yes. James: Yes, yes, Gods reign. His wonderful reign. David: Oh, you dont say. Gods is it? James: Yes. All about Gods reign and how it affects you, and the village. How it is really so important. A wonderful blessing! Stupendous! Ruth: Life-giving! Nothing is more important than Gods reign and its coming, here and now! David: Is it then? Thats quite important isnt it? Very important dont you think? Ruth: Yes, thats right and its all because of Jesus. Jesus is bringing Gods reign into Israel right
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now. Its happening under our very noses. We have to respond. We cant just ignore it or sit back. David: No. Certainly cant ignore it. Mustnt do nothing. Got to make a move! James: Thats right. We need to respond, to rejoice, to join in! David: Join in? Not sure how? But, nice as it is, I cant sit around talking to you young people. I must get up and go to it! Ruth: Sorry? We havent told you all about Jesus and Gods reign. David: Youve told me enough already young lady. If Gods rain is coming Ive got to gather the sheep and make sure the water butts are ready. Ive never heard of this Jesus before, but if he can bring rain to these parts, it is good news indeed. Text Missing
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the Gossip.
V3. Jesus and his new disciples were resting at a friends house. They had just returned from their first preaching tour and Jesus wanted to spend time getting to know them better. During the informal conversations, John said to Jesus, Werent you a carpenter before you started preaching, Lord? V4. Indeed I was, John. I worked in and around Nazareth and sometimes went to the outlying villages. Now that reminds me about an experience I had when I started out. Id just passed my City and Guilds when I won a contract for doors and windows in three new houses. They were in a village some distance away, so I loaded up my tools and off I went. V5. The houses were built at the side of a wadi. I immediately thought that was somewhat risky because of the likelihood of flash floods, but I was assured that they hadnt had floods there for years. So I went to work and fitted six doors, ten windows and did some other small jobs. It was a good contract and I enjoyed it. V6. But I couldnt get the location of those houses out of my mind. One had been built on a rocky outcrop, and was therefore slightly higher than the other two. It was fairly basic and unostentatious. The other two seemed to have been built on the plain earth, just like youd expect in your average village. The smaller of the two was fairly simple, but the other was larger and more luxurious. It even had mosaic floors and arches inside. I guess the owner had some form of wealth, and expressed it in conspicuous consumption. Whats that Lord? James interjected. It means, James, showing your neighbours how rich you are. V7. Martha came into the room carrying a tray with glasses and a jug of iced water. Thanks a lot Martha. Why dont you come and join in? She put the tray on the table for people to help themselves and sat down. V8. Jesus resumed his reminiscences. I went back four weeks later to see if any of the doors or windows needed trimming. Once theyre installed and the building settles down, they can sometimes stick. As I approached the village I passed a road sign which said Beware Flash Floods: Ride Slowly. V9. Sure enough, when I got there I could see the damage. Of the three houses Id work on only two were intact. The large one was now vacant. A wall had collapsed and the roof was tilting at a dangerous angle. The other two looked perfect, and the woodwork didnt need any adjustments, so I was quite pleased. Andrew asked, I thought you said two houses were built on the ground. How come the other one was alright? V10. Ah, youre right there Andrew. I was curious too, so I asked the owner when I was checking his doors. He told me that his house was built on rock too! I said I couldnt see any. He said it was a new type of rock imported from the Mediterranean, and was still a novelty. He called it Kon Crete. He told me you could now build a house where ever you wanted and you werent limited to building on natural rock in the case of risky sites. I was amazed as Id not heard of it before. Im sure it will revolutionize the building trade! V11. Being a carpenter lets you see all types of life. said Andrew. Yes, and it provides lessons in how to live a godly life, responded Jesus. So let me ask you what lessons we could learn from my experience. V12. Andrew was the first to respond. Well, you could say to be ultra, ultra sure of a safe house, you should build an ark! and he burst out laughing. Yes thats true, said Jesus, but only in the case of exceptional conditions, like with the case of Noah. Or you shouldnt pray for rain, quipped Matthew.
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V13. Maybe you should make sure you build on something solid like rock or that Kon Crete, offered Thomas. Quite right, build on solid foundations indeed!, concurred Jesus. Text missing V17. And what about judging a book by its cover? Judas looked at Jesus in a state of confusion. Whats a book, Lord? Sorry Judas, I was miles away then. V18. Do you mean you mustnt judge by appearances? That house on the ground was actually built on rock, but you wouldnt know that cause you couldnt see it! Right on Simon, said Jesus with a smile. Appearances can be deceptive. Text missing V29. Ive come to a decision Simon. From now on I shall call you Peter, the Rock, for you will be the foundation for my followers. Simon smiled gleefully. If you say so, Lord. But couldnt I be called Kon Crete? Rock sounds rather old fashioned, and Kon Crete is clearly going to be the new thing. Text missing
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Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2010/TB7792934/JA-N/2020/fg/26
the Gossip.
V24. They were finally on their way to Jerusalem. Jesus had spoken of a New Deal, but better than President Trumans he added. The disciples were unsure what he meant but then he regularly had to explain his comments to them at a later stage. He had used the expression Finale several times too. They imagined it was something of importance but awaited the full teaching. V25. Valerie, Vermouth and Versace? Mmmmmm. Vermouth, Valerie and Versace? Or was it Versace, Valerie and Vermouth? Mmmmmm. What did you say Lord? asked Peter. Its nothing Peter. I was just trying to remember what a visiting rabbi once said at the Nazareth synagogue. He told us that if we remembered the three Vs, then we would be successful in life. I never understood his explanation - I could have only been fourteen - I just remember the three words: Versace. Vermouth. Valerie. I didnt know what they meant then and I still dont now Funny the things we dont forget. Isnt it. V26. Do you want a fig Lord? said Thomas, as he weaved in and out of the disciples sharing his food. Jesus took one, Thanks, and he returned to his inner musings. Peter declined the offer, Im regular enough, thank you Thomas! V27. They all had to step aside as a long caravan eased its way past. Thats the first one Ive ever seen, said John. Ive seen a few, said Peter. But thats the first with double axles. Not sure what the little sign means though. What does GB mean, Rabbi? Paraphrased it means green and pleasant land. Theyre from a far-away country, replied Jesus. Text missing V30. Is your family going to the Passover this year? asked Andrew. I hope so. replied Jesus. The last time I spoke to Mum she said she intended to go and drag along most of my brothers and sisters. They havent been for a while, so if not this year then itll certainly be next year. Id like to see them, but it may have to be a short reunion. When Dad was alive he insisted we go every year no matter what. It was a strict family tradition from his side of the family. Is your family going Andrew? Not this year. Ruth, my sister, is about to have her baby so the whole family is staying at home. If its a boy theyre going to name him after you. Text missing V40. Once again Jesus was walking alone, preoccupied. Thoughts flitted in and out in a stream of consciousness. He found himself humming, Fight the good fight with all thy might. Where did that come from? Our God reigns, our God reigns. What? Forth in thy name O Lord I go. I feel like Ive turned into a radio! exclaimed Jesus. Whats a radio, Lord? asked James as he caught up with Jesus and matched his stride. V41. I cant stop singing songs in my head, replied Jesus. I think its a case of PTSD. Is that good or bad? queried an inquisitive James, who was overjoyed at being alone with his Lord. Good or bad? Maybe a bit of both. Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Its wondering if you can do whats necessary. Fight or flight. Crunch time. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Make or break. Push and shove. Put your money where your mouth is. Press the start button. Pull the lever. To boldly go where no man has gone before. Do or die..Jesus took a deep breath, Yes, James, this is the big one. The Son of Mans gotta do what the Son of Mans gotta do! V42. So does that mean we cant go to the circus then? asked James. I know weve come for the religious festival and all that, but I love that little circus that camps just outside the city. They go all round
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the world to so many places and see so many things. Its an education! V43. I suspect James well all be too busy to go to your circus. But theres always next year if you miss it this time! Text missing V50. Mary from Magdala put her hand on Jesus shoulder. You seem pre-occupied Lord, even a bit sad? Is there anything we can do or help with? Not really Mary. There are some important decisions that I have to make. It would be nice, though, if you and the others stayed close. That would be a comfort. Sure! said Mary and she hurried off to catch up with the other women walking ahead. Jesus shouted to her, Thanks Mary! and she waived back. V51. Then Jesus felt another hand on his shoulder. He turned his head and saw a tall athletic man, with well-oiled hair, deep blue eyes and an immaculate complexion. Hello, Satan. I was expecting you V52. So, are you ready to accept my offer? Look at these people around you: A devoted group of followers. The women are attractive and love you. The men are admittedly mostly dull and stupid, but nevertheless just as devoted to you. If the Son of Man continues with his stupid ideas theyll all end up disappointed and very upset. Wouldnt it be more sensible if we got rid of the High Priest and his cronies and reformed the Temple? Make it a house of prayer as you said yourself? Then we could deal with those damn Romans. How about sending a plague on the Romans? Once theyre weakened, we could have the Zealots harass them so that theyll think twice about coming back. Its so easy my friend, so easy and painless. And everyone will live happy ever after! V53. Ill grant that youre persistent, but of course the answer is still no! With that, Jesus put out his foot and caused Satan to stumble and fall onto the ground. In scripture God makes you crawl in the dirt as a sign of your status. I do likewise. Text missing
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the Gossip.
V22. Jesus awoke, realised it was dark and that he was sitting in a large comfortable chair. He tried to remember where he was when suddenly he was blinded by a bright light shining directly at his face. A voice from somewhere, everywhere, shouted, Jesus from Nazareth, you have twenty questions. Answer at least five questions correctly and you could win tonights star prize: FREEDOM! V23. Heres your first question, Jesus, so listen carefully. What technique did the Romans adopt and turn into an art form? Jesus tried to speak but found his mouth wouldnt say the words. He tried to stand up and found his body wouldnt respond either. No answer? Well then, no points. V24. The correct answer is of course, crucifixion! (Sound of applause) V25. What word would you use if your friends had left and you found yourself alone? Come on Jesus, this is an easy one! Jesus was unable to answer, trapped into listening to the inane voice. Too difficult? Well the answer is deserted. Yes, you will be deserted. No points so far. Perhaps youll do better with the next question. (More applause) V26. Question three. What must you do to have eternal life? This is your specialist topic Jesus, so you should get this one! What? Still playing the strong and silent type are we? No points again! Its such a pity. The correct answer, is of course, dont die. If you never die youll live forever. I can vouch for that old friend! (Prolonged laughter and applause) Text missing V40. Whats the word that Freud used to describe God? Oops, Ive said the forbidden word. (Chuckles from audience). But Im still here! No answer? Im sure you really know it. Yes, projection! God is just a projection caused by mans insecurities. V41. OK Jesus, this is the last and final question. Who is always around to offer you a helping hand? Who can you rely on when life gets difficult? Who can guarantee you success, and I mean rock solid, gold plated success? Whos been watching over you, waiting to help you out, waiting to propel you to stardom? V42. Ill give you a little longer. Its really not a difficult question. No answer? Ill have to tell you, as if you didnt know. Its me! Yes me, your buddy and friend Satan. Forget the dying Messiah bit, lets get serious and transform the world! (Prolonged, rapturous applause). Text missing V56. And now weve reached the end of the programme folks. You might be thinking that Jesus was rather disappointing as he couldnt answer any of the questions. But, surprise, surprise, youd be wrong. Jesus may not have said anything, but being a bit of a psychic myself, I read his mind and do you know what? He answered all the questions perfectly! Crucifixion, desertion, staying alive, projection etc etc etc etc. And best of all, he was pleased to see me, his lifelong pal Satan. V57. So Jesus. Youve won tonights star prize. So come on down and claim your FREEDOM! (Prolonged applause slowly fading away). V58. Jesus awoke and recognized his surroundings; it was his friends house. Were you dreaming Rabbi? asked Judas. I must have been, Judas. More of a nightmare than a dream though. Judas continued, Some say God speaks to us in our dreams, if we can understand the language. Just like Joseph. I suspect
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Satan also comes in by the same door, so we need to beware! responded Jesus. V59. Jesus was brought to a halt. Hed remembered what day it was, Nissan fourteenth. It wouldnt be long now.
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the Gossip.
V89. It was the hottest day in living memory - as neither Jesus nor any of his followers was over forty, that wasnt a very long time. Everyone was in the water trying to cool off. Jesus, the twelve, and assorted women and men, were splashing, swimming and floating in the cool water of the Sea of Galilee. A few had inflatable balls and were playing catch. Jesus wondered where they had come from, but then he admitted that didnt know all his followers personally. V90. Look! Roman soldiers! shouted John, and everyone turned to see a cohort of soldiers, marching in perfect formation along the beach some distance away. Jesus spoke, Heres a good question for you. Whats the connection between a Roman squaddie and a disciple? V91. People started shouting suggestions at Jesus, trying to be heard above the din. Soldiers obey instructions and theyre disciplined! Yes. They have weapons to fight the enemy! Indeed. And they have armour to protect themselves! Yes. They look after each other. If one is in trouble, they go to his aid! Thats right. They wear sandals! Whats that got to do with anything? Shouted a young follower. Maybe it shows theyre human just like us? They keep themselves fit and they exercise a lot, well sometimes! Yes. When it comes to the crunch, even though they might be afraid, they do their job! Thats very important, isnt it? They have to get used to a tough life when theyre on a campaign. No home comforts, no baths or microwaves! Yes, but whats that about microwaves? V92. At that point the Lifeguard blew the emergency horn. It was to warn swimmers of sharks in the water. There were, of course, no sharks in the Sea but the coastguard felt he had to have a practice every Wednesday morning just in case. Text missing V94. Everyone returned to the water. Someone shouted, Idiot at the Lifeguard as he had been about to win an informal swimming contest, with side bets. Jesus asked, Have we any more suggestions about soldiers and disciples? V95. They try their best when fighting. Yes they do. They get to see the world and go to exotic places. They can become apprentices and learn a trade. In some cases thats probably true. Theyre taught how to light a fire by rubbing two sticks together. That might be true but I suspect youre thinking of the Scouts.
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Well, they can tie all sorts of knots and steer by the light of the moon. Truthfully, Im not sure about that? They get to ride chariots at a hundred mile an hour, charging round corners on one wheel, leaping over sand dunes, ploughing through their enemies, shouting Hi Ho Silver!.. And they get to wear crash helmets and a leather uniform! Sorry Lord, just joking! Im glad it was just a joke, otherwise I might be worried! Text missing V98. Jesus addressed the crowd. I thought that was a useful discussion. Plenty of food for thought. Im sure someone could develop the ideas further. So when you think of discipleship, you might think of it as being a sort of soldier for God, maybe? Heres an interesting fact you may not know. Some Roman soldiers or more accurately gladiators, before they fight they swear an oath: Hail Caesar, we who are about to die salute you! Now thats pretty dedicated isnt it? Text missing V101. The horn sounded again. The resigned crowd slowly trooped out of the water onto the beach. Someone shouted, Look! Over there! Just yards down the beach a shark had launched itself out of the water and smashed a small fishing boat. In a frenzy it ripped the boats carcass to shreds before disappearing into the turbulent water. V102. The Lifeguard was ecstatic: I told you! I was bleeding right! It was a bloody great shark and now youve all seen it! He danced up and down the beach singing, I was right! I was right! No one believed me but I was right! After twenty years of crying wolf, or rather shark, he had been finally vindicated.
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V7. Jesus was indulging one of his passions from childhood. He lay on the grass, staring at the clouds traversing a uniform blue sky, and pretended the clouds were stationary but the ground, and him lying upon it, were moving. After the initial difficulty of altering his perception, it became enjoyable though strange. V8. His reverie was abruptly halted by two disciples stooping over him to speak. Lord, there are some big wigs in the village who want to see you. I think they may be scribes as theyve got pencils tucked behind their ears. They have an urgent problem that they need to discuss with you. Can you come right away? Jesus sat up. OK. Lets be at it then! V9. Sure enough coming from Lazarus house was a hubbub of voices. Jesus entered and took a seat. The noise muted and one of the strangers approached him. Rabbi, we know you are a good man and refrain from prejudice and anti-social behaviour. You used to be a carpenter and skillfully fashioned wood to make doors, windows and even furniture. We hear that you attend the synagogues regularly, heal the sick, comfort the bereaved and preach the Good News. Jesus put up his hand to interrupt the outflow of words. Sir, I understand you have come to discuss a problem with me. Is that right? V10. Indeed Rabbi. We scribes are regarded as experts in the Law. Some of us study the Torah* day and night; it is both our duty and our pleasure. We discuss Midrash** and the Mishnah*** to fully grasp the implications of the written Torah and to make life simpler for the people. So you say said Jesus. V11. But no matter how much we scour the Torah or search the Midrash and Mishnah, we just cannot find an answer to a very pressing question. And what might that be? asked Jesus, who wasnt sure if he knew where the conversation was heading. V12. Its a problem that could affect us all. It never arose before for times were different. Now we have new technology and communications have improved dramatically over the last few years. Yes? said Jesus in an encouraging tone. V13. To get straight to the point Rabbi, should we be content with just the state TV service or should we open up telecommunications to private enterprise as well? Thats it in a nutshell. V14. Jesus eyes opened wide, his mouth gaped and he slowly rose to his feet. Gentlemen. What the Lord has joined let no man cast asunder. And he walked out of the room, hoping to return to his cloud gazing. The crowd broke up into numerous conversations. He spoke with authority, didnt he! Never was a truer word spoken in my opinion. He hit the nail on the head if you ask me. Crystal clear and right to the point. Problem solved in one. Brilliant. Genius, sheer genius! V15. Peter and Andrew left to find Jesus. Andrew, do you know what that was all about? Havent a clue Pete. Text missing
*The Law, the first five books of the Jewish bible. **This entry is missing from my Hebrew English dictionary. Sorry, but youll have to look it up yourself. ***A compilation of the Oral Law.
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the Gossip.
V72. Jesus was returning to Capernaum after spending the morning in solitary prayer. Ahead, he saw a group of people ambling along the road coming in his direction. Next he heard a female shout, Its him! and the group of Girl Guides, for he could make out the uniforms now, started a headlong rush towards him. He guessed there were twelve or maybe fifteen Guides. Arms were flailing, rucksacks and bags were swinging violently and the shouts were increasing. It is him! Its really him! Weve found him! I cant wait to see him Let me see him. Me first. V73. The shouts abated as they rushed at him almost knocking him over. It is him! It is Yeshua! Its him! Jesus raised his arms and said, Girls, girls, calm down. Whats this all about? Can someone tell me, quietly? But it had no effect, as bags and rucksacks were wrenched open to access note books, autograph books and writing implements. Yeshua can I have your autograph please? Me too. And me. Me as well! And me! Jesus took their pens and paper and wrote his name. He found it puzzling that anyone would want his signature. V74. One of the girls took a camera from her bag. Jesus quickly but gently put his hand on her shoulder. Im very sorry, but I cant allow photographs. The girl looked disappointed but replaced the camera in her bag. If I let you take any photographs, he explained, it might cause a wobble in history. So lets avoid that shall we? V75. The animated conversations started again. Youre Yeshua, I know it. Weve all come to see you. Weve heard all about you, all those stories and things. Yes. You do miracles and fly through the air No he doesnt, he walks on water! You heal people and make them well. And you can raise the dead, even whole armies! Thats not right, it was a guy named Lazarus! You tell proverbs and strange stories. You show people what Gods like. Youve lots of disciples who dont wash and get shouted at, but you dont mind because you love them! Can we become your disciples? Yes, can we? V76. Jesus held up his hand again. Girls, please. Would you calm down and speak one at a time so I can understand what youre saying? V77. One of the girls, presumably the most senior, moved to stand in front of him. Were the Golders Green Guides, from Golders Green obviously. Have you heard of it? No, I dont think so, replied Jesus. Its a district in Londinium. Have you heard of that? I have indeed. Its somewhere in the north of the Roman Empire. Am I right? Yes, so you know vaguely where we come from. And let me tell you its taken absolutely ages to get here and find you. Weeks on boats, donkey rides, camel rides and even walking. Sickness, diarrhoea and flu. But its worth it, Yeshua. Just to see you in the flesh. Youre gorgeous! At this some of the Guides screamed, Yes, yes! Beautiful! V78. The pandemonium started again. You invented that waterproof mascara. And that cream that keeps your skin soft! Weve heard about all the things, wonderful amazing things you were doing in Galilee! We heard that you were good with women, the speaker blushed, coughed and resumed. What I meant to say was, that you treat women as equals. You dont tell them to stay in the kitchen and just have babies! And you have this campaign about following God, but its different and exciting and everyone can join in! And youre a holy man whos virile, oops sorry, I mean virtuous V79. Jesus started to blush and raised his hands again. I really must correct some of the things youve heard about me and put you on the straight and narrow. Perhaps we should find a shady spot and talk? Is that OK with all of you? Twelve or maybe fifteen voices shouted in unison: Yes! And then twenty four or maybe thirty adoring eyes looked at him, pubescent hero worship writ large.
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Text missing V95. They had talked for two hours and had decided to stop for lunch. The girls had opened their rucksacks and pooled an assortment of foods and drink which they would share. They asked Jesus to say a blessing over the food and he readily agreed. It was the first time he had thanked God for Kendal Mint Cake and he wouldnt forget that in a long time! V96. Jesus spent the rest of the afternoon talking to the girls again. He managed to persuade them that he hadnt in fact invented waterproof makeup. He told them he was very pleased that theyd used his real name. Yes, he was usually called Jesus now, but really he would always be Yeshua. He told them more about the Kingdom and they listened with rapt attention. V97. Dont you have a troop leader or something? asked Jesus. A Guide still eating an apple replied, Of course we do! She is at Simon Peters house waiting for us to come back. He told us where to find you, and Miss Stern said we could wait at the crossroad until you showed up. She should have come with us really, but she went all weak at the knees when she met Simon Peter. Shes a push over for a muscular bloke. Oops. Sorry, I shouldnt have said that V98. Jesus stood up. I think its time to get back. Me to my disciples and you to Miss Stern. It has been absolutely wonderful to meet you all and hear about your lives in Golders Green. And it was amazing to hear all about the Kingdom of God said one of the Guides. Yes! Yes! said others. Text missing V123. The Guides were packed and ready to leave. Miss Stern gave Simon Peter a rather wet kiss on his cheek, whilst unbeknown to the others; he smiled and gave her a pat on the bum. One of the girls, the youngest of the party, asked Jesus if she could give him a kiss goodbye. He smiled warmly and said, Of course. He was knocked to the floor as all the Guides attempted to grab him and kiss him at the same time. Text missing V144. Peter, I think Id rather face twelve or fifteen angry Sadducees that those Girl Guides. Hormones sure are powerful! V145. I thought Miss Stern was rather gentle to be honest.
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V13. He heard the laughter and clapping from way down the street. As he entered the courtyard he saw Peter and Andrew standing in a sea of disciples, both of them laughing and talking animatedly. He sat down next to Mary from Magdala. She turned to him and asked, Where have you been Lord? Peter and Andrew are doing their double act. Most of these disciples are newbies, so they havent heard it before. V14. Ive just had my sandals repaired. replied Jesus. It took longer than expected. He had so much work he couldnt do them straight away, so I decided to wait rather than go back later. He said it was because of the influx of disciples into town. Its a pity Ive missed the show, they really are funny! They havent finished yet so you can at least catch the last bits. V15. Mary, I dont see many of the women here. Where are they all? They all had other things to do Lord: Mary, wife of Jonas, had to pick up her kids from the synagogue; Mary, sister of Barnabas, needed to wash her hair ready for the Sabbath; Mary, mother of Eliphaz, Zepho, Reuel, Gatam, Omar, Teman, Kenaz, Esau, Shammah, Zerah, Mizzah and..and..Ralph. She found out she was pregnant again. Shes gone to tell her husband, Jude. Theyre both hoping for a girl this time. I bet shes as pleased as punch! She was over the moon Lord. V16. And the others? Well. Mary Queen of Scots said she had a pressing engagement. She said she needed to clear her head before she went. She said to give you her regrets but she probably wouldnt be back. Mary, wife of Rabbi Kipling, has gone to the bakery to help her husband. Business had picked up with all the disciples in town. Mary Tyler Moore has gone to see if they had any more work for her. Such a busy lot, commented Jesus. V17. And Mary Rose had a sudden urge to go sailing. Shes not been to the sea for ages. Mary, your mother, went to check on your brother James as hes not feeling well. Mary, sister of Matthew, left to feed her goats. Mary, sister of the other Matthew, also left to feed her animals, but I think theyre chickens. Oh well. Weve no pressing commitments today, so they can all attend to their own agendas. V17. Dont forget Mary, the daughter of Mary and mother of Mary. Yes? queried Jesus. Well shes gone to visit her sister Mary, that is the Mary that visited yesterday and said shed be back. Oh, I forgot to mention Salome. Shes in the loo. So. All accounted for then! said Jesus. Text missing V21. So this is the very last joke. No more encores, please! Peter: Knock, knock. Andrew: Whos there? Peter: Its not whos there, Andrew, its the door shall be opened! Everyone clapped and shouted. The noise was deafening. Jesus shouted above the din, So you have remembered what Ive told you! Text missing
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V62. Come on Lord, well be late! Peter relax. There is a time and a season for everything under Heaven. Maybe Lord but I told the meeting that wed be there by ten. Jesus looked at his watch. Its no good looking at your watch, Lord. You know its needed a new battery for the last month! OK. OK, Peter. But dont cycle too fast! Text missing V67. Peter led Jesus through the group of sitting men to the front of the room. Everyone was quiet, with looks of anticipation on their faces. Jesus stood in front of them, introduced himself and started to tell them about the Kingdom using parables, witty aphorisms and insightful jokes, as was his custom. V68. The rustle of leaves and bird song drifted into the room. There was little sound in the room itself apart from the odd cough and sneeze, and the squeaking of benches and stools, as people adjusted their positions to ease the cramp in their buttocks. The men were focussed on Jesus and gave him their undivided attention. Text missing V75. Jesus wondered why some of the men glanced behind him every so often. Then he noticed out of the corner of his eye a young man to his left and slightly to his rear. He seemed to have a physical condition similar to epilepsy, as every so often his hands would gesticulate wildly, although he always remained standing. Jesus stopped talking and approached him. V76. Son, is there anything I can do for you? Just tell me. Thank you Rabbi, but honestly theres nothing I need. Jesus moved a little closer to him. Ive notice your physical complaint. Do you not want to be cured? A look of realization crossed the young mans face. I think you may have misunderstood Rabbi. This meeting is being held in a house for the deaf. All the people here can lip read, but if the word is unusual I have to translate it into sign language. Didnt Peter tell you? V77. PETER! Text missing V90. That sure was a lot of healing Lord! Text missing
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V6. They landed on the coast near Gadara. The disciples secured the boats and then they all walked along the shore towards the town. After they had walked for a while, small rocks and beach detritus rained down around the group. Peter scoured the cliff tops, I cant see anyone. V7. The thrown rocks became bigger and were interspersed with bicycle wheels and shopping trolleys. The disciples slowed their pace and everyone looked around to identify their assailant. Suddenly Andrew shouted, Look! Hes over there! Some way in front of them stood a huge figure. A Goliath to their David. He resembled an ogre out of a fairy story: Covered in hair, his skin latticed with cuts and bruises and wearing only a loin cloth. He launched a rusty fridge-freezer in their direction which landed only a few yards from the disciples. V8. Jesus kept on moving forward but the anxious disciples had stopped. Loud screeching voices came from the figure, echoing off the cliffs and rocks. So its the puny Jesus is it? Gods precocious son! Goody two shoes and no mistake Opium of the masses wouldnt you say? Id say failure of the Father more like it! Man with a mission, or should that be mistake. All the while other voices were laughing and cackling. By this time the terrified disciples had huddled together for safety. V9. Who am I speaking to? shouted Jesus. The voices responded: Were Multi National. Were here and were there. We ignore petty governments and petty people. We have it our own way, all the way, every day. And we dont like little people who interfere! So go away, go away little boy! Jesus kept on walking towards Multi National. V10. He threw a buckled moped but his aim was off. Jesus was quite close to him now. Jesus held out his arms as he walked the last few yards. Multi National screamed and raged and turned round to go, but Jesus grabbed him in a bear hug, trapping his arms. Multi National twisted, shouted, screamed and violently threw his body about, trying to dislodge Jesus. But Jesus increased his grip and tenaciously held on. V11. I command you! Leave him! Shouted Jesus at the top of his voice. With that Multi National went limp and slid to the ground. Jesus fell down on his hands and knees completely exhausted, just as the disciples arrived panting from their exertions. Are you alright Lord? asked a worried Peter. Im OK, just exhausted. What should we do with the giant? asked Andrew. Let him sleep for now, and give him some food and drink when he wakes up. Are you sure its safe? queried Thomas. Dont worry, the demons are gone. V12. Jesus heaved himself erect and slowly walked towards the cliff face. Finally he turned round an outcrop of rock. A pick-up was parked on the sand and men were loading a portable generator onto the back. Speakers and other electronics were already stacked and strapped down. It was a large and powerful PA system. Jesus approached a suited figure who was removing his headphones. I thought I detected your work Satan. Ah Jesus. Here we are again. Have you thought about my offer? A brave new world with you at the helm? Its a good offer. Dont let it slip away. V13. Jesus turned round and headed back towards the disciples. Im not going to keep this offer open for ever you know! shouted Satan at the disappearing Jesus. Youve already lost old man! You just need to admit it! replied Jesus. Text missing V24. The disciples and Jesus were unwinding round a camp fire on the beach. Kebabs and wine were being passed round. Multi National, or rather Bernard, for that was his real name, had decided to return to home to
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his wife and kids. He was wondering how to explain three years absence and the loss of his clothes and wedding ring. V25. So every time we heal or exorcise, were dismantling Satans empire. Is that right Lord? Exactly Thomas! Text missing
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V16. She rushed inside the house looking for Jesus. He had to be here, for yesterday she and her mother were at this house listening to him talking. She was five or six years old, tears were streaming down her face, making her blink. JESUS! JESUS! I NEED TO SEE JESUS! I MUST SEE HIM! Several of the disciples stood up and two tried to prevent her from entering the room. Hes asleep so you mustnt disturb him. Hes very tired, really. She took no notice and pushed past them. JESUS WHERE ARE YOU? I MUST SEE YOU! YOU MUST COME! SOLOMONS DEAD! V17. Before she reached the stairs another disciple grabbed her arm and was trying to restrain her. She wriggled violently and kept on kicking at his legs. JESUS! PLEASE JESUS! SOLOMONS DEAD! YOU MUST COME AND SAVE HIM! V18. Jesus hurried down the stairs and was met by a flying body as the girl leapt at him and grabbed his tunic. Grabbing his sleeve she started to drag him to the door. YOU MUST COME QUICKLY. SOLOMONS NOT WELL. YOU CAN HEAL HIM. PLEASE JESUS, PLEASE HEAL HIM OK Tabitha Im coming. Lets not rush or youll trip over. V19. Children were always present at his gatherings as parents couldnt always leave young kids at home or with friends or relatives. Usually they played together at the edge of the meetings but sometimes they ran between the sitting adults in what seemed like an obstacle race. He remembered Tabitha, as hed seen her twice before. She played with her friends but she would also sit on her mothers lap listening. A couple of the other kids did the same. He wondered how her mother coped with three or four children squashed on her lap. V20. COME ON JESUS WERE ALMOST THERE! COME ON HURRY! They entered the courtyard and Tabitha dragged Jesus to the raised pond. LOOK HES THERE! HES DEAD! and she burst into tears again sobbing copiously. Jesus picked her up and placed her on his hip. He bent over and looked into the pond. On the surface floated a yellow plastic duck, the head of a rubber doll with eyes open, a wellchewed dummy and a motionless goldfish. MAKE HIM BETTER! JESUS PLEASE MAKE HIM BETTER AGAIN! sobbed Tabitha. V21. Jesus put his hand into the water and stroked Solomon. As he took his hand away Solomon wriggled and darted for the shade of the lily leaves. YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT! I KNEW YOU WOULD DO IT! and she burst out crying again, her emotions too overwhelming. Jesus lifted her off his hip and cuddled her. She put her arms round his neck and buried her head in shoulder. V22. Some disciples and her mother hurried into the courtyard. Lord but Jesus raised his hand for silence. Text missing V44. We should have stopped her from disturbing you Lord. No, definitely not! responded Jesus. How many times do I have to remind you that the Kingdom is for the likes of children. She has such faith that she could move whole continents, let alone mere mountains!
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V44. Jesus was putting stones on top of the documents on the table. A breeze was blowing through the room and the papers were flapping in an effort to escape their confinement. Jesus sat back down to resume his writing. Peter came into the room and shouted a greeting to Jesus. V45. Ill be with you in a moment Peter. Im just finishing my tax return. Quite easy compared to some! Income : Savings : Assets (A) Land: (B) Livestock: (C) Investments: (D) Precious metals: Assets in your care: Signature: Yep. Finished! V46. I just wanted to tell you Lord that theres a new film at the picture house. Spartacus has finally bit the dust! It was good I grant you, but having seen it ten times Im ready for something new. They say the film is so worn that they cant repair it any more, not surprising since its been playing for the last nine months! V47. The new one is called Torah, Torah, Torah. According to the flyer its: A film narrating an outstanding love story set in turbulent timesVast armies fight against each other, both sides intent on gaining the final victoryA clash of Titanstrue love and devotion struggle under enormous tension. Sounds good, eh? I guess itll be about the Patriarchs: Abraham, Joseph, Moses and the like? Will you go and see it? V48. I saw the flyer too, Peter. To be honest I think theres been a misprint. I think it should read: Tora, Tora, Tora. Which is certainly a love story and it is about a major conflict, but its not about the Patriarchs nor Scripture. Are you sure Lord? Trust me Peter, I dont want you to go and see it and come back disappointed. Text missing V66. What did you say those other films were called? Was it, Exodus, the Ten Commandments, and the Bible? I shall have to keep on the lookout for them! Text missing V70. There was something I meant to ask you Lord. Just wait and itll come to me. Peter stood still, tapping his finger against the side of his head, staring into space. Ah yes! James found this little statue on the beach yesterday. He said it was probably Baal. As it was so small he thought it was probably a household idol. Why did he call it an idol rather than a god? V71. Interesting question Peter. Do you want the long explanation or the short one? The short one please replied Peter. Well, the short answer is that its called an idol because its idle. It doesnt do anything! Get it?
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None None None None None None The world
Jesus of Nazareth, of the line of David.
V72. Thats a good one Lord! Yes, a good one! and Peter started to chuckled, laugh, then collapse in hysterics. A GOOD ONE!.. BRILLIANT.. But not that good added Jesus. Text missing
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V16. Were going to the Lido, the Lido, the Lido. Were going to the Lido to have a Roman bath! So youve heard about the next preaching engagement then? called Jesus to the disciples dancing outside. Yes, Peter just told us. And weve got access to the Lido: a freebie! V17. John poked his head into the room where Jesus was studying. But wont there be Romans there as well? What will you do if there are? Ill tell them the Good News as well. If Israel is slow on the uptake, perhaps the Romans will respond more enthusiastically! V18. Peter entered the room. Do we need to do anything different Lord? I mean, if there are Romans there, do we need to take precautions or anything? Jesus looked intently at Peter. Romans are just as human as you or I, Peter. No precautions, no cudgels or handcuffs, no pepper spray. Just be yourself. OK? If you say so Lord replied Peter, still doubting the wisdom of such a visit. V19. Jesus continued to speak to Peter. Im not sure if theyll speak Aramaic, Hebrew or Koine*. I can cope with those. A problem looms if their main tongue is Latin. I was never any good at Latin at school, so that would be a struggle. V20. Apollo, that centurion we met at Capernaum did send me a Latin-Hebrew dictionary and Ive been trying to translate some of the main ideas of my sermon into Latin. It really is damn hard going. For a start they write left to right. Then they use a different alphabet. If Im honest I think I might have to give it a miss. Every Roman Ive met spoke Koine, said Peter. Perhaps youre right. In which case Ill risk it and not bother with the Latin. V21. Do you want to hear what Ive translated so far? Its the teaching I gave on prayer last month. You wont understand it but it does sound nice! Pater noster, qui es in caelis: sanctificetur Nomen Tuum; adveniat Regnum Tuum; fiat voluntas Tua, sicut in caelo, et in terra. Thats as far as Ive got. Good isnt it? It just flows from the lips. Text missing V34. Peter stood outside. He wasnt completely convinced that the Lido visit would go ahead without any problems. Still it was summer, his favourite season. It wasnt so long ago that it was also summer, then autumn, then winter, then spring and now summer again. Time flew! He recalled that no snow had fallen last winter. To be sure, there was never any snow in Galilee, but that didnt stop him from being disappointed. V35. Finished the talk! How about a game of skittles, Peter? Go and call the others! Text missing
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* Everyday, grass roots Greek, as opposed to that used by philosophers, aristocrats and politicians.
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V213. Shalom Benjamin! Shalom Joseph! Come in and sit down. Rest those weary bones. The blessings of old age are experience and wisdom. The cost is aching bones! So sit down and have some Earl Grey, Ive just brewed it. Thanks. That would be a treat. Text missing. V216. Are you still working then? Only part-time. Jesus does most of the work; I just provide the fatherly advice and help out when its something hes not come across before. I saw him yesterday with Sarah. They were engaged in their usual intense discussions. I dont know whats so important that keeps them talking for hours? If its not the synagogue or reading the scriptures, its talking with Sarah. And thats after a full days work! Theyre like two peas in a pod. Sorry. Two peas in a pod? A traveller told me the expression. It means very alike, almost identical. Text missing V220. They get on so well together. Do you think they might marry? Theres a lot of love between them, ever since they were children. But marry? I doubt it. Theyre both strong, self-willed individuals. I dont know about Jesus, but I doubt anyone would marry Sarah. Too intelligent. Too frightening! She sometimes frightens our visitors with her questions and comments. Funny you should say that. Jesus does the same. Always questioning, asking, trying to get to the bottom of things. He sometimes makes my head spin! V221. Rabbi Rosenberg said hed love to take her as a rabbinic student if it was allowed. But of course it isnt. No it isnt but he teaches her nevertheless. He tells me shes started to beat him in arguments in theology. But dont spread it around or hell be in trouble! Thats good of him I must say. I always though he was a godly soul. V222. A bell sounded in the kitchen. Ill just be a minute Joseph. Help yourself to more tea. Benjamin returned. It was the alarm on the oven. The bread was ready and needed to come out. So no marriage then? Youre sure? Sarah once told me that Jesus had a restless spirit. He was searching for something, perhaps you could call it a vocation or calling or maybe prompting from God? He wont rest until he finds it. Sarah is very perceptive so I think shes right. Jesus has always been like that. I suspect hell leave us soon to follow his calling. How will Sarah react? She knows hell go sooner or later. Shes resigned to it but happy for him. She has her own calling. She spends a lot of time with Rabbi Rosenberg and then helps out in the school. She loves kids and they take to her. She said she saw something special in Jesus which she can never forget. He actually told her, but keep this under your hat, that he would always be with her. Is that a lovers promise or something more? I wouldnt know, but he does say some really weird things these days. V223. Sarah came in the door. Shalom Dad, Shalom Joseph. So nice to see you again! and she went over
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and kissed them both. At that moment Jesus entered the room. Shalom Dad, Shalom Benjamin. He kissed them both and said, We arent staying. Were off to see the new lambs that were born today. I think Uncle Nathan might have trouble with some of them, so were going to see if we can help. When I get back we can talk about existentialism. Sarahs just told me about it and it sounds cool! Text missing
V230.
A pity Benjamin, a pity. Yes indeed. They would make such a lovely couple and no mistake.
Text missing
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V56. They were on their travels again heading towards Bethany. Everyone was in high spirits after their two days rest and relaxation. Peter had won the ten pin bowling much to everyones surprise, including him. Andrew had won the Pitch and Putt, and Mary from Magdala and Salome had won the canoe race. V57. Jesus and Mary from Magdala, rather than any other Mary for there were quite a few, were walking together at the back of the party. Dum dum de dum dum dum, dum dum de dum, on the road again. Dum dum de dum dum dum, dum dum de dum, on the road again. What are you singing Lord? asked a quizzical Mary. Its a Canned Heat number. I never seem to remember the words, which is a great pity. It sounds like a nice song, even without the words. And who are these canned heats? Ah, said Jesus. Text missing V62. Can I ask you something Lord? It may sound strange and perhaps Im being blasphemous, but why do we pray to God as our Father and never as our Mother? Im sorry if I shouldnt have asked, but its really important to me. V63. Dont be silly Mary, the question is important and proper and certainly not blasphemous. God is after all beyond our understanding, but when we talk to him we need something to hang on to, a handle if you like. An invisible unknowable God is a problem for us. So its inevitable that we make God in our own image. We tend to think of him as a father, particularly as we live in a society where men are in charge and in control. However God is neither male nor female so it is quite legitimate to also think of him as her, as your Heavenly Mother. Whether you think of God as your Father or Mother is not that important, as long as you feel loved and wanted. Text missing V67. We cannot picture God, nor describe all his or her characteristics. We know about God from history and from the natural world. Mostly we know God from scriptures. Even then, we know little more than a fraction of what he or she is like. So if you find it easier to talk to God as your Heavenly Mother, Im sure shell be pleased. After all, its not what you call God thats important; its the depth of the love you have for each other! V68. Oh thank you Lord, Im so relieved! Ive never had a father so I found it difficult to understand God as a Father. My mother took care of me on her own. She brought me up, taught me right from wrong, disciplined me when I went off the rails and always was there when I needed her. I thought God must be like her only more so. I always thought shes shown me a little of what God is like. V69. You mother sounds a very godly person. So next time you pray, thank your Heavenly Mother for your earthly mother! OK? Text missing V77. Did you ask him those questions Mary? What did he say? asked Salome, whispering to Mary (from Magdala.) He said it was alright to pray to God as a Heavenly Mother, if it made prayer more real. So can we can tell the others that its OK? asked an excited Salome. Sure! Lets do it now! Text Missing
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the Gossip.
V3. The men ran past Jesus dumping their tunics in an untidy heap, and then headed for the trees. Andrew shouted, Last one ins a sissy! and then promptly tripped over a root and stumbled into the bushes. He seemed to be unhurt, as he stood up and ran to catch up with them. It must be time for the afternoon swim, mused Jesus. V4. A thought crept into his mind. If I stay quiet, perhaps theyll forget me and I can take a nap? However a group of female disciples appeared and headed towards the trees. Samantha left them and walked over to speak to him. V5. Jesus. You say were your brothers and sisters. Thats right isnt it? Yes, thats right. I often call you my family, why? And in Gods eyes were all equal, both men and women? Certainly. Jesus spoke with some hesitation as the tone of her questions suggested a B52 approaching at great speed. And the Kingdom is like being back in the Garden of Eden, or a new Garden of Eden? You could see it like that, with qualifications. It would soon be overhead. We entered the Kingdom when we believed in you, didnt we? Thats correct. He sensed the bomb bays opening. In which case weve decided to join the men swimming, but like in Eden were going naked! Direct hit! Samantha laughed and ran to join the other women running to the river. She shouted to them, Were free! Freedom! Free from bondage, sisters! And women shouted back, Were free! Free at last. Freed by God! V6. Jesus sat up. Oh NO! Samantha stop! Itll cause problems! SAMANTHA STOP! but they had disappeared into the trees. Jesus jumped up and started to rush after them when someone addressed him. V7. Jesus, let them have some fun. Youre such a spoil sport Satan! What are you doing here? Just cruising round making sure youre OK. Of course you are, Prince of Lies Youre such a kill joy. Here we have your sorry bunch of misfits trying to enjoy themselves and you want to put a spanner in the works. Let them enjoy their bodies, after all God made them. Didnt he? V8. God indeed made them in his own image, but his image was one of love not bodily lust, as you well know! Go on; let them experience the pleasures of the flesh. A little lust and debauchery never hurt anyone, and theyll have such a passionate and rewarding time. Itll be good for them! You always seem to forget the Commandments Satan. Love God and love your neighbour as yourself, which means as a person not an object to exploit. Isnt that right? You talk too much. I cant stand here chatting with you all day. The river calls and I will encourage your children to play! V9. Satan adjusted his panama hat and strode to his white Rolls Royce and then screeched off in a cloud of dust. Jesus ran to the trees, weaved through them and ended up at the river bank. He spotted at least twelve male disciples swimming and splashing about. He was relieved to see them still attached to their loin cloths. Slightly down river he saw the women wading slowly upstream towards the men. He heaved a sigh of relief: they were all wearing appropriate swimwear for the occasion. V10. Fancy water ball guys? shouted Salome as the two groups converged. Samantha left the water and
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approached Jesus. Im sorry Lord. It was just a joke. My idea. It seemed a good giggle at the time but then I thought youd probably worry so I was coming back to tell you. Jesus started laughing. You really did have me worried. Had you gone ahead there may have been consequences you couldnt imagine, believe me! At least youre safe. And modest! Text missing V19. Satan was in a foul mood. He was driving alongside the river but it was now obvious that he was going in the wrong direction. Dust thrown up by his aggressive driving must have obscured the road signs. He started to calm down. He might as well drive to the coast, have a swim, display his athletic torso and see what work he could find there. Text missing
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V17. While youre looking for your scroll, Ill catch up on the latest news. They have all the periodicals by reception. When youve finished, collect me and we can go home. Andrew left Peter and walked across to the reception area, sat down and started to scan the news scrolls. V18. Peter went into the main body of the library. The librarian had said the Torah* section was at the end, on the left. You couldnt miss it as it was after the sign saying Theatre but before the large sign saying Trains. Peter found it without any difficulty, which surprised him. V19. He peered at the shelves laden with dusty scrolls of all shapes and sizes. He wanted to track down a Torah quote that Jesus had used the day before. Jesus often quoted from the Scriptures, but he rarely quoted chapter and verse. This might prove to be a fruitless search, but he desperately wanted to unearth the quote and go back and surprise Jesus. The look on his face would be priceless! He peered at the shelves again. He would just have to dip in and see what he could find. V20. Andrew opened the news scroll and read the headlines: ROMAN ATROCITIES: Tenth Legion on manoeuvres. Careless troops trample crops. Farmer devastated. Full report by our Judah correspondent. He twisted the handles to see what else was happening in the world. V21. Peter tugged at one of the scrolls, but it wouldnt move. Perhaps I should concentrate on smaller ones. Dont want a hernia at my age. He found a small scroll sandwiched between two of its bigger brothers. Just my size, and he eased it out, and then took it over to the desk to read. The cover read, The Complete Abridged Torah. 5-12. Specially commissioned for the literally challenged. That sounds good, but why only parts five to twelve? And where are the rest? I didnt see any more? V22. Andrew had read through the Hebrew Herald, the Jewish Chronicle, the Bethsaida Times and the Bethlehem Argos. He started to read the Jewish Juice, a rather sleazy publication with a penchant for pages of scandal and pages of apologies and retractions. He unrolled to the letters page, always good for a laugh. V23. Peter unrolled the small scroll. Completely unwound it was almost the length of the desk. His eyes opened wide in surprise, for there was very little writing, if any, - it was all pictures! He sat down and looked for the index. He found it after the notice announcing the book was for use in synagogues for children aged five to twelve. There were six sections: Adam & Eve, Noah, Abraham, Joshua, Moses and Appendix: Job. Certainly not what he was expecting. He randomly looked at the middle of the scroll. There were pictures of Noah building the ark. Lovely hand-drawn cartoons, probably hand coloured too. He searched further along. Ah, Moses! It could only be him: white hair and beard, long flowing tunic, holding a gnarled staff and bent almost double under the weight of those Tablets of the Law. Magnificent! V24. The letters were hilarious and, Andrew surmised, made up by the staff to pad out the scroll. He read the next one: I gave birth to a daughter last Friday. All went well and she is a bonny child. My husband returned from the tavern just minutes later and told me he had seen a bright light in the sky, in the East. I asked him to tell me more but he collapsed on the floor. Ive heard about the signs relating to the birth of the Messiah. Does this mean its my daughter? V25. Peter was avidly reading the scroll, (or should that be avidly viewing it?). He thought it was wonderful as it showed what the heroes of the past looked like. He certainly had never realized how short Job was. Maybe that might explain why he was so miserable? Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
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and smile, smile, smile. The librarys now closing for a while, while, while. sang the librarian. Peter rerolled the scroll, put it back on the shelf and went to find Andrew. Text missing V29. As they walked down the road Andrew said to Peter,Did you find what you were looking for, Pete? You were there a long time! Oh! I forgot all about that, damn! Ill have to go back tomorrow. I must have got carried away reading the Torah! V30. Honestly? I never found it that exciting Text missing
*Torah: the first five books of the Hebrew bible.
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V16. Jesus was staying with his family in Nazareth after preaching in the towns and villages of Galilee. He was still working on an agenda for his mission and had spent several hours talking with God to firm up the details. As usual, God was insisting on a skeleton structure, but was leaving him free to decide the practicalities. V17. As he was passing the synagogue he noticed an open door and a handful of people going in. It was Thursday so that was unusual. He walked over and read the notice board. Any Questions? - The popular radio show comes to Nazareth. Rabbi Jonathan Dimblestein in the chair. Tonite. V18. I must have a look and he went in. Two men were waiting at the reception desk while the two receptionists, one seated and one standing, were asking questions. One man lifted his tunic and the standing receptionist smiled and ticked her clipboard. Then the other man did the same, and he too was ticked and given a ticket. Jesus approached the desk and said, Hello Naomi. Has it started yet? Not yet. In about five minutes. Did you want to see it Jesus? asked the shorter receptionist who was seated and pulling a ticket off the pile. V19. Hi Anna. Yes I do, it might be interesting, responded Jesus. Tonights meeting is special so we dont want Gentiles coming in, so youll have to prove youre a Jew, if thats OK. Jesus looked puzzled but said Yes, thats OK. Can you lift your tunic and show us your manhood please? Youve seen it before Naomi, when we were children and went swimming. I know Jesus, but this is official. Both Anna and I have got to see it and tick it off. Or you cant go in. V20. A look of realization contorted Jesus face. So thats why the nurses uniform! OK then. So Jesus lifted his tunic, Naomi smiled and ticked him off. As Jesus entered the main room he turned round and shouted back, Interesting job! But beware of temptation girls! Text missing V23. Let me introduce tonights panel. On my left, one of the senior priests at the Temple, His Holiness Zadock the Priest! (Muted applause from the audience). To his left, a lifelong disciple of Rabbi Hillel, Samuel bar Open!* (Loud applause). And to his left, a well-known local baker, but also a rabbi, Rabbi Kipling! (Loud applause).
Sadly, I have been sent apologies from Simon the Cynic, who said he was depressed and couldnt be bothered to come. (Muted groans from the audience). So that is our panel. First question please. Text missing V33. Jesus listened to questions about how to use yeast in bread, how to recycle salt that had gone off, wheres the best place to put a small lamp in a large room, what guests should you invite to a banquet, how much wine should you buy for a wedding. There were also a large number questions related to farming: about seeds, ploughing, weeds and hiring workers. Jesus was surprised at how wide ranging the questions were. V34. He thought one of the best was asked by a young lad just before the half-time refreshments. What
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the panels opinion of the eleventh commandment? Rabbi Jonathan queried the question, And can you tell us what that is? You know: Thou shalt not get caught. The audience burst into laughter. Text missing V50. There had been several questions about the Messiah when Rabbi Jonathan interjected. We have just enough time for one more question. Yes, you sir! A man was handed the microphone. What I want to know is, what does the panel make of Isaiah Sixty-one, verses one and two? Jesus stood up before anyone could speak. A technician swivelled a spot light to pick him out in the audience. V51. The spirit of the Lord is upon me..(murmurs) to bring good news..(louder murmurs). He has sent me..(shouting) to proclaim liberty and freedom! This is happening HERE and NOW! Jesus sat down as the meeting erupted in confusion, shouting and screaming. People rushed at him, grabbing his tunic and arms and throwing him about. Chairs and tables were overturned, microphones and spotlights crashed to the floor. In fact pandemonium by any other name. He was heaved out of the front door and thrown into the side alley, where he lost consciousness. Text missing V60. Jesus awoke to feel Anna and Naomi bandaging his leg and arm. Naomi saw he was conscious, Good job we had our first aid kit, you idiot! You could have got yourself killed. Ive never seen men so angry! What were you trying to do? asked Anna. V61. In your home town, youre always the little kid everyone remembers! You cant hear if you dont listen. So what were you saying to them, Jesus? asked Naomi. Jesus slowly rose to his feet as Naomi and Anna put his arms over their shoulders to support him. Take me home, please, and Ill tell you some rather good news! Text missing *bar means son of in Hebrew, as in Barabbas, Bartimaeus and Barzillai (OT). Son of Abbas, Timaeus and Zillai respectively. However the reader should beware assuming that this applies in all cases. Barge and Barmaid are common exceptions.
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the Gossip.
V33. Its today isnt it? asked Judas. Peter replied, Im not sure. Is it a month since we had the last one? Andrew joined the discussion. One month precisely. So todays the day! Levi heard the conversation and went over to where the disciples were talking. Whats this then? What happens once a month? V34. Youre the newest disciple Levi so you probably havent seen it yet. Seen what? queried Levi. Judas explained. Once a month Jesus has a surreal day. He says odd things, but theyre not all odd really, if you can remember what hes preached in the past. Its like he twists the words and you have to remember what he really said. Sort of like a game is it? asked a confused Levi, who started to look worried. Yes, you could say that. added Andrew. When we go out to tell people about Jesus, we cant take scrolls with us, so we have to remember what hes said. If we dont, its like the Good News becomes the Gold Hues, or something like that. V35. Like what happens in the game of whispers? Exactly! replied Peter. At that moment Jesus stuck his head round the door. He had an inane grin on his face as he looked at the expectant faces: Mask and you wont be recognized. Reek and youll have less friends. Lock and the door wont open. Breakfast is ready, so dont be late! Poached pegs and plenty of boast, all ready, willing and table! With that he left and could be heard skipping down the corridor. V36. See what I mean? And it goes on all day! I think its his way of unwinding from the stresses and strains of outrageous fortune! There! Hes got me at it as well! I really enjoy it, Peter, said a smiling Judas Ischariot.* Text missing V45. Mary, Jeff and James were hanging out the washing. A warm wind was blowing so it wouldnt take long to dry. There were a few items left in the washing basket so Jesus stopped to help. He hung up two tunics and three blankets but left the womens silk underwear in the basket. He turned to the three disciples, What van would give his son a rake if he asked for a bed? Jeff and James looked completely bewildered, but Mary replied. What van would give his daughter a harpoon if she asks for a leg? Touch Mary, touch! I must be off now, although I thought I was still fresh? He chuckled and left wearing a broad smile. Text missing V60. Jesus darted into the bedroom where two disciples were making the beds. Repant, repant believe the glued shoes! Sorry Lord, said Thomas, were you looking for your sandals or something? No Thomas, I have my sundials. Thank you for tasking, I couldnt have done it without you. Text missing V70. They had finished their cocoa and biscuits, gifts from a well-wisher, and were clearing away the crockery. You did very well this time round, said Jesus, maybe I didnt make it hard enough, or perhaps your memories are improving? So well done and black to norman tomorrow!
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Text missing
*Ischariot is the correct spelling. He used to own a haulage business.
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the Gossip.
V99. It was the middle of summer and excessively hot. The small town was typical of its kind: Closely packed houses, narrow streets, and dust everywhere. News of Jesus presence had attracted a large crowd so the place was jam packed, both with people and flies. Jesus had finished his teaching and he and his disciples were laboriously making their way back to their lodgings. V100. The dense throng was almost preventing any movement. The disciples were trying to keep some space around Jesus, so he wasnt knocked and buffeted, but it was almost impossible. People still wanted to be healed and to speak to him, and as usual he wouldnt refuse. V101. The crowd surged around Jesus and he heard a cry of anguish, AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! OWWWWWW! Jesus tried to see who it was but the press of bodies was too close. James shouted, Give us some room! Move back! Someones hurt! The disciples pushed and shoved to make space. Gradually the crowd eased around Jesus. The man who had screamed, but who was now groaning, was beside him. He was almost bent double, his long hair covering his face and his hands gesticulating purposelessly. V102. Jesus put a hand on his shoulder. What do you want me to do for you? The man bent even lower. He continued to groan and wail, his hands still flying about. Do you want to be healed? asked Jesus, almost shouting as the din from the restless crowd grew louder. The man continued to writhe and groan. V103. If you want to speak to me in private, come with me now. My lodgings are just ahead. Jesus reached under his arm and gently started towards the hostel. As Jesus walked forward the man straightened up slowly. His hands reached for his left foot, which he raised and started to massage. You stood on my foot! Look at it! I didnt want any healing, I was perfectly all right! Now look what youve done! Oh! said a shocked Jesus. V104. The crowd was still pushing and shoving, shouting and arguing, so no-one could hear the conversation. Jesus still had his hand under his shoulder and led him, hopping on one foot, to his lodgings. Ill sort it out once we get you inside. Perhaps a cup of Earl Grey would be in order? Text missing
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the Gossip.
V7. So who do you think you are you grubby little man! You come here spouting sedition and blasphemy! You denigrate the Temple and all it stands for! You dare to ridicule the priests and Levites! Its outrageous! Youre nothing but a vagrant, sponging off other people, telling them stories and lies. Giving them false hopes and aspirations! Abominable! You should be thrown out of this synagogue as your presence here is a desecration! The old Sadducee sat down, his red face sweaty, his body visibly shaking. The congregation was loudly talking amongst themselves, but their eyes were on Jesus. V8. The synagogue leader was slightly taken aback by the furore. He had been extremely happy up to this point. The visitors were wealthy men and donations would mean a new roof, if he was lucky. The chattering continued as a Pharisee stood up and addressed Jesus. Teacher, I may not completely agree with our friend here as he pointed to the sitting Sadducee, but you give me grave cause for concern. Pharisees try to explain the Law to the common man, to make it understandable and workable. God gave us the Commandments to live by. He also gave us the Oral Law as a means to establish what is right in circumstance unforeseen by the Torah. This we do to the best of our ability. V9. Yet you seem to pour scorn on our efforts! Isnt obeying the Law part of our covenant with God? You yourself have agreed that we should love God first, and then our neighbour likewise. Why then is our way not good enough? Admittedly the right wing of the party calls for revolution. The Romans have placed a terrible burden upon the country, and they need to be evicted. V10. A metallic voice could just be heard at the back of the room, Exterminate! Exterminate! I think our friend is being somewhat extreme, but many would share his sentiments. Right on brother! shouted a man in the middle of the room. Romans out! Romans out! Romans out! He was forced to sit down by his companions, although he did try to stand again. V11. As I was saying, the Temple and the priesthood may need reform or rather do need reform. No one can doubt it. The Sadducees and priests in the congregation started to voice their disapproval and the volume of the conversations started to rise again. But there are ways and means. You need to consider what is desirable and what is possible. Everyone should be a realist! V12. Gentlemen, gentlemen! Interrupted the synagogue leader. He had visions of the debate turning into a brawl and then it would mean more than just the roof would need repairing. Can we let Jesus speak? The talking died down and Jesus rose to his feet. V13. As you know, Im Jesus from Nazareth. And, to be honest and very direct, Im the Messiah. The room fell silent. Then a voice said, Why didnt you say so in the first place? Another voice joined in, Thats OK then, it makes perfect sense. Then another, Im glad you told us. These arguments were doing my head in! A hubbub of friendly conversation ensued. Text missing V20. The leaders of the various factions went up to Jesus and shook his hand. He remembered in particular a small gnarled figure, wearing what looked like monastic garb, whod wished him well and enigmatically said, May the force be with you! Now it was over and he was alone, apart from the synagogue leader who was re-arranging the chairs back into neat rows. V21. Jesus left the synagogue in good spirits. It was a breakthrough! Hed talked for hours and many had come to believe him. Hed obviously said and done the right things, so maybe hed have more successes in the future!
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V22. Outside he looked up and down the street. It was empty apart from a few women with children and a man drinking outside the tavern. Recognizing him, he walked with rising anger over to the cream suited figure with his panama hat. As he approached the man turned his head. Sucker! V23. Jesus awoke. Text missing
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V16. The synagogue school had just re-opened. The harvest was over and the kids, who were needed to help with all the tasks involved in the harvest, could return. There were a dozen kids of various ages from five to eleven, more girls than boys this year. V17. OK, lets settle down then children! commanded Sarah in a loud but not strident voice. Use the seats you had last time, itll make thing easier. They were an obedient group and quickly settled albeit with whispers and giggles. Text missing V20. Last time we talked about the Exodus. Do you remember? The Israelites escaped into the wilderness. Nathan, can you remember where they escaped from? It was from Egypt Miss. They didnt want to build anymore of those stupid pyramids and God said OK lets get out of here. Reuben added, They crossed the Red Sea and God made a gap on the water so they could walk straight through! Isnt that right, Miss? Yes, youre right Reuben; God did indeed part the water. V21. What do you think it was like in the wilderness? Mary put up her hand and replied, It was hot and dry and very dusty. There were no rivers or anything! Thats right Mary. How do you think they survived such a horrible place? James raised his hand and answered, They had lots of camels and donkeys. They would need hundreds to carry all the food and water. And tents and pots and pans and kettles, but they didnt have microwaves, did they Miss? shouted Ruth. V22. Im not sure about the microwaves Ruth; Ill ask you about them later. But I have to tell you that no, they didnt have lots of food and water with them. They ran out very quickly. If my Mum runs out of food, she asks my Dad to phone for a take-away. Thats what my Dad does too. When Mum doesnt cook they have a take-out. V23. Sarah intervened before the discussion veered off course. But in those days there were no phones or take-aways. No cafs or restaurants. So did they all die Miss? queried James. No, because God came to their rescue. He provided Manna for them to eat in the desert. V24. What is Manna Miss. Was it like kebabs or burgers or maybe some sort of boiled, spicy sausage? Well John, we dont really know. It was something that God provided for as long as they were in the wilderness. So God just gave them lots of free food then? Yes John, replied Sarah. V25. Miss interrupted David, I went with my Mum and Dad to see a prophet. It was in the middle of nowhere, just like the wilderness. People had just followed him to listen to his teaching. No one had worried about food, but I was hungry and kept on asking for something to eat. So did my brother and the other kids. People all around started to ask what they could do. And you know what? This Jesus gave out loads of food, we had lots to eat and lots left over. It was amazing. Everyone had such a good time it was more like a party! V26. Do you think it was another Exodus Miss? It sounds like it, doesnt it Hannah. It must have been, said David, we didnt have any food but Jesus gave us lots! V27. Sounds like you had a good time with Jesus then, David. He was amazing Miss, I really liked him! Didnt you know Jesus Miss? asked Miriam, the eldest girl in the group. Indeed I do. He used to live in Nazareth and some of you will remember him. I do! shouted Nathan. I do too! shouted John.
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V28. Sometimes he comes back for short visits, so keep your eyes peeled. It would be a pity if you missed him! enthused Sarah. I remember now! continued Miriam. You used to hang out with him! My Mum said youd marry him but he just left. I bet you love him! added little Sarah. Sarah, the teacher, blushed profusely. Yes I love him. Hes very, very special. If he comes here and you get to meet him, youll like him too! V29. The class erupted at that point. Teachers got a boy friend, teachers got a boy friend! Rabbi Rosenberg popped his head round the door. Ah, its good to see such enthusiasm in a class. Wonderful, just wonderful. The children were still chanting, but Sarah shouted to him, Weve been talking about Manna, Rabbi! Rabbi Rosenberg smiled, Manners eh! Manners maketh man, indeed for both Jew and Gentile. Yes, manners maketh man! and he wandered off humming to himself. Text missing
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V14. The kids were in the field behind the synagogue. As School was over they had gone to play Frisbee. Not all the class was there, as some of the elder boys had gone straight home to work with their fathers. This left Jesus, three boys and seven girls of various ages. V15. They flopped down on the grass after a long session of Frisbeeing. One of the boys, David, said, Why dont we play Do or Dare? Everyone, more or less, agreed. Jesus groaned and another boy, Nathaniel, grimaced. The one who picks the shortest straw gets kissed! continued David. V16. Straws were gathered, selected, measured, offered and drawn. Oh, its me, groaned Jesus. Yes, yes! shouted most of the girls and some of the boys. I was picked last time and the time before that! protested Jesus. Its a fix! No its not! said David, who in fact had manipulated the straws to Jesus disadvantage on several occasions. V17. Kiss me, kiss me! shouted the girls as they moved closer to Jesus. Jesus, under such extreme pressure, and feeling that at this point in his life perhaps it wasnt worth living, turned around and ran home. Cries of Spoil sport! Sissy! and Wimpy Woo! followed his retreat. Text Missing V33. There was a knock at the door and Jesus opened it. Sarah barged in, her arms folded on her chest and a scowl on her face. Youre such a dumbbell! Did you know that! All that could happen is that wed kiss you, nothing more. No whatyoumaycallit! Sorry, Sarah but there were too many kids. I always get picked and I felt too embarrassed. V34. Kissing is no big deal you know. Its what humans do. My mum and dad do it all the time. It just shows you like someone, that you like being with them. Said a plaintive Sarah. Youre right. My mum and dad kiss all the time too; its why Ive got so many brothers and sisters. Youre right. It shows friendship between people. V35. As you agree with me, do it! Sorry, Sarah. Do what? Queried Jesus. Were friends, I like you and you say you like me, so give me a kiss. No one else is here, so its just between the two of us. Jesus said Oh. and walked towards Sarah and kissed her on the right cheek, as he thought the right cheek should always be kissed first. A proper kiss you idiot! remonstrated Sarah. V36. Jesus held Sarahs face between his hands and kissed her full on the mouth, making mmmmmmm sounds at the same time. He was forced back by Sarahs hands, Let me breathe you moron! You really need more practice! Come to my house tomorrow and Ill give you the works! V37. What! exclaimed Jesus in alarm. Its an expression I heard on the TV yesterday. I thought it sounded cool, thats all, honest! said Sarah with a mischievous smile. Text missing V41. Ive got a present for you Sarah. I made it in my Dads workshop. Jesus stood up and walked towards the cupboard. I hope you like it. Its a dove Jesus opened the cupboard, retrieved the dove and took it back carefully to Sarah. She held out her hands to receive it. The dove was the size of a Jewish tennis ball, which is only slightly smaller than a regular English tennis ball. It had two holes for eyes and a small twig to symbolize a beak. Nevertheless and notwithstanding it looked more like a tennis ball than a dove or other flying object, that is, apart from a tennis ball in motion.
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V42. I thought you could use it as a paper weight as you have so many books and papers and things. You just have to be careful that it doesnt roll off the table, thats all. Its wonderful Jesus! Exclaimed Sarah with genuine delight. Its the best present youve ever given me! Sarah, responded Jesus, This is the first present Ive ever given you. Thats what makes it so special you fool! and she planted a field of kisses on his face. Text missing V56. Sarah reached into the pocket of her tunic and withdrew a necklace of wooden beads. These are for you. Your Dad helped me make them out of wooden off cuts. I polished them to make them look shiny. Theyre just amazing Sarah. Thank you! They really are beautiful! You must wear them all the time Jesus. You must let your hairy grow long and greasy and always wear sandals. Ill get you a head band too. If you had a guitar it would be even better! V57. Can I ask why? asked Jesus, who wanted to know the answer and was prepared to ask. Its so you can look like a hippy. Hippies are really cool these days and you ought to be one! Text Missing
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the Gossip.
V107. Jesus sat at the desk thinking and scribbling. Getting distracted, then thinking and scribbling. He heard the announcement on the police band radio. Jesus had been spotted in Jericho with some of his disciples. Would all units go there to assist in his apprehension. Jesus sighed. He knew what would happen and he felt sorry for the man. He would be arrested and taken for interrogation. Hed be roughed up to make him talk. Then theyd realise their mistake and beat him up again to vent their frustration. Then hed be unceremoniously dumped outside the city. His so-called disciples, probably just a group of friends, might suffer the same treatment or if they were lucky, they might just be warned to keep their mouths shut or else! V108. He switched off the radio. For the moment at least, he and his disciples were fairly safe. He returned to his thinking and scribbling. That morning he had found himself wondering about nicknames. Nicknames as a sign of intimacy and the result of close fellowship. His father had called him Mister Muscle, as a child and he was so proud of his special name. So far he hadnt really thought about nicknames for his disciples. He had called Simon, Peter, but that was an intimation of his future role and purpose, not exactly a nickname. V109. What did they call him, he wondered. Master was commonly used, but he didnt like its implications. Sure he had to cajole them, push them in the right direction and ask them to go the extra mile. Yes, he sometimes got angry with them when they refused to understand what he was about. But they were his friends as well as his followers! V110. He remembered hearing someone refer to him as The Old Man. Hed only heard it once so it obviously wasnt in common use. It did seem more appropriate to an office environment rather than his motley crew. Ah yes, Rabbi. Often used by some disciples as well as people he met. He was reasonably happy with that one but teaching wasnt his primary purpose was it? V111. Then there was Lord. That was OK. It was used when a disciple spoke from their soul to his soul: Spirit to spirit. He was indeed their Lord although they didnt really grasp it. They clutched at the edges but failed to find the centre. Text missing V122. Ah, thought Jesus. Thomas. Thomas the Tank Engine! Would he understand if I called him Puff Puff or maybe Choo Choo? Perhaps not. Andrew. Andy is short for Andrew. Andrew likes striped tunics. Blue and white stripes in fact! Andy Pandy might not be out of place there! Now John is going to be a difficult one. He already gets ribbed with, Are you off to the john John? or Is John in the john? Ill have to leave that one until later. V123. Matthew likes to be called Matt. Perhaps Carpet or Not Gloss if youre in a surreal mood? Jesus stopped abruptly and threw the pencil across the room. Why was he bothering with nicknames? It would soon be time when nicknames would be irrelevant. Time was short and it was no good wishing there was more. Joseph once gave him a difficult job, to make a wooden rocking horse. But he finished it after a long struggle and Joseph was so proud. Images of his father came to mind, and tears rolled down into his beard. You taught me far more than carpentry, Dad! Now his other Father had given him a far more difficult job, almost impossible, but he intended to be just as tenacious with this one! Text Missing
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the Gossip.
V71. Jesus was seated at the top of the hill. He reclined on a camping chair of the folding aluminium tube and cotton cloth variety. He had agonised, prayed and scoured all the sporting shops before hed made his choice. But it was worth all that effort. No longer would he have to stand for hours on end coping with a developing back ache. He was happy to think it had become de rigueur to teach whilst seated, a custom fostered by several famous rabbis. V72. Testing. Testing. One, two, three, he spoke into the microphone. Standing at the back of the crowd Thomas waved his arms. Peter, can you turn up the volume please. Thomas says he cant hear. Peter twiddled with the knobs and a loud screech emanated from the speakers before he twiddled again and it abated. Testing. Testing. Hickory dickory dock, and then he sang, Five, four, three, two, one! He looked at Thomas who was giving him the thumbs up. Thats fine Peter. Time to get the show on the road. Lets rock and roll! An announcement heard by the crowd as he still had the microphone switched on. Text missing V78. The Kingdom of Heaven is like a King who sends out invitations to a banquet. He has them delivered by his servants a month in advance, so all the guests are forewarned. When it comes to the day, he sends out his servants in the morning to remind his guests about the evenings festivities. Evening comes, the sumptuous food is laid out, the string quartet is awaiting the order to put bows to strings and the King is standing at the doorway waiting to greet his guests. V79. But no guests come. A footman arrives and says to the King. Lord Randolph regrets he cannot attend tonights function. He has purchased a vintage Rolls Royce and has taken it out for a test drive. Then a handmaid arrives, curtsies before the King and says. My Mistress apologises for not attending tonight. An unexpected visitor has arrived and she must attend to his every need, if you know what I mean, your Majesty! Further excuses are delivered, but the King remains at the door until every guest is accounted for. V80. Jesus stopped telling his parable when he saw two ice cream vans hurtling along the road at the side of the hill, followed by a police car with flashing blue lights. The noise of the jingles and wailing police siren was tumultuous. The crowd stood to see what was happening and only sat back down slowly once the tumult had died down. Suddenly a loud rumble reverberated across the hill, causing many in the crowd to look at the sky for signs of a thunderstorm. But the sky was its usual artistic blue. Jesus lifted the microphone off his stomach and noticed it was still turned on. Must be lunch time he thought. V81. The final excuse was delivered to the King by a butler in top hat and tails. The Lord Chamberlain sends his regrets your majesty but he cannot attend tonights function. The Lord Chamberlain was attacked by burglars at his home this afternoon. He apprehended them at the front door but they escaped inside after they shot off his right leg. The Lord Chancellor was enraged and hopped after them on his one remaining foot. They went upstairs to where he keeps his valuables. He managed to climb the stairs and apprehend them in the study. Unfortunately they escaped again after cutting off his left arm with a sword, of the Samurai variety, that hangs over the fireplace. V82. He did not give up but hobbled after them, and caught up with them in his bedroom. He tried to restrain them but had his other foot shot off. Not his whole leg mind you, just his left foot. Nevertheless he managed to reach into his bedside cabinet, grab his revolver and shoot all three of them dead. The King was upset that one of his oldest friends had had such a traumatic experience. So he asked the butler how Geoff, the Lord Chancellor, was doing. Hes doing fine your Majesty. He would still have come but his wife insisted he stay in bed with her as she has a special way of making things better.
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V83. Now all the guest were accounted for and none had come to the banquet! The King couldnt believe it. His so-called good and loyal friends had ignored him! He rushed into the servants quarters and told his staff to collect all the food and drink and load it into his fleet of cars and transits. He told the drivers to get dressed ready to go down town. V84. Once the vehicles were ready, the string quartet loaded onto the back of a pick up, the staff jammed into minibuses, the King headed into town. He drove to the poor quarter. He had the staff unpack the banquet, the quartet play excerpts from Handel and invited all the poor and destitute to help themselves and have a good time. He himself changed out of his regalia, put on a footmans uniform, took off his wig and joined in the festivities. V85. Jesus saw the two ice cream vans speeding back round the hill, seemingly retracing their steps . Two police cars were not far behind and just behind them two police motorbikes. The noise was strident. He switched off the microphone before putting it down on his lap. Text missing
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the Gossip.
V12. Seemingly random memories of childhood wafted across his consciousness. A huge smiling face peering down at him. Dad? He grabs the long beard. The face disappears and his small hand is gently pulled away. The smiling face re-appears. Is it Dad? Now he has a fever. Everyone in the village has the fever. Children are dying. He feels the warmth of his mothers body. She stays beside him for days and days to keep him warm. So soft and warm. So secure. I wish I was still there, back home in Nazareth. V13. A wooden horse. A rocking horse? Dad hugging him. Dad was so proud he cried. Did he make the horse? Yes, he must have done. It seems so long ago. Thirty years? More? Less? Faster you Jewish scum. Time to make your grand exit! Who said that? He turned his head but it was no use, blood and sweat stung his eyes and he could hardly see. V14. School and children. Lots of kids. Friends? Yes. Nathan and David and Matthew and.and. Sarah! Lovely Sarah. Sarah and endless conversations. Sarah the first girl he ever kissed. Sarah who could read him like a book and understood him as no one else has or had or would. Did he see her in the crowd? Is she here? Please no! Not like this! She wont cope! Text missing V28. Come on scum bag. Cant keep your audience waiting, O king! Voices again. Why do they keep shouting? Dad! Teaching him how to use tools. How that hammer hurt when he hit his thumb. Running to Mum crying. Mum! Mum! So long ago. How many years? Thirty, forty, sixty, hundreds? Too long, too far away. All going, going. Soon it would be gone. V29. Come on slow coach. Dont hassle me or youll regret it! Men. Lots of men. Who are they? Theyretheyre my disciples! Its Peter and Matthew and John and.. Theyre gone. I cant picture them anymore. Where? Where are they? V30. Not far now scum bag. Youll have a good view from up there! What are those? Fingers? Fingers pointing at the sky? A giant hand? Cant be. Three fingers standing up? No! Theyre poles for crucifixion! Were here! All those memories, thirty years, forty years? Theyll disappear! V31. Put the beam down and stay here until were ready. Must go on. Cant feint. Mustmust go onNot the endNot yet! Text Missing
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the Gossip.
V33. The door was flung open so hard that it hit the wall, bounced back and shuddered. Mary! Mary! Ive seen him! Ive seen Jesus! Sarah burst in and jumped up and down and round and round the room. Sarah please stop, youll make me dizzy! V34. Mary Ive seen your son, Ive seen our Jesus! Sarah please sit down. I cant copy with you like this! Sarah ceased her gyrations and sat down next to Mary, but continued to squirm and wriggle on the bench. Ive seen him; honest Ive seen him in the flesh. Not a spectre or a ghost or some womans hysterical imaginings, but a real live, lovely Jesus! V35. Thank God! Im so glad for you Sarah and so relieved. So many others have seen him but I didnt know about you. We had no idea where you were or what you were doing. Im sorry I left you in the lurch after he died, Mary, but I just couldnt take it. I saw him going up to Golgotha and I saw him die but then I just had to leave, I had to leave Jerusalem. I cant tell you how upset I was, I just cried and cried and cried. It was thee worst day of our lives but I can understand why it affected you so badly. You two were almost inseparable when you were younger. V36. I was so upset, well I was so upset that I wanted to..to kill myself. Oh Sarah no! and Mary grabbed her and held her tightly in her arms. No Sarah no! You cant, you mustnt! But I wanted to Mary. I went back to Nazareth and avoided everyone. I stole some rope from the synagogue and went to the field where we used to play. I sat down and tried to make a noose but just couldnt remember how to make the knot. Mary relaxed her grip on Sarah but kept one arm round her waist. V37. While I was getting more and more frustrated, a man rode into the field on a bicycle. Rather unusual for Nazareth I thought! He stopped, got off, laid his bike down and sat in front of me! I told him to piss off as I wanted to be alone and definitely didnt want any idiotic men around! V38. He had the cheek to ask me if I was having a bad time! Well, I just exploded at that point. I told him to mind his fing business and to go to hell! I said lots of other things but I dont remember them as I totally lost control. I was crying, screaming and shouting, grabbing stones and rocks and throwing them at him. And you know what he did? He said, Sarah. Come and give me a kiss and a hug for the last time. A kiss. A kiss for the last time! Suddenly I knew it was him! He was there right in front of me and I hadnt recognized him! I couldnt believe it! V39. He looked at me and I ran to him and hugged him as hard as I could. I kissed him and kissed him until he asked me to stop, and then I burst out crying. He asked me why I hadnt remembered his promise. I asked which one? How he would teach me to make spinning tops or how he would teach me to surf? He laughed and said no, the important promise: How he would always be with me! With stupid old me, Mary! Stupid me! Sarah burst out crying again. V40. Sarah, Sarah. Its OK, its OK. Hes alive. Weve seen him and hes going to stay with us. So many people have seen him lately and now you as well. Im so relieved that you saw him too. You were special. You had the chance to kiss him goodbye! Sarah cried even more. I loved him..I loved him so much Mary, you know I did. I knew he was someone special. Really special. I cant stop loving him and I know he loves me, and you and all of us. Text Missing V50. The funny thing is, Mary, when he rode off on his bicycle it made a Brrrring sound. I didnt know what it was so I looked again at the bike, and I spotted a little engine on the back wheel. It was amazing!
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Id never seen one before although Id heard of them. Where do you think he got it from, because I could use one to commute to work?
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the Gossip.
V3. The disciples were sitting, lolling or pacing up and down the room. It was that time of the month. To be more precise, it was that time of month when their clothes and bedding went off to the laundry. The usual routine was for the laundry to be collected and returned within the hour. The men had to suffer staring at loin cloths for fifty minutes at most, and to save any embarrassment, the women had to stay in the upstairs room. It usually went like clockwork and very clean clockwork at that. V4. It was a gloomy two hours later when the messenger arrived at the door. He said the laundry apologized profusely but the police had confiscated all their laundry when they noticed Jesus of Nazareth written on the delivery note. They had of course demanded to know where he lived but the laundry told them the washing had been left at the shop and would be collected, so they couldnt help. The messenger apologized again and retreated. V5. What can we do Lord? pleaded James. We dont have any spare clothes here, it all went to the wash! said Peter. Jesus stood up and walked to the bottom of the stairs. He shouted up. Mary! Can you get the women to bring down all the clothes that theyre not wearing? Bring the bedding as well, please. We have a situation down here! Text missing V9. The garments and bedding were in a heap on the table. Jesus told them to find something that made them look vaguely respectable. They dived into the pile and rummaged round; trying on clothes and throwing them back when they didnt fit. Finally the rush was over and Jesus walked to the table to see what remained. Only one garment remained: a dress. It was Annas old dress that she wore before she became a disciple. It gleamed in the sunlight for it was covered in sequins, coloured glass beads and gold threads. It was alive with purples and pinks. This was only to be expected, as Anna had been a famous prostitute not so long ago. V15. Well have to do something about getting some clothes Lord. I dont feel comfortable! said Jude wearing a tight leather mini dress and with his chest squeezed into a boob tube. Where can we get clothes on the cheap? queried Peter, his face hidden in a scarf and his torso completely submerged in a voluminous tunic. Jesus responded, Would someone go to the Clothes4U charity shop. Grab some mens clothes and if anyone asks what the hell youre doing, tell them that the Lord has need of them? Text missing V19. Peter had only been gone for two minutes when he returned somewhat shaken. They whistled and leered at me Lord. Those men on the building site opposite! I couldnt take it! They probably thought you were a voluptuous woman Peter. They cant see any of you in that garb with that scarf covering you face. Take the scarf off and roll up your sleeves. Once they see your beard and hairy arms theyll lose interest! Peter adjusted his clothing, removed his scarf and left. Two minutes later he returned shaking. Lord they whistled even louder! One builder asked if Id like a pint with him when he finishes work! Im not going out again! V20. Andrew stood up and volunteered to go. He threw the sheet around him, opened the door and confidently strode out. Five minutes later he too returned, covered in what looked like pieces of soft fruit. The stupid inhabitants of this dozy town thought I was a Roman procurator or senator or something. They grabbed fruit off the market stalls and threw it at me! Can you believe it? Text Missing
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V23. Jesus opened the door and left. Do you think hell be alright? asked Thomas. Im not so sure, responded Peter. That dress hes wearing is a bit OTT*. In fact, he looks like a transvestite and an attractive one at that. This is a rough naval town and they could well be into that sort of thing. So do you think hes in any danger then? queried Andrew, who was still picking fruit out of his hair. God only knows. said Peter, who then said to himself, Yes, the Beach Boys if Im not mistaken. Text Missing V29. Jesus returned and heaved a pile of clothes onto the table. You can start with those and then we can go and fetch some more. How did it go Lord? asked Andrew, We were worried, what with your long hair and that risqu dress! It was fine, really. I got talking to the builders and guess what, theyre coming round after work! No Lord! You didnt! You havent got us blind dates have you? shouted Peter in abject terror. Peter, you numskull!** Theyre coming round to hear about the Kingdom. We got talking and they were keen to know more. Thats all. Text Missing
* Over The Top, whatever you understand by that. ** Dumbbell, poltroon or similar.
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the Gossip.
V1. Hows it going Tobias*? Youve been at it for hours. Its going fine Yeshua but its much more work than I imagined. It could turn out to be my Magnum Opus**. Ive got, what is it now, three or four suitcases full of notes. More parables than Ive had hot dinners and sermons that run to four pages at least. Im having a difficult time deciding what to include and what to leave out. V2. You can only do your best. I picked you because I liked your style, your manipulation of words, your sensitivity to nuances, your. Cut it out Yeshua, you could write a better gospel than me. After all its all about you! No time, no time replied Jesus. I have to leave it in your capable hands. V3. But what about the other gospel writers? Ive seen some of the rough drafts and theyre nothing like my book! They leave so much out and write in such a stilted way. You dont come across as the real you, Mary is hardly mentioned and theres nothing about Sarah. They dont mention the fire, the coach trip to Egypt nor the snow storm that cut off Jerusalem for three days. They even omit the time you made it rain! Dont get so worked up Tobias. Theyve recorded important events just as you have. Your account might not agree with theirs but their accounts dont always agree either. And I must correct you. It was Honi*** that caused the rain, not me. Was it? You sure about that? Text missing V7. Yeshua, Ive had to use the name Jesus in my gospel so I didnt confuse the readers. Your other gospels always use that name so Ive had to follow suit. I noticed Tobias. Its funny really. I was born Yeshua and Ill die as Yeshua but now everyone calls me Jesus. It took me ages to respond to that name, I thought they were calling someone else. Im used to it now. Text Missing V10. Yeshua, are there any bits I must include in the book, or any bits I ought to leave out? Like that time you screamed blue murder and used profanities, or were they just foreign words? I dont think it is particularly important that I dropped an anvil on my foot Tobias. Helping someone move house isnt theologically significant and hurting my foot doesnt have the same merit as say a parable or a teaching. I leave it up to your editorial judgment. However as a rule of thumb, a sort of template, lets say parables and teachings are in but what I ate for dinner, and incidental accidents are best left out! V11. Just one more question Yeshua before you go. How long can this gospel be? Well Tobias, as long as you want to write it. But, and its a big but, it will be written on a scroll and big scrolls become too heavy to move. So youll have to write within those constraints. Good luck for now, Ill see you again soon. V12. Hang on Yeshua, Ive remembered another question! Jesus stopped at the door and turned round. Its about marketing the scroll. Do you intend to sell it with freebies like plastic toys or collectors cards? Or maybe discount tickets to the zoo or circus, you know, children go free? Jesus stepped back into the room. I think youll find youve already included a free gift in your scroll. It wont need anything else V13. Sorry Yeshua, I dont quite understand. Run it past me in simple English. Come on Tobias! Whats the whole point of writing your Gospel or any of the gospels? Tobias slumped back in his chair confused. Suddenly he sat bolt upright. Of course! Eternal life! Whats on offer is eternal life for everyone who wants it! Right on brother! said Jesus as he opened the door and left.
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* The gospel author in case you hadnt realized.. ** Big book or major work or just the big one! *** Honi the Circle Drawer.
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End Piece
I hope you enjoyed this book and maybe laughed out loud once or twice? It was intended to be a humorous book but with a quirky spirituality running underneath. Jesus said and did many things and different people see him in different ways, often contradictory. I have looked at him through my own rose-tinted spectacles and this book is the result. You may be satisfied with the humour. If it tempts you to read the gospels to find out what he actually said and did and was, then I will be pleased. If it makes you re-think your relationship with Jesus, I will be even more pleased. Clearly Jesus and the disciples said and did many more things than are recorded in the short gospels. All humans like jokes, fun and games, and Im sure they did as well. As Tobias records in fragment 20: Remember, the Kingdom is not just hard work. No sir, we have some fun and games as well! For my part Ive had fun and gained insight writing this book. I hope you have fun and find insight reading it. If you have any complaints, please contact God, as he supplied the brain I used to write this book.
Bob Schulz
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Biography
Bob Schulz is a retired Civil Servant aged sixty. He currently lives in England and always has. Married to a dog named Toffee; he has a wife and three adult children, two cats and a ferret. In his earlier years he failed a sociology degree as well as registration as a psychiatric nurse. His career has included bicycle repairing, horology, youth and social work, market gardening and forestry. Before early retirement he was a mediocre Civil Servant for over twenty uneventful years. His achievements include a diploma in counselling and a City and Guilds in motorcycle repair and maintenance. He has had several irate letters published in various periodicals. He suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and attempts to cope with its ramifications. Although he has phases of attachment to various churches, he finds commitment difficult but continues to believe in Yeshua, incorrectly called Jesus. This is his first published book. Other projects remain on the shelf.
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The Truth as Never Before Told, to Anyone.
Hear the conversations between Jesus and his disciples, friends and family. Find out what made the human Jesus tick.
Passion, love, betrayal and vending machines!
Have a good read without spelling mistakes!
I was pleased to receive a signed copy. It is an outstanding book and one that I shall always treasure. It sits in pride of place on my coffee table, its bright colours resplendent in the sunlight. I intend to read it when I have more time.
T N T Wright
So well written and understandable. No one can fail to be moved by its inclusive theology. I have no hesitation in urging all Christians to go out and buy a copy. The NIV is not to be missed. The Tobias Gospel? Never heard of it.
Elaine Pagelles
It was certainly time someone of calibre stirred up the academic world of New Testament research. For too long we have witnessed a sterile debate between entrenched religious experts, with little creative dialogue. Unfortunately Professor Myatt is not that someone.
P E P Sanders
For my sins I rather like the book. It has that, Je ne sais qua, about it. Funny in places, serious in others and decidedly laughable somewhere else. I didnt buy my copy; I found it on a park bench. Its a good read if it doesnt cost anything.
Spike Mulligan
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The Gospel of Tobias The Gossip

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*Hebrew for story or tale that contains a moral or spiritual purpose.

None None None None None None The world

Jesus of Nazareth, of the line of David.

*Torah: the first five books of the Hebrew bible.

*Ischariot is the correct spelling. He used to own a haulage business.

The Truth as Never Before Told, to Anyone.

Have a good read without spelling mistakes!

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