Its been 8 days since I underwent the surgery to have my tumors removed.

The pain is gone but its still few more days for the stitches to go. Up till now I was living in denial that I am suffering from this dreadful disease because everything was happening so fast.. Blood work, CT scans, meeting one doctor after other. There was always this hope that one of the doctor would tell me Nishu, you are fine (which I always thought I was for past 2-3 months even after knowing about this lump, simply because there was no pain or any other discomfort which makes you believe that you are sick). But sadly no one did and everyone had almost the same opinion that there is something very bad going on inside my body. But for the last week that I have spent resting on the bed having nothing but my thoughts to wander with, I think I have started to come in realization with the fact that I have Cancer. So cancer haan! Cancer at 20! Very difficult to digest both for you and people around you. Medically I have stage 1 mixed Germ cell tumor in my left testicle (In short testicular cancer). Its a rare form of cancer especially if you are an Indian. Most people dont even know that something like this can happen down there. Usually cases of this form of cancer are found in Caucasian population of North America and Europe & I have no idea how it found me. The final confirmation about stage and nature of the cancer would come after the biopsy report, which is still awaited. This is the same kind of cancer that Yuvraj Singh had recently. Although my case is much less complicated than his as he had it in his thorax (lungs) which is more difficult to handle. The most famous case of testicular cancer although is Lance Armstrong who went on to win Tour de France 7 times after recovering from stage 3 of this disease. One thing quite clear from looking at the people who had this disease that it strikes you in the prime of your life. It is the most common cancer in the age group of 20-34 years in America. Now keeping everything aside lets talks about the flood of emotions that rush to your brain when you hear that you have cancer. The question that definitely comes to your mind first is Why me????This is a question you can ponder day & night. It slowly starts eating you. What have I done wrong in these 20 years of life, Why this pain & suffering..why me??? The question that immediately follows is Am I going to die??? What little of this society I have seen, one thing is quite clear cancer for most people means the end of the world. What about my familycan they bear this pain???? , Are there medicines available to save me, Would my life ever be same as before.the more you realize that you have cancer, bigger this list of questions grows. Lets try to answer some of these questions from my perspective. Why me well I guess no one can answer this question. No one (even doctors) can tell you why some of your cells went crazy. For me the only way for erasing this question from my mind was the acceptance of the disease and preparing myself mentally to fight it. During my trips to various cancer clinics I have seen people (even children) suffering from horrible forms of cancer. Many of them not even being treatable. What has that little Kid done wrong? You tend to appreciate your suffering when you see people are in much worse pain then you but still fighting. No, I am not a very spiritual person but I do believe in karma. Your past actions will always come to haunt you in one form or other. The key is to not get attached to these past actions and the suffering they are causing. You need to move forward and take things as they are. The day you believe that. Yes I can have cancer but I cannot let cancer have me that would be end of question Why me????

Now Am I going to die? This is a tricky question with cancer. There are forms of it where the aim of medication is just to reduce pain before the death, while there are also the forms where people can be treated/ cured within a span of months. Early detection is always the key. The problem with cancer is that it fills you life with fear. You seem physically fit but inside there is that constant fear you are living in. There is always the question that what my chances are. The chance of surviving Years have passed on with doctors and researchers trying to understand this disease. Yes there are some amazing drugs available today for treating cancer..but in many cases still its the beginning of the end. The nature of disease is such that one day it may seem that cancer is gone. & within a month it will be back in a much bigger form. Testicular cancer is one of the most curable form of Cancer . Very few forms of cancer are actually fully curable and I consider myself lucky in that sense. Cure rate are as high as 90 %. Stage 1 of the disease means that my tumor cells were still very much restricted to their place of origin & had not spread to the other part of the Body (called metastasis). This further means that I have very good chances of recovery. Though I will need a 2(maybe more) round adjuvant Chemotherapy (standard 3 drugs BEP used all over the world) to reduce the chance of relapse of the disease. Finally one last questionDo people Change after cancer? Ask any cancer survivor and the answer will be yes. I dont know what goes on medically once after you are treated of cancer but as a person, yes you are changed. The shear feeling of triumph of overcoming the pain and fear of this disease is too great. With triumph also comes the sense of responsibility. There are cancer survivors who dedicate their whole life to raise awareness about this disease. So what about me? Am I changing? Well my journey through this battle has just started. There is a long fight that I have to undertake. But already past one month has changed my perceptions about few things. What are these changers..well I would be sharing them in my coming posts. But believe me, sharing a post like this with you people is the start of these changes (I know hearing about this would be a shocker for few of you as I havent told many and I am sorry for that). Having this disease as at least taught me to share your feelings (both happy and sad) with people around you. More you hide your pain, more it starts eating you (most appropriate for cancer). Hopefully i would get out of this soon.