Just Between Us

Toxic Personalities
How to deal with difficult people
by Major Kathie Chiu
Corps Officer and Executive Director of The Caring Place Ministries, Mountain View Community Church, Maple Ridge, B.C.

usan* looked upset when she came into my office. I knew something was up. Id heard the scuttlebutt there was a conflict brewing. She sat down in the chair and nervously fiddled with a tissue. I have a problem with Janet,* she said in a matter-of-fact way. Shes causing a lot of problems among the staff. She gossips and you cant trust her. All the staff feel the same way. So what can I do to help you? I asked. Help me? she answered. Its her you have to do something about! But I thought you said you had a problem with Janet, I responded. How can I help you deal with your problem? Dealing With Difficult People There always will be people at work, school and in our families who behave inappropriately or in a way we consider to be toxic. Interpersonal conflicts can be difficult to navigate and we often dont have the skills to know how to respond. Toxic people can be recognized by some easily discernible behaviour patterns, such as: Intimidating others by raising their voices or becoming violent Talking down to others Telling others what they think is wrong with them Slandering people behind their backs Discouraging others from pursuing their dreams Taking advantage of others kindness or manipulating them to get what they want Generally speaking, a person is toxic to your emotional health if their behaviour makes you feel bad on a regular basis. How do we deal with difficult people? We cannot change them. But we can change how we react to them. We can also change how we let them affect us. On the TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation, whenever an enemy ship approached the Enterprise, Captain Jean28 SalvationiSt April 2009

Luc Picard would say to his second-incommand, Shields up, Number One. In the same way, whenever Im dealing with a difficult person, Ive learned to say, Shields up, Kathie, as a way of protecting myself from the trauma and detaching myself mentally from the stress of the moment. Its proven to be a very helpful tactic. Building Healthy Relationships Dealing with difficult people requires us to be intentionally healthy in the relationships we pursue. That is the first step in dealing with them. Here are some ways to build healthy relationships: Become a good communicatorlearn how to listen to others, including what they are not saying Be kind and look for the best in people Avoid gossip and speak words of encouragement Be quick to forgive Have a good sense of humour and dont take yourself too seriously Work at relationships but dont overanalyze Learn to be concerned yet remain

detached when dealing with difficult people As you navigate the sometimes rocky road of interpersonal relationships, its always good to keep Gods Word handy. I recall sharing these words from Ephesians 4:31-32 with Susan: Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Thats exactly what Janet should do! Susan exclaimed. Youre right, I answered, but this advice is for you, too. I know its hard to forgive someone else, especially when she never seems to change. But with Gods help you can find the patience to deal with this situation. Learning how to forgive and be compassionate is a tall order. I know I sometimes fall short of what God expects from me. However, I remind myself that Im not alone in this. God is there to help me when relationships are hard to handle. *Not her real name

Learn to protect yourself from the stress of the moment