And the Devil challenged God 1997

March 5,

Have you come for your revenge, Do you still persist after my soul? Leaching on my mind you tease the sanity that I have left. Broken walls lie around my heart. The lies and crumbling emotions like a cancer still eat at my very essence. Battles and wars that constantly are fought in my conscience Never are celebrated with victory, only with complete destruction. Will you ever let me be, To let me regain the joy that I once knew? A peace that I have so long forgotten, A sanctuary that antagonisingley burns before me, Knowing that it can never be reached. Dear God save me from this insanity. Rescue me from the wreck of my soul. Will nothing satisfy your hunger, Are there no bounds that you havent met? Your skills so carefully sewn into the weakness of my entity. Once again celebrate your past victory. But the battle will never be over until you finally have my soul trapped in your domain. God grant me the knowledge that I so desperately seek. Give me the perseverance to see another day.

Circle of Life

22.01.97

Night falls and darkens our despair, Our minds churn trying desperately to regain our youthful innocence, Lost in a haze of conscious guilt we plod forward, Adding to the construction of our already lost lives. No turning back once the clock strikes twelve, Again we begin to walk in our predetermined destruction, Gaining the little courage it can, The earth hails a new messiah, Its held many and lost more. A new night covers the sins of the day thats passed, And the circle begins again, Is there hope or has she been raped of her virtue? Is there Love, or has she been murdered by lust? Is there Justice, or has she been imprisoned by corruption ? Was there any youthful innocence to lose?

15 December 1994
Is it possible to ever reach the zenith of maturity, emotionally? To be ripped apart and devoured by the harshness of vicious lies, mixed emotions and finally self hatred. Is it possible to die of a broken heart? To have been neglected by the world and cast aside, To be looked at and made to realise your worthlessness to humanity and yourself? Is it possible to hate naturally and physically? To long for the judgement of enemies To hear the cry for salvation in anguish, and the turn and feel nothing but self gratification. Is it possible to loath yourself? To hurt yourself purposely and take pleasure in your pain, To feel inspired by the cry that is welling up inside you, the very cry that will not be permitted to escape, as the satisfy your tormented state of mind. Nothing will be accomplished by the following the recipe of the mind. Nothing but revenge, revenge that can not be experiences by the damned. Lose your sense of fear and be linked to the fountain of over used dramatic endings, all to be born and rise only to fall and form the basis of faith.

EMOTION Alone in my emotion, to close to the equator of my soul. My body years for fulfillment, My heart cries for its lover. Sentenced to this life of deprivation Judged by my spirit, Ironic as it may be.... Kicked and torn, bruised and bleeding motionless and cold destroyed and stagnant This is me.

Fuck you all to hell

Theres this really psychotic side of me that wants to break out from the bondage Ive chained it in, I want to smash, gouge and destroy everything around me, I want to massacre myself, rip the flesh from my bones. I want to be chained down somewhere in some hospital and fed morphine, I want to be considered a danger to myself alone. I want them to see what they have done, They have caused this side to emerge, Its been so tranquil for so long, so drugged into my routine. I can taste the immense sense of relief I would feel after that, I would have dispersed all my rage, my wild state of mind. Its not over, it hasnt even begun to surface. I want to annihilate, I want to seek them out and punish, I want to watch them suffer Each minute of their grief would restore my norm, Each tear and ounce of anguish would rehydrate my soul, I want to see them bleed, I want their blood to fill my void, I want to see them suffer eternal damnation, I alone will control their torture, each second, a promise more worse then before I will dispose of their rotten bodies, I will rip them apart limb from limb and devour my revenge, I want to see them stripped of their pride and vanity, I will curse the ground they walk on so it will never produce life again,

I will curse the air they breath, poison it shall be for its betrayal I will see my justice done, I will see that my dues are paid, I will see them all destroyed, All in my glory

I am dead

April 4, 1998

Am I not permitted my overdue rapture, Have I insulted and degraded you to that extreme ? I have found my utopia and yet am forbidden to its fruits. Have I not acted enough in this skit that surrounds me ? Do I need more, more hurt, rejection, anguish and humiliation? I have given you all, Cant I delight in any of your splendor and grace ? Have I not earned my place in your mercy ? I feel my soul caving in, My little security showing traces of tension and despair. Should I blame myself for my misconception, For my pathetic inadequacies? I have nothing left to give, Ive sacrificed all I have for my so termed sanity. My dream twisted and contorted, My heart ripped and devoured, My soul broken and with no promise. I stand naked before you, You have even been exposed to the crevices of my soul. I can not fall lower,

My body is too weak to give anymore. This maize has finally overcome me, I am dead.

I am weak

29.10.99

I am weak, my body bruised The cry of my heart remains unanswered, My soul years for its fix. My torment and anguish becomes to intense to bear. The burdens I support are breaking my spirit. My destroyer remains perfectly intact, carried by his sins. His peaceful countenance enrages me. The words he utters are those of peace and fulfilment. Here I lie in my coffin, murdered by my fear. My flesh longs for him, my body screams for his and yet I am paralysed. My judgement, too heavy to bear is crushing my being, Ripping the very breath out of my lungs. He sits, waits, anticipating my fall from righteousness, Willing for my pain to totally destroy me. Is his patience in vain? Will he see me crushed under his heal? My emotions have begun to heighten and they add to my souls sorrow,

They ring in my mind timelessly, Their beckoning too excruciating to cast aside. The seasons of my death have just begun to sprout. Their fruit so bitter to taste, Their flowers so powerfully enticing to pick, So unresistable, so perfectly moulded. The scent they omit, sweeter than honey And yet lure to total destruction. My life, worthless. The yearn of my entire being a shameful lie.

I will follow you

I will be with you tonight, My love turned bitter to contempt, I will lay beside you tonight, Your dreams, plagued with my ire. I will caress you tonight, My soul will expel your every thought, I will protect you tonight, Youre aura will be ripped apart by my jealousy, I will follow you tonight, and always. You life will be haunted by my mere existence, I will find you now and in eternity, You will never be alone, You will never slumber, You will never be at peace

I will win

26 April 1993

I am aware of who is behind me, Constantly trying to grasp their revenge on my soul, Dare I speak the words, dare I set the Prince of Perdition free? He is used as a vessel of temptation, Is he succeeding? Is he out to destroy me this time? Pulled deeper into the Prince of the Airs clutches, Hes fulfilling my lust and yet destroying my emotions, Firing his flaming darts into my mind, filling my head with unnatural thoughts/ They try to crawl deeper into me, To return to the place in which they were put to rest, I am reminded frequently of that faux pas which will taunt me for the rest of my days, When will this suicidal torture ever stop?

INNOCENCE

15 December 19.94

Innocence, is mans distorted picture of justification and self conception. That is why, no life can be breathed into its meaning. Believe in yourself, it is the key to all happiness. Purify yourself, look at your reflection and find beauty in what you see, Beauty deep within, Beauty that can not be touched by mortal influences. Search fore the meaning of life and you will fins it hidden away deep in your heart, Along with the secret of immortality and youth. Awaken from the deadened sleep that has overcome the reasoning of vitality and freedom. There you will find the innocence of time and age, There you will reason with the impossibilities of minds which have poisoned and distorted the serene beauty of innocence. The very innocence that we were all born with . The innocence of life.

Life Junkie

21.5.97

I see myself in the past, alone. There are no memories of normal moments, There are no memories of right choices, There are no memories of peace and tranquillity, There are no memories o f love and hunger, There are no memories of pureness and righteousness There are no memories of satisfaction, There are no memories of security, There are no memories of wholeness, There are no memories of equality, There are no memories of sanity.

I had a dream, Dark and violent. There were mirrors in every corner of my mind, Reflecting my rage, anger and insecurities. A dove in flight took my attention from the masses that lay slain all around. It rose to high and was lost in the blood sky. Gone is our hope, gone is our distraction. I took a step and began the journey to my soul. I passed a dried lake, Dead creatures lay on the floor. Mouths wide, salvation given. The red sun cowered when I turned to see their murderer. It fell recklessly to the earth and dissolved into its crust. The sky was bare, Dark and barren. I was blinded to my path but felt myself being drawn forward. I continued aimlessly, There was no fear. I felt a surge of pity An emptiness that could not be filled. My legs broke to a run and I could not control my anger. I need to escape this darkness. I tripped and could feel myself falling down a bottomless pit

There was no light, just the screaming emptiness that enveloped me.

Purgatory

22 February 19.98

Embedded in lost emotions , I am able to recapture my forcefully forgotten youth, My anguish for revenge remains precisely intact, My soul, dormant, and my prison lustfully fertile. The physical pain and torment have since dulled, They have left their alter secure in my mind. Depravation still looms with a promise never to leave, A battle was fought and triumphantly surrendered to its master, A Monarch to powerful to oppose. Im at rest in my purgatory, Nomadically blind to my escape. My maize thickens at every turn My memory, to lost to its sin to track my peace, My hell, My doing, My dream. I shall never be at peace

Reality

24.6.92

In the path of wisdom I often walk, In the path of criticism I live, The garden of the dead awaits me, The Gods mock me. Understanding and acceptance are far ahead, The realm of judgement will cometh unto those who taunt me, the blood of those roses will gaze upon my body and eat at my flesh, The tangle of minds have created this immaculate being of complete unawareness and insecurity. You are of no peace to me you objects of hate, Rattle the bones and gaze into my soul, Gaze into the realm of sorrow. Revenge is only but sweet words unto my ears, Do not you envy me? Do not I envy you? Look into my eyes and gaze into the wisdom of nothing. Look into my heart and gaze at the pieces of criticism, Look into my soul and gaze into the realm of sorrow, Cast once again your eyes onto my body and see the filth,

Look at the garden of death

Revenge will be mine, Till the fire in you dies till theres nothing left in you for me to despise Only then will my spirit rise Ill see your infliction Mock you for your distaste brush your soul aside Your entity I shall hate When your world turns black I shall gloat at my victory There will be no turning back Only The tears youve cried the pain you have caused You have long since died I will mourn you no more

Persecution

4.11.99

The pain that constantly throbs in the pit of my spirit is inexplicable. My entire body is toxic, My mind eaten by my sin. Here I have fallen, paying the immeasurable price for my blindness. I have betrayed myself, that betrayal more brutal than any other. The remedy is clothed in unimaginable destruction, So beautiful his appearance to my heart, And yet so deadly to my soul. The torment so far over the edge of my resistance. In chains I drag the seconds through. My face like a mirror shattered, The desires of my body, like a hunted animal fear to think. I can not bear these cruel consequences, I can not participate in my favourite game. My God, Save me.

The Dream of Solidarity

5.11.99

My throat pleads to released its excruciatingly painful suppressed cry, My soul will not permit it. My body contorts from its craving for its embalmed match, My soul will not permit it. My mind, screaming, pulsates for its entwined partner, My soul will not permit it. My walk, engraved in fear, My sight cemented in sorrow, My heart ripped, torn from its roots lies alone, Dysfunctional, lifeless, dead.

The Wastelands.

15.2.00

There lies a barren wasteland Where the ground is solid, caked from the persistent heat. There I dwell, a place where Angels fear to tread. My skin broken and blistered, The pain an ease to my strangled heart. There are no comforts here, nor pleasures to be found. Here is my enduring season of despair and anguish. This is my life. Flaking my skin falls, cemented into the ground of my wasteland. There will be no peace till it has all fallen, Ridding my body of the cancer it has carried. There is no breath in the wastelands, Everything ceases to live.

The greatest sorrows of my life are constantly flashed before me, Filling the sky with brilliant colors, There is no escaping this torment, this pain.

UNTITLED

15.12.94

Is there anybody who can comprehend the torment of reality ? Nobody has the justification to remove themselves from false hope. There is no escaping the dawning of a new morning which has already been polluted by the sin of yesterday. They have tried, I have tried, but yet nothing remains of the prosperity that has been unwillingly bestowed upon us,

All but only desolate souls searching desperately for an escape from present situations which once resolved form again in a more loathsome figure. Try, do it, face courage head on but be ready to be cast aside like the rest of us and to be scorned and mocked. Take the essence of life and destroy it, spit on its remains because that is all that will be left of your body, that is all that will be left of your spirit, nothing but a brutally molested memory. Hallucinations of the future are just merely figures which dance with influence in the mirror of time and destiny. Its reflection is only one of betrayal, lies and deceit. Hope is all that remain, all that we can hang on to, but it is a fine string which is constantly being broken by the sheer force of mortality. The will to live has been demolished, the need to live a necessity, The want to live an impossibility

Untitled

9.93

Am I alone in my thoughts ? Waving rapidly, The Ministry of time is but a longing, a disbelief, I bow my head in repentance and fall to the abyss,

There is nothing ahead of this sorry figure that you have cast your eyes upon, Do not try to understand the warped state of my mind, For you too will begin to loath me. Wrapped in silk and boasting gold, Beneath lies the lair of a psychopath, Trust me, touch me, love me. In the palm of my hand lies the world in which I dwell, A world of lust, vengeance and deceit, Trust me. Make love to me in the gardens of Babylon, Touch me. Bring me to destruction, envelop me in a complete darkness and drink my tears Love me.

Untitled

12 December 1998

And the time will come when all else will face, Nothing will remain but the debauched state of your presence, Nothing will live, but the repression that you have suffered through out your life. A landmark that was created in defiance will crumble to show your weak interior, Your loneliness, your fear. Your eyes from that day will be case to the heavens, waiting for the next command, Waiting for a chance for reconciliation, Your soul will be plagued with an unquenchable rage, Your desire and unreachable target all suffered due to your ignorance. Your being turned into a bottomless pit, awaiting your cage, Awaiting your torture, awaiting your torment. The heavens well up once more and the master that you have been serving so blindly rests on his throne. Your time has come, your foretold judgment has fallen. Your fall from humanity has begun as you enter immortality, your eternal Hell.

1998

30 May

Welcome to my insanity...........
I am back, perhaps for a few hours only but I am relieved. When my mind enters this state I feel like an awaking to a blindness that I have been facing for eternity. I feel so empty and worthless, I feel like a ship thats been wrecked on a mountain of rocks. A ship that didnt need any guidance because it was her destiny to be wrecked there in the first place. I have been torn like her bottom, my stomach ripped open by those harsh memories and emotions, my blood released like her inside to just be washed away in the sea, no trace just lost and never remembered. Thats how I desire it, I dont want anybody to remember me, I dont want them to think of me, I never wanted to be so dont make my body an alter for your purgatory. I want to see it all happen at once, my life to flash in front of me, I want to feel all that pain and suffering that I have ever and will ever endure, I want it to all just stab me at once. I need that moment to be captured forever, I want to revise it at every opportunity I can. I need to see it, I need to feel it, I need to be it. Let them lie, let them have me, let them rip the flesh off my body, desecrate me, I need the pain, I crave it. At times I seem to forget who I was, what I felt. I need to be humbled again. There never was any foundation for me to build this new life that I have so masterfully structured. Its an illusion for anyone who actually cares to look. My life is none. I feel good at times thinking how they all believe, but it can not compare to the satisfaction I feel when I know they are being as deceived by my aura, as I was of the fullness of life. I feel nothing, no pain, nothing is unexpected, nothing is dreamed...so let my judgement fall upon me. Take a ring side seat because it will be more entertaining than anything that you could ever imagine. Watch my suffering, watch my anguish and scorn my pain, I lust after non then that. Give me your fears and insecurities, give me your suffering, give me your thoughtless sentences.

Let me be made a symbol of your iniquities, let me burn, for even Hell in all its torment will stand still at the judgement of my sufferings. Emptiness burns my stomach, never has pain been more excruciating. Concreating my lungs, breathing my stale sulfur Grant me my yearned death, that is all I ask, death. A solitude of emotional famine, a drought that nothing could vanquish. A spoil none could deliver. This is my enduring winter, this is my life.

Wrath

14.1.00

My body quakes at the violence rising in my spirit Illusions of destruction fill my head My wrath to great to compose, My revenge too brutal to cage. The foolishness of those who dare to stand against me, The frailty of their beings, The weakness of their words. They consider a life of delusional grandeur, They consider a life of supposed power. Their flesh will fall; their laughter turned to screams, Their self proclaimed infallible wisdom turned to self-doubt and persecution. Have they not sealed their own fate? Have they not walked too far into their demented dreams? Blindly they lead for now, but blinded they shall remain for eternity, Their mindless words, their thoughtless actions will turn upon them ruthlessly. Their haven of security will be crushed, totally destroyed. Their minds already eaten by their own cancer will wither and die Its deserved excruciating painful death. My price they have settled, My thirst they have quenched, My anger they have worn with pride.

Yesterday never was

Hidden from view I lie alone, The pain of my heart remains dormant to my saviour, Lifeless, I attempt to crawl back to what was, my normality, It too has changed and again Im alone. The screams of my soul are never heard, My memory plagued of its yesterdays fails to support. The joy I find will eventually turn to death, And she will work her claws deep into my soul, Ripping in every direction. Exhausted I lie alone, not daring to hope, Not daring to dream. The facade I bravely parade has begun to flake, The monster I protect and shade from view begins to rear its true reflection. The antagonising humiliation will taunt me again soon, The rage against integrity hightens. There is nothing left, the void of this life will remain just that.

There is no tomorrow, there is only now, There never was bliss, nor was there ever light. There never was a yesterday.