Plan Text:

The United States Federal Government should contract private companies to build pipelines that transport shit from government buildings.

Contention 1: Heg/ Comp

Contention One is Competiveness and Heg: Shit Pipelines allow government bathrooms to be more sanitary Zheng 7/16 (Neil. Super smart high school student who enjoys swimming and cats) Shit pipelines allow government officials to sanitarily deposit their shit every day. This solves for 90% of shits on the floors of government building bathrooms. This makes the bathrooms 90% more sanitary.

Sanitary Bathrooms are key to Hegemony and Competiveness Zheng 7/16 (Neil) When we dont have clean bathrooms our lives suck. Who wants to walk on shit in bathrooms, especially government building bathrooms? Other countries look and laugh at the poor shape of the federal bathrooms. This ruins our dominance because we become the laughingstock of the entire world. When other countries shame our bathrooms, we can no longer compete in global markets because other countries dare not deal with our foulness. Decline in Hegemony and Competiveness through shitty bathrooms leads to Shit Wars and extinction Zheng 7/16 (Neil)
When governments have shitty bathrooms, they have incentives to begin shit wars. This is when government officials collect shit in buckets and then store it in this massive container which is then compressed into a bomb. The shit bombs are so deadly; it kills everyone in a one hundred mile radius. Other countries will retaliate leading to an all-out shit war and cause extinction.

Contention 2: I <3 Joann

First, shit pipelines reduce odors by masking them with sweet smelling perfume, pleases Joann. SnazzyGlitter 12 No one likes the smell or sight of shit. Especially not Joann. Shit pipelines have a perfume infused into their metal that masks the odor with the smell of bunnies, rainbows, and all things happy. Second, shit pipelines empty on Batmans head SnazzyGlitter 12 Intricate circuits of pipelines have a central meeting point in which they empty on Batmans head. Third, Smelly batman key to stop proliferation SnazzyGlitter 12 A smelly batman has enough power in the world to stop proliferation. Just by showing his face (and fuglyass costume). People will be horrified enough to stop collecting nuclear weapons. Fourth, stop of proliferation stops nuclear war SnazzyGlitter 12 When bad guys stop getting nuclear weapons, it drastically reduces the chance of miscalculation, escalation, and first strike. Meaning happy happy time everywhere!

Happy Joann Prevents Global Catastrophe Zheng 12 Remember World War II? That was an angry Joann causing issues. Remember the Great Depression? That was also angry Joann. An angry Joann has caused every single catastrophe in living history. Thus when there is a happy Joann there is global prosperity.

Solvency
Who the Shit gives about how we solve Shit, Theres more important Shit to discuss.