POETRY

Double Circle
yesterday I watched a double rainbow drain its colors into our mountains only to reappear on Sunday as a double circle of Friends illuminating one another

by Lora G. Koomanoff

- Mane Flagg

Fern Song

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Because I called a halt to forward thrust and wandered with my sketchpad up this trail, sank down on matted leaves to watch the play of sunlight through a hollow log and let my pen begin to tell the shapes and rhythms of this dump of ferns , I know again the thrusting up of spring and spirit humming as it finds a form. Deep underground in me there is a reaching toward these most delicate uncurling fronds that lift like ladders out of spirals and in the stillness ring ascending chimes. Behind them darkly resonate the boulders and fallen tree trunks soaked with rain. Years moldering away, rings rotted, hollow. My growing ground is ready once again.

everal Friends have expressed dismay and concern that the Quaker Peace Testimony does not seem to extend to family life; that while publicly we implore nations to live together peace.ably, we do not achieve the same goal in our own families. I submit that we need to go one level deeper and examine our concepts of conflict-which affect every interpersonal relationship we have in the family, in school, in work, in the wider realm of community, and ultimately, in the world at large. How we behave is conditioned by how we feel, which in turn depends upon our values and our beliefs. We advocate peace-and sincerely desire its presence in the world-but what do we really think and feel (i.e., believe) about conflict within ourselves and consequently, between ourselves and others? Do we see it as a natural consequence when needs collide? a normal expression of differences? an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and others? a focal point at which we may sensitively respond to another's needs and open ourselves to mutual growth? Or do we see it as a disaster which can only lead to more unpleasant, possibly violent occurrences? a destructive element which will most certainly hurt and damage all concerned? occasion for proving that we are right (and someone else is wrong)? a chance to defend ourselves and our position? Our concepts of conflict determine how we respond to it. If we do not know how we view conflict , looking at our responses to it may help us to understand. When conflict occurs, what is our initial response?
Lora G. Koomanoff is a writer, editor, and a leader of workshops on conflict resolution. She is an a/lender at Langley Hill (Va.) Meeting.

- Helen Weaver Horn

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May 15, 1986

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Do we try to avoid it (pretend it's not so, or run away)? seek "peace at any price" to have it over and done with as soon as possible? respond in anger and self-defense? try to communicate our feelings to the other person and at the same time endeavor to understand where he or she is coming from? explore within ourselves the possible causes and explanations for its appearance? respond differently according to our investment in the relationship? seek assiduously for some mutual ground on which we can support each other (or at least, agree to disagree)? We all have patterns of behavior which have developed over long periods of time and which may or may not serve us well. Many of them were initiated in childhood. Our parents' attitudes toward conflict had much to do with molding ours, just as we, in turn, are contributing to our own children's attitudes. To help us understand what is going on in our households, we need to remember how conflict was viewed in our parents' households. Did they convey the idea that "fighting" is wrong, even though it may be only at the level of verbal disagreement? rush to separate combatants, rather than help them to work out a mutually acceptable solution? expect one member to always "give in" to another, thus creating smoldering feelings which were certain to ignite at a later time? How we learned to view conflict when we were children may still be influencing (and inhibiting) our response to it now. Fortunately, we are capable of learning and of growing, and cycles of thought and action can be broken. We can develop skill in understanding ourselves, in communicating that
FRIENDS JOURNAL

understanding to others, and in creating an awareness of commonality among all with whom we come in contact. Conflict and violence are not synonymous, although one may lead to the other. A deep conviction that conflict is "all right," that it is a normal part of living, can do much to help us to see alternative ways of dealing with it. By looking within ourselves to find the need that is being defined, we can find the connecting link to the needs in others. We all have basic wants which can be satisfied by recognizing and accommodating them. Each of us needs a feeling of self-worth; to have others affirm that self-worth; to share something of ourselves with others; and to be a part of a supportive community-which is another way of saying we all need to love and to be loved . This is the crux of resolving conflict: to remember in its midst that each of us is lovable and capable of loving; to find that phrase, that gesture, that touch which can transform rhe confrontation into a shared experience. Resolving and managing conmctthat is, making it something creative in our lives-depends upon our willingness to risk its success. We must: be willing to start (its resolution) without knowing the result, accept change as a possibility in every

situation and in each individual, have a positive belief in the ability of each person to find a solution, be willing to leave a conflict once it's over, realize that conflict resolution is a lifelong art, demanding constant attention and dedication, and understand that one failure does not preclude future successes. In short, conflict resolution is a conviction-that we can live peaceably within ourselves and with others, that any crisis can be an opportunity for growth, that life is infinitely more interesting when we search for alternative choices in solving problems, rather than reverting to old worn-out patterns, whose purposes are hidden somewhere in our past. Conflict can be a plus in our lives. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to live without it. 0
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May 15, 1986