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The Life of the Pastors Kid

A Reality to Understand

Final Research Paper For Master of Transformational Leadership Program

By:

Noel Santos- Roxas

Abstract
Title: The Life of the Pastors Kid A Reality to Understand Statement of the Problem: the study aims to preview the reality of normal, but above standards members of the society, the Pastors kids. Specifically this study will answer and explain the following questions and concepts. Who are the Pastors Kids? o Literally o Figuratively (their description from the society) What these Kids do? o Inside the Church o Outside the Church (With friends/ at school/ in the community) o At Home What are the labels given by the society to them? What are the effects of those labels? Is there any importance in understanding them?

Assumptions: This study was based on the following assumptions. That the parents, are also human, committing mistakes like their child/ children. That pastors kids are also normal kids, like any other kids who has the liberty to do what they want. That these children should not experience nor receive any form of discrimination and special treatments from the society and even inside the Church. Scope and Limitations: this study is composed and limited to pastors and pastors kid.

Significance of the Study: To the Parents (Co-Workers) o To the parents and Pastors should know how to pray hard and bring his family to God in full trust and confidence o The parents and pastor should learn to trust God at all times and believes that God will always there to care for. o The pastor should know how to influence his/ her family to satisfy and be contented for what they have. To the Kids/ Children o Children must understand that they should not rely solely on the basis that they are pastors kid, but being such carries responsibilities as well. It is a privileged to be called and be a Pastors kid, but it does not end there, to carry a name that is being respected by many requires to act in accordance with the norms covered by that name. To the Society o The society must not judge nor give very much importance to these kids. Everything should be balanced so that these kids would learn to do things on their own. Exercising their liberty, enjoying their freedom and making their own names and not hiding to the shadows of their parents. To the future researchers o The conclusion of this study can give backgrounds, points, factors that could be needed in their future research.

Acknowledgement:
It is only by His grace that I am here right now. Only through Him that I was sustained and I know that Hes always there throughout my journey. Jesus won it all for me.

Also special thanks to my family for their untiring support t and prayers, understanding, and commitment in joining me with my ministry. To rev. Kyoung Gyun Han and the rest Of PCK-SNP who supported me all the way for financial support, prayers and encouragement to take the said MTL program of ASDECS. For UCCP-TRECE and UCCP-Amadeo, Thank you so much for your prayers, understanding and financial support. For Prof. Zaldy Barotil and Prof. Dr. David Lim for their encouragement to finish the course and even for being a good mentor and motivator. And lastly to all my classmates in ASDECS, thank you so much for our sharing, testimony and community study it brought us a lot of learnings and developed our camaraderie. And for the people and friends who always there for prayers and encouragement to finish the course.

Chapter I The Problem and Its Background


This chapter intends to provide an explanation about the background and main problems of the study. It outlines the parameters and its limitations, probability and realism of the study, and the meaning of terms defined by the researcher.

As we observe, the existence of the Pastors Kids are now already in the limelight. They are not confined anymore in the Church and in the shadow of their parents. Their identities are now recognized from the fruits of their own labor and not just because they bear the surname of their father or the image of their mother. In this study, I focused on finding out the ways of how we can deeply understand the life of these kids, their reality and how they interact with the society.

Statement of the Problem


The study aims to preview the reality of life of normal, but above standards members of the society, the Pastors Kids. Specifically this study will answer and explain the following questions and concepts. Who are the Pastors Kids? o Literally o Figuratively (their description from the society) What these Kids do? o Inside the Church o Outside the Church (With friends/ at school/ in the community) o At Home

What are the labels given by the society to them? What are the effects of those labels? Is there any importance in understanding them?

Hypothesis of the Study


I as a researcher tested a hypothesis. H: there is the need to understand the reality of life of these Pastors Kids. How they were raised and how they were treated in the society.

Significance of the Study:


To the Parents (Co-Workers) To the Kids/ Children To the Society To the future researchers

Definition of terms
Pastors Kid- Offspring/s of Pastors, Church Workers Pastors- a spiritual overseer; especially a clergyman serving a local church or parish. Ministry- the office, duties, or functions of a minister. Church-a building for public and especially Christian worship; a body or organization of religious believers as the whole body of Christ. Understanding- the power of comprehending; the capacity to apprehend general relations of particulars. Reality-something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily Society-community, nation or broad grouping of people having common traditions institutions and collective and activities and interests.

Who are The Pastors Kid


Literally, they are the offspring of the Pastors. Descriptively, they are the ones who grew up in the Church, grew up with the ministry. Figuratively, they are known or being judged as the holy child Pastors kids are often judges as kids who do not mingle with ordinary people, or on the contrary, they are the ones who are always ready to mingle with other kids. They should always be presentable. Their actions are watched and counted by people outside. Other people think that they should not laugh loud, they should not hangout, and they should not. And should These kids are mostly confined to live in a life of SHOULDS and SHOULD NOTS. Most often than not, their lives are like an open movie for everyone, open for likes and critics.

What these Kids do?


Environment Outside the Church (with friends, at school, in the community) Positive They share the word of God Their lives becomes a living testimony for others They help others in a Christian Way At Home Feel more comfortable at their own comfort zones. Feel free from the Negative They tend to forget who they are. They are being judged by other people.

judgments of the society Inside the Church They feel safe, and not different at times. They tend to conform with the practices, even though at times, they are just forced to do such.

What are the effects of the Labels given by the society to them?
Any person being labelled by other people will of course feel sad, and get hurt.

Two things might happen to the labelled ones and that is (1) they prove other people that the judgment is wrong and (2) they live with the judgment and prove that the other people are right with their judgment.

In due relevance with the labelling theory which was also propounded by George Herbert Mead, the society or the other people outsiders do really contribute to the creation of ones self identity. Nevertheless, whatever the society would say, it will really affect the formation of identity of a person, especially if the labelling started at the early age of their lives.

Is there any importance in understanding them?


Of course, it is important to understand the life of these kids. Not only because they are literally part of the family, but these kids live in a life with thin boundaries of standards from being normal to above normal members of the society. They do have special

needs in which not only the members of the family should understand but as well as their friends, teachers, and the community in whole. They should not be treated as holy child who shouldnt be dirty and playing with ordinary kids. They should not receive extra or very special treatment because they also need to learn from their own and out from their liberty, they can learn lessons in life, in which would become a factor for them to grow as responsible members of the Church and the Society.

Chapter II The Related Literature


The following articles were considered as related literature by the researcher. The primary source of the articles is the Internet.

Pastor's Kids: living a life most people could never comprehend

http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-such-atarget.html Last month here at Survive and Thrive Ministry Wives I wrote about protecting our PK's (pastor's kids) from the enemy's assignment. We know that it is the goal of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy all of us, (John 10:10) however I believe he has a special assignment against PK's. First of all, he knows that the greatest way to hurt a pastor is to hurt their kids! I can handle a lot of things in life, with grace. But harm my kids, and it's not a pretty scene. I am like a Momma bear, protecting her cubs, as most mothers are. There was once a mother who who was walking along pushing her baby in a stroller. Suddenly a pit bull appeared and ran up to the stroller and began barking and growling. Two men were off in the distance and saw this. One man exclaimed to the other, "oh no!" and the other man said, "Oh no is right! I feel sorry for that

pit bull!" One thing is for sure, mothers have a natural instinct to protect their children
that sometimes borders on craziness. In the pastorate, ministry wives have an immense challenge in protecting their PK in the natural as life for the child of a minister is often so complicated. PK's walk such a tightrope between needing to be treated as normal kids, and having a few perks to offset the often challenging things they face. You often hear admonitions for people in the church to "treat PK's as they would any other child" and indeed it is important to give them room to be themselves, and to just be kids. However at the

same time it's important to give them some benefits or recognition to encourage them. These are the things that often keep PK's going when the going gets tough. This past month during pastor appreciation one of our pastors -- George Dearborn and his family, came to the platform to do a presentation for my husband and I and they asked our children to come to the platform. They honored them with gifts and then the Dearborn's daughter Rebecca, now age 23, shared how important it is to encourage PK's because in her words, they are "often harshly judged and live life under

a microscope."
Rebecca (affectionately known as Becca) shares the following about how PK's can be a target of mistreatment at the hands of unhappy parishoners: "There was a difficult

situation at my Dad's first church that he pastored in New Hampshire where the pastor's children were required to attend the church's Christian school. I was in the third grade. At this school and church one family was pretty much in charge of everything. Then when my father came along with a vision for change and growth and they didn't like that much. The children of this family went to the school I was good friends with the daughter but the son used to pick on me until I screamed or cried or both. His grandmother was the principal of the school and never punished him for anything that he did to me. This was mostly because of the problems she had with my father. She took it out on me. I remember coming home and crying, sitting under my desk crying, and getting detention for yelling at him to stop bothering me. This lady
always accused me of all of this being my fault and she hated me simply because my Dad was a good pastor. After that I vowed to NEVER go to a church school ever again, and my mom agreed with me because of what I went through, and thankfully never made me do that again." It is said that vocational ministry defies explanation to those living outside of it. This also extends to the offspring of pastors. The children pay the price at times for people who are angry at decisions their parents have made.

Jealousy is another factor. People become envious of the smallest things, with little knowledge or regard for how much children have sacrificed for those blessings. For instance, our children have "grown up in the church" - literally. Larry and I have both worked there full time since they were all three born. I nursed and diapered babies in between meetings and they've taken naps while I've counseled. We had cribs in the church office, and closets full of toys. Playing tag and hide and go seek in the church as well as skating or biking in the parking lot were common. The church is truly their second home and many times they probably felt like it was their first. Sometimes they love it, sometimes they hate it. They have their ups and downs. In practically living there, they are able to do things other kids are not. It can get old living at the church day after day. Like most parents, we try to make it fun and accentuate the positive. One summer day when the boys were little, they were playing at the church while we worked. At one point during the day, a woman dropped by to do something at the church and she had her children with her. Earlier, Jordan had come into his Dad's office, asked for a piece of paper out and started drawing. He was busily amusing himself while Larry and I worked. Suddenly some of the other children ran into the secretary's office and asked for paper and supplies to draw on. She said she did not have supplies on hand to give to all of the children. The other children's mother angrily stepped in and grabbed Jordan's paper off of of the table where he was drawing and said,"if my children don't get a piece of paper, neither does he!" Keep in mind Jordan was quite young at this point and he was defenseless against this woman. He said, "I

am allowed to have a piece of paper from my Daddy's office. He gave it to me to draw on while I was waiting." The woman wouldn't hear of it and said, "It's not fair. If my kids don't get paper, you aren't getting it either just because you're the pastor's son!" She snatched it away, put it in her purse and left with it. Jordan was upset (and
rightfully so) but I didn't find out about this until the whole thing was over and the people were gone from the building that day. Keep in mind, when those other children left with their mother and went on to play at home or do other things, my son was still waiting at the church, finding things to do while we worked.

You might think a situation over a piece of paper is small but it's the principle of the thing that I want to get across. You see, the woman in question was just "stopping by the church" for a brief time to do something and happened to have her children along. She wasn't spending most of her waking hours at the church. She was also not employed there. To illustrate in another way...if you owned a sandwich shop or even managed one, if your child came to the shop and you gave them a piece of cheese to eat, would anyone be upset about it? No. You run the shop. The fact that your kid is there and ate a piece of cheese would be no surprise to anyone nor would it be seen as inappropriate. What is different between a piece of paper and a piece of cheese? Nothing. But for some reason, in ministry things are different. Sandwich shop owners/manager's children are not under a microscope nor are there any expectations to any great degree unless they are older and happen to work there. However for pastor's kids the variables are enormous, throughout their lifetime. My own boys have faced these challenges and thankfully experienced breakthroughs and emotional healing at pastor's kids camps and retreats. I've never attended one of those but my children tell me they are filled with many crying children at the altar, reaching out to God and others for hope and healing. A pastor friend of ours had some church members question the fact that his children played basketball in the church gym that was normally locked/off limits during nonservice or event times. Some members also got upset that his kids played video games in the fellowship hall while the pastor was working. The pastor explained to them that his children had given up a considerable amount that their children never had to. Their children did not have a vacation cut short because someone died and their parents had to come home and do a funeral. Their children did not wait long periods of time after services to go home because their parents had a line of people waiting to talk to them. Their children didn't have the phone ring non-stop at home for their parents, interrupting their family time and often taking their attention away at times when the kids really wanted it or needed it. Their children didn't grow up in the "fishbowl" that is the ministry, often a cruel place when it should be a nurturing one. He explained that

for all that his children had to deal with in their lives, the perk of playing in the gym or fellowship hall during "off times" was quite small in comparison. Children are children and as such as still learning and growing in dealing with jealousies and other such negative emotions. What amazes me is when ADULTS who should know better become jealous of things PK's receive versus what their child gets, or what they perceive is the glamorous life of the PK, living in the limelight and being continually bestowed with blessings. The truth is, what blessings children of full time ministers receive in exchange for the burden they bear is quite small. One parishoner was upset years ago and spoke to my husband and I about "keeping our children's blessings a secret from the other children in the church so that there would be no hurt feelings." Again, to relate this back back to the comparison of the sandwich shop/manager's child -- would such a person go to great lengths to hide the fact that their child ate a piece of cheese? Of course not. Think about this - if a child's parents owned a sub shop they would probably say to their friends, "I love that I can

have sandwiches from my parents shop anytime I want to. It's a cool part of them having this shop." Nobody would think a thing of it, in fact they would probably
say, "that's great that he/she has that benefit." Why should a pastor's child have tohide their blessings because other kids might be jealous? It seems to me it would be a marvelous time for those parents to teach their children about the dangers of envy and jealousy. Just because minister's children have some additional blessings doesn't mean there should be unfair demands. PK's must be released of unfair expectations by the congregation (after all, they didn't ask for this life nor sign up for it), and it's important that they have a few blessings unique to them. It helps them to see that there are actually some benefits to being PK's and it's not all sacrifice. It encourages them that God's people love them and want to reach out to them in special ways. While they are "normal kids" they are not exactly the same as every other child in the church, as what they live with is often a yielding of their immediate desire for that of the church people. For that sacrifice, it is nice to be rewarded once in a while.

Pastor's wives, it's important that we watch out for our kids and be there to correct injusticeswhen we see them. It's also helpful to explain to others that our children are in a unique and sometimes challenging situation that is helped by understanding a periodic blessings along the way. Our children didn't sign up for ministry - we answered the call and thereby put them there. Now that they are there it's important that we watch out for them, and make sure they don't get swallowed up by the jealousy or envy of others who take opportunities to knock them down a peg or two whenever the opportunity presents itself. It's so sad to say but there are those sick people in the church who actually love it when the pastor's kid screws up because then it makes them feel that their kids aren't so bad, or that they aren't such a bad parent. That is just unconscionable to me that some people would actually think that, but they do. Sadly there are those who are just waiting for the PK to make a mistake because somehow they believe in their erroneous minds that it makes them or their child look better. Of course we know there's only one thing that makes this better -those folks getting to the altar and and being changed by God. We can't change them, only the Holy Spirit can. But in the meantime, while we are waiting for them to be changed, they can really affect our kids unless we keep an eye on the situation. Mothers in the faith, we must be diligent watchwomen on the wall for our children both in the spirit and in the natural. It's a shame that we should even have to speak of such an issue but it is reality to affect PK's for a LONG time. Recently I encountered a man who is a PK and is still coming to grips with hurts from when he was a child and not only received no blessings for sacrifices made but dealt with a lot of injustice. He recalls a situation 30 years ago when he the church his father pastored was having an evangelism/attendance contest and was giving an Easter bunny away to the child who brought the most visitors for Easter. He wanted to try along with all of the other kids to win the bunny, but the church purposely excluded him, thinking that if the pastor's son won, it would be favoritism. This man says the following: "[When I was growing up] if

you were a pastor's kid or a child of the Sunday School Superintendent you were always

disqualified from any real good incentives by the fine print of the contest to avoid any special treatment complaints. This always bugged me and 30 years later still does."
I'm sure some people will think that is petty and that it is ridiculous that a man is still upset about such thirty years later. However keep in mind he isn't simply upset about an Easter bunny. He is dealing with the aftermath of an entire childhood filled with such injustices. The cost of repeated situations like this in PK's lives can be tremendous, so much so that many walk away from the church and ultimately the Lord. Last month Pastor George's wife Irene closed the time of sharing about our children by saying something to this effect: "Due to these kind of things in their lives [that Becca

described], many PK's do not end up serving the Lord. But our pastor's kids ARE serving the Lord. And for this we are very thankful."
Indeed. I am very thankful. And intentional. Pastor's wives, remember that few understand or comprehend the life your children live. You are their advocate here on earth. Yes, they have Jesus but you are "Jesus with skin on." Of the Proverbs 31 woman, the message Bible says, "She keeps an eye on everyone in her household..."

(Verse 17) Take up your role as nurturer and protector of those God has entrusted to
you. Keep an eye on them and protect them as much as you can from the unfair treatment,expectations and jealousy of others.

Growing up as a pastor's kid

What is it like to grow up in the home of a pastor? Two children, now grown adults, share their perspectives on this experience and what it meant to have a dad who was a church leader. Are you a pastor's child? Share your stories and thoughts at churches@fotf.ca.

http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/pastors/pastors/growing-up-as-a-pastors-kid Often, people perceive the concept of growing up in a pastors home in a generally negative way. For example, youve probably heard stories of children who had a distant, preoccupied pastor father, or those who had pastor dads who held impossibly high expectations. Thankfully, this has not been my experience as a pastors kid. I cant think of a better way to raise a child in the way they should go than to be raised in a healthy and vibrant Christian community. I myself, now at age 24, have had the profound blessing to be raised in the context of such an environment within the body of believers who took a genuine concern and responsibility for my spiritual life. Church has been and will always be my family and a place where I can find encouragement, support and spiritual nutrition in my walk with Jesus. As a young boy, it was in church that I was guided through the Bible stories of people who obeyed God and experienced blessing, and those who disobeyed and suffered the consequences. Most importantly, I learned about a God of mercy and love who sacrificed His only Son Jesus to save me from the penalty of my sin. When I was seven, it was in a Sunday school classroom that I made the decision to invite Jesus into my heart and apologize to God for the bad things I had done. The body of Christ was truly a community around me while I was growing up. For

example, when I took an interest in music, it was a church member who gave me a guitar and taught me not only how to play skillfully but to do it to the glory of God. When looking for a job, church members stepped in and taught me their trades. After I graduated from high school and got involved in missions, the church prayerfully and financially supported me. This and countless other instances of direct church involvement have marked my life in a significant way. I am deeply grateful to have been raised as a pastors kid within the community of the church and can confidently testify to Gods active grace in using the church to raise up and edify its people. I cant imagine where I would be in my faith journey without the constant involvement of committed people that gave so much to me. By Jeremy MacDonald Growing up as a pastors kid didn't always feel like an amazing experience at the time. But, looking back, I don't think I really knew how much God was using it to bless my life and grow me into the woman I am today. I knew everyone in our church. I can remember all of their names, and I developed a true sense of community amongst the members of our church and was able to experience what a church family really looked and felt like. I felt so connected and felt as though God was using me in a small way to benefit those in my church family. He also used the lives of other church members to speak deeply into my life and help me develop my faith journey. It wasn't just my dad that God was using; God was using me, too. I do admit there were times when, as a pastors kid, I thought I was being lectured with one of those mini sermons. You know the ones I mean! But the older I got, the more I deeply appreciated hearing a variety of people, including my mom and dad,

speak into my life about God. Now, as an adult with my own family, I often find myself going back to some of the conversations we had. God used these experiences to really grow in me a heart for people and for servanthood. I would watch every week as my parents opened our home to invite people in for a meal or for Bible study. I was able to watch mom and dad as they served those in our church and loved on them by inviting them into our home. The value of time together with people really impacted my life. I thank God for the opportunity to be a pastors kid. By Jodie Lemke

My Life as a Pastor's Kid Honest Thoughts on Life as a Pastors Kid http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/164018-sarah-weber-honestthoughts-life-pastors-kid.html

For 26 years I have been a PK (PK= Pastors Kid). I have watched my dad closely over the years as he has moved from youth pastor to church planter to senior pastor. Through the years I got an inside look into ministry and took lots of notes during the journey. So here are some lessons I learned from being a PK: 1. Actions Affect More Than Yourself. It appears to me everyone is born with the same me-myself-and I mentality. It is like we are the stars of our own show and everyone else are just extras. Being a PK made it loud and clear this life is not to be lived selfishly. When myself or my siblings would sneak into the baptismal pool, run around the church or play pranks on other church members, my dad would hear about it and would have to deal with our mishaps. Our actions affected him and my mother. So even though we are all guilty of living selfishly, I learned when I only think about myself, the consequences tend to trickle out to other people in my life. 2. People Watch and Wait for Failure.

In high school I was really involved in our churchs youth group. Anytime there was a youth event I was there. More often than not, Id help carpool students to events. One day, in my sweet Ford Probe, I dropped a younger girl off at her house. Not two minutes later did I get a phone call from my dad asking me if I was smoking in my car. Really? Me smoke? Im 17 and at a youth event. Turns out, I was eating an apple caramel lollipop when I had dropped the young girl off. The mom looked out the window and saw the white stick coming out of my mouth and assumed I was smoking and gave my dad a call. I wasnt angry at that mom. But many moments after that in my life taught me the world is watching us a Christians. And they wait and hope for the moments when we fail. As Christians we must live above reproach, because we never know who is watching us and how we may unintentionally harm the image of Christ. 3. Christians Need Forgiveness. My family went though some rough times when I was in junior high. Like things that families should never be put through by other members of the church body. I became familiar with church splits, angry deacons and other things at the tender ages of 11-13. Some of the things that happened to my family gave me (and all my siblings) a legitimate reason to hate the church and Christians. But Christ is bigger than our sins. Christ is bigger than church splits and rumours.

At a young age I learned the importance of forgiveness as I watched my parents walk through forgiving their transgressors. As a church body we should always love each other. But when other Christians fail us or hurt us, we must choose to forgive. I could list off many more lessons but for the sake of your time Ill stop here. Final thoughts for Pastors: 1. Be wise in your decisions because your children are watching you ever so closely. 2. Encourage your children with the Word. 3. Make time daily to pray with your children. My dad did this through the entire time I lived at home and that time together was priceless.

Pastor's Kids: living a life most people could never comprehend

http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-such-atarget.html Last month here at Survive and Thrive Ministry Wives I wrote about protecting our PK's (pastor's kids) from the enemy's assignment. We know that it is the goal of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy all of us, (John 10:10) however I believe he has a special assignment against PK's. First of all, he knows that the greatest way to hurt a pastor is to hurt their kids! I can handle a lot of things in life, with grace. But harm my kids, and it's not a pretty scene. I am like a Momma bear, protecting her cubs, as most mothers are. There was once a mother who was walking along pushing her baby in a stroller. Suddenly a pit bull appeared and ran up to the stroller and began barking and growling. Two men were off in the distance and saw this. One man exclaimed to the

other, "oh no!" And the other man said, "Oh no is right! I feel sorry for that

pit bull!" One thing is for sure, mothers have a natural instinct to protect their children
that sometimes borders on craziness. In the pastorate, ministry wives have an immense challenge in protecting their PK in the natural as life for the child of a minister is often so complicated. PK's walk such a tightrope between needing to be treated as normal kids, and having a few perks to offset the often challenging things they face. You often hear admonitions for people in the church to "treat PK's as they would any other child" and indeed it is important to give them room to be themselves, and to just be kids. However at the same time it's important to give them some benefits or recognition to encourage them. These are the things that often keep PK's going when the going gets tough. This past month during pastor appreciation one of our pastors -- George Dearborn and his family, came to the platform to do a presentation for my husband and I and they asked our children to come to the platform. They honoured them with gifts and then the Dearborn's daughter Rebecca, now age 23, shared how important it is to encourage PK's because in her words, they are "often harshly judged and live life under

a microscope."
Rebecca (affectionately known as Becca) shares the following about how PK's can be a target of mistreatment at the hands of unhappy parishioners: "There was a difficult

situation at my Dad's first church that he pastored in New Hampshire where the pastor's children were required to attend the church's Christian school. I was in the third grade. At this school and church one family was pretty much in charge of everything. Then when my father came along with a vision for change and growth and they didn't like that much. The children of this family went to the school I was good friends with the daughter but the son used to pick on me until I screamed or cried or both. His grandmother was the principal of the school and never punished him for anything that he did to me. This was mostly because of the problems she had with my father. She took it out on me. I remember coming home and crying, sitting under my desk crying, and getting detention for yelling at him to stop bothering me. This lady

always accused me of all of this being my fault and she hated me simply because my Dad was a good pastor. After that I vowed to NEVER go to a church school ever again, and my mom agreed with me because of what I went through, and thankfully never made me do that again." It is said that vocational ministry defies explanation to those living outside of it. This also extends to the offspring of pastors. The children pay the price at times for people who are angry at decisions their parents have made. Jealousy is another factor. People become envious of the smallest things, with little knowledge or regard for how much children have sacrificed for those blessings. For instance, our children have "grown up in the church" - literally. Larry and I have both worked there full time since they were all three born. I nursed and diapered babies in between meetings and they've taken naps while I've counselled. We had cribs in the church office, and closets full of toys. Playing tag and hide and go seek in the church as well as skating or biking in the parking lot were common. The church is truly their second home and many times they probably felt like it was their first. Sometimes they love it, sometimes they hate it. They have their ups and downs. In practically living there, they are able to do things other kids are not. It can get old living at the church day after day. Like most parents, we try to make it fun and accentuate the positive. One summer day when the boys were little, they were playing at the church while we worked. At one point during the day, a woman dropped by to do something at the church and she had her children with her. Earlier, Jordan had come into his Dad's office, asked for a piece of paper out and started drawing. He was busily amusing himself while Larry and I worked. Suddenly some of the other children ran into the secretary's office and asked for paper and supplies to draw on. She said she did not have supplies on hand to give to all of the children. The other children's mother angrily stepped in and grabbed Jordan's paper off of the table where he was drawing and said,

if my children don't get a piece of paper, neither does he!" Keep in mind Jordan was
quite young at this point and he was defenceless against this woman. He said, "I am

allowed to have a piece of paper from my Daddy's office. He gave it to me to draw on

while I was waiting." The woman wouldn't hear of it and said, "It's not fair. If my kids don't get paper, you aren't getting it either just because you're the pastor's son!" She
snatched it away, put it in her purse and left with it. Jordan was upset (and rightfully so) but I didn't find out about this until the whole thing was over and the people were gone from the building that day. Keep in mind, when those other children left with their mother and went on to play at home or do other things, my son was still waiting at the church, finding things to do while we worked. You might think a situation over a piece of paper is small but it's the principle of the thing that I want to get across. You see, the woman in question was just "stopping by the church" for a brief time to do something and happened to have her children along. She wasn't spending most of her waking hours at the church. She was also not employed there. To illustrate in another way...if you owned a sandwich shop or even managed one, if your child came to the shop and you gave them a piece of cheese to eat, would anyone be upset about it? No. You run the shop. The fact that your kid is there and ate a piece of cheese would be no surprise to anyone nor would it be seen as inappropriate. What is different between a piece of paper and a piece of cheese? Nothing. But for some reason, in ministry things are different. Sandwich shop owners/manager's children are not under a microscope nor are there any expectations to any great degree unless they are older and happen to work there. However for pastor's kids the variables are enormous, throughout their lifetime. My own boys have faced these challenges and thankfully experienced breakthroughs and emotional healing at pastor's kids camps and retreats. I've never attended one of those but my children tell me they are filled with many crying children at the altar, reaching out to God and others for hope and healing. A pastor friend of ours had some church members question the fact that his children played basketball in the church gym that was normally locked/off limits during nonservice or event times. Some members also got upset that his kids played video games in the fellowship hall while the pastor was working. The pastor explained to them that his children had given up a considerable amount that their children never had to. Their

children did not have a vacation cut short because someone died and their parents had to come home and do a funeral. Their children did not wait long periods of time after services to go home because their parents had a line of people waiting to talk to them. Their children didn't have the phone ring non-stop at home for their parents, interrupting their family time and often taking their attention away at times when the kids really wanted it or needed it. Their children didn't grow up in the "fishbowl" that is the ministry, often a cruel place when it should be a nurturing one. He explained that for all that his children had to deal with in their lives, the perk of playing in the gym or fellowship hall during "off times" was quite small in comparison. Children are children and as such as still learning and growing in dealing with jealousies and other such negative emotions. What amazes me is when ADULTS who should know better become jealous of things PK's receive versus what their child gets, or what they perceive is the glamorous life of the PK, living in the limelight and being continually bestowed with blessings. The truth is, what blessings children of full time ministers receive in exchange for the burden they bear is quite small. One parishioner was upset years ago and spoke to my husband and I about "keeping our children's blessings a secret from the other children in the church so that there would be no hurt feelings." Again, to relate this back to the comparison of the sandwich shop/manager's child -- would such a person go to great lengths to hide the fact that their child ate a piece of cheese? Of course not. Think about this - if a child's parents owned a sub shop they would probably say to their friends, "I love that I can

have sandwiches from my parents shop anytime I want to. It's a cool part of them having this shop." Nobody would think a thing of it, in fact they would probably
say, "Thats great that he/she has that benefit." Why should a pastor's child have to hide their blessings because other kids might be jealous? It seems to me it would be a marvellous time for those parents to teach their children about the dangers of envy and jealousy. Just because minister's children have some additional blessings doesn't mean there should be unfair demands. PK's must be released of unfair expectations by the

congregation (after all, they didn't ask for this life nor sign up for it), and it's important that they have a few blessings unique to them. It helps them to see that there are actually some benefits to being PK's and it's not all sacrifice. It encourages them that God's people love them and want to reach out to them in special ways. While they are "normal kids" they are not exactly the same as every other child in the church, as what they live with is often a yielding of their immediate desire for that of the church people. For that sacrifice, it is nice to be rewarded once in a while. Pastor's wives, it's important that we watch out for our kids and be there to correct injustices when we see them. It's also helpful to explain to others that our children are in a unique and sometimes challenging situation that is helped by understanding a periodic blessings along the way. Our children didn't sign up for ministry - we answered the call and thereby put them there. Now that they are there it's important that we watch out for them, and make sure they don't get swallowed up by the jealousy or envy of others who take opportunities to knock them down a peg or two whenever the opportunity presents itself. It's so sad to say but there are those sick people in the church who actually love it when the pastor's kid screws up because then it makes them feel that their kids aren't so bad, or that they aren't such a bad parent. That is just unconscionable to me that some people would actually think that, but they do. Sadly there are those who are just waiting for the PK to make a mistake because somehow they believe in their erroneous minds that it makes them or their child look better. Of course we know there's only one thing that makes this better -those folks getting to the altar and being changed by God. We can't change them, only the Holy Spirit can. But in the meantime, while we are waiting for them to be changed, they can really affect our kids unless we keep an eye on the situation. Mothers in the faith, we must be diligent watchwomen on the wall for our children both in the spirit and in the natural. It's a shame that we should even have to speak of such an issue but it is reality to affect PK's for a LONG time. Recently I encountered a man who is a PK and is still coming to grips with hurts from when he was a child and not only received

no blessings for sacrifices made but dealt with a lot of injustice. He recalls a situation 30 years ago when he the church his father pastored was having an evangelism/attendance contest and was giving an Easter bunny away to the child who brought the most visitors for Easter. He wanted to try along with all of the other kids to win the bunny, but the church purposely excluded him, thinking that if the pastor's son won, it would be favouritism. This man says the following: "[When I was growing up] if

you were a pastor's kid or a child of the Sunday School Superintendent you were always disqualified from any real good incentives by the fine print of the contest to avoid any special treatment complaints. This always bugged me and 30 years later still does."
I'm sure some people will think that is petty and that it is ridiculous that a man is still upset about such thirty years later. However keep in mind he isn't simply upset about an Easter bunny. He is dealing with the aftermath of an entire childhood filled with such injustices. The cost of repeated situations like this in PK's lives can be tremendous, so much so that many walk away from the church and ultimately the Lord. Last month Pastor George's wife Irene closed the time of sharing about our children by saying something to this effect: "Due to these kind of things in their lives [that Becca

described], many PK's do not end up serving the Lord. But our pastor's kids ARE serving the Lord. And for this we are very thankful."
Indeed. I am very thankful. And intentional. Pastor's wives, remember that few understand or comprehend the life your children live. You are their advocate here on earth. Yes, they have Jesus but you are "Jesus with skin on." Of the Proverbs 31 woman, the message Bible says, "She keeps an eye on everyone in her household..."

(Verse 17) Take up your role as nurturer and protector of those God has entrusted to
you. Keep an eye on them and protect them as much as you can from the unfair treatment,expectations and jealousy of others.

Chapter III The Research Method


The methods and procedures used in this study is presented in this chapter, the research design, and the subjects.

Research Design: in this study, I used the descriptive method, which consist of informations gathered, analysed and summarized along certain lines of thoughts for this study.

Subjects: The subject of this study are the Pastors kids.

Chapter IV Presentation, Analysis and Interpretation of Data


Table 1 shows the Number of Pastors Kids covered by the research. (Offsprings of KTKK Pastors)

4%

28%

43%

25%

Elementary Students

High School Students

College Students

Married

Most often than not, these Pastors Kids spend more time in school, and there, they experience a new environment and at times, judgments and extensive care. The school is their second home. Among the percentages above, at least 30%-40% experienced to be bullied, pre-judged by the society. But nevertheless, the remaining percentage experienced overwhelming acceptance and love from the community.

Chapter V Summary, Conclusion and Recommendations


Being a Pastors kid is not an easy one, many people, the elders from the church, and specifically the church members are the one who have a high expectation and always watching with regards for their action, testimony and even for their failure. But in some other ways, Being a Pastor kids is really a blessings and really enjoyed the privileges and provision coming from God. Therefore, being a pastors kid has advantages and disadvantages because the reality speaks that these children are also human, they commit mistakes, and experience failures. But in the eyes of many people and church members they were also a blessings.

References
Internet References

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labeling_theory

http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-such-atarget.html http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-such-atarget.html http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/pastors/pastors/growing-up-as-a-pastors-kid