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4 Dictionary of Slang

5 Jokes
6 Let’s all laugh at... THE BRITISH
8 Dr. Finger’s Pronunciation
10 Grammar Clinic
11 One Eyed Simon’s Tips... FAKING IT
12 Plane Stories
Welcome to the first issue of Objectif English! 14 Weird Resumes
We hope you enjoy the magazine, here are some of the reasons that I like it: 16 Travel Stories- Wherever I may roam
• It teaches you REAL English and is not limited to academic language. Birmingham
• It’s the most fun you can have reading a magazine (without taking off your pants). 18 Punk
20 Adult Only
One of the best things about learning a foreign language is that you can do it through any
22 British Bar Chat
subject you want. You can learn the same vocabulary and grammar from a funny story as you
23 U.S. Bar Chat
can from a boring newspaper article. Motivation is very important in learning and this is why we
24 Failed Crime Stories
make our articles as fun as possible; if you enjoy what you read you will want to continue and
26 Red Carpet Talk:
you will remember more of what you learn.
Celebrity Marriages
Students of English often complain that what they learn at school and university does not prepare
28 Crank Calls
them for the way people use English in real life. As an English teacher myself, I constantly hear
29 One Eyed Proverbs
complaints like, ‘When I went to America I could talk about European politics but I couldn’t tell
30 Business Dialogues
a joke’, ‘The only English I understood was from other French speakers’ and many others that
are similar. Objectif English teaches you English for real life, not just so you can read a newspaper
in English.

You will see words like ‘fuck’ used by Peter Lagueule, Master Criminal, One Eyed Simon and in
Adult Only. You might like to swear, you might not (we do), but either way you need to understand
these things because they are an important and authentic part of language. Of course, swearing
is inappropriate in many situations so it has to be used carefully. There are also some contexts
where it is completely normal; such as when you need to tell your boss or teacher to shut the
fuck up because he is a fat, ugly cunt. 1 Introduction
2 Dictionary of Slang
We want to know what you think of Objectif English. What do you like? What don’t you like? It’s
your magazine, tell us. You can contact us by email:, or you can 3 Dr. Finger’s Pronunciation
send us the feedback form on page 5 and have the chance to win a subscription. We really do 4 Grammar Clinic
want to know what you think! You can subscribe by emailing us at or 5 Plane Stories
by sending the coupon on page 19.
6 Punk
Objectif English #1 is a first issue special, but from now on you can buy it every month. Enjoy! 7 British Bar Chat
8 U.S. Bar Chat
Luc 9 Red Carpet Talk: This means you can
listen to an article
anagram n shut the fuck up exp RUDE Celebrity Marriages on the audio CD.
a word where the order of letters has been be quiet, stop talking 10-13 Crank Calls
changed to make a new word or words cunt n RUDE!
swear vb a person you hate, part of a woman’s anatomy (probably 14-15 Business Dialogues
use profanity, say taboo words the most taboo word in English) 16 Goodbye

Pubished by ILCEA Linguistic Ltd. We would like to thank everyone at Hot English
Publishing S.L. for their collaboration and helpful
Contact information: advice on our first issue of Objectif English. The articles on pages 4, 8, 10, 12, 18, 22, 23,
Objectif English 26, 28 and 30, and the audio tracks from 2-15,
ILCEA Linguistic Ltd. are the original work of Hot English Publishing
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Director Executive but before (and after), you might want a few
Jean-Charles Bully
Copyright © 2005 ILCEA Linguistic Ltd. All rights tips to speak better, improve faster, or keep your
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Printing please write in, we will be happy to explain ‘sense of
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ISSN 1748-281X JC
Dépôt légal 3ème trimestre 2005 page 3

Her e we’ve got some examples of how to sa y things in diffe r ent si tuations.

Situation formal relaxed informal

You need to start working I need to dedicate more I need to get going on I need to pull my finger out;
a lot more and making time to my work things I need to get my act
more of an effort: together; I need to get on
the case; I need to get my
ass in gear

You are with a colleague Those people are my Those people are my They’re my mates; they’re
when you see some other acquaintances friends my buddies (US)
friends on the other side of
the street:

It’s late at night and you are I have such an urge to I’m feeling a bit hungry I’ve got the munchies;
feeling very hungry: consume food I’m feeling a bit peckish;
I’m starving; I could eat a

You ask what time What time does it com- What time does it start? What time does it kick off?
something starts: mence? what time does it get go-

A friend is always angry, He is of a negative He’s always in a bad mood He’s a grumpy old sod;
and is never happy: disposition he’s a miserable old git

You want to tell a friend It is not of a complex It isn’t hard to understand It isn’t rocket science; it’s
that something is easy nature a piece of piss; it’s child’s
and not at all play; a 4-year-old could
complicated: understand it; even a
monkey could do it; it’s
dead easy

You are flirting with an Please, retire! You are in- Go away! You’re getting in Get lost! You’re cramping
attractive person. Suddenly, terfering with my attempts the way! my style; beat it (US);
a friend appears and tries at seduction scram (US)
to join the conversation.
You are angry and tell your
friend to go away:

Please note that some of the words in this glossary box are literal translations of parts of
idiomatic expressions.

an ass n RUDE US a sod; a git n RUDE

the part of your body that you sit on an insult (not too offensive) - usually for a man

“he’s a
a gear n cramped adj
cars have five or six gears. These help the car if a room or building is “cramped”, there are too
travel at different speeds, or backwards many people and there is too little space
an urge n

a desire
a munchie n
this comes from the verb “to munch”. Basically,
if you “munch” food, you eat it slowly and

old git”
steadily and by making a noise

page 4
Jokes are great, they make you laugh and everyone likes to laugh. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell
a good joke in a foreign language - you forget words or the tense you want to use...
Each month we show you how to tell good jokes in English. I’m laughing already...

The smart tramp

A tramp walks into a bar and orders a drink. “I don’t think you
can pay for that, can you?” says the barman. “OK” says the
tramp. “If I promise to show you something amazing, will you
give me a drink?” Reluctantly, the barman agrees, and the
tramp pulls a baby chick out of his pocket and puts it on the bar.
The little creature runs over to the piano and plays Imagine by
John Lennon. “That was amazing,” admits the barman as he
pulls the tramp’s pint. Once he has gulped it down, the tramp
asks for another. “I’ll need another miracle in return,” says the
barman. So this time the tramp pulls out a piglet and puts it on
the bar. The piglet clears his throat and sings Bohemian Rhapsody.
At this point, a man sitting in the corner of the bar comes up and
gives him £100 for the piglet. When he’s gone, the barman says
to the tramp, “You’re crazy to sell that pig so cheaply. You could
have got much more.” “It’s OK,” replies the tramp, “The chicken’s
a ventriloquist.”

Bad day
grab vb mess about phr vb fire vb
take suddenly play about sack, dismiss from job
A big lorry driver with a reputation for making trouble walks into gulp vb sob vb find out phr vb
a bar. Everyone pretends not to see him and hopes he will leave swallow cry discover
swig n sleep-in phr vb turn up phr vb
them alone. A little man is sitting at the bar just staring at his a swallow of liquid sleep longer than intended arrive
drink when the big lorry driver walks up to him, grabs his drink
smart adj reluctantly adv piglet n
and gulps it down in one swig. intelligent, clever, well unwillingly, if you do a baby pig
The poor little man starts crying. The lorry driver is surprised dressed something reluctantly you ventriloquist n
and says, “Come on man, I was only messing about, I’ll tramp n don’t want to do it someone who can speak
somebody who has no home to pull a pint exp
buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man or job and often lives on the to pour a drink into a 568ml
without moving his lips or
crying.” streets glass

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy,

sobbing. “I can’t do anything right. I slept-in
and was late for an important meeting, so
my boss fired me. “When I went to the car
park, I found my car was stolen and I have
no insurance. I grabbed a taxi home but,
after it left, I found out my wallet was
still in the taxi. “I got in the house
and discovered my wife had left
me for my brother… And then
you turn up and drink the
United Kingdom (Royaume Uni).
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___________________Wherever I may roam

____________________Let’s all laugh at...

____________________Dictionary of Slang
____________________British Bar Chat
____________________I would have got

____________________One Eyed Simon’s

____________________U.S. Bar Chat
____________________Business Dialogues

____________________One Eyed Proverbs

____________________Plane Stories

____________________Grammar Clinic
____________________Crank Calls

____________________Celebrity Marriages

____________________Adult Only

____________________Weird Resumes

____________________Dr. Finger’s



away with it, too

Pronunciation page 5
This is the section where Peter Lagueule talks about certain groups
of people and why they make him laugh. This month he has chosen
a particularly easy target… the British.

Hello everyone, I would like to invite you to join me in laughing at

idiots from around the world. There is so much to choose from,
there are mad people everywhere. I decided to start with British
people, ha ha, I’m laughing already! What a shame we only have
two pages to laugh at them.

Who are they?

The British are the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland (the U.K. for short). This is made up of
England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales.

People from other countries often mistakenly talk about ‘the

English’ when they mean the British. This makes people from
Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales very angry, unless they are
saying bad things about the English. If this happens they will join
in and explain the differences between themselves and the
English. The funny thing about this is that, like me, the foreigner
doesn’t give a flying fuck about their shitty little island.
One of these three pictures is true, the other two are very silly. Can you tell which is which?

If you go to the U.K. you will see that the British drive on the left-
hand side of the road. Brits will tell you that this is because they
have always done this and that over a quarter of the world’s
countries drive on the left. The real reason is that they hope this
will make foreigners not want to drive on U.K. roads and bother
British drivers (who like to drive nice and slowly). There are lots of
roundabouts, too. This is just in case foreigners do decide to
drive in the U.K., they will surely crash their cars and die if they

Unfortunately, some funny stereotypes of the British are

no longer correct.

Afternoon Tea
The British still drink lots of tea, but only the upper class have kept
up the peculiar tradition of stopping everything at five o’clock to
drink it. Taking refuge from the rain, they love to sip from a cup of
boiled leaves and throw another child on the fire to keep warm.

Children should be seen and not heard (proverb)

Children are treated better today than ever before, parents treat
them almost as well as their pets.

This is now most commonly used by Americans for breast
implants, although British parents still sometimes feed their
children jelly, usually at birthday parties. I suppose they do this so
children learn that the world is a cruel place at an early age.

Warm beer
Barmaids used to tell their customers to “Drink up before it gets
cold” when they bought a pint of beer. Now Brits drink cold
European lager, as fast as they can.

page 6
Write to Peter Lagueule and tell him
who you would like to laugh at:

The British invented some sports that are very Of course not all of the British are like this; it
popular today, such as: football; rugby; cricket would be unfair to say so. There are British that
foreigner n
and golf (which is good for people who can’t be eat a typically bland meal, put the children in person from a different country
bothered to play a real sport). England, their cages and go to bed with the dog hours I don’t give a flying fuck exp RUDE
Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales often have before any of this trouble happens. I really don’t care
shitty adj RUDE
separate national sports teams, the British will dirty, horrible
only play together if they realise they are really British people read lots of newspapers but this Brit n, Briton n
bad at a sport. has not helped them to understand people from British person
roundabout n
other countries better. The reason for this is that island at a road junction that cars go
They only joined what is now the European Union they only contain news about the private lives of round in one direction
to piss off the French. Now they’re stuck and the British royal family. This is a strange bunch peculiar adj
odd, strange, unusual
they don’t like that at all, they are terribly of people who are even uglier than most Brits. to sip vb
suspicious of other Europeans. People in Britain In the U.K. some people are pro-monarchy and to drink (slowly or a little at a time)
are particularly frightened of the euro. They are others are anti-monarchy. Pro-monarchy means commonly adv
often, usually, frequently
very worried that they would forget who they you think the royal family were dropped on their breast implant n
are if there was no pound sterling. heads when they were young, so that excuses material inserted into breasts to make
their odd behaviour. Anti-monarchy means you them bigger
can’t be bothered exp
British women are very worried that their think the royal family should be dropped on their If you can’t be bothered to do something
femininity will go unnoticed. To combat this heads, every day. you don’t have the energy to do it
they wear short skirts and tops that leave little separate adj
individual, different
to the imagination, they usually wear pink just British tourists are easy to distinguish abroad. to piss off phr vb RUDE
so you don’t forget they are female. They will look a) sunburnt (even if they are to really annoy
black) b) embarrassed c) drunk… or sometimes suspicious adj
not trusting, sceptical
British people go to the pub to drink as quickly all three of these things. If they meet somebody go unnoticed vb
as possible. Conversation is sometimes what who doesn’t speak their language they will not seen, ignored
happens while they are busy trying to get drunk. continue to speak to them in English, just combat vb
Everyone drinks at the pace of the fastest LOUDER and more S-L-O-W-L-Y. drunk adj
drinker. Even if they have a full drink in front of intoxicated by alcohol
them everyone rushes to buy another drink at Modern day Britons eat lots of food from other pace n
10:55pm when the barmaid calls ‘last orders’. countries. They are beginning to realise that the rush vb
At 11pm the bar staff call ‘time’ and start to idea of eating British food is as attractive as go/move quickly
wrestle drinks away from the customers. It having sex with Margaret Thatcher. last orders n
warning that the customers can only buy
is only now, after leaving the pub that the British drinks for another five minutes
remember that they need to eat. When sober, God Save the Queen! I hope her head is OK. time n
queuing is their favourite thing (all alone, a Brit bar staff call ‘time’ when the bar is closed.
wrestle drinks away from
will form an orderly queue of one) but it becomes take drinks away by force
a big problem for the British when they are drunk. sober adj
They all attempt to buy something to eat from a not drunk or intoxicated
to queue vb
kebab or other fast food restaurant and amuse to wait in a line for something
themselves in the queue by fighting. Only the gutter n
most motivated succeed. Those who successfully drain at the side of a street for carrying
away rainwater
obtain food eat it as quickly as they can and required adj
reward themselves by vomiting it back up into needed, necessary
the gutter. This gives them the energy required bland adj
dull, tasteless
to fight people in the queue for a taxi. As you bunch n
can see, the British really know how to party… group, gang
right up until 11:30, when everything closes. behaviour n
conduct, actions
to distinguish vb
to recognize, to know, to see
abroad adv
in a different country
sunburnt adj
having inflamed skin from exposure to sun
Margaret Thatcher
mean old British ex-prime minister who
you probably don’t want to have sex with
retarded adj
backward in mental development
caveman n
prehistoric human who lived in caves
arsehole n RUDE
insult to a person you don’t like, idiot,
conservative adj
cautious, understated, unexaggerated

Being British means it is acceptable to get drunk and behave like a
retarded caveman.

There is only one legal haircut for British men at any one time.

According to recent statistics, 33% of British people are complete

arseholes. However, some say this is a conservative estimate. page 7
Dr Fingers’
CD track 3 - BBC English accent

Pronunciation Course
This month we are looking at the pronunciation of regular past Now let's try another activity. Look at the box below, at the bottom
tense verbs (verbs that end in "ed", such as "walked"). Most verbs of the page. We've put some verbs in the appropriate boxes according
are, of course, regular. We will be looking at sounds, and you have to their pronunciation. Here are some more verbs in the past. Listen
to remember that in English a letter or combination of letters can to the pronunciation, repeat the pronunciation then see if you can
have many, many different sounds. Anyway, there are basically three put the verbs into the correct boxes according to their pronunciation.
different pronunciations for the endings of these verbs: the sound Remember to listen carefully to the sound at the end:
"t", as in "worked"; the sound "d", as in "played"; and the sound
"id", as in "wanted". Notice how the “e” is often not pronounced.
Exercise I
Let's try an activity. Look at the list of verbs below. Listen to each Watched Accepted Flashed Ordered
verb and write "t", "d" or "id" next to them according to their Rained Added Grabbed Pushed
pronunciation. The first one has been done for you: Landed Admired Damaged Rushed
Laughed Begged Drowned Remembered
Walked ("T") Wanted Blinded Extended Removed
Phoned Jumped Blamed Blushed Existed Saved
Arrested Worked Cried Increased Shared
Stopped Carried Rapped Collected Killed Sinned
Explained Arrived Charged Licked Sniffed
Knocked Looked Bossed Cleared Mattered Sounded
Wanted Snowed Corrected Promised Stopped
Started Rushed Excited Packed Talked
Part II Realized Explained Offended Tested
Is there a rule? Of course there is! Basically, the pronunciation Thanked
depends on the final sound of the verb in the infinitive. Here is the
rule, and please remember we are looking at the sounds of the Well, that's all for now. Bye for now and happy talking!
1. The pronunciation of the "ed" ending in the past is "t" if
the final sound of the infinitive is:
a) "ch" as in "watched
b) "f" (usually written "gh") as in "laughed"
Information Box
c) "k" as in "worked" Pronunciation Note - Linguists Only!
d) "p" as in "dropped" In English there are two types of consonant sounds: voiced and
e) "s" as in "passed" unvoiced. All the sounds in the first box (pronunciation "T") are
f) and "sh" as in "washed" "unvoiced consonants"; and all the sounds in the second box are "voiced
consonants". Let's look at the difference:
2. The pronunciation of the "ed" ending in the past is "d" if Unvoiced Consonants (box 1 - "T")
The unvoiced sounds (in the first box) produce a blast of air. You
the final sound of the infinitive is:
should be able to feel this on your hand.
a) "m" as in "informed" Let me show you what I mean. Put your hand in front of your mouth
b) "n" as in "rained" and say the following sounds: "ch", "f", "k", "p", "s" and "sh".
c) "v" as in "lived" Voiced Consonants (box 2 - "D")
d) "w" as in "snowed" Voiced consonants produce a vibration in your throat when you say
e) "z" as in "dozed" them. This is a completely natural sound, and your voice will
f) and "i" as in "carried" automatically produce it if you relax and don't stress the endings. You
can try this for yourself. Put your finger on your throat and say the
sounds "m", "n", "v", "w", "z" and "i". You should be able to feel the
3. The pronunciation of the "ed" ending in the past is "id" vibration in your throat.
if the final sound of the infinitive is::
a) "d" as in "faded" * Notice how the letter "y" at the end of many regular verbs often
b) and "t" as in "wanted" changes to an "i". For example: carry - carried; worry - worried.

1. Pronunciation: T 2. Pronunciation: D 3. Pronunciation: ID

Walked, stopped, knocked, jumped, Phoned, explained, carried, arrived, Arrested, wanted,
looked, helped, missed,

page 8 page 9
Dr Fingers’ Grammar Clinic

class: CD track 4 -
BBC accent

Whether & If

Dear Dr Fingers, “I don’t know whether to go to the cinema or

I was wondering about the difference between the words whether to go to the theatre.”
“whether” and “if”. Please could you help me as my students It isn’t always necessary to mention the second
asked about this and I didn’t know what to say? Thank you “whether”. So, we could say the previous
very much. sentence like this:
Michael (by e-mail) “I don’t know whether to go to the cinema or
(whether) to go to the theatre.”
Dear Michael, You can also use “or not” instead of mentioning
Thank you very much for your question. Of course, I would be the other option:
delighted to try and help explain the difference between “whether” “I don’t know whether to go to the cinema or
and “if”. It is a little bit complicated as in many cases they are very not.”
similar and interchangeable, but in other cases only one option is We always use “whether” if there is a preposition:
possible. Let’s see. “We were talking about whether we should pay more money for
“Whether” & “If” - Similarities “We were thinking about whether we should go early or late.”
Both “whether” and “if” can be used in reported speech with verbs And we often use “whether” when it is followed by an infinitive with
such as “ask”. For example: “to”:
“I asked her if I could take her car.” “I asked her whether I could “I was wondering whether to tell you or Steve.”
take her car.” “I’ve been wondering whether to speak now or later.”
“She asked me if I spoke French.” “She asked me whether I
spoke French.” “If”
“She asked if I liked it.” “She asked whether I liked it.” It is NOT possible to use “if” when there are two alternative options,
However, there are many other cases when it is only possible to use particularly with expressions like “I’m not sure”, “I don’t know” and
“whether”. Let’s see a few examples. “wonder” plus an infinitive with “to”. For example:
“I’m not sure whether to go to France or Italy.” It is NOT possible
“Whether” to say, “I’m not sure if…
We use “whether” (and an infinitive with “to”) after the verbs “know”, “I don’t know whether to tell Michael or Sam.” It is NOT possible
“ask” and “wonder” when there are two or more alternatives or to say, “I don’t know if…
options. For example: “I’ve been wondering whether to go by train or plane.” It is NOT
possible to say, “I’ve been wondering if…

Right, I hope that has answered your question. Just remember to

use “whether” when there are alternatives, and you should be OK.
Now, I must go and drink some cocoa.
Bye, Dr Fingers

page 10
When you read something in English you can take Say ‘you know what I mean’ or ‘like’ after everything you say.

If you need tips on how to do something in English email One Eyed Simon:
Many English speakers add unnecessary words like these to their
as much time as you need to understand
sentences. It is often considered a bad habit among native
everything. However, when you speak English you speakers. However, it will make you seem really cool if English is
have to think on your feet, sometimes it can not your first language.
be embarrassing or even a bit scary. Follow my
See how well Jeanette Foreigner does things:
advice and impress English speakers by appearing
more fluent. Native speaker Did you enjoy the film?

Jeanette Foreigner Yeah. It was, like, quite good. You know what
If an English speaker asks you a question stroke your chin I mean? Did you like it?
and look like you were thinking about something else for a
few seconds before you answer. This will give you time to Native speaker I thought it was, you know, all right, like.
decide if you understood the question or if you need to hear Do you want to go to the cinema with me
it again. It should help you to avoid embarrassing situations, next week?
like this:
Jeanette Foreigner I’m sorry, Dave has invited me.He
Native speaker So, where do you come from, doesn’t,like, try to stroke my leg during the
then? film. And he’s much better looking than you.
You know what I mean?
Johnny Foreigner Yes, I would love to. Native speaker Oh, right…

Native speaker ?
Tap your wrist when you ask, “What time is it, please?” Do not
(Native speaker explains her question again and they both tap your crotch when you ask, “Where are the toilets, please?”
laugh nervously about the misunderstanding. Johnny
Foreigner is ashamed and commits suicide two hours later.) If you ‘invent’ a new word (by saying a word from your own first
language with an English speaking accent) don’t stop, just ignore
it and continue with what you are saying. Even if it doesn’t exist,
the native speaker will think it is real word and feel embarrassed
that he doesn’t know it.
If you make somebody repeat a question three times and you
still can’t understand just say, “That’s none of your business,
you ugly bastard”, look insulted and walk away. The person will
think you’re mad but they will think that your English is

Frown when you speak to someone in English,

it makes you seem much more credible. This
really works! The person in front of you will think you know
exactly what you are talking about.

fake it exp ashamed adj

make people think you are good at embarrassed by shame
something when you are not native English speaker n
think on your feet exp person whose first language is
think and act quickly English
embarrass vb bastard n RUDE
make someone feel bad or self- an insult to a person you don’t like
conscious frown vb
fluent adj to push your eyebrows together
if you are fluent in a language you (especially to show you don’t like
express yourself easily and something)
naturally credible adj
stroke vb believable, likely, convincing
caress, pass hand gently over crotch n
something part of the body at the top and in
foreigner n between your legs
person from another country page 11
Plane Stories
CD track 5
southern Englishman
and Welshman

Find out what was wrong with a mysterious man travelling from Manchester airport, why one man sued an
American airline, and what happened to a Scotsman who thought he was on his way to Glasgow.

Mr Duck
the passenger who swore at the check-in guy.
Brian remembers a very unusual passenger on a flight from Cape
“I’m sorry you feel like that about my mother, sir; but you’ll have
Town to Johannesburg.
to stand in line.”
I was in the airport when I suddenly noticed this guy dressed as
I felt like cheering. What a hero!
a duck going “quack, quack”. When we got on the plane, I was
amused to see that the “duck” was sitting right next to me. Half-
way through the flight, I plucked up the courage to ask the
man, “So, what’s the story?” Mr Fat
“Well, I was at a fancy-dress party dressed in this duck suit,” John was working as ground staff in Fresno airport when he
the man explained, “and I had a bet with my friends. Well, the had to deal with an angry passenger.
upshot is that I get two hundred euros if I fly to Jo’burg in the This guy came up to me all angry and said, “When I checked in
suit.” with your airline in Chicago, they put a tag on my luggage that
said FAT,” the passenger began. “I know I’m overweight, but do
you really need to classify your passengers in this humiliating
I took a couple of seconds to control myself, then desperately
trying not to laugh, I informed the irate and rather plump pas-
senger that the city code for Fresno is in fact FAT, and that the
airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
Mr Drunk
Jim had a very enjoyable flight.
I was sitting on this plane headed to Bombay when this drunken
guy came onto the plane. “Please, please, please don’t sit next to
me,” I said to myself as I watched him stagger down the aisle.
But, as luck would have it, he sat right next to me. He literally
fell into his seat and fell asleep immediately.
About two hours out of Heathrow, he suddenly woke up and or-
dered a vodka and orange. When his drink arrived, he looked over
to me and asked, “So, what time are we due into Glasgow,
I must say, that was one of the most pleasurable flights I’ve ever
had. And, oh, how I enjoyed telling him that we were actually
going to Bombay.
Mr Deceased
Freddy remembers a very unusual passenger.
Mr Nobody I was working as ground staff in Manchester airport when this
Gordon remembers a very angry passenger. family turned up. They were pushing an elderly man in a wheel-
I was waiting to check in when this guy rushes up to the front chair. They told me that he was their grandfather and that he was
of the line and demands to be checked in first. To the passenger’s feeling unwell and was very tired. “That’s OK, if you require any
surprise, the check-in guy just said, “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have further assistance, please let us know,” I told them.
to stand in line like everybody else.” But when staff at the security search point went to check the
On hearing this, the passenger went bright red and shouted, man, they realised that he was in actual fact dead. It turned out
“DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” that the family were trying to send their grandfather home for
At which, the check-in guy reached for his microphone and an- burial, but since the cost of sending the dead body in a coffin
nounced to everyone, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a gentle- was so great, they’d come up with the idea of sending him as
man at the check-in desk who doesn’t appear to know who he is. a normal passenger as the ticket was cheaper. What a way to go!
If anyone can help, please come forward. Thank you.”
Of course, everyone thought this was absolutely hilarious, except

page 12
to sue vb hands together many times as a sign
to start a legal process against of appreciation)
someone ground staff n
dressed as exp airline staff who work in the airport
if you are “dressed as” a duck, you a tag n
are wearing a costume that makes a little piece of paper or plastic on a
you look like a duck bag with flight information on it
quack, quack exp overweight adj
this is the noise that ducks make fat
to pluck up the courage to do plump adj
something exp a bit fat
to find the confidence to do to turn up phr vb
something difficult to arrive
a fancy-dress party n to turn out phr vb
a party with people dressed in funny if something “turns out” a particular
Mr Injured or historical clothes
a bet n
way, it happens like that in the end
a burial n
Frank Brown is currently in litigation with an American airline. if you have a “bet” with someone, a ceremony in which a dead person
I spent most of my two-hour internal flight in great pain. I was you play a game with someone. The is placed in the ground
winner gets a sum of money a coffin n
headed for the west coast and my elbow was pinned to an arm- the upshot is exp a container for a dead body
rest by an obese passenger who was sitting next to me. the result is that… to come up with an idea exp
What made me really angry was the way that the cabin staff treated a drunken guy n to think of an idea
a man who has drunk a lot of alcohol in litigation exp
me. Minutes after I boarded, this flight attendant told me I had to to stagger vb if you are “in litigation” with someone,
move somewhere else, and I stupidly obeyed. My new seat was to walk from side to side and without you are involved in a legal process
next to this obese man, who was occupying not only his own seat control against that person
an aisle n an elbow n
but half of mine too. This was a huge human being, and he was a corridor in an airplane the joint in the middle of your arm
pressing down on me with his full weight for the duration of the as luck would have it exp to pin something to another
flight. When I got to San Francisco, my elbow was hurting, and I luckily; fortunately thing exp
what time are we due into… to hold something against another
was wet from the man’s sweat. It was a really gross situation. exp thing
As part of the compensation, I asked the airline to provide me with what time are we expected to arrive an obese passenger n
a temporary employee to assist with my computer work while the at… a very large passenger
to check in phr vb to board vb
injury healed. But they refused. And that’s why I’m going to sue to register your bags before going on to go on a plane
them. I think they deserve to be taught a lesson. an airplane huge adj
to rush up phr vb very big
to move somewhere quickly sweat n
a line n liquid that comes out of your body
a line of people waiting to be served when you are hot
to swear at someone exp gross adj
to say a rude or insulting word to disgusting, horrible, revolting
someone to heal vb
to cheer vb to cure
to shout happily; to clap (hit your page 13
In each issue of Objectif English we show you how to write CVs, cover and application letters,
business letters and other important documents in English.
Watch out for the strange characters who are looking for new jobs.

The job advertisement If you…

· are a high energy individual with a vision and
The job that is advertised is for a Sunday school
a passion for working with children and
teacher: somebody who works for a church and
teaches children and teenagers about
· would like to join a team of committed,
dynamic and fun people who love serving
Dots called bullet points are used in this · would enjoy living and working in beautiful
advertisement. It makes the ad easier to read Southern California on the Pacific Coast,
and separates the most important points.
then we ask you to consider applying for the position
Advertisements specify the kind of person they of Children’s Pastor at Hope Church in Southern
want, but at the same time try to make the job California. The details of the position and how to
seem as attractive as possible. apply are shown below...

The resume/CV Iona Dildo

The applicant is an ex-pornstar called Iona Dildo.
Address: It depends who I go home with.
Los Angeles, California
Make your name stand out from the rest of the
text: you want employers to remember who that Telephone: 531 80 08 69 69 Date of Birth: 25. 12. 1976
excellent CV belongs to.
Marital Status: divorced (6 times) Nationality: Swedish
Give your potential employer as many ways to
contact you as possible; if you have a mobile Employment History:
phone number or email address you should put 2002-2005 Film actress, Horny Teens Adult Film Production
it on your CV. Company.
• Performing in high quality artistic films.
Another way to make your CV more recognisable • Working closely with inexperienced teenage performers.
and human is to add a passport-style photo of • Giving advice on venereal health problems.
yourself. This is not essential, but more and more 2000-2002 Marketing advisor, Absinth Alcopops Ltd.
employers are asking for this. • Leading an aggressive marketing campaign.
• Successfully targeting young and vulnerable people.
List your employment with dates, job title and • Making it ‘cool’ to be drunk.
main duties or responsibilities, starting with the 1998-2000 Masseuse, Mr Slippy’s Executive Sauna.
most recent. Try to make your experience seem • Helping businessmen to relieve stress with massage and
relevant to the job you are applying for. relaxation techniques.

Other Information is a good place to mention Qualifications:

skills that make you suitable for the job. B.A. Honours in Marketing, University of Stockholm (1998).
Employers normally ask for two references. You Swedish High School Leaving Certificate (1995).
should try to include names, addresses and 25 metres Swimming Badge (1984).
contact numbers for referees, although some
people prefer to give this information later. Other Information:
My birthday is the 25th December, that’s the same day as Jesus!
I love kids. I babysat my friend’s five-year-old son once, we went to see
The Exorcist.

Available upon request (I’ll get my friends to write some bullshit).
page 14
Wherever I may WELCOME TO BIRMINGHAM, UK…the second largest city
in England, and the most ambitious one!

Birmingham has come a long way, going from an industrial city to a

bright new corporate and exciting environment. The major makeover
that started 15 years ago is finally paying off, shedding its skin to
uncover a cool, fun and exciting place where you want to be. London
watch out!

The Venice of the UK

The first time visitor will be surprised to discover that Birmingham is slashed with
miles of canals going through a large part of the city, earning it the nickname of
Venice of the UK.
The canal banks have become restaurants and hip clubs, and real estate paradise
for new owners who are now living in state of the art complexes and penthouses,
Can this really be Birmingham, birthplace of the industrial revolution? overlooking the coolest neighbourhoods.

Capital of gentlemen’s clubs Exhibits and major events

Another interesting side of Birmingham is the number Like other major cities, Birmingham welcomes
of gentlemen’s clubs that the first time visitor will loads of international events. The NEC is the
find. What is a gentlemen’s club? A strip club of perfect concert venue and one of the most
course! prestigious in the country, as is the ICC, where
Did you know that some of the largest strip clubs in music lovers will always find their favourite
the world are… in Birmingham? Well now you know. bands. Of course, some events will only attract
This exquisite tourist attraction will give a sense genuine Brits, dog shows and other crap like
to a boring business trip or a lame student this, but in general, the first time visitor will
exchange, I am sure. always find something great to do or see.

Student life Melting pot

A city without students is not a city. Well, Birmingham Like many other world class cities, Birmingham
does not have that problem since the students there is coloured with many different people, from all
are very well represented. The city hosts some of around the globe. This diversity brings a nice
the biggest universities in the UK, with an atmosphere where everyone seems to be able
international reputation. The students find in to live peacefully. One of the best things that
Shopping at the futuristic Bullring Centre
Birmingham everything they need, and whenever comes from such a mix is the food!!! The city is
they want. They like to go out on Broad Street, where known as the curry capital of the UK. If you like
clubs and bars welcome them and their wild Indian or Chinese food, you will love
behaviour… if you are looking for a fun night out, Birmingham…
you should definitely take a walk along the canals…

Pretty, isn’t it? And look, it doesn’t rain all the time either Statue takes a bath

page 16
shed one’s skin exp
to change one’s image (normally for the better)
bank n
piece of land immediately next to a river, canal,
hip adj
loads n
a large amount
dog show n
event where people take their dogs and decide
which is the best one
crap n RUDE
cool, fashionable faeces/something bad
state of the art exp melting pot n
Birmingham is the city of the famous JRR TOLKIEN, writer of the best and most modern a mix of people from lots of different races
Lord of the Rings Trilogy. penthouse n and cultures
A luxury apartment in a high rise building the globe n
complex n the world
Birmingham is where Aston Martin and Jaguar cars are built. a group of buildings get laid exp inform
strip club n to have sexual intercourse with someone
a club where people dance and take their invest vb
The British government has invested more than 80 billion pounds clothes off for money to put money into something in hope that it
in the regeneration of Birmingham over the past 15 years. exquisite adj will become more valuable in the future
extremely beautiful regeneration n
lame adj inform making something new again and improving
weak, feeble, pathetic it
wild adj roam vb
uncontrolled, unrestrained wander, walk aimlessly or with no destination
behaviour n
In short, Birmingham is definitely a city where you should stop, or way of acting/conducting oneself

take a trip to. You will be surprised, excited, you might get laid if
you are lucky, and you won’t spend as much money as you would
in London for the same amount of FUN!! Next month, we will roam in another great city:

CD - track 6 - Scotsman

Punk was a musical and social movement that

the PUNK
started in the 1970s. You may have heard of some
punk groups such as The Sex Pistols, The Clash
and The Damned. Who were the punks? What
did they want? And what did they do?

Punk started in England during the 70s when punk music became
popular. There were many groups at this time playing loud, fast,
angry music, but the most famous was the Sex Pistols, who were
managed by Malcolm MacLaren. Other famous punk bands include
the Clash, the Damned and Siouxie and the Banshees.

At first, the basic idea was to look as different as possible. Some
punks were very original. As one of them remembers:
“We used to wear dresses with plates covered in ketchup,” says
Lora Logic, the saxophonist with the punk group, X-Ray Spex.
But eventually, punks developed their own special look with spiky,
dyed hair, ripped jeans with lots of safety pins, dog collars,
piercings, tattoos and Mohican hairstyles.

Punk music was hard, fast and furious. The lyrics were all about
anger and destruction. The best way for punks to appreciate this
music was to go to a concert. The atmosphere there was violent
and the musicians often smashed their guitars during the concerts,
set things on fire and kicked in their speakers.
Punk concerts gave punks a chance to express themselves through
“During our gigs the audience would throw bottles at us and attack
us,” said Hugh Cornwell, the lead singer from the punk group, The
Stranglers. “Nobody who booked us wanted us to play again.”
During punk concerts, punk fans used to spit on the group and
each other, and throw glasses and chairs up on to the stage. They
also started a new, violent dance called the “pogo”. This consisted
of jumping up and down continuously to the rhythm of the music.
Fights often broke out as a result of the violent atmosphere.
But it was exciting too. As Steve Diggle, the guitarist for the punk
group, The Buzzcocks, said: magazines produced very cheaply - often photocopied. These zines
“It was liberating to see the excitement on people’s faces.” were sold to friends.
And there were also moments of humour. “Once we conned
someone into booking us for the Young Conservatives,” says Jean- The Punk Legacy
Jacques Burnel, the bassist for the group The Stranglers. You may not think you are a punk, or know much about the music,
As the DJ, John Peel once said, “The great thing about punk was but without punk, there would be no Sting, U2, Elvis Costello,
that none of the bands took themselves too seriously.” Depeche Mode, Simple Minds, Blondie, Nirvana and thousands and
thousands of other groups and singers who were inspired by the
Personality punk movement.
Deep down all punks were attention seekers. And many of them
defined themselves by their hatred of just about everything, including Punks Speak
the political system, the government, their parents, school, teachers, Let’s see what some real punks can tell us about what it was like to
the police and even themselves. Punks had few aspirations apart be a punk in the 1970s:
from hating things and spitting. “In 1975 London looked like a rubbish tip, the clothes were
disgusting and everybody was listening to Abba… The Sex Pistols
Customs & Habits seemed to challenge everything you thought.” Jon Savage, a British
Punks spent most of the time going writer.
to punk rock concerts, or hanging “Punk was all about having a good time.” Marion Elliot, singer and
out in groups with other punks where song-writer.
they smoked, drank, swore at the “We felt like we were changing the world.” Lora Logic, saxophonist
public and had spitting competitions. for the group, X-Ray Spex.
Their favourite places to hang out “After leaving school we didn’t have career opportunities… Punk
included fashionable streets and was the only white soul music.” Jimmy Pursey, singer with the group
shopping malls. In Boston it was Sham 69.
Harvard Square, and in London it was “Our aim was to force our own working-class opinions onto the
the King’s Road. Intellectual punks world.” Johnny Rotten, lead singer of the Sex Pistols.
also enjoyed writing zines, which are

page 18
Punk Jokes
And lastly, here are some punk jokes - some of them are a bit cruel,
but, hey!, punks are tough guys and gals so they shouldn’t mind Subscribe to Objectif English
too much, we hope:
for one year and you’ll get 12
Question: If there is a punk in the back of a car, who is in the
Answer: A police officer.
magazines and 12 CDs for
Question: Three drunk punks jump off a building. One had
ONLY 53.90 euros! (or 42.90 GBP)
been drinking beer, another wine and another
vodka. Which one hits the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?

Question: How do you get a punk out of the bathtub?

Answer: Turn on the water.

Question: How do you get a one-armed punk out of a tree?

Answer: Throw him a beer.

Question: What has eight arms and can't play the bass
Answer: Squid Vicious.

Question: An apartment building in California has punks living

on the first floor and lawyers on the second floor.
One day a big fire burns the building to the
ground. Who survives?
Answer: The lawyers. They were at work.


spiky adj Britain is a right-wing

“spiky” hair is hair that has traditional political party. The
sharp points “Young Conservatives” is an
dyed hair n
“dyed” hair has been coloured
association of conservative
ripped jeans n to hang out phr vb
“ripped” jeans have holes in to spend time in a place with
them friends just talking and not
a safety pin n
a metal object that is used for
doing much
to swear vb (past: swore) ENGLISH T-SHIRT!
holding clothes together to say taboo words
a dog collar n a rubbish tip n Name:.............................................................
a leather object that goes a dirty place with a lot of
around your neck - dogs and rubbish (old paper, etc) in it Address:..........................................................
to challenge vb
priests (people who work in
a church) usually wear them to question; to attack .......................................................................
to smash vb
to completely destroy
tough adj
physically and mentally strong
City:.................................Post Code.................
to set things on fire exp a guy n inform Country.......................E-mail............................
to burn something a man
to kick in phr vb a gal n inform Telephone........................................................
to destroy something by
kicking it
a woman
who cares? exp
a gig n who is concerned?
Cheque (payable to ILCEA Linguistic Ltd.)
a rock concert a bathtub n
to book vb an object in the bathroom.
if you “book” a band to play a You fill it with water, sit or lie
concert, you contract them to in it and wash yourself VISA Mastercard
do that the bass guitar n
to spit vb a type of guitar with four, thick
to expel liquid from your strings ___ ___ ___ ___ / ___ ___ ___ ___ / ___ ___ ___ ___ / ___ ___ ___ ___
mouth a squid n
to break out phr vb an animal that lives in the sea. Expiration date (month/year): ___ ___ / ___ ___
if a fight “breaks out”, it It has 8 little legs.
suddenly starts squid Vicious n Objectif English T-shirt
to con vb this is a version of the name,
Design: Special Offer Black
to trick someone; to do so- “Sid Vicious”. He was the bass
mething dishonest to guitarist for the punk band, Special Offer White What are you looking at?
someone in order to get the Sex Pistols
money to burn a building to the Size: S M L XL
Young Conservatives n ground exp
the Conservative party in to completely destroy a Send to: Objectif English, ILCEA Linguistic Ltd.,
building with fire
43 Temple Row, Birmingham, B2 5LS, United
Kingdom (Royaume Uni).
Telephone: 00 44 121 237 6004
Fax: 00 44 121 237 6100 E-mail:
This issue: MASTURBATING. As masturbating is to sex what grammar
lessons are to speaking English*, we decided to combine them.

Adult Only Thesaurus female masturbating

to flick the bean

to masturbate to play the one string banjo
to feed the pony
to have a wank to click one’s mouse
to wank
to jerk off (US)
to jack off (US)
to whack off (US)
to toss off

to spank the monkey

to flog the dolphin
to choke the chicken
to jerk the gherkin
to slap one’s granny
to bash the bishop
to rub the magic lamp
to polish one’s helmet
to crack one off
to have a Barclay’s Bank

The past continuous

How the fuck do you make it? I
he/ she/ it was(n’t)
Past simple of to be + present participle
you masturbating
What the fuck does that mean? we were(n’t)
infinitive: to masturbate
present participle: masturbating

What the fuck is it used for?

An event in the past which went on for a period.


George Michael was masturbating in a public toilet when he

was arrested by police.

The longer of two finished actions is often in the past

continuous, the shorter one is in the past simple.

Example (from an Alaskan hospital)

Doctor: I’m afraid it’s broken. What were you doing when
you had your accident?
Patient: I was masturbating… outside, at night time, when I
just heard a snap.

page 20
We often use the past continuous in English when describing in stories.
Let’s have a look at this in action:

A woman who was pregnant with triplets was walking down the street, when a robber ran out (*not at all the same,
of the bank. In the following gunfight with police, he shot the woman three times in the stomach. but better than nothing)
spank vb
slap, hit with open hand (usually
At the hospital the woman was told that her babies were not hurt, and she gave birth a month
on the bottom)
later to two girls and a boy. flog vb
beat/hit with something
All went well for 16 years, until one day the mother found one daughter crying. “What’s wrong, choke vb
dear?” she asked, concerned. “Well, I was having a piss and a bullet came out!” “Oh …” said the strangle, suffocate
woman, relieved, and proceeded to tell her daughter of that fateful day 16 years ago. jerk vb
pull quickly
whack vb
A month passed and the second daughter came to her mum crying, with the same problem. “I was
having a slash and a bullet came out!” “Not to worry”, said the mum. “I’ll explain it to you …” slap vb
hit with open hand
Another month passed and the boy came in very worried and close to tears. The kindly mother bash vb
took the boy in her arms and asked him, “Were you doing a wee and a bullet came out, my love? hit
Because if you did, it’s okay.” “No,” replied the son. “I was having a wank and I shot the dog!” bishop n
senior member of church
polish vb
make smooth or shiny by
helmet n
hat worn for protection
Barclay’s Bank pn
famous British bank.
Rhyming slang – rhymes with
flick vb
move something with a quick
banjo n
musical instrument like a round
pony n
small horse
pregnant adj
having baby growing inside
triplet n
one of three children born at the
same time to the same mother
give birth phr vb
have a baby
concerned adj
fateful adj
important, decisive
to be close to tears exp
to be nearly crying
to have a piss, to have a
slash, to do a wee inform
to urinate


Take the last sentence from the joke (I was having a wank and I
shot the dog). See if you can put ten other masturbating
expressions in the past continuous. We have done three for you.
If you can do ten reward yourself by having a wank.

I was masturbating and I shot the dog!

I was having a wank and I shot the dog!
I was wanking and I shot the dog!
10 page 21
BRITISH BAR CHAT - Monsters & Myths
Conversational crap from native speakers

This month Simon and Paul are talking about monsters and myths.
CD - track 7
Listen to their conversation and answer these two questions. Re-
member, you don’t have to understand every word in order to an-
swer the questions. Just listen for the key words (the most important
words in the conversation):
Simon: Have you heard what those loony yanks are up to now?
Paul: No. What’s that? What are they doing?
1. What two monsters or myths do they speak about?
Simon: They’ve actually hired a bloody submarine, and they’re
2. What is the big hairy creature in the garden?
going to go to Loch Ness to look for the monster.
Paul: Well, it’s not so stupid. Someone’s got to find it one day,
haven’t they?
G LOS S A RY Frederick: Oh, no. Come on. There’s not a monster living in a lake in
Scotland. Don’t be ridiculous!
loony adj cos abbr inform
Maurice: Oh come on, how do you know? I mean, some… hundreds
crazy, mad, insane because
a yank n inform you know exp of people have said they’ve seen it. There’ve even been
an American people often say this to check photos.
up to exp that the other person is Frederick: No, I mean, hundreds of people say they’ve seen it, but
if someone is “up to” something, understanding they all, all turned out they were drunk or they’re
they are doing something nah exp making up a story for the, for the papers or something
to hire vb this is a way of saying “no”
like that, and all those photos, they’re all fakes, aren’t
to pay money to use something like exp
for a limited period of time people often use this word when
they? They’ve been doctored or something.
bloody adj RUDE they are thinking about what to Maurice: No. They’re not all fakes. One, one of them was proved to
this word is used to show you say next. It is used to fill space be a fake cos someone admitted it. But, you know,
are angry or frustrated in a conversation and it doesn’t generally, you know, there are two or three, you know,
I mean exp mean any-thing genuine photos.
this is often used to change the an otter n Frederick: Nah, no, no, no. It turns out to be always something else,
direction of your conversation, an animal that lives next to
rivers. Otters build dams across
isn’t it? You know it’s always like a big otter or something
or to introduce something
important that you are about to the river like that, or a tree trunk or it’s just a big wave or some
say a tree trunk n thing.
there’ve contraction the main column of a tree Maurice: No, you’re, you’re just so cynical. It’s like the same with the
there have a wave n big cats in England.
to turn out phr vb an area of high water in the sea. Frederick: What, what big cats? There are no big cats in England.
if something “turns out” a parti- “Waves” often break on the
Maurice: People were claiming to have seen large, very, very large
cular way, it happens in that way beach
in the end to mumble vb cats. Dangerous, you know, large beasts in England. And
to make up phr vb to speak in a soft, quiet way that no one had any photos, of course, and then no one be-
to invent is difficult to understand lieved it. But then in the end, it turned out to be true. There
a fake n proof n were [it’s true?] large, wild cats in England, yeah.
a copy evidence Frederick: Nah.
to doctor vb hairy adj Maurice: Yeah, yeah. There, large wild cats that were going round
to alter or change something with a lot of hair on your body
eating other smaller, not so big cats.
Frederick: Yeah but any, anyway, a cat, you know, so you’ve got a big
cat or a little (mumbling) but that’s one thing. But a, but
a bloody great monster, well that’s something else, living in
a loch in Scotland. No, that’s ridiculous!
Maurice: No, it’s completely true. There’s proof. There’s proof writ-
1. They talk about the Loch Ness Monster from Scotland, ten here. There’s photos, people have said they’ve seen it.
and big cats in Britain. Frederick: Oh, my God! What’s that big, hairy creature in the
2. The big hairy creature in the garden is one of the garden?
speaker’s fathers. Maurice: Oh, don’t worry about that. That’s my dad just doing
a bit of gardening.

page 22
US BAR CHAT - Golf Is Boring CD track 8

More conversational crap from native speakers

This month we are going to listen to two young Americans, Greg and
Thurston, talking about golf. Listen to all the conversation and answer
these two questions:

1. What words does one of the speakers use to describe golf?
2. What arguments does the other speaker use to defend golf?

Thurston: Did you see the golf tournament this past weekend?
Greg: Man, I tried, but I kept falling asleep.
Thurston: Why was that?
Greg: Ah, golf’s pretty boring to me.
Thurston: Are you kidding me? Did you see that birdie Tiger
Woods chipped in from the sand trap?
Greg: Sorry, I guess I missed that one.
Thurston: How about that 350-yard drive from Sergio Garcia.
Greg: I guess I missed that one too.
Thurston: So, what did you see?
Greg: Well, I saw a lack of contact, a bunch of guys in
funny outfits trying to get a small ball in a small hole,
and, er, pretty much a reason to fall asleep on the
Thurston: [You’re] so ignorant, golf is one of the major spectator
G LOS S A RY sports in many countries and it brings in a shit load
of money, and it takes patience, skill and it’s a great
man exp inform a bunch of guys exp way to do business.
this is used to refer to someone in a group of men Greg: Er, seems rather frustrating and pointless to me.
an informal way funny outfits n Thurston: Frustrating and pointless?
to kid vb funny clothes Greg: Well, I guess I could maybe see where you’re
to joke er exp
coming from.
a birdie n Golf this is the noise that people make
to hit the golf ball and make it go in while they are thinking what to say
Thurston: Er, well I could see you wanting to get away from the
the hole in one less than the stan- a couch n wife and kids for the weekend.
dard number of times. Example: the a sofa Greg: Er, I guess I see what you’re saying.
hole is a par 4, you get it in 3 shots a shit load of exp RUDE Thurston: So, do you want to hit the links this weekend?
to chip in phr vb Golf a lot of Greg: Sounds great, man, I’ve got the in-laws coming to
to hit the golf ball gently with the pointless adj town this weekend.
club and make the ball go in with no meaning, with no objective,
a sand trap n Golf with no interest
an area on a golf course with a hole I could maybe see where
with sand in it. A “bunker” in British you’re coming from exp
English I think I understand what you are
to guess vb trying to say
to think to hit vb inform ANSWERS
to miss vb to go to
if you “miss”, you are unsuccessful the links n Golf 1. One of the speakers describes golf as boring,
and the ball doesn’t go in the hole a golf course by the sea that is often
a yard n very windy
frustrating and pointless.
a yard is about 90 centimetres the in-laws n 2. The other speaker says that golf is a major spectator
a drive n Golf your wife or husband’s parents: sport, it brings in lots of money, that it takes
the first shot a golfer makes from mother-in-law; father-in-law patience and skill and that it is a great way to do
the tee business. page 23
“I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those
meddling kids” is a quote that is often associated with baddies
from the children’s cartoon Scooby Doo. When a mystery was
solved the unsuccessful villain (usually badly disguised as a ghost)
blamed his failure on Scooby Doo and his friends. In each issue
we tell you true stories about criminals that failed because they
were unlucky, thought-out their plans badly or were just plain
stupid. Look for the comments from our resident Master Criminal
who explains how to commit crime properly.

You’ve made a dog’s dinner of that!

A man from Nanjing City in China spent a day at home drinking

on his own. By the evening he was both drunk and hungry.
He felt depressed when he realised that his meal would be a plate
Comments from the Master Criminal
of fried peanuts.
Through the window he saw his neighbour’s black dog in the
backyard. The dog was enjoying its rich dinner, a piece of pork This man is a terrible thief, I would
shank. have done things differently:
Jealous of the meal it was eating, the man sneaked up on the
dog and tried to snatch the meat. Neighbours heard the a) I always use a cricket bat when I
commotion and came running as the man attacked the dog, who attack dogs. You can use a knife but
fought back to protect its food. The neighbours rushed the man I find it’s too messy.
to hospital with a badly injured right hand that had been bitten
b) Steal food from people, they
by the dog.
usually have nicer food than dogs.
It was reported that the man complained to hospital doctors that
the dog ate better than him and asked if he could have something
to eat!

page 24
A slip of the tongue

A hold-up was carried out in a Los Angeles convenience

store by an armed man wearing a pair of tights as a mask. Window shopping
The robber forced the cashier to give him all the money in
the till and the safe, getting away with $4,000 in cash.
In the United Kingdom, like many countries, most activities

this address:

To send us your funny crime stories email the Master Criminal at
Shop staff and customers gave descriptions to the police
but did not see the robber’s face properly because of his surrounding prostitution are illegal. An Act of Parliament
disguise. However, a woman who was standing outside saw was made in 1959 to forbid prostitutes from soliciting
the man’s face as he was putting the tights on his head. potential customers “In a street or other public place”. This
She gave a detailed description to the police. They soon presented a big problem for advertising in the industry.
arrested a man who fitted the description and was already However, six women from one particular red light district
wanted for other crimes. The witness was asked to come
had an excellent idea. They knew that when a law is written
to the police station to identify the suspect. The police
arranged a line-up and asked each man to repeat the it must be done very carefully so that it can be followed
words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”. When the literally. The prostitutes started soliciting from inside a private
robber heard this he shouted, “That’s not what I said!” building by calling to men from a balcony or through a
Everyone stared at the man in disbelief, he later pleaded window and sitting at a window tapping on the glass. When
guilty to the robbery. one of the prostitutes was prosecuted for breaking the
law it did not seem possible that she could be found guilty.
It looked certain that the defendant would win her case
because she was in a private building and not a “Street or
other public place”. Unfortunately for her, the judge did not
agree and decided she was guilty. He said that the Act was
intended to enable people to walk along the streets without
being bothered or solicited by prostitutes. This case, Smith
vs. Hughes 1960, became very famous and important
because it meant that judges didn’t have to follow laws
word for word anymore. This is called the mischief rule
and can be used if the words in an Act do not stop the
mischief it was intended to prevent.

Personally, I never go to prostitutes because I don’t like to

pay for anything, but this is probably not the first nor
I’m almost lost for words. A life of crime is not for morons! the last time that a prostitute has been fucked by a judge.
Anyway, here is my advice: Here is my advice to:
a) Avoid letting witnesses see your face. Alternatively, you a) Prostitutes – For advertising… I don’t know, why not put
could wear a mask all the time, even when you go to bed. an advert in Objectif English? If I were you I would change
That way nobody will know what you really look like. Then, jobs; prostitution sounds rubbish and not very safe to me.
you can take your mask off when you commit crime and the b) Punters – If prostitutes don’t tap on their windows
police will never find anybody who fits your description. anymore why don’t you walk down the street tapping on
b) Don’t worry about line-ups. You can kill the witnesses every window and waving your money? There might be
who identified you before your trial begins. prostitutes inside…

baddy n mischief n
bad person, criminal harm, injury, bad thing
villain n to prevent vb
bad person, criminal to stop
to think out phr vb rubbish/rubbishy adj
consider carefully, plan not very good, bad
just plain adv punter n
simply customer
dog’s dinner n this is probably not the first nor the last
mess, error time exp
shank n this probably happens quite often
leg a slip of the tongue n
to sneak up on someone phr vb when you say something accidentally
to approach someone secretly hold-up n
to snatch vb (usually armed) robbery
take quickly or unexpectedly convenience store n
bitten past ptp a shop that sells everyday goods and is near to
to bite where people live or work
window shopping n tights n
looking at displays in shop windows without a piece of clothing that is worn on the legs,
buying anything usually under a skirt
illegal adj till n
against the law a drawer where money is kept in a shop
Act of Parliament n safe n
a law decided by members of parliament a (metal) box where money is kept and can be
to solicit vb locked
to ask for, to look for witness n
to prosecute vb a person who is present when something
to accuse, to bring to court happens
to break the law exp suspect n
to do something against the law a person that the police think has committed a
guilty adj crime
at fault, responsible line-up n
defendant n a selection of people who look similar assembled
accused person by police so that a witness can identify a criminal
case n to plead guilty n
crime being investigated to say you have committed a crime (in a court
word for word adj of law)
using the exact words lost for words exp
trial n if you are lost for words you don’t know what
a procedure to decide if a person has committed to say
a crime moron n
an idiot, very stupid or thoughtless person page 25
Hollywood marriages are usually short, but full of scandal. What can you expect to find at a Hollywood celebrity
wedding? And why do the marriages last such a short time? By Michelle Smith

CD track 9 - American woman

Generating Interest
Most Hollywood marriages start with a news story. Typical examples almost $2 million, the wedding photos alone cost $60,000 and the
include photos of couples kissing on a Colorado ski slope, dancing dress nearly $100,000. Douglas hired 40 security guards to protect
in a New York City disco or being romantic in a Hollywood restaurant. the guests. The seven-course meal included lobster, Welsh lamb and
At first, the couple denies they’re together so people will be more foie gras. Singers Tom Jones and Gladys Knight were both flown in
interested and spend ten bucks to watch their bad movies. Finally, on private airplanes to sing. Zeta Jones’ entire family, who live in
the couple will admit to the relationship and take the walk down Wales, also arrived in private planes.
the aisle. Then, the fun begins. Three hundred and fifty people came to the wedding, including Steven
Spielberg and Meg Ryan
Show Me the Money!
In Hollywood, preparing a marriage ceremony is expensive. When Coke & Swimming Pools
Jennifer Aniston married heart-throb Brad Pitt, the entire nation These days no one in Hollywood gets married without a contract.
knew. The $1 million wedding ceremony was covered in every These legal documents describe the “rules” of the marriage and what
magazine and newspaper from Vogue to the New York Times. The penalties there are for breaking the rules. For instance, if Michael
couple paid $100,000 for Douglas cheats on Catherine Zeta-Jones, she receives $3.4 million.
security, $75,000 for flowers, When actress Melanie Griffith married Miami Vice actor Don Johnson,
and $20,000 for the they signed an agreement which stated that Melanie could not put
fireworks. At the wedding on any weight. However, there was nothing in the contract about
there were two hundred snorting coke, heavy drinking or shagging in swimming pools,
guests, 50,000 flowers, 4 which is what happened. Some say these acts were responsible for
bands, a gospel choir and a 12- ending the marriage.
year-old who impersonated
Frank Sinatra. Confused Women & George Clooney
These days it’s hard to find a celebrity who’s only been married once.
Private Airplanes Actress Drew Barrymore is getting married for the third time. Her
One of the most first marriage lasted 19 days. Her second marriage only five months.
expensive weddings By the time magazines published photos of her first marriage, it
was Catherine Zeta- was already over.
Jones’ marriage to One magazine reports that Drew Barrymore is going to marry
Michael Douglas. her next husband, the drummer from the Strokes, in
The entire George Clooney’s Italian villa. Many confused women
event cost wonder why she doesn’t just marry George Clooney.
Cary Grant, famous in the ‘50s and ‘60s for roles in
Hollywood classics like North by Northwest , was
married five times. All of his marriages were short.
Hollywood insiders say one of the reasons Grant
had so much trouble staying married with
women is because he didn’t like them.
Apparently, his longest relationship was
with a man named Randolph Scott. They
lived together for ten years.
Actress Elizabeth Taylor is the queen of
Hollywood marriages. She’s been married
eight times, including two marriages to
actor Richard Burton. Hollywood insiders
say her ninth marriage will probably be
to a roast chicken.

Divorce Hollywood Style

Celebrities are ugliest when they divorce.
When Steven Spielberg fell in love with his
second wife, he had to pay $110 million to
his first wife, Amy, in order to get rid of her.
“When Steven left me,” Amy explained, “I had

page 26
no reason to go on with my life. But the Malibu mansion, private Chimpanzees
Boeing jet and lifelong supply of Russian caviar helped convince me The strangest event in Hollywood history, and perhaps the
that life was worth living.” history of mankind, was Michael Jackson’s marriage to Lisa
One of the most famous recent divorces was between Tom Cruise Marie Presley. The King of Pop became the husband of
and Nicole Kidman. Tom divorced Nicole right before their ten-year Elvis’ daughter and the world was never the same. They
anniversary. According to a prenuptial agreement, Tom would have got married in 1994 in the Dominican Republic. Elizabeth Taylor was
had to give Nicole much more of his fortune if they had passed the there, as well as a number of chimpanzees, llamas and other wild beasts.
ten-year mark. Most people believed the marriage was just a publicity stunt. However,
When Mick Jagger got divorced, he had to pay American model the couple later appeared on television to declare that they were in love
Jerry Hall $12 million. Jerry went on to continue her modeling and were trying to have a child. Then, they kissed (with tongues!) at an
career; and Mick went on to screw anything that moved. MTV awards show. Yuk!
Zsa Zsa Gabor, one of the only film stars who married more times “Just think,” Jackson once said, “nobody thought this would last.”
than Elizabeth Taylor, once described herself as a “marvelous It didn’t. 20 months later they separated. Jackson went on to have a
housekeeper”: child with another woman, make terrible records and dangle children
“Every time I leave a man,” she said, “I keep his house.” from hotel windows; and Lisa Marie went on to have an affair with actor
Nicolas Cage, who she described as “actually human”.
Hollywood is also famous for producing weird couples. Pamela Causes & Effects
Anderson, the gorgeous, blonde sex symbol is a prime example. So why do these marriages last such a short time? Marc Malking, the
She married Tommy Lee, the drummer of a heavy metal band and contributing editor to New York magazine explains: .
famous heroin addict. At the time many people were confused. First, “Many celebrity marriages don’t last because there’s so much media
there were Pam’s allegations that Tommy beat her up. He spent attention given to them. Everyone wants to know every single detail about
six months in jail. Then, Pam told the world that Tommy had given that marriage, so these stars are under the spotlight the whole time
her hepatitis: and the pressure just gets to be too much.”
“Sometimes I ask myself, what was I doing with a drug-addicted, So, if you’re famous, think hard before considering marriage.
low-class, abusive, stupid piece of trash like Tommy? But I’m
different now. That’s why I’m marrying Kid Rock.”

to last vb a drummer n
if something “lasts” a short a person who plays the per-
time, it is finished in a short cussion in a band
period of time an insider n
a ski slope n someone with confidential
an area on a mountain where information
you can ski ugly adj (ugliest)
to deny vb not attractive
to say that something isn’t to get rid of someone exp
true to do something to make
a buck n US inform someone leave you
a dollar life was worth living exp
to walk down the aisle life had a purpose
exp to screw vb inform
to get married. The “aisle” is to have sex
the corridor in a church or a housekeeper n
plane a servant who lives in a
a heart-throb n house and is responsible for
an attractive man or woman the cleaning, etc
that many people love weird adj
to cover vb strange, unusual
to write an article about gorgeous adj
fireworks n very attractive
objects that explode in the to beat up phr vb
air with lots of colour and to hit many times
noise trash n US
to fly in phr vb something of no value.
if someone “flies you in” to “Rubbish” in British English
a place, they pay for a plane a wild beast n
to take you to that place an animal that is not
to cheat on phr vb domesticated
if you “cheat on” you partner, a publicity stunt n
you have sex with someone an act that is designed to
else create publicity for you
to snort coke exp yuk excl

to consume cocaine through an expression that people

your nose use when they think
heavy drinking n something is horrible
drinking a lot of alcohol to dangle vb
to shag vb inform to hold
to have sex with under the spotlight exp
if you are “under the spot-
light”, you are the centre of
attention page 27
CD tracks 10 to 13 - Mr Bean
and American accents

Telephone conversations to help improve your listening skills.
Here are some crank calls - those funny telephone calls that are designed to wind people up.
Have fun listening to these two. (US English spelling)

Crank Call I
Crank Call II
The Video Game
The Astronaut
For this call we called For this call we phoned up the National Aeronautics and Space
up a video store to Administration (NASA) in America with an unusual request. Listen
complain about a to the conversation and answer this question:
game we had bought What does the caller want?
there. Listen to the
conversation and Victim: National Aeronautics and Space Administration,
answer these how can I help you?
questions: Hot: Oh, hello. Is that NASA?
1. What is the Victim: That’s right. How can I help you?
problem with the Hot: Oh, good. Is the centre open for visitors?
game? Victim: Yes. It’s open 9-5 daily.
2. Why do we keep Hot: Mmm… interesting. Do I have to bring any equipment
“dying”? with me?
Victim: This is a museum, sir.
Hot: Yeah, but what about the space missions?
Victim: Hello, Video Games R Us. How can I help you? Victim: The centre has information on all missions currently
Hot: Hi, I recently bought a video game from you, but it undertaken.
doesn’t work. Hot: But don’t I have to do some kind of training?
Victim: What seems to be the problem with the game? Victim: Sir, this is an information centre, there are no missions.
Hot: It just doesn’t work. Can I get a new one? Hot: I heard you were looking for astronauts…
Victim: I can’t authorize giving you a new game until I know Victim: Sir, this is a museum for visitors.
what’s wrong with the one you bought. Hot: But I wanted to go on one of those missions.
Hot: Oh, well, my character keeps dying. Victim: You’ll have to apply through the correct channels.
Victim: I see. Hot: So, I can’t be an astronaut. I’ve always wanted to be
Hot: Yeah, I’m trying to play the game, but then these ninjas one.
keep killing me. Victim: Check out the website for more information. Have a
Victim: Uh, huh. nice day, sir.
Hot: Yeah, they’re on fire, and they come from all over
the place. It’s really annoying.
Victim: Right.
Hot: So, when can I pick up my new game? to wind someone up phr vb a device n
Victim: There’s nothing wrong with the game that you have. to irritate someone and make them a general word used to refer to an
Hot: What do you mean? I keep dying. angry electronic apparatus
to keep dying exp to plug into phr vb
Victim: Well, sir, perhaps we can interest you in a different type to die many times during the game to connect a device to a game
of game. ninjas n system
Hot: I tried everything. They run at me and start whacking soldiers who fight by using martial equipment n
arts clothes and other things necessary
me with their swords, and I scream at them to stop, on fire exp for doing a particular activity
and they just keep hitting me until I die. burning currently undertaken exp
Victim: Mmm all over the place exp if a mission is “currently
everywhere undertaken”, it is in progress
Hot: So, after I scream and scream, I just die. This must annoying adj training n
have happened about 20 times now. irritating physical and mental preparation for
Victim: Sir, try hitting some of the buttons on the controller. to pick up phr vb an activity
to collect to apply through the correct
Hot: What’s that? to whack vb channels exp
Victim: It’s the device that you plug into the game system. to hit to complete the correct selection
You know, the thing with all the buttons on it. a sword n process in the formal way
a long, thin piece of metal with a to check out phr vb
Hot: Oh, that broke when I threw it at the ninjas. It didn’t sharp point at the end. Used for to see
seem to stop them though. fighting

page 28
Email One Eyed Simon at this address:

In the past literacy levels were a lot lower than they are today. Reading
and writing were professional skills that only a privileged minority possessed.
Proverbs were used as a way to pass on knowledge because they are short,
simplified and easy to remember.
Nowadays everyone apart from American presidents can read and write, but
people still use proverbs to make themselves sound wise. If you learn some
proverbs you will sound fluent and wise at the same time.

It is no use crying over spilt milk.

It is useless to regret something that has already happened
and cannot be changed.

Oh no! I’ve missed the bus! I’m going to be late for
work now…
Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk,
I’ll just have to catch the next one.

One Eyed Simon says:This first appeared in

written form in the middle of the 17th century
when milk had just been invented. It was very
precious, so people were naturally upset
when they spilt some.

In the country of the blind

the one eyed man is king. Don’t throw the baby out
with the bathwater.
If you are not very good at something, but you are better than the
people around you, you have a great advantage. Be careful not to throw away something good when you are throwing
away something bad.
My Dutch is rusty but none of my friends could speak any at all.
They all had to depend on me, I suppose in the country of the blind example
the one eyed man is king. A- I think I’m going to buy a new stereo.
B- Oh yeah? What’s wrong with the one you’ve already
One Eyed Simon says: I went to the country of the blind but they A- Speakers don’t work. I’m going to chuck it out.
wouldn’t let me be king. They said I had to be a one eyed ‘man’, and B- Just get some new speakers, then! Don’t throw the
I’m only a one eyed fish. That’s discrimination, the blind bastards… baby out with the bathwater, that’s just a waste.
(Sorry to all our blind readers- the editor.)
One Eyed Simon says: This proverb was first found written in German
in the 17th century. It was not until the 19th century that it appeared
in English. This was around the same time that the British imported
the idea of washing their babies.

proverb n blind adj

a short saying in general use not able to see
possess vb Dutch n
have language spoken by people in
simplified adj the Netherlands
condensed, made easier discrimination n
(to understand) treating people unfavourably because
wise adj of their race, religion, sex, being a fish,
clever, experienced and knowing lots of etc.
things bastard n offens
stereo n insult to a nasty person or someone you
equipment used to listen to music don’t like
speaker n spilt pret/past ptp spill vb
equipment that changes electronic let liquid fall or run out of its container
signals into sounds page 29
Business Dialogues
CD tracks 14 & 15
A phone conversation
In this section we’ll be listening to a phone conversation. Gordon is
phoning up because he is sick and can’t come into work. He talks to
his boss, Mr Mathews. Listen to the conversation and answer these
two questions.

1. Why is Mr Mathews angry that Gordon is sick?

2. Why does Mr Mathews want Gordon to come in quickly?

(Phone rings)
Gordon : Oh, hi, Mr Mathews?
Mr Mathews: Yes, speaking. Who’s this?
Gordon: It’s Gordon.
Mr Mathews: Oh, hello Gordon. What’s up?
Gordon: Sorry but I’m feeling terrible this morning and I
don’t think I’ll be able to make it in.
Mr Mathews: Damn! I mean, oh, erm, are you alright?

Gordon: No, it’s nothing serious, but I do feel really bad
and I need a day in bed.
Mr Mathews: Damn!
Gordon : Excuse me? Now listen to some extracts
Mr Mathews: Nothing, just talking to myself. Look, this really from the conversation again.
messes up our plans a bit. Are you sure you’re You will notice there are some
ill? I mean, it’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s missing words and a beeping
just that I was really hoping to get that report sound. See if you can write the
finished today. missing word. The answers are
Gordon : Yes, I am really ill. on the CD.
Mr Mathews: Damn!
Gordon: I beg your pardon? 1. This really messes _______
Mr Mathews: Nothing. Look, I’ll phone you back in about five our plans.
minutes, OK? 2. I’ll phone you back _____
Gordon : Alright, but I would really like to go to bed, so about five minutes, OK?
please phone as soon as possible. 3. Please phone as soon ____
(34 minutes later) possible.
Gordon : Yes? Hello? 4. It’s _____ my computer
Mr Mathews: Gordon? Is that you, Gordon? desktop.
Gordon : Oh, yes. Hello, Mr Mathews. 5. I think I left them _______
Mr Mathews: Right, we need to know where the rough draft the Inbox of my Outlook
of that report is. folder.
Gordon : I think it’s on my computer desktop. It’s in a Word 6. I knew you wouldn’t let us
file called “budget4” ______.
Mr Mathews: OK, and can you remember where the notes for
the appendix were?
Gordon: Erm, I think they’re in my desk - in the bottom
drawer in a file called “Appendix”, but I’m not
really sure.
Mr Mathews: Damn! I mean, can’t you remember, man. It’s G LO S S A R Y
really important.
Gordon: Erm, try the desk drawer, I’m fairly certain they’re
there. Was there anything else because I am I don’t think I’ll be able
feeling really bad. to make it in exp
Mr Mathews: Just a few more things. Now, those e-mails from I don’t think I’ll be able to
come to work
Head Office with the revised figures, where might damn! exp RUDE
they be? this is an expression of anger
Gordon : Erm, I think I left them in the Inbox of my Outlook to mess up phr vb
folder. They should be in an e-mail there. to destroy, to ruin
Mr Mathews: Are you sure? I mean exp
this expression is often used
Gordon : Yes, I think so. Oh God, this is all far too
to introduce something
complicated. I think it would be easier to just important that you want to
come in. say
Mr Mathews: That’s my boy. I knew you wouldn’t let me a rough draft n
down. So, we’ll be seeing you in about half-an- an early version of a
hour then, won’t we? document that is not finished
or perfect
Gordon : Yes, Mr Mathews. I’ll see you then.
a drawer n
Mr Mathews: Good, it’s just that I’m going away for the week a box in a table that you pull
end, and you know how the traffic is - I’ll be out. You can put papers and
leaving some time before lunch. things in the “drawer”
Gordon : Yes, Mr Mathews. I’ll be in as soon as I can, so a desk n
you can get off for the weekend. a table in an office
that’s my boy exp
good boy
1. Mr Mathews is angry that Gordon to let someone down exp
is sick because he needs to do something that makes
someone to finish the report. someone feel angry or sad;
2. Mr Mathews wants Gordon to to disappoint someone
come in quickly because he’s
going away for the weekend and
the traffic is bad.

page 30