No Excuse for Abuse

April 22, 2013 Volume VII

First and foremost, know that no one deserves to be abused. No matter what your abuser may tell you, it is NOT your fault. -Jane Doe

911 what is your emergency?, says the oblivious operator. The victim frantically answers by complaining they were beaten by their partner. Not knowing their current condition, the operator begins to ask questions about where they are and what happened. Reassuring their safety, the operator tells the victim that everything will be okay and help is on the way. Okay, problem solved. Help is on the way, the abuser will go to jail, the victim could possibly go to court, and everything will be back to normal right? In a perfect world that would happen, but we live in a world where these types of cases get pushed aside and it could be months or years until the victim has received help for their situation. Why is this? Why does society and the government not take these

cases as seriously as they should? If we look at the victims point of view we can ask why were they beaten? Is this the first and last time or will there be more? So many unanswered questions, but one fact Last year I had the pleasure to can be concluded is that these cases of relationship meet a strong young lady, who I violence is a result of a lack of education. Society is will call Jane, that was a victim of not educated enough about relationship or domestic relationship victim of relationship violence. Women and men have not been taught to violence. The victim unfortunately look for the signs. Sure a slap here or an insult there had a two year season of hell and could be something, but little do they know that that it all began with those casual slap or that insult can just be the beginning of a long insults. Being so head over hills season of hell. for her boyfriend, she ignored Last year I had the pleasure to meet a strong them and carried on with their young lady, who I will call Jane, that was a victim of relationship. Later on these insults relationship victim of relationship violence. The turned into slaps, then punches, victim unfortunately had a two year season of hell which led to broken collar bones and it all began with those casual insults. Being so and permanent scars. For two head over hills for her boyfriend, she ignored them years, Jane went through hell and carried on with their relationship. Later on these because she was so scared to insults turned into slaps, then punches, which led to leave. Her boyfriend was crazy, broken collar bones and permanent scars. For two rude, and a bitch for hitting a years, Jane went through hell because she was so woman. For two years, she did not scared to leave. Her boyfriend was crazy, rude, and a know what to do with herself. And bitch for hitting a woman. For two years, she did not for two years, no one else knew know what to do with herself. And for two years, no what to do either. Its easy to say, one else knew what to do either. Its easy to say, just just tell someone or just dont tell someone or just dont talk to him. However, talk to him. However, in reality, in reality, those choices arent as easy as they appear. those choices arent as easy as The fear of not knowing they appear. The fear of not

knowing what someone so dangerous will do to you, your family, or friends if you try to escape their control is mind controlling. Threats and promises were made and she just could not leave. When I take a step back and look at the situation, I cannot help but wonder if things would have been different if education about relationship violence was embedded in her head. Clearly the answer is yes. Recalling from many years ago, she states, back then, I had no idea that the concept of relationship/teen dating problems. The next phase is known as the tension building phase. This is where the tension begins because of violence even existed (Doe). some incident. However it does not have to be an incident, sometimes the abuser simply wants complete power However, our victim cannot take or control so they do what they need to obtain it. Finally we have the big explosion. This is the final phase all the blame for this. Society is at where everything collapses. The abuser has lost control and choses to express their anger through one or more fault as well. Whenever we are in of the three types of abuse; verbally, physically, or emotionally. Sometimes the explosion could lead to death or trouble, we tend to rely on peers broken bones. Climactically, the victims life becomes endangered. After the explosion, the abuser notices what and family to supply useful advice they have done and either apologizes or does some sort of deed to get back to the honeymoon phase then so we can solve our problem. We everything starts over. If this is our cycle, what exactly should a woman or man be looking for? You should as a society cannot give victims, begin to look for signs of control. like Jane, advice if we ourselves do not know exactly what to do. It is not easy to just give advice off the back about something as serious as this because you never

know how the abuser will retaliate. For these reasons of ignorance about the situation, The abuser is trying to take control education must be the top priority of you by possibly checking your in helping our society become whereabouts frequently, telling safer and helping our victims you what to wear, demanding you escape years of prolong abuse. do this, or anything else that you Lets begin with the cycle of probably do not want to do. abuse and some signs we should Secondly, you should watch out be aware of. According to for the verbal insults or physical Kenyetta Richmond, a womans contact. These two types of abuses advocate for Family Services Inc. ultimately affect someone in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, emotionally because you begin to the cycle consists of three phases question your worth to someone that will continue until something you thought would give you the stops it. To begin with, we have world and treat you with respect. the honeymoon phase. Like being You could also begin to feel like on a honeymoon, the couple is you are to blame for all the chaos happy and everything is going because you did not do what the great. No tension and no abuser told you to. Our Jane Doe problems. The next phase is expressed to me that she thought known as the tension building all these signs were typical and a phase. This is where the tension product of his personality and begins because of some incident. family experiences. It is so easy However it does not have to be an to ignore these signs because of incident, sometimes the abuser the assumptions we make about simply wants complete power or our abuser. control so they do what they need According to Between to obtain it. Finally we have the Friends, a nonprofit agency that

seeks to end dating violence in the phase where everything collapses. community, they found that one of The abuser has lost control and the most common myths people choses to express their anger make like about violence I would to relationship welcome you to the through one or more of the three is that teen of girls just as where abusive as United States America types of abuse; verbally, boys. Sadlyviolence this is not weteen view domestic as the a physically, or emotionally. case. are more likely to initiate hate crime and unacceptable in Sometimes the explosion could violence than a teen girl because society. If you travel across the lead to death or broken bones. naturally, boys arewould more find world to Egypt, you Climactically, the victims life aggressive. beingto said, their welcome This statement be that becomes endangered . After the does not mean that boys cannot be quite different. Dina Mansour explosion, the abuser notices what abused by their female or male wrote a report about how domestic they have done and either partners as well. Very rarely do we violence is acceptable and apologizes or does some sort of hear about a woman causing harm normal. Believe it or not, Egypt deed to get back to the honeymoon to athe male or country a male causing harm is not only that phase then everything starts over. to another male in a violence relationship. believes that domestic is If this is our cycle, what exactly Why instead is this the Who said a right of case? a violation should a woman or man be that girls are the only ones that can (Mansour). Mansour came across looking for? beyear abused? Based by on the societys a 28 old woman name perception, males are depicted as of Aisha, that has been verbally the strong and dominant figures in and physically abused by her relationships. How embarrassing husband for ten years. Under would that be for a male to report Sharia law a husband is entitled that his partner hit if him or verbally to discipline his wife she assaulted him? We have a disobeys (Mansour). With sculpted this society men lady are afraid to being said,where the young refuses reportthis how they feel the it fear to leave lifestyle orfor report to of being judged society. As long officials. Aisha, by like our Jane Doe, as we continue to hold this so suffers from a lack of education

judgmental cloud over males she does not understand the saying they will of bethe weak or that not a concept of rights laws man, males will continue to let guarantee her personal welfare and One of the assumptions made by pride stand in their way of social equality (Mansour). multiple people is relationship reporting abuse and these International laws have donestatistics little violence rarely happens (Teen will continue andthe the to stop this case to or rise protect Talk). Going with this reports continue It tois remain victim andwill community. assumption, the researchers from silent. It is time that we re sculpt evident that domestic violence is a the experiment can proudly say and instead of putting bigsociety worldwide issue that gets little that, 64.7% of females and 61.4% males down for being abused, to no attention. Abuse can of males reported dating violence praise them and someones help them to get drastically change or victimization between the ages out their situation well let future. It can change as the wayas they of thirteen and nineteen (Schipper them know it how was a wise decision look at genders, they feel in a 1). It is obvious that relationship to report this. Who cares what relationship, or how they act all violence is a constant problem that society would think of you? Any together. The victims is being ignored. It seems as if it victims health and safety is more physiological state plays a big has to reach the explosion phase in important than being judged by factor for their future because the order for it to get some attention. narrow people. longer we minded continue to ignore them The only and sufficient way to end and their situation the worse off this awful and contagious disease our community will become. is to educate our public. There When I questioned Jane Doe about should be advocates like Miss what she could take from the Kenyetta Richmond and victims experience, she stated that ,while like our Jane Doe to come speak I feel as if I was robbed of over to students while in school. Since two years of my life, the each student is required to take a experience was worth every health class in high school, bruise, ugly name, and heartbreak. students should spend multiple Why? Because I am confident that weeks speaking about relationship my experience has changed the

life and/or perspective of at least project to do to show that they one person in this world. I recall Works Cited understand the difference between that when she first her Deborah Schipper, etpresented al. Dating Violence Victimization Across The Teen Years: Abuse a good relationship and an abusive Frequency, Number Of Abusive Partners, And Age At First Occurence. BMC Public Health. 12.1 (2012): story 637-646. to me back in February of Complete. Web. 12 Feb. 2013 Academic Search relationship. Making students Evans, Kristen. Re: Interview. Jane Doe. 7 Feb. 2013. E-mail. 2012, she talked about her current Evans, Kristen. Re: Research Project for Kristen. Kenyetta Richmond. 4 Feb. 2013. Emore involved in the topic as mail. relationship and how the effects of Mansour, Dina. The right to Domestic Violence. Women. Reset Dialogues on oppose to listening or reading Civilizations, 3 May 2010. Web. 15 Feb. 2013. two year abuse Teen Talk. Teencaused Datingsome Violence Facts vs. Myths. Between Friends, n.d. Web. 4 Feb. gives them a chance to better 2013 problems in her current understand the topic and be more relationship. She stated that in the involved. I also propose that beginning of her current government officials officially relationship when her boyfriend make the month of February and her would play fight she Dating Violence Awareness would get flashbacks of when her Month. In my home town, my ex boyfriend pinned her down and service club was able to make this began beating her. Incidents like official. If a group of high this did not last forever thankfully. schoolers can get this to happen, anyone of any age group can as well. Classes about this subject not only can be done in school, but it can be implemented in churches, community service projects, or even articles in the paper. All it takes is the pride and care of someone to take time to get their community to pay attention and it will happen. By enhancing the education about this disease everyone will be more aware of the signs and what to do in the