DEATH and LOSS Abelardo, Kristylle Bella, Elena Life and death are one, even as the river

er and the sea are one -Gibran (1923) Many of us have an intense aversion to facing our pain and suffering.If we accept that suffering is a part of life, we are in a better positionto deal with the problems that we will inevitably experience. (Dalai Lama & Cutler, 1998) Life has inevitable suffering as well as pleasure.By realistically thinking, feeling, and acting to enjoy what you can, and unangrily and unwhiningly accepting painful aspects that cannot be changedyouopen yourself to much joy. -Albert Ellis

systemsemphasize making the most of this life, for it is viewed as the only existence. Other belief systems focus on the natural continuity and progression of this temporallife into an afterlife.

Lessons About Living From Those Who Are Dying Look the ones you love deeply in the eyes and without words let them knowyou love them and that they mean the world to you. Say thank you and be grateful. Recognize your blessings, even in the face ofdespair. Say you are sorry when you have hurt or offended someone. Touch the ones you love and invite them to touch you. Touch heals and touchpenetrates the soul and fills you up with joy. Laugh, smile, and be playful. Let laughter enter every relationship you havewith every person you know. Tell people how much you care about them. If you have a compliment or akind thought about someone, speak it in the moment. Do not judge others without trying to understand them. Even if they havedone you harm or wronged you, find a way to let it go and to forgive. If you live a life of compassion and love and concern for others, you too willreceive these gifts at the end of your days. Be open and share your fears and pain with each other. Sit patiently with other peoples pain. If you share your sorrows, they becomeless heavy and can easily be transformed into love and peacefulness. Take an interest in what other people do. Be genuine and curious in who theyare. Ask about the welfare of others. Share your wisdom and life lessons without giving advice. Tell stories aboutyour own struggles and accomplishments without being arrogant or selfcentered. Pray and put faith in God. Always know that you are not alone and that youare connected to something beyond yourself. Trust this, ask for strength whenyou need to, and remember to give thanks as well.

There are many aspects of death, including leaving behind those we love, losing ourselves, encountering the unknown, and coping with the humiliation and indignity of a painful or long dying. Death and the Meaning of Life Existentialists view the acceptance of death as vital to the discovery of meaning and purpose in life. A rearrangement of lifes priorities, paying little attention to trivial matters A sense of liberation; the ability to choose to do those things they really wanted to do An increased sense of living in the moment; no postponement of living until some future time A vivid appreciation of the basic facts of life; for example, noticing changes in the seasons and other aspects of nature A deeper communication with loved ones than before the crisis Fewer interpersonal fears, less concern over security, and more willingness to take risks (p. 35) Choices in the Face of Death Cultural and religious beliefs affect the way people view death. Some belief

SUICIDE: ULTIMATE CHOICE, ULTIMATE SURRENDER OR ULTIMATE TRAGEDY? Suicide: the taking of ones own life. following myths: There are few or no warning signs for suicide. People who talk about committing suicide will not do it. Young people are more likely than old people to kill themselves. Once a suicidal crisis has passed, the person is out of danger. Suicide is genetic. People who attempt suicide are intent on dying. Although it is true that some people do not give any signs that they intend to take their lives, generally warning signs give some indication that a person is suicidal (Marcus, 1996). Here are some signs that an individual may be at risk for suicide: Suicidal thoughts and threats Absence of a sense of purpose in life Previous suicidal threats or comments Preoccupation with death, including talk of feeling hopeless and helpless Giving away prized possessions Discussing specific methods and a time for killing oneself Anxiety, agitation, and depression Increased substance use Isolation and withdrawal from friends and family Extreme changes of behavior and sudden personality changes asudden need to get ones life in order a sudden appearance of calm or peace after a period during which some of these above-listed characteristics were evident These signs should be taken seriously, and interventions should be made to help bring about a change in the person who is suicidal. Taking ones life is a powerful act, and the underlying emotional messages and symbolic meanings can be equally powerful: A cry for help: I cried out, but nobody cared! A form of self-punishment: I dont deserve to live. An act of hostility: See what you made me do. An attempt to control and exert power over people: I will make others suffer for what they did to me.

An attempt to be noticed: Maybe now people will talk about me and feel sorry for the way they treated me. A relief from a terrible state of mind: Life is too stressful, and I see no hope. An escape from a difficult or impossible situation: I am a burden to everybody. It will be a relief to them when I am gone. A relief from hopelessness: I see no way out of the despair I feel. Ending my life will be better than hating to wake up every morning. An end to pain: I suffer extreme physical pain, and there is no end to it. My suicide will end it. An expression of shame or failure: I cannot face everyone after what I have done. Counseling can help survivors deal with their reactions to the suicide of a friendor family member and help them learn how to express feelings that they might otherwise keep to themselves. Additional benefits from participating in counseling include the following: Survivors are encouraged to talk about the things they may be rehearsing over and over in their heads, and it can help them to talk about their thoughts and feelings with one another. People can correct distortions they may hold, prepare for their future, learn to let go of regrets and blame, and give expression to their anger. Because of their deep sadness, without professional help it may be difficult for family members to become aware of, much less express to one another, the anger that they feel. Survivors can be helped to remember aspects of a persons life that were not defined by the way the person died. Because the intense trauma of suicide can be overwhelming, counseling that focuses on remembering conversations can help restore a balance and bring about healing (Hedtke&Winslade, 2004). Rational suicide :a person has decidedafter going through a decision-makingprocess and without coercion from othersto end his or her life because of extremesuffering involved with a terminal illness.

 Assisted suicide: involves providing lethal means to cause a persons death, with the individual performingthe act that ends his or her own life. Hastened death: involves speeding upthe dying process, which can entail withholding or withdrawing life support. THE STAGES OF DEATH AND LOSS
Five stages of dying (Kbler-Ross): 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance

emotional pain of a loss, and at the same time learn to nurture themselvesboth physically and emotionally. 3. Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. Learning to developa new relationship with the deceased is a gradual and unfolding process.Although the bereaved do not have to let go of all ties to the person who hasdied, it is important to say good-bye and to grieve the loss. 4. Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life. The phrase moving onwith life entails finding a meaningful way to live without the person whohas died. Mourners eventually need to develop a new sense of identity basedon a life without the deceased. Relational model: is an alternative way of thinking about death, dying, and the grieving process. It moves away from the idea that we are born alone and die alone as individuals, instead emphasizing that people are born into networks of relationships and remain woven into those networks long after they die. Re-membering:is about continuing to foster the memory of a persons life even after he or shedies by involving the person in our daily lives, in our conversations, in the choiceswe make, and in our resources for living.

TASK-BASED MODEL for coping with dying. Corrs (1992):

Physical

tasks pertain to bodily needs and physical conditions such as coping with pain and nausea, and other physical conditions. The aim is often to minimize physical distress. Psychological tasks are associated with autonomy, security, and richness in living. Personal dignity is especially important for those who are dying. Social tasks have to do with sustaining and enhancing the interpersonal attachments valued by the dying person. For many who are dying, their social interests narrow and their priorities shift. Spiritual tasks pertain to common themes such as meaningfulness, connectedness, transcendence, and fostering hope. People who are coping with dying often are concerned with the meaning of their lives, the meaning of suffering, and the impact of the reality of death on their remaining time. GRIEVING OVER DEATH, SEPARATION, AND OTHER LOSSES Grief work or bereavement: refers to the exploration of feelings generated by a significant loss. Mourning: pertains to the formal practices of an individual or community inresponse to a death (Weiten et al., 2009).

BEING DEAD PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND SOCIALLY We find it valuable to use the metaphor of death in dealing with the notion of being dead in a variety of psychological and social ways. What is dead or dying in us may be something we want to take a look at. Sometimes being alive requires letting go of old and familiar ways of being that we may need to mourn before we can really live. An example might be when you let go of the security of living with your parents in exchange for testing your independence by living alone and supporting yourself. In the process you may have lost something that was valuable to you, even if it was incompatible with your further development and growth.

Worden (2002) proposes thinkingof mourning in terms of four tasks to be accomplished: 1. Accept the reality of the loss. Before mourning can begin, the death of a personneeds to be faced. Accepting this loss needs to be done both intellectually andemotionally. For many there will be a time lag before they are able to experiencethe emotional impact of the reality of a loss. 2. Work through the pain of grief. When the bereaved accept the reality of theirloss, pain usually follows. Those in mourning need to experience and expressthe