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Travis Pulk Sociology Mr. Turcotte 2 December 2008 Children of Alcoholics Growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent can effect a child more than many people could ever imagine. In the United States, around twenty million children are undergoing physical, verbal and emotional abuse from parents who are captivated by alcohol. In these homes, children experience a daily atmosphere of variation, terror, rejection, and violence. While a majority of people think of alcoholism as an illness, too few people identify it as a family illness, which may psychologically, religiously and often physically, affect not only the alcoholic but each member of the family.( http://www.memphisareaal-anon.org/aboutus.htm) Little expressive energy remains to complete the various desires of kids who become victims of the family infirmity. For many years, trained psychologists were hardly conscious of the immense pool of distress of the family of alcoholics. They focused on curing the alcoholic and felt that it fixed the issues of the family as well. Today they comprehend that the whole family unit suffers this sickness and all must be made well. Most of the childhood memories that the young will store will be with there parent at their worst. When mom or dad become out of control, they no longer care about the child which increases the severity of the problem. Any following shameful occurrence, which even loosely resembles that precedent suffering, can simply set off

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the words and scenes of said suffering. What are then remembered are the latest familiarity and the previous. Over occasion an increase of shameful memories are attached together. Each new scene adds to the old and as the years go on, these thoughts are brought up very easily. Shame has basically now been placed in this childs identity forever. One way that these children try and get there loved ones to stop is by hiding or dumping out the alcohol. Doing this hardly ever works and just makes the parent(s) very angry. The next thing that most of these kids try is the guilt method. Saying things like, you will stop if you loved me. These kids do not understand that they cannot have power over a disease. Some children deal with all of this by becoming an ideal child; getting good grades and being responsible could be an example of that. Other children may chose to get into trouble all of the time. This usually distracts families away from the real problem. Then there are even the children who go to school every day with the intention of making people laugh and getting into a little mischief. And there is also that child in the corner of life who never really gets recognized, this child feels a sense of invisibility. Although all of these children act the same way as other children at school they go through a lot more distress. Throughout the whole lives of these people there is always going to be something missing in there lives. These people are now missing a piece of them and can now never become complete on the inside. The reason why they are feeling likes this is because there needs as a child were never met but now that they are adults there is no way to overcome this. As you get older and you are not used to having

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your desires met it creates many mental wounds; co-dependency being one of the most serious. Much has been written about co-dependency. All agree that it is about the loss of selfhood. Co-dependency is a condition wherein one has no inner life. Happiness is on the outside. Good feelings and self-validation lie on the outside. Pia Mellody's definition of co-dependency is "a state of dis-ease whereby the authentic self is unknown or kept hidden, so that a sense of self...of mattering...of esteem and connectedness to others is distorted, creating pain and distorted relationships." (Bradshaw, 1998, p.14). Children of alcoholics, learn to be care takers or rescuers early in life. They've developed a mechanism that helped in coping with fear, pain, insecurity and growing up in an abusive alcoholic family. Usually this is how the child copes with not being able to get their own needs met. But later in life, as an adult, those well learned habits imprison them in frustrating, painful, co-dependent relationships, at home and at work.

"Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is; have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end; lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth; judge themselves without mercy; have difficulty having fun; take themselves very seriously; have difficulty with intimate relationships; overreact to changes over which they have no control; constantly seek approval and affirmation. They are also sometimes super responsible or super irresponsible; they are extremely loyal, and they tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In

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addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess." (Woititz, 1983, p.4) Some of the most common side effects are guilt; the child may see himself or herself as the main cause of the mother's or father's drinking. Anxiety; the child may worry constantly about the situation at home. He or she may fear the alcoholic parent will become sick or injured, and may also fear fights and violence between the parents. Embarrassment; parents may give the child the message that there is a terrible secret at home. The ashamed child does not invite friends home and is afraid to ask anyone for help. Confusion; the alcoholic parent will change suddenly from being loving to angry, regardless of the child's behavior. A regular daily schedule, which is very important for a child, does not exist because bedtimes and mealtimes are constantly changing. Anger; the child feels anger at the alcoholic parent for drinking, and may be angry at the non-alcoholic parent for lack of support and protection. Inability to have close relationships because the child has been disappointed by the drinking parent many times, he or she often does not trust others. Although the child tries to keep the alcoholism a secret, teachers, relatives, other adults, or friends may sense that something is wrong. Child and adolescent psychiatrists advise that the following behaviors may signal a drinking or other problem at home. Failure in school, lack of friends, withdrawal from classmates, delinquent behavior, such as stealing or violence, frequent physical complaints, such as headaches or stomachaches, abuse of drugs or alcohol, aggression towards other children, risk taking behaviors, depression and suicidal thoughts. Some children of alcoholics may act like responsible "parents" within the family and among friends. They may cope with the alcoholism by becoming successful "over achievers" throughout school, and

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at the same time be emotionally isolated from other children and teachers. Their emotional problems may show only when they become adults, but in fact they have been "adult children" their whole lives. "Adult Child" carries a double meaning: the adult who is trapped in the fears and reactions of a child, and the child who was forced to be an adult without going through the natural stages that would result in a healthy adult. When the adult child of a dysfunctional family begins to enter the "real world" schools and the workplace they discover their family system is not the reality shared by their classmates and co-workers. Many adult children become loners or form tight, unhealthy relationships with other children of dysfunctional homes. These relationships actually re-enforce their dysfunctional view of the world by "finding another person who really understands. " The tightness of the bonds created in these relationships is accented by the child's lack of an individual sense of identity. They do not yet know where they stop and someone else begins. As a result they are unable to define their limits and begin to take on other people's opinions, defects and needs. If the adult child is able to form lasting friendships (some never do), it is usually with other adult children who provide familiar characteristics similar to the family's dysfunction. Adult children can be very slow to recognize the patterns of family problems. They spent their lives being trained by the family to not see the problem, even when they are re-created in friendships, marriages and work relationships. Whether or not their parents are receiving treatment for alcoholism, these children and adolescents can benefit from educational programs and mutual-help groups such as programs for children of alcoholics, Al-Anon, and Alateen. Early professional help is also important in preventing more serious problems for the child,

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including alcoholism. Child and adolescent psychiatrists help these children with the child's own problems, and also help the child to understand they are not responsible for the drinking problems of their parents. The treatment program may include group therapy with other youngsters, which reduces the isolation of being a child of an alcoholic. The child and adolescent psychiatrist will often work with the entire family, particularly when the alcoholic parent has stopped drinking, to help them develop healthier ways of relating to one another. One very successful form of recovery for adult children involves acknowledging the existence of an inner child. The child, who was small, lost and without hope never really went away, but froze. Recovering adult children can find that inner child and resume the process of nurturing to allow him/her to complete the job of growing into a healthy adult. Many counselors, therapists and psychologists have been valuable to many adult children in the process of Recovery. Almost all of the books published on the subject of adult children were written by mental health professionals. Growing up in an alcoholic family is certainly traumatic, and it seems there are no positive aspects involved. The fact of the matter is these children will be scared for life and most likely need some kind of counseling in the future depending on the severity of the abuse. Too many kids in America have lived through this awful routine. Alcohol merely should never be mistreated, neither should the children.

http://www.memphisareaal-anon.org/aboutus.htm

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Cutter, Henry S. & T.J. O'Farrel. "Relationship Between Reasons for Drinking & Customary Behavior." Journal of Studies on Alcohol, Volume 45, #4, July 1992, pp. 321-325.